


Built Memories

by fresharold



Series: Promises. [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Coffee Shop, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Jealousy, London, Lost Love, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Niall is Harry's friend, Phone Sex, Plot Twists, Professor Louis, Sexual Content, Smut, a bit of spoilers in here, and hate, and new friends, for lost memories, i dont want to give spoilers in here so, i never know what to put in here, im not saying it's between harry and louis, liam works with them, louis shares a house with zayn, there will be tears, this is a sequel, this won't be as sad as the other one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-21
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-02-18 06:38:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 211,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2338811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fresharold/pseuds/fresharold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It was a comet.<br/>The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning.<br/>And when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him. It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning.<br/>There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again... And his belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in his heart.<br/>The boy saw the comet and suddenly his life had meaning.”</p><p>» where louis and harry after long years start over again. they're strangers again and introduce themselves, they relearn what they already know and what they don't know, come with new inside jokes, create new memories and give each other a second chance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lost Memories sequel

**Author's Note:**

> this is a sequel for this http://archiveofourown.org/works/1784557/chapters/3823315 , you can read this without reading the other one but some things probably won't make much sense

"It’s 12:26 am and I’d like to scream at you and tell you that I miss you but instead I just closed my eyes and whispered “you’re a fool for letting me go.”

This is a sequel for Lost Memories, you can read this without reading the other one but some things probably won't make much sense. I'm going to sort all the ideas out and will try to start publishing this as soon as possible but first want to write some chapters. Maybe in a week i'll have it but school doesn't help much 

(as soon as i publish the first chapter this will be deleted)


	2. Recap

[Lost Memories Recap]

Louis was going to turn eight in four months when he first met Harry, who was reserved and a boy of very few words, as well as quite sad. Louis was excited to make a new friend from his block, especially when he always used to spend his summer holidays alone at home with no one to play, except from his sister, Zoe -who definitely wasn't an option.

 

Through the years Louis learnt that Harry was special and he knew in his heart that it was his mission to protect him from everything. To keep him. Somehow, to save him.

 

Louis became a different, but more real boy around Harry and always respected his silence. Till one day they had their first kiss, in the edge of the lake from their park. Louis said that it was okay, they were best friend so it was going to be special... Harry agreed with him, because it was, and Louis was always right.

 

Harry was happier with Louis and as the blue eyed boy had said, after saving him from drowning in the lake, You are my favourite person in the world so don’t you dare to leave me, I love you so much Harry. And Harry didn't want to leave and he also didn't want Louis to leave him but he was broken. So one night he went to Louis' place, crying and Louis held him, like a broken flower with no way to be fixed. However, Louis wanted to fix the impossible because now he knew why Harry was so sad and quiet, why Harry didn't like to be around other people, why Harry preferred to be alone. Hisparents. His parents were the reason because they were always making their best to make their son unhappy and unwanted.

 

But Harry was wanted, oh so wanted from Louis and even Louis' family who started to see the green eyes boy as part of their family.

 

So Louis was Harry's anchor and without him the younger boy was just a ship lost in the sea. But Louis made new friends, got a girlfriend and Harry was alone. Left sadder and with only his thoughts, which became his friends. He hated himself more and more because there was no one to love him. He thought it was okay to hurt himself because he was being hurt by other people all the time.

 

When Louis found out, he didn't agree and he was filled with guilt and angst. Seeing such a beautiful boy hating himself so much, covered in scars and blood, alone and in the dark, sat at the corner of the bathroom's tile was heartbreaking.

 

They had made a lot of promises in the past but the most important started there. They wouldn't leave each other.

 

When they kissed properly for the first time, Harry was the one giving the first move and he saw it has something more than a way to make Louis feel better after his break-up. But Louis wasn't devastated because his girlfriend cheated on him, he was because he thought those so called friends were for real besides everything and because of that he let them take him away from Harry. After all Louis didn't care much because he had Harry again and now, after that such good kiss with them naked in a bath tub, Louis also had doubts about himself and how he saw Harry.

 

Louis definitely loved Harry much more than he actually thought (it was already so much) and he didn't discover it only with the jealousy of seeing his sister kissing Harry and then with the conversation he had with her. But it just wasn't okay...

 

For Harry's eighteenth birthday Louis decided that it was finally the time to make the promise he made with his best friend when they were still eight and took him to the beach on vacations, as well as teaching him how to swim. Louis made his best to make Harry tick all the things he had written on his journal that he wished to do with Louis. He succeeded on that but failed at keeping from Harry that he read that precious thing of his.

 

Louis took the green eyed boy on a real classy-ass date and while he was afraid of how Harry would be thinking about all of it, the younger boy confessed his real feelings and Louis couldn't believe that he had been keeping it for years while he had been feeling like exploding with that secret.

 

When they came back from Liverpool to their hometown, they didn't expect to see Harry's parents waiting from him... So when they saw the two boys kissing they didn't look amused and that was when Louis though he had lost his Harry.

 

However he didn't lost him that day, neither a week or even a month later. They finished high school and had everything planned for afterwards but Louis didn't know that their first slow dance in the prom they went together would be the last one, the name boyfriend would only be heard between them once and he sure didn't expect that the way they made love that night and all the things Harry had said with tears in his eyes were his way to say goodbye.

 

On the following morning Louis woke up on an empty and cold bed, next day Harry's phone would always go to voicemail, on day three he had sure he wouldn't come back, on day four his mother spoke to him for the first time and he heard something more than him puking what he tried to eat, on day five Harry's house was on sale and he had smoke more packs of cigarettes in those days than he had in those months he had loosen himself and on day six he read the letter Harry had left for him and cried for the first time. There was no explanation and starting that day Louis has no sleep at night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » quiet a big recap but i suck at it anyway. first chapter in two hours woah


	3. Drowning

“Louis, we are already late!”

“I told you to set up the alarm last night, you dickhead!” Louis shouts jumping in one leg through the small hall, while tries to put on his sock on the other foot, in the air.

“Yes because your majesty can’t set his own so I need to wake you up every morning. I told you that this year would be different, Louis.”

“You said the same shit last week.” Louis rolls his eyes stopping in front of the door from the flat, putting on his vans and groaning every time his bag falls from his shoulder.

“This time I’m serious.”

“Yeah… you said that too.” Louis smirks, teasing and kisses Zayn’s cheek. The dark haired bloke sighs in annoyance because he knows everything he says in the morning is the effect of his lack of sleep so, or he forgets the episode or will eventually threat Louis and… forget about it as well. “You are never ready in time.” Zayn says opening the door for the blue eyed boy, who walks by in a weird way, shaking his hips and probably trying to show how important he is.

“Actually, there was a time when I was a really punctual person… I just gave up on that.” Louis keeps with the teasing grin while they walk to the elevator, after Zayn locked the door and put the key on his own bag.

“I would pay to know you before college, you seemed such a nice person.” Zayn puts his arm around Louis’ shoulder, pulling him closer while the doors shuts, after Louis clicking the bottom to the first floor. Zayn’s voice still has a glimpse of amusement but it softens a bit.

Louis laughs and punches him on the chest friendly but doesn’t make any effort to pull his arms away.

The elevator stops for the old lady from the floor underneath them and then half way to an unknown man. They only know the old lady –but not her name though –, who once saved their lives because they were out of sugar; and Zayn needs his sugar at the end of the day and in the morning or he throws all his frustration at Louis. But no one else. No need to blame them since their apartment has too many people living here, it’s like a whole neighbourhood, and they’re here only for two months –it's since it's just the beginning of November. 

The traffic is terrible and that only makes Zayn complaining even more because,  _Louis you’re no longer in a small village, this is London and there are actual people living here, so try to move your big ass faster in the morning, please._

If he hadn’t said please and if he wasn’t driving, Louis would punch him, but Zayn was polite and he wants to live for a little bit more.

~*~

“Let me guess, you two were late again this morning, weren’t you?”

“Guess whose fault was?” Zayn rolls his eyes putting his cold coffee in the bin before exiting the teacher’s room.

“Are we playing this game again, guys?” Louis protests

“Of course, every time I need to pay your lunch because you two didn’t have time to pack something from home or bring your wallet.”

“Liam, don’t call that place home…” Louis warns him, in frustration but is ignored by the two taller men.

“Liam, you understand my side don’t you? Otherwise other people, I’m a real teacher so I’ve got a schedule.” Zayn looks at Louis, raising his brow. Louis notices the irony and amusement but still plays hurt. 

“Excuse me, I’m not the one teaching our mother language to other English people. That’s just stupid.” Louis scoffs while they walk to the exit, walking by some students who greet them with a quiet  _good evening_  and a small smile.

“Are you listening to what you are saying?” Zayn asks grimacing while Liam just laughs not really daring to say something or they’d tell him to shut up or ignore him by this time, even if he is included in the subject.

“Always,” Louis grimaces back, looking at Zayn with narrowed eyes “besides, you know if it wasn’t for me, this school would be boring.”

“This school would be calmer, better said.” Liam decides to interrupt

“Shut up Liam!” Zayn and Louis say in harmony, making him shrug and take the keys from his car from his pocket.

“Besides, everyone knows that every student loves me. I’m everyone’s favourite.” Louis smiles, flipping his short hair back with his hand.

“Not everyone has drama class…” Zayn rolls his eyes

“Obviously not everyone can be a good actor. But you see, I’m not even their teacher and they still love me.”

“Every time, every time…” Liam sighs, shaking his head.

“Shut up, Liam!” Zayn and Louis say in harmony once again, not taking their eyes off from each other

“Well, get in the bloody car for god sakes.” Liam groans and they notice that they’re stopped in front Liam’s car and he’s already inside, with the window rolled down –with the same face expression he has when looks at them. They share some looks and then Louis laughs shrugging it off and getting in the passenger seat.

Of course Zayn protests because,  _you got that seat the last time_ , but Louis ignores him turning the radio on, in the maximum, muffling Liam’s groans about how they are always so annoying and their fights never make sense.

~*~

“Next time I’m taking you two to a coffee shop that one of my friends recommended to me.” Liam says while they eat their breakfast/lunch. All have the same; fried eggs, half of a grilled tomato, fried mushrooms, a toast with butter, sausages and baked beans. Louis got used to this lifestyle pretty quickly, honestly, even if he now has to replace his milk or tea with a mug of coffee, just because it’s necessary.

“Are you asking me and Zayn on a second date, my dear?” Louis asks, flashing his eyelashes towards Liam, who almost shocks on his coffee.

“Chill man.” Liam jokes and Zayn laughs with his comment

“I’m sure it wouldn’t be a second date, we went on so many already.” Zayn joins the party so Louis smirks, giving him a glare. Teasing Liam became their hobby when they aren’t working.

They don’t really know how they got along with Liam so well. They’re in that school since September and they haven’t made any  _friend_  and talked with much people in there –except Zayn, everyone loves Zayn, Louis thinks –probably because they all seem so sophisticated and all so much older than them. Liam was the closest from their age.

They don’t really know much about his life. They know he’s working in that school for two years but don’t know where he is from and they aren’t sure if he even has a wife or girlfriend since he is always available to hang out at night. He’s chill, doesn’t ask much question and was the first person there who truly helped them on their first day, not only saying  _if you need something, just ask_ , like most of people did and at the end weren’t really available for that.

“Well, I’m sorry to tell you Zayn, Louis,” Liam looks at them at time “But it isn’t really working… you know, this thing between us three. It’s not for me. I thought you had noticed it already by how bad our dates have been.”

Louis fakes crying, being as dramatic and loud as he can be, while Zayn covers his face with his hands, fake sobbing. “Who is now going to pay our lunch when we arrive late?” Louis asks in despair.

“I guess it’s a good time for you to start hurrying up then.” Zayn turns his head to Louis, at his side, in hope.

Louis sighs loudly and cleans his invisible tears from the corner of his eyes, with his thumb. “You’re right babe. I think I really need to, since it’s just me and you now.” Louis gives Zayn a sad smile and brings him closer by his shoulder to place a kiss on his temple.

“You two make me sick.” Liam chuckles

“Well, you don’t belong to our group anymore, lucky you then.” Zayn teases, taking his tongue out and leading his hand to Louis’ waist, squeezing it a bit.

“Lucky me.” Liam answers continuing his breakfast being indifferent with the whole subject but still laughing at those two idiots whispering at each other.

~*~

 “Tired?” Zayn asks taking Louis’ half full plate from the table to clean everything up. It’s Louis’ turn to clean the kitchen after dinner and Zayn would have been protesting about it if he didn’t notice how down and tired Louis looks –it’s not hard to notice though, he’s not talking much, he is not teasing Zayn, he is not commenting what’s happening on TV and he is supporting his head with his hand with his elbow on the table.

“A little.” Louis answers standing up from his seat when sees Zayn washing the dishes.

He helps him by grabbing the glasses to the sink and the napkins to the bin “It’s my turn, I can do it.” Even his voice sounds tired and husky.

“No way, I know you worked hard today. Go to the couch, I’ll be there in a bit to cuddle, yeah?” Zayn says instead, giving him a smile, which Louis returns as saying thank you.

The blue eyed boy nods and walks away to the small couch in front of the TV. Their flat is comfortable but still not how Louis expected to be. Yet, he loves the fact that the kitchen is bright and in the same room there is the living room, which looks cosy and has a small window giving them a pretty good view from London. He could make the living room his room instead of the one he is sleeping at, he honestly hates it. It feels empty, cold and too white. Even when Zayn decides to lay down with him for a bit he finds it relaxing and comfortable.

Louis zaps through the TV channels and ten minutes later, Zayn is appearing in front of the TV. He takes the blanket from the side of the couch and sits next to Louis, bringing it up with him. It’s like a routine, he knows Louis likes to have someone to comfort him at the end of the day because it’s when he feels more tired and needy. So even if he feels cold, it’s Zayn who needs to cover him with the blanket –not normal but Zayn is used to it for almost four years now.

Louis snuggles in the corner of the couch, now feeling Zayn’s warmth from his body heating him up, he brings his knees to his chest, under the blanket and presses his side against Zayn, resting his head on his shoulder. Zayn automatically put his arm around his shoulders and presses a kiss on top of his head.

They don’t say anything for a while, just watch two minutes of each channel till Louis is changing it again.

“I didn’t work that hard today.” Louis confesses, sniffing and he feels like he is catching a small cold. He just makes a mental note not to attract much attention to it or Zayn will be too worried.

“You seem tired. What did you do then?”

“The usual. Had two classes after lunch, with the eldest and then with the beginners. Then just had a forty minutes extra class with some students, you know that workshop the school is having now?” Zayn hums as signal that he is listening to him, even if his eyes are on the screen, now playing some documentary about how to make toothpaste, a bit forgotten. “Then just needed to prepare tomorrow’s class, which wasn’t too much. I guess I’m just tired, just because.” He chuckles weakly. 

“It’s nearly eleven, maybe you should try to get some sleep.” Zayn says now looking down at Louis.

“Don’t think I can do it right now.” Zayn nods as an understanding.

“You looked fine in the morning.”

“And I was. I think I just felt like this when I reached home.”

“Oh Louis, you’re always unlike other people.” Zayn laughs a bit, brushing Louis’ fringe to the side. His blue eyes aren’t even focused on what is playing on TV –if they were, Louis had changed channel a long time ago because learning how to make toothpaste it’s not something he wants to waste his time watching –they are probably focused at the pale and tedious blank wall at the side.

“Want me to make you some milk? Hot? Cold? Simple? With chocolate? We don’t have cookies but I can go buy on the grocery at the end of the street, pretty quick.” Zayn asks softly when Louis doesn’t say anything else. He never knows when it’s the right time to ask Louis if he wants that. Sometimes he wants it when he is too happy, likes to lean against the kitchen counter while talking to Zayn till 3am on a Friday night, other times it’s when he doesn’t feel like hanging out on Saturdays and he lets the cookies drowning on the cold milk, not saying a word and sometimes just doing it. Not drinking the milk nor eating the cookies.

Louis gets closer to Zayn, bringing his arm around his torso and squeezing him a bit. He whimpers while burying his face on the crook of Zayn’s neck. Zayn sighs sadly because he knows what Louis is doing. “Sorry little one.” He whispers, resting his head on top of Louis’. “We can stay here for a bit, try to fall asleep, I’ll carry you to bed then.”

He feels Louis’ hot breathe hitting his skin. Louis didn’t have one of these since they moved out to this flat. But he admires Louis so much, Zayn admires him from head to toe, he admires him for the person he is, the person he was and he just really cares so much about him. He knows Louis believes his care for him, otherwise they wouldn’t be living together. Otherwise Louis wouldn’t trust him like this and stayed around since they started college.

Louis had so many friends back then and he only kept Zayn and Zayn knows he was the only one Louis would see as a real friend, besides everyone else around them.

“Sorry, I’m okay now.” Louis says some minutes later, taking a deep breathe.

“I know… But try to sleep, babe, I’ll be here.”

“Thanks.”

And Louis is truly thankful because missing  _him_  comes in waves. Tonight he is drowning. And he needs someone to rescue him and Zayn is the only one there right now.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » i'm so excited for this sequel you have no idea. sometimes i'm going to start asking you some questions because it's really important that you understand this stuff behind this book. this chapter might seem stupid and just not what you expected but in each part there is something important (can be more than just one). so what do you think it is ? what called your attention ? i'll answer at it next chapter but want to listen to what you have to say
> 
> Contact me:  
> http://fresharold.tumblr.com/  
> https://twitter.com/blu3v3ins  
> http://www.wattpad.com/user/fresharold


	4. Knowledge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » it's really important, for better comprehension, for you to read my author's notes at the end of each chapter from now on :)

“Hey, Mr Tomlinson, are you feeling better this week?”

“Yes I am, thanks for asking Jonathan.” Louis answers, offering a small smile to his student. “Felt pretty down at the weekend, think it was just a cold.” He finishes, saving his stuff in his bag while the other students exit the auditorium.

Louis likes to have a good relationship with his students, so when he said that he was everyone’s favourite teacher, he wasn’t wrong –well he is the favourite teacher for the students who actually have his class, of course. He still has a young mentality and is a kid from heart because Louis actually hates to be an adult now –what would little Louis say?

So his students are his way to feel like he is still on high school, in his classes he is more like a student than a teacher, really. So it’s not a lie that they all feel comfortable around him and Louis does his best for it. Of course there are still some students who fake liking him or who he doesn’t get along that well with because they’re a bit problematic, but he can count them by his fingers.

“We all noticed it on Friday. Tough week?”

“Tough work more like. I have some plans for twelfth grade so be prepared.” Louis grins and Jonathan seems excited for it.

He is his best student, not shame to say one of his favourites from all years. He is always nice and polite, really talkative and also ready to help with everything. Maybe the one in this last two months he had created a better relationship with “Will it involve the other senior class?”

“Yes, it will involve all the eldest. Can’t tell you what’s in my mind, so don’t try to ask me questions.” Louis jokes, leaning his hips against the piano in the middle of the room.

“I understand.” The green eyed boy says and Louis notices that he sure was thinking about asking more questions, which would take his whole break to answer, however his smile drops and, well, his fifteen minute’s break will be wasted anyway. “Mr. Tomlinson?”

“Yes?”

“You always say that we should talk to someone when we feel a bit down, right?” Louis nods, giving his attention to the brunette in front of him, his eyes are on his feet so Louis sees himself forced to answer with proper words.

“Yes, that’s what I say.”

“Well, you are the teacher who I talk the most and feel more comfortable with…” Jonathan starts “And well, I haven’t been feeling that well lately…”

“I’ve got some minutes to listen.” Louis says, now fully leaning over the piano and crossing his arms against his chest.

“It’s nothing special, but I've got no one to talk to. Well… Otherwise my parents but they don’t really hear me out and are probably too stressed out or busy to give me attention.” Louis feels his own relaxed expression falling off his face, getting serious and listening attentively. “So… erm, I hope I’m not bothering you sir but –“

“Jonathan, c’mon, you know I like you all to see me as a friend. Class is over now, you can speak… please.” Louis says more gently

“Thanks.” He says shyly and finally meets Louis’ face, pushing his hair back from his forehead and taking a deep breathe. “I fought with my best friend on Friday and, like, I know this is kinda childish to complain about but I hate being mad at him. We usually apologise to each other the next day but I’m conscious that this time it won’t be like that… it’s like, really serious. I’m mad at myself for it but not sure whose fault is… it’s just weird being like this at him and just not good to handle.” He sighs sadly and there’s silence around the room when he doesn’t continue. Louis realises he won’t explain anything neither add some detail.

“Well… I don’t really know how to help you kid. I think apologising is the only way. You said you always apologise the next day then do it, especially when you hate being this way with him.”

“Yeah, but what if it’s not as easy as it seems. What if he hates me?”

“He is your best friend, he doesn’t hate you.” Louis smiles a bit and rests his hand on the boy’s shoulder, friendly. “I’m sure of it, just speak to him because it’s the only way Jonas.” He keeps smiling to transmit positively “When something bothers you, you need to talk about it. I don’t know what happened, but talking is the only way to solve your problems with someone, you can’t just sit and wait. If it’s his fault then explain him what you feel, if it’s yours then try to make him see your side and reasons why you did whatever you did. If that’s the case.” He adds

“I suppose… but I don’t find the courage to.”

“You don’t find the courage? To talk to your best friend?” Louis raises his eyebrows and Jonathan doesn’t say anything. “I’m sure you can, he is your best friend for a reason, you should feel comfortable with him.”

“And I do.”

“Then you have the courage to talk to him. Look at him and think, that’s my boy I can do it and I’m gonna talk to him because we aren’t meant to be mad at each other.”

Jonathan laughs and Louis doesn’t quite understand the reason why but lets him speak “You’re weird at giving advice, Mr. Tomlinson.”

“I’m weird at everything kid. At life mainly.” He chuckles.

“Deep.” Jonathan laughs as well, but his expression comes back to be serious. “Thanks, though.”

“It’s fine. Don’t hesitate to talk to me whenever you need.” Louis smiles thinking that yeah, he didn’t help the kid but at least he talked to someone. Louis knows it’s better than just keeping things to himself while over thinking. “And I’m serious.”

“I won’t. See you tomorrow.” Jonas smiles and waves at his teacher leaving the room.

Louis sighs, the thought that he has one more class before going back to the flat makes him feel more tired and sleepy than he already is. He likes his job from Tuesday to Thursday, he loves it on Fridays but definitely hates on Mondays.

Today is Monday, he arrived late at school again, which means dealing with a bad tempered Zayn, who only regrets all the shouting afterwards, late at night.

~*~

“I think Jonathan isn’t dealing the whole,  _I’m mad with my best friend_  thing too well…” Louis says late at night, two days later, so it’s Thursday and today he liked his job, he is the normal tired –the supportable one, when he still can act like himself and a living person –and he actually slept better last night. He is laying down on the couch, his legs above Zayn’s thighs and his head rested on a pillow, looking at the TV.

“Well it’s normal isn’t it?” Zayn says, looking at Louis, when Louis starts speaking Zayn’s whole attention is on him and maybe Louis doesn’t notice it quiet well. “I never deal well when we get on a fight.”

“Oh, yes but the guy looks so down. I don’t think our conversation helped...” he grimaces thinking about it and meeting Zayn’s gaze “Well I don’t blame him, it was pretty shitty.” He sighs “It’s just so sad to see him at class always so quiet and not looking like he is enjoying being there.”

“The kid should know that when he is in class he needs to let his personal things out of the door.” Zayn says way too seriously and Louis kicks his leg, hitting him on his thigh.

“Oh please Zayn. That’s just stupid, you know it’s not easy. When something bothers you it’s not like you’re going to put it behind your back like that. If it touches you it’s normal to make you out of place.”

“Yeah, okay Madre Theresa.” Zayn jokes and pats Louis’ leg on top the blanket. “But you know you’re not forced to help those kids and build that kind of relationship.”

“Yes I know, but I want to. It makes me feel better and makes me keep going.” He sighs “I was so worried about this job, you know it, I wasn’t sure if it was what I exactly wanted…”

“You know it was –it is exactly what you want, Louis.” Zayn says softly and once again, the TV is forgotten for a moment. Zayn looks seriously at Louis, so seriously that is almost intimidated.

“Yes but I didn’t have motivation. You know how I even felt about going to uni.” Zayn nods “Those kids there just make me realise it, that yes, I like what I do, I’m there for them now, I’m there to teach them something, to be useful…”

“Louis…”

Louis sighs once again “I just really want to be okay with everyone. I want to have a good life, I don’t want to feel this tired all the time… the kind of tired that sleep doesn’t help and even if it did, it wouldn’t because… you know, this is all so frustrating. I’m still so scared of the future…”

“I told you not to think about this, Louis.” Zayn says, knowing that right now they aren’t only talking about their jobs, about how Louis feels towards it. “And don’t say _, it’s not easy_ _Zayn_ , in that annoyed voice of yours. I know you had move one,”  _he had_  “I know you are happy and you have to see that you have a life Louis. A good life.”

“I don’t like this place.”

“You don’t like London?”

“No. I love London. I just don’t like this flat.” He confesses, not meeting Zayn’s eyes.

“Well love, we have to deal with this for some time till we get enough money to afford a new one. Then we’ll buy a better one, right in the centre if you prefer.” Zayn smiles and brushes the bare skin from Louis’ ankle, tenderly, with his thumb.

“I don’t know Zayn, I don’t feel like home for so long.”

“Hey, little one.” Zayn takes Louis’ hand in his, the one that Louis was resting above his belly, making him look at the dark haired boy. “I’m here, you know…?”

“I know.”

“Good then. So it’s fine.”

“I’m sorry if sometimes I just freak out.”

“Oh Louis, don’t…”

Louis chuckles, more like laughs at himself because of his own stupidity. “I was feeling great just now…”

“I know. And you’re still feeling great.”

“I am.” Louis agrees with a small smile. “Though, I’m gonna smoke” he says, lifting his legs up, bringing the blanket with him and sits up on the couch then placing it at the side.

“Mind if I join?” Zayn asks, not sure about it but Louis shrugs.

“The window is big enough for both of us.” He answers then and it’s actually good to hear that because Zayn knows how much Louis enjoys to smoke alone, as if he didn’t really want to let people know  _he does it,_ so it’s good to have sure that he truly is okay. 

Louis gets the pack of cigarettes and gets close to Zayn, who had opened the small window already and is leaned over against it.

“It sucks the fact that we never get to see the stars.” Louis comments lighting up the cigarette, looking out at the window. He takes a drag once and before blowing out the smoke he passes it to Zayn, who does the same.

“Imagine that they are the lights from the city.” Zayn says looking outside as well, almost forgetting to pass the little thing between his fingers to Louis.

“They’re supposed to be up in the sky, Zayn.” Louis chuckles and he takes the cigarette himself from Zayn, bringing it between his thin lips. It’s a cold night and he wished he could only feel that comfortable breeze, somehow warm and that it wouldn’t be this chilly.

“Well maybe they fell for you Louis. Only for you.” Zayn smiles and Louis shakes his head.

“Cheeky.” He punches Zayn on his shoulder, holding the cigarette between his lips, with the help of his teeth. He gives one more long drag and gives it to Zayn “Think I’m going to call my mom.”

“It’s past midnight.” And that’s not a good signal

“Yeah I know, but I don’t call her in a week, she’ll think I forgot about her.” Louis laughs a bit

“I’m sure she won’t” Zayn says finishing the cigarette “But go on then. I wait for you to go to bed.” Louis nods with a small smile, which actually reaches his eyes and turns around to walk to the room he sleeps. “Hey Louis.” He hears after three steps and he turns away to look at Zayn. “I love you man, don’t forget it.”

Louis grins this time, a full wide smile and nods “I won’t. Thanks.”

He walks to the room and takes his phone from his nightstand, sits on the edge of the bed, dials his mother’s number and places the phone between his ear and shoulder while takes his socks from his feet, which were already itching him.

As expected, Fiona doesn’t answer immediately and he was already expecting it to go to voicemail and then needing to call again, however, what it seems in the fifth call, she answers it.

“Hello?” Her voice sounds tired and it’s almost a whisper, so Louis is sure he just woke her up.

“Mom? Can we talk?” Louis says getting comfortable in the bed, almost not being succeed.

“Louis, honey?”

“Yes mom it’s me.” He laughs a bit, knowing that she just picked her phone the fast she could not even looking at the ID.

“Oh, wait a second.” She says and Louis hears muffled sounds from the background and he is sure she is getting out of bed and dressing the now old, pink, satin robe that Louis knows too well.

“Is dad working?” He asks and the answer comes seconds later, after he hears a door being shut.

“No, he is sleeping, that’s why I’m going to the kitchen.”

“Everything okay around there?”

“Yes, love. And you? Are you okay? Why did you call this late?” She asks in a concerned tone and Louis doesn’t blame her, he only calls her late at night when he really needs to because he knows how awful it is to be awaken in the middle of a good sleep.

“Just wanted to talk to you.” He confesses, laying down with his head on the pillow and talking quietly. Not because he doesn’t want Zayn to listen –that’s far away from the problem –just because maybe it’s night and it’s not okay to be talking loudly. He doesn’t know how he got this idea.

“Did you and Zayn fight?”

“No, we’re good.”

“Okay. Tell me sweetie, are you happy?” She asks and Louis isn’t taken back with the question, she asks him that every time they talk.

“Yes mom. I am doing what makes me happy.”

“Good, that makes me happy too.” She sighs in relief, answering the same she always does but somehow, it never loses its meaning. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Peter maybe. Or my job… something good.”

“Peter is okay, he misses you a lot. We all do. Zoe is coming for Christmas did I tell you?”

“No you haven’t. That’s good, that makes me smile.” He says, his voice no longer coming weak.

“Yes, can’t wait to have all of us together. This house has been so quiet. Well, most of the time… Peter likes loud music and brings loud kids with him. Frustrating.” She says somehow in an amused tone “I’m too old for this and not used at it.”

“But I know you like that noises mom.”

“Yes… yes I do, honey. It tells me that I’m still raising my son. Soon he is gone as well.”

“Listening to you saying that doesn’t make smile, mom.”

“It doesn’t make me as well.” She chuckles “So how’s your job? Are you liking it?”

"Of course I'm liking it. This is pretty amazing, I'm sharing to other people what I love the most and they are there actually to listen to it, they want to know what I've got to say. That's a wonderful feeling mom." He says and his mother knows he is smiling because his voice says it all.

"I'm glad. So glad baby." And she is smiling too. "What about Liam? It's Liam, isn't it?"

Louis chuckles quietly "Yes it is. He is cool, pretty cool actually. We spend a lot of time with him, he is our friend."

"You needed new friends..." Fiona says and her smile vanishes. "Those in university weren't the best I was so worried and afraid that..."

"That happened the same when I was a teen... Yes mom I know and it happened, it happened but it's just like everything in life we make tones of mistakes so we can regret it later and feel bad with ourselves. We aren't living if we aren't hating someone and ourselves are the closest we have in that moment. But hey, I'm a teacher now and I own a flat, for much small and crappy it might be but I have a good life and am proud of myself." He finishes and hears silence from the other side. He doesn't regret saying what he said because he is tired of  regretting things and he doesn't want to live like that, honestly. "Mom..." His tone sounds apologetic now

"Yes, sorry love. You called me to talk about good things and I think I'm just doing worst, so sorry. I'm proud of you, I'm proud of you too and you know it don't you?"

"Yes I do."

"And your father is as well..."

"Erm, yeah..."

"He is, he is, I'm sure."

"I suppose." He leads his available hand on top of his eyes and takes another deep breathe. "Any more new you want to tell me? Enough of me now." He says and they keep talking on the phone for more fifteen minutes when Fiona tells him what she has been doing during the week. That's what makes him happy because apparently talking about what he thinks it does just brings sad things with it so it's better keeping letting his mother talking.

Eventually he hears her yawning and he knows she is too sleepy to keep going. They say their  _goodbye's_  and  _I_ _love_ _you's_ and Louis hangs up.

He ends up calling for Zayn to sleep next to him because he thinks it helps Louis. He always thought it helped, especially when they were roommates back in college and Zayn skipped to Louis' bunk bed. He would feel someone next to him, he would be reminded that there is someone next to him... But it doesn't help, it never did but Zayn doesn't need to know.

He knows anyway.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » this is happening after the prologue from lost memories, louis was packing to move out to london as i wrote there. he finished uni with zayn and they're working now.
> 
> louis and zayn's ralationship is really important, so i want to hear what you have to say about them. what called the most your attention in this chapter? and do you think louis is really okay and happy? and what do you think about the way he feels about their flat and why?


	5. Homesick

“Zayn…” Louis groans, covering his ears with his pillow to muffle the annoyed noise coming from outside the bedroom.  “Zayn!” he groans louder this time when gets no response. He keeps trying till he decides to try to punch Zayn next to him and kicking his leg under the sheets but… the other side of the bed is empty.

Louis sighs sadly, the worst feeling he can ever be faced with is awaking up alone on a cold bed, with the blinds from the window still open, when he is sure that he hasn't fallen asleep alone the previous night. He remembers to fall asleep on the couch while they watched a movie, Zayn probably carried him to bed and when he noticed Louis was really sleeping, went to his own room. It was one of those Fridays that they wanted to get drunk but were too poor to spend money on the good bars from London and too lazy to go buy it themselves on the grocery at the end of the road.

The noise keeps echoing through the house and Louis is forced to get up from bed -it wasn't comfortable and right anyway -since he is sure Zayn hasn't even woken up with the noise.

His barefoot feet feel the cold floor underneath them but that doesn't even make Louis flinch. He walks to the phone from the flat where a supposed someone has already given up ringing downstairs. 

"Yes?" He asks in a kind of annoyed tone

"Don't tell me you were already sleeping." Liam almost shouts from the other side "Let me in, you two can't never respect the time."

"But where should we -" Louis starts confused and still with sleep in his eyes.

"Did you forgot? I'm going to take you two for breakfast."

"Oh, right, our date." Louis smiles, joking.

"Shut up Mr Tomlinson and let me in."

"Sure," Louis laughs and opens the door downstairs, putting the phone on its place.

He opens the front door, still shirtless and with his sweatpants (that most probably weren't always his) knowing Liam will get in the lift and will be there in a second.

"Zayn, you better wake up because Liam is here!" shouting is still useless but at least he warned him, he knows how mad Zayn gets when he is awaken by Liam.

"Is Zayn seriously still in bed?" Liam appears and walks towards Louis, he tries to seem serious but his voice sounds amused.

"Maybe..." Louis tries to hide his smirk but he doesn't even need it when Liam is disappearing through the small hall to Zayn's bedroom.

He shuts the door and seconds later he hears Zayn's not so masculine scream coming from the room and he knows Liam just licked his index and put on his ear.

In Louis' defence he warned him and didn't say to Liam directly that he was still sleeping.

~*~

"I'll cut your balls Liam, next time you wake me up like that. It's Saturday, okay? Fucking Saturday, we spend all day sleeping so we can be awake at night. We don't wake up early to have a  _nice_  breakfast." Zayn protests while they walk on the street, bumping into some people because the three of them are the type who occupy the whole sidewalk and let do not bother about the others.

"First of all, it's not early, it's 11pm and second you two a said you were in yesterday." Liam defends himself, chuckling.

"Is it right to say that I was kidding?" Zayn continues

"No, it's rude."

"I hope this coffee shop is as good as your friends say or this will be another ruined date, Liam." Louis says this time, interrupting the chat of the other two, whole they keep following him.

"It is and it's quite comfy, I went there once already and the employees are nice and the food and coffee are from crying and wishing for more."

"I will cut your balls if not." Zayn says in his husky tone.

"You are a bit too much obsessed with my balls man."

Zayn gives Liam a glower, shushing him. Louis laughs due their expressions and people keep trying to walk between them till they reach their destiny.

Liam was right when he said the place was comfy, it feels warm and just like a mixture of every seasons. Inside it's smells like pastry and coffee. Even if there are some people who look quite in a hurry more than half of them look relaxed and happy, talking with their company.

The tables are in a shape of a circle and the chairs look like armchairs, with nice pillows, which makes it more comfortable. Also, the walls are with nice paints as decoration and in the main counter there are small baskets with sugar, others with coffee beans or others even with nice mugs. The pastries are in glassy showcases and it all looks so delicious and pretty.

They sit on a table and Louis actually feels pleased that there isn't much people in here (well it’s just that the whole tables aren't occupied and that's not usual in London), which is good because for much Louis loves the noise and the agitation of the city, sometimes it's just too much and he appreciates some peace.

"Okay your balls are safe... From now." Zayn whispers leaning over Liam a little.

"Let's not talk about each other's nuts please." Louis rubs his temples, still trying to act serious and look like he is the mature one.

"Like that one time you ate nuts from mines?" Liam winks and Louis just wants to puke.

"First, you were wearing pants... Obviously. And second, you are so not funny." Louis rolls his eyes.

"Zayn is laughing." Liam points out and Louis looks at the dark haired boy, who is wiping his small tears from the corner of his eyes.

"That's because he is useless at being on my side. And an idiot."

"I'm sorry." Zayn chuckles.

"Whatever." Louis says finishing the conversation, because he doesn't want to end up laughing and screwing everything. The thing is Zayn doesn't laugh much but when he does, Louis needs to join him and it's not only because he looks too cute and too hot at the same time.

Zayn is just not human. With his shampoo-commercial raven hair, irritatingly flawless caramel skin, eyelashes, perfectly shaped brown, maybe hazel, eyes, cheek bones and a jaw that could cut him in half.

The waitress ends up showing up just in time. Her name is Stella (because she made sure to say her name before telling them she was going to serve them this morning , with a nice and polite smile) and her eyes look like Louis'. It's a mixture of blue and grey, also, Louis is sure Zayn just wants to ask her (as much as Louis does, honestly) how she can have such a healthy, shiny and pretty blonde hair but that is just not the time to do it.

They order their food and Louis loves the feeling he gets when wants desperately to eat something, not only because he is hungry but because the way the food sounds already seems to taste so well. But yeah, okay, he is hungry. He was always a breakfast person, if that's something someone can be. He likes nice and huge breakfast. At home they were the best, at uni they sucked but now... Now it's like knowing he is going to have a nice day afterwards.

"Why are you two talking about work?" Louis asks, shushing Liam and Zayn, who are talking about the English tests they are going to give their students (it's Saturday for god sakes and the test only start in a month or so) "I'm bored thinking deeply about breakfast's while you two stress out in there."

"That sounds fun Louis, why don't you share your thoughts with us?" Zayn smiles wryly

"I know you are joking Zayn, but you know I'm going to tell you a story about -"

He stops.

"Louis?"

He doesn't listen.

And Zayn doesn't dare to look where Louis is looking l, afraid of what he is going to be faced with because Louis looks petrified. He looks like he is about to die. His blue eyes are so widely open, his skin so pale and he is frozen... Frozen like ice.

Because there it is. No, there  _he_  is. In front of Louis.  _Harry._

I mean, Louis thinks is Harry. God, he mostly is certain that it is Harry.

_And it is._

And Louis doesn't even think how is that possible, how he is in front of him, wearing an apron and smiling at the costumers while giving them their coffee or their take out, as if the world hasn't stopped for Louis. As if he had the right to be there, looking older, almost unrecognisable, having that smile that was the only way for Louis  _to be sure._

Louis is glad Harry gives him little seconds before looking back to remember Louis existence. Before they are face to face even being four steps away from each other

_Four fucking steps away._

Harry's smile drops. He doesn't keep smiling when looks back at Louis, no, his smile dares to drop. The look he gives Louis is nothing. Louis doesn't know that guy who he let his heart go away for him so when he disappeared left Louis empty, with nothing.

Louis had forgotten about that face, had forgotten about so many details... He forgot a lot of things. Harry's person on his mind was nothing but blurry by now because the time, the time took all away. Photographs don't help. Videos don't make the nostalgia disappear, only brings it.

Harry's lips move and Louis is damn sure he just mutters  _Louis._  And fuck. Fuck, because Louis forgot that as well. The way his tongue appears between his lips and curls to say his name and wow, he can't remember his voice. It probably sounds different.

Louis isn't sure if he wants to know.

Because Harry looked happy before noticing Louis and he never looked sad around him.

Right, Louis doesn't know that guy over there. But that guy over there once held him, once knew him, once was everything his eyes could see.

Louis forgot, he simply forgot he missed Harry. He forgot he missed his contours on the other side of his bed, he forgot how it is to feel his touch, how it is to be loved like Harry did, he forgot how he missed to feel  _that_  safe, because it wasn't the same anymore now, of course.

And he is mad because he forgot how much it hurt and now it's back. In a blink of an eye, that feeling is back. In a blink of an eye it went from butterflies fluttering in his stomach to bees stinging in his heart.

They were so young, they were so happy and united. And now there he is. Harry is there after all this years, working in a café. And Louis is seeing him. And Louis is there as well, living in London in a flat he doesn't even like with another guy that it isn't Harry and being a drama teacher instead of following his hope that was  _being an actor,_ _doing theatre_.

And now they don't know each other, now Louis is just paralysed looking at that still so, so beautiful boy... Man, who he once let go, who once left him and honestly, losing him was like hearing every goodbye ever said to Louis all at once. He had no meaning for the word life anymore. He was lost and abandoned.

And there he is four steps away from him.

_Four fucking steps._

And Louis doesn't know what to do.

He feels like crying but he won't. At least not now, he is too in shock.  Because this was a normal morning (a happy one actually) and he never expected that his heart was going to stop for seconds. The aim of getting out was to have a nice breakfast, not to want to puke even having an empty belly. This was such a nice café he didn't expect to see his lost love of his life.

_Lost._

He literally spent years not knowing where the hell Harry was and now there he is as if he had the right to appear in front of Louis like that. Looking happy. Looking different.

Louis feels weak and vulnerable.

"Louis, don't!" He hears a familiar voice. It's  _familiar._ But he is already running away from that place because one more second there and he would turn into a ghost. He would lose himself and choose the dark tunnel instead of the one that has a light at the end.

So he reaches outside and everything is black... But he was sure he choose the good side.

He supports himself on the closest thing from him, he doesn't know if it's the top of a car, if it's the street lamp... It could even be a lady, anything is good right now instead of passing out on the floor.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and it's still so  _fucking familiar._

"Louis." Zayn whispers and Louis seems like he just ran the marathon because he is literally with trouble breathing. "Louis breathe." Zayn demands, he demands strictly and at the same time concerned.

Louis takes his hand to his chest and looks up to see Zayn. He is blurry and he is not sure if he suddenly started crying or if he still haven't recover his vision yet.

"Zayn," he breathes out "Zayn..."

"I know, I know. I saw..."

"It was him. He was there." He is sobbing but he still doesn't know if he is really crying.

Louis isn't afraid if Harry is coming after him and seeing him like this. He knows he won't. He doesn't know how he felt, how he is feeling, but he knows he won't come to talk to Louis.

"Little one, you need to breathe. Please, for me, breathe." Zayn brushes his hand up and down Louis' back.

"Take me home. Please, take me home Zayn." He begs and takes his hand from the lamp (it was actually the street lamp, not a car, not a lady) and takes it to Zayn's leather jacket, grabbing him tightly.

Zayn puts his hand on top of Louis' and looks at him softly. "We can't leave Liam confused in there, we -"

"Please." Louis says lowly and no, Zayn is sure he doesn't recognise him. He never saw that blue eyed boy like that... He never imagined seeing.

Zayn sighs and intertwines their hands, bringing Louis closer, helping to walk through the sidewalk.

Louis can't remember most of what happens from now on because he is just not there, he is thinking and rethinking and living again that moment when he saw Harry. Harry  _like that._ When for a second he finally felt like he had hope but then the squeeze in his heart came and he couldn't breathe.

He should remember though. He should remember how Zayn helps him all the way to get a bus, pays for it, sits him next to him on the window's side and texts Liam an apologise message. How he brings him home and sits him on the couch, where he panics for long minutes when Louis says nothing while he ignores endless messages from Liam.

"You need to speak Louis" he keeps trying but the sad boy can't move. Zayn is even afraid of touching him...  _Afraid._ "Louis, I'm fucking here, okay? Speak to me please."

Louis shakes his head, presses his lips together tightly and finally looks at Zayn in the eyes. And his blue eyes, seem so glassy and empty, as if he is looking at Zayn but he is not  _seeing_ him.

"He was there. He was in front of me, we could have talked but I... I ran away." Louis sniffles and his voice breaks into a sob. "He saw me, I was the one leaving. We could have talked I -"

"Louis do you want to go back there? Do you wanna see him again to talk?" Zayn suggests, worried by how Louis sounds so desperate.

"No." He says almost horrified. "No, I'm mad I can't -I can't talk to him I can't even.  
." he sighs and cleans the few tears from his eyes. "I don't know Zayn... He was there, fuck after... After all of this time he is there. And he is there working and seeing him like that I don't -it makes me so sad again."

"But you are so happy now and remember what you told me if you ever saw him again? That you would play it cool? You would even talk to him as if nothing had happened because it had been such a long time ago that it doesn't matter anymore?"

"I think I lied." Louis says broken

"No, no you didn't. You wouldn't lie to me that way." Zayn says almost mad but Louis doesn't even notice it, looking at the emptiness "Look at me Louis and listen. Listen, you are okay with this you are so fucking strong so don't you dare to feel sad again because you saw him. At much you should be feeling happy. You found him."

"No, Zayn..."

"I thought you had moved on." Zayn says, this time, truly sad.

"Moving on doesn’t mean you forget about things. It just means you have to accept what happened and continue living. That's what I did, for my own good. For my family's good. It was hard at first and you know it because you were with me those times. Then even if sometimes my brain forgot about him, there were days I thought about him. But it was at night and I was alone, bored and tired and couldn't sleep. Because no, it never helped you being there Zayn. But it didn't matter because it should only matter if I thought about him at three in the afternoon when I was busy."

"Louis..."

He shakes his head again as if telling Zayn that he isn't done. "But the reality is that it still hurts at three a.m., it hurts so. Fucking Much. And it's hard to handle and I remember it now. I remember how it is to miss him. It pains me because I haven't forgotten about him." He is crying by now, fully in tears. He is crying for himself and it's pathetic. "It pains me so much, Zayn." He is a mess, an authentically mess. He is so ashamed because he made himself promise that he wouldn't be like this again. He wouldn't let himself break down like this. Till now he had no reasons. But now he is showing how fucked up he is again next to Zayn, another thing he had promised himself not to do again (because he only makes promises with himself now, and look, even like this they are being broken).

But Zayn hugs him, firmly in his arms and Louis wants to push him away but he can't and Zayn won't let that happen. Zayn won't pull away.

He keeps whispering  _I know love,_ _I kno_ w, and Louis wants to shut him up because no, Zayn doesn't know. But he can't. And Zayn won't.

~*~

Louis is used to the bad days. Not like these ones, it's been a while, but he remembers them. No one knows how he is feeling but pain is part of life, is living, his mother said once, we have to deal with it and see it as part of ourselves. There are bad moments, days, weeks even months, but they will be gone one day. All bad things have an end, that's the good part of it so he needs to be fully awake to be ready for it.

And Louis is awake, he so is. Because he feels so empty that not even two packs of cigarettes can fill him. Consume him. He can't wait to be okay.

He hates doing this to himself. To Zayn even. He knows how much he hates to see Louis this way and since uni he doesn't. Not like this.

He spent the rest of Saturday sleeping. Whole Sunday's morning and afternoon in his room as well (sleeping perhaps, but the nightmares were getting worst and he sure fell asleep to go back to the same), Zayn knows he spent the whole night awake then. He didn't go to work on Monday, neither on today. Louis knows he can't keep doing it. It's his job now, he needs to be responsible  
He is not nineteen anymore  
not even twenty. He is nearly twenty five.

Life is hard but c'mon, his it's not. He is just having a teenage crisis -at twenty four. But it still hurts. And he is kinda sick. But just psychologically, it got too much.

He can't hold himself but he doesn't want to be the same mess he was four years ago. He was supposed to be okay. Even if he needed to lie to be, because he believed his own lie.

The door rings and he knows it can only be Zayn coming from work. He just needs to get the strength to get up from the sofa. He is so sleepy, he doesn't sleep for almost two days, not counting the few hours he fell asleep on the couch because it's always better than  _the_   _bed he sleeps,_ _the room he stays._

He doesn't feel like seeing anyone, this time alone was great and he doesn't want to go back to the room. But he stands up anyway, in those stupid sweat pants that he doesn't remember to buy because they came from  _home_  and are still fucking long on him. He would look like eighteen again, with a shirt saying _I'm_ _not a morning_ _person_ _(_ which isn't his as well, it's Zayn's), if it wasn't for the beard. But he opens the door looking a complete mess.

"I came here to talk."

Louis heart stops again. He is dying.

That voice isn't from the same eighteen years old boy who he talked to for the last time and made love with.

That voice is from a grown up mad.

_Fucking hell._

Louis isn't  _four fucking steps away_ from him anymore. He is not even a step. Harry is fucking in front of him and  _what_.

His face isn't the same, Louis still can't see his eyes, although he hopes that have the same colour. That at least they keep truthful to what they were because... Harry isn't Harry anymore and the man in front of him doesn't fit the blurry image he has on his head. It will be fucking blurry forever now.

Those arms, so fucking strong arms now, were his home and Louis sees how truly homesick he is. He feels so tiny. So fragile. He thinks he is going to feel this way for a long time.  
  


 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » as you might notice the questions i ask at the end are answered in the next chapter, at least. i love to read what you have to say about it, so please keep doing :) the questions from today are: what do you think louis meant when though "harry isn't harry anymore"? what do you think harry felt when he saw louis? and, is zayn supportive in this h&l think, so he knows everything and wants to help louis?


	6. Broken Glasses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Little Do You Know by Alex and Sierra
> 
> The Moment I Knew by Taylor Swift
> 
> ZZ Ward by Last Love Song (acoustic)

"What are you... How did you..." Louis stutters trying to speak to the stranger in front of him. Louis tights his grip on the door, till his knuckles turn white.

Harry is looking at him, Harry can fucking look at him while Louis looks behind his back enabled to do it.

"Your friend -I mean, the guy with dark hair, Zayn? He drove me here." He says and what the hell? Why is Harry speaking so calmly? Speaking with that so much more croaky and husky than the last time Louis heard on a video, looking so much taller than him than the last time he noticed the difference in a picture. There are no wide curls but a fringe pulled back and long curvy hair, there are no large pants and Louis' sweaters, but there is tight jeans and a T-shirt Louis have never seen in his life. There is no baby face, there is a man's sculpted face with a long jaw. Louis can't even recognise his smell, Louis can't recognise his lost  _best friend._ There is green eyes... But there's something different on them. Louis doesn't know if it's good or bad... He thinks he won't know.

"You aren't... You..." He feels it, Louis feels it... The tightness in his chest, he can't breathe, he can't talk... He just can't be here. Harry is in front of him, taking him by surprise and it just isn't the same, he can't just touch him, can't just say hi and go back to where they stopped. The world grew up with them instead of them growing up together.

"Louis," he gives a step forward and Louis gives one backwards, not holding the door anymore. "I understand..." Harry nods referring to the fact that Louis doesn't want to be close.

And he doesn't. He feels so sick. He feels like he is going to puke anytime, he just heard that man saying his name and it felt so weird... So fucking weird, he wants to push him away not to see him again or shout to bring the Harry that left him. No, the Harry who used to say he would never leave Louis.

The Harry he was supposed to grow up with. Louis didn't see that man growing up, he lost a lot of his life, he doesn't know what's going on with him. He knows his past, not his present.

"Look at you Louis," his face softens "look how grown up you are now. Look at -"

"No!" Louis almost shouts, keeping walking backwards. The stranger's face changes but he keeps following Louis with his green eyes.

"I know Louis..." Harry says calmly, fucking calmly when Louis feels like crying right now.

"You know nothing."  _Not even me._

And no, Harry doesn't.

"Louis, I -"

"Stop saying my name." Louis shouldn't be this mad.  _It's been five years,_ he shouldn't be acting like a kid and more like he said to Zayn he would. But Harry had such an impact on his life and he sees... He sees it now, he had been lying to himself... He was okay, yes, happy, sometimes, but he always lied when said  _it doesn't matter anymore._

There were times when he could have pressed quit but he hit continue, however, he stayed on the same place.

"I don't want you to say it. Not mow, not like this,"  _not ever_ because Louis was sure he wanted to find Harry but now that he is in front of him he isn't sure of it.

"I came here to talk Louis." And he continues, talking that way, talking like he hasn't left Louis shattered into pieces, like they didn't have that  _friendship,_ like they haven't fallen in love like they did.

"Do you mean apologise? I don't want to hear it."  _I deserve it but I don't want_ _to,_ he thinks. Walking away, turning his back to the man at the door.

He hears the door shutting then and he quickly looks at where the noise comes from. "You need to get out." Louis says and he notices his hands shaking he notices his eyes burning and  _nonononono,_ he can't.

_Listen, you are okay with this you are so fucking strong so don't you dare to feel sad again because you saw him. At much you should be feeling happy. You found him._

Zayn had said to him. But he doesn't feel strong, he feels weak. He does feel sad, mad and anxious and isn't happy for seeing the green eyed guy. It makes him think what he passed and that makes him weak because he couldn't get over it.

"Louis, you need to breathe." Louis is screaming on the inside because Harry keeps calm, keeps talking and keeps trying to reach for him. "Don't cry, don't cry please."

"Don't you dare!" He keeps running away from that touch that can burn, not caring if he needs to walk backwards till hits the wall from the hall. And he is mere seconds away to open the closest door and lock himself inside till this dream (nightmare?) ends. "You have no right to... To say that, to be he-here."

"Listen to me." Harry stops two steps away from Louis and he feels claustrophobe against the wall.

"No, you listen to me." He shouts, voice breaking, tears wetting his lashes. "You listen, because when I wanted to hear you, you weren't here to speak." He says and that's when Harry shows some more expression, beside his pacific one. He looks almost hurt and sad... It's weird because Louis can barely see it, because it's so different.

He still doesn't believe Harry is there. So this will be all a nightmare and he will wake up again alone in that empty and cold room, where the light from outside, coming from the half opened blind from the window is Louis' unique company - and notice how he doesn't even put the option about waking up with eighteen and with Harry next to him, so no waking up alone, not even waking up with his mother telling him it's just a dream and it's all okay.

"You can’t just make me different and then leave. You can’t! You can’t change me and make my whole life centred around you, then leave." he has been shouting this to himself, as if he was saying it at Harry for so long. It all ended up with him in a mess, the broken Louis with twenty years old and sad. He hasn't been thinking about that for so long and now after getting better, he says it again... Not to himself. To Harry. "Can you imagine how I felt all these years? How broken you left me?"

"I can, oh god, I can Louis! And I -"

"No!" He interjects "No, you can't, or you wouldn't be here talking to me like this. You have no right to disappear without warning and then come back like this." Louis breathes heavily, trying his best to ignore his heartbeat. He can hear it... He wished he could hear Harry's instead.

"I have got so much to explain but you need to hear me."

"You have no right." Louis repeats, pointing at Harry's chest, still leaving a safe distance between them. His face is from pure anger but it's almost obscured by his eyes. His sad and wet eyes. "You can't do this to me." He whines but takes a deep breathe because  _he_   _can't cry._ "When you left me -"

"Please don't say that." Harry interrupts finally showing a bit of sadness.

"When you left me," but Louis repeats, louder. "I sat on my bed for hours... Days, even... Not thinking, because I knew that if I did, I would remember you weren't there." He bites his bottom lip and sees Harry's face changing. He is finally showing something, he is not with that stupid calm expression anymore. "You had me at a point where I would’ve left the entire world behind for you." His tone comes out lower this time, his head faces the floor because looking at Harry - at that  _stranger_ , while saying those stuff, such intimate thoughts, just doesn't feel right. "I thought I had you as well. I trusted you with my whole life, how couldn't I?" He laughs sadly. "All those talks and promises... I thought I had my life all planned. I thought I was safe." He shakes his head.

"Lou..."

Louis whimpers with the name. "And how stupid it is that after years I still remember you? That after years it seems like that whole episode, that fucked me up forever, still matters?" Louis says louder, with wet eyes. He was supposed to be strong... And it pisses him off that Harry isn't the one crying anymore. He bets Harry doesn't care half of what he does. He knows. "That seeing you now makes my whole world stop because you hurt me, you disappeared without even explaining it... That now I see how that feel of abandonment is still here and it still hurts."

"Louis please, let's just -"

"That everything I thought my life would be, isn't. Because I live in a shitty apartment, where it makes me feel sick, where I can't feel happy with, can't just fucking like one bit. That I'm a stupid drama teacher, who doesn't matter that much, instead of being on stage because I was too scared to run after that idiotic  _hope._  That I moved to London because that was what we wanted and I tried to feel better coming here. That I thought about how I called you my boyfriend once and best friend millions of times and how I wished it could be more, because it wasn't enough. How naive is that? I can't feel right, like home, because I spent the most of my life sharing that feeling with you. And the reality is that I spent months thinking about what I could have possibly done wrong to not have you. What I should have noticed that I didn't. Apologising myself for not being strong enough to love you when you needed me to, because I know you needed me to."

"Louis, I'm so -"

"Shut up. See, you see how you left me? How you shattered me? You said you would never hurt me, that we would be happy, that I would always have you. I had shit of that, Harry. Shit." He shouts.  _Harry._  He doesn't know any Harry. Harry gives a step back and Louis is sure he is about to speak again, probably to say how he needs to calm down and Louis doesn't need to hear that, Harry has no right to speak here. "This past three days I drank nine cups of coffee, smoked more cigarettes than I should have, losing its count, wrote five poems and altogether, before you came here I spoke four words. I don’t know what happiness is but I’m pretty sure this isn’t anything close.”

"So I make you sad now?"

"You have been making me sad for years."

"You're under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago. You can change it. And Louis, I'm here now, we -"  _there's no we._

"You need to get out," this was just Louis' drop of water. He feels like he is going to have another break down in seconds, maybe even a panic attack... He doesn't need any of this. He doesn't need Harry anymore because the Harry he loved and needed, doesn't exist anymore, doesn't exist since the moment he left without a word, breaking all their promises.

"No Louis, we have a lot to talk and I want to explain to you every -"

"I don't need it. I thought I did, but I don't. I don't want to see you. Get out." Louis walks to the door, legs trembling, heart clenching on his chest, and opens it.

"Lo -"

"Don't even fucking dare to say my name again or I swear I will punch you. And it will hurt." He won't. He wouldn't. He knows even after everything, after even really wanting to do it one time, he wouldn't be able to punch Harry. Hurt him that way. Because he knows that man there was once the love of his life, the boy he cared the most, the quiet boy on the sidewalk with a strange obsession with flowers.

Harry seems scared for a moment and Louis considers regretting and taking back those words, however he doesn't have time for it when sees Harry pressing his lips together and walking away from the door in big steps.

That's the moment Louis allows himself to fall. He shuts the door strongly. Tears streaming down automatically and walks to his room he crashes the place. He throws the two picture frames he has with Zayn and the other with his old friends, against the wall, breaking it into pieces. He shouts and cries at the same time while punches the pillows and flips over the mattress. He messes up with his small desk, not caring if he screws his books, the lamp or even his phone.

There's broken glasses on the floor but even more broken is Louis crying with his back against the wall and cutting with a scissor the bracelet he has on his wrist for years,  _years,_ all faded and already fixed so many times with tones of strong tape.

He can't remember crying this much, not even when he saw  _that man_ on Saturday. He is so ashamed and disappointed with himself. There's no words to describe what he is feeling, it's like reliving the day he read that letter and realised that yes, it's all over.

He has been keeping things always with him that remembered Harry. That bracelet was one of those things. But what's the point now? And why did he even keep it the first time it fell off? The first time one of his mate said  _what's up with the faded bracelet?_ Even the first time he heard his mother saying  _it's time to take that off._ Because she said it so many times and Zoe... Zoe started saying it too.

However, he kept it.

But what's the point now?

And what was the point back then?

He hears noises coming from the hall and then he knows Zayn ran through the hall to his rescue when he opened the door from his room brutally and sits next to Louis on the floor to pull him into a hug. He lets the blue eyed boy cry his lasts tears from nostalgia, sadness and sorrow.

Zayn doesn't say a word for some seconds, not even really knowing if he should have hugged Louis right now. If it was the moment for that, because Zayn knows when he panics he shouldn't invade his space.

But Zayn can't really think about the right thing to do now. Louis can't even feel his presence properly he is so out of him, so lost and confused. His conversation with Harry is almost forgotten as well, not that  _he forgot,_ but the details are forgotten.

It was all so quick, Louis couldn't believe, the adrenaline of having Harry,  _Harry,_ in front of him didn't let him function like he should have. But he has anger in his veins, sadness in his eyes and pain in his heart.

"Why did you bring him here?" Louis asks between sobs, voice muffled and trying his best to breathe with Zayn's shirt in his face.

"I wanted to help." Zayn sighs and keeps petting Louis' hair, rocking his body along with Louis. Louis isn't really hugging him back but it's just because he has no strength and not because he is mad at Zayn. He couldn't. He is too mad at Harry to be mad at someone else as well.

"You didn't." He confesses, sinking his face on Zayn's chest, making even harder for him to breathe but he couldn't care less. Maybe he can pass out in need of air in his lungs and wake up feeling better.

"Oh Louis..."  _Right,_ _you have nothing to say._ _Anything can make me feel better._ _I'm still a child,_ _a broken child and I've been lying to myself, to my_ _mom,_ _to my sister,_ _to you._ He thinks.

"It's fine, he doesn't care." He sobs. "He doesn't fucking care." He can't believe Harry was so calm and told him that now he was there, as if Louis was stupid enough to just be okay about what happened so things can be okay and turn to how they were,  _how they_ wer _e,_  that he can change.

Louis isn't complicating, this is complicated.

"The kid ran past me,"  _the kid,_ he is twenty four by now... "He didn't look at me, but I can tell he was crying." Louis shakes his head. "It's probably hard for him as well."

"Didn't seem though. It's more for me."

"You don't know..."

"Yes I do." Louis looks up at the dark haired boy "I always did. I always did know what he was feeling. That wasn't sadness, he wasn't feeling nearly the agony I was. And you didn't know him, if you saw the way he looked at me, the way he talked... It wasn't Harry." He flinches with the name coming from his tongue. "That guy wasn't Harry." His bottom lip trembles and holds his breath.

"It's been years Louis..." Zayn caresses his cheek, speaking as gentlest as possible but Louis doesn't like his words. Not one bit. "Maybe he changed. Like you did. Did you hear what he had to say?"

"No. No you don't understand Zayn. You can't say that."  Louis says ignoring his last question.

"I'm sorry, love." He looks sadly at Louis. "I thought it would be good for you two to talk. I know deep down you felt happy to see him. It was what you wanted."

Louis pulls Zayn's hand away from his face and pulls a bit away from his lap. "No. Stop. It's over, Zayn. It's fucking over... It was over such a long time ago but I was too attached to let go."

"How do you know when it's over?"

"Maybe when you feel more in love with the memories than with the person standing in front of you. And I needed to see him to realise it." He cleans the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand and looks away, at the same time, Zayn grabs his wrist.

"Louis! You took it off..." And Zayn sounds more heartsick than he should, referring to the empty wrist that he was so used to see with an old bracelet. "I can't... I can't let this happen. This is too sad, little one." He cups Louis' cheeks. "Look at you," Louis tries to release himself "this is no good for you. Remember what you said? That it still matters? It always did," he speaks gently and brushes his thumb along Louis' cheekbones and that's the only reason why Louis doesn't shout at him and punch him to let him go. "You care so much about him still Louis. I remember the days you asked yourself how he might be doing, wishing him the best, writing the best poems I've ever read about that gorgeous guy that you always thought that were shitty. You burned them but I know you wished you could have them back. Like you wish you could have him." He keeps cleaning Louis' tears, now streaming down harder.

"Please... Shut up."

Zayn only shakes his head, not letting him go and pulling their faces closer. "Someone else wouldn't care like this after all this years but you Louis... You do. You deserved the love he gave to you back then. I heard everything you told me about he and you and I loved your story. I had hopes I don't want it to end for you. I want that glow in your eyes lighter than the times you talked about him to me."

"Stop..." Louis keep crying.

"I am your best friend and I promised you that I was going to help you to find him here."

"Please don't say that word."

"And I still do. I promise that I'll help you with this, I promise that everything will be okay -"

"No!" Louis screams and takes Zayn's hands away, quiet harshly and stands up, almost stumbling down, to run away from there.

Zayn keeps still, shocked and realises the shit he had said.

 

 

~*~ 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » idk till when i'll keep with updating two in two days (i don't even know how i am doing it) but hey sad chapter, i felt so bad after writing this guys! forgive me! so questions: why do you think Harry was reacting so calmly? do you think louis will regret taking the bracelet? what are your feelings towards zayn and his words (because they had an impact for a reason, right)?


	7. Fading memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » big chapter oh,

Isn’t it weird how people change and grow apart and stop talking? How you are so used to live with someone in your life and suddenly they just aren't  _there._ How you have to grow accustomed to the nostalgia and try to live your life now without  _that_ _one_ _person_ _?_  And then one day, without expecting, without warning, you see this person, who you swore you were going to be friends with forever, with who you probably did plenty of things together, who you probably have the best memories with, who you probably made plans with for the future... and then you can barely think of a thing to say. Or maybe you have too many things to say, which you end up saying what you didn't want to. Then it finally hits you that somewhere along the way, your relationship dimmed, something happened to change that good feeling you would have with this person... and you will probably never be close to that person again, which is sad. And makes you think, regret things, miss things, ask yourself what did it go wrong? And why? Why did it have to end? Because you didn't ducking want it to end.

Louis thinks that’s one of the saddest things he has ever come to terms with lately.

And he knows everyone experiences it in life (if you don't lose people you aren't living) during and after college he had... But he is not particularly talking about Erika, the girl he talked to for six months in his first years of college and then never talked again, who he saw the day he moved to London. Or Daniel, the guy who he talked the most in his drama class and got to know that moved to Paris. Or even Lola and Philip, his best buddies to hang out at night, who he came across three weeks ago in a grocery shop.

He is talking about his best friend. His boyfriend.  _Correction,_ ex best friend and ex-boyfriend. Because from Erika, Daniel, Lola and Philip he wasn't expecting anything... He wasn't expecting them to promise him a lifetime. They didn't promise him that.

Harry did.

Harry promised a lot. And while Louis didn't expect to keep contact with those four people, he was expecting with Harry. He expected a lot.

Now he has nothing.

 _"You still have me."_ Zayn had said the next night (Louis didn't go to work again) after Louis' argument with the green eyed man. After he had ran away for a walk alone.  _Ran away._ Because it was just too much.

And Louis knew –knows, he has Zayn. For now. And he is glad Zayn didn't promise him a lifetime as well. Yet.

Louis calls his mother that same night, just to listen to her talking. He says nothing, Fiona knows that something is off, but doesn't ask. Just the usual.  _Are you happy?_ Which Louis ignores because he doesn't know how to answer it.

He eventually goes to work next day because he remembers that he was supposed to move on.  _Move on again._

He looks like shit, doesn't say good morning to anyone and keeps his time from the break on the auditorium looking at the piano and playing it on his mind. He drinks more coffee, works for a bit, replaces his lunch with two cigarettes, plays with the piano mentally again, has class (speaking with a dead voice and teaching students how to fake cry and gives them sad poems), drinks more coffee, smokes more cigarettes, works till late and goes by foot back to the flat (he might have ignored Zayn)

Next day Liam speaks to him and asks him what's been up. He is totally confused and totally worried but Louis tells him that maybe he will tell him one day, when feels ready and not to try to ask Zayn because he won't tell him.

The rest of the day is the same.

On Friday Jonathan finally appears on class and apparently he had been skipping it as well. Louis thinks he looks pathetic, exactly like himself.

"Hey Jonas." He calls from the boy who was ready to head off, picking his backpack from the floor.

"Yes Mr Tomlinson ?" his voice sounds worse than Louis', which makes the older guy think that he is so much used to the pain than the kid.

"You don't look well." He tries to say it in his best caring tone so the kid doesn't think this is kind of an insult.

"Because I am not. But it's okay." He smiles and it's so cynical that makes Louis want to puke and he has only ate breakfast.

"Ugh, I hate when people say that." Louis rolls his eyes and he might turn into an asshole when he is living those days when he prefers to die than to feel like this.

"Say what?"

"It's okay." He changes is voice to be even pitchier and shrugs wryly. "It's not okay to feel like crap Jonathan, don't fool yourself." He says a bit louder, though, the boy doesn't seem bothered with it.

"Erm, yeah, but everything will be okay at the end."

"Not fully. It leaves marks." Louis says weakly, he sounds tired and he actually feels it, so he leans over against the piano, like he did last time. "Are you better with your, erm, friend?"

"No." Jonathan answers, his voice sounds like if ice could talk it would sound like that. "And he is my best friend."

"Is or was?" Louis' voice sounds as if... No, Louis sounds like an asshole.

"Is. There's always hopes..." He looks down, not showing much displeasure at hearing Louis' words. "Even if I feel like it's all over."

"Maybe it is. Friends don't stay forever."

"Best friend. He is my best friend." Jonathan repeats, a bit bothered, his green eyes show it, but his voice keeps calm and cold.

"Does it make a difference?" Louis says in annoyance. It doesn't even seem like they are having a conversation like the other times, like a teacher and his student should have.

"Yes it does. We aren't supposed to be like this. We shouldn't be mad at each other and fight this way."

"Oh Jonathan you are still so young." He shakes his head and his voice sounds steady and he is honestly making his best to speak calmly because he just really wants to shout for his life. At least, what rests from it. "That doesn't mean anything. He is still a person, he still makes mistakes and can still be what he isn't supposed to be. That means he can still hurt you. Leave you shattered into pieces that only you will be there to pick them up."

Jonathan looks at his teacher with eyes wide open, then frowns and looks confused as if the person in front of him isn't the same who told him he didn't look that good.

"That doesn't make sense sir, I'm sorry. Dylan wouldn't leave me, he wouldn't hurt me on purpose. The person he shows me is the person who he truly is." He says, his voice getting more life by mentioning his best friend's name and he sounds so sure of what he is saying that Louis wished to have eighteen and not be his teacher to punch him, waking him up to reality.

"This is real life. Why wouldn't he leave you by yourself? Maybe he will leave you without a word, showing you how important your relationship was." He laughs ironically. "Worst, he will tell you how much he loves you, how he fell hard for you the previous day, will promise you the world as if in the next day he will be by your side like always. But he won't. He won't and you will be alone thinking about how you won't be able to tell him how much you love him back. Try it. Try to tell him how you love him and want more from him. He will promise you heaven and give you hell." He is shouting by now, his veins bowling the blood and Jonathan... Jonathan has given a step back as if he was slowly running away from that mad man.

"Mr Tomlinson..." Jonathan calls him lowly, afraid and... Sad. Louis made him look sadder than what he was previously.

"Shit." He curses under his breathe, not letting him to hear "I'm sorry. I'm sorry Jonathan." He says taking his hands to his hair and approaching the young boy, not daring to get too  _close._ "I didn't mean to imply anything. I didn't... It isn't my place. I don't know what happened between you two, I shouldn't make this kind of assumptions. God I was so rude, I apologise. Don't take this the wrong way please." He says desperately and the boy looks at him in curiosity.

"Is there something wrong, sir?"

"No. I mean, I just have been pretty down and it brings up my worst humour. I shouldn't have talked to you that way and say those stuff, which you didn't need to hear."

"A wise man once said that is better to talk than to keep all your bad thoughts inside of you." Jonathan smiles briefly and his words make Louis laugh a bit.

"You don't need to hear an old man rambling about his problems."

"You are not old."

"I'm not eighteen for sure." Louis shakes his head and then sighs.  _He wished._

"Well I'm sorry if something is bothering you badly. Just don't let it take over the real you and remember that you need to run after what you want. Make yourself happy because life is too short to live it upset." Jonathan smiles, not showing how much Louis' words had hurt him.

Louis thinks that maybe the boy understands what pain is, after all.

"Thanks kid." Louis smiles back and sees Jonas getting ready to leave for good now. "Oh, listen," the boy looks back over his shoulder. "Forget what I said, it just... Doesn't help at all."

"No, it does. Somehow, you are still right. As always, sir."

And Louis understands the sadness in that voice.

And he is right about what he said.

And this time when he gets out of work he doesn't change mind when gets on the closest store on his way to buy more cigarettes and a bottle (or two, for another time) of vodka.

~*~

"He is drunk. Again." Zayn sighs walking from the front door with Liam by his side after they've had hung out.

It's December by now, which means it's been a month since Louis talked to Harry. Which means he has been a mess since then. Which means he started hating himself again.

"I'm sorry that you have to see him like this." Zayn speaks walking towards Louis who is screaming from the kitchen.

"I have seen Louis drunk plenty of times on Saturdays." Liam chuckles walking beside him.

"Yeah... But this time is different." He says almost in a whisper, not sure if he wants his friend to hear it.

Liam only looks at him questionably but doesn't ask, he has been a lot tolerant with Louis' behaviour this past weeks.

"Louis!" Zayn calls for him entering the room.

"Zayn, baby!" Louis opens his arms, while being leaned over the counter, with a bottle of wine? Is it wine this time?

The living room is a mess as well, the pillows and blankets are on the floor as well as a broken glass, Zayn is sure Louis got into a pretty bad fight with himself.

"Louis, look at this place." Zayn says tiredly and Liam walks behind him, as if taking advantage of his back to hide himself.

"You brought Liam." Louis smiles trying to look behind him, almost losing his balance. "Hello kiddo, how are you doing? Handsome as always I see." He grins and Liam doesn't answer.

"You are going to clean this place" Zayn demands, taking the bottle from his hands and putting on the sink.

"You're ruining my party." Louis pouts and when he tries to reach over the bottle again, Zayn doesn't allow him to.

"This party was made to humiliate yourself then." Zayn says lowly but harshly, so just Louis can hear him. "You are a teacher Louis. You aren't in the age to drink alone in this flat just because you feel to."

"I'm a teacher and so what? You two say that my job isn't a real one. That I don't work hard and truly." He laughs, saying it loudly.

"Behave, please." Zayn drops his head and shakes it again. He grabs Louis' upper arm to sit him on the couch.

"Don't touch me this way." Louis brushes Zayn's hand off and he is forced to drop it by the way Louis whimpers.

"Hey man, it is fine." Liam interjects but Louis ignores looking at the floor now.

"Louis, please you aren't nineteen again, don't do this again."

"Again?" Liam asks Zayn but the dark haired boy just makes him signal to wait and not talk.

And yes,  _again._ Everyone should expect this. Louis knows where Harry is now but can't talk to him, be with him. He says he is moving on, he said he was going to move one but he isn't. He is just burying himself deeper in this mess. How? Easy, hurting himself.

He didn't want to hurt this much but one afternoon, in a rainy day Louis was having a walk (just to feel even closer from the sad weather) and he doesn't know how, he doesn't really know how he ended up walking by that nice coffee shop. He looks inside to appreciate the good ambient and then there  _he_  is. Working and looking far too happy.

Louis walks away with a chest pain memorising this way so he can't make the same mistake again.

But he does. And he was memorising the way so he could do it again. See that boy again. And again. And again.

He starts going there almost every day, trying to understand when his breaks are so he doesn't waste time going there and not seeing the guy.

When he sees him, only for two minutes, far away from the outside of the window, he is like meeting him again. Looking for the lost and new details. Learning again how his eyes look out for things and how they look when he sees something that needs to be admired. Learning again how his lips curve to form a perfect smile with that dimple saying  _hi._

Learning from new how he now looks and talks with people. Learning from the first time how he interacts with people around him. How he now purses his lips when he is thinking instead of sticking his tongue out. How he now puts his hair into a ponytail when it's bothering him instead of using a beanie or one of Zoe's hair bands.

He now memorises his new appearance trying to get used to it... It's almost possible because Louis still can't picturing him in the place of that young Harry next to him on that picture frame, back home in Doncaster. So it's still blurry.

Louis tries to meet him from afar in only two minutes each day. Tries to keep in his place every time he sees Harry talking with the same employee, with good hair that attended Louis. He tries not to scream when sees the blonde guy, who goes playing and singing in the café, hug him as if knows him for years.  _Years._

It's hard to accept this person behind that balcony when the last time Louis saw him, he was the only person Harry talked to, the only person who was allowed to touch him.

Today Louis wanted to touch him, but he kept in his place. He was walking away when those green eyes stopped on him.

It was like meeting his gaze for the first time, a month ago. He walked away after looking at that confused and blanked expression.

So he drowned himself in liquor and sorrow.

"I wanna go home." Louis says not talking loudly anymore.

"You are home. I'm here little one, let's sit okay?" Zayn offers him his hand now, which Louis accepts. He leads him to the couch and sits the drunk boy there.

"I'm such a disappoint."

"Disappointment." Zayn corrects him "And you aren't love. You know you aren't so please don't put yourself down."

"You hate me now. I'm a mess." He sighs "I'm not drunk, Zayn... But I'm a mess."

Zayn keeps his hand his back, rubbing it up and down, glancing at Liam, who is looking at them still confused.

"I don't hate you. I love you a lot remember?" Louis shakes his head and Zayn sighs again. "Are you calmer now?"

"Will you leave me?" Louis ignores Zayn's question and asks instead.

"I won't."

"And Liam?" Louis looks at Liam for a second before looking back at Zayn.

"No." Liam answers in Zayn's place. "I'm here Louis." Zayn shoots him a thankful look.

"He said that too" Louis chuckles and Zayn looks at his empty eyes, sadly. "And he isn't here. Instead, you are Zayn." Zayn says nothing and Louis continues. "I've been seeing him. He doesn't know that I'm looking at him, though." He shakes his head and honestly, he sounds like a mad man. "But I think he saw me today. He looks so different _Zaynie_. Maybe it isn't really him and I was wrong." He shrugs.

"Let's go to bed Louis." Zayn grabs his arm but Louis pulls away again, as if he had physically hurt him.

"No. I don't like that bed. I'm afraid of sleeping Zayn." He says firmly.

"You aren't afraid of sleeping Louis. You just need to stop thinking for a bit."

“I do stop. But when I close my eyes all I see is images that scare me. They look so real."

"They aren't real Louis." Zayn shakes his head and rests his hand on Louis' shoulder, squeezing a bit. "Love, let's go to bed okay? Drink a glass of water and let's go. Please, for me."

"Bring Harry. My Harry, not the one from now, the one from previously. You know the little one. Then I'll be able to sleep."

"You aren't making sense, love." Zayn stands up and offers his hand again, Louis doesn't accept. "Please." He insists. "Louis, this needs to stop. I will talk to your mom and tell her what's been happening."

Louis starts laughing again "I'm a kid now? You see me as a kid, so you need to tell my mom that I haven't been a good boy?"

"You know what I mean. I think it will be really good for you to go to Doncaster in two days, you need to talk to her. Or your sister."

"Yes because you can't wait to get rid of me." Louis smirks and stands up from the couch without Zayn's help.

"Little one, you know it's not that. I want your own good."

"Don't call me that. He wouldn't want me to leave like you do, you know? He would want me around all the time." Louis shouts nearly in tears.

"Okay Louis." He stands up as well "Whatever you say. I love you okay? Look at me," he cups Louis' cheeks in both his hands "I love you and you don't fucking see it sometimes so start realising that I'm here like I should. Not like you want, because I'm not him, but like you need. I'm Zayn the boy who met you in uni, not when you were seven. And I'm the boy who took care of you when you were hurt."

Louis is boiling, looking mad, narrowing his tired, wet and red eyes. He pulls Zayn's hands away one more time, truly harshly and walks away from the living room to the bedroom.

"Mate, I don't know what's been going on with him, but I'm starting to get worried." Liam says after some seconds with Zayn looking at where Louis disappeared.

"It's not really my place to tell you. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for this moment." Zayn says quietly and sits down back on the couch, bare from the usual pillows and blankets, which remain on the floor.

"I know. But you look down now as well, after this." Liam walks towards his friend and sits next to him. "It's also not my place to ask this, but what's going on? It's been a month and I always tried to play it cool as if Louis' behaviour was normal but... He doesn't get drunk every week at home alone, neither keeps quiet every day because is too tired and sleepy."

"I can't..." Zayn sighs "It's complicate Liam. Louis will hate me if I tell you without his notice, besides, I know you want to help but it won't be with me telling you that you will."

Liam looks down and then takes Zayn's hand in his. Zayn frowns but doesn't pull away the touch. "You don't know... And I might be able to help you. This is bothering both. And you two are my friends. I care for you both and sometimes I want to support you in something but I can't. I want to this time."

Zayn looks at him for a brief moment and then takes his hand away from Liam's. "It's a long story and I honestly can't tell you, like, the details. But Louis is hurt. For a long time now, otherwise what he says. When he was a kid he met a person who started meaning a lot to him. A lot really, Liam. Started to be his life. From his best friend turned to be his lover. You can't understand Louis' love from that person just with me telling you, you should hear him telling you, telling you all those stories and moments. It's beautiful and he was so, so in love. They both were. But that person left him, without a word, without any explanation."

"Left him just like that?" Liam asks astonished and Zayn thinks, that for a moment, while he tells him this, Liam can really believe in the big love Louis felt back then.

"Just like that, after years of being together. Just left him a letter, still with no explanation. It broke Louis completely. And I met that sad Louis, that Louis whose life he thought it had no meaning... Making me thinking, making me want to know who Louis used to be after that lost. He changed through the years and I helped him the best I could. But that Louis is back now and I'm desperate."

"Fuck, don't tell me Zayn." Liam interrupts. "Don't tell me when we went to that café Louis saw... him.

Zayn nods. "He saw him. That's why he ran away. And I brought the guy here and they talked but it was worst Liam, I made it all worst and I know Louis wants his old life back, I know he isn't happy but... Fuck, he is going to kill me." Zayn covers his face with his hands and lowers his back reaching his knees.

"He won't. He knows you just want to help. And I do too."  
Liam says softly.

"No, no... I wasn't supposed to tell you this. Louis never mentioned anything about that guy, to anyone. He told me he doesn't want to let people know about this." Zayn looks at the side at his friend, he shows so much regret that it’s unbelievable. But Zayn has too much on his chest and he needs to talk to someone, he needs to help Louis. "I don't know what to do to help him. He needs to move on, I mean, I thought he had but he clearly hasn't. I tried my best but I don't know now. I can't tell his mother, she would know how to help but he would never forgive me."  _Like he won't if_ _he finds out that_ _I told_ _you,_ he thinks

"Louis can only move on if he has a reasons for it, he can only get better if he wants to. He clearly doesn't and the fact that you brought the guy here it didn't mean you did worst. You didn't. They just really need to talk."

"They did... Well, kind of. Louis just said shit and didn't let him explain apparently. He is mad at him Liam, for so many years... So he throw it all in his face, regretting everything later."

"Well he needed to say those things he kept for this long, at some point. That was good then. Now he needs time to set his ideas so they can talk again, properly this time."

"Well, time isn't a thing Louis appreciates at the moment. And as you can see it is doing no good at him. I don't know what to do now to stop him torturing himself."

"Nothing. You will do nothing. You can't help him this time. Let him torturing himself, he will learn that it doesn't work out so he will try something else. Maybe this time something better that can work out.”

~*~

Louis leaves to Doncaster the next morning, sooner than the expected. But he feels like he doesn't belong anywhere so right now he prefers to feel that way in another place.

He leaves a note on the fridge saying  _left to Doncaster today,_ _think it was better than staying here fucking everything_ _up._ _I'm so sorry for yesterday..._ _And this couple_ _of_ _weeks. You_ _didn't_ _deserve by of it. We_ _talk later_ _though,_ _take care love.xx_

Louis hates leaving without saying goodbye but he knows if he faced Zayn this morning it wouldn't be good. He also had cleaned up the mess Louis made last night, so it just makes Louis feel worst. Zayn would probably say that it was okay so he wouldn't make Louis feel worst and so they didn't fight. But Louis doesn't deserve such kindness, he needs to be slapped in the face.

When he reaches home it's a surprise since he didn't call his mother saying he was coming today.

She greets him with a tight hug and grabs his face with both his hands to look properly at him. She notices  _something,_ but doesn't say anything one more time, because if Louis wants to talk, he will, but with no pressure.

He catches up with Fiona for the afternoon since Carl took Peter to his guitar's class and needed to go to the hospital to do some work.

So it's just him and his mother... And well, Daisy in her lap, in front of the fireplace talking.

"When is Zoe coming now? Tomorrow?" He asks, changing subject about what Fiona needs to do till Thursday, for Christmas Eve.

Louis still hates Christmas. Well, at some point he learnt to love it again, but it soon faded out. Besides, it is just him and his family. At half past midnight, more or less, Carl goes to sleep, Fiona cleans the kitchen and then Louis stays watching the same old and classic Christmas movies with Zoe and Peter, with Daisy warming up their feet till she decides to go by Fiona's side.

It's kinda sad because he still remembers as a kid, to be so excited to go to Manchester to see his grandfather and be with him for Christmas... Then after he died, Harry helped him to like Christmas again (both helped each other on that). Now, there's no excitement in the family.

"Only Tuesday, she wants to catch up with some friends before coming." Fiona answers, taking her mug towards her lips, finishing her tea.

"Only Tuesday? I'm leaving on Friday already."

"Well, stay here more time then, sweetie."

"I can't. I told Zayn I'd go back Friday." His parents live in London so it's only twenty minutes away from their apartment, he is basically living by himself there now and Louis doesn't appreciate leaving him in that place alone for too much time.

"It's a shame. You hardly ever stop here." Fiona says sadly and Daisy jumps from her lap to lay down on Louis' feet. He doesn't pat her like he used to do.

"I know mom, but it's hard. It's like I'm still in uni because I can only come here on breaks." Fiona sighs with his reply.

"Are the Johnson's here?" Louis asks, changing again the topic of conversation.

"No, they went to New York for Christmas and New Year." She chuckles and Louis groans

"Rich people," he jokes "was looking forward to talk with Derek. Is he okay?"

"Yes, found a lovely girlfriend."

"Finally, maybe now he can leave his parent's home."

Just when Fiona is about to say something they hear noises and Louis recognises two familiar voices talking with each other.

"Mom, tell dad about my presentation before Christmas because he can't believe I -" Peter stops his sentence when sees his brother sitting next to their mother. His face lights up, offering a smile at his older brother.

Louis’ lips twist, forming a smile as big as Peter’s. He stands up instantly and opens his arms to hug his little brother. Well, not so little since he’s basically as tall as Louis.  When Louis was sixteen, he was so small, he envies his brother’s stature.

“Mom said you’d only come back tomorrow!” The blue eyed boy says, looking at Louis.

“Yes, well… Surprise buddy!” Louis answers and okay… Zayn was right. Coming home for a bit maybe it’ll be good for him. At least, he feels like smiling and he can’t drink till blacking out with tears in his eyes and anger on his veins.

He can’t show to his family how much of a disappointment he is…

~*~

Louis isn’t going to lie and say that he wasn’t expecting to sleep better this night on _his bed._ Because he was. When he comes back here it always makes him feel better. He always loved this, this room… this life. But no… Right now, this room –this whole place and life –isn’t for him. It seems so wrong to sleep in this bed with such cold sheets –colder than the ones back in London – making his heart turning into ice. It feels so wrong to have the feeling of need to put two big pillows next to him, pressed against his back so he’s close to the cold wall, to make him feel _something_ pressed against him. It’s so wrong to let the blinds from the window closed, because there’s no purpose –there’s no one –to let them open. Besides, he wants the room to be all dark to match his soul, honestly. He is cold and there’s no one to warm him up.

There’s no one to talk to in a whisper till 3am, there’s no one to hear the sound of the rain falling outside with, there’s just Louis and a picture on the bedside table and an old monkey made of fur on his desk that he once received from a souvenir store on a safari. 

This place isn’t good for him – especially right now –because it’s full of memories and things Louis left behind so he could move on. Coming here after what happened back in London, isn’t moving on, is walking backwards.

He stands up from the bed, doesn’t dare to turn on the light –if he falls on the floor, fuck it, the pain is softer than the one he’d feel if he looked around – and walks to the hall. He thinks about going to sleep on his sister’s room but he remembers that the bed is undone, he thinks about going to the couch downstairs, but that one isn’t as comfortable as the one in the flat.

He goes for the final option that is going to Peter’s room. He opens the door and isn’t surprise to see the laptop’s screen light illuminating Peter’s face.

“It’s late.” He whispers and the young boy looks up to see Louis. At first he looks alarmed, probably thinking that it’d be Carl, but when he sees Louis, he smiles.

“Same goes for you.” Louis walks in and lets the door just a little bit opened.

“Insomnia.” He confesses and Peter looks at him in concern. The boy shuts his laptop and puts it on the floor, next to his bed, turning on the lamp.

“That’s weird.” He says but pulls over the sheets and cover, calling for his brother. “Come here then.”

Louis gives him a closed mouth small smile and walks towards him. Peter makes Daisy jump out of the bed so she can get out of the room and just after that Louis steps in, into the covers.

“Something wrong?” Peter asks and Louis just shrugs, both leaving their backs against the headboard. Louis feels warmer now and Peter’s room is nice, he likes the fact that they changed it last year. “There is… there is something wrong.” Peter twists his nose and changes to sit Indian style and turn to Louis’ side. Though, Louis keeps looking forward. “Did you fight with Zayn before coming? That’s why you came home sooner?”

Louis shakes his head as an answer. It’s amazing –or not –that when he feels a bit down everyone concludes that he must have fought with Zayn.

“By the way, how is he? We don’t see him since you two moved out.”

“He is good.” _Better than me, for sure_ , Louis thinks. But he is lying to himself or at least, he is wrong.

Peter nods “Then… what’s wrong? I know I’m not mom, nor Zoe. But I’m your brother and I’m older now…”

Louis looks at him, smiles briefly and then sighs sadly. “Do you ever, like… miss him?”

Peter raises his eyebrow and looks at the older boy confused “Wha –Who? Zayn? I don’t know bro he is –“

“No. Not Zayn… you know who.” And fuck, it makes Louis even sadder to realise that now it’s not Louis and Harry anymore… it’s Louis and Zayn and everyone might think that it’s almost the same thing but hell, it’s not.

“I know who?”

Louis looks down at his lap. “Forget it. You were young, you probably forgot –forgot about him.” _Forgot_ , how can someone even forget about him?

“Youn –Oh.” Peter freezes. “Are you talking about… Oh.” There’s silence and Peter looks up at his shelf and sees those two similar zebras and a picture that thank goodness Louis haven’t looked at it neither realised its existence, because it was taken the day before _he_ left. The prom’s day. “No.” he says then “No, I didn’t forget about him. I think I couldn’t. Kinda miss him as well.” He lays down, taking his hands to the back of his head as a pillow and looks at the ceiling.

Louis notices how he says _as well._

“Can’t believe we’re actually mentioning him. Always admired you for that. I liked Har –“ he stops “Sorry…” he looks up at Louis, meeting his brother’s eyes. “I wanted to remember everything about him and what we used to did. It’s sad that I don’t. But I still miss him and still wished he was here. For your own good. And this family’s good. I realise that everything changed after… after that day. It’s weird how important he was, not only for you but for us.” Peter sighs and Louis looks at him and listens to what he is saying attentively.

“I never told you this Louis and sorry for mentioning it now. But I remember probably more or less a week after that day that I started to hear you crying in your room. I recall it wasn’t the first time I saw or heard you crying, can’t remember really well the reason why from the first time, but I know it was also because of him… but this time was harder and sounded more painful. I wanted to help, like Zoe or mom did, but there was no way.” Louis sees him shutting his eyes “I’m sorry for that. And I’m sorry that you thought you felt the need to show me that you were okay, even if I knew you weren’t. Sorry that it had to be mom explaining to me what happened to him, in your turn. Sorry that I used to mention him to you all the time when I shouldn’t. Sorry about what dad told you back then and how bad it made you feel.”

“Hey…” Louis says gently, trying to make him stop because Peter is apologising for things that haven’t much sense and Louis regrets mentioning this _miss thing_ in the first place now.

“Does it still hurt?” Louis only nods “I’m sorry. But that’s why I always admired you. You’re like my role model, brother.” He chuckles, making Louis smile.

Well, at least he isn’t a disappointment to his brother. “But you shouldn’t want to be like me.”

“Oh but I don’t want to. I just see you as someone I should follow… like, I could never be like you. I could never be as good as you, Louis.” Peter says and wow he isn’t being sarcastic like he usually is. He is saying it with such honesty that his voice changes to a tender tone.

Louis can only smile “I’d hug you if it wasn’t your position. Like, this is just weird.” Louis chuckles

“Don’t let that being a problem.” The boy says and sits down to take Louis to his arms, hugging him strongly “I think you needed this type of hug anyway.” He whispers while Louis hugs him back.

“You need a girlfriend.” Louis jokes then, making Peter laugh loudly, pulling away to cover his mouth then.

Louis shakes his head in amusement, but still feeling good. Yes, he feels better and when they shut the light from the bedside table and lay down under the covers, Louis thinks that he can actually sleep nicely tonight. Because now he knows his brother admires him, he recognises that still has a family who loves him and Zayn who cares for him even after everything, has a good life and… that he isn’t the only one missing Harry.

Missing Harry to the point of till wishing he’d be here. Missing him as if he was still living the first weeks he had to get used to without his presence.

But one more difference from tonight is that, while he used to think that Harry held his hand and afterwards never touched his skin again, making him remember how easily he could leave and how intense he still feels his hands all over his body, knowing that he will never feel them again, so it’s nothing left of him apart from a slowly fading memory… Louis takes advantages of that memory to fall asleep. Because it still makes him smile, makes him warm, makes him feel safe because he has the knowledge that he was once loved like Harry loved him. There’s no better feeling than that one because the nostalgia is nothing compared to that huge and lovely feeling.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » don't know how to feel about this chapter, it's kind of random and maybe too sad? oh well. Peter is cute oKAY oh and he's played by Troye Sivan, i know he isn't 16 but idk i picture him like that 
> 
> what do you think about what Louis told Jonathan? who do you think it is Derek Johnson? what happened with Louis and his father? really curious about what you have to say about these questions and about this chapter (especially about that "fight" with louis and zayn, because what zayn told louis (what zayn has been saying to louis) is really important. 
> 
> I'm really excited for the next chapter so be prepared. 


	8. To be honest

"Hey love." Zayn smiles, he is wearing a red sweater, having his hair brushed in a perfect quiff and looking gorgeous, as fucking always. He is glad that he decided to bring his laptop with him or he wouldn't be able to Skype with Zayn since his sister is doing the same with her boyfriend... for hours... and they aren't even talking, for fifteen minutes now for god's sakes. 

"Hello" Louis answers softly and he almost feels bad for not brushing his hair. "Going out?"

"Yeah, to my family in thirty. Just really wanted to talk to you. Happy birthday!" Zayn grins and wow Louis might not deserve him but still appreciates having a Zayn in his life. A Zayn who he can also care about.

"Thank you, babe." He also almost forgets about their  _figh_ t before he drove to Doncaster. It was a fight, right? Louis was drunk but he remembers. He said some pretty fucked up shit and Zayn just told him what he deserved to hear, in his loud but still gentle tone. Is Zayn even real? Does Louis even deserve him?

"Really wished I could be with you, it's a shame we didn't manage to join our families this year like last one." Zayn says and his voice sounds muffled and the image a bit distorted, which makes Louis remember the bad internet connection they have in the flat. "Hope you are still having a good time."

Louis shrugs as an answer. "It's only Christmas." He says as if he is saying  _it's just a normal day, when apparently it's raining more around here._

 _"_ And your birthday. Talked to Liam today and your party is still up."

"Oh Jesus, I'm expecting everything this year." He chuckles and Zayn takes some more time to answer this time.

"You look better. You actually look good." He grins getting closer to the camera as if that way he can see Louis better.

"I always look good Zayn." Louis smiles a bit. "Sorry though." He sighs and even if he is video chatting with Zayn, it's hard for him to look at his face. "I keep only thinking about myself,"  _and him_ "when I should be thinking about the people around me as well. I treat you like shit sometimes, especially drunk... god sorry for getting drunk so many times this past weeks, messing up the flat and not cleaning it, smoking your pack... And mostly not thanking you as many time as I should."

"No need of that, little one."

"Shut up Zayn, you say it as if it's okay for me not to value your presence in my life."

"But I'm not saying it like that. I'm saying that is okay for you to feel down like this sometimes and it's not your fault. I just wished you didn't feel this way for so long and you would let me help you."

"I let you help me, you know it. And I appreciate it so much."

"I know you do, but letting me help you and listening to what I say to help yourself is two different things. You only do the first one."

"I'm sorry..." Louis says playing with the corners of his laptop. He knows Zayn is right, he knows, he just doesn't feel ready to do anything.

"Don't apologise to me, apologise to yourself." And seriously how can Zayn say this in the most tender tone possible, making Louis want to travel back to London to hug him? "Just think about getting better... Always for yourself, because you deserve it, if you believe in yourself you will be good. I really want to help you but I think this time only you can do it."

Louis nods "I just don't know what to do."

"You will know when the time comes, sounds cliché but it's true."

"Well the time could come quicker.”

"I know love." Zayn says sadly. "Is it staying there making you feel better anyway? To think and stuff?"

"Don't really know... I've been sleeping on Peter's room because for the first time this room doesn't help me at all." Zayn looks surprised and Louis thinks he loses him for some seconds when he seems to freeze "I don't feel sad but..." He stops himself and avoids looking at the camera again.

"You can say it."

"I miss him. Again. Or just... Like always."

"I know." Zayn smiles briefly and even if it wasn't the time for it, Louis smiles back. "I'm so sorry little one but I really need to go. Wished I could stay here talking to you a little longer but my family is waiting." Zayn informs him, honestly upset.

"It's fine. Go on. Say hi for me to your parents and sisters."

"I will. Same there. Really miss you, love." Zayn pouts, making Louis chuckling.

"Ew, stop being this sappy."

"I can't, just love you too much."

"Ugh, you and my brother really need a girlfriend"

Zayn laughs but still says "I already have you, I'm not a cheater."

"Oh shut it."

"I'm sorry," Zayn chuckles "gotta go now then. Bye, love you."

"Bye love, thank you." both wave at each other and after Zayn grinning at his best friend he turns off the call.

What is Louis going to do now?

~*~

Louis is honestly a disaster in giving presents. Everyone thanked him for them but he knows that buying a Christmas jumper to everyone wasn't a really good choice. He saw Zoe's face and he knows she will probably save it in the back of her closet till she moves out, he knows Peter will use it only in those cold nights while he is in bed, his mother will only use it when he will come around and his father when he has nothing to wear when he spends his days at home.

He is fine with it anyway. He ended up receiving a new shirt, chocolates, a beanie and socks... A ritual, really.

He and his siblings start watching their Christmas' movies sooner this year than they did last one (not a good signal though).

Peter is already sleeping with his head on the arm from the couch and Louis just knows that's an uncomfortable position.

"Zoeeeeee," Louis whines slapping his sister in her arm to shut her up. She has been muttering Grinch's quotes since the movie started. She knows it by heart already and Louis can't stand the kinda annoying, feminine voice whispering next to him.

"What? Shut up." She complains, shaking Louis' hand away, not taking her eyes off from the TV screen.

"You are only making me hate this movie even more." He rolls his eyes.

"Well I love this movie so shut it, diva."

Louis sighs loudly. "I can see it... Every year." He whispers shaking his head in annoyance. "This green dude just scares the shit out of me."

"You know now how I feel when I look at you, brotha." She smirks looking at him for a moment only to tease him and looks away again at the screen.

"Oh, doesn't she have great comebacks. When was the last time I heard it? When you were fifteen, right?"

"It never gets old."

"Yeah, otherwise your face." Is his turn to smirk triumphantly while making drum's noises, just to be more dramatic.

"I'm only twenty three you dickhead, you are older. Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? You look like a dead body."

"Ouch."

"Have you been losing weight, by the way?" She asks now more serious.

He shrugs. "Maybe." And his answer doesn't make Zoe that much happy.

"We should put him in bed." She says instead of commenting on it, looking at Peter next to Louis.

"Leave him here so I can have the bed just for myself."

"So nice of you." She says wryly and Louis is imagining the moving being forgotten,  _thank you very much, Santa._ "Though, I'm not getting. Is something wrong with your room?" Louis wants to say that it's not his room anymore, but then... Where his room is? This one used to feel warmer than the one back in London, but he just doesn't know anymore.

"No." He shakes his head along the answer.

"Then why aren't you sleeping there?" She asks and ah fuck, Louis realises that he hasn't talked to her about serious things since they saw each other. They have just been playing around, but they always have to have a serious conversation about how life is going for both of them when they visit Doncaster and see each other (or even on skype).

Might include too much of the  _how are you doing, Louis?_  Kind of questions and he can add it to the  _are you happy, son?_ Kind, which makes him think that he is a little bit too fragile, a little bit too weak and just... Just so little that if it wasn't for those questions or these people around him would be nothing. He became such a different adult from the teenage boy he was, it's unreal...

"Just can't do it." Zoe rolls her eyes with the answer, but turns her whole attention to him.

"What's wrong?" she asks and they can speak as loud as they want because Peter sleeps like a rock and if he doesn't wake up with his own snores then he won't with them talking.

"Well, I haven't told mom... Only Zayn knows it because well... He lives with me and he is kinda involved in this situation now."

"Oh god, don't tell me that he got you pregnant!" Zoe interrupts saying in a more serious tone than she should.

"What?!" Louis grimaces "Geez, Z." He pushes her by her shoulder while she tries stopping laughing now. "Please, it's serious what I'm about to say."

"Sorry, sorry." She chuckles but then looks at Louis' serious face and well, he would be laughing as well in other circumstances. "Oh, wow... Say it then." 

"Well Zoe I..." He sighs. “I saw Harry." And says easily. Easier than he expected.

"What?" She asks confused but still shocked and so loud that makes Peter jump in his sleep.

"I-I saw Harry. And please before asking something let me talk first." he continues weakily "He is okay, yes." And all right Louis is going to talk about Harry and controlling himself. "I think he is living in London as well because I found him working on a café... The first moment I saw him I... I couldn't imagine and went in shock. I ran away but Zayn brought him to our flat a few days later. So we talked. I mean... No, I talked. I didn't let him speak."  _And why the hell did I do that?_

 _"_ What the fuck?" Zoe says first. "Okay what the actual fuck Louis. I'm shocked. I'm... Okay wait." She stops and looks at the wall as if there was a piece of art ready to be appreciated. "All right. That's bloody amazing Louis." She now looks fuller of life at Louis. "You saw him you know where he is. Okay, fuck, Harry." She grins "Harry, Louis, Harry." She laughs "You saw Harry. That's what you wanted. Oh my god, that's what we all wanted."

"No Zoe, it's all over."

She grimaces. She actually grimaces. "What are you saying?"

"I felt mad, even though I think what I did was stupid, but I couldn't hear him. Zoe, can you imagine how I felt? After all these years seeing him in front of me so different and... God, just alive and not looking like the same person I remembered him to be. I freaked out and said a bunch of shit making him going away. I've been feeling dead for a month, I can't believe I can be such a child and react this way."

"You are a freaking idiot, that's what you are Louis." She days seriously and Louis looks at her seriously. "I mean, you see him, and what the fuck. He went there to talk to you, you don't let him explain and tell him to go away and still feel dead for... A damn month?" She asks perplexed and Louis doesn't answer. Does he really need?

She rubs her temples before continuing. "Stop lying yourself, stop making things harder for you, stop crying, stop making a storm in a glass of water because you saw him Louis... Might have taken years, but you did. You clearly missed and  _miss him_ , you care because this whole thing shattered you but you, better than us, know how it really felt to live without his presence. You know he has an explanation for all of this, it wasn't his fault. And now that you saw him you simply tell me that it's all over? That you didn't give him a chance? Are you even trying or are you just being eaten by that fear? You're twenty five, for god's sakes, do I need to slap you so you can see life again?"

~*~

Zoe slapped him. And slapped him hard. So it's the twenty seventh of December and he is outside of that, now, familiar café, back in London and he is looking inside, this he pretends to be for more than two minutes. He also pretends to get inside because it sure as hell is going to rain soon.

He gives one step and another and another and he is there. He isn't here to drink coffee, eat one of those delicious pastries or have those huge and amazing breakfasts. No. He is here to do everything except the usual people do in a coffee shop.

He looks around and stops in the counter. His heart isn't even on his chest anymore so there's no need to say that is beating fast.

He isn't here because he is afraid that Zoe will slap him hard again, he isn't here because he disappointed everyone by his behaviour and how broken he got, he isn't here because Zayn wants him okay... He realises that he is here for himself. He deserves an explanation and Harry deserves a chance to be heard.

Hell, at the end Louis just really wants to see Harry again and this time talk like normal old friends would.  _Friends._

He still isn't seeing Harry and he just imagines the moment when he appears from outside ready to work, or runs in from one of the doors with a smile on his sculpted face and looking fresh and nice and just like a man.

Stella, if he recalls well her name, is serving some clients from the tables, while another girl writes down the orders. The blonde guy that Louis usually sees talking with Harry is now walking out from the little space he has to play his guitar and sing (he is really good and he hopes one day he can hear him properly).

He keeps looking around, though, he isn't here to pay attention to those insignificant details.

"Hello, can I help you with anything?" Louis almost jumps with the voice coming from his side. He was doing good, ignoring the guy from the balcony so he doesn't seem like he wants to ask something and just keeping looking at some corner from the place so he seems like he is busy, maybe waiting for someone. It doesn't work apparently.

"Erm, sorry, no I'm fine." He says facing the person. And oh, it's the blonde guy, whose voice sounds like an angel and plays like a professional. And god dammit do this people really need to have more beautiful blue eyes than him? Is this some sort of competition?

"You look kind of lost. Do you need help with your order or something?" And why does he have to have an Irish accent, which screams  _I'm really nice and friendly._

"No I'm, erm, waiting for someone." Also known as  _please go away because I'm so nervous that I'm about to puke and you are making_ _it_ _all worst._

"Oh, sorry," he says passing his guitar to the other hand. "Look, I don't want to sound creepy or anything," he chuckles "but I think I've seen you somewhere..." He says looking curiously and attentively at Louis' face.

"Perhaps in the street man, or here, because I think it's the first time I see you." He laughs nervously because maybe that's a little lie and oh god, his stomach is jumping inside of him, he is sure of it.

"Maybe..." He says not really convinced.

"You work here, right?" Louis asks because he feels like if he doesn't see Harry in the next minute he will run away because the courage is fading and his body can't handle this moment.

"Singing and stuff, I work in a music shop more precisely this is like my second job, second house." He laughs and Louis can't stop but notice with this small conversation that this guy here is so happy and feels enthusiastic with every moment of his life - and maybe he also saw that while he walked over and would see him with Harry.

"Right, that's good." He says and it's not awkward or anything. "I'm looking for a boy with curly hair, he works here..."

"Curly hair?" And fuck yes Harry's hair isn't as curly as it used to be so maybe that's not a good adjective to use.

"Okay not that curly, erm, he has green eyes and is like tall and -"

"Harry." He interrupts and Louis can't make himself think that it's wrong listening to somebody else - a stranger - saying his name. "I got it with the curly hair, it just... Yeah, right, Harry..." Louis is about to kill this Irish lad. Killing him or puking all over him, and neither of the two are a good thing so. "He is inside doing experiments, I think" he laughs again. "It's him who you are waiting for?" He raises his eyebrow

"I..." And what is Louis going to say?

He is truly thinking about giving up and just say  _forget it,_ not only to the young boy in front of him but to himself as well but maybe he should start believing a bit more in fate because in that moment Harry walks in, coming from a door behind the balcony, wearing an apron on top of his work uniform, all brown and green.

The world stops again for Louis but this time it's short and he doesn't allow himself to look too much at the man he once knew so well. They still lock their eyes in the air and maybe there is a little spark between their gazes, which both decide to ignore.

Harry puts something he was holding on the counter and surprisingly keeps staring at Louis. He takes a deep breath and walks a bit closer so they are now in front of each other, with only the balcony dividing them so they can't touch. Louis forgets about the unnamed blonde guy and about the people around as well.

"Lo -"

"Hi," Louis says first and god he still can't look properly at him because even if he spent days looking at the green eyed man from a window (because Louis was always the creepy kind) he still doesn't know him, still feels uncomfortable looking at him while wanting to see somebody else maybe. "I want to talk... I mean, if you want to as well. This time both actually talking, properly." He continues weakly. "If that's okay."

Harry keeps in silence for some seconds as if he is using them to admire the man in front of him "Hi." He says and  _Louis,_ _look up,_ _he is smiling at you._  Even if it's a tiny smile, Louis shouldn't be missing it out. "Of course I want to." So calm. He sounds and is acting so calmly and relaxed it just makes Louis change is target from the guy who looks like an angel to Harry, to purge. "Just... I'm working right now. My shift only ends in an hour."

"That's fine. I will just wait here." Because he knows if he leaves that door now he is just going to give up and  _runaway_ as always.

"Really?" Harry asks and Louis wants to get used to this voice so badly because it is just sounds so... So right and husky it makes him shiver. "That's wonderful." He smiles a little. "Do you want me to bring you something to your table? A coffee, tea, maybe –“ 

"No," he interrupts quickly. "I'll be here waiting." He says and offering him a glance he walks to an available table next to the window.

And Louis waits, he doesn't even tries to kill time with his phone, playing some game or something, because this has free Wi-Fi, it's like a signal from God that Louis doesn't want to receive right now.

When Harry walks past him when goes taking the orders to the tables, he makes sure to look at Louis, but he doesn't even notice it because when he saw the blonde guy going talking to Harry in such a familiar way, making Harry's eyes glow, Louis gave up on looking back at him.

At six Harry disappears and Louis almost doesn't notice. He was just looking out of the window at the sad sky, perhaps to calm himself. He is in the same room as Harry, breathing the same air and anything is stopping or preventing him to have  _a touch._ But it still seems impossible.

Someone coughs and Louis raises his head, looking away from the window to the person standing next to his table.

"I'm ready, if you are." Harry says and no, Louis isn't ready, four years and a half weren't enough apparently. He just wasn't hopping for anything.

Harry is again with those clothes that Louis doesn't recall him to have. Those clothes that aren't Louis' or aren't being shared with him. His hair isn't that usual mess, is just nicely brushed with a few curls at the end.

And Louis is just staring at him, finally appreciating his features, not from far away, not from a picture or a video and not with his blood boiling in his veins and just wishing that boy to disappear from his sight, because right now he wants him there.

Harry tensely adjusts his long winter coat and shoves his hands to his pockets, feeling uncomfortable with those eyes on him.

"Are you? Ready I mean." He decides to ask and it's his time not to look at Louis. Is he nervous? Finally.

Louis clears his throat "Sort of." He stands up, putting his beanie on again. He nods and makes signal for Harry to start walking.  
Harry follows him, but none of them really knows their destiny.

There are so many people on the street, so different, with so many bizarre hair colours, with different ways of dressing, some of them don't even look like they feel cold like Louis... He could be easily distracted by them, observing them with interest like he usually does. But he doesn't. He is walking with Harry next to him _._ _Harry Styles._

It's just awkward because no one would say they were supposedly walking together because they look like normal people mixed in the crowd. Strangers.

And they actually are strangers. Technically.

"Louis." Harry calls him and Louis stops, in the middle of the path and looks back where Harry is two steps away from him. People walk past by them but they aren't really there at the moment for the two men. "Where do you want to go? I mean, we are just walking..."

"And don't you want to?"

"I thought you wanted to talk..." He answers and it's almost impossible for Louis to understand.

 _And I do want to_ _talk, but first I want to spend time with you_ , Louis thinks but doesn't say a word.

"We can walk to my car and I can drive us somewhere. Wherever you want to."  _Since when do you drive and own a car?_ "Or do you have your own car parked?"

He shakes his head and walks towards Harry. The younger man gets it as starting walking to his car, parked somewhere, and he just hopes his guess is correct.

They drive all the way back and stop on a small parking lot closer the place Harry works. The car isn't like Louis expected. I mean, his family is rich and looking at the green small car in front of him makes him think that maybe they are broke now. It's not probable but he needs to guess things before knowing the truth.

Harry opens it and gets in on the driver seat after making signal to Louis do the same on the passenger seat.

It's weird being sat there, now in such a small space where it doesn't even smell like Harry. It smells nice, but not like Harry. More like those air fresheners for cars.

Harry puts the keys and gets ready to start the car when Louis raises his hands and is about to put his above Harry's to stop him. He stops midway and his sentence is cut as well. Harry notices though and stops, looking at him.

Louis pulls his hand away and rests it on his lap. He knows he can’t touch Harry. Not yet. Maybe not ever. "Let's just stay here." Because he needs to talk now or he will open this door and walk away.

He opens the window a bit for air and inspects the door in case he needs to escape.

"Okay." Harry says and at least Louis can still recognise when he is uncomfortable.

Both take a deep breath and Louis clenches his fists looking forward. "How are you?" And asks and it's actually pathetic but needed. Because Louis truly wants to know the honest answer for this.

"I am... Good?"

"No," he looks at the side, at Harry, being faced with a confused expression. "I want us to be honest here. I don't care if this is not important for you, it is for me and I need this conversation to feel okay with life. You get it? So please, honest and secure answers only." And wow Louis feels confident out of sudden.

Harry nods. "If you want me to be honest with you then I need to say that this is important for me too." He says, and Harry doesn't look calm and his tone doesn't sound like those last times, it sounds pretty serious.

Louis can't say he doesn't believe in it. Or can he?

"And I am okay. I mean, apart from the fact that I spent this last month knowing you are closer than I expected and we didn't have a nice talk like I intended to. I was okay."  _Was._

Louis looks down and shuts his eyes for some seconds. "You expected me to react well by seeing you?"

"No, but sure didn't expect what happened. I though you would let me speak at least once… to be heard." Louis nods instead of speaking. If that he would be losing his temper and shouting again, because he'd say how mad he was that time. "I wanted to talk to you, nicely. I wanted to hear your questions and ask another ones. That's why I was trying to keep calm."

"I needed to let out those things, I needed to say it."

"I understand."  _No you don't._ "But I wanted to explain myself and say what I wanted to say."

"Okay, you have your chance now, I will hear you." Louis says, looking at his lap and sometimes changing to look forward.

"I own you an apology and I know you don't want to hear it,"  _you are right,_ _I don't._ "but I need to. I'm so sorry, Louis."

"You are sorry for what, more precisely?" He asks trying to sound strict but kinda failing it when sounds weak after deciding to look at the green eyed guy.

"For..." There's a pause. "For leaving." Louis nods and presses his lips tightly. Harry is showing emotions and at least he can make Louis understand how painful it is to say this out loud.

It's been years but this is still so important.

There are so many things Louis wants to ask but he would need too much time to sort his ideas. "Okay..." He repeats. "Why?"

"Wh-why, what?" He stutters

"Why didn't you say goodbye? You did know you were leaving didn't you?" Harry nods as an answer.

"I couldn't say goodbye. I was just being selfish. I didn't want to tell you I was going to leave, see your face while I was telling you, saying goodbye would be the worst thing, I didn't see myself doing it. I couldn't imagine us saying goodbye, without knowing when we were going to see each other again. If we could even talk to each other again."

"So it was easier leaving that way?" Louis asks wryly and he almost wants to laugh.

"It wasn't, believe me, but at least I didn't see how... How you looked knowing I was gone."

"You're an asshole." Louis wasn't supposed to say this out loud but he is just being honest. And apparently Harry agrees because he nods.

"I was. I was a big asshole, that's why I never allowed myself to feel pity, because I deserved everything,"  _you didn't_ "I could have done things differently but I was only thinking about myself."

"When? Or since when?"

And this time Harry understand and answers it as if he was having an interview. "Long time. When we came back from those vacations in Liverpool, remember?"  _How could I ever_ _forget?_ _I remember everything._ _Especially that. "_ When my parents... Saw us."

"You said they were okay with everything now. You kept lying to me? Was that it? You said everything was okay!" He almost shouts but no, he breathes, smelling the air from the car, and keeps his hands on the side of his thighs.

"I lied a lot Louis, after that day I just... I wasn't okay and every time I was away from you were moments I was wasting."  _That’s why he called saying he missed me._

"I can't believe this." He takes his hands to his hair. "So you just moved to here with your parents? Just like that? Because they found out you were gay?"

"No!" He says somehow perplexed and something tells Louis that is by the mention of his parents. "We moved to America."

"Oh my god. Please explain to me everything, I mean, everything." 

And is Harry's turn to nod.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » I didn't want to end this here but it would take me too long to write the rest and wanted to update now. So big development next chapter (and this, sort of) so expect big things. I just want to say that I appreciate ALL the comments , since good to the ones that can help me to improve my story, i don't get mad, only if you're rude but no one has been so it's fine! also, im sorry if it took me too long to develop the story , so louis could stop crying for life and go talk to harry but i wanted to make things slow on purpose. i didnt mean to make things kinda boring but i had planned everything this way and well, this is my way to write.  
> anyway, questions:  
> what can you say about the reason why harry left with this? what do you expect it is his life now? who is the blonde guy for harry?


	9. New memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist: 
> 
> Photograph by Ed Sheeran 
> 
> Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer 
> 
> This Moment Now by Tyrone Wells 
> 
> Home by Ellie Goulding

"Lou…”

“Harry…”

“I really loved this week you know?”

“I know.” Louis smiles back at his best friend, whose hand is rested above his thigh and his sparkling green eyes don’t leave his face. “I did too.”

“I love you.” Louis knows he’s saying this three words not to speak the two ones.  _Thank you._ It’s an achievement

“I love you too.”

“Kiss me.”

And Louis is still alive when they kiss.

Lips brushing in a lovable gesture, slowly and hands tangling in each other.

When Louis pulls away Harry kind of dies.

Louis probably does too. Harry stops breathing when sees Sarah and David outside the car, looking at them in both disgusts and anger.

It's just all too much in that moment, everything seems to stop. Or that or everything is going in slow motion.

Both boys look at the window, at those two people afraid of everything. Afraid of what is going to happen.

“When we get out of the car don’t say a word and go home.” Harry says, voice so firm that no one would say that his heart is beating fast on his chest and he is fearing life at the moment. He also doesn't look at Louis, who is looking at him with mouth semi open in both shock and anxiety.

Louis doesn't protest about it, doesn't even say a word and Harry is glad of it because he isn't sure how he would react.

Harry opens the door and Louis follows his movements, slow movements. Both are outside now and they shut the door at the same time. Harry shoots a glance at his best friend and Louis looks down, facing his back at the curly haired boy and walking away to his house.

Harry keeps looking confident because he knows what he should not show his parents. He walks past by them without a word, not looking at the familiar disappointment in their faces. They look so mad and in such disgust that Harry thinks they are sick and will puke at any moment.

He opens the front door of his house to get in and he doesn't know what he should do. Wait here to listen to the usual shouts or go hide upstairs and call Louis right away. Thought this time everything is different and he didn't notice his parents following him.

The door is shut hardly almost causing echo with the loud noise. Harry jumps a little with the surprise and when he is about to turn around to face the two people he fears the most, his father does it for himself.

His strong hands grip Harry's shoulder and turn him around. The palm of his hand meets Harry's cheek hard. It hurts so much that makes Harry's head turn to the side and his eyes start watering.

Sarah doesn't say a word like she usually does when David slaps Harry. Harry can even feel her clapping mentally.

"What was that shit? Who gave you the right? Who do you think you are?" And so many questions... So many stupid questions come from David that almost makes young Harry laugh because he knows he won't answer them and knows his father doesn't know what to say so he is just gaining time to think.

Harry thinks about answering him actually. Saying  _I was just kissing Louis._ But that would only offer him another slap and his father pushing him towards the wall.

"You went away with that stupid kid didn't you? You ran away with him to god knows where and god knows to do what." And Harry only wants to tell David everything he did with Louis but he keeps quiet looking at the mad man, with veins coming out of his neck and eyes showing anger.

"We told you not to see him. To stay here but you can't do shit. You don't listen to us and now... He made you become a... a faggot. You stupid kid. You monster." Harry takes a step back he wants to puke all over this awful human being who he once used to call  _father._

"David!" Sarah speaks loudly and takes a step forward. The man looks back at her and Harry keeps holding himself knowing that a lot will come but at the end it will be over.

"What woman? Shut up now will you? You see what he became? I can't allow this. Do you have better things to say? Do you want to teach him a lesson? You couldn't even raise him properly."

"Oh, and you could David. I'm sure you did raise him well." She replies wryly.

 _"_ You gave him birth, your problem." Harry wonders if they know he is still in the room.

They sure do.

"He is your son as well."

"He is not my god damn soon, this thing isn't my son." He points at Harry still looking at Sarah.

And Harry keeps holding himself. Saying  _think about good things,_ _think about Louis and how he makes you feel just do not cry._

"Well otherwise you I wasn't involved with other people. So I'm sure he is as yours as he is mine." She gets closer to him. "Do you think I'm happy with him? With all of this?" She points around "But he was born and is our son."

"Stop saying that." David shouts and Harry clenches his fists, he is out of breathe. It's always the same. Arguments with him makes them too shout at each other but he is always the one being hurt the most.

"Stop!" And Harry shouts, his eyes shut and his chest going up and down quickly. "If you don't want me then just let me go and stop this, because, surprise, I don't you two as well. I want to get free of you. Why do you even care if I'm here, care about what I do if you don't and never wanted me." He says out loud and well, he never said it before but it was needed anyway. What's the worst it can happen?

"Listen boy," David gets closer to him again and even if Harry keeps giving steps backwards the man follows him till he is pressed with his back against the wall. "You live under my roof, I pay for your shit, you keep annoying me since baby the least you can do is be grateful to us for not abandoning you in the street to death," he says cruelly "did you thank me? You didn't. You disrespect me and now made me see that disgusting scene. What will people think? I'm a respected man here and in my company and you are just thinking about yourself." He doesn't shout this time but is harsh and he spits this words in such a way that make it go deep into Harry's wounds. He points his finger at Harry's chest and it's not in the friendliest way.

"I did nothing to you." But he did, he was born, and Harry knows, it shatters him.

"You did. You did and you need to put in that empty head of yours that you do what we tell you to do. We give you a good education but you keep throwing it as if it was nothing. The money we gain goes also for you but you are an ungrateful little shit." He yells but Harry keeps still, listening to those familiar words. It still affects him but everyone would say the otherwise. He tries to block them out but they are too loud.

"What we just witnessed is just another reason for us to be sure that the best is just move out."  _What?_ David smirks and it's evil. "You heard it? In a year, after you finish high school, that honestly I don't know why we put you there in the first place, we are going to move out."

"What?" Harry asks perplexed he just didn't hear this.

David keeps smiling, he knows what he is doing. Harry worried face says it all. "You've got till graduation. We are moving to America and you are coming with us, obviously. Our company is extending and you are going to a nice university, they will pay for it so you better not complain about it. You are going to be away from that... That kid, it's going to be the best for you."

"No." Harry shakes his head. "No!" He shouts.

"You don't have to want it, I told you, you do what I say to do, end of discussion."

"No, this is not the end of the discussion. You can't do this to me. I'm not going. I'm staying, I won't leave him. No," his voice breaks and he is hitting his limit...

"Harry, shut up." It's Sarah's turn to speak loudly. "This is the best for this family, you are leaving this place, we are leaving. And don't try anything, or we make our best to leave in a month."

"What family?!" Harry shouts

"Don't you dare to speak that way to me." Sarah protests and Harry sees the look David is giving to him, but he ignores.

"What family?" He repeats. "We aren't a family. I'm not going, I'm staying. You can't do this, I'm eighteen, all you do is upset me. I know you two hate me but I'm begging to stay. You can't make me leave here. I'll run away, I swear, you can't do this. You will ruin me." Harry feels his eyes burning and the tears are threatening to fall, he can't stop them, he is too weak for that. To have control.

It’s Sarah's turn to slap him. Harry bites his lip and sees the disapproval look she gives him, it didn't even hurt this time. His head and chest hurts too much already. Those words... Those words broke him. Anything will hurt more.

"You won't run away, you will only do what we tell you to do. You are going and don't you dare to speak to me that way ever again. I won't allow you to treat me like your father does." Her voice is like stepping into broken glass, but it still doesn't hurt Harry, though, it doesn't stop him from bleeding.

"You need to let me see him from now on." Is the only thing he says, his mother gives him a look but turns his back at him to walk upstairs. "You need to let me." Harry is crying now, he is crying and he has been keeping them for so long while he is in front of his parents, for so many years and now... Now he was weak.

David is literally mocking him, there's no other reason why he is smirking and almost laughing at Harry, that way. "You are anything but man." He spits. "Try to think about the way you are telling the news to your little friend instead." the man shakes his head and walks away from the hall.

Harry is left alone.

The tears burn his cheek and it's like he is seeing his whole life passing in front of him.

In a year there won't be more Harry and Louis. Harry won't have his anchor, won't have the only person who loved him truly, who accepted him, supported him, made him a better person... There won't be more  _calling Louis when he is feeling down_ , he will be alone. He won't feel Louis next to him, he won't be able to breathe anymore.

Life is pranking him and it went badly because he is dying. Slowly he will be dying because they are taking him away from his Louis.

He has a year to think about the way he won't tell Louis about this.

-

"Two years and a half later I found out that one of the other reasons why we moved out was because my father was still cheating on my mom. And he did it again in America. They finally got divorced and I think I saw it as my opened door for freedom. I ran away. I grabbed as much money as I could and flew out to here. Starting from the zero, the only thing I could afford was T1. I paid only half of it at first, got that job on the café and spent two months eating what I could bring from there. I had nothing and once again no one. I was alone but I had so much luck Louis." He says and while Louis is shocked, astonished looking at him, Harry is smiling.

"I had so much luck because I could be living in the streets but I own a small flat, even though it has only a bathroom and a living room with a fridge and a mattress on the floor. I got a job and that job made me discover myself. I was forced to interact with someone different every day and I met new people. I made at least two good friends Louis."

"Harry..." Louis was sure that Harry was always the brave one. He was... But now, he sees this grown up man, who passed for so much to survive, who had to handle things behind Louis back, far away from Louis, that he could never imagine it. Harry is free now and he doesn't seem sad, he seems completed as always. He has a glow in his eyes that even when he was with Louis he didn't own it. That's the difference about Louis. He lost every glow he ever had.

"Louis I don't want you to think that it was easy. I don't want you to think that leaving Doncaster without saying a word was something I though once and found it the right choice. It wasn't and God Louis I cried so much... I cried when I knew I was leaving, I cried when I lied to you saying that everything was okay, I cried when we made another promise that it was meant to break, I cried when the day got closer, cried when I left that letter on your mail box, cried while leaving and kept crying a year later. I completely let myself down, destroyed myself because I was living a world without you. A new, sad and dark world when the demons and voices came back to torment me. I wanted to kill myself..."

"No..."

"Yes, Louis, I wasn't living. And I recognised the mistake I did and day after day I started believing more about what my parents shouted at me." Louis feels so fragile right now, he wants Harry to start crying so he can have an excuse to start himself.

All these years he was pitying himself, crying every night, shutting himself down from everyone and thinking about how bad he was feeling... Maybe he never considered enough how Harry was feeling because of course he was worst. Louis was so selfish but he is listening to how so on the edge of the cliff Harry was living in a way that can only make Louis think about how proud he should be feeling of this half stranger.

 _Half stranger,_ is a good word to describe Harry right now. He is letting Louis know what happened to him, what his life became without him. He is offering him the sky and Louis needs to give him the clouds and the sun in some way.

"But I grew up. Years passed and when I moved out to here I wanted to become another person, be a better one at least. I needed to get better and stop torturing myself with bad thoughts and with those voices and visions. I didn't have my parents to put myself down. I needed to do this by myself and that's when I realised that previously I wasn't doing it alone, you were doing it for myself. You didn't only picked me up so I could keep walking, you literally carried me."

"That wasn't going to happen this time." He continues and Louis realises that Harry is explaining him and answering at his questions all at once without Louis saying a word. "Half a year after stabilising myself here I started to see a shrink. Ironic because I wanted to become one and I knew I couldn't because I didn't even finish college." He sighs. "Talking with a person after all those years, I don't know, it felt weird at first, because it wasn't you. But it made me feel better after a while. I talked to him about you as well and made me see how much I needed you and he recognised it too but life was just as it was."

"I now blame my parents about what they did to me and my life more than just myself. I think i don't hate myself that much now because I see life as hope. I can talk to people now, I can be happier here and Louis yes, I though and think about you every day, because you were a big part of me, but in a much healthier way now."

“I’m still depressed though, but how depressed I am varies, which is good. Much of the time, it’s a comfortable numbness that just makes things feel muted. Other times, I’m standing in the shower or something and I can feel the nothingness hurtling towards me at eight thousand miles per hour and there’s nothing I can really do aside from let it happen and wait until it goes away again. But it's mostly when I'm alone because everything gets louder in the silence, but it gets better. Always gets. Through these years I made myself wonder, while tracing the tiny scars on my wrists, who I was, who I am and why I did this to myself, hurt myself so much in all ways possible, because when I was five a simple bruise was the end of the world... It didn't make sense." He takes a deep breath and the way he raises his hand and moves it closer to Louis' makes him think that he is finally going to have  _a tou_ ch but then Harry pulls away like Louis did previously and rests it on his lap again.

"Our bodies are our cages, we are our only protectors, we need to take care of ourselves and our happiness are in the hands of the one we see in front of the mirror. I learnt this in the worst way, Louis but it was so good the day everything just became so much brighter. I hope your world is as bright as mine, I hope you learn this in a better way than me." Harry finishes and Louis needs a moment. He actually ponders about getting out of the car to breathe. But he wants to keep listening to Harry and he doesn't want to tell Harry how a different person he became, but in a bad way. Not like him, who became an angel, someone who Louis admires so much and just met hours ago.

"Wow," so he says, out of breathe even if he wasn't the one who talked nonstop. "Harry, I -"

"Louis, I'm sorry. I don't really know if this is what you wanted to hear I just... My shrink said that this is what I needed to say. Apologise and explain this to you to forgive myself. The rest was just what I wanted to tell you, I don't know it just makes me a bigger asshole or -"

"I admire you so much," Louis interrupts him and those blue eyes better keep in those green ones. They missed each other. "I always did and always will. And after this... I hoped you could be feeling better than me and Harry you are. You are doing so much better, you did so much better and while I became so broken you built yourself and that only makes me feel better."

"Louis, I'm so sorry for what I did to you -"

"No. No please, I... I forgive you, I mean I really want to. You are just such..." He pauses and looks at his lap "You aren't the same kid I met and wanted to spend my life with, you became a better person for yourself and not for somebody else. That's amazing, all right? You freed yourself and I still think you are so brave even though..." He stops.

"Even though you don't know me" Harry says and somehow, sadly. Louis nods slowly, keeping his lips pressed tightly together.

"Yes. I don't know you anymore. Look at you Harry you do not only grew up so much, you look so older and different but you also changed on the inside and... I wasn't present in special moments in your life, like you weren't in mines. We didn't see each other growing up. We lost so much from each other, we changed a lot..." Harry nods in agreement and it's so overwhelming for Louis to say this out loud. At  _him_.  

But they look at each other and it's all in a blink of an eye because Louis is just laughing a bit making Harry chuckling looking at him that way. "I'm sorry... This is just... I don't really want to laugh, I feel more like crying" he says but keeps laughing and Harry grins looking at him. "But it's just so weird... You are here, fucking hell." He sighs and pulls his hair back. There still might be some things unsaid here but he thinks he can't do it anymore for now.

"And you are here Louis..." Harry says softly. "Can we start over?" He asks suddenly then.

"What?"

"Can we just be strangers again? Let’s put a blindfold above our eyes. Let me introduce myself, please. We can talk and laugh and relearn what we already know and what we don't know. We can come up with new inside jokes and create new memories and just... Give each other a second chance." Harry completes calmly and trying his best to understand Louis' expression. 

Louis extends his hand and Harry looks at it and then looks at his face again. "I'm Louis, twenty five and love having breakfast, nice to meet you." Harry dimple pops out and maybe, for the first time, it says a proper  _hi t_ o Louis. A  _hi,_ _I missed you._

"I'm Harry, twenty four and has an interest in flowers." He shakes Louis hand, tightly. And  _woah_ , there it is... A touch. It's still small and feels like nothing but it's actually something. They know the other is actually real and he won't fade away. "Really nice to meet you too." He keeps smiling and Louis thinks he hasn't smiled this way for a long time... Maybe it's because he is showing half of the smile he only used for Harry, in times, and it's been years since he used it.

Louis feels his phone buzzing in his pocket and he drops Harry's hand to see it. "Sorry, let me just..." He says losing himself when unlocks the screen and sees a message from Zayn.

 _Where are you?_ He reads and quickly writes a reply saying,  _on my way to the_ _flat,_ _don't worry._

"I need to get to my flat now." Louis says not really adding any more details. He feels like Harry has so many questions to ask but he truly think it's enough for today. "It was just too much for me to process." He sighs and Harry nods one more time and when Louis is about to open the door Harry's voice stops him to.

"I can drive you home."

Louis looks at him. "You don't need to." And he just really wants to say  _don't fucking call that place home,_ _especially you_.

"I know I don't. But I want to. If you let me, of course." Harry says honestly.

"Okay." He answers and gets comfy on his seat for the drive.

Harry gives him a small smile and turns the car on. The radio starts playing and Louis takes note that Harry doesn't listen to a mix, he listens to the same radio station Liam does but doesn’t seem enjoying the song when it’s pop.

He also isn't the subtlest about staring at Harry and even if the younger man notices it, he doesn't comment on it. No one can blame Louis he is just trying to get used to this person, not sure if he will ever do it, but he wants to get to know his new habits and body language.

They don't say a word for the whole way, only when Louis starts telling him the directions to his flat but he soon notices that Harry memorised it when Zayn drove him there, even though he doesn’t tell Louis so he can keep talking.

"It's this one, right?" He asks then stopping in front of the big building.

"Yes, thank you for the ride." Louis says and it's kind of awkward... Okay is definitely awkward now.

"No problem."

There's more silence and Louis asks himself five times if this is the time he says  _goodbye,_ _see you soon_ and open the door. He doesn't really want to leave Harry because this time they talked, he apologised and wow he knows the reason why Harry left and the reason why behind the way he did it and everything is still fresh, it's still not in place for Louis. He wants to talk more but he knows he can’t, he needs time. An hour, two, five, seven, a day alone. He doesn't know. But he needs some.

"Is it too bad if I ask for your phone number?" Louis asks and he almost doesn't recognise his own voice. "I mean, it's just that I think we still have a lot to talk, I don't know... And Jesus," he sighs loudly, part of him chuckling the other just falling apart. How can he say  _so we can start talking more and meet so we can go from strangers to friends without_ _it sounding bad for both?_

"Yes I can give you." Harry interrupts him, again, so calmly. At least now Louis doesn't need to humiliate himself and mess up with everything.

And they exchange numbers like someone would do with his colleague from work, it's so bizarre and Louis feels some type of way when writes  _harry styles,_ while saving the number, knowing that once he did the same with the same person, just that he looked differently, it had another meaning and obviously the name wasn't  _harry_ _styles_ much less just  _harry._

"Okay, I hope we get to ta -talk soon." Louis stutters and what the hell is he saying?! But Harry nods anyway. "Goodbye!" He finishes and not really knowing how to end this  _torture,_ he opens the car to get out.

He shuts it and only realises he is shaking from head to toe when starts walking away to the entrance from the building. He is trying his best to steady his breathing because his whole body and mind are out of control. What just happened wasn't something Louis expected to happen, ever. Not even a month ago, not even four hours ago. He reached a point on his life that there was no hope but damn, it happened.

And Harry... Harry just has so much hope in his life now.

"Louis!" He hears and he truly is having some kind of break down again, not knowing if this time is because something big happened, something good, something unexpected... But he is not breathing quiet well, but Harry just opened the door from his car to get out and called for Louis.

He needs to turn away.

So he does and Harry is a bit closer than he expected.

"Just come here a second please." He says with his arms opened and Louis  _looks._ And wonders.

Harry is there and he still  _needs_ a touch because he kind of thinks he is still an illusion or finally a good dream Louis is having and he will wake up to be faced with the nightmare.

So, to make sure, he moves his shaking legs and walks towards Harry, who walks two steps as well just so it's  _quicker._

Louis fits perfectly against Harry's chest and Harry's arms can wrap around him, holding him still so wonderfully.

Maybe that's one of the things that haven't change. That Harry can still hug Louis as if he is the world, even if right now he is just a lost friend, a  _half stranger._

That Harry is still the taller one, the stronger one and the one who rests his head upon Louis'. That Louis is still the one grabbing a fist of Harry's fabric from his jacket on his chest and holding him with his other hand on his waist, even though he is the older.

And it's so dramatic, people are walking by on the path, ignoring the scene, oblivious of their story, or just giving a glance at them while they hug each other, like as someone who once was so important, and so much for the other was, should be hugging that one person who doesn’t see in ages.

And Louis sees that this is what they should have done the first time they saw each other a month ago.

He would notice that Harry has a different smell but still so enjoyable, sooner. He would notice that even though everything in him seems different having him close still feels a bit familiar. And he would notice the way Zayn happily smiles looking at the two when he opens the door from the entrance, about to look for Louis, sooner. That after all he isn't a disappointment and can even make himself proud because,  _he did it_.

And he can breathe normally, after all.

 

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » holy shit guys i'm actually quiet proud of this chapter (and for the second time i cried a bit okay) i just hope it was what you expected to be. let me just say something so you can understand the next chapters better. Harry and Louis aren't in love with each other. their feelings changed obviously along the years and they can't love each other like they did. but you will understand their feelings soon but just don't think that they still love each other, especially the same way, just because they talked, or saw each other now, or hugged and/or talked that way to each other. this is going to be a long process.
> 
> what do you think that is going to happen for now on with them? what do you have to say about harry's story? do you think what he did on the past was the correct?


	10. Neon lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after last chapter i think this one deserved to be better and not that shitty , and it took me soooo long , im sorry but i had writer's block so this is the result of it *sigh*

It's all too weird at the moment. Weird in the meaning of different and Louis is just not used to this weirdness and change in his life. On the first day after letting Harry leave and seeing Zayn there smiling at him, Louis needed to take  _that_ time to be alone. To just sort things out. In the next morning Louis felt different and even though he didn't sleep really well (awfully really) he felt a bit more alive. Everything seemed to have more colour. But he ended up spending the whole day on the couch with Zayn.

He called his sister on day three and on day four, 29 of December, a lovely but still cold morning of Monday he decided to call Liam so they could all have a nice breakfast out.

Liam appears smelling like expensive cologne, it's different so they bet it was a Christmas present.

"Good morning!" Louis says first, all dressed up already when opens the door for Liam.

"Morning! You look good," he comments and with a roll of eyes Louis adds.

"Like always."

"Obviously." Liam jokes. "Glad you took Zayn out of bed."

"Yes, so glad." Zayn comments strictly while dressing his leather jacket, quiet vigorously, making Liam laugh with his performance.

"Anyway, where do you wanna go this morning?" Liam asks and Louis notices he is talking to Zayn.

"I think it's my turn to choose the place."

Zayn sighs as if he was dealing with a kid with ten years old. "All right, choose, Louis."

"I want to go to that coffee shop you talked about and we went to the last time," he says looking at Liam this time, who is still close to the front door.

Both men look at each other and then at Louis, surprised. Louis plays oblivious of the scene and asks, adding innocently. "What? We didn't have the chance to even try the food. Zayn, man, c'mon, you might have a reason to cut Liam's balls, we still don't know if the food sucks." Louis jokes and grabs his jacket from the handle.

No one comments it and Liam still leads them there again through the street, even though this time Louis knows the way by heart now. They don't comment on it either because everything can change his mood, they don't know, but Louis looks fine and he even greets the people on the elevator from their flat and that's probably the first time he does it.

They arrive at the café and Louis chooses the same table he sat the last time he was there to speak with Harry, close to the window. This morning the place seems comfier than the other times and it's probably not only because it's warmer in than outside and the lights around are nice and yellow.

Louis looks around the place, the blonde guy he talked to is getting ready to start playing in a few moments. The same girl that took their orders the last time comes to their table again with the same polite smile, same perfect hair and the nicest blue eyes ever.

They end up ordering the same because Louis really wants to try it and he is sure this time he won't run away.

His heart is still beating too fast and he feels a bit anxious but everything is under control now. He sees Harry on the balcony and he still didn't notice Louis' presence probably because he is too busy with the clients, of course.

It's only been three days since he saw the younger guy but he already looks different in Louis' eyes. Louis didn't find the courage to send him a text message because he wouldn't know what to say, neither he passed by here to look at him from outside. He had no reason to do it now.

Liam and Zayn are talking with each other and Louis never finds interest in their topics so he doesn't pay attention.

He sees Harry smiling at a little girl who is with his mother paying and it reminds him the way Harry used to smile to Peter when he was younger. It makes Louis wonder how it would be now if Harry talked to Peter and the otherwise. It's just all so weird to imagine.

The Irish lad appears and Harry's smile changes and Louis notices it all. Also notices how they seem to speak so freely like they weren't even working and no one was around, how Harry makes him laugh to the point that the guy touches Harry's arm to control himself.

Louis can notice how comfortable they feel around one another for the few times he has seen them together, but it still makes him think that something isn't the same. The same as it was with him and Harry, which, well, makes Louis unsure of what he feels. Maybe glad and relieved because he hasn't been replaceable. Maybe Harry can't have that type of friendship –and Louis is really only thinking about friendship– with anybody else.

The blonde guy (Louis really needs a name for him) is still talking when Harry turns his head to where Louis' table is. He thinks about looking away and play it cool –and really how old is he anyway? – but he keeps looking till their eyes meet.

Harry seems surprise at first, making the unnamed guy stop talking and also looking at where Harry is looking at. Then his lips twist a bit forming a small smile. Louis thinks about waving because that's a normal thing to do right? He needs to be normal here. But then Harry does it anyway and Louis thinks his morning couldn't get better now. 

He waves back, of course, and isn't conscious about how big or small is smile might be right now, he doesn't even care. It's strange seeing Harry now and just casually wave, this new chapter is still in a blank page ready for someone to write on it and Louis knows how hard it is to start something, especially a story. The good thing about it is that when the first paragraph is written the rest of it comes easily. Words will be written so easily that sometimes there is no need of thinking about what to do next.

That's what Louis needs, the first paragraph, the feeling of doing things without the need of thinking. He just hopes anything bad comes without warning and with no intention in later chapters.

"Who is it?" Liam asks and Zayn takes his eyes from Louis to look at Liam, changing his expression completely.

"Oh, erm, just an old friend." Louis answers and he feels the need to look at Harry again but he won't do it because he is afraid of keep staring. He still didn't explain what happened that day to Liam because it would mean that he needed to give further explanations about the subject. "So what are you two thinking about doing Wednesday?" Louis asks, changing topic and finally including himself in the conversation.

"You will see Louis." Liam answers chuckling.

"Oh please, no strippers like last time."

"No strippers," Zayn says this time, still glaring at Liam even though the last time it was Zayn's idea and they didn't even know Liam was a person by that time. "but it will need to be big. It will be our first big party on that flat and it's a new year's party first of all. It's something special!"

"Zayn, man, we live in a flat where half of the residents are old people."

"I can still work with that. Especially with Liam's help." Zayn says "Right, Liam?" He smiles at his friend, maybe too exaggerating.

Liam nods nervously and Louis only frowns looking at them both but it fades away when the food arrives and he forgets his own name looking at the delicious plate. He is so focused it that doesn't even notice the person who brings it.

"Enjoy your meal!"

"Thank you." Louis says eating and tasting the whole plate with his eyes. He lives for British’s breakfasts honestly.

Harry chuckles due his state and Zayn needs to kick Louis under the table so he can finally realise the guy's presence. He raises his head startled and is ready to complain about how he interrupted his lovely moment with the food to Zayn, when looks at the side to see Harry stood up there.

"Oh, hi."

"Hello," he smiles a bit and nods as a greeting. "Good to see you here."

"I needed to taste the food here, right? My friend here said it's great," Louis says pointing at Liam "he is Liam by the way. Liam this is Harry."

"Nice to meet you." Liam smiles at Harry, which Harry answers the same way.

"And this is Zayn but you already know him, I suppose..." Louis finishes and he is trying to talk as normal as possible apart from the fight that is happening on his belly. Zayn is looking at him weirdly because honestly he knows that normally, Louis wouldn't act this way and he is speaking so fast that is almost impossible to understand what he is saying. Maybe he is trying too hard and wants to hide the nerves by acting too normally even, but it's all still too new and he will have time to hate himself later.

"Well, hope you enjoy." Harry keeps smiling but it seems to be more polite than actually being what he feels like doing.

"Is your friend going to sing?" Louis asks before he can leave.

"Who? Niall? Oh yes he will." And damn, Harry's voice sounds ten times brighter and happier while mentioning the blonde guy's name. At least, it's what Louis thinks. "I really need to go back to work," he says eventually because Louis can't find words to keep this conversation so he just keeps looking. "We, erm, see you later? Or talk to you soon, maybe?"

"Maybe." Louis answers meaning to say  _sure_. His two friends are looking at their plates instead of watching the miserable scene and the way these two  _once best friends, half strangers_ look at each other.

Harry smiles politely one more time and leaves their table. Louis stays looking at the empty place for some seconds before turning to his plate. "Please kill me." He sighs and Zayn and Liam look at each other before turning their attention to an upset Louis. His mood definitely changes. "This was awkward as fuck."

"It was." Liam speaks and Zayn slaps him in the arm reminding him that he can't really talk about this.

"It's normal Louis, give it some time, yes?" Zayn says softly.

"Whatever, we talk about it later, let's just eat." He says grabbing the cutlery and starting eating.

He misses preparing his own breakfast with someone by his side to help him with it and who knows what he likes in the morning but even though keeps asking what he prefers this time.

It's been a while since that happened

~*~

Liam's balls are saved. For now.

The food is delicious and it made Louis' mood change once again. The fact that Zayn kept talking with him about things of his interest and keeping him busy so he can’t be thinking too much also helped and Louis knows he did it on purpose, especially because he was constantly smiling and chuckling, trying to gain some reaction from his best friend. Liam got the idea and contributed.

Louis also tried his best to ignore Niall (apparently, if he is correct, it's his name) vocal and guitar chords because that boy is really an angel. It's confirmed. And Louis feels a bit jealous because he has what Louis always wanted, a good voice, pretty and not boring and average blue eyes, a nice but still loud laugh possible to make everyone around happy and not annoyed... And also Harry. That blonde dude has Harry in the palm of his hand. Louis just talked to him once and he was everything but friendly to him, he was a stranger. Louis can only hate him already.

They finish the meal and Louis swears this is going to be his lunch as well. Zayn goes paying for everything because it is actually his turn (this time for real) and Louis starts hating the Irish lad a bit more when he recognises him and decides to say hi to Louis so he thinks it's time to go outside breathe some fresh air but pollute it while smoking a cigarette. Besides, Zayn is talking to Harry while paying for the food and Louis doesn't want to see how better Harry seems to be talking with Zayn than when he was talking to him.

It's like the otherwise of the old times when Harry only talked to Louis because he couldn't talk with other people, now is the otherwise. He can talk with other people but not with Louis.

"Felling all right, mate?" Liam asks, watching Louis smoking his cigarette with his eyes focused on the path.

"Yes!" And Louis is, he just wished he could have got the courage to go talk with Harry before coming outside or even sending him a message these past days. He wants to give the excuse  _harry didn't text either, so he doesn't care._ But he can't, he knows he didn't text because last time they talked Louis said it was too much to process. He was giving him time and space, because he understood it.

"You seem pretty shaky."

"Did life ever pranked you pretty badly and then kind of regretted it and tried to solve it but you had already fallen on the floor?" Louis says after dragging the cig between his lips.

"Is that drama's teacher language or something?"

"No, is more like Louis' language."

"I see... But no, it hadn't. Life is still pranking, I'm waiting for her to regret it so it can help me to stand up from the floor."

"You suck." Louis chuckles and Liam shrugs, smiling a bit.

Zayn appears, walking out from the café, saving his wallet in his pocket. He takes the cigarette from Louis to use it himself. Louis doesn't even protest about it, it would be useless. "Do you want to go home now, Louis?" He asks and sometimes Louis feels like a little kid with Zayn and he isn't sure if he feels good or bad with it.

"Yeah, I want to." He answers and Zayn nods.

They end up making the same way by foot to their flat, with Liam next to them so he can go get his car. He ends up going back home and the two boys get in the elevator to go to their floor.

They stay leaned next to the small window from the living room with a glass of water and a cigarette in their hands asking what they should do today. The problem with London, for them, is that if you aren't in the mood to deal with big crowds and you have no money to spend in random stuff then there's nothing to do besides staying home. Staying home while you have no work to do and what's on the TV sucks or you are just tired of watching means having random conversations with the other person you share the flat with, drinking water and receiving the cold air coming from outside hitting your face.

"Our life is so pointless." Louis sighs and who is Louis if he isn't complaining about something?

"Talk for yourself," Zayn scoffs and he is truly considering throwing Louis out of the window. "I still pretend to build a family, own a good house with a garden for my dog and where I can have a nice and big living room with a space to read, or to paint and definitely have a big window there. Maybe a balcony."

"Dude, I think you are doing things completely the wrong way. You are living with a problematic gay dude in a shitty flat."

"Good point Louis because I can hardly notice your presence." Zayn ironically remarks making Louis punch him in the arm, causing the glass of water almost falling in the floor.

"Good to know that life is still pointless for you, then." Louis smirks and Zayn rolls his eyes. He leads the cigarette towards his lips, wanting to finish it as quick as possible, before speaking again.

"It won't be one day."

"You can touch the sand but you won't ever reach the sky, man."

"You are always so optimistic, love."

"I'm just realistic Zayn, it's better not to put our imagination too high, picture something we want really badly in such way. I had so many ideas for my future and not even one thing made it through reality. It's heart breaking..."

"That's why you can keep thinking about new pictures for your future."

"What for?" Louis shrugs and draws one more time his cigarette to stub it out on the ashtray.

"That question only answers to why you think your life is pointless." Louis sighs noisily but Zayn ignores. "Let's keep our marathon. I'm bored man, today is iron man's time." Zayn suggests, shutting the window and walking to the couch.

Louis groans they watched it last time but he knows Zayn fell asleep so of course he wants to watch it again. They sit on the couch, in the same position as always. Louis' legs above Zayn's lap while he strokes his bare ankles. The blanket is above them and Louis looks smaller than the usual underneath it.

When the movie is reaching the part where Zayn had fallen asleep, Louis' phone buzzes above the small coffee table. "Reach it for me please, my angel."

Zayn chuckles but still says "Go get it yourself you lazy shit."

Louis rolls his eyes and tries his best to turn to a sitting position. His bones crackle and he moves so slowly that makes him look like twenty years older than he actually is. Or he is just dramatizing so Zayn feels bad for not helping him.

He stretches himself so he can reach the table and when grabs it turns to lay down on the couch. Zayn had stopped his gentle touches on Louis' ankles, being attentive to the movie now.

Louis unlocks the screen to open the message.

_Hi Louis,_ _it's Harry_ _(you saved my number so yeah,_ _you know it's me)_ _I just wanna let you know that Zayn invited me to your bday/new_ _year's_ _party on Wednesday._ _So,_ _idk if I should go and if you want me to._

Louis' heart beats fast and he feels a turbulence on his chest that is quiet unpleased. He looks up from the phone to look at Zayn, who is innocently still with his eyes focused on the TV screen, as if he hadn't done anything wrong. Anything to worry Louis about and die for some seconds.

"What the fuck, Zayn?!" He lifts his legs up and lets them fall on Zayn's, kicking him.

The dark haired guy jumps in his place and looks widely at Louis. "I did nothing!"

Louis sits up, Indian style and keeps looking furiously at his friend, with his phone still in hands. "Why are you interfering in this Harry's thing?"

"What?"

"You heard it. You are trying to do these things for myself. First you bring him here, now you invite him to come here on Wednesday."

"Oh."

"Oh? I don't like it Zayn."

"I'm just worried Louis." He says quiet loudly. "I'm trying to help you, you said you let me help, so I'm doing it. You fucking saw the guy and talked to him better now, I know you spent these past days wondering if you should text him or not. And what? I don't know how you were going to start talking to him, to build a friendship maybe, so I just gave you a little hand."

"Zayn, listen I -"

"Yeah, I wanna listen to the movie now. Don't let the boy down so if he texted you, answer." Zayn looks forward again, leaving Louis with the words he was about to say on the tip of his tongue.

He looks down at his phone and unlocks it again.  _Do what you want,_ _I don't mind if you come._ _If you_ _really_ _want to._  He types.

The answer doesn't take long to come.  _Are you fine with it?_ _I mean..._ _I also don't know what I am going to do there,_ _won't it be weird?_

And really, Louis wants to tell him to come because it will be good for both. He wants Harry to come he is just afraid of not knowing what to do.  _Probably will..._ _But you will have fun!_ He ends up texting back, instead.

 _This_ _is_ _about what you think as well..._ Louis frowns looking at the message.

_Yeah, well. I told you_ _it's fine._ _If you want to you can come over._

He wants to face palm himself, no, slap himself really. Why can't he just say  _yes it's fine,_ _I want you here it'll be good for us._ But Louis can't see the reason why he should, neither the courage to.

Harry doesn't answer anymore. So Louis thinks he isn't coming because Harry probably thinks he doesn't care. Or maybe is the other way round.

He stands up from the couch and goes to his bedroom anyway.

~*~

It's Wednesday night, their flat looks bigger than the usual with all the people around. Zayn and Liam made sure to get a big table (Louis doesn't want to know how they dragged it to the flat) with a nice towel above and with food. The theme of the party is neon lights and Louis honestly loves what he sees around. He can't understand how Zayn and Liam did it all in an afternoon while he spent his whole time in the bedroom catching up with forgotten series.

Everything looks so nice and fluorescent, the music is amazing because Zayn knows how to do it and Liam is brilliant because he is the one making those simple but still awesome drawings with neon on people's face, bodies and clothes, when opens the door for them. And Louis... Wow, Louis never imagined that so many people would appear. Old friends from uni, Liam's friends that he talks so much about, two teachers around their age from school, even the pretty girl from the floor underneath them came and Louis has no idea how Zayn got to talk to her.

He knows after midnight that they will get in trouble because the music might be too loud so the nice old lady won't be nice anymore so when they run out of sugar she won't help them anymore, but right now Louis doesn't want to care about it.

He has alcohol and a good reason to drink it. He is partying and people have been being too nice to him. They notice his existence and Louis feels like he belongs here and he expects feeling this way till the fireworks can be heard outside.

The room is too hot for his own good but he had changed to a white T-shirt and some denim shorts and it's like it's not winter anymore. It's like he isn't twenty five, it's like there's no worries in life and he is just in that dark room, which right now has some colour around him and it doesn't hurt his eyes as it should.

He has a red plastic cup in his hand and he is not sure if it's beer anymore. He stays next to Zayn for some time telling him what mix he should play, thanking him for the party too many times and showing his surprise by the amount of people that can actually fit in there.

He doesn't even feel the need to smoke because he doesn't have anything bothering him in mind.

He looks at his side and sees Zayn with the biggest smile placed on his face, his hair in the most perfect quiff ever and his cheekbones covered with green and orange stripes. His white shirt stuck in his torso with two hand prints in it and a nice contour in blue and pink that Liam had the patience to do through some of his arm's tattoos

"You look hot, Malik." Louis half shouts, making Zayn laugh and getting closer to him.

"Do you mean like always?!"

"Don't be so sure of yourself!" Zayn shrugs still laughing and Louis' brushes his hand through his spine.

"His Liam still in the hall?" Louis asks confused, finding quiet impossible to still have people coming since it's been almost an hour since it started and Louis doesn't expect anyone else to come.

"He went to the bathroom after I've finished putting the neon on him." He answers and Louis nods.

Louis swears if his heart keeps beating this way so suddenly on his chest this frequent he will need to go straight to the hospital because shit, it's too much for him and he is quiet tired of it. But what? His destiny is stubborn and keeps wanting to go for a change, so every time he raises his head, in the most inopportune moments he sees him.

 _Harry Styles_.

The same boy he saw eighteen years ago sat on a path, playing with a flower, who Louis had no idea that in the next time, he would be playing with Louis' heart.

It might be too dark and his features not really recognisable but even then Louis' soul can still recognise his. His hair looks curlier and he has something in his head receiving the effect of the black light. He has drawn across his eyes little circles in orange, similar as Louis. His arms are covered in different colours forming what Louis expects to be splashes of ink.

He looks like a main character of a movie, especially by the way he walks and looks around, quiet dramatically. Louis is almost sure that his green eyes might be having the effect of the light because it's like they're glowing in his direction. But they don't really  _stop_ on Louis, because when they were close from it he looks at the side.

And oh, there he is, the angel with Irish accent and great blue eyes, who Louis is not so fond of because he is kind of an asshole. Not Niall, Louis.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » what do you think it's going to happen in the party and why did harry bring niall with him?


	11. The stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist
> 
> Me by The 1975 
> 
> Wings by Birdy
> 
> I need you by M83
> 
> Slow Breath by Farewell J.R

 

 

 

 

 

_**how i picture louis, look how much he grew up since lost memories *cries* oh and yes he has the "it is what it is" tattoo but it'll be mention later :)** _

_** ** _

 

~*~

"He came..." Louis whispers but it's loud enough for Zayn, next to him to hear him.

"Well of course he came." Zayn says as if it's the most logical thing ever said. "Go on, go talk to him."

"Are we in high school now for you to talk to me that way?" He asks Zayn half in amusement half wryly. But in fact, when he was in high school no one would talk to him like this... "Besides, he is with..." He makes a small pause. "With whoever that blonde guy is for him." He finishes, making Zayn roll his eyes.

"It's your party, our flat, I think it's just normal for you to go there and greet him. Please Louis, stop seeing problems in everything. Especially where there is none."

Louis snorts with his comment but walks away anyway looking like a little kid who just heard a  _no_ from his parents. If Harry looked at him now like that, he sure would recognised that expression. Well, maybe.

"Hi Louis." Niall is the first one noticing his person getting closer from them, he waves and Louis forces a smile not really looking at Harry, yet.

"Hello Niall. Glad you came along with Harry." he keeps smiling and he surely is just seeing the time when the blue eyed chap jumps to his side and hugs him. Honestly. But he has no time for that when Harry speaks.

"Hi." He smiles briefly and this time Louis' smile isn't forced just a bit unsure.

"Hey, good to see you."

"Wasn't sure if you would say that." He says and Louis gives a step back with the comment.

"What do you mean?" Louis asks raising his eyebrow and Harry's smile comes back, after vanishing for some seconds.

"Nothing. Happy birthday, by the way. Should have said it sooner, I'm sorry."

"Thank you!"  _It's good to just hear it after this time._

"Yeah, happy birthday, mate." Niall grins and Louis smiles at him as an answer.

"This looks good." Harry says looking around and Louis sees Niall following his movements with his eyes. Almost like Louis used to do.  _Dammit_. "There's also more people in here than it actually should." He chuckles

"Probably. Most of them are old friends from college and Liam's friends."

"Oh, you went to college then..." Harry's face drops and Louis feels like he is going to throw up a strange creature from his stomach. He sure is feeling some weird and unpleasant stuff lately.

"Of course, do you think I wouldn't?" And this shouldn't had come out rude. And most definitely as if he was screaming,  _do you think I didn't move on,_ _like you did,_ _after you left? Do you_ _think I wouldn't get through college without you?_ Louis didn't mean it but he is not sure if that's what he exactly thought about...

"No, I just..." Harry starts, clearly taken back by the comeback.

"Right. I'm sorry." Louis sighs taking his fingers through his hair. This didn't start well and it just made Louis remember that he shared nothing about his new life with Harry. He still didn't give him the sun or the clouds after Harry giving him the sky. Will he ever need to? "Anyway. We've got the same drawings in our face." Louis makes himself grin this time while pointing at his face.

"Yes, it looks cool." Harry grins back and fuck, Louis just really wants a good conversation, not a forced one. Well, at least they are ignoring Niall's presence, who is just looking at them at time when they speak. Louis feels pleased with it. Till...

"You've got nachos?" Niall shouts – he is really loud – when looks at the table at the side. Louis appreciates his profile and curses him (or Liam) for having blue neon contouring his eyes. Why does he has to look good? And so happy? Yeah, why does the guy need to look so happy over nachos and make Harry turn his whole attention to him, changing his glow immediately? "They have nachos, Harry."

Harry says something Louis can't quite understand but he sounds delighted and somehow out of himself. When did Harry start to like nachos?

"Well, serve yourself and make sure to have fun." Louis says laughing and Niall shouts tones of  _thank you's,_ which Louis isn't sure if it's an answer to him or directed to God.

When he turns around he stops laughing right away and if he only knew this would happen, he would tell Zayn to throw the nachos away from the window –it’d be a dream come true –because even that brings Harry's full attention, even that makes his eyes shine, a thing Louis didn't receive and isn't winning at.

~*~

Louis is probably drunk. He definitely is, there's no  _probably_. He had danced with everyone in the room, had insulted Stan, a guy from college, tones of times but he only laughed and didn't take it seriously; said to the pretty girl, their neighbour from downstairs the building, that Zayn has a crush on her and is currently on Andy's back, one of Liam's friend (now Louis' as well) singing the song that is playing –he is just really singing the melody really.

"Dude, you're crazy." Andy laughs while Liam is behind them just seeing the time Louis falls back from his back.

"I know, I'm so funny, right?" He keeps rocking his hips and making the older guy spinning in circles as if he was enjoying a ride on a carousel.

"You are, you are, bro."

"Andy, don't encourage him!" Liam says as a warning. Half of the people seem oblivious of the scene happening in the kitchen's part, while the other half are just enjoying watching as much as Louis is enjoying being there.

"Liam jump to my back, jump to my back." Louis pouts, steadying himself by putting his arms around Andy's neck and making him stop so he can look at Liam.

"Louis!" Liam sighs rolling his eyes by what he just said while the man with dirty, long, blonde hair whines.

"That would break my spine."

"Because Liam is fat, right?" He asks, close to his ear but still speaking loud enough, giggling.

"Yes, because, Liam is fat." He agrees, trying to sound serious.

Louis smirks looking at Liam, who just shakes his head and chuckles by Louis' expression. "Take me to prince Zayn!" Louis shouts one more time, taking his hand up in the air and looking up so quickly that almost makes him feel dizzy, but Andy's grip behind his thighs helps him to keep still.

"All right my king." Louis smiles smugly with the answer received and is carried away to the other side of the room, which even being a small space it makes Louis think he is running a marathon. They pass by the people who laugh at the scene but right when they are reaching Zayn's spot, who is talking with Niall about music, of course –he helped him with the choice of the past hour – Andy stops and Louis thinks he just reached his destiny. He jumps out of his back, losing a bit his balance but someone helps him.

"I'm good, I'm good." He throws his hands up, laughing at his own scene. The music isn't as loud as it was at the beginning of the night but it's still hard for him to understand the feminine voice next to him. "Thank you for the ride, sir." He says to Andy, who just laughs "I think I will stay here now." He nods and squeezes Louis' arm friendly before leaving and adding  _I will pick you up later,_ _my king._ Louis smiles and waves at him.

"Oh, I see you are finally talking to our beautiful neighbour, Zayn." Louis puts his hand above Harry's shoulder, who he hasn't seen all night. If he was entirely sane he wouldn't be talking this way. And calling him  _Zayn._

"Louis, I'm Harry." Harry chuckles a bit and if he himself hadn't a bit of alcohol in his blood he wouldn't be reacting so chill.

Louis looks at Harry, meeting his gaze, the area around his eyes with even more neon that the last time he had seen him and the drawing much more elaborated. Zayn probably did it. "Harry, exactly. Hello." He smiles and then turns his attention to the girl in front of them her own hair is kind of reacting to the light and Louis needs to look carefully to make sure that she really has pink hair.

"I'm Louis," he offers his hand, still with the other one above Harry's shoulder.

"I know, Louis. We've talked before." Her sweet voice, which Louis is describing in his mind as strawberry’s tone, is pleasant to his ears. "When you came up to me saying that we are neighbours and should talk more? You mentioned Zayn."

"Oh yes of course." He says nodding and smiling but then shaking his head straight away. "No, I'm sorry." He looks attentively at her. "Your name again? I'm bad with it as you can see." He laughs.

"Delilah." She answers, covering her mouth with his hand when laughs a bit.

"Gorgeous name, don't you think?" He asks now looking at Harry.

"Yes, I was just saying the same." He answers and Harry seems so free, so wild and kind of drunk as well. Still looking sane, though. He still knows what's happening otherwise Louis, who is having trouble with everyone's name, apparently.

"Well, thank you." The girl says. "I was also asking where the bathroom is, he didn't know how to answer at that." She chuckles

"You should know by now." Louis says looking at Harry, who just looks back confused. "Well, I think it's in the hall. First door, maybe? Just open them all till you find it. The place is small."

Delilah laughs but nods and excuses herself before leaving. Louis keeps his hand above Harry's shoulder and the contact doesn't make him feel the sparkles it should, but he turns to him probably with the most genuine smile he could ever give him after these longs years. After seeing him these many times and not bring the person he should be next to Harry.

"Ah love this song." Louis comments when  _wings by_ _birdy_ starts playing and it's a big change since the type of music being played previously was more indie or alternative.

"Me too." Harry says looking deeply into Louis' eyes and does he sigh? He probably does because he looks into Louis' new beauty and it's just like watching the sunset in the beach, looking at a big field covered with colourful flowers, it's just every good feeling he could ever witness its existence.

Louis giggles. He fucking giggles. "Come with me, my legs ache and I need a smoke because this is making me out of breathe." he grabs Harry's hand and leads him to the front door, opening it and walking up the stairs from the building.

Harry doesn't say a word he just limits himself following the drunk guy while walking the long and thin stairs from the white and dull hall. Louis seems confused if he is going along the right place and if they still need to walk too many stairs to reach the place, but soon they reach the top of the stairs, the last floor where only a grey door is seen in front of them (apart from the few spider's webs and it smells weirdly but it's not something they pay much attention to.)

Louis gives a glance at the man next to him, with their hands still holding (in a weird way really, they just don't fit well) but he isn't really looking back at him so Louis looks away and pulls him when opens the door to go along with him to the roof, feeling instantly the cold air from outside hitting their sweaty and hot bodies. It's a thermal shock but Louis can't feel his body right now.

He drops Harry's hand, both already sweating as well and walks further more to the edge to keep looking forward at the lights from the city, since there are no stars up in the sky.

"Wow." Harry is the one breaking the sacred silence and Louis' obnoxious and drunk thoughts.

"Finally some peace," Louis mutters, sighing and kinda feeling the need of drinking a bit again so that's when he remembers the purpose of coming here. He takes the pack of cigarettes from the pocket of his shorts and the lighter. He brings it between his teeth and lights it up not really focusing on the way Harry looks at him. He gives it a drag and then offers it to Harry.

"No thanks, I don't smoke." He answers, twisting his nose by the smell of it (or it is just because of the scene really). "So you smoke now?"

Louis raises his eyebrow bringing the thing that kills between his fingers to his lips again. "For a while." He answers sitting on the floor, making the taller boy doing the same, next to him.

"Since when?"

Louis narrows his eyes, supporting one of his hands on the floor from behind his back. "Can't really remember. And I don't think I want to." He shrugs and looks forward again.

He should notice the way Harry is looking at him in curiosity and as if he was something rare. So rare that he is so afraid of breathing close to, looking at attentively or touch to feel his presence. The sweetest thing he has ever seen and that he wants to know more about its world. But Louis doesn't.

"Are you drunk?" Louis asks before Harry can speak something first.

"Not really, I don't drink much."

"Then you are drunk." He chuckles, covering his mouth with the back of his hand that is holding the cig.

"Well, you are."

"Are you going to call my mother saying I'm being a bad boy?" He asks looking by the corner of his eyes at Harry. Harry seems to freeze for some seconds but long enough for Louis to start laughing again. "I'm teasing." He rests his arms above his knees. "Damn I'm not even a boy anymore, I'm twenty five. Fuck." He says perplexed and also in amusement.

Harry decides to stop looking at him, that if Louis is a rare thing then he should keep it this way, Harry doesn't and can't find out about him. And even if he tries, it will so difficult to break that wall protecting him.

"This is a nice place." Harry decides to comment then, after what it seems for Louis a minute but that in reality are five. He was just looking at the city but not truly  _seeing_ _somethin_ g in front of him.

"Not really." Louis keeps laughing but well, it's better than showing unhappiness. He still has so much sadness in his bones but maybe that's what is supporting him. His body. He has been living with it feeling so used to it that it's just normal. But so wrong. "This is kinda shitty really but I'm a new teacher, not really an important or prestigious one, so I don't have much money, we didn't have much money, to buy a better one."

"You are a drama teacher..."

"Yes, how do you know it?" Louis asks, mouth semi opened looking at the side at the guy.

"You told me when we erm, first talked. I felt like..." He sighs. "Do you like it? Being a teacher?"

Louis nods frenetically, too quickly to prove his point. "Yes, yes I like it. It's the closest I can get from what I really wanted to." He says too happily for the subject.

"Why don't you like to be here?" Harry asks and that question makes Louis wrap his arms around his legs to bring his knees against to his chest, resting his chin above it. Harry keeps a good space between them but Louis can still smell the strong smell of cologne. He wants to taste it really.

"I didn't tell you?" He asks quietly but doesn't wait for an answer. "Because I see the stars in black and white here. They don't shine for me, even if I wanted them to, if I ask them to, every night…" He rocks his body back and forth, still holding himself, and Harry just looks at him with full attention, ignoring his previous thoughts because it's been a big while since he heard Louis speaking this way. Speaking such things –and he is drunk for god's sake. “I think they tell me, it's not the time yet." He continues and his voice gets more acute while saying the last words as if the stars could speak, then that would be their tone. "But I wanted it to be now because I'm dead to go back to sleep." Harry doesn't find words to speak, doesn't have the capacity to form coherent sentences. "Do you understand me?"

"Yes I understand..." Harry answers and even if that's not true, even if he isn't really getting Louis' full point –because who would? He is pissed drunk –Louis didn't hear those three words for a while, because no one would, no one can understand him. But this boy with green eyes, who looks good with neon's ink in his face and with a weird thing holding his hair in place in his head –honestly Louis still didn't figure out what it is –said that to him. Might even lied, might even only understand half of his point but he said it.

Louis full smiles and let's go his legs, stretching them in front of him. "Great." He looks at the younger guy. "Can I share an advice with you, gorgeous?"

Harry's eyes open widely and his cheeks were already a bit pink so maybe they turn even more "Sure"

"Is kind of a secret. Maybe." He starts." But, well... Listen, you can drink too much and forget the night before," he looks at his company and it seems that he is thinking carefully about what he needs to say "but I've learn that you can never drink enough to forget about the people you want to, the people you loved but lost." He says sighing, turning his gaze away and his eyes are shinning. Louis' blue eyes are shinning while he looks at the city in front of him with all those lights making noises so far away from them.

So then Harry says. "The stars are in your eyes, Lou." And Louis quickly looks at the guy next to him, meeting again his look and he seems astonished as if he can't believe someone is able to say something like that... At him. "This, about what you said to me previously." Harry completes cautiously. "And you don't forget about the people you want to and that you... You loved and lost because it's a lie. You don't want to stop thinking about them, you  _want_ to think about them. Constantly."

Louis shakes his head. "You are wrong. I want to forget. About everything."

"You don't, you want it back." Harry corrects him, making sure to say his point strictly but still calmly and it only makes Louis feel like someone set his body, on the inside, on fire.

"You know shit so don't say that." The drunk man says loudly, his tender and amused expression disappears to be replaced by an upset one. Harry is a bit taken back with his tone and rudeness but tries not to feel too affected.

"I know a lot."

"You know nothing, you hear me? You don't even know me, you can't know what I'm feeling." He keeps shouting, his shoulders tense and he moves his body towards Harry, pointing his finger at him. He tries his best to keep steady and calm, for Louis' sake.

"Hey," he takes Louis' hand in his, the one Louis is raising and pointing at him. "Calm down, yeah?" He says softly and keeps his hand touching Louis', leading it down to his lap. The older man frowns looking at the gesture, now really analysing how their hands look together. He feels what he isn't supposed to feel, it's strange, familiar but somehow lost and going to the unrecognisable. He can't have people touching him when he is feeling like this but somehow he can't stop staring at it.

"No," he says suddenly. "Don't touch me like this." He brutally takes his hand away from Harry's and the way he looks after Louis' harsh move, makes it seems he misses the touch. "I want to forget because I will never have him back." He cries out, with no context perhaps. His head was only having nice thoughts, he was feeling funny and happy but it turns out that this guy here, who he thought it'd be a good idea to bring him to the roof, is making it all worst.

"Louis, I'm here." Harry says sadly and for a moment, for a brief moment Louis sees something, maybe a flashback... He listens to someone who isn't really in front of him saying those words. The tone doesn't match the person really there, the tone sounds familiar but right now Louis can't see the right face to match the voice. It makes him stop breathing just by thinking.

He blinks thrice and then he feels like he falls over a cliff, or falls over the stairs, he just feels himself falling and he isn't flying like he wished he could be. "But I don't want you here." Louis frowns, he doesn't recognise the person in front of him as he thought he did a minute ago.

Harry's face falls and in a moment he looks shocked and in the other he is a mixture of sadness and anger. He gulps in dry and looks away from Louis' face, looking forward and it's his turn to wrap his arms around his knees. The sight in front of them is pretty but just not something really breathe taking because it still misses something. There are too much noise as well and it's nearly midnight.  _Midnight._

"Aren't you going to yell at me?" Louis asks and the answers is the deafening silence, Harry doesn't move. He keeps quiet as well but doesn't take his eyes off from the stranger next to him. He traces with his eyes Harry’s defined jaw line, looks at how some of the veins from his neck are visible, notices how his lashes are almost invisible in the night and he still feels like there's something familiar with this person but at the same time it's small details that makes him all different. He also realises that he is shivering, making Louis noticing that himself is feeling quiet cold as well, no longer sweating, no longer feeling like the walls are moving to crush him.

"You didn't want me here, did you?" The husky voice is heard, waking the stars from Louis' eyes up. "You are drunk now, you don't even know who I am," he laughs but Louis thinks that, that sound isn't right, it fades into the darkness, it has no glow. "but I can feel it. I could feel it by the messages you sent me when I asked you if it was okay for me to come. I could feel it when you saw me when I walked in from the door." He sighs and Louis can no longer see his profile because Harry looks down, making some locks of hair falling off from their place. Louis never felt such a big urge to touch them to pull them back in place.

"I don't know you..." Louis says after some moments in silence, his voice is so tiny and weak that makes Harry cringe by the sound of it. It's familiar for him too.

"Yes you know me, Louis." Harry's voice rises and it makes Louis' blue eyes look bigger. "You know me. I'm Harry remember? Do you remember? I was your best friend for years. I know I made shit but we talked about it and..." He groans and sighs in frustration. Louis looks like a scared child, looking at him. "This is useless." He shakes his head. "You aren't even listening to me."

Louis doesn't know what to say. He wants to see the fireworks, he wants to stay here and see the fireworks with this guy next to him. Somehow he feels like that's the correct thing to do, it’d be worth waiting for. He feels bad for being drunk, for not understanding quiet well, quiet as he should what is being said to him. But it's cold and the noise is getting louder, pumping into his head. It hurts a bit and he feels like if he stays here longer he will freeze, will he swallowed by this immense quietness, will make wounds and create bruises in himself and in the green eyed man.

"I'm sorry." He speaks and stands up from the floor, carefully or he would fall on it again. His eyes don't leave the man till he is walking back at the door from where they previously entered.

Harry doesn't even move, doesn't look back, doesn't react at Louis' action but Louis doesn't need to know it. He keeps walking down the stairs and back to his flat. Of course the door is opened, of course the people in there didn't even notice his small absence. He looks around the pink haired girl is talking to Liam, the blonde Irish guy is without shirt and shouting something with the crowd. Completely drunk, but totally having the time of his life. The TV is on as well showing London's streets full of people and then the area around the Big Ben where everyone waits for the countdown. Then his eyes land on the small window from his flat. It's opened and there it is, Zayn smoking a cigarette and looking outside.

He walks towards him, almost breathless but Zayn senses his presence and looks at him. A smile appears on his face and Louis thinks that's a beautiful way to look at someone.

"Hello, little one." Zayn says happily, little traces of sweat are sliding down his temple, his hair isn’t neatly brushed like usual, it’s just a mess but he looks stunning.

“Hi, gorgeous.” Louis grins, as if anything had happened in the roof, as if his heart wasn’t beating so fast that he can feel it on his chest, making his hands shaking and his voice trembling.

“You okay my love?” Zayn is drunk as well, but nicely drunk. Zayn is a nice drunk person, he keeps steady, he can (practically) walk straight unlike Louis, he can still say lucid words and sentences, he still knows who he is and who the people around him are. The only hints he lets escape are the fact that his eyes have a kind of blood shot colour and he smells like alcohol.

“I am.” Louis keeps smiling, he licks his lips and leans over the window, in his usual place in front of Zayn. Zayn stubs out his cigarette and turns his whole attention to the blue eyed boy, looking at him up and down as if he was trying to look for something that can make him see he is lying. What people are saying around them goes off in their brains so they don’t listen to it. “Aren’t you going to have your kiss at midnight this year? Maybe the pink girl is available!” Louis winks teasing and Zayn chuckles due it.

“We’re not drunk enough for that.”

“I can’t believe, first party out of college and you won’t have your midnight kiss.” Louis fakes shocked and Zayn just shrugs.

“I want to watch the fireworks this year.”

“Bullshit.” Louis laughs loudly while Zayn just looks out of the window. He seems to be thinking deeply and Louis wonders if he should interrupt him, should say something. He bites his lip “I wanted to have my first midnight kiss, this year.” He confesses.

“Go on and have it.” Zayn says somehow seriously, looking back at Louis. “You have tones of people here.” Louis gulps in dry, he needs a drink and it’s not alcohol, he needs a glass of fresh water. Or maybe just dive in, in cold water, which would be amazing right now. He looks down and plays with his fingers, people around them are finally counting and Louis feels his blood running through his veins, literally, and it shouldn’t burn. When Zayn tilts his head to the side he adds, adds something he would never say completely sober. “Why don’t you kiss Harry?”

And Louis looks up quickly, looks at Zayn’s face with mouth half opened, eyes sore and he tries to say something but it gets stuck on his throat. He just gives a step forward and the moment the fireworks are heard outside, Louis is pressing Zayn into the wall, grabbing him by his cheeks and pressing his lips together.

Zayn doesn’t watch the fireworks this year, he only pushes Louis closer by his waist and they kiss till the bottle of champagne is heard being opened. They pull apart when Liam appears to give them their glasses, letting them fall into the floor. 

~*~

Louis wakes up with a terrible headache, his mouth taste awfully and the first thing that comes up on his mind is that he remembers feeling hot last night and now he is fucking freezing. He tries to open wider his narrowed eyes, failing since the light is too bright. His back hurts and he feels something underneath him. When he tries to stand up in sitting position he sees that he just fell asleep on the couch above two sticks of neon lights and a plastic cup.

He literally groans from pain and annoyance because he bets it’s still so early in the morning he doesn’t understand how he can wake up with a hangover like this. But when he completely sits down, touching with his barefoot feet on the floor and cleaning the drool from his mouth he sees what woke him up.

_A fucking bird._

The window is open, which explains why the room is cold, it could be snowing inside really. He stands up, his bones crackling –  _I’m old_ , he thinks – and walks to shoo the little bird, tweeting at the opened window.

The noise of cars buzzing in the street makes him cringe and shutting the window right away,  _too much noise_. The place is a mess but Louis could care less now, he probably didn’t even realise it yet because he is walking – more like dragging himself – through the living room, stepping into everything that it is on the floor – it might even be puke but he will never notice it –, groaning at every step he gives and almost smashing his face on the wall because he still can’t open his eyes.

He finds the bathroom after being stood up in the middle of the wall looking around, trying to remember what door it is till he finds it. He looks for some pills to kill his headache and sickness but doesn’t find it – he thinks he doesn’t, at least. It must be in his room because he is (almost) sure that Zayn brought it to him the last time he drank.

He opens the door to Zayn’s room instead of his,  _fucking hell what is he doing?_ Seeing Zayn’s bare torso spread down along the mattress. He shakes his head,  _he looks pathetically cute,_ and walks to open the next door.

He tilts his neck to both sides at time, trying to get away with the pain he feels from sleeping badly but in the moment he opens the door and gets in, he wishes he could have never come in, wishes he could have found out the pills in the bathroom – because they were there – and wishes the pain from his neck and back would be stronger.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He shouts, forgetting about the pain in his head, it hurts like hell but that’s what he wanted, shutting the door hard enough to wake Niall and Harry up from his bed.

Here they are, Niall with his bare pale torso exposed looking sleepy and maybe not with the best humour and Harry raising his head up from the blonde haired guy’s shoulder and looking at Louis startled, wearing only his briefs and a shirt.

 

 

  
  
  
  
  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so excited for the next chapters because more larry , more narry more zouis and more liam with everyone hahah and new characters are showing up !  
> so questions, why do you think louis kissed zayn? what do you have to say about what harry told louis? and what's your bets about what's going to happen next


	12. The sun

 

 

_» crying bc this is how i picture harry saying hi to louis here now_

_~*~_

_“Are you fucking kidding me?” He shouts, forgetting about the pain in his head, it hurts like hell but that’s what he wanted, shutting the door hard enough to wake Niall and Harry up from his bed._

_Here they are, Niall with his bare pale torso exposed looking sleepy and maybe not with the best humour and Harry raising his head up from the blonde haired guy’s shoulder and looking at Louis startled, wearing only his briefs and a shirt._

"Louis..." Harry calls his name making Louis give a small step back. The younger guy seems to still be a little oblivious of what is happening since he is just waking up now.

"Oh don't you Louis me!" the blue eyed guy says harshly and looking at both men in his bed in such a way that he seems to feel ten times worst from his hangover.

"Hey dude, calm down." Niall says, rubbing his temple and sitting up. His accent is strong and his voice sounds a bit different now in the morning.

"Don't you dare to tell me to calm down in my own flat, on my own room when you are laid down in my bed with him." Louis shouts, literally shouts making the closer neighbours to know it's happening an argument in there, while pointing at Harry when refers to him.

"Louis please, there's no need of doing this." Harry says way too calmly and Louis doesn't need that right now. He is seconds away of pulling his hair out and the way Harry speaks, casually sitting up on Louis' bed, the same one he had sleepless nights wishing to have  _a_  Harry in there but hadn't and now he is there. With another guy.

"You better not talk to me with that calm tone of yours, which I'm not that fond of at the moment." He says harshly and Harry is taken back with it by the way he freezes and looks at Louis. "I can't believe what I'm seeing in my bed."

"I can explain." Harry says lowly, lowly because there's no need to shout, because he needs to stay calm. But he looks down, pulling his shirt down his tights, because he fears the way Louis is looking at him.

"No need of that," Louis laughs ironically. "You two fucked in my bed.  _In my bed_." He shouts, and he says it in such repugnancy, disgust and out of control that it's like the room is going in circles and he feels so sick... It’s unbelievable what he is seeing, what he saw. He never imagined this could ever happen. He doesn't know quite well how he feels about it, how he should react but he sees this as something wrong. He thought Harry (and Niall) would have some more respect. Louis didn't even expect to see Harry in his house for God sakes.

"What?" Harry looks at the blue eyed man in disbelief, his eyes go wide, his lips part and his fingers find the way to the end of his shirt to get a grip of the fabric in his hand.

Louis follows the way Niall's hand makes towards Harry's back to squeeze it and it just pisses him even more. "What the hell man?!" Niall speaks this time, his tone not matching his kind touch on Harry's. Louis thinks he was better quiet because he wants to punch him, or just put the two out of his room.

Well actually...

"Get out. You two get out!" He keeps shouting and this time he steps back from the door and points at it, making gesture for them to leave. When Harry opens his mouth, trying to speak Louis doesn't let him. "I said get out." He says louder.

"What the hell is going on here?" The door is opened quickly, making Louis look at Zayn, who walks in with dark circles under his eyes, the same messy hair and an angry expression.

Rule number one when you live with Zayn: you don't wake him up in the morning, especially when the night before he had been drink. Rule number two: he is the only one allowed to wake someone up, if he really wants to. Rule number three: you don't piss him off in the morning. (Louis breaks this one a lot)

"None of your damn business." Louis spits, eyes narrowed looking above Harry's shoulder.

"Well it is when I wake up with someone yelling this early."

"Louis is just -"

"Louis is just nothing," Louis interrupts Niall, knowing he was about to come up with an excuse, with something Louis doesn't want to listen, neither has the patience to. "You shut up here and do what I say."

"Louis, can you please stop?" Zayn rolls his eyes, taking his hands to his head probably imagining what just happened.

"Unbelievable!" He snorts and shaking his head he gets out of the room in a quick pass.

"Louis," he hears Harry's voice and turns around already walking in to the living room when knows he is following him.

"Don't talk to me right now. I can't believe you did it on my bed." He harshly says again and really, the way he is saying and accusing this it makes Harry think he is calling him a whore, mentally. There's anything worse than thinking that.

"And I can't believe you think I did it." Harry argues back, still shocked with what he is listening to. Zayn and Niall appear behind from the door and looks at them both.

Louis looks furiously at all of them, he is with a terrible headache, probably still with alcohol running through his blood, his throat his dry and he doesn't even know where to place his hands. He shouldn't had shut the window.

"Mate, you are acting crazy right now." Niall comments, not shouting though and even saying this he still sounds like a nice guys,  _frustrating._

"Oh I'm acting crazy?!" Louis laughs again, starting to walk back and forth on the wooden floor.

"I can't believe you just said that, Louis. I wouldn't... I didn't even..." Harry sighs, his expression falling and his eyes showing disappointment.  _Great Louis, let’s make_ _a circle and clap at your stupidity._

"Go fucking dress yourself. Both of you." He scoffs, coldly, looking at Harry. The shirt isn't long enough on him - though in Louis, would look (a bit) gigantic and he hates it - it reaches only a bit under his waist and Louis can see his boxers, and his long and skinny but still muscled legs.  _What the hell,_ _he didn't wake up_ _ready_ _for this._

"Louis!" Zayn calls him and it's a warning. It's a warning waking him up and knowing that he is going too far.

"What? I'm not allowed to feel mad, is that it?" He keeps shouting and Harry is looking at him in horror. He is not a kid anymore, he isn't eighteen, he isn't Louis' best friend anymore, so Louis is blind and can't remember, can't guess that he still hates when people argue and shout at each other, it still touches him deeply.

He sees Niall getting closer to Harry, his hand again on his back and he whispers  _Harry,_ as if he is able to understand clearly what is happening, what they are all feeling.  _Louis hates him._

Meanwhile Zayn is getting closer to Louis. "Not when you are being absurd." He says loud enough to everyone to hear but then he makes Louis look at him, saying quietly. "Learn to hear the others first and even if they did something, it's none of your business." Zayn says and it's not soft, is far from that, it matches his words perfectly, it matches Louis' feelings perfectly.

"What were you two doing in there then?" He asks the two guys, who are speaking on the back.

Niall looks at him and it's such a mess, it's an apologetic, understandable, protective and tired look. But he doesn't speak, instead, Zayn does. "I told them to stay last night. Everyone went away, you were pissed drunk, Liam disappeared so I was left alone with Harry because Niall passed out. We couldn't carry him all the way downstairs and since he came with Harry I told him that they could stay." Zayn clarifies and somehow, he looks mad. And it's not only because they woke him up.

"Of course." It's all Louis says, his tone still raspy and it's only coming out this way because he is stubborn and doesn't like to feel humiliated. Louis hates it and now he realises what he did, what he has been doing and thinking. Harry is looking at him in such disappointment and Louis fears that look, it has been chasing him through his path and it doesn't let him go. It's attached to him, he feels like that look is part of him now. It pisses him off, this feeling... But he has been so in the darkness, so used to this emptiness that there is no way to fill it... Because, unintentionally, he doesn't allow it to.

"Louis, I'm sorry there's no need of us being arguing right now." Harry speaks. Niall is still touching Harry, Louis' pupils dilate with the vision, Harry is playing with his fingers next to his body and Louis notices how uncomfortable he feels right now.

The older boy shakes his head. "Don't be sorry." He spits, not knowing why he is still being so cold. But why did he ever think that way about Harry? Why did he put that conclusion right away? Why did he act like an asshole? It seems like he is making everything to people not like him and not to make things all right.

He walks backwards, Louis wants to run away (he is good at it), maybe jump out of the window and fly. He sees those three people looking at him and the room is spinning, he feels like vomiting and he remembers he is suffering from a painful hangover. Then Zayn shouts "Louis!" Giving a step forward and Louis feels more pain.

"Fuck!" He whines, the three boys run towards him but only Harry really catches, preventing him to fall and to step more on the broken glass on the floor from last night when Liam let the glasses fall from his hands. "Why would that shit be there?" Louis whimpers with his eyes tightly shut, raising his left feet up in the air when sits on the couch.

"It's from last night, we didn't clean it up." Zayn desperately explains crouching himself in front of Louis while Harry does the same helping him to lift his feet up.

"Mate, are you okay? Shit it's bleeding it's fucking bleeding I'll, it's-"

"Shut up!" Louis shouts, interrupting Niall's panic while grabbing the edge of the couch due the pain.

"He feels sick when sees blood." Harry defends the Irish lad and Louis would roll his eyes if he wasn't focusing on his feet.

"Just help me," he grits out through his teeth due the burning feeling.

"Zayn get me some bandages, a tweezers and a wet cloth, please." Harry quickly asks for, then examining Louis' wounds. Zayn nods and runs away from there quickly. "You are lucky it was only on your left foot."

"Lucky? You call this luck? It hurts like hell." Louis says, eyes a bit wet looking up at Harry still raising his foot by his ankle.

"Dude, too much blood on the floor. Too much blood." Niall says running out from there, probably to the bathroom to throw up.

"Calm down, will you?" Harry says louder. He finally speaks up, when Louis keeps moving and groaning. He looks at him surprised and then Harry sighs. "Just, for once."

"Yes, because I'm never calm, right? And now, now that I have fucking glass on my foot and am bleeding... Sorry for freaking out." He remarks mad and Harry clenches his jaw and tights his grip in his ankle.

Zayn appears with everything Harry previously asked for, not letting the small argument continue. "Here." The hazel eyed guy says setting all the stuff on the floor.

"Thanks." Harry says not even looking at him and ignoring Louis' gaze on his skin. "I'm gonna take the glass really quick and then just clean it up and put the bandage, yeah?"

Louis nods, biting his lip. Zayn goes cleaning up the floor from the glass, preventing someone to hurt as well while Harry does what he said. Louis feels like a girl by the way he screams and groans in pain "I'm going to pass out!" He whimpers, eyes wide open when feels Harry touching with the tweezers on the wound. "You are going so deep, please stop." He keeps yelling and grabbing the fabric from the couch. "It hurts! It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!"

Harry laughs, rolling his eyes. "I'm not even touching it now, Louis"

"You are lying. Please stop, I'm going to pass out, no kidding, Harry."

"Louis," he laughs again, keeping Louis foot still. "Lay on the couch or I won't be able to take off the rest."

"There's more? You literally took a huge glass from there. There's blood everywhere."

"Don't be so whiny Louis. The wound is small, and the piece was minuscule." The younger guy sighs in amusement, still looking down on the plant from his foot.

"Be gentle please. Oh my god." Louis says not really laying down as said and making his best to see Harry taking the piece from the wound while telling himself not to look.

"I'm almost done." Harry hides his smile and Louis is sure not feeling the tiny strokes on his ankle. "You are still such a pussy in these things Louis. Remember that one time when you cut yourself in the kitchen with a knife, but it was like the tiniest cut ever but you looked like crying and made me go buy bandages at 8pm even though I had no way to do it." He starts with the biggest smile, continuing attentive to what he is doing instead of looking at Louis.

And Louis, who should notice it all, doesn't. "And then I punched you and it started bleeding more? Yeah, let's not." He says half annoyed, half in amusement. Harry just laughs more, Zayn tells them that he is going to check on Niall but they probably don't hear it. And really,  _Louis,_ _see what is happening._

"Voila!" Harry puts the tweezers at the side and grabs the wet cloth.

"What? Is it done?" Louis asks confused and trying to look up, oblivious from the pain.

"Yes," he answers chuckling. "It didn't hurt, did it you dramatic person?" He says pressing the cloth on the wound and cleaning up the blood.

"Ah, now it hurts!" He tries to release his foot from Harry's hands, sweating already like last night, but Harry gives him a look, keeping him shut and still.

He puts the bandage around Louis' foot carefully and Louis lets himself being taken care of by Harry. Being, for the first time, the one having the bandages put around him. He doesn't want to know how Harry got so good at this whole thing.

"Done." He finishes, cleaning the blood from the floor and putting all the stuff he used on top of the coffee table. He sits next to Louis while the smaller man sees the state from his foot. "One to ten, how much does it hurt?"

"It was an eight before, for like, ten seconds now it's just a four." He confesses not daring to look at Harry. "Thank you."

Harry nods. "It's okay. Be more careful next time."

They fall into silence. An awkward and uncomfortable silence. Louis bites his nails, making his best not to touch his foot on the floor and Harry looks around.

"This place looks a mess."

"I'm sorry." Louis says at the same time as Harry, both looking at each other then. The blue eyed guy sighs and looks up at the ceiling. "I was still a bit drunk." He sadly laughs, laughs at himself, laughs at how pathetic this sentence is. "Fuck, I've been giving this excuse for so long now. But I'm truly sorry for what I said Harry." He looks back at him, meeting a pair of green eyes. "I'm pathetic okay? I'm not asking for a discount and to forget what I said and did to you... Not only today but yesterday as well..."

_You know nothing, you hear me? You don't even know me, you can't know what I'm_ _feeling_

_But I don't want you here..._

Because Louis remembers, he remembers small bits of last time even if he wished he didn't. He always remembers the bad things, always.

"It's okay." Harry answers and Louis freezes. Looking at the half stranger in a way that words can't describe. Harry said those words two words. Said those words and for Louis they mean,  _it's okay for people to hurt me._ _Or treat me badly._

Louis wants to say those good and big words of his, tell him a poem, tell him the truth and showing (again) how wrong it is to feel this way but he doesn't. Instead, he looks back at his lap and regrets everything he did in his life.

"I just don't want it to be this way. Between us. So hard and as if talking to each other is a burden."

"Is it a burden for you?" Louis asks doubly, his eyes finding their way to the man's features again.

"No. No, it's not. It's just a bit weird but I think it's normal. We need to get to know each other,"  _I don't know you_ _"_ I don't know, just, we can't fight this way. Okay?"

"Okay." Louis agrees. Harry says something under his breathe but Louis can't hear it. He doesn't have the courage to make him say it again.

"There's a lot of things I still want to ask you." Harry says then.

"I can't answer it right now."

"Will you one day?" They aren't looking at each other, even though Louis wants to know how Harry expression looks like because he can't...  _He can't._

"Yes." It's Louis' simple answer.

~*~

Christmas' break ends soon then and it takes Louis some time to realise that it's the beginning of January and they are starting a new year. A lot changed actually and even if, for Louis, this kind of celebrations mean nothing, he needs to admit that this year will be a lot different from last one.

The snow is falling already, the air is way too cold, the students look the same, Louis looks the same, he still lives with Zayn, he is still in London so that's the same. But there's a small difference that changes everything.

_Harry._

He found Harry. He remembers when he used to say that if someone took Harry away from him he would go after him, he would find him... And he did. He thinks about it, even though he tries to show the otherwise, he thinks about the promises they made that were forgotten or were broken, this one made it through. It's still sad because young Louis would never imagine that he would need to look after young Harry, that somehow, along their way, they would follow different paths, they would get hurt.

So this is still something that sometimes makes Louis stop whatever he is doing to think about it. To think about the stars, he doesn't see them but,  _the stars are in your eyes,_ _Lou._

"Did Liam answer your calls already?" Louis asks Zayn, two weeks after school starts, right in the morning when they are getting ready for work. They aren't late, Louis has been putting his own alarm. Sometimes he is already awake.

"No, he didn't." Zayn sighs after finishing his coffee (with too much sugar).

"What's up with him? Do you think something happened?"

"I don't know." Zayn shrugs, getting his jacket from the couch. "But we see him at school and the other day I saw him coming to the building but he went talking with Delilah."

"Delilah?" Louis asks, eyes going wide. "Like Delilah, the pink haired girl, Delilah our neighbour?"

"That Delilah." He nods

"Do you think they have a case?" Louis asks, face showing his interest from the subject, picking his keys from the balcony.

Zayn follows him to the hall, so they open the door to get out. "None of our business. But I think he is avoiding us." He says somehow a bit annoyed by it.

"It doesn't make sense we haven't done anything wrong." Louis says, casually getting in on the elevator not letting the man that was first waiting for it, having his turn. Zayn sighs, shaking his head due it, letting him go before him since the man’s face doesn't show much happiness; and then walking next to Louis.

"Well, have you talked to him, yet? I don't think so." They continue the conversation while the lift goes down, not stopping any time –  _thank you very much. "_ He has been in silence since the new year’s party."

"Maybe he is just busy." Louis says, having doubts about what he is really saying.

"Anyway. I've been talking to Niall." Zayn says when they walk out of the elevator to the door from the building, to find the car outside.

"Zayn, seriously?!" Louis rolls his eyes. "Great change of subject." He applauds showing his irony.

"No comments." Zayn rolls his eyes once again. "He is great you know? Really friendly, good lad to have a laugh with and he works in a pretty cool music shop."

"Wonderful to know." Louis smiles. "I just didn't ask for anything." Louis gets the keys and opens the car when they reach it, looking at the time on his wrist and mentally doing the maths to know how long it's going to take them to reach work, with the traffic.

 _8am,_ _this is no time to be awake,_ he thinks and they have twenty minutes to reach school. Still have time.

"Stop being childish." Zayn climbs to the passenger seat and Louis scoffs with his comment. "What I'm trying to ask you in here is if you've been talking to Harry." Louis freezes, before starting the car.

"I've been a bit busy, but he texted me a few times. So yeah, a little."

"He texted you? You never did?" Louis finds easy to ignore Zayn, now he is driving he needs to focus. He can't have this conversation, but it's Zayn who we are talking about, he won't let his subject go that soon.

"No."  _You didn't want me here, did you?_

"Why?" Louis only shrugs, turning the wheel to the right.

"Don't you want this to work, Louis? Honestly."

"I want to." He answers controlling himself not to turn on the radio so the conversation stops. "But it's hard, it's weird and when I look at him..." He sighs and stops the car when they get on a red traffic light. "I don't know if I'm ready for this. Especially when things are going this way."

"Does he seem ready for you?" Louis looks at Zayn for a moment before looking forward again noticing that the police is sorting the traffic because of  **the**  snow and they didn't really stop because of the traffic light.

"That's the thing, he does. He does feel ready. He talks so casually, he sends a message just asking me how am I today, or just saying hi or asking me when we are coming over to the coffee shop again. It's weird because it isn't normal."

Zayn sighs loudly and Louis keeps his hands on the wheel, his knuckles turning white and his fingers a bit purple. Zayn offers him the gloves he has on the side of the car's door and he accepts it, putting them on. "Just don't think Louis. What does your mom say to you? Do what **makes** you happy, right?!" Louis nods briefly. "Then do it. You used to do it so easily, what changes now?"

_Everything._

"Invite him to go see your play at the school today." Zayn continues.

"He wouldn't go. Do you think... God he wouldn't." Louis shakes his head.

"I'm ninety nine percent sure he would say yes."

"What happened to that one percent?" Louis smirks looking at him from the corner of his eye when the queue stars moving slowly.

"If you don't invite him, he won't go."

"So funny." Louis laughs a little but stops, he isn't really in the mood to.

"What do you expect from Harry?" Louis frowns and looks at Zayn completely. He looks too much time till they hear a car honking from behind for him to move.

"What do you mean?"

"In four months, or a year maybe, what do you expect from him? What do you want to be for him? Where do you see you two?"

Louis takes time to answer. The car in front of him drives away, he stops, looks at the officer and drives away as well. Slowly.

"His friend. I want him to be present in my life."

~*~

"Hello?"

"Louis? Hi."

"Hey Harry," Louis chuckles, noticing how surprised Harry's voice sounds when he picks up the phone.

"Are you working?"

"No, it's my day off." He answers and Louis knew the answer he just asked to pretend the otherwise.

"Ah good." He hits with his nails above the piano from the room. "Erm, listen I called to ask you something. I mean kind of, it's not really asking. I think. But it implies a question, but I think Zayn once told me that cannot be a question, it can –“

"Hey Louis." Harry chuckles and Louis falls into silence. He can listen to voices from the other side, he bets Harry is just watching TV or something. "Calm down." He has been listening to this too many times, but this time Harry's voice sounds softer. Although it sounds huskier on the phone.

"Right," Louis says. "Today we are going to have a play here at school with my students and, erm, do you want to come? It's open to everyone."

"Oh." He sounds even more surprised. "Do you really want me to go?" He sounds unsure and Louis can't blame him, sure, but he is asking so it can only mean that Louis wants him to come.

"I think." Harry sighs from the other side. "Yeah." Louis corrects himself.

"What time?"

"Nine."

"All right." Harry says in enthusiasm.

"Really? Great. I will text you the place, it's going to be on the auditorium from the school." Harry hums as an understanding. "You can bring your, hum, Niall."

"I will bring my Niall then." Harry laughs loudly, Louis not really getting the joke. "I'm just not sure if he is working by that time. I will let you know."

Louis hears the bell ringing "Okay then. I need to go back to work now, see you tonight."

"See you tonight, Louis." Louis isn't sure but he can almost tell that he hears a smile on his voice before hanging up, but then again, can you hear a smile?

Not really.

~*~

"You were all amazing." Louis smiles at his students, all still with their costumes and makeup, after playing Romeo and Juliet. "I'm really proud of our team work, especially when the play wasn't made on the traditional way. You were all really responsible with your hard work, only four months of training. I expect the play from the end of the year being even better. No mistakes allowed. I know you can all do it and I'm going to make sure to help you all and we will start soon so we can have more time." He finishes, looking at his students with the glow in their eyes. They are proud and grateful, this is what Louis loves to see. He felt so anxious during the whole play, probably more than them but everything was worth it. He feels so naturally good, so brave after seeing his and his students' work being shown to everyone... Listening to the applauses makes Louis miss a lot of things but he is going to stay here to listen to them, he is going to let that sound invade him.

"Miss Lawrence is going to give you some water bottles then you can go dress your normal clothes and celebrate, you all deserve it." Louis smiles and some students go talk to him before leaving and he feels pleased with it, he belongs here, they like his work, he matters for them because they all share the same passion.

"Thank you Mr Tomlinson." Jonathan is the last one coming to Louis, they share smiles and Louis squeezes his shoulder friendly.

"No problem kid, you all did most of this by yourself."

"Not really. You helped us a lot, sir. And I'm not only speaking for myself."

"Thank you for your words." Louis nods, smiling warmly. "How have you been by the way?"

"Better, what about you sir?"

"I'm better too." He keeps smiling. Jonathan looks around before continuing.

"Dylan came to see me tonight."

"Really? Are you two okay now?"

"We are working on it." And Louis wants to laugh because this is actually funny. He also wants to share with the boy that Harry came to see the play as well (he hopes) and they are trying to make everything work. There's hope. There's hope and Louis wants to believe in it so badly. "I will make sure to tell you when we are completely good. Maybe tell you what really happened."

Louis nods "Take your time. I want you okay kid."

"Thank you, Mr Tomlinson." Jonas smiles. "Remember that there's always hope and that we can't keep looking at the floor, what we want to see is right there. In front of us." The green eyed boy smiles and Louis looks behind his shoulder and sees. Sees other green eyes looking at him, they are warm, they shine making the stars from Louis' eyes being nothing because those eyes... Those eyes have the sun in them.

Louis smiles and he doesn't know where did it came from because he was sure that he was smiling previously already.

"You are right kid." Louis says, not looking at him. The boy looks behind him, seeing the man Louis is looking at.

"Of course I am sir." He jokes and Louis looks back at him for an instant to laugh. "I gotta go now. See you on Monday." He waves and walks away while Harry walks towards Louis.

He bites his lip while Louis chews the inside of his cheek. "Hi. How did you get in here?"

"I came with Zayn, he went talking to some of the students, apparently." Louis nods and notices that Niall really didn't come, because he was going to work till late tonight,  _he is very sorry though,_ _he truly wanted to come._

"Thank you for coming, it's really important." He says, words trailing over his tongue easily. Harry's face lights up and he smiles, that dimple popping out on his cheek. Skin looking so soft and crystal.

"Your students are really talented, Zayn told me how hard you all worked."

"Really hard." Louis adjusts his glasses up to his nose, they are bothering him so much.

"And you are back at wearing glasses." Harry grins and Louis can almost see the times Harry told him to use them, at least for school because it was when he needed them more, he can see the times Harry handed them to him when they used to study, cleaning them for him.

"I’m wearing them more often now."

Out of sudden and out of context perhaps Harry brings his arms around Louis' body, giving him a tight and quick hug, but long enough to say "I'm proud of what you achieved."

"I achieved nothing." Louis says, composing his shirt when Harry pulls away, a bit shocked with the gesture.

"Yes you did. Years ago I was congratulating you from your play when you did Danny Zuko, at school and now I'm congratulating you for the play you directed."

"Still at school." He sighs and Harry's smile fades away.

"It might be a start of something beautiful." He smiles again and Louis can only chuckles with his smug expression.

"All right, I'm good for now." He pulls his hair backwards. "We need to hang out someday. This weekend or something." He suggest not looking directly at the tall man, whose smile turns brighter and bigger.

"Yeah, okay. I can also bring one of my friends from the café, who you didn't meet yet." Louis raises his eyebrow and then understands.  
  
"Oh, yes sure. You already met my friends so. I will talk to Liam as well, he has been a bit busy though I don't know if he will make it." Louis continues trying not to show his disappointment. Of course they will invite their whole friends. They have different friends now. They are still half strangers. They are older now, they won't hang out at home watching movies and talking for hours. "But Zayn will go."

"Niall too. He doesn't have to work tomorrow and I only work till the end of the afternoon on Saturdays so we can meet after dinner." Louis smiles and nods in agreement.

He sees Zayn walking towards them so he smiles. He congratulates him, hugging him and kissing his forehead, Louis notices the way Harry looks at them. He notices that it isn't the same way he looks at Harry and Niall, because Harry doesn't care.

_He doesn't care._

 

~*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » is this chapter any good? well, next one will be really special so get ready (i'm really excited)   
> what did you understand when it is said that harry doesn't care? why do you think louis said he isn't ready?


	13. Cage

~*~

Louis sees how much his body has changed when he wants to wear a shirt that when he was twenty it fit him perfectly and now it just doesn't. He lost weight, maybe gain a bit more muscle, he doesn't have that small belly he used to (even though he drinks now and when he had it, he didn't), his collar bones are a bit more salient, his arms look stronger but in general he looks a bit tinier. Louis doesn't hate himself, he likes what he sees in the mirror, he isn't unhealthy, he is fine but he can't stop but think how he changed. His face, he has a beard now, his hair... Even his eyes. He wears a pair of dark jeans with a sweater, his jacket and a beanie and when he looks at himself, he doesn't see Louis Tomlinson from Doncaster. Maybe London changed him – he just got older.

He sighs with his usual strange thoughts, shuts the window from his room, unwraps a menthol gum to chew it and puts a bit of perfume. Even his smell changed. And he still has the guts to say that Harry isn’t Harry anymore, he can't even imagine what the green eyed guy thought at first when he saw him.

"Zayn, are you ready?" Louis asks knocking at Zayn's room door. He takes a step back when the dark haired guy opens the door, revealing himself wearing his best outfit, his pair of doc martens, his jeans and his leather jacket. Simple, but very Zayn. His hair isn't in a quiff this time, making Louis realise that is getting long pretty quick.

"I am but can you try to call Liam again, please?" He asks and sounds tired, as if that whole subject is making him a bit down.

"Did you try it already?" Louis asks raising his eyebrow.

"Yes, just before dinner. It didn't go to voicemail, he saw it and denied the call." Zayn sighs.

"I'm gonna try it." Louis had given up on it the other day because it wasn't working, it always went to voicemail and if Liam doesn't want their company, fine. If it happened something and he wants to be alone, Louis respects it. But it's been weeks now and Louis recognises how annoyed by it Zayn is getting.

He finds Liam's number in his contacts and dials it. Louis sees Zayn offering him a small smile before disappearing into the bathroom. It rings four times till Liam finally picks up.

"Oh, did you hit the wrong button or did you just forgot that you were supposed to ignore me?" Louis spits right away when hears Liam breathing from the other side. He walks towards the living room and kitchen's door, not focused on those actions at the moment.

There's silence and Louis is about to protest again when Liam speaks. "Hi, Louis." Louis almost forgot his calm tone of voice really.

"Hello dear Liam, how have you been this past weeks, since, I don't know we haven't talked?! Weird, hum?" Silence. "I'm really curious about what you have to say so I'll repeat myself." He clears his throat. "How have you been?"

"I'm good."

"Just good? Don't you have anything else to say?"

"How have you been, Louis?" His voice is kind of weak, or maybe just a bit shaking.

"I'm good."

"Just good?" Louis can tell he is teasing but Louis won't allow it yet.

So he sighs loudly. "Listen Liam, what the fuck happened to you?" Silence again. But just for some seconds.

"I'm sorry. I can't tell you."

"You can't tell me?" He remarks, harshly, but then takes his fingers through his hair and sighs again, in frustration. "Fair enough. But are you mad at us?"

"Not mad. Maybe something else." He admits.

"Well it's killing me, Liam. And Zayn too, he is tired of this. You are avoiding us and we can't manage to think about what we did wrong, mate."

"I know. I'm sorry. This is really stupid." He chuckles from the other side.

"Well then stop it. Enough of ignoring us, let's go back to normal. God knows what changed it, but can you stop being  _something else_  at us and hang out tonight?"

"You are going to hang out?"

"Yes dumbass, it's Saturday, isn't it a lovely night for it? We step outside and freeze our asses. Anything is better than that."

"I'm not sure if you are being ironic there."

"I'm Louis, when am I not being ironic?"

"When you take a shit, probably." Liam laughs and Louis smiles at it.

"You can never be sure of that, my friend." Liam laughs louder now, making Louis doing the same. "Laughing messes up with my moves shit face, please stop."

"Okay, okay." He tries to stop but Louis listens to his unsteady breathing and then he is snorting and chuckling.

"Anyway." He tries not to start again. "Are you coming or what?"

"Yeah, I am. Why not? Kinda miss hanging out just the three of us." Louis sighs in relief and then Zayn appears in front of him so Louis gives him a thumbs up, making signal that everything is going okay.

"Oh but tonight it will be different. Harry and Niall are going, I think they will also bring another friend." Louis informs. "Is that okay for you?"

"Yes, sure. Can I bring Andy? You know, from the party?"

"Of course. Do you want us to invite Delilah as well? I don't know we could all make another party." Louis jokes and Zayn frowns looking at him.

"De -Delilah?" Liam stutters

"We saw you coming to her flat while you were avoiding us. Is there anything rolling?"

"What? No, erm, we are just friends Louis... And she's busy tonight so –“

"Oh you know her routine and everything. How sweet?" Louis laughs and Liam sighs deeply from the other side.

"I'll hang up now. Text me where we are going so I'll drive there."

"Okay, see you love bird." Louis laughs again and doesn't wait for a response when is the one hanging up.

"He is coming with us?" Zany asks, bowing his brow, leaned against the couch.

"Yup, apparently he was  _something else than mad_ at us and decided to ignore us. I will make him explain somehow, let's just feel accomplished because things might be okay again."

~*~

"Always fucking late." Louis mutters, warming his hands up with his hot breathe coming from his parted lips. They are waiting outside the bar that they are supposed to go, Liam and Andy are already with them (they haven't talk much) and Zayn is next to him, shoving his hands on his pockets.

"Do you want me to bring your gloves from the car?" Zayn asks looking at the blue eyed man trying to snuggle in his own jacket.

"Not, it's fine, love." Louis smiles at him, but still gets closer because Zayn, somehow, always feels warmer. "They are probably coming, Harry sent me a text just a couple of minutes ago."

"Now I see why you are always late." Zayn laughs a bit but then stops right away looking at Louis staring at the white path covered in snow. "I'm sorry."

Louis shakes his head, a small smile appearing. "I was actually the one always in time, always protesting about him being late and doing things slowly, not caring about the hours." Louis laughs a bit, the memories making their appearance.

"Your teenage years are a plot twist for me, you know it." Zayn chuckles and brings his arm around Louis' shoulder to comfort him and making him warm.

Seconds later they look up and see a blonde haired guy running towards them, with a grin on his face. Then he slips on the snow, hitting with his bum on the floor and they see Harry going to his rescue, helping him to stand up from the clod and dirty floor. They see Niall smiling at the taller boy, whose hands are still on his arms and then he releases himself to keep walking towards the group. This time just in a faster pass.

Another silhouette appears to walk closer to them, locking arms with Harry and  _what the fuck,_ _is this all a game that people made to annoy Louis because_ _he is_ _losing his mind._

"Hello lads." Niall smiles and while he just shares a smile with Liam and Andy, he goes straight to hug Zayn, Louis is forced to step away to watch the scene with a frown. Like,  _are you for real._

Harry appears then, his arms crossed against his chest, wearing another different winter coat –  _that why does it has make him look so cute_ _–_ with a friendly smile on his face and oh okay, the same pretty girl with wonderful blonde hair from the café is the one with her arms locked with him. Harry waves and says  _hi_  to everyone as well, with no particular difference in his tone of voice. He just looks a little longer at Louis but that's it – and that's enough to make Louis feel sick.

"Sorry if we are late, I needed to pick Niall up and that's a tough task." Harry jokes making Niall slap him on the arm, no one really gets the reference but Andy laughs anyway. "This is Stella, our friend, who works with us." Harry introduces her, a smile on his plumped lips, now more due the cold and a bit purple.

"Hello!" she says in her sweet voice and Louis already knew her, he liked her so now he just needs to keep liking.

"I think this isn't the first time we see each other." Zayn is the one talking first, stepping forward to give her two kisses in her cheek.

"I reckon that it is not. But I don't know your name." She smiles, her accent is pretty strong and Louis can tell that it is as strong as her personality.

"Zayn. My name is Zayn." Louis rolls his eyes and chuckles, noticing how Zayn pronounces his name correctly and slowly so there's no doubts. He usually isn't this careful. "This is Louis, Liam and Andy." He introduces the rest, Stella smiles at them and Louis notices how Niall looks at her attentively, almost like Louis noticed already watching him looking at Harry.

"Should we go?" Liam is the one interrupting, taking a step towards the entry from the bar. Everyone nods and follow each other.

"How are you?" Harry asks, getting too close from Louis, his voice low.

"I am good?" He says, not wanting it to sound like a question, he is just taken by surprise with it. "What about you?" Harry only nods and smiles as an answer.

When they get inside the bar it isn't as crowed as Louis wished it to be, which doesn't mean it  _isn't_ crowed, because it is. But people can still breathe, move and the few lights don't make it look like they are stepping into the darkness. It's nice, Niall chose it well.

They first get to know the place, they find a table for everyone and Niall tells a few stories that have happened to him (which might include Harry in some, of course.) Louis is sat far from him, he is between Zayn and Andy. Zayn isn't giving him much attention now since he found his interest for the night and he could stick up with Andy but he seems interested in every history being told. Harry is laughing along with Niall and Liam is just supporting his head on his hand. Louis feels like dying, honestly. He should have moved to Peru, changed his name and study to be a doctor when he first had the chance before going to college in London.

Seeing things like this, a lot would be different. Well, everything would.

He looks at Harry, his green eyes a bit darker and his dimples showing and then notices Zayn calling for his attention just to smile at him as an  _okay._ He is glad he did what he did instead of traveling to South America.

"Who wants some drinks?" Louis suggests, standing up from his seat and probably interrupting what Niall was saying, but he wasn't really listening to, which makes him feel a little bad because he feels like he is being a bit unfair with the young fellow. "I can pay the first round. But just the first because I'm poor and have a family to raise." He jokes.

"Yeah right. You only raise yourself, in that subject is like I don't exist in your life." Zayn comments, looking up at him.

"Don't be so selfish, Zayn." Louis smirks and hears Stella making some more questions about Zayn, which he answers to with much interest. "Liam, buddy, are you coming with me?" Liam wakes up from his trance and looks at Louis nodding (does he even know what they are talking about?).

"I will as well." Harry smiles and stands up. "If that's okay." He makes sure, looking at Louis.

"Sure." He says and the three walk away from the table from the corner – it’s really cool with big couches instead of chairs – after Louis grabbing his wallet from his jacket.

They try to walk between the close bodies from the people on the dance floor (Louis likes this ambient but he keeps asking himself if a man at his age should be here, of course he is just dramatizing and being stupid.) They get on the balcony and wait for their turn.

"Choose you, you always have good taste in this." Louis says, resting his hand on Liam's back. "But pick a strong drink, I think we all need it." Louis whispers and Liam rolls his eyes but still smiles a bit, showing that he understands it more than Louis first thought he would.

He also feels Harry's green eyes on him, maybe observing his movements like Louis did when he drove him home the first time they talked nicely. The hug Harry gave him – asked for, back then still makes him shiver. Because fucking hell it was amazing. So warm, so comfortable so what Louis needed by that time. He thought he wouldn't be held by those arms anymore after these years and now here he is, with Harry next to him and wasting the time they are together thinking too much.

Louis meets Harry's eyes and he smiles like he would smile friendly at someone in the corridor from school. And there he is, thinking. Really,  _off with his head_.

Louis almost wants to cut his tongue out from his mouth when he said he would pay for this round. It's a drink for each one, seven people, it's kind of expensive consuming this in London.

Also, Louis is dumb as fuck. And he needs to buy a new wallet. He feels Harry's eyes on him but even though he doesn't think about what he is possibly looking at. Liam notices it too, but he is probably so used to it since he already saw Louis opening his wallet in front of him a lot of times. He pays for the drinks and the bartender turns around to prepare it and put them on a tray.

"You..." Harry starts and Louis looks up at him confused. "You kept... You have it on... Still?" He trails off, his face kinda showing how shocked he is and Louis is sure he sees some type of emotions that weren't supposed to be there right now.

"Man, sorry what are you..." He stops.  _Shit._

"I can't believe it." Louis can't even tell, by the way he talks, what Harry is feeling.

Liam is looking attentively at them and how is Louis going g to explain the picture he has on his wallet with Liam next to them?  _The picture._ The one Louis took with his Polaroid camera kissing Harry, the one it was offered to Harry so he couldn't forget about them, the one he decided to give back at Louis because he wrote  _I will always remember,_ on the back of it as a way to say fucking goodbye. The one thing Louis decided to save from Harry just to show that he wouldn't forget as well. Stupid, stupid act.

Louis gulps in dry. "Listen, I -"

"Can you two carry the drinks to them? Yeah, you can. I just need to go to the bathroom... And I will, erm, go to the table." Harry turns away and Louis only whispers  _fuck._ He sees his back disappearing into the crowd, he feels Liam touching his arm, but he doesn't want that touch. He doesn’t need that touch. His eyes are empty, his blue eyes are an ocean with no waves.

It's going to be a long night.

~*~

It is a long actually. It seems like it has no end. He only paid for the first round to everyone yes, but it doesn't mean he didn't pay for his own rounds. For the first time he looks at the side and sees someone as drunk (or more) than him. And who would say that someone would be Liam?

His bloodshot eyes are focused on the small glass in his hands but he’s speaking directly at Louis. They aren't sat on the table anymore that would be just a burden. They are sat close to the counter in those small chairs that rotate, so it’s easier for them to ask for the drinks. Louis promised himself that he wouldn't drink more, he can't count his as well as he can't count how many fingers he has in his hands without saying something he shouldn't. However Liam keeps asking for more and who is the blue eyed guy to tell him off.

"Andy is great." Liam sighs not really finishing his sentence from previously, probably doesn't recall what they (he) were talking about.

"Thanks man." Andy says, who is sat next to him and they didn't even notice nor paid much attention at. "But you sure won't drink more this isn't something you go out and say like this." He jokes but still has a bit of seriousness in his tone.

"You are too, Louis." He sounds like he is whining and crying for his life. That's Louis' job not Liam's. They changed roles, Louis is being the quiet drunk type who just stares into the distance and thinks about weird and sad things. Not necessarily at the same time.

"I am what?" They finally look at each other after a long time talking and drinking. Hours and people around forgotten.

"Nice. You are nice."

"Oh, thanks." He smiles, not really knowing why. "Not the best compliment I received but still thanks."

"You are welcome." Liam grins. Andy mutters something next to them excusing himself for a bit and warning them not to kill anyone. They don't listen. "Zayn is nice too." Louis sighs in annoyance this time with Liam's comment, but then ends up laughing at it. "No really, I'm being serious. He is nice. He is more than nice really." Liam continues looking at where Zayn is. Louis sees too, he is dancing with Stella, he is kissing her neck and she passes her hands through his body, slowly. Louis looks away but Liam keeps staring. "And you know how nice he is. You know so well Louis."

"I do." Louis answers, not having much strength to listen to Liam's answer if he asks what he means by it.

"He treats you so well. I wish I could have someone to treat me that way."

"Stop it Liam, you are killing me with this conversation." Louis groans and supports his head on the palm of his hand, taking his empty glass between his lips just to check if there's any drop of alcohol left.

"Sorry I just need to speak right now." He pauses. "I feel so alone Louis." Louis rolls his eyes. "It's true." Liam whimpers and Louis is feeling his blood boiling, his adrenaline rising and a violent feeling growing up. "You have Zayn, you so have Zayn. Like, you even have a flat with him. I live alone with my dirty laundry and school books. I live for myself really."

"I wished I could live for myself sometimes." Louis confesses

"Don't. It eats you alive."

"I know that feeling already so it's still okay." Liam shakes his head with Louis interjection.

"You don't understand." Liam continues and Louis shrugs. "You have so many reasons to feel happy. So many to just want to wake up in the morning."

"I'm already awake." Louis chuckles, again, not knowing why.

"You kissed Zayn, Louis." Liam says out of sudden. It catches Louis attention, who quickly turns his body fully around to look at Liam. "You kissed him do you have any idea how... You..." He fights to find the words and Louis just wants to tell him to finish it but it'd be useless. "That's the reason behind I felt something else at you two. Mad, I felt mad."

"How so?" Louis raises his eyebrow. "We just kissed it's not like it matters."

"It matters to me." He whispers under his breathe, the music too loud to let Louis hear it completely.

"Look at him rubbing against that girl." Louis points at them. "He is a hundred percent not gay, so don't worry."

"That's not it." Liam says now loudly.

"Then what is it?"

Louis notices Zayn whispering something in the girl’s ear and then holding her hand to walk away from the bar. Well…

"Do you love him?" Liam asks and Louis starts laughing, thinking how easy it was for him to say that, to just  _think._ Damn he is drunk but this is too funny and intricate not to think about.

"I don't do love. I don't love people. I just don't feel that Liam." He keeps laughing and Liam looks at the man terrific, his eyes showing just what Louis wants him to feel. “Love is something I gave up on. I can’t… I can’t feel it.”

“Why?” Liam looks at him confused and Louis wants to see him falling off from the chair by the way he rotates it with his body to look at him. Louis doesn’t answer, not because he doesn’t want it – well kind of – but because he just doesn’t know really well how to. His brain isn’t working. Liam gets it so “Is it because of the guy from the café? Harry?” he points at Harry who is on the other side of the counter – far, far away – with Niall, of fucking course.

Louis frowns, he didn’t hear it right. Liam is just too drunk, it’s the loud music, he is just going insane and is still mad with Louis – apparently because he and Zayn kissed – and wants revenge. What a beautiful revenge because Louis feels like a little rat now.

“Excuse me?”

“Is it because of Harry?” He repeats, not getting how Louis is feeling by listening to those words.

_Is it because of Harry?_

Probably. Definitely. But Louis never really thought about it. Stopped to think about that detail and decided that he couldn’t feel love.  _Because of Harry._ It’s not bullshit, it’s not something he just tries to avoid and pretends not to feel it. He just can’t. As simple as that.

He met a lot of people at college, some of them had crushes on him and he got along with them so well. He even snogged them. Just the boys. And he liked it. He liked kissing, he liked that small act of brushing lips, gentle touches or sometimes a bit more rushed and full of lust. He could even feel wanted, could listen to their words, the words they whispered complimenting him, telling him what he was for them in their lives. They were his friends. He liked them. But he didn’t love them. He didn’t love anyone. He couldn’t feel a single thing. He went all the way, he tried but he didn’t get what he wanted. To feel love for someone.

He felt it once, he misses that feeling because it went away through the years. Without a warning it faded, just like Harry left his life, the feelings, later on, left him too. That was the saddest thing Louis had to be faced with. It was a challenged to one day sit on the edge of his bed, after a long day, looking up at the light from his bedroom’s lamp and think  _I don’t love Harry anymore_. And he had sure. He was fucking sure that those feelings weren’t the same now that those feelings he swore he’d feel forever that would be truthful to himself forever, would ever be able to leave. Leave for good. And fucking shit, they were gone now. And Louis felt a bit free at first but then it hit him. It hit him because they were supposed to stay, he promised a forever to that love story, but that forever was so small, it wasn’t enough.

So he cried. He cried because he thought about what Harry would feel, would think if he told him,  _I don’t love you anymore._ It wasn’t right, it’d hurt him. However, the second part was even more painful. What if Harry didn’t love him as well? And what if Harry realised it sooner? It shattered Louis.

So he felt sad. He feels sad. He has so many people to love but it’s like he isn’t able to do it. It crushes him, it makes him mad, he disappointed himself, he disappointed them. So when he hears his mother or Zayn telling him  _I love you,_ it just… it’s an indescribable feeling that hits his soul, hard and painful. It grabs his bones and locks him in a cage and he can’t get out. He is hungry but no one feeds him.

“How do you know it?” Louis asks dumbfounded. Liam can’t know this. No one is supposed to.

“Zayn told me. About you and him. It crushed you, hum?” Liam says as if that would be something easy for Louis to take, easy for him to listen to. He drinks his shot, Louis not knowing how and when he asked for it, maybe it just appeared in front of the guy, who Louis honestly wants to punch right now.

“Zayn didn’t…”

“He did.” Liam looks up at the ceiling, his face showing that he is thinking for a moment. “Oh… I wasn’t supposed to tell you. I’m sorry for telling you this.” Liam looks at him upset but Louis is just paralyzed looking back as if someone stabbed him on the chest with a knife and he is just there taking his lasts breaths and waiting for death to come.

Louis nods then, not sad just in a way to apologise himself for feeling this way, telling Liam he understands. Liam doesn’t. Understand. But that’s okay.

He asks for another drink. A light one, with less alcohol, just not to ask for a glass of water because he thinks he still has a bit of dignity.

“Mate, are you okay?” Liam asks, his hand on Louis’ shoulder. That touch burns Louis’ skin and he quickly looks at Liam. He thought it was someone else, so he just nods as an answer.

He is okay. “I am o–“ he stops. His eyes frozen looking ahead. The adrenaline and anger he was feeling previously come back and he quickly stands up from his seat.

“Lo –“ Liam starts but Louis doesn’t let him finish it when he walks across the bar where Harry is giggling with Niall  _too close_ from him. Close to his ear, whispering something that it sure didn’t make him need to brush his lips along Harry’s exposed neck. Was that on purpose? Is Niall doing this to piss Louis off? Louis thinks so. Louis thinks he has been acting all friendly and showing him how perfect he can be, how he looks like an angel with his prettier blue eyes, with his lovely voice, with his catchy laugh, charismatic smile, with his  _ah I have Harry Styles in my life and you don’t_  attitude and  _I can make Zayn fall for my charm as well_  hug just to make Louis want to break his nose.

“Get the fuck away from him.” So Louis does what he knows the best. A scandal. Especially when he is drunk, oh he is great. He pushes Niall away from Harry, almost making the blonde guy fall into the floor if it wasn’t the people around.

“Louis!” Harry shouts, but Louis ignores him, what’s the purpose on listening to him? He forgets everything, he only catches the way Niall looks at him, in surprise and horror.

“What the hell, dude?” Niall recovers his balance, his eyes narrowed looking at the angry man ready to walk towards him and make him fall on the floor in success this time.

“I said to get the fuck away from him.” Louis repeats clenching his fists next to his body and his jaw getting tense. Niall looks like he is about to start laughing, he composes his posture and walks back towards them.

“That was really funny, Louis.” Niall says, somehow nervously because he kind of wants to laugh and Louis is there just looking like he is about to kill someone. He has the idea that, that someone is close to be him.

“It wasn’t supposed to be funny, you know?” Louis gives a step in front of Harry, not allowing Niall to get even closer. He feels a hand on his shoulder but shrugs it off. “Don’t even try, Harry.” He says harshly, maybe not meaning, maybe not in full control of his actions.

“Louis –“ Niall sighs. He isn’t  _that_ drunk. “Harry,” he says looking over Louis’ shoulder and if Louis wasn’t this angry he’d laugh hysterically. Niall looks like he is about to pee his pants, looking at the green eyed boy as if asking for help. Instead, he only pushes him away again, this time keeping walking closer to him.

“I said to get away from him.” he shouts, people next to them being able to hear even with the loud music. “Don’t you understand me?” he keeps pushing him by his shoulder after every word, Niall keeps walking backwards, almost losing his balance.

“Louis, we were just… I was just –“ 

“You were all over him.” He keeps shouting, this time he shoves Niall even more brutally so he instantly hits with his back against the wall. “Like you’ve been all this time.” Everyone steps away from them and stare at the scene giving them space.

“Louis, you need to calm down.” Niall says weakly looking at Louis’ dark eyes, his veins popping out from his neck and his lips pressed together in a straight line.

_He shouldn’t have said that._

“Don’t fucking tell me to calm down.” A punch. “Everyone tells me that.” Another punch. “How dare you to say it when you took him away from me.” Last punch.

His words weren’t heard. Niall slides down along the wall, his nose bleeding, his face red and he puts his hands above his head as an act of protection, when Louis’ arms are held against his own back by some strong arms. People are shouting but they don’t do anything. Louis tries to release himself when sees Andy going to Niall’s rescue, he looks concerned,  _the bastard_. He stares at the side and sees Liam covering his mouth with his hands looking at the disaster.

Louis wants Zayn right now, next to him.

So he looks up but doesn’t see Zayn. He sees Harry and honestly, at this moment, he preferred the dark haired guy but yeah… he went with that girl.

Harry’s face… Harry’s fucking face. Louis feels like throwing himself on the floor. Niall is in pain in front of him, the guy from the bar are calling for the security, he’s fucked. And he is scared, but not really regretting what he did, he always felt like punching Niall. He had no reasons to do it, but he always wanted.

“Let me go. Let me go.” Louis keeps trying to release himself, Harry is going to yell at him, is going to put him down and be on Niall’s side. He doesn’t blame him, he even understands.

“Louis, stop. Stop, look what you did to him.” Harry tights his grip around Louis wrist and arm, pushing him away from Niall who has now Liam and some random girl next to him to see if he’s okay. Niall is still smiling friendly at them even though his face shows pain. Louis wants to punch that smile out of his face. But Harry is angry, Louis can understand that.

“No. Don’t touch me like this, stop.” Louis keeps shouting and trying to push Harry away but he still has his wrists behind his back and Harry is strong, he is actually hurting him, Louis is drunk and he doesn’t like. He doesn’t like when people touch him like this, if Zayn was here he wouldn’t allow Harry to treat him this way. He feels vulnerable, feels like starting crying even though seconds ago he was punching Niall.

The security appears, Harry turns his look at them and stops walking with Louis. Louis keeps shouting even when sees the two strong men walking towards them.

“You need to get out.” The hairless man demands, his voice husky and he is definitely as tall as Harry.

“I’m not going anyway. Let me go, now.” Louis yells, his breathing unsteady, his eyes burning and his face hot. He is lost, he is alone.

“Don’t make us use violence.” The second man says, giving a step ahead. In instinct, Harry gives one backwards with Louis. Some people around walked away from the scene already, others keep looking.

“No. You won’t touch him. I will take him outside.” Harry says firmly, with no fear. Louis bites his lip, purposely making it bleed. He opens his mouth to protest but Harry is already spinning them around and walking with him to the door that goes outside. Louis keeps shaking his shoulder but Harry grabs his wrists with one hand and sinks his fingers on his shoulder, deeply.

“Stop, you’re hurting me.” Louis whines weakly but he is trying to sound as strict as Harry sounded back then when he spoke to those men. “I told you to stop. Stop.” He says one last time, now louder when Harry opens the door and gets outside.

The curly haired lad presses him against the wall next to the big door. The street is nearly empty, the only sound heard is coming from the bar, the cold is pleasant at first but Louis finds his hands freezing quickly.

Harry looks at him with his green eyes meeting Louis’ blue ones. It’s soulless and Louis never witnessed such a thing, his face shows pure irritation. “Are you going to punch me as well if I don’t let you go? Is that it?” Harry’s voice is rough, he gets close from Louis but it’s not in the friendliest way and this time he holds him with his hands in each shoulder. “Answer me!”

“If I have to.” Louis shouts back, fighting his emotions. He feels so fragile, he hates himself for needing Zayn right now. Why Zayn? He can’t fucking need Zayn.

“Then go on. Punch me. You want it don’t you, Louis?”

“Stop yelling at me.” Telling someone to stop yelling at you, while shrieking isn’t a great way to be heard.

“Why did you punch him? He did nothing to you.” Harry isn’t listening to him. Louis is in a nightmare, he is opening his mouth but nothing comes out, he wants to run away but he is stuck on the floor. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m drunk.” Louis looks at the side and mumbles.

“What a great fucking excuse.” Harry pulls himself away from Louis, letting go his shoulders off and giving two steps away from him, sinking his fingers on his hair. Louis is the one afraid right now.

Andy appears with Niall around his arm, Liam walking right next to them, from the door. Louis hears Harry let out a sigh, maybe in relief for seeing them or maybe just as a reaction to Niall’s face state. “Oh god.” Harry almost runs those two steps to get close to them quicker. He grabs Niall’s cheeks in both his hands, gently, and makes him look up at him. “Look at you.”

“I’m okay.” Niall says, his voice sounding normal now. Liam hands him a plastic bag with ice and Andy lets him go so Niall can grab it and put on his face. Louis doesn’t look at the pathetic scene, if he would, he would pity the Irish guy just because he is holding a bag with ice while he is outside in a snowy day.

“No you’re not.” Harry says gently and Louis rolls his eyes.

“I’m off.” The blue eyed boy huffs, stepping away from the wall and starting to walk away.

“No you’re not. You can’t just walk back home. You’re drunk and probably –“

“Don’t call that fucking place home.” Louis interrupts Harry. “And what do you care? You don’t give a shit so stop acting.” He spits, taken Harry back by his rudeness.

“You are staying here I drive you home… to the flat I mean.” Andy says and Louis notices that is the gentlest someone had spoken to him the last few minutes.

“I’m not going to the flat. I don’t even have my keys, Zayn does.” Louis says in a lower tone now, looking down. He feels like laying on the snow and stay there waiting for the snowflakes falling and just see something beautiful, see something to make him relax.

“One more reason for you not to walk away.” Andy continues and Louis sighs loudly.

“I don’t want to stay here one more minute, okay?”

“You’re coming with me.” Harry interrupts the conversation and Louis looks up quickly.

“No I’m not.” He interjects.

“Don’t even try to fight back, Louis.”

“I fight back if I want to, I don’t want to be with you. I want you far away from me now. You and him.” Louis yells again pointing at Niall, who is just sadly listening and watching them as well as Liam and Andy.

“You’re drunk.” Louis clenches his jaw by Harry’s tone. He doesn’t even sound hurt by what he just heard.

“What a great fucking excuse.” Louis smirks and says dryly.

“Okay stop it.” Andy steps between them. “Louis you go with Harry then, I’ll drive Niall and Liam back home, end of discussion.” Louis is about to protest but Andy turns his back to him. “Sorry mate.” Andy puts his hand above Harry’s shoulder and grabs Liam and Niall, each of one in one of his sides, to walk away.

“I’ll give you a call.” Harry whispers to Niall, who just nods and gives him a sad and weak smile, after Harry squeezing his hand for a second. “Let’s go.” Harry says now his tone cold and obviously changing from the tender one he spoke to Niall, starting to walk. Louis heart falls from his chest.

“No.”

“Let’s. Go.” Harry gives him a glower and Louis gulps in dry. He is going to puke anytime, so he starts walking just because he needs a toilet or he’ll puke right in the edge of the road.

 ~*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was so intense to write you have no idea.. and it's huge and it was going to be more but i decided to divide this in two part so prepare yourself for next chapter   
> what do you think about louis' behaviour? and what about what liam told him? why do you think harry still helped louis and stopped him instead of going to niall's rescue?


	14. Wake up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist
> 
> Breathe me by Sia
> 
> Medicine by The 1975
> 
> Dead Hearts by Stars 
> 
> » warning: the beginning of this chapter might be a bit triggering for some of you, idk just be careful.

Louis looks around and it's all too dark, however he can see. He doesn't feel cold nor hot, he doesn't feel scary nor relaxed, he is just there, not sure if he is breathing even. He isn't attentive to the details but he starts moving his feet and he thinks he is walking along the darkness. He can't name the place he is, he doesn't recognise it but at the same time he knows where he is, knows what it looks like around him, maybe that's why he doesn't pay attention at the details.

He starts listening to something, at first it sounds like lights turning on and off, bells ringing or thin glass hitting in each other but everything sounds so crystal but far away then it's like water or just rain hitting puddles. He rubs his eyes and when opens them wider he sees a door, he knows where he is and now he is afraid. Now he is having chills. It's always the same.

He sees lights coming from under the door, he wants to walk away but he has no control over his body so he raises his hand and opens the door. He knew this was going to happen.

He is in a bathroom. He recognises it but it's all different. The tiles are light, light brown but he knows they are white, the place looks small but he knows it's quiet big, there's a small mirror and a light next to it but he knows the mirror is big and it has lights on it.

At this moment he has left his body and he sees himself walking in and then turning around to look at the corner. He looks at his young self almost sadly, fearing for his own skin, knowing what's on that teen's mind even though it's not him anymore.

He sees the same that the probably eighteen years old Louis sees. A small boy sat on the floor, his breathing unsteady and heavy, crying and with a white and red towel next to him. Louis sees himself walking closer and crouching himself next to the other kid. He sees his hand touching the boy's shoulder.

He looks up. Harry looks up at Louis, his eyes swollen and wet, his face bruised, his lip trembling and his hair out of the place.

"Harry..." Young Louis whispers, his voice catching in his throat.

"I hurt myself." Louis knows is Harry, he imagines him like that, but the features aren't all right, it's him but at the same time it isn't. "I hurt myself, Louis." Harry repeats and raises his arms with blood streaming down from them. Louis doesn't see the wound, he sees nothing but there's blood and it's coming out from somewhere because it's just appearing more and more. The tile is white now but there's blood filling it.

"No..."

"I'm sorry." Harry keeps crying while young Louis starts as well. The old one, the one from the present watches the scene, hears their voices and other ones whispering things from behind him. He doesn't recognise them.

"You are good. You are with me. I'm here." Louis cries out, his voice getting louder. Louis from the present wants to take them away from there but his aim is to be there and watch. He isn't allowed to move. He can't help them even if he wants to.

He wants to so bad.

But he knows what's going to happen, he knows how this ends.

"But you didn't stop me. You weren't here." Harry says soulless, his voice obviously changing and his eyes focused on Louis' face, its colour changing as well. They are black and even though he is paralysed and looks almost creepy, he doesn't stop crying hard.

"No. I'm here now. I want to help you. Please be good to yourself. Let me help you." Louis trails off, his hands up in the air and moving around just because if he touches Harry he will get hurt and burn himself.

Harry shakes his head, his face getting pale while the bruises disappear. They aren't in the bathroom anymore, they are outside. It looks like they are in a swamp but in reality they are in their usual garden back in Doncaster.

Louis from the present is still watching, feeling the tears streaming down his own face but still with a strict expression and not able to help. His mind is screaming  _make it stop,_ but it's useless.

He knows.

Harry lets himself fall backwards, they were both stood up but Louis sees him falling into the water from the lake. It makes no noise, it's only heard Louis' little whimper around this time.

He looks down at his hands and they are filled with blood. He sees Harry drowning on the lake but he can't help. He screams and cries but it's still all the same.

Older Louis starts to hear screams, loud and pitchy screams. It's loud to the point of turning him deaf but he keeps hearing. He covers his ears,  _it's almost_ _over,_ he thinks.

However he doesn't wake up, it doesn't stop to start over again or just to come up with a worst nightmare. While the sounds keep tormenting him, Louis looks up. Young Louis disappeared, the lake changed colour but that's not what he pays attention the most. In front of him there's Harry. His features more defined, his face not that blurry, however still looking different. Looking older. He is soaking wet, the ends of his hair are dripping water he is shivering and looking into Louis soul.

Those eyes. Those eyes fucked Louis up forever. Even in his dreams -nightmares.

"Louis..." he sobs, voice trembling. Louis sees he is still bleeding. He is shocked looking at the vision in front of him.

_Stop._ _Make it stop._ _Wake up._

"You left me." Harry continues. Louis opens his voice to scream, perhaps, but nothing comes out. "I'm hurt Louis. Everyone hurt me. I'm alone. You left."

"No. No I didn't. You, left me." Louis says maniacally, desperate to be heard.

"Look at me Louis." Harry cries, in his cheeks keep streaming water and tears, mixed all together. "Look what I became. I did it again, I feel unsafe. I'm so lost."

"No, I'm lost. I'm the one lost."

"Stop making this all about you." Harry shouts, angry now, his eyes dark like young Harry's turned to, yet tearing up.

"I'm sorry." Louis is crying so hard, he is so afraid. He is screaming on the inside, begging for everything to stop. He never had such a long dream, especially with an older Harry. This is getting worst, this can't be happening. "I'm sorry I'm so hurt. Help me. Please."

"No. I can't..." Harry shakes his head. "Not anymore. I'm bleeding. I'm so far away Louis."

 _Stop._ _Please._ He keeps screaming. No one hears. Harry keeps bleeding. They can't reach each other and Louis is just crying.

When he opens his eyes he is still crying. It's still dark, it's like he is still living the fear from the dream but his eyes are opened. He feels himself breathing, he is laid down, he is sweating but shivering at the same time and he can listen to his own sobs and whimpers. Almost shouts really, he is still in panic and motionless.

He doesn't want to fall asleep again.

In the same room as him he hears noises and he is so out of himself that thinks right away.  _Zayn heard me._ But there's a light being turned on a little far away, for what it seems, making Louis see all blurry and weirdly.  _Where the fuck is he?_

"Louis? Louis, oh my god, are you okay?" He listens and muffled sounds are heard from behind apparently. Now there's quick passes, no, someone running towards his direction. Louis doesn't know much what's happening, he is still sleeping, he is still stuck in that horrendous nightmare that when he always has it, it seems so real, especially now, when it was him from now, the older Louis, the one already broken looking at the older Harry, the one that left him.

"Louis?" He hears again. It's not Zayn's voice, he is still dreaming. He has to. "Louis, look at me." He is in sitting position now, Harry grabs his cheeks in both his hands cleaning the tears with his thumbs, making his best to keep Louis looking at him.

Crying, Louis looks at him with his eyes wide open, he slaps Harry's hands away from him and tries to crawl backwards, even if he is already pressed against the back of the couch. He brings his hand to cover his mouth and looks scared back at the younger guy, curling himself up in a ball.

Harry almost falls backwards when raises his hands in front of Louis, trying to calm him down and to show that it is okay.  _It is okay for him to touch._

"Hey, it's okay." So he says. Louis has stopped crying but his cheeks are wet and he is shaking with his heart beating fast. His vision is still a bit blurry and the poor light doesn't help. "Are you hurt?" He asks in a gentle tone, not getting to close from Louis but still kneeling beside the couch.

Louis takes his hand off from above his mouth and brings his arms around his legs, putting them closer against his chest. His breathing is unsteady and heavy, his eyes dark and his expression cold and dead. It's too much, he is still in shock. These nightmares always make him feel like this for a moment and now... Now that he has Harry in front of him makes it all worst.

"Was it a dream?" Harry asks since Louis keeps not saying a word, but he flinches when Harry tries to bring his hand closer to him. He brings it back and looks at the terrific guy in concern. "Okay, okay. I won't touch you." He nods in understanding. "Do you want me to bring you some water? Make you a tea maybe?" Harry travels with his fingers along his hair, pulling it backwards and sighs loudly. "You need to talk to me now." His eyes travel around Louis. Even with the poor light he can tell he is a bit pale, his eyes are looking at Harry in horror and it breaks him because he can't do nothing. He doesn't know what's happening but Louis looks like he is going to have a panic attack or that is about to have a heart attack but for now he just looks shocked. Traumatised.

Louis shakes his head as an answer, although he is screaming  _go away._

"What do you want me to do?" Harry tries again, his eyes finding something he will never catch at the moment. Calmness in Louis' face.

Louis hides his face above his knees.  _I'm a mess._ He thinks, and really did this have to happen now? Couldn't he have a good night of sleep while sleeping over? Couldn't he just go back to his place?

In reality Harry was just being careful last night (tonight), in a way... In an annoyed way. He looked mad and didn't look at Louis while driving the way back to his place. Louis was so tired and zoned out that he didn't pay attention at anything the moment he got to Harry's car. There wasn't much for him to, though. When they got into the flat - where Louis really needed a lot of help to walk to - he remembers Harry to say  _just do not puke on the floor,_ _you can sleep on the couch there's a blanket._

And he was so cold saying all of that but Louis only thought he was being nice for a moment.  _For a momen_ t. Louis ended up puking on the sink, not knowing where he was and blacking out on the floor, making Harry carry him to the couch.

He is a mess, he got it already but he seems to like to remind his miserable self this many times.

"You want me to go away right?" Harry sighs, if this happened five years ago he would never say this. Harry would know what was up, he would know what Louis needed, he would be there, he would know Louis wanted him there... If this happened five years ago Louis wouldn't be sleeping alone and feeling cold. Louis' mind needs to stop falling in love with memories.

Louis doesn't raise his head, he shivers when hears Harry sighing deeply again and senses him standing up and walking away. He tries to imagine some arms around him, warming him up and comforting him. Louis' mind tricks him.

The light keeps turned on when the time goes by, ten minutes later Louis is standing up from the couch. His feet feel something fluffy so he looks down and sees a white fur rug. He is so disoriented that it almost makes him feel dizzy. 

He looks at the side and sees a door and what it seems to be the kitchen and then back, on the same room, a mattress on the floor, pressed on the side of the wall where above lies a window (bigger than Louis'). He is almost sure that the lights turned on, on the other wall, above the  _bed_ , are Christmas lights and there's a laptop next to the mattress on the floor as well.

Harry's long body is laid down on it, he has his arm above his eyes and his leg raised under the sheets, with a black blanket at the end, where his foot is. 

Louis walks towards him, carefully looking down at the floor, afraid of stepping into something. He sits on the edge of the mattress, his bare feet touching the cold floor, his hands rested above his lap and looks at the side where Harry seems to be awake as well, just trying to relax.

He probably feels Louis' presence because in the moment Louis is going to cough to call for his attention, his green eyes lay down on him.

"I can't..." Louis breathes out, his voice sounds like he has a sore throat. His clothes are uncomfortable, he can't believe Harry let him sleep in them and didn't even took his tight jeans off to change into something else.

_Of course he didn't._

Harry sits up, his fists pressed against the mattress to push himself up and press his back on the wall. He shows to be worried and Louis thinks that he doesn't deserve it, not when last night happened.

"Please tell me, are you okay?"

"It's these nightmares." Louis says, voice breaking even though Harry didn't ask that this time, he asked him if he was okay. Louis doesn't like to answer those type of questions, they are dull and take him too much effort to answer them properly. They are said so many times that lost their meaning. "They've been chasing me for so long."

"What -What nightmares?" Harry stutters. Louis brings one leg under his bum and he wants to get closer from Harry because this mattress is quiet big and Harry is almost at the other side, next to the wall. The blinds from the window are opened, which kinda relaxes Louis in turn. The lights from the city and the moon stab the glass and hit Harry's profile amazingly.

Louis looks down due his question and starts playing with his fingers. "They are awful... I don't -I hate them. They make me go mad, they make me want to stay awake all night."

He hears Harry getting a bit closer from him. "Do you wanna tell me what they are about?" He asks gently. Louis wants to hear him counting the stars.

Louis nods. Fuck it. Really, fuck it. He wants to tell him. He wants to tell someone what's these dreams are about, what they do to him. Harry would understand the feeling, he wouldn't say  _they don't make_ _sense_  and Louis just can't feel bad for never telling Zayn what they are about after all this time, after all the questions he did getting no answers afterwards.

It will hurt him perhaps. Well, it won't be easy for Harry to heart it like it won't be for Louis to tell.  _But fuck it._

"It always starts the same way. It's all dark and I hear weird sounds. I can't see, I can't breathe, I can't feel anything. It's dull, strange and just... Horrific." He sighs. Harry looks at him as if he was admiring a masterpiece. "The way it happens is different sometimes, but the thing is the same..." Pause. He takes a deep breath.  _Fuck it._ "I open a door and get into a bathroom where you are there. Sat on the floor. You tell me you hurt yourself and there's blood everywhere." His voice fails. "Then we are back at the lake and you fall, you drown. I do nothing. I can't help you. And you say, you say I can't help you. Because it’s like I’m not there." He sobs, sniffing and passing his hands through his face. Harry's mouth is parted and his eyes are widely open. "But this time was worst because in the others we are young, however now it didn't end when it should. It didn't stop. My young self disappeared and I was alone in the lake. Then you appeared again, but looking... Looking like you right now. And you were dripping water and hurt as well. My hands were covered in blood and you told me...  _Fuck_ , you told me I left you and that you couldn't help me. We couldn't..." He covers his mouth with his hand, letting the sound of him crying escape anyway. What is he saying? What is he doing? It doesn't matter, why is he even telling this to Harry? Something so personal, something he has been keeping to himself all this time, suddenly it's out there, he told someone. He told  _Harry._

He shakes his head. He shouldn't have said it. Harry doesn't even care, Harry didn't deserve listening to this. He doesn't need to know that this whole thing still matters to Louis to the point of having nightmares. This nightmares represents his fear. All this time he has been living thinking about how Harry is doing, if he is okay... If he has been hurting himself. Louis wasn't there to help him if that. Louis has been wondering if Harry could hold himself alone. If Harry had broken another promise.

"Louis... Louis, fucking –come here." Harry says, says what Louis didn't expect him to – he was considering the younger man to kick him out of her because he is  _pathetic._ "Please just – come here, darling."  _Darling._

Louis raises his head, cleans his tears from his cheeks and bottom lip trembling he gets closer. He gets closer till Harry moves with his arms opened and  _to be quicker,_ hebrings Louis to him. He wraps his arms around his petite body, one hand above his hair, the other around his torso and above his arm. Louis sinks his face on his chest, smelling his sense (it's not that different now that he sees) and Harry rests his chin on top of his head. His hand moves up and down on top of Louis' upper arm. His breathing is so calm but Louis listens to his heartbeat, it's fast and unsteady. Louis is listening to Harry's heartbeat a sound that all this time was locked away from him. He is alive, they are alive.

Things aren't the same. Things are far, so fucking far to be what they were, but Louis has what he asked for to the God he doesn't believe in, and that is making sure that Harry is still a whole flower, the flower Louis needed to smell one more time to be able to live again.

"For how long?" Harry asks sadly, his voice so low and little. Louis gulps and grabs a tiny bit of the fabric from Harry's shirt while hugging him

"I can't remember." It has been like this, not remembering the times he was all right, he was sober and himself. Not just broken pieces awake at 3am. "But one day they started and it never... It was never the same. I just can't sleep nicely. For years Harry... I'm so tired."

Harry pulls back a tiny bit just so he is able to see Louis. He bring Louis' face up, brushing his cheekbone gently, not caring if he is allowed to do it or not. "I'm so sorry, Louis." It's all he says and Louis wants to roll his eyes but he is too tired for it so he only nods slowly. "You never thought about fixing that problem? You need to sleep... I..." Louis shakes his head

"This is not something that it's fixable." He says firmer. Both men stepping away from each other just to sit close on the mattress now. Louis knows he needs help but at the same time he wants to shout that he doesn't. He handles this. "This is me worrying too much through these years because every time I laid down in bed I was always wondering the whole fucking time if you were okay or if you were already dead okay?" He says louder and Harry catches his breathe in the air. Louis notices and looks down sighing deeply.

There's silence but Louis doesn't follow the dark tunnel he stays in the light where the room is illuminated by Christmas lights. Harry reaches over for Louis' hand with his own. He interlaces their fingers and brings them to his lap.

"Do you feel me?" He asks and blue meets green in that moment and it's magic. Louis doesn't believe in magic anymore but he wants, he wants to now because he forgot how good the feeling was. It's warm. "I'm here with you."

Louis doesn't think in that moment, he drops his eyes from Harry's face to his left hand, which his holding his and then his wrist. He drops his hands and holds Harry's wrists in his, switching them up he slides the sleeve from his arm so he is able to expose Harry's skin.

His blue wet eyes go wide with the view. Clean. Harry's wrists are clean but that's not it. A dirty and old bracelet lies there. Probably looking better than Louis' did back then when he had it but... There it is. The stupid brown leather bracelet is there.

"I never did it again. Every time I looked at my wrist I would see this bracelet and... It reminded me you and what you used to say. I'm worth it, I can't hurt myself. Not only by cutting but other ways... I never had the courage to do it again. Thanks to you. You probably don't have it anymore but it helped me –“

"I have." Louis interrupts him. "I mean, I had it. I only took it off when we fought the first time we talked... It was intense for me. Stupid also."

"It's okay."

"No it's not. I mean I've been keeping that damn bracelet for this long, people asked me for it, people used to tell me to take it off but I kept it. Then a simple fight made me freak out. I've been keeping a lot from you, to remind you and it wasn't healthy so I thought about giving up on it slowly. There was no reason for me to keep these."

"Oh." Harry simple says, clear disappointment and sadness in his tone. "You are right in a way. But yeah, I admit, it makes me sad that you took it off."

"I regret it." Louis says quickly, shutting his eyes tightly missing the way Harry's straight line from his lips turn into a smile. "I wasn't thinking and it's stupid but I regret taking it."

Harry nods and Louis looks at him for a moment. "Let's sleep then. I promise you will sleep better tonight." Harry says and Louis' heart stops, but Harry doesn't realise, he doesn't realise a thing. He simply gets out of the mattress to walk towards the couch again. The side of the couch, more precisely and crouches himself to grab something from the floor.

He walks back towards Louis with a cheeky smile on his lips. He sits down next to him again and Louis asks himself when he is going to stop feeling this burning sensation on his eyes.

"You weren't the only one keeping things from the past." He says and hands Louis a familiar and old teddy bear, the blue from the small bow around his neck a bit faded already.

"You kept this thing?" Louis asks in amusement, catching his voice. Harry nods smiling.

"It helps me to sleep sometimes." He confesses and Louis laughs. He finally laughs.

"Jesus and I thought I was pathetic." He keeps laughing cleaning the tears from the corner of his eyes.

"Hey!" Harry fakes hurt.

"Sorry man it's true." He chuckles, trying to calm himself down, then yawns.

"You look really tired." Harry comments. "Let's sleep, yeah? Do you still prefer the side of the wall?"  _Still._

Louis smiles like the fucking bastard he is, stupid and looking like a kid who owns a gigantic colourful lollipop. He nods and Harry smiles back at him, leaning over and placing his hand above Louis' shoulder, kissing his forehead.

"Goodnight Louis." He says softly, still close from his skin and Louis hugs the bear against his chest with his both arms around it.

He pulls back and lays down in his side while Louis stays sat for a moment, looking tinier than he already is in a bed, that isn't even a bed, it's a mattress in the corner of the room, for god’s sakes, with a taller boy next to him. The same taller boy he saw growing up and then who disappeared from his hands. Now he is there again.

"Can I turn off the light already?" Harry asks minutes later. It's probably 4am and Louis made him being awake this late.

He lays down, resting his head in the pillow, which he swears is the one Harry uses the most because it smells exactly like him. Exactly like he remembers. He snuggles himself in the sheets and brings the blankets up to cover himself.

"Yes." He whispers and he bets Harry is smiling but he can't have sure when the light is turned off and only the lights from the window illuminate the room.

It's pacific and quiet till Louis hears small snores coming next to him. He isn't alone. He is close to the cold wall but he feels warm. He squeezes the bear against his chest and falls asleep.

~*~

Louis opens his eyes and it almost burns when he sees so much brightness. He heard sounds that's why he woke up, he stretches his body, his hand hitting the teddy bear next to him and lets sounds coming out from his mouth.

He takes some time to realise where he is and looks at the side to be faced with an empty spot next to him.  _Of course._

There's hangers with clothes and shoes on the floor, nicely organised. He sits up and looks at the side of the window to be faced with some small cactus on the windowsill. He frowns, the sun isn't even full awake yet and when he rises completely he will be hidden behind the clouds. The streets seem to be empty and the blinds from the houses in front are still shut. He looks forward, there is the couch Louis laid down last night but there's no TV, instead, in front of it, there's a huge bookcase. Full of mixed book and simple decoration. Next to it there's a tripod with a camera above it. Louis sees the walls filled with pictures both taken with a Polaroid camera and a professional one. There's a door with windows that goes to an average balcony full of more plants and flowers and also with a small table and two chairs.

The place looks so cosy and fresh that Louis looks around in awe analysing the details. He hears noises in the kitchen's part and sees Harry walking to place things in a small table.

"What time is it?" Louis decides to finally speak, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles.

Harry picks up from the half wall separating the divisions. His hair brushed and finally looking like Louis was used to see him with. He is dressed in some sport shorts, a white T-shirt and a jacket that looks like a hoodie.

"Oh, good morning." He says surprised, probably to see Louis awake. "Seven in the morning more or less."

Louis' eyes go wide. "What the hell are you doing awake?"

"Breakfast." He chuckles and disappearing into the kitchen again. He keeps talking but Lou's can't quite understand what he means to say.

He decides to stand up (and this is a crime) still with sleep in his eyes and his body weak, he walks towards Harry not that far away. His jeans are making him uncomfortable and he would give everything to get himself naked right now, his feet are cold as well, why the hell is he not wearing socks?

"This is weird. You are awake by free will this early." Harry chuckles with the comment but keeps pouring the tea in a mug.

"I'm going for my usual run." Louis frowns, he has a lot to catch up from Harry. "You want tea?" He asks looking at Louis in hope.  _Hope_?

"Please." Louis answers nodding. It's been a while since he drank tea in the morning.

"Don't you have a headache or something?" Harry asks putting the two mugs in the table next to some toast, making signal for Louis to sit in front of him. 

"Yes. But it’s bearable." Louis answers biting his lip. Images from last night flashes through his mind.

The picture Harry saw on his wallet.

Zayn told Liam about Harry.

He punched Niall.

"Wasn't sure if you would wake up this early. I have strawberry and apple jelly." He smiles sweetly at Louis, showing him the two pots so he can choose one. Louis feels weirdly comfortable.

"Apple is fine."

"My favourite." Harry sing songs, preparing Louis his toast and he wants to say  _I know you dumbass,_ but he keeps quiet and smiles.

"Listen, Harry." Louis says after waking up from looking at Harry, with his tongue out in concentration. He needs to stop smiling in fond. The guy  _hums_  as an answer. "I want to apologise because of last night. The whole night, really." He confesses.

Harry looks up, his face now more serious. "It's Niall who you need to apologise to, not me."

"No." He shakes his head. "I mean yes, also, but I want, I need to apologise to you too."

Harry nods. "I'm sorry too. Shouldn't have talked to you the way I did as well." Louis nods. He doesn't remember much about how Harry talked to him but he knows it was bad and that they argued. 

"Thank you. You deserve a thank you as well." Louis says and Harry chuckles handing him his toast. Louis puts some sugar in his tea and then mixes it. He realises that they won't talk about this anymore now. That's okay. That's more than okay.

"So those Christmas lights are a think the whole year or you just didn't take them off yet?" Louis asks in amusement to break the ice.

"Are a thing." Harry chuckles. "I liked it."

"It looks nice." Louis nods, drinking a bit from his tea. "The whole place looks amazing actually."

"It's nothing special. But thanks." He smiles, dimples popping out.

They eat in silence, only listening to the music playing in the background that Harry put from the radio. When finished, Louis helps to clean up the place and at half past seven Harry is ready to go out.

"Erm, is it bad if I go with you? For a run I mean." Louis asks, scratching the back of his head. He is sure Zayn isn't at home yet, besides Louis isn't sure if he wants to see him right now and he sure doesn't feel like staying alone in Harry's flat for much cosy it might looks.

"You go for runs as well?"

"No... Not anymore at least but I know how to run and I kept playing football at college so it's not like I'm out of shape." He laughs a bit.

"Okay then. I suppose I can run slower this time, to be a bit easier for you to catch up." He smirks and Louis opens his mouth in indignation.

"You didn't." Harry bites his bottom lip to control his laugh.

"I'll lend you some clothes, if they fit you I think you are too tiny for them but –“

"Oh you are pissing me off." Louis shouts and Harry starts laughing and maybe their run starts in the flat with Louis trying to catch Harry to slap him.   
  
  
~*~

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » we all deserved a chapter where larry is okay at the end so praise the lord. what did you conclude from the reason why louis got the nightmares and insomnia's? do you think harry understood fully what louis told him? what do you have to say about how's the relationship gonna be from now on


	15. Cure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist
> 
> Close as starngers by 5sos
> 
> The Start Of Time Gabrielle Aplin
> 
>  
> 
> »sadly i'm going through a phase where i think everything i write sucks so i want to apologise to you guys and to myself even, because i wished i could be happy with these chapters because i want it for this fic but they have been so short and i've been taking so long to write it's awful  
> hope you are all okay!

"Harry, please, wait." Louis says breathless, he stops running, takes his hands to his knees and brings his head down, trying to catch up with his breathe. He wishes it could be raining by now so the whole snow would go away and it'd be easier to run... or just so they could stop, because Louis is tired. He is sweating. Sweating. Louis isn't a person who sweats, he hates it – it's a new thing you see.

They've been doing this for what? Half an hour? More? And Harry doesn't stop, even now he is running in the same place looking at Louis with the biggest mocking smile ever. They haven't talked even, because, no Louis, you get tired easily so shut up, which he said it in such a familiar tone of voice that Louis couldn't do anything but obey.

Louis doesn't even know where he is. Close to a garden that looks more like a forest if it wasn't for the street and small stores at the side. It's Sunday morning, London looks like a desert and Louis is running like a mad man, freezing his ass.

He is wearing shorts and is winter. Who the fuck does that? No one. Just really Harry who isn't wearing his jacket, so now is Louis giving it good use since they got out from the flat, because Harry said I'm going to take it anyway so better if it's now.

"Do you have any water? Let's just take a break shall we?" He tries to smile but is more like a grimace, so it doesn't convince Harry.

"You're so weak. I knew it. But we can't stop." He chuckles and Louis groans, his throat tastes like blood and it hurts. He is weak and Harry has no pity. He is good at this, he is athletic, Louis couldn't be more impressed but yeah, Harry impressed him already now he can stop. Now they can come back, have another breakfast and sleep more. Louis is sleepy.

"No please, have mercy." Louis whines and please Harry, stop for a minute you're bothering me with your little jumps. He thinks and really why can't he say it? "Please Harry, stop for a minute you're bothering me with your little jumps." Harry laughs again.

"Come on, Louis." He shakes his head and starts running again, his hair already pulled back with a headband, which Louis is very fond of but right now just pisses him off. Harry breathing is pissing him off.

"You are leaving an old man here to death? Is that it?" He starts running slowly and really, he looks like he is dying, he runs like a girl in gym class. "Yeah, run from your responsibilities, if I wasn't dying I'd be applauding." He hears Harry laughing loudly forward, making him smile a bit. Just a tiny big bit.

Harry turns around, starting to run backwards, his arms going on the same rhythm back and forth next to his body. "You said you were in shape. What happened?" He shouts so Louis is able to hear him. The few people on the street don't really pay much attention to them since they must be in a hurry.

"You deserve to fall right now. I bewitch you." Louis shouts back weakly.

"Not happening." He laughs. "Come on Louis, a race. If you win we stop for a bit, yeah?" He smiles and no, Louis is too weak, his legs hurt too much for a run now – Harry looks like when they started running, he wants his secret – but that smile. That smile wins everything. 

"Fine, just –“ he raises a finger and stops again, controlling his breathe. Harry goes closer to him and then does the same he was doing, running in the same place.

Louis looks at him and grins, his chest going up and down quickly by the tiredness. Harry frowns but Louis' smile just gets wider and in that moment the blue eyed man straights himself and starts running as fast as he can. Harry yells his name and starts running just behind him.

He catches him quickly and Louis looks behind being faced with Harry wearing a triumphant smile on his face, overtaking Louis and he notices how the green eyed boy mocks him showing how easy it is.

"Weak." He yells running pass over him so Louis starts eyeing his back. He takes a deep breathe, joins his last strength and runs faster, he makes Harry a pitfall causing him to trip and fall on the floor just when they are about to reach the end of the road to turn to the right.

Louis runs over him, his arms up in the air and yells "I'm a witch."

He stops and turns around with a grin on his face. He raises his eyebrow and sees a Harry sat on the cold floor with his legs stretched in front of him.

"I won. Who's the weak one now?"

"You cheated." Harry says huskily trying to hide his amusement. "What if I really hurt myself?"

"You didn't?" Louis fakes his disappointment, walking towards him. "Shit, I was looking forward for a bleeding knee or something." Harry shakes his head and Louis offers him his hand to help him to stand up.

Harry looks at it and then back at Louis' face and accepts it, his bigger hand fitting in Louis' small one. Louis brings him up causing him to get too close when he stands up. Louis' forehead reaches a little bit bellow Harry's chin, Louis needs to look up to see his bright green eyes better. Their hands are still locked with each other, sweating a bit, both their breathing are loud, though Louis' is the heavier one. Harry is smiling looking back at the smaller guy, his hot breathe hitting Louis' strict face.

Louis slaps himself mentally and wakes up. "Time for my deserved break." He says way too in a rush and drops Harry's hand as quick as he helped him to stand up. He walks away to the called garden aka forest and sits on the closest bank. Harry follows him, sitting next to him when Louis takes his pack of cigarettes that he put on Harry's short before leaving, and the lighter.

"You shouldn't smoke Louis." Harry sighs when Louis brings it to his parted lips, lighting it up.

Louis just shrugs and blows the thing, looking forward and trying to focus on the warmth that brings him and the taste in his throat. "A lot of people had said it to me already, so spare it." He says a bit too brutally, not really meaning that sort of tone. "Sorry," he says softer. "It's just that... I will die anyway, I don't mind if the time comes quicker." He shrugs.

"Don't say that."

"Why?" Louis chuckles.

"Our life is already so short, don't you want to get the most of it? There are tons of good things to experiment. Damn Louis, you taught me better than this." Harry shakes his head, his tone is loud but Louis knows he is doing this to be heard. Really be heard. It's weird listening to this, Louis isn't used anymore.

You taught me better than this. It makes Louis laugh.

"I taught you a tone of lies. Things I didn't believe." Louis says, taking another drag from his cigarette.

"That's not true." Harry interjects, a bit hurt, Louis confesses, he notices it but keeps looking forward at the city. "You believed in what you used to say to me. I know you did."

Louis sighs. "Are you still this naive, Harry?" Harry frowns looking at him, his eyes trying to understand the person he sees. "I don't even recognise myself. What I was and what I am. I don't know me, I don't and can't understand any of those things I used to tell you." He shakes his head.

"Then start to believe in them again." Harry's voice sounds so enthusiastic. How can he be like this? He sounds like such a happy and lively boy. Louis thinks he turned into the person he wanted Harry to be years ago, but without his help. Now that he isn't with Louis, he is happier he gained more glow. Apparently the one he had back then wasn't enough.

"Do you believe in them?" He asks glaring at the younger guy. "You don't. You don't even remember them probably. You are happy now, you are happy and you did it by yourself, not needing my god damn help." He raises his voice standing up from the cold bank. His shorts are wet as well as Harry's might be. He takes a last drag from the cig and throws it away.

"What are you saying?" Harry raises his eyebrow. He has been looking at Louis in such strange an unfamiliar ways... But then again, there's no familiarity with them now.

"Shit. I'm saying shit." He laughs dryly, passing his arm through his sweaty forehead. "Go on, tell me to calm down."

"Louis, are we fighting again?" Harry lowers his head.

"Apparently. We only do that, we can't have a nice conversation, a good time, have you noticed it?" He says coldly and at the same time in amusement. Because it seems that this is all funny.

"We need to put some effort in this, Louis. We can't bring problems where there are none. This happens if so."

"Oh but you are mistaken, Styles there are so many problems in here." He continues, walking around like a mad man. How did they end up like this? "What are we putting an effort in? Like, seriously tell me, because I don't see anything here to do it so. It's just breaking me more it's just making me feel sadder." He half yells, Louis doesn't regret saying it, it's just like it was supposed to be something only to himself, so why the hell does he have to share it with Harry?

"Why does it making you sad?" Harry stands up, struggling to where to put his hands, nevertheless he'd be talking with them. Louis snorts looking at him, he speaks calmly but that's because he was never one of yelling, but Louis sees how anxious he is.

Louis shakes his head, they are arguing in a garden, Louis isn't in the mood to feel miserable... If it makes any sense. This is going too far. He turns his back and starts walking away.

"Louis," he hears Harry but ignores, walking faster towards the street again. "God dammit, Louis," Harry catches his arm and turns him around. "Stop running away."

"Because I'm so good at it, am i not?" He spits. "Well, I learnt from the best." Freezes. Harry freezes and drops Louis' arm.

"I didn't run away. You know that."

"Whatever." Louis takes a step back, he shouldn't have said it, Harry's look says it all. "Didn't you say we shouldn't be arguing?" He takes the packet from his cigarettes. There it goes the last one. "Let's stop talking then. Easy." He finishes, lighting it up.

"Stop smoking, god dammit." Harry half shouts slapping Louis' hand making the cigarette to fall on the floor. Louis looks at him surprised. "You didn't answer my question."

"Well, you didn't answer mine neither." Louis shouts back.

"Well because it's freaking stupid. What are we putting an effort in? Seriously Louis? Are you honestly thinking this way about all of this? About us? You agreed on starting again. I'm trying okay? I'm fucking trying because I want this."

"See, this is what breaks me. There's no us. I'm trying too." he groans and takes his hands to his head. "But it's fucking hard." He says harshly, looking at Harry and pointing his index at him as if he was about to pock him in the chest. "We changed. You are not the same and seeing how much you grow up, how your life is... So different, hurts me all right? I can't manage to do it, I just want to give up." He confesses. Harry gulps in dry and he gives a step backwards giving them more space between their bodies.

"It hurts me too." Harry says lowly. "But it's not because of the same reason as you. It's because it's hard for me too and you don't see it. You don't see it and I feel like you don't want me in your life again." There's a pause. A long pause. Harry's green eyes stab Louis. He can't breathe, he just blinks and has that feeling that sometimes people have when they are in bed, of falling.

"Are you seriously saying this?" Louis lowers his tone. His eyes are watering, he wants to slap himself but instead he sniffles, rubs his eyes for a second to clean the tears and looks seriously at Harry. "You cannot be." He continues. "You are talking about the person who kept that damn picture in his wallet to remind you every day. Because it was too painful to remind you by myself. Because it was just another thing left from you behind. Because it was your damn way to say goodbye to me. To the person who loved you the most in your life." He feels the tears prickling in his eyes and wetting his cheeks.

Harry gives a step forward and raises his hand. "Lou..."

"Don't call me that." He hides his face on his hands. "How can you say I don't want you in my life when the few people around me would say you don’t need him and they would be right because yes Harry I don’t need you, but we had such an unhealthy relationship that there's no way I could get cured from that because I wanted you, I want you more than anything and that is infinitely worst. So don't you dare to tell me that ever again." He finishes.

Harry looks at Louis surprised, in shock, while the blue eyed boy keeps covering his face with his hands, crying silently. The world was theirs once, what happened? This isn't them this isn't being Harry and Louis.

"Louis I had –" Harry is interrupted with the sound of his phone. Louis is kind of grateful for that, honestly. He fears listening to Harry, to what he has to say, listening to what he doesn't want to and then answering it with words he never wanted to speak out loud. "It's Niall, I –" Harry starts but... Niall. 

"Of course." Louis sobs. "Go on answer it. I will just go because of course it'd be Niall, the oh so cared Niall." he can't even shout anymore it's pitiful.

"Don't tell me this is all because of Niall..." Harry asks and he had his phone in hands already but he declines the call and pays attention back to Louis.

"It is not. Not everything. But do you wanna know? A part yes because I feel... I feel betrayed, I feel replaced. You obviously adore the guy, I bet you two are best friends. Or more. Yes, why not? He is perfect isn't he? He is probably so much better than me. Does he have a lot that I didn't have? That I couldn't give you? Just say it so I can stop thinking about what I did wrong and what you see in him that is so special." He covers his mouth right in the moment he finishes it. Fuck. Louis doesn't know how their relationship is, what is, but he still finds himself... Feeling jealous. It's what he has been thinking. Niall has Harry and he doesn't. He doesn't feel anything for Harry... It's strange but it's just something that stays. Feeling this way is natural. It's their friendship Louis misses the most, the thought of having someone like Harry next to him feeling the way he did. It was something unique and amazing and that it's gone. No one can blame him.

"You're jealous..." Harry doesn't even ask, he is just affirming and Louis allows himself to feel pity of his person right now.

"Yes, because I’m afraid someone is going to make you happier than I did." And when did Louis learn to be straightforward again?

Harry gives a step forward. "Louis, my –" he stops. My Louis, Louis can still remember. "I can guarantee you that no one did and no one will ever make me as happy as you did." Louis looks up at him, Harry's voice is tender and no traces of anger or disappointment can be recognised. "No one did and no one ever will replace you. I never did and never will feel the way I felt towards you. And oh Louis, i wished I could feel that way again because I miss it so much."

Louis nods. "I miss it too..." He whispers bringing his arms around his own body.

"You don't feel it anymore, do you?" Louis shakes his head. It's done. He admitted it. "Me neither." Harry sighs. Fuck. "I'm sorry for messing this up back then for us. You know I'm terribly sorry even if it doesn't have any value, I’m really sorry. You have all the rights to feel mad at me. But Niall... It isn't Niall's fault okay? Me and him... We are just mere good friends."

"I noticed the way you looked at him, the way you smiled at him." Louis looks away and Harry gives another step close to him.

"Then you saw how far it was from how I looked and smiled at you." Probably. But Louis couldn't see that.

"You didn't even talk to me properly it was like..." He sighs, not being able to look at Harry.

"Because I always felt like you didn't care Louis. You couldn't –you can't even look at me properly. I feel like you don't want this, you didn't forgive me yet."

"I did. I just... I feel like I can't do this. I want to, so badly I just don't know if I'm able to." Louis feels Harry getting even closer, he feels Harry's fingers touching his chin lifting it up, making Louis look at him in the eyes.

"Look at me." And Louis is looking and he is seeing. "Trust me on this." Harry's voice is like everything Louis needed to hear after every nightmare he had already, to calm him down. The way he says this... Louis missed this, he almost forgot the way it made him feel so special.

Louis raises his hand to grab Harry's. He doesn't interlace their fingers like they would, damn the thing he should be doing was kissing their usual spot between their collar bones and neck, but such place, such gesture and kindness doesn't exist anymore. So he just holds Harry's looking at how they look together and then looks back at his face.

"Do you think we can do it? I mean I don't say going back to what we were... Our friendship was so unique we can't... But something close. Because I miss you, Harry, so fucking much." Harry looks at the smaller boy in awe and then smiles, nodding. Louis feels sparkles in his chest when sees such a smile.

"We can do anything and everything. Let's do our best yeah?" Louis nods as an answer. "Pro–Promise?" Louis drops his hand and looks at him with eyes wide open. "Sorry. Please... I'm sorry, okay no promises I just..." He sighs. "No promises. We will do our best."

"We will." Louis says weakly.

~*~

Louis reaches his flat around 11am after remembering that they actually have a spare key in the light ledge in the hall (not a good idea). He and Harry finished their run, they came back to Harry's because he usually eats fruit after every run so he prepared it to Louis as well. Meanwhile Louis looked around his room just so he can have another glimpse of Harry's life. At least what he can get. Harry is still a mystery and now Louis is locked away from him and he lost the key. He asks himself if someone else has it or if it's around waiting for Louis to find it out again.

But he inspected Harry's picture that he had been taking through these years. Louis thinks they all have a story behind but that he will never find out. There are just a few of them with people in them and when there are, Louis bets they are strangers. There's also pictures Louis recognises and recognises the places and those... Those are the only ones he knows the story behind. There are such few ones.

So when Louis opens the door from his flat, after Harry driving him, he feels a wreck. He used his whole energy this morning (the few he had) and not only physical but emotionally as well. There's so much to process and he just wants to feel alone and have time to think because... Harry kept the teddy bear, Harry heard him while he talked about his dream, being him the only one Louis said what they were about and then... Then they turned from being almost comfortable around each other to have a fight where a lot of things were said and discovered, to feel a bit awkward in the presence of the other again. It's not easy. It won't be easy. Louis wished it could.

He takes a warm shower, puts Harry's clothes in the washing machine (remembering that he forgot his in Harry’s, shit), makes a note in a paper of things he should buy next time he goes to the grocery and lays down on the couch. There's no signal of Zayn, which means he can take some time to himself.

He also needs to talk to Niall. To apologise and that will be far from easy. He knows he has been unfair with him but even now he isn't sure about how he should feel towards his relationship with Harry. He knows it's none of his business, damn he knows, but it's still bothers him a bit. He also recognises that if he accepts the guy it's just a step forward to accept that he and Harry can get better.

Let's put that to things he should do later. Later, later, later.

He shuts his eyes but he knows he won't be able to fall asleep, so he just keeps them shut and smells the sense of the candle he lighted up previously.

He needs to prepare his classes for tomorrow but he feels so lazy and tired that maybe he will stick up with the theory then. Boring subject for students but that it’s still important.

Not too long since he is laid down in the warmth of the couch with blankets over him, thinking about how his parallel life might be, if it’s like he really wished for or if better, he lazily opens his eyes when listens to the noise of the door opening. Zayn appears still dressed with half of his clothes from last night.

“Good morning.” Zayn says, raising his eyebrow but still with a soft and concerned tone of voice. Louis gulps, the fact that he is looking at Zayn now knowing he told Liam about him and Harry and, fuck, he left last night without saying a word, with their keys and without caring about Louis. Louis got used to always have Zayn by his side when drunk, he got used to Zayn telling him always where he is going and checking first if he is okay. Louis hates admitting but he got used to Zayn, he got attached to him. He can’t allow this.

“Hi.” He greets moving to sitting position in the couch. Zayn walks towards him and crouches in front of the blue eyed guy, both his hands in each sides of Louis’ thighs.

“Are you okay? I’m sorry about last night I –“

“You don’t need to explain yourself, Zayn.” Louis chuckles lightly. He is lying. He hates himself, he wants and needs Zayn to explain. He wants Zayn to apologise for everything, he hates the fact that he is feeling this way.

“But I left you there and didn’t say a word. How did you come home? I had the keys, oh god, were you drunk? Little one, I’m truly –“

“Zayn, please.” Louis insists, his face drops, he wants to say again you don’t need to apologise, but he doesn’t want to lie anymore. He’s actually tired of fucking up with people, besides he wouldn’t stand having a fight with Zayn. Also, he will see till when this will last, till he blows up, till Zayn decides to tell him that he told Liam. And when he did. “I’m okay.”

“Did something happen?” Zayn tilts his head trying to look at Louis’ face. Louis raises his head immediately.

“No.” Zayn frowns.

“Where did you sleep? Who brought you home?”

Louis taps the seat next to him in the couch. “Right here. Liam did, asked Delilah to open the door downstairs and I used our spare key, which by the way isn’t hidden in a good place.” He lies, well, most part of it. Telling that Harry brought him here would create questions, ones that Louis doesn’t want to listen to.

Zayn puts his hand on Louis’ cheek. “You look so tired, my love. I’m really sorry.” Louis gulps in dry again. He has a sore throat, it happens when he drinks too much alcohol the night before.

Louis pulls away Zayn’s hand gently. “It’s fine. I’m fine.” He smiles a bit. “We need to do some grocery.” He stands up from the couch quickly, leaving Zayn on the floor in the same position. “Not today, though. Maybe tomorrow after work or something. I think I’ll just make something for us to eat now.”

“We can order take away. You don’t seem too well to cook.” Zayn stands up as well. Louis begs mentally for him not to walk too closely.

“Want some real food. It’ll be quickly.”

“Or we can just eat corn flakes. You know, last resource.” Zayn chuckles.

“Nah. I’ll cook.” Louis turns his back and goes to the kitchen. He puts an apron and starts busying himself pretending to listen to Zayn talking about what he did during his night. Louis knows how to ignore him and fake being okay around Zayn.

~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> »why do you think louis said he can't make things work with harry? after what harry told louis what are your views about his relationship with niall? do you think it's like louis and zayn's?


	16. Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Delicate by Damien Rice
> 
> Whispers Dave Baxter

 

It comes the end of the day, on Monday, and Louis hasn't gone to the grocery shop yet and is staying in an empty flat only listening to the noises coming from the half opened window, from outside and making an early dinner, including toasts and tea. Zayn is still at work, he needed to stay longer and Louis didn't mind to take the bus. He is still mad. Really mad and can't stand faking the otherwise around him anymore. Zayn probably noticed that something was wrong but Louis just gave the excuse that he was tired, which was a shitty excuse, come on... It's Monday, it's the day to say  _I'm just sleepy._ So Louis failed. And Zayn understood that he just doesn't want to talk.

Louis finds himself then picturing Harry's flat in his mind. Picturing how his daily life might be nowadays. Louis still doesn't know and now that he had a glimpse of that, he got addicted and wants more, more and more. He wants to know everything even though at the same time he wants to be far away from it. It's still so hard for him.

He can't get used to it but he the fact that he slept in the same bed as Harry on Saturday makes him feel things. Miss things, more precisely, made him feel right and all that leads to sadness. But he has no reasons for it now, however his mind quickly got used to Harry's presence and he suddenly wants him by his side like he had, wants to explore and know everything.

People always say it hurts at night and apparently screaming into the pillow at 3am is the romantic equivalent of being heartbroken. And there were times that it was like this, there is still time that it is like this with Louis. Though, he doesn't like to describe it as being heartbroken. Because sometimes 6pm on a Monday afternoon and he is standing at the kitchen bench waiting for his toasts to pop out. The smell of dusty sunlight and earl grey tea makes Louis miss having the glow he used to have towards life and he just doesn't know what to do with his hands.

Today is a bit different. He raises his head, stopping to look at his dull blue slippers and decides to stop being like  _this_. The toasts pop out from the toaster but he is fast at ignoring it and pretending he never spent minutes waiting for it. The tea is almost in the temperature he likes to drink but it'll stay in the counter till it gets cold.

He grabs his phone from the pocket from his jacket and dials the number from the name he types.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Harry." Louis' voice is actually soft as if minutes ago he wasn't having his usual fight against his life. It's probably the first time he feels like he had won. "How are you?"

"Very well. What about you?" He hears muffled sounds coming from the other side. He is at home, Louis realises.

"I'm okay." He answers. "Listen, do you, erm, want to do some grocery with me? Zayn is staying at school till late and I really need to go there today. I hate doing it alone." He asks, no fear, voice as firm as he can and it's just bizarre. He should be laughing. Like Harry right now. "It's stupid isn't it?" He laughs nervously, tapping his nails on the counter and chewing his lip.  _Great Louis,_ _inviting someone to do some grocery is an amazing idea._ "Sorry."

"No problem."

"Yeah well, I don't know what got in my mind. I better go now before the traffic gets heavier. Call me. Or not, no don't call me. Just if you want though. Yeah, if you want it's fine." He rambles and takes his hand to his forehead.

"What are you saying?" Harry asks still chuckling. "I will go with you."

Louis' feels his face getting hot. "No. No, you don't need to. You probably have better things to do and I'm just being annoying." He sighs.

"Correction, you are being stupid." Harry laughs. "I said I'm going because I want to. Besides I kind of need some stuff, it's been more than a week since I don't go to the supermarket."

"Oh." And really,  _oh._ Louis finds himself smiling and taking his hand to his hot cheek. "All right then." He hears more muffled sounds and keys tickling in each other.

"I'm on my way to your place. Give me fifteen minutes more or less."

"Okay. Thank you."

"Don't thank me, Lou." And he hangs up.

Exactly fifteen minutes later Harry appears and Louis doesn't even open the door from downstairs the building, he runs downstairs, using the stairs.  _The stairs._ And sees Harry at the door outside, receiving the fresh wind blowing in his face causing his curls to get in front of his face. Louis giggles with the view but then composes himself.

_Act natural._

"Hi." Louis smiles. The sun is already disappearing from the sky, though, it spent all day hidden behind the grey clouds. So it's cold and Louis curses the moment he left his gloves in the car.

Harry smiles back and walks closer to Louis. He leans over and places a quick kiss on Louis' cheek. It's enough for the blue eyed lad realise that his soft lips are cold and that perhaps they feel the same way they did years ago. Louis didn't need a reminder that those same lips were pressed against his once.

He looks a bit surprised with the sudden gesture but Harry seems oblivious of it. Maybe is natural from him now. "My car is just on the other side of the road." He points. "Better get going." He says as if that simple kiss was something normal. It is. Well... It is not.

Louis nods anyway and follows him. He sits on the passenger seat and otherwise the last times he was in this same spot the silence isn't predominant. They chat a bit, about their day. Harry seems curious about it. What Louis talked about with his students, what Louis had for lunch, what Louis laughed at during the day... And Louis didn't have this kind of conversation for a while. He didn't need to describe his day to anyone till this exact point. He forgot that it's amazing to know that there's someone next to him curious about his life, attentive to what he is saying. It's different from when he speaks to his mother on the phone.

Harry tells about his day as well when they are stuck in the traffic. He tells about the little girl who got out from the shop with hot chocolate all over her shirt, talked about the two old couple that went there having breakfast together and even talked about the mess he did in the kitchen with the pastels. He ended up staying half an hour extra to clean everything up. Louis laughs with the way Harry tells these stories because somehow, he still makes the same face he used to did while thinking about the details and has the same excited tone of voice Louis  _thinks_  he remembers.

They park when they reach Walmart, last resource really. They get the same shopping cart for the two and go into the mess that is the shop. Louis made kind of a tantrum to be him driving it, Harry gave in but keeps next to him all the time.

He totally forgot how it was doing this kind of things with  _Harry_. He totally forgot and he can't find himself knowing what he felt back when he was a teen. He doesn't know if it's the same he is feeling right now. Louis never imagined that they could get so domestic so suddenly, because doing grocery shop with Harry right now is being like doing it with Zayn. Louis thinks that's nice, weird, but nice.

"Louis, be careful, please." Harry sighs and Louis only laughs. He keeps supporting his weight on the shopping cart and sliding with it, without his feet touching the floor, through the corridor.

"Please sir, step aside." He shouts when a man doesn't get out of his way. He does it so, with an unpleasant face, if he didn't move away Louis wouldn't stop his ride though.

"I'm really sorry." Harry apologies for the blue eyed guy's turn. "Louis, you’re going to hurt someone. Or yourself." He yells, walking quickly towards Louis, after picking a box of cereals.

"No I won't." Louis giggles, looking forward. Harry places the box in the cart, looking at him and putting his hand behind Louis' back, always trying his best to keep the pace.

"How old are you, really?" Harry asks amusingly and shaking his head. Louis stops the cart and supports his foot on the floor while the other keeps on it. He looks over at the side, at the taller boy and leans a bit forward, to get closer from his face.

"I'm eighteen again." He smirks and then he is making his way once more, imagining that he is probably riding a skateboard instead of a shopping cart.

Harry keeps running after him and apologising to the people Louis almost steps over with the small wheels and putting his and Louis' grocery in the cart.

"What was the craziest thing you've done in this place until now?" Louis asks then while Harry looks for some shampoo. Louis makes a note to see which one Harry uses now and what the smell of it is. It isn’t coconut anymore.

"Oh there were so many." Harry sights dramatically and Louis snorts. "It's true." He quickly looks at Louis, who raises his eyebrows and keeps his elbow rested in the handle.

"Like what for example?"

"Well..." He starts walking making Louis follow him, after putting the stuff he wants in the cart. More than half of what they have is from Harry, it kinda makes it look like that Louis wasn't the one who needed to come here. "Once I came here with Stella, you know the blonde girl." Louis nods, of course he knows. "And we pretended to think that the costumers were actually the employees and I asked them where I could find lube and condoms." He says somehow shyly. Louis bursts into laughter.

"No you didn't." Louis is really making his best not to fall on the floor and laugh, holding his belly.

"I did. I swear."

"Holy shit. I can't believe. You? Harry Styles? Jesus, what I've been losing." He wipes the small tears from the corners of his eyes. "You need to do it now. I can only believe you have the courage to when I see it." He says between his laughter.

"No." Louis stops.

"I knew you couldn't have changed this much."

"I did it. I just... It was so embarrassing and I felt so bad afterwards." He laughs a little.

"Do it." Louis insists. Harry tries to speak but he cuts his words. "Or you do that or I’ll make you lay down on the floor like a mad man and yell  _I volunteer my_ _body_ _as tribute."_ He crosses his arms against his chest and looks at Harry smugly.

"That's less embarrassing."

"You sure? I made Liam doing that as a dare and he almost got arrested." Harry's eyes go wide and he tries to speak again but this time he cuts his words himself.

He gulps and while Louis smirks he looks around trying to find a close victim. He finds it. A young woman, looking quiet reserved even. Louis gives him an encourage look but Harry nervously walks towards the woman. Louis sees him taking a deep breath and touching her shoulder. Louis needs to walk a bit closer to be able to hear what he is saying.

"I'm sorry mam', but you work here right? Right, listen, do you know where can I find lube? Maybe some condoms as well? Big party today and I'm in a hurry but can't find it." Louis immediately covers his mouth with his hands to stop the noise from his laughter. Harry says that with such a firm and serious voice that is impossible not to find it hilarious.

The woman takes a step back from him and gives him a terrific look with eyes wide opens. She frowns then and throws him the box of tissues she had in hands and quickly walks away from him. Louis allows himself to laugh loudly now and Harry turns to him, trying to keep a straight and annoyed face, failing after two seconds.

"I can't believe I just did this. Again." Harry laughs walking towards the shorter guy. "I'm a twenty four years old man, pranking people in Walmart with an older man who looks like it has eighteen."

"Do I look like having eighteen?" Louis asks, stopping laughing and raising his eyebrow.

"Well..." He sees Harry getting closer from him, the box of tissues still in his hand, and why does they have to keep getting closer from each other? "Without the beard, you kind of look like it." He smiles.

"I hope that it isn't a bad thing." He frowns.

"It is not." He keeps smiling, a sweet and familiar smile. Louis only thinks about how old he is getting and how he wished he would be a teen again and here's Harry saying that he looks like he has eighteen again. "Do you need tissues?" He raises the box in front of Louis, changing his smile and along it, the subject.

Louis laughs now. "Not really." Harry sighs, faking being annoying.

"Gonna offer it to somebody else then."

"You won't."

"Did you see what I just did back there? I'm unstoppable now." Harry jokes, shrugging, walking towards an old couple a bit forward.

Louis needs to follow him, of course, bringing the cart with him. He tries his best to control himself and in the moment Harry greets the couple Louis hears his phone in his pocket.

"Hello mom." He says, after accepting the call. "Everything okay?" He asks a bit worried.

"Hello my love. Yes, you don't call in a while, was just worried." Louis laughs a bit. "How have you been?"

"I'm great." He answers and at the same time he hears Harry asking  _do you actually_ _need_ _a box of tissues?_ _A woman just gave them to me and I don't know what to do with them._ Making Louis laugh loudly.

"What are you laughing at?" Fiona asks, herself chuckling a bit with the sound Louis makes. It always makes it look like he is so happy. She recognises it.

"Oh nothing special." He answers, Harry looks over at Louis when the old couple accept the box of tissues and his face is priceless. He is literally looking at Louis asking for help because he is probably about to pee himself. The older guy just makes signal for him to go on and that he is attentive at what he is doing even being on the phone.

"Where are you?"

"Oh, at Walmart, needed to do some grocery." he says somehow nervously. Harry is now laughing with the couple and Louis can't understand how the tables had turned.

"With Zayn?" She says happily. Louis wants to rip his hair out.

"Sure." He lies, if Fiona gets to know that he is actually with Harry, she would either be mad or too happy and both would lead her to black out... And she could even feel that at the same time.

"I won't take too long. Just wanted to check if you are coming here in a month. You'll have a break in February, right?"

"Oh." He almost forgot. "Yes... I guess so. God, I'm glad you reminded me, mom."

"Of course I did." Fiona says amusingly. "Have you been busy?"

"A bit yes, too much to think about as well." He adds.

"Are you happy?" Louis loves her mom, jeez, he would give everything to live again under her roof, to see and talk to her every day and to just have sure that everything is in order back in Doncaster. She wouldn't be so worried at him all the time if things were like this.

Louis sees Harry saying goodbye to the two people and walking back to him with a grin that soon will turn to be a laugh.

"Yes, mom. Very." He smiles when Harry gets closer.

"That's so good to hear, honey." she is smiling. Louis is sure she is smiling.

Harry opens his mouth to talk but Louis raises his index to stop him and to wait. He keeps a smile on his face matching Harry's. "I’ve got to go now, but I will call you as soon as I can."

"Take your time. Love you, be safe."

"Love you mom." He hangs up and then looks over at Harry. "They accepted the tissues?!" Louis jokes however Harry looks seriously at him now.

"Was it Fiona?" Louis' smile drops, but he nods. "Sorry I just..." He laughs sadly. "I miss her. Everyone back there." Louis nods again. He wants to say  _they miss you too, even_ _Daisy for god's sake,_ but he can't. "Sorry." Harry repeats. "Anyway, they actually needed the tissues so I did them a favour." He actually surprises Louis by how fast he can change his humour. Louis wanted to have this kind of control.

~*~

Louis thinks he never took this much time doing this kind of shopping. He and Zayn are always quick, because this place makes them sick after a long time being under these lights, however this time, it wasn't like that. Louis even enjoyed it a bit.

"Are you going home now?" Harry asks with his bags in his hands. They didn't really buy much stuff, just the essential, but the little things seem like dozens of them.

"Erm, I guess."

"Oh... Well I bought lasagne you see."

"Yes, I saw." Louis chuckles.

"Right. Unless you've got something planned with Zayn, you can come to my place, we could eat together and then just hang out for a bit. If you want of course." He tries to lift his hand up with his bags, probably to scratch the back of his head, but gives up on that.

Louis doesn't have anything planed. Especially with Zayn. Much less with Zayn, more like. He also wants to spend time with Harry. This last hour seemed to be spent better than he first thought it would. 

"Erm, why not?" He smiles and Harry... Harry smiles as well but Louis thinks that his own smile can't be real compared to Harry's. It looks so genuine and wide.

"Good. That's really good." He nods still with that goofy smile in his face.

"Good. That's really good." Louis repeats, mocking him and trying to mimic his husky voice. Harry glares at him and pushes Louis leaning his body over him, making him balance to the other side. "Be careful you titan."

"Titan?"

"Yes, they're gigantic and have stupid and smiley faces."

"Do they?" He grimaces and Louis only shrugs making Harry laugh then. He had the kind of laugh that would make everyone wanting to tell him jokes forever.

They reach the car and after putting the shopping bags in the trunk they climb in and Harry drives to his flat. Louis now focus on the way, since they don't talk much this time. He needs to remember the way, memorise the road. He fucking needs to.

They reach the place and after Harry parking in the lot reserved for the people from the building Louis takes his bags with the stuff it needs to be on the fridge and they walk in. The building is smaller than Louis', so less people must leave in.

"Good night." Harry greets the guy from the door in front of his. Other thing Louis learnt new from Harry is that he greets everyone from the apartment. A bit different from Louis though.

"Oh, hello Harry." The ginger's guy smiles at him and then looks at the side at Louis.

"How was the concert from the weekend?"

"Amazing, mate next time you're coming with me." Harry chuckles with the comment but nods.

"By the way, this is Louis. Louis, this is Ed, my not that noisy neighbour." He winks at the guy who smirks and then smiles politely at Louis.

"Nice to meet you. I'd shake your hand but yours seem occupied." Ed says and Louis just grins. Amazing that all this people have just shared such nice smiles around here.

"It's fine. Nice to meet you too."

"Better to go now. Have a good night you two." Ed smiles and opens the door from his flat to get in. Harry does the same and when they get inside they drop the shopping bags in the counter to save all the stuff.

"Remind me about my things in your fridge later." Louis says.

"I will, so it doesn't happen what happened to your clothes." Harry jokes.

"I have yours at mine."

"I burnt yours obviously." Harry tries to play seriously, making Louis notice how he got better at that. They laugh and soon start preparing the food, setting the table after Harry playing the radio on.

Louis doesn't do this with Zayn. He does a lot of things with Zayn that he used to do with Harry, most of them on purpose, but preparing the food while talking and laughing this way is a thing Louis isn't used anymore. Like breakfast. There's this kind of connection that Louis felt when they were younger, the domestic feeling. It's too soon to think this way but maybe it just didn't disappear.

Louis' phone had rang twice already, all calls from Zayn but he decided to ignore them and just put his phone in silence mode. He doesn't want to deal with his friend now. He is feeling something indescribable and weird and it's like he isn't sure he exists so he doesn't feel himself living. It doesn't make sense at all but he is with Harry next to him so he must be dreaming.

Half way when they are done there's the sound of the ring at the door. "People ring upstairs?" Louis asks looking at Harry, who is now wearing an apron saying  _I_ _can't_ _cook,_ _I'm_ _just_ _pretending_ , which Louis is almost sure that it's true and that detail didn't change, while making some salad.

They're cooking a premade lasagne, Christ, it's like the old times.

"The door downstairs is messed up, I don't know if you noticed it. Can you just answer it please?"

"Sure." Louis shrugs, frowning but walks towards the door and opens it.

"Hope you have dinner for –" Louis' eyes go wide.  _Fucking Niall._ Okay no. He can't hate the guy. And seriously he should feel bad for making his eye swollen that way. Louis can see a bruise around it, now less purple and more yellow, his lip is a bit sore as well. "Oh. Hi, Louis." He says, his voice not with the friendly tone Louis was getting used to, but still soft, however is a bit shaking and unsure.

"Hi." Louis simply replies. He honestly (didn't) try to make a nice tone and not cold at all.

"Niall?" Harry pops out behind Louis.

"Hey!" The blonde guy smiles. "Sorry, didn't know you had company. I thought about passing by to have dinner, but we can talk tomorrow or something." Louis doesn't hear Harry answering. Damn, he probably wants Niall making him company, instead or as well, Louis isn't sure but he bets this is kind of a regular thing. Niall coming around with no warning, which is weird but Louis had to handle..

"Stay." Louis says then, looking down. "I mean, we have food enough, right?" Louis looks back at Harry who looks unsure at him. He nods slightly. "Then stay. It's fine." Louis says stepping aside from the door and walking away so Niall can get in and shut the door.

"Are you sure?" Louis wants to laugh. He is scared.

"This is not my place. But you better just don't say anything and get in before I change my mind." He says maybe a bit too harshly and maybe regrets a little by the way Harry looks at him but it's all worth it by the way Niall is quick at coming in and avoiding eye contact with the brunette man.

~*~

The dinner is weird. Fucking weird to be said. Louis notices the effort Harry is putting not to let him down so Louis doesn't feel excluded. Saying this way it doesn't seem bad but it is... It is awkward and Harry isn't that subtle. He laughs nervously when Niall talks directly at him, he looks attentively at Louis when he speaks and even when he doesn't (attention, it's creepy), he comes up with the strangest topics to talk about with Louis (the weather one was the worst, Louis ignored) and sometimes he reaches the point to ignore what Niall is saying because he knows Louis wouldn't know what he is talking about.

So they are in silence now. Everyone gave up on talking and Niall and Louis have finished their meal while Harry is just half way.

"Go on." Niall says then and Louis keeps with his bored expression, holding his head in the palm of his hand, avoiding eye contact with Niall and looking around at the walls. At least these ones are interesting.

"What?" Harry asks lost, raising his head.

"To the bathroom. You are doing that thing with your leg and moving your feet." Niall sighs and Louis frowns. Why isn't he award of this detail?

"I don't –"

"We won't kill each other." Niall jokes and Louis raises his eyebrow thinking  _speak to yourself._

"All right." Harry looks at both at time and stands up walking to the bathroom, shutting the door.

"You know him really well, hum?" Louis asks right away, Niall seems to change a bit when looks at him, as if he just transformed into a different person.

He shrugs as an answer and Louis thinks he deserved better.

"When did you meet?" Louis doesn't know their story so he hopes Harry takes time in the bathroom (aka taking a shit) so they can talk.

"When he started working in the café." He answers dryly. Louis nods.

"You got along pretty quickly?" Niall shrugs again. And Louis moves his hand to rest his head on the other. "Listen man, I'm just trying to have a topic of conversation."

"Ask him these kind of questions then. I know where you wanna take this."

"Where?" Louis smirks looking attentively at the blonde man. Niall sighs.

"I don't want to fight."

"Are you saying you would fight with me if it was necessary?" Louis dares him, brows raised and a smug expression in his face.

"No. But you would." He simply says, voice neutral and now not showing any sense of fear.  _Maybe Louis would._ _Maybe._ "Look, I'm award that you two met a long time ago and were really good friends and now you seem to see me as an enemy or something. Mate, I did nothing to you and I honestly want to be in good terms with you because Harry seems really happy to have you here and you have no reason to see me as a treat. Just," he passes his fingers through his hair. "I care a lot about Harry, even if right now you still might know him better than I do, I care. So I know you are sort of important to him if not he wouldn't have kept pictures of you, that bracelet, the bear, Jesus, he keeps his whole old life he spent with you with him every day. I don't want to bother this thing. Whatever you two are trying to build. But you need to understand that I am part of his new life currently as well." He finishes and Louis isn't supporting his head in hands, he doesn't have that smug expression and smirk in his face anymore, he is just staring. Thoughtfully staring perhaps.

He decides that he doesn't want to punch Niall, let to the side shout at him for saying this. He only gulps in dry, processes what he just heard and looks at the side, avoiding those prettier blue eyes than his own.

"I'm sorry for punching you. And for not being fair with this whole time. ‘Guess it's... Complicated." He manages to say, still not looking at Niall.

Niall nods even though he can't see him. "I try to understand your side, Louis. And I sort of get it. So it's fine. I mean, punching me wasn't fine. It hurt. A lot." He chuckles. "But we can start again? Someday."

Louis turns to him one more time. He looks kind of unimpressed but in reality is more like the otherwise, he is just trying to keep his reputation. Not that he has one, but the poor guy think he has.

"All right. I guess." he says quietly. "Just tell me one –" the toilet is heard after running water from the sink and the door is opened, so Harry appears, walking towards them.

"Oh. You are still alive." He grins and sits down. Niall laughs but Louis just keeps looking at the blonde guy. He wanted to ask him how is Harry now. He wants to have the perspective other people has from him, who he is now, if he is really as happy as he described himself to be nowadays...

"Well lads, I'm going now." Niall says, standing up and grabbing his plate to put in the sink. "It was, erm, nice." He smiles.

"Already?" Harry asks and then looks at Louis who doesn't meet his gaze.

"Yes, I think I'm going to do what you told me to yesterday." He sighs, looking at Harry and Louis changes his face to confusion.

"Oh. Good luck." Harry smiles.

"See you." Niall pats him in the head. "Bye Louis."

"Bye." Louis says forcing a smile. Okay, he needs to work on that. Baby steps.

Harry keeps looking at the door even after Niall closing it, for some seconds. "Did something happen?" He asks then and Louis brings the glass of water to his parted lips, gulping and then looking at Harry after finishing it.

"No. And yes, I apologised to him, don't worry." He stands up and takes his plate to the sink, deciding to start washing it.

"If it was because you saw that as an obligation I implied to you, then you shouldn't have talked to him."

Louis stops what he is doing and turns around to face Harry in his chair. "I didn't." He raises his voce but then takes a deep breath.  _No_. "I did it because I wanted to, it was the right thing to do and I thought it'd be good for us and make you happy." He confesses turning away his back one last time, deciding against his forces to have a fight. There's no need of making a storm in a glass of water like he usually has been doing.

There's silence and then Harry speaks. "Thank you." He says and Louis feels him getting closer. He feels Harry behind him and freezes again. Then the taller guy only puts his hand above his shoulder. The sparks are there. "That's important for me, you two getting along I mean. So, please."

"So, I need to do it because you are implying it." He jokes turning to face him.

"I said please."

"I'm allowed not to get along with him then." He smirks and Harry hides his laugh.

"It'd be nice if you tried to be good to him." He raises his hands. "Just suggesting." Louis chuckles.

"Okay." He nods. "I will try. For you though, not because I want to, so it's clear I’m doing this for you." He tries to say, seriously. Harry smiles, eyes shining and Louis isn't sure if he got the mocked tone, however, it's true what he said.

~*~

"I met him in college and was the first and probably only person who actually showed some interest in me. Like, my real me." Louis answers.

They had cleaned the kitchen quickly and sat on the couch where Harry showed him some videos on YouTube he'd find funny and then other pictures he has taken but hadn't been printed. Louis felt special, because Harry thought about him and chose to show him these things. His personal things, Louis likes to think.

The topic about Zayn came out of nowhere, no context and Louis found strange listening to Harry saying  _talk to me about Zayn._

"It wasn't easy for me to let him in at first honestly and I don't know how one day I thought about giving him a chance to... To care." He sighs. Harry looks better at him, sitting his bum above his leg and moving his body to the side to look at the blue eyed man. "But I did and I don't know... It's good to have him around, he was like the light in the dark tunnel I was living in, homeless." Harry looks at him attentively and also curiously. If Harry talked about Niall to Louis his this way, he would feel so bad but he sees how it doesn’t bother Harry one bit.

"I trust him a lot, I live with him after all. He knows me well, he... He knows about you as well. He was the only person I mentioned you to, everything. He told me that he was going to help me to find you," he chuckles and looks at his lap. "It's weird telling you this but he turned to be my point of rescue, he knows my weak points, my fears, my everything… he turned to be who I needed in my life. I don't like to admit it, but he is like... A best friend for me." He sighs. "But it's still different with him from what it was with you. I tried not to feel that difference, but damn there's still so much emptiness in me that I couldn't avoid."

"All these years I was asking myself if you were alone, Louis and I'm so glad you weren't. I'm so glad you have him." Harry smiles and Louis looks surprised at him. This wasn't something he expected to hear. "I own Zayn a lot." He rests his back on the couch again and it's Louis' turn to move his body around to face him better.

"Is Niall, like, your... Zayn?" Harry chuckles with the way he asks the question.

"Not really. Niall is a really good friend, the first I made when I moved here. I told him about you because he asked me who you were from the pictures I have in the walls."

"You have a picture of me in the wall?"

"Yes, next to the one I have with the giraffe licking me, next to the mattress" He laughs a bit. Louis needs to look closely at those... "But my point is that I felt too guilty to build a friendship with Niall close to what we had. I never talked to him about my past and he respects it, he doesn't make me feel alone so that's all I need. Like Stella. She is great as well." He smiles and looks at his lap like Louis did previously. "No one replaced you, Louis, see?" He says quietly. Louis asks himself if it was low enough for him to pretend that he didn't listen.

"Our talks are always so intense, Jesus." Louis says after some seconds, spreading himself in his space on the couch. "Do you have something to break the ice, in the kitchen?" He asks looking at the green eyed man.

"You just did it." He laughs, making Louis smile with the pleasant sound.

"I must go." He says after looking at his watch. "It's getting pretty late."

"I'll give you a drive." Harry says standing up.

"Nonsense. I'll just get into a taxi or take the bus."

"It's what? Eleven o'clock, you won't find any close to this street by this time." He protests and Louis stands up as well grabbing his jacket. Harry gets in the kitchen to get Louis' stuff from the fridge. There's no need of fighting back, he'll lose.

"Don't forget my clothes." Louis warns him. Harry walks to him with the bags and the smiles cheekily.

"Let them be so we can have an excuse to see each other again." Louis quickly looks away muttering  _as if you need an excuse_ under his breath. Harry probably hears it, chuckling and patting him in the back so they get going.

Louis enjoys the lights from the night through the window, from the car, the whole way. The silence is finally comfortable and bearable, not making Louis want to jump out of the car when they stop by a traffic light.

Harry stops the car in front of Louis and Zayn's building, the street is desert at this time.

"Thanks for the ride. Next time I'll just drive my car so you don't need to come out this late, while being this cold."

"It's fine Louis." He says smiling, showing those annoying dimples, which Louis is still so damn fond of.

"It makes me look like I'm your son. Especially when you are that tall and apparently I look eighteen, without beard."

"Why are you always talking about my height, son? It makes me uncomfortable." He fakes being annoying and Louis only laughs. Harry let's a smile escape without his notice, the lights from the lamps outside illuminate their faces, their eye colour get dark and the air is still a bit cold, making the windows a little foggy.

"I didn't tell you." Harry interrupts their silence. "But I think I should have." He grins and Louis makes a face for him to continue. "You got even more gorgeous,  _Lewis_. Not fair. I thought it was impossible but,  _fuck_." He shakes his head, crossing his arms against his chest.

Louis' eyes get wide and okay he can't blame the cold for making his cheeks this reddish.

He doesn't know what to do, what to  _say_ , he can't simply reply with a  _thanks,_ _you too,_ this deserved a poem as an answer but his fingertips are so cold and believe it or not, that shakes with his brain as well.

"Go on now, it's late son." He jokes, the bastard jokes.

Louis allows himself to move (more like makes himself move), takes his shopping bags in one hand from close to his feet and opens the door from the car.

When he gets out, he doesn't shut it immediately, he quickly bends over and draws a smiley face on the window writing in a lazy handwriting  _that_ _was_ _cute._  He shuts it and walks away missing the way Harry's face lights up.

Louis climbs the stairs with a smile in his face, he doesn't remember when it was the last time he smiled this way for himself, alone. The sensation is so good it only makes him think that maybe everything is worth it, maybe it'll be all right, he wants it to be all right, maybe it was meant to be this way.

Honestly, if he and Harry were meeting for the first time he would do everything again. The fucks, the fucks up, everything. I'd to it all again.  
  
  
~*~

__  
  


 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » honestly i'm so sorry for the wait.. i don't update IN A WEEK, that's kind of a lot right? and now i finally give signal of life with this shitty chapter.. i'm still a bit down with my writing, i still don't think this is good but i appreciate the messages from the last chapter.   
> and what about the drama this whole week? shit, two steps forward and 500 behind right larries? man i found myself worrying too much about those crappy tweets and i could make a rant here about it but let's not. it wasn't louis, my louis is sweet, caring and supports lgbt.. that's all 
> 
> about the chapter as you can see what's in harry's mind is going to be shared if he wants to, when he talks with louis, it was like this in LM it'll be like this in here so no harry's pov , you get my poing right? there was no need of that in LM and you all knew how he felt! i dont have any question today so make up your own and answer it! love you guys !


	17. Failure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » i forgot to say on the previous chapter how 18 (i wished i could shout numbers *sigh*) IS SO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL AND THAT REMINDS ME MY BOOK ???? IT SCREAMS LOST/BUILT MEMORIES oKAY (AND LARRY BUT OH WELL ED SHEERAN WROTE IT SO NO BLAME)  
> sorry needed a moment  
> or two because hell i'm only updating once a week and that's not okay.

~*~ 

"Louis?" Is the first thing Louis hears when opens the door from the flat and gets in. Zayn is sat on the floor, his back pressed against the door from his room, his phone in one hand and his car's keys placed next to him.

Louis gives a step back when Zayn gazes at him with his glassy eyes, standing up quickly. "Jesus, Louis." He brings Louis close to him, wrapping his arms around him, while the older man keeps his arms next to his body, holding the shopping bags. "You got me so worried." He sighs, his body is cold against Louis and he hugs him tightly, with his hand holding Louis' nape.

The blue eyed guy frowns and pulls him away, by his chest. "What the hell are you saying?"

"I've been trying to call you since I got home, like four, five hours ago." He says in frustration now. "You didn't answer and I saw you made tea and toasts and they were left in the kitchen's counter. I thought something had happened. Or that you just ran away like the last time."

_Oh yes, the last time._

When they first moved to the flat, since the beginning Louis didn't like it. The nightmares got worst and Zayn kept asking him (in a joking tone) when they were going to look for Harry. It seems such long ago but it's only been four months. But Louis was so lost and desperate to find home that simply ran away, walking through the streets feeling more lonely than when he first felt.

Zayn went mad and spent all night looking for him, finding him sat on a bus stop freezing, the next morning. It was just another moment that Louis didn't take advantage of, to see how much Zayn cares. How he has someone who cares for him, might not be like he wants but it's like he needs.

"I was with Harry." Louis simply says looking at Zayn in confusion and wanting to open the door behind him and walk away again.

"Why didn't you answer my calls? Even Liam tried to call you. Jesus Louis, what the hell?" Zayn shows being upset with the blue eyed man, he doesn't know quite well where to place his hands, his eyes are narrowed looking at Louis, not believing the situation.

"I didn't... Listen to it?" Louis didn't mean it to sound as a question, but he shrugs anyway and walks past Zayn to the living room.

"Bullshit. You always hear it, it's always with you." He speaks a bit louder and Louis clenches his fist next to his body. He walks to the counter and puts the grocery there.

"Well this time I wasn't paying much attention to it, okay?" Louis says firmly, looking truly at his friend. He was in such a good mood, the fact that this is happening now, plus the way he has been feeling towards Zayn, this past days just makes it all worse.

"I was worried, why are you acting as if it didn't matter?"

"As simple as that, it doesn't. I'm okay, see?" He points at himself, moving his hands in front of his torso. Zayn snorts and shakes his head.

"I hate when you do this to me." He sighs pulling his hair back and looking up at the ceiling. Louis rolls his eyes,  _it's not me who is telling the other's secret to people,_  Louis wants to say but damn, he trusts Zayn... He deserves to listen to Zayn telling him for himself that.

"It was a long night, you should go to sleep." Louis decides to say, clenching his jaw when walks towards Zayn, but just to give him a quick look and walk past him to take his jacket off and put it on the couch.

However, his actions are stopped when Zayn grabs his arm, turns him around and makes him lay down on the couch, quickly. His back hits quite hardly on it and his head lays on the pillow. He shuts his eyes tightly due the impact but then Zayn is holding one of his wrists, sitting himself on top of Louis and his other hand resting on his shoulder.

"Stop doing this." Zayn half shouts.

"No, you stop." Louis looks at him in anger. "Stop touching me like this." He tries to get his wrist away from Zayn, but the dark haired guy doesn't allow that.

"It's the only way I have to get your attention in this situations, apparently." Zayn says, sitting straight above Louis' crotch. Louis keeps trying to fight with him, but it's useless. He bites his lip and looks away.

"I hate when you do this. I hate it." He whispers the words. It makes him feel weak, it makes him feel like there's always someone in command, always someone ready to put him down when he is already so far from the sky.

"I know you do. And you also know how much I hate when you push me away like this." Zayn tries to say severely but is almost a failure when looks at Louis, looking into the distance, his chest going up and down and he knows, he knows how the blue eyed guy feels. Zayn knows him so well, as much as Louis knows himself. But Louis  _needs_ someone who knows him better than he does, someone that points out things that he doesn't know or that he is too self concious to notice.

"You're hurting me."

"I'm not hurting you." Zayn sighs but drops Louis' wrist anyway to rest his hand on his chin instead, to make him look at his face. "You good, little one?"

"No. You ruined my mood." Louis huffs and even though Zayn keeps making his face turned at him, Louis looks away with his eyes. "I was doing just fine. Wonderfully, but you ruined it."  _Looking at you have been having that effect._

"I'm sorry." Zayn says honestly, his voice shows softness and understanding yes, but also attitude. "But please understand when I'm worried. Because, reminding of the day,"  _literally_  "I care, Louis." He says it just like someone who is so used to it, someone who has to say it so many times, should sound like. "And you need to tell me these things. Where you go and how you are feeling because I tell you that. Unfortunately, I can't figure it out myself so it's your work to -"

"I know." Louis interrupts him, his voice isn't loud, is actually soft. He looks at Zayn on top of him, it's actually bizarre and kind of funny but he knows Zayn only does it when he can't control him, when he knows Louis is not giving a shit when he should. "I know all of that."

"Do you know I care?"

Louis sighs again deeply. "Yes." And it's not a lie, is just something hard to say, something that sometimes is hard to believe in. It happens in the most inopportune and weird times. "Thank you..." Louis says as usual.  _Thank you for caring._

Zayn smiles and Louis' look softens. He puts his hand above Louis' cheekbone and caresses it with his thumb. Then, his expression changes, changes to something Louis can't decipher. And just like that Zayn is leaning over, in direction to Louis' lips and  _what the fuck._ Loui _s_  is quick at flinching and trying to sink his head in the pillow, in form of pulling away.

"What the fuck?" Louis asks confused and looking at Zayn as if he is an odd creature.

Zayn's eyes go wide and is fast at pulling away and getting out of Louis, sitting on the other end of the couch, not far away of course.

"Did you just tried to kiss me?"

"Fuck," Zayn rubs his temples and looks at his lap. "I'm sorry."

Louis stands up in sitting position next to Zayn, frowning looking at his friend with his eyes focused on the floor.

"Zayn?"

"I said I'm sorry okay?" Zayn raises his head and shouts at Louis. He is quickly at realising his tone and how raspy he sounds, but when he opens his mouth to speak, Louis interrupts.

"This is not something you just apologise for." Zayn looks away one more time. "Do you like me or something?" He asks as straight forward as possible. He is not mad, but hell, it's Zayn that we are talking about. They're friends for so long, the best of the friends now, Louis owns him a lot, Zayn was always there like Louis needed and never did anything that could possibly hurt him. But he does this now and Louis feels like something is out of place. "Because, hell, I couldn't handle it right now, Zayn."

"No." He clarifies quickly. "I don't like you... That way."

"Then why did you do that? Do you think it'd be okay? Because we're friends and I'm gay?" He panics and Zayn's eyes go wide, he knows what Louis is doing and now thinking. He thinks Zayn is doing what he did to Harry, which honestly should be the last thing he could be thinking about.

"No. Little one, listen no... That's not, god, that's not what this meant." Zayn raises his hand to touch his shoulder but Louis rejects the touch. "Don't think that way please. Louis I -"

"Are you gay now?"

"No." He denies quickly like he answered previously. "I mean... I don't know... I don't think so."

"Then what -"

"It was our kiss." Zayn interrupts Louis from shouting, he looks at the dark haired guy astonished. "From the new year's party... I don't know what got in my head but it was... It felt different. That night with Stella... It didn't feel right and I messed up everything. Maybe it was because I was drunk but," he sights avoiding eye contact. "I'm confused, I was just trying to see what was wrong with me."

"By using me? To see if you have feelings for me? For men?" Louis snorts, shaking his head.

"No! Louis, don't think that way, I beg you." He says and grabs Louis' hand in his, as fast as he can so the other guy can't pull it away. "I wasn't using you. And I don't feel that way towards you, rest." He fights for his words. "I just think that there's something different with me. I kissed her when we hang out and I found myself thinking that maybe I preferred a man." Louis frowns and Zayn let's go his hand to take it to his head, sighing deeply, frustrated. "It's not you. It's not... It's not you."

"Then who is it?" Louis raises his eyebrow.

"I don't know. That's the problem, I'm lost and confused."

Louis looks at him curiously. He remembers so well the time he started fighting with himself because of his sexuality, it was so frustrating and confusing. And the worst of that was that Harry didn't help it. There were times Louis blamed Harry because he was the one making him feel this way, as well as he blamed himself when Harry came out to him.

Now with Zayn is a bit different. Zayn doesn't like Louis. Louis wouldn't really handle that, it'd be something so triggering for him, in a way.

"Go to a gay bar and just get laid." Louis says then, resting his hand on Zayn's shoulder. He says it quite seriously.

"Louis, that doesn't help."

"Damn, it might. Or kiss Liam. Or Niall since he is new in your life, maybe he is the faceless guy you imagine yourself kissing." He twists his nose with the blonde guy's mention.

"Louis I'm not -" Zayn grimaces "I'm not going to start kissing my friends."

"Why not?" He shrugs. "You tried to kiss me. Don't say it's different with me or I'll punch. I mean it."  _He does._

Zayn looks away and gazes at the ceiling. "I don't know man. I'm scared." He groans taking both hands to his face. He stands up then, shaking his head and grabbing the cigarettes and the lighter from the coffee table, to walk to the window, to smoke.

"Why? You think you like Niall?"

"No." Zayn laughs after opening the window. He lights the cig and puts it between his lips. "I don't find myself liking him."

"Gross." Louis sticks his tongue out.

"Would you be mad if I did?" He dares him.

"Hell yes I would." He says in indignation but then stops a second to think. "Or not. I need to like the lad, you know, for Harry."

"Yeah, I know." Zayn takes another drag and pulls the cigarette out, holding between his fingers. "Thanks for listening to my rambling and confused words."

"Anytime. Sorry if I can't help that much." Zayn shrugs and looks out of the window. "Just don't think too much, do what comes in mind and what at first sight seems to be the best."

"I'll try. But it's fine for now, I just freaked out a bit."

"Yeah, me too." Louis joins his knees and bites the inside of his cheek looking at his hands going back and forth through his thighs. "Something else you wanna tell me?" He looks up at Zayn, who just stiffs and maybe that's enough for Louis to take it as an understanding.

"Not really." Zayn answers and Louis thinks that maybe he had drama classes and lied to him about that as well because he sounds convincing, sounds sure of it and sounds just like somebody should trust fully.

Louis nods. They were drunk, maybe Liam didn't mean what he said... Which, okay it probably isn't what happened, because Liam is the kind of drunk who says everything his soul keeps, the kind of drunk and secret agents would give drinks to get the information they want... Louis is sure Zayn is lying to him.

Hr sighs, this doesn't make him any good. Liam knows, now what? There's nothing he can do about it and it's not like it's something  _bad._ But Zayn broke Louis' trust, now Liam knows he is probably gay, now Liam knows the reason why Louis isn't that happy sometimes. It's miserable.

~*~

Two weeks go by with Louis having too much work to even accept Harry's invites to hang out. Having too much work to even worry about Zayn's subject. Too much work to worry about whether or not he had showered his hair the night before so he should do it tomorrow, flushed the toilet from the flat and put sugar in his coffee. Last thing is fine, he doesn't need sugar, he needs caffeine, fuck the people who think drama teachers don't have much work.

"Fuck them." He shouts, throwing the papers from the play he is improving, to give to the students and some paper work from exercises and things he needs to talk about in class. He is only half way from correcting the theory tests and they were done last week. He didn't sleep much last night, didn't have lunch yet and is too stressed. It's those days he hates being a  _not that valorised teacher._

"Woah, you shouldn't say that this loud." Louis raises his head, his fingers still sunk in his hair to be faced with Liam with a small transparent box in one hand.

"Oh it's only you..." He sighs pulling his glasses up from his nose.

"I like to see how happy you get when you see me.” Liam jokes. “You've been shut down in here since eight. From Monday. Last week." Liam jokes, but still sounding a bit concerned. "Zayn asked me to bring you your lunch since he is giving some extra classes to some students and couldn't come here." He says walking closer and placing the box with a huge baget in it. are they in France now?

"I'll eat it later, I need to get some work done before my next class, which is the last one, thank goodness." He raises his hands up in the air.

"Eat now, you've been too weak." Liam leans his waist over the desk, crossing his arms against his chest, looking at the man.

"I'm fine." He sighs, rubbing his temple. "Just want to get this done. We're almost reaching the break and that's my motivation to keep going. I need a rest and I can't have one with this much pile of work to do."

"You always seem more stressed over this than us." Liam chuckles but Louis only rolls his eyes.

"If this is your way to say, you don't need to be stressed with your work because we, English teachers, more prestigious ones, don't feel and you work less than us, then I politely suggest you to fuck off." He says somehow amusingly but at the same time he takes his own words seriously. Too seriously.

"Again, you shouldn't curse this loud." Liam chuckles and then pushes Louis' food towards him. "Eat."

"Okay Liam. But leave, I'm wasting my precious time with you."

"All right, all right, Mr Sympathy." Liam shakes his head. "Listen, just one thing..." He starts and Louis lets his pen fall off on the desk.

"I knew you wanted something else from me."

"It's not like that," Liam starts, panicking and saying defensively. "I'm just... What's wrong with Zayn?" Louis frowns and Liam takes it as his cue to continue. "He has been acting weird. Like... The kind of weird he is not. The kind of weird you are." He twists his nose and Louis snorts.

"Thank you, Liam. Coming to my classroom to defame me in my face is just so nice and beautiful. I appreciate it." Louis fakes cleaning tears from his eyes and then rests his hand above his heart.

"Glad you didn’t lose your sense of humour even being tired." Liam nods. "But sorry... You understood though?"

"Yes." Louis says wearily. "But I didn't notice." He furrows his brow. "Is he being weird in general or just with you?"

"In general." Liam pauses. "And with me. It counts as in general, right?" He asks then and Louis nods, narrowing is eyes.  _Why do I have to handle idiots?_ "Right." Liam completes.

"Something else?"

"I thought you could..." He stops and bites his lower lip, looking away. "Forget it, maybe we talk later. Another time, when you're less... Busy."

"Brilliant idea." Louis agrees smiling a bit and grabbing the tests from the pile next to him.

"Eat." Liam repeats after starting to walk out. "I'll see you, Louis."

"Bye." Louis says looking at the papers and not paying that much attention.

When he finishes one test and is finally concentrated to finish it till 3pm, his phone vibrates on the table, next to the forgotten food Liam had the gentility to bring him.

"This is a signal from God. And he doesn't want me to work." He mutters and grabs it to check the message received.  _Can I call you rn?_ He reads.

He has only talked to Harry by call once in a while. Two of those times were the ones Louis declined his invites to hang out because  _too tired, too much work, too sleepy to facing life,_  and three of those was Harry checking on Louis. Louis’ clothes are still on Harry’s and Harry’s clothes are still in Louis’. They probably will be for a long time. Louis also called. Once. To hear about the green eyed guy because it seemed too rude not to say something as well. And because he wanted. Mainly because he wanted.

So he accepts the signal God gave him and he dials Harry's name to call him.

"Oh, Louis."  _Damn Harry and his happy voice._

"Hi you." Louis chuckles and  _damn him and his tired and ugly voice._

"How are you today?"

"Better than yesterday, still being a walking dead body, but I'll reach the light someday." He jokes, supporting his elbow on the table with the hand he isn't holding the phone.

"I'll guide you." Harry laughs.

"Very nice of you."

"Well I won't take much of your time since you're probably busy." Harry starts then. "I just felt like calling you to tell you this because, you know..."

"I know." Louis says since Harry doesn't continue, however he doesn't know. Well he knows a little bit.

"Right." Harry laughs again. He sounds so happy and well rested. Damn, Louis wants a bed. "So today I'm going to a job interview. For commercial photography though. I found a company who looks for people and they work for such a variety of things. It's like, perfect you see?"

"Really? That's great, Harry!" Louis says, a grin forming in his face.

"I know right? If I get accepted I can work for catalogues, magazines, shows and just wow..." He takes a deep breath and Louis doesn't feel that tired right now. "Imagine if they like me? I heard that they also released a book with photographs’ collection of a few artists and about their techniques and advises... That's a dream, that's –“

"What you always wanted." Louis interrupts, a wider grin in his face, eyes shining, suppressing the dark circles under them.

"Yes..." Harry says softly. "Jesus, this seems surreal."

"You will get in."

"I hope. But I don't want to feel too confident so then I can feel bad for not getting." He says, his voice lower.

"Don't think that way. Optimism, young Harry, is the key." He encourages him in amusement. "Keep calm, talk poetry to them in that interview and slay. They'll adore you and your charm." Harry giggles from the other side and Louis would give everything for that to be his ringtone.

"Thank you." Louis bets he is smiling and that's wonderful.

"You're welcome. And thank you… for telling me this."

“I wanted to share it with you.” Harry says happily. There's silence for some seconds and Louis hopes Harry is still smiling like he is. "Well, I'll let you know if I get it –“

"Which you will."

“–they said it's going to be quick." Harry continues chuckling. "So yeah... If I get it I want a celebration, so be free from work."

"I'll try my best. For you." He teases.

"Good answer. I'll go now and let you have fun all alone again."

"Very encouraging."

"My pleasure." They laugh. "Bye Louis, have a nice day."

"You too, young Harry." Louis smiles and maybe they keep in silence for other more seconds before hanging up. They surely do.

~*~

 _I’m such a failure, I didn’t get the job._ Louis reads two days later. It’s Friday in the afternoon and he is in front of his desk like he had been the past two weeks, tests are corrected and delivered, his papers work are almost done and he can hear the freedom calling for him soon. However, this message just made him look at his phone for some seconds, with his heart on his sleeves and with mouth semi opened, not really wanting to continuing anything else.

He had received in the same day from the interview a message of Harry saying,  _I’m pretty confident, it went so well Louis, I’m so happy,_ which okay, is a synonym of happiness for Louis himself. It took him by surprise now receiving this message, because when he saw  _new message from_ _Harry_  on the screen he had sure it would be a completely different one. But then… Harry would call him if he got it and he didn't. Louis can only imagine a Harry curled up on the couch eating ice cream, with a frown in his face and the blinds from his flat shut, so it's all dark. However, the image of Harry still doesn't fit with reality.

Louis calls him then, because Harry is only able to feel sad in his presence, so he can change it. It rings four, five, six, seven times till it goes to voicemail. He tries again and again but he never gets a response.

"Fuck," he whispers. He looks around. He won't have any more classes, he only stayed because of Zayn, as always, so he tried to finish his work. It's 5pm, Harry is mostly likely to be finished with his shift by now. He collects his things in his bag, takes the keys from the car and from the flat (thankfully Zayn has his today) and walks out of the room.

 _I'm on my way._ He texts Harry but doesn't shut the screen from his phone yet, first he also texts Zayn.  _I'm going to Harry's it's urgent,_ _have a ride from_ _Liam I don't know when I'm coming back._ _It’s your turn to cook dinner._

He almost bumps into some students and teachers due being too focused looking at the phone's screen and concentrating on getting out of there.

~*~

He knocks on the door twice and there's no answer as well. Sure it's a light touch but Harry didn't text him back and Louis can only think about that maybe Harry doesn't want him there, doesn't want his company. Louis isn’t ready to hear Harry telling him to go away because he wants to be alone, for the first time after fourteen years. Louis has his memories all saved in his mind, he doesn’t want to forget about anything that he spent with Harry.

“Harry?” he decides to say loudly, still gently knocking at the door. “Can you please open the door? Please?” he bites his bottom lip. He doesn’t hear anything from the other side, maybe he isn’t at home? Maybe he went for a walk? For a run? Maybe he never was on the flat… Louis doesn’t know.  _Fuck, Louis doesn’t know._  He doesn’t know what Harry routine still is, what he decides to do now when he feels sad because when he knew him, he would go to Louis’, back in Doncaster. It’s impossible to know what Harry does now.

 _Maybe he goes to Niall’s._ Louis thinks. He looks down at the small carpet, in front of the door saying  _the neighbours have better stuff_ , which makes him laugh a bit despite his thought.

 _The neighbour._ Louis raises his head and turns around to look at the door from Ed? Ed, yes that was his name. From Ed’s flat, he walks forward and knocks at it twice.

Twenty seconds later, the ginger boy appears at the door wearing a huge hoddie and sweater pants. “Oh, hello!” He says, smiling a bit at Louis, obviously surprised at seeing the blue eyed guy.

“I’m sorry if I’m disturbing you mate,” Louis starts politely, he only wants to laugh now by the face Ed is doing. He is weird, he  _looks_ weird, but also funny, which makes hard for Louis to act formally. “but have you seen Harry, by any chance?”

“Seeing Harry by any chance is just the luck of the day.” He jokes and Louis frowns a bit not understanding the reference, however, he continues. “Fortunately, I had. When I came from my classes he was getting home with a shopping bag in hands. He looked down. Literally. He didn’t even say his usual greet and I didn’t see his warm smile. Consequently, I’m having a bad day.” he says in amusement but at the same time Louis notices that he might even be telling the truth.

“He isn’t answering at the door.” Louis says sadly. Harry is most definitely at home and he didn’t have the decency to open the door for him.

“That doesn’t sound like Harry.” Ed frowns. “I’ve only seen you around here once, twice? Now… are you a good friend of him?” Louis takes a step back with the sudden question.

“Erm, kind of.” He answers scratching the back of his head. “I know him for a long, long time.”

“Long time?” He raises his eyebrow and Louis sighs.

“Since he is a kid.” And saying this out loud makes Louis feel incredible. Really, it does. He is showing to the world that he is the only one to know Harry’s past, the only one who knew Harry by that time. He was Harry’s life. He wished he could say that as well.

“Oh.” Ed seems surprised. “All right, listen, do you think I can trust you his key’s house?”

“You have his key’s house?”

“Yes. And he has mines. Way to save your spare key. Also, when I go to my hometown, Harry usually comes to mine to give food to my cat. He is a stubborn and lazy little shit who only loves his space in this flat and doesn’t get used to Harry’s flat.” At this moment an orange/yellow fat cat appears at his feet, rubbing his muzzle in Ed’s ankles. “Speaking of the devil.” Louis chuckles.

“You can trust me. You’d make me a huge favour if you could lend me it.” Ed nods and disappears into his flat. The cat doesn’t follow him he sits front of Louis as if barring his entering inside the house. He keeps looking up at Louis, almost in the eyes, quiet uncomfortably, moving his tail from behind. Louis raises his eyebrow looking back at the cat, who looks away, but still raising his chin up, showing superiority.

 _You pretentious and spoiled brat._ Louis thinks, laughing a bit. Ed appears after some seconds then.

“Sorry for the wait.” He says rushing to the door and handing Louis a simple, golden colour key.

“Thank you very much, I own you one man.” Louis smiles a little, which Ed answers back. He looks down at the cat, who till here was sure looking again at Louis but the moment his blue eyes land on him, the orange cat slowly turns his head away at his owner, meowing. “Goodbye you too.” Louis chuckles and the cat puts in his four paws and walks away, turning his tail towards Louis. He only shrugs.

“Ignore him.” The cat meows when hears Ed speaking. “See you later, give me the key when you have the time.” Ed smiles and waves before shutting the door.

Louis takes a deep breath and walks again to Harry’s door. He knocks one more time, no answer after ten seconds so he just slips the key into the locker to open the door. He slowly pushes it, opening the door to show Harry’s flat. He gets in and shuts it behind, the same moment he looks forward he sees Harry sat on his mattress, his legs stretched along it and his back rested on the wall where the opened window is, letting the chill air getting in. He might not be in the darkness but Louis was right about one thing. He has an empty small box of ice cream next to him, with a spoon inside. His laptop is far in front of him, playing some music, which Louis thinks he didn’t turn the radio on because it needed to be a specific one.

Harry quickly looks at where Louis is coming, his hair looks longer than Louis previously thought it was, there is just a few curls in that mess and his lips look too red, as if he was biting them hardly previously.

“Hi.” Louis’ voice hardly comes out from his throat. He coughs to relieve the awkwardness. “I’m sorry for coming here like this, erm, Ed gave me the key.” He finishes gulping in dry and then coughing again.

He knows Harry sighs one more tome and then looks away from Louis. He slightly hits his head on the wall underneath the window and looks up at the ceiling –or is it just forward?

“It’s not a good time to talk. Reason why I didn’t answer the door. Neither your calls.” Harry says huskily. He doesn’t particularly sounds mad, which Louis thinks it’s an achievement. If this was happening with him, he’d be freaking out, which only reminds him that Harry is the calm type now. Always was, in a way.

“You’re shutting me down, then?” Louis says, hurt. Incredible hurt because hell, he kind of knew this was going to happen but he didn’t want to face it. He keeps on the same place, still without the courage to move.

“A bit.” Harry answers dryly and that’s not an answer. That’s far from being a decent answer. “Can you please go, Louis? I’m sorry.” He truly sounds sorry, however Louis had learnt that this isn’t the best thing to do. Okay, he isn’t the best person to think this way, he shuts down people, Zayn mostly… even his mom, it’s his hobby basically. He is so used to it that he already doesn’t let people in naturally. But it’s Harry who we’re talking about, Louis is stubborn and he has been pushing Harry away unintentionally, against his will for almost five years, he is not going to let this happen.

Harry had changed but after this, Louis can only think that maybe a part of him came back to be the old Harry. The tiny, young Harry with ten years old, who didn’t know that Louis was going to be the one next to him from that on, to make him talk, to make him stop doodling on an old journal because he thought that he couldn’t speak. The one that would change him into someone happier.

“I’m not going anywhere, Harry.” He laughs dryly but still says strictly.

“Please.”

“No.” Louis insists. “Are you kidding? Do you really think I’m just walking away from that door because you said so? Because you want to be alone?”

“Niall would.” He almost whispers and Louis takes two steps forward.

“Good that I’m not Niall, right?” He rhetorically asks, still being serious. Niall would fucking leave him in his worst. Niall would let Harry alone with his thoughts, alone with his sadness, alone with the darkness. Harry doesn’t have a Zayn in his life, because his Zayn was always Louis. Louis was always his Louis. “Fucking great.” He finishes and walks towards the mattress where Harry is, still not meeting his eyes.

“Louis, don’t.” He says, finally looking up at the older guy. His lips form a straight line and he looks at Louis strictly, like he had never looked before. “I just feel pathetic and a failure right now. I don’t need people to tell me lies. Especially you. I don’t need you to tell me things you don’t even believe in but think that it’d make me feel better. It doesn’t and I –“ he sighs in frustration and takes his both hands to his hair, sinking his fingers deeply through them. “I’m a mess and I don’t want you to see me like this. I’m mad. Really mad at myself.”

Louis sits next to him. Trying to ignore Harry’s denials of letting him getting closer. He is not going to ignore the rest.

“You’re beautiful.” Louis says, the words slipping out of his tongue so easily, so freaking easily that it’d make anyone out of breath. Then he grins when Harry looks at him in confusion, his beautiful green eyes narrowed and then going wide from a moment to another. “See? Not a lie and it probably isn’t the best thing to say right now. Like, not the right thing.” Harry tilts his head and stares at him for a moment before looking away to the other side, at the wall. Louis is sure he is smiling and just didn’t want to give weak part. “Harry,” he softly calls him, placing his hand on Harry’s shoulder. The younger man looks at him right away, but looks down, shutting his eyes for a moment.

“Maybe if I had finished college I’d have got it.” he confesses and Louis takes his hand away from him. “They accepted another person because it had better qualifications.” He shakes his head and smiles faintly. A dead and cold smile. “”If I hadn’t ran away and finished it before coming here, if I had handled a little bit longer, a little bit better, if I had been stronger I could have done it.” he continues. Louis is pulled back by his voice, it’s rough and it breaks him, it breaks him because Louis knows he is talking this way to himself, mad at himself, he is having a fight with himself. “But I’m just a disaster, am I not? I’m working on a coffee shop, so far away from my dreams, I’m living a life far away from what I expected because I’m weak, because I run away from shit.” He is shouting and it still isn’t directed for Louis. Louis lets him be and hopes not meeting his sad eyes on the way. “I saw this as hope, I saw this as an opportunity to start my life like I planned.  _You appeared_  and now I’d have a nicer job, a job where I could do what I always wanted. I’d gain more money to buy a better flat, with a real bed, for god’s sakes. I wasn’t living with this much hope for so long, these last few months. Now I feel devastated, crushed down.” He sighs after giving Louis a brief look.

Louis didn’t realise that maybe Harry was feeling the same way as him.

“I want to do what makes me happy, Lou.” He finishes. His voice sad and his words hit Louis like millions of broken glass being thrown out at him. He looks at the sad guy –boy, he looks just like the Harry, Louis knew, not in appearance but in something else, in everything else, because that was what mattered to Louis – he looks at him in such a way, a way that deserved to be taken a picture so Harry could put it on his wall.

Then he nods. Louis only nods, he has nothing to say and he knows, he is so glad he knows that Harry isn’t expecting him to say anything, he just simply doesn’t want Louis to say something. He just wants him to understand and Louis understands him fully.

Harry sights in relief, looking at Louis like he always should. Then he is leaning over and letting his forehead fall on Louis’ shoulder, supporting his weight there. Louis freezes a moment, not sure where to place his hands, what to do and he even stops breathing so it doesn’t bother the younger man.

“Just for a little bit.” Harry whispers,  _stay forever if you want to._ Louis can smell the light sense of his shampoo mixed with his perfume, Harry’s body is close enough to warm Louis up… or it’s just his heart. After some seconds he is leaning closer towards Louis’ neck, his hair tickling his chin and Louis tries his best not to move and mentally apologises every time he breathes so Harry’s head goes up and down along his body. He feels Harry’s hot breath when he least expects it, hitting the skin from his neck, giving him goosebumps.

Harry keeps supporting himself with his hands pressed against the mattress while moves his face closer from Louis’ neck line and then… then Louis isn’t sure, Louis is way too far from earth, too far from that reality, too far from the present but he is almost sure that he feels,  _feels_ Harry’s lips feebly touching his skin, between his collarbones and neck. That place, that same gesture, that same fucking feeling, Louis is sure it’s so close from it, so close from reality. The flowers are raising themselves, the petals don’t fall, the colours are an infinite of unimaginable ones. Life is coming from death.

At the end Harry simply pulls away, not even meeting Louis’ eyes –and Louis is glad from it because he’s afraid of his look, of what Harry could see if he looked at him –and returns to the same position Louis first saw him when he opened the door.

The blue eyed guy starts counting the folds from the sheets, how the shadows look like in the white sheets and turn into a shade of grey. When he raises his head his warm face feels the shock of the chill air coming from the window. He inhales and exhales and the silence starts being deafening.

He pulls the paper he was saving on the pocket from his jacket, the one he quickly thought about on the way through the corridor and did with his leg placed on the seat from his car, a book underneath it and using the blue and red pen he was using previously.

“Here.” Louis places it on Harry’s lap and he looks at it in curiosity. “Go on.” Harry carefully looks away from Louis to grab the piece of paper. He unfolds it, Louis heart skips a beat and when he notices Harry giving the first glimpse through the unfamiliar and creative handwriting, he opens his mouth to add  _read it out loud –like the last time –_  but Harry doesn’t need to hear that.

“Remember that there’s no such thing as failure.” He starts and his lips instantly twist in a small smile. “There is only learning. Sometimes you will end up learning what doesn’t work and that’s okay. And sometimes what seems like a terrible failure will turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.” Harry catches Louis’ gaze when he looks up from the paper to look at the man. “And the result will be better than anything you could have imagined. So freaking relax already.” Harry chuckles with the last words. Louis notices how his eyes move and realises that he is reading it quickly again mentally. “You did it again.” He shakes his head, sadness no longer seem to be present.

“Did what?”

“Surprised me with this kind of letters.” Harry smiles sweetly and genuinely. Louis nods again. He remembers that one stupid card he offered Harry, when he was sick, on valentines’ day. He remembers it too well. “Thank you so much.” Louis notices how Harry moves a bit forward as if he was going to do something –maybe hug him, why not? But he hesitates and pulls away making that movement seem nothing.

He moves to the other side of the mattress instead and Louis sees him reaching out for something at the side. He tries to be as subtle as possible but he sees what he pretends. Harry opens an old brown book, with papers falling over, the cover all messed up, dirty, with faded letters written in black and papers ripped out. He puts the card on the last page and shuts it to place on the floor again.

_The journal._

Louis realises then. That maybe some things –a lot of things – are still the same after all these dark years. That Harry, after all, doesn’t need to worry because there’s still hope. So much hope, because the world started to move around the sun along with Louis and Harry together somewhere, once again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » kind of a happy chapter hum??? so much progress oh god.. guys, i really appreciate when you comment and give me your ideas and thoughts about this and the last chapter didn't have much *sad* is it because i'm taking way too long to update?  
> all right but today i have questions  
> was zayn's method the best to control louis and why did he do that? do you think harry still writes in his journal? if yes, what? if not, what does he do then? after this do you think louis and harry's feelings are different? what are the similarities and differences?
> 
> a lot but this vv important !!!!!!!!!!!!


	18. Sorry

The following week Louis started to go to work with a huge smile on his face, with only one cup of coffee and hair and teeth brushed nicely. He could give many excuses to explain this but only one seems to be the correct one. On Friday he will drive off to Doncaster and only come back on Monday. There's some kind of Holiday because of being on half spring term or something like that, Louis doesn't care the reason why because he doesn't need to work, he will visit his family and this time he will go feeling a little bit less miserable.

Louis had noticed the way Zayn has been behaving. True, it's weird, but after the conversation they had Louis understands it more or less. Zayn still hasn't told him about what he did, so he is sure he doesn't pretend to. He is just going to let Louis live without knowing that Liam knows a bit more of his past. The past he doesn't even know about Liam.

He walks through the corridor with his bag in one shoulder and a book he finished reading under his other arm. He smiles at the students and teachers who greet him and when he looks at one side, he sees Jonathan against a locker smiling at other guy. Louis concludes that it must be his best friend from what he remembers. At least he is okay.

Louis reaches the car with Zayn already in. The radio is on and he is looking into some papers, probably essays from his students. Louis goes to the driver seat since Zayn is using the passenger one.

"You're late." He says firstly when Louis sits next to him.

"Yeah, sorry," he turns around to put his bag and book on the back seat. "Needed to let some stuff done with the students and ended up finishing class later." Zayn puts the keys to start the car in Louis' turn, since he was the one having them.

Louis drives the car off from the parking lot. "Do you want to go somewhere?"

"No. Do you have anything in mind?"

"I need to pass by Harry's. But first I need to go to the flat to pick his stuff so I'll drop you off there."

"Sure." Zayn says, turning the volume from the radio lower. "At what time you're going today?"

"The train leaves at six." Louis answers. Zayn nods and Louis wonders what he is going to do these three days at home till Louis comes back. He could ask him to come as well, but Louis feels like Zayn is not in the mood to handle Louis' family and he probably has work to do... Maybe he is going to visit his family as well. Even if they live in London, he doesn't see them very often so.

When Louis reaches the flat they climb the stairs and he tries to pack the best he can so when he comes from Harry's he doesn't have to do much. It's half past four so he has exactly an hour and fifteen minutes to get ready. This needs to be enough.

After getting his hygiene stuff prepared and put two pair of jeans, three sweatshirts and underwear in his bag he gets Harry's clothes (the oh so long forgotten shorts and t–shirt) and puts it in a small bag so he can go give it to him.

 _Let them be so we can have an excuse to see each other_ _again,_ it's a good time to use that excuse right? Louis just wants to see him before going away for the weekend. Though, he could simply go there and tell Harry  _hey I just came here to see you and say goodbye since I'm going away for three days._ No... He couldn't. He would feel pathetic, not knowing how Harry would react. It'd be awkward, so yes, good time to use that excuse.

"I'll be back in some minutes." He shouts on the hallway while Zayn is in the kitchen, probably watching TV. He shouts back an  _okay_ and Louis takes it as his cue to walk out.

The way to Harry's takes ages because of the traffic, taking him more than fifteen minutes. He is already stressing out just by thinking that maybe he won't have enough time. But damn, he wants to see Harry, he needs to.

When Louis climbs the stairs from the building (the door is still not fixed) he makes a mental note to next time bring Harry's key since he still didn't give it back to Ed. He hopes the guy isn't thinking badly about it.

He knocks twice and otherwise the last time Louis came here Harry opens it quickly. He probably got home not that long ago because he is still wearing his coat. His hair is brushed to the side and he is wearing his usual charming and polite smile.

"Hi, Louis." He greets, stepping aside a bit so Louis can come in.

"Hi you." Louis grins looking up at the younger guy, the crinkles from the corner of his eyes forming. "Sorry coming without warning..."

"I love this surprises."  Harry says looking at him in awe and Louis could stare at him the whole time but, right, he has a train to catch.

"Well, I'm using an excuse to come here visiting you." He jokes showing him the bag he has been holding with Harry's clothes.

"I was looking forward for you to keep them." Harry takes his jacket and puts it on the handle next to the door. Louis notices that he does this in this particular time because he doesn't want to meet Louis' eyes.

"Oh. All right." He giggles. He can't fucking giggle,  _how old are you,_ _Louis?_ "But I want mines back." Harry laughs and looks at him again.

"I'd give them to you anyway. They don't fit me." He smirks and then walks towards the part where his room is supposed to be, to grab something from the chair next to the mattress.

"I hope you aren't trying to imply anything." Louis plays serious.

"Of course I'm not." Harry says walking towards him with a smirk on his face and handing Louis his clothes. He missed those pair of jeans.

Harry puts them on the same bag Louis used to carry his. "Waste of time." He sighs dramatically.

"What? Coming here? No." Harry says seriously but Louis nods as if saying the otherwise.

"It was. Anyway, I'm going then." Harry grabs his arm to stop him.

"You can stay." He softly says, his voice coming out almost as a whisper and no signs of amusement now.

Louis opens his mouth ready to say yes of course and considering crashing here and forget the train he needs to catch. Instead, he says. "With all seriousness. I would love to." Without thinking he places his hand above Harry's while speaking, but is quick taking it out, making Harry drop his arm. "But I have a train to catch. Came here also to tell you goodbye." Harry frowns. "Which, well, is pathetic," He laughs nervously. "Because I'm coming on Monday again."

"Oh." He says almost relieved and Louis doesn't realise that he let split the wor _d goodbye_ as a way of leaving. "Are you going to visit your family?"

"Yes, I need to move ambient for a couple of days." Harry nods. "How long haven't you been there?" Louis asks uncertainly.

"Very long." Harry simply answers.

"Thanks for this." Louis chuckles raising the bag again with the clothes, noticing that the best is just not touching this kind of subjects.

He clearly is taking Harry's words seriously. He will finally have a shirt from Harry that still has his smell, his actual smell and that isn't five years old, to sleep with.

"You're welcome." Harry smiles a little. Louis takes some time looking at him, thinking what to say, giving an imaginary step forward but not actually doing it, till he meets Harry's eyes and gulps in dry.

"I should go now." He points at the door and turns around, Harry walks behind following him at the door.

"Have a good trip." Harry says before Louis smiles at him as a thanks.

"We will talk later." He says then just so he doesn't need to say  _goodbye_.

Harry shuts the door and Louis can't have control of his feet to move his body and walk away. He keeps stepping on that ridiculous carpet with a weird message and looking forward at the blank doors from the elevator.

He has forty five minutes now. Just the limit to go, however he can't. He can't leave and he is wasting time. He plays with his fingers next to his body, breathes heavily and turns around, keeping on the same place. He tightly squeezes the handles from the bag and shakes his head, for no particularly reason.

Then he just knocks again. Thrice this time.

Harry opens the door quicker and looks confused at Louis. When he is opening his mouth to speak Louis doesn't hesitate one bit.

"Do you wanna come with me?" He bursts out, Harry's eyes go wide mimicking Louis' because  _what the hell is he thinking?_ Right, he isn't. He isn't thinking, he just hasn't been thinking much lately... He hasn't stopped and thought about the benefits and consequences of it. Harry can change him in a blink of an eye. Change him by disappearing and changing again by reappearing into his life.

_Into his life._

Louis fucking wants it. He wants Harry properly in his life again and he is already so into it that he can't be himself, can't have his feet on earth. He is now doing what he stopped doing a long time ago. Fighting for life and happiness.

"What are you saying Louis?" Harry asks shocked, so out of himself with his eyes narrowed looking at Louis as if he is a stranger. He isn't anymore. He never was.

"I know it's crazy," Louis speaks with his hands and he is so impressed with himself that he isn't saying  _forget it,_  because he doesn't want to forget it, he won't forget. He won't give up. He doesn't want to make Harry think that he doesn't want him in his life. "It's fucking crazy." He laughs a bit dryly. "But I'm asking you this because I want you to come. To Doncaster." Harry shakes his head, opens his mouth to say something, which makes Louis raising his voice. "With me. Seeing my family."

"No." He says frantically not even letting Louis speak the last words.

"Please Harry. I'm asking you this one thing." He is desperate, Jesus, Louis is desperate. It's such a big, a huge step but he isn't afraid of falling because he thinks Harry will be next to him to catch him. But will he? "Please, come with me. It'll be okay I –"  _I promise._ He bites his tongue and that's Harry's cue to talk.

"I can't go Louis." He keeps shaking his head in a way that makes Louis' heart ache, because it shows how much in denial Harry is. "They hate me Louis. I can't... No."

Louis presses his lips tightly and his eyes... He doesn't notice (Harry probably doesn't too) but they look so sad, so different from all those times he had looked at Harry as hope, life, freedom. If Harry knew Louis like he knew years before, if he had that connection never once broken before, he would notice how broken Louis has been because of this.

"They don't hate..." Louis lowers his voice, his eyes searching blank spaces behind Harry or at the side. "They would never hate you, Harry, how can you say that?" He is mad but damn he can't show it.

"Because..." He sights.

"They don't fucking hate you, Harry, okay?" He repeats firmer. "They miss you, you can't imagine how much that family, my family, I, miss you... Everything changed, because you are needed there." Harry stares at Louis in loss of words. Louis shakes his head, rubbing his temples and sights. "It's still breath–taking going to that place knowing I won't see you. Looking at the streets, looking out at the window, looking at the corner of my room, at my front door and see shadows of two happy boys looking at each other, talking to each other,"  _loving each other_ _"_ just... Being alive there and knowing that it won't happen again." He whimpers and looks away from Harry. Harry's eyes, Harry's touch. "Fuck." He groans.

"Louis..." Harry whispers trying to reach him.

"I'm just asking this one thing." He says ignoring Harry's tone of voice and gesture. "Just this favour. Come with me, stay for the weekend. It's actually really important, for me and for them, I bet. We can even..." He pauses and gulps. "We can stop there. If it's what you want we won't ever see each other again. I won't talk to you ever again, I won't bother you, I will be okay because this is the last thing I wish for. Then it's fine, you don't need to talk to me, we don't –"

"Louis!" He half shouts. "Louis," his tone softens. Harry's hand reaches out for Louis' elbow to push him closer to him. There's a safe space between their bodies but that still makes Louis chest goes up and down quickly by looking up at the younger man. "I want to talk to you. I want to see you every day, I want to hear from you every morning and being able to feel secure at night knowing that you're okay. That's my wish. That's what I want from now on and to last the forever we deserve. I don't want to lose track of you again. Please." He brushes Louis' upper arm up and down sweetly. "I'm just so scared." then he takes his hand through his hair apprehensively.

Louis nods, understanding. "I am too. But I've been living with so much fear in my eyes, sadness in my heart and anger in my veins that I want to change that. So badly." Harry bites his bottom lip, his hand grabbing his nape being his neck. "Harry, please." He takes one step closer, making Harry look at Louis deadly in the eyes, the tip of their shoes almost touching, their hot breathes hitting each other's faces. Louis grabs Harry's wrist, the one whose hand is behind his neck and just holds it still. "Please." He mutters, lips moving, sound hardly coming.

He opens his mouth then closes it again. He passes his tongue through his teeth and carefully looks at the way Louis grabs his wrist, making the blue eyed guy drop it slowly. "All right." Louis smiles.

~*~

Harry falls asleep on the way, on the train's seat. They almost got late to catch it, plus buying the tickets in the last hour. Harry packed quickly and on the way to Louis and Zayn's flat he called Stella to take his shift on Monday since she owned him one anyway. Then he called Niall saying that he was going to Doncaster with Louis. No further explanations. And listening to all of that, Harry saying it so causally (but Louis noticing his expressions) was strange.

When they got into the flat and Zayn saw Harry he just kept there staring. Following Louis with his eyes when he walked around to grab something or staring at Harry, who awkwardly sat on the couch (on the edge of the couch), hands on his knees, his back not even rested on it and strictly looking at one particularly point. The light from the DVD player.

Louis didn't have time to explain, he will need eventually. He said it, when Zayn hugged him tightly, kissed his forehead and said  _take care little one,_ he whispered in his ear  _I'll text you._ He also noticed the way Harry looked at them, especially when Zayn called him by the nickname. But Louis couldn't understand it. Really.

His knees are constantly moving, his feet tapping the floor in anxiety and he changes from looking out of the window from the train, to look at the sleepy guy in front of him.

He takes his phone out of his pocket, unlocks it but locks it again, resting it on his lap. Then he is grabbing it one last time and opens the message box.

 _Make dinner for one more person.x_ he sends to his mom and puts his phone on silence mode right away because he knows the next thing she's sending is going to be something related to Zayn coming along and he doesn't want to read it. He doesn't want to read it knowing that it's Harry he is taking and it's done, there's no way back now.

He is nervous but excited and happy and just about to die from everything at once.

The train stops and it seems that they took three hours instead of less than two. Everyone starts standing up from their seats but Louis lets himself be for some more seconds. Then he stands up and walks to Harry. He shakes his shoulder slowly till the guy is flinching and half awake. He lazily opens his eyes, the two at the same time, so slowly. His pouty lips going back to a straight line and he automatically takes the hair in front of his face with his fingers and looks at Louis.

It's almost like he remembers when he would wake up with Harry next to him. Harry would only wake up an hour later (sometimes more) but Louis would stay there, next to him – sometimes cuddling other times looking too precious to even  _touch_  – and he would stare at him, not in a creepy way, just in fond, just to see the moment Harry would wake up and see the way his eyes instantly get life again and he smiles. Louis would make him smile right in the morning.

"We arrived." Louis whispers. Harry yawns and stretches his body.

"All right, let's go." Harry is nervous. Louis can see that, he is not that comfortable and even being something he didn't see much, lately he has been witnessing it a lot, he learnt to understand it.

They get their baggage and walk out the station, in a quick pass actually. Louis gets his phone from his pocket.  _Two messages._

"Erm, is someone picking us up?" Harry asks looking at Louis in his phone.

He takes some time answering when reads  _is Zayn coming?_ Which he is sure Fiona wrote it feeling really excited and  _do you need us to pick you two up?_

 _"_ Hum, no. Let's just walk. It's only fifteen minutes long. Is that okay?" Harry nods and Louis is sure Harry can't remember any of this already. So he can't remember that the station is near the city and their –his neighbourhood.

And while they walk, in silence, Harry is just looking around at the street, at the houses, at the people and at the floor he steps on, just like he did when they visited Manchester.

Louis looks at Harry when they get closer from the neighbourhood. He notices how he tightly grabs his bag in his hand, how he looks at the sides almost looking paranoid and Louis knows that if the sun was shining up in the sky it'd be worst.

They stop. They stop on the path. Harry gulps and Louis looks sadly at him.

Harry stares at his old house. Louis would die to know what he is thinking, what he is seeing now. What part of his memories he is reliving. The first day when he was little, the day Louis knocked at the door to tell him he was going to have a brother, the hot day of summer Louis came to call him to go to their garden, the day he ran out of there to tell Louis what happened with him and his parents... Or maybe the day he walked out of that door knowing that one day he was going away. Louis hopes it's a good memory, though.

"Is someone li –living there?" He asks weakly, pressing his lips together still watching the house. He knows the answer to that, the lights are on.

"Yes." Louis answers carefully.

"So they sold it." He mumbles to himself. Louis nods as if answering as well.

"Let's go." Louis calls his attention by slightly pulling the fabric from the sleeve of his jacket.

Harry looks at Louis but he starts walking. Harry follows him however, when they climb the stairs, Harry stops him by catching his arm. And Louis thinks they're having too much contact, too much touch and it's not okay.

"Just wait. A little bit." Harry is nearly in tears. Probably for the first time Harry is falling apart with all the nostalgia, with the past and with the pain of the lost memories, it's not Louis. Louis is nervous, anxious with everything. How his family will react, how things will be from now on, how Harry is going to handle this... But Harry is the one feeling the worst.

He is breathing heavily, staring at the door and back at the stairs. He doesn't look at Louis, he doesn't stop moving with his fingers and his eyes are sparkling. Not for good reasons, the tears are forming.

He takes a deep breathe, sniffs and that's the moment Louis decides to have one more contact with him. He puts his hand behind Harry's neck, underneath his long hair. He makes soft and slow movements to calm him down with his fingertips.

"Relax. Everything will be okay." He smiles a bit, right in time for Harry to see. He nods, his curls dangling next no his ear and Louis has a big urge to pull them away. He takes his hand away and clenches his fist instead.

When Harry nods one more time and looks forward, Louis takes it as a  _go on,_ _it's okay now,_ so he raises his hand and rings the bell.

They hear noises of someone running and then there's someone walking wearing high heels. Louis recognises his mother's voice, not understanding what she really says.

Then the door is opened. And there's Peter and Zoe just behind him.

Peter opens his mouth to say something right away but shuts again when sees Harry. He narrows his blue eyes looking at the tall man. Louis sees how Harry glares at him, his eyes getting wetter and thinking  _you grew up so much._

And then there's Zoe, wearing her high heels making her taller than Louis – not okay – her hair in a bun and just looking absolutely gorgeous. She covers her hand with his mouth glaring at that lost guy, that guy who she remembers being so much younger, so much different and there were no hopes in her heart, but she sees him now. And it's all so fast and Louis feels like he isn't there and he looks at her sister, who seems to forget that Louis told her that  _he_   _found him._

She runs towards Harry, her shoes making so much noise hitting the floor, she sobs an  _oh my god_ and jumps to Harry's arms. The taller boy catches her, instantly wrapping his arms around her petit body. Louis looks at the scene, his eyes already burning, his throat hurting due holding his emotions and he just watches. Zoe sinks her face on the crock of Harry's neck and Harry slips a small smile between his tears that are wetting her shoulder.

Louis hears Zoe mumbling something not coherent to his ears but Harry whispers back  _I know I'm sorry,_ _so_ _good_ _to see you too._

Then Peter looks at Louis for a moment and then at Harry and there's still a moment when he is confused but then it hits him and he remembers all the pictures, he remembers small images on the back of his head and says. "Harry?"

Harry and Zoe pull away, but she keeps next to him and Harry keeps holding her by her torso pressed against his body. He looks at the young boy, nods, a small smile on his lips – but so genuine – his tears streaming down and it's breaking Louis' heart but he is adoring watching the scene, not caring if he is a bit forgotten next to the door.

Peters walks towards Harry and hugs him by his side. Harry holds him with his available hand and rests his chin on top of the boy's head. "You look so different, buddy." Harry whispers, Zoe looks at the two males and rests her head on Harry's shoulder in awe.

"You too." Peter says.

"I know."

 _I know,_ Louis thinks too.

But he is holding so much, his heart is squeezing in his chest and he is with trouble breathing but the scene, what's happening in front of him, is amazing.

They quickly look inside when the sound of something crashing on the floor echoes through their ears.

"Mom..." Louis weakly says, his eyes widen looking at the big bowl of rice crashed on the floor, the one she was probably holding to get to the living room. She is shocked, she literally is. She takes her two hands to cover her opened mouth. Her eyes travel to the man not that far from her and Louis swears he never saw her like this.

Harry presses his lips together looking back at the woman.

"Mom, it's okay." Louis raises his hand, let's her bag fall on the floor and walks towards his mother, to hold her by her shoulders. He is doing okay, he is holding so much. "Mom, you okay? You're okay, right?" He speaks lowly, close to her, one arm around her shoulders and the other hand resting on the one close to him.

She stares at Harry, her hands still covering her mouth and Louis thinks she just froze and is now too shocked to even react. And Harry is too. Harry can't move nor say a thing.

"What is he – What is he doing here?" She asks, her voice muffled with her hands. Louis opens his mouth then shuts it again, not knowing what to say, the right thing to say. "He is not Zayn." Louis shuts his eyes and presses his lips tightly. "Why?" Fiona keeps mumbling. Louis lets her go and takes a step back.

"I'm sorry." Harry then says, not allowing Louis to think of something to say to calm her down. Harry brakes down crying for real now, making Zoe and Peter step aside. Louis looks at the man taking his hands to his face, tears streaming down hard and loud sobs coming out from him. He doesn't know what to do. Go hold Harry, beg him to stop crying and apologising to him for making him come or calm down his mother, who is now looking at the younger guy with her own eyes wet, hands on the side now and lips parted.

"I'm honestly so sorry." Harry keeps crying. "I'm so... Sorry." He cleans his face with his hands but tears keep streaming down.

Louis bites his lip and gives a step forward but is stopped to go any further when Fiona holds his arm. She walks to the door then, carefully not stepping on the broken bowl. Louis' siblings follow her with their eyes and then she's next to Harry.

Harry looks at her, his bloodshot eyes staring at her, his cheeks wet and Louis doesn't think Fiona is strong enough to be upset or mad at him while seeing him like this.

"Oh son." She sights and wraps her arms around Harry just like the first time she hugged him when they were kids. And Louis is so glad he brought Harry here.

~*~

Louis and Fiona keep in silence the whole dinner. Not that it's a bad thing, Louis wouldn't speak anyway he is busy looking at the way Harry talks with his siblings and how it's not like he imagined it would be. It's better because their faces matches, this is real and this is happening, a thing Louis never thought it would.

Fiona just doesn't have anything to say. Not yet. Firstly she will need to speak with Louis, then she will feel better to speak with Harry.

Louis is surprised that Harry (and himself) hasn't started crying yet because Peter has been asking things about the past.  _I can't remember,_ _did we use to play games together?_ _I know you used to spend Christmas with us and they were the best years._ _I still have that zebra you gave me and picture of you with me._ _Can you teach me how to draw it's for my project at school._ _Louis can imagine him asking Harry to be his brother like he used to with the way they’re talking._

And then Zoe just starts telling him the news how she is finishing college, how she had gotten a boyfriend –  _I got over you,_ she said – how she is loving being in Manchester all the time now.

Louis notices how they're getting along with him so well right in the beginning and they can do it and Louis didn't. When Louis should have reacted like Zoe did for example, he didn't. And he sees now how it probably would be better, how it'd make Harry feel better and... Himself. It'd make himself better.

They finish their meal, Harry asks to help to clean the table but Fiona declines it politely saying that she will do it with Louis’ help. It’s weird and Louis sees how uncomfortable Harry feels just talking with her and then receiving that answer. Normally… well, not normally but in the past Harry would help without even  _asking_ , this house was his, now it isn’t. Louis doesn’t even think it’s his as well.

He follows Fiona to the kitchen with all the plates in his hand, while Peter, Zoe and Harry stay in the living room. Louis sees the look Harry gives him before that happens, he just doesn’t understand and that hurts. He feels a huge urge to understand it, it kills him to every little thing it makes him realise more and more that they’ve such a long way down.

“Louis…” Fiona calls him in that soft and calm tone of her. He knew this was about to happen in the moment she said she didn’t need Harry’s help. He keeps washing the plates to put them in the washing machine not looking at his mother. “Louis, I’m talking to you.” She sighs and Louis knows she just leans against the counter behind him.

“You only said my name. I’m listening.” He says weakly. He wants everything to be okay, he doesn’t want his mother to worry about all of this. He wants her to accept Harry again, he wants Harry to accept him again and he wants to forgive everyone and be forgiven.

“Louis, look at me.” she says firmer now and Louis feels like he is back at having eleven, what is this?

He finishes putting the plates on the machine and straightens his back to look at her. She looks worried, a bit sad but there’s still that usual glow present in her that Louis is so glad for. That Louis estimates it so much because it reminds him that she loves him very much, reminds all those things she had said to him that always comforted him.

“Yes mother?”

“I don’t think this is good for you.” She says straight away and Fiona is always right, his mother is always right, always was and always will be. And he is twenty five and still thinks like this, he will be forty and will think like this. But now… now this crashes him down because he doesn’t agree with her words. Not one bit.

“What?”

“Honey, you were doing so good, so happy. You were so happy and –“

“I wasn’t.” he interrupts, shutting his eyes for a moment. “I wasn’t happy. Sometimes I might had been. But never was happy and okay. I lied. I’ve been lying all this time. To myself mostly, so please think about what you’re going to say, mom. This is important.”  

“I’m so confused and this was such a surprise I… why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I thought you would freak out. This wasn’t something to tell on the phone and when I came here for Christmas… I couldn’t tell you. A lot happened…” he sighs in frustration, how is he going to explain this to her? How is he going to make her understand, see his point?

“When did he… Well when did you…”

“Not that long. Three, four months? Don’t really know.” he laughs, a sigh escaping along it.

“What happened to him? Louis, you know how I’ve been worried. So worried, all these years, I cared so much for him, he was like a son to me and I knew how well he did to you.” She takes her hands to his head. “Oh my god…” she starts walking around the kitchen and Louis bites his bottom lip.

_Please I just want everything okay._

“Mom.” He rests his hand above her shoulder to calm her down. She stops and looks up at him, Louis is smiling. He needs to be smiling. He has Harry in the living room talking with his siblings, he just needs to say some words to her mother to  _make her see_. “It’s okay.” He keeps smiling, squeezing her shoulder. “You were right. It wasn’t his fault, he thought about me as well. He went to America, if you’re wondering, because his parents made him to. You were right. He was strong, he got better and he… Mom, I find myself still admiring him so much. He is so sorry. So, so sorry for all of this and I believe in him. And I want him back in my life. As friends. As best friends again, that would be amazing. It’ll be hard, but it’s possible. I’m so glad to have him here again. Just… Trust me on this.”

“Louis…” She says, her voice turning to be sweet again, just like he is so used to. Then she nods and Louis grins.

“Thank you.” He hugs her tightly.

“I’m glad to have him back though.” She whispers in his hair. “Missed him a lot.” Louis nods with his face on her shoulder, his smile still present.

Now time to deal with his father, who probably will be back from work soon.  

_Please I just want everything okay._

  
**_~*~_ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » how do you feel about harry going to doncaster with louis? do you think harry wanted it or was really just scared because he thought louis' family hated him? any idea of how louis' dad is going to react?


	19. Horizon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Statues by Nina Nesbitt

Louis' dad comes home when Louis and Fiona are still in the kitchen finishing cleaning everything. Louis was just stressing over what Harry is doing with his siblings and if he is comfortable or not. Basically he just really wants to be next to him right now. He was stressing over that, that forgot about Carl and how is voice really sounds like... He just lost the capacity of listening, so he doesn't realise the noise his father does and the door opening.

"Louis?" Louis wakes up from his small trance and looks around from the sink to see his father with Fiona next to him. He is still wearing his big coat, which makes Louis relax a bit because he just got home now and definitely didn't see Harry yet.

"Oh hi dad."

"I've been talking to you and you just ignored." Carl says, his tone softer than usual. At least not the soft Louis is used to hear anymore. Well, he seems to be in a good mood, that's good for the occasion.

"Sorry, I was just..." He looks over at his mom and then at the door from the kitchen. "... Distracted." He completes.

"How was your trip?" He asks, probably repeating what he said previously, taking his jacket off after putting his work bag on the floor.

"Good. It was... Very good." He clears his throat, his father not really showing any disapproval due his behaviour. Probably not even noticing it. "How was your work?"

"Stressing. I'm tired and a bit hungry. Just really want to relax. Where's Zoe?" Carl says looking from Louis to his wife. Fiona opens her mouth but then closes it, glancing over at Louis so he takes it has a cue to speak.

"She is in the living room... About that dad, we need to –"

"Louis?"  _Fuck,_ _fuck,_ _fuck._ "Peter was talking about a movie you –" Harry stops when gets into the kitchen. And really he should have stopped right when Carl looked behind when heard him calling for Louis.

Louis thinks that this is it, there's no need of him to feel worried about all of this. It needs to go all right, it will go all right and it would happen eventually, he wouldn't hide Harry away from his father. But this is the moment and Louis sees his mother looking at him in concern and Harry is frozen in the same place he stopped.

Carl is probably a mess right now. Louis steps to the side and sees. Sees his father's face and he recognises that expression. He is mad. He has the same expression that he wore the same day Louis broke down completely.

"What are you doing here?" Carl asks and Louis cringes with the harsh tone. Harry takes a step back and Louis feels that horrific sensation coming back. He is seeing with his own eyes the meaning of  _change_. The way Carl used to look at Harry as his own son, as family, disappeared as well as the tender way he used to look at Louis. Now is just disappointment living in his eyes and even if sometimes there isn't a sign of it, Louis still thinks it remains there.

Harry doesn't say a word, Louis sees he tries to but anything comes out from his mouth.

"Dad, I –"

"Shut up, Louis." Carl interrupts him, looking for a moment at him and then going back to Harry. Louis can't find the courage to talk after listening to his father yelling at him to shut up. He lowers his head, he can't do anything because he lives with the fear of something he might say or do can be the lower point for his dad. The point he realises Louis isn't worth it anymore, the moment he finally tells him that he doesn't need to come visit them this often (or ever), the moment it crashes Louis' hopes to ever get better with his father, to ever go back to normal. He doesn't know the limit but he sure doesn't want to test it.

"What are you doing in here? How dare you coming out of nowhere after everything?" Louis' eyes wide, Fiona looks shocked at his husband and Harry keeps his fists clenched next to his body. Eyes lost and empty. "Are you going to stand there in silence?"

"I... I came with..." Harry stops, looks at Louis, who alternates from looking at the ground and back to Harry in worry. "I'm really sorry. I understand if you don't want me in this house again. But I'm truly sorry for what I did. I can explain to all of you."

"I don't want your explanations." Carl says coldly. "No one here wants. And if Louis listened to whatever excuse you made then he is just as naive as I thought." Louis bites his lips, he shuts his eyes tightly till it hurts and he sees flashes in the darkness.  _No,_ _no,_ _no._

"Sir, please."  _Sir_. "I'm truly sorry for everything. You all deserve an explanation."

"An explanation? Yeah we deserved. We deserved an explanation before you left." Carl raises his voice again and no. He is shouting and when Louis looks at Harry he knows he won't take it, he won't take this and these words. Louis realises he wants to hold him but he can't. For so many reasons, now more than ever.

"You hurt Louis." He says roughly. And this doesn't stop.

"Father." Louis weakly tries to interject.

"You hurt this family. You changed everything."

"Father, please stop. Please" Louis whimpers. He is stuck on the floor and can't walk. Harry is with tears streaming down from his face now. He isn't supposed to cry. No, Harry never cried like this, especially in front of people, and just today he did it twice.

Louis can't understand how Carl has the courage to keep talking this strictly. But what he is saying... He is being Louis. He is saying what Louis would say the first day he saw Harry in the coffee shop.

"You don't even have the right to cry." And no. No, Carl can't say this to Harry. Not to him, Louis thinks. It's calling him weak, is showing that he can't cry, he shouldn't cry. But he can, he has a reason. This is showing emotions, this is being truthful with himself, is knowing that once he was strong but everything reaches a limit and he is human. This is what happened with Louis when he had that break down years ago that made this change. The way his father sees things, maybe.

"Enough." Louis half shouts, he presses his lips together and quickly walks towards Harry, grabbing his wrists and pulling him out of there.

He climbs the stairs to upstairs and the worst of all of this is that it looks like he is back being a teenager and he  _likes_  it. It's wrong.

He gets inside his old room with Harry and only drops his wrist after shutting the door strongly. Just the fact that he had the opportunity to touch his warm skin for a bit makes him want to throw himself out of the window.

Harry stands there, eyes wet, next to his bed and Louis might be mad but he is upset. "I'm so sorry, Harry. He didn't have the right... I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise please." Harry says as firm as he can. He wipes his face with his sleeves, sniffing and then pressing his knuckles against his eyes to prevent more tears to come. "Please just don't. It's natural I mean... Even after this, what happened today was more than what I expected. Your mom was amazing at the end and Zoe and Peter..." He smiles a bit. "They grew up so much and they were so kind. I didn't deserve such thing. It was amazing just being here one more time and I appreciate everything. I understand if it's better if now I just leave, everything just fell apart and –"

"No please." Louis sobs. He can't cry because of this. Out of question. "Stay. Don't you see that I want you here? I want you here so badly. After all this time I felt like we didn't even live under the same stars and now that I have you here..." He sighs. He can't say this. He can't say everything that comes out in his mind like this anymore, at Harry. It's an awful feeling, the fact that he has so much to say but can't, not because there are no people to listen to but because he feels it with his heart that it wouldn't be right. "Forget it. Just stay. Ignore my dad." He sights, rubbing his temples. He sees Harry taking a step forward and he thinks  _yesyesyes,_ but then he is changing his mind and taking a smaller one backwards and  _nonono._

"I can't ignore your father." He days seriously then.

"Yes you can. Don't you see he isn't the same person anymore? Sometimes I thought that he was just feeling as crushed as me, by seeing me and knowing he couldn't help. But then I realised that he is just being mad at life, at what everything became and with the changes."

"What happened, Louis? With your father..."

"I'm a disappointment." Louis says instead, bringing his hands to cover his face.

"Don't say that. Don't," Harry instantly walks closer from him, grabs his hands so Louis doesn't hide his face behind them. He pulls them down but doesn't drop them. The touch is insignificant but kind of familiar. Harry is just so focused on Louis right now that he didn't even react to what is happening here, to where he is. Louis' old room, basically their old room. "You aren't a disappointment, you never was and never will. Please don't say that about yourself." He softly adds. Louis takes some time to look at his face. So genuine and worried.

Then he is pulling his hands away from Harry quiet brutally, but Harry doesn't take it that way. Louis didn't mean it anyway.

"I am. For my father I am." Harry shakes his head, disagreeing to what he is listening to.

"He was always so proud of you."

"Things changed Harry." he says strictly, Harry's Adam’s apple bobs up and down and Louis takes a step backwards. They are too close from each other. "Things changed and my father didn't deal it the right way. Like me. A month after your leaving I wasn't better. I was just getting worst."

"What happened, Louis?" Louis bites his bottom lip, Harry isn't even hesitating to ask this, knowing its impact.

"I just didn't care. About anything. Smoked too much and my parents thought I was doing drugs. Which I wasn't." He looks down and lowers his voice. "I was crying all the time and I changed so much. I saw myself changing in front of the mirror, I was broken and my father lost it. He shouted at me one day because I wasn't being a man." He turns around, facing his back to Harry. "A man... Because apparently men don't cry, men move on, men fight for life with their blood boiling in their veins. My father's words. It never changed because... Because I didn't change. I kept being the same through the years even after finishing college and moving definitely to London. My father never saw me the same way because I didn't fight for myself. Because I was giving up. It sucks how you left me behind. How things ended up being." He finishes.

There's silence for a while and Louis keeps his hands in his face, not facing the green eyed guy. He doesn't want to see his guilty look. Doesn't want to show his sadness because he had shown it enough already.

Harry moves. He knows Harry moves and then it's so quickly that he hardly notices him getting too close till he puts his arms around Louis from behind. It takes him by surprise. And more surprise it takes when Harry tightens his grip around his shoulders, along his chest and brings Louis down so they sit on the floor. Louis is so out of himself, he is like flying right now that it makes everything easy for Harry to bring him with him down.

Harry keeps his back pressed against the bed, keeps his legs stretched and open so Louis sits between them and rests his back against Harry's chest. Board and strong chest. He hides his face on the crook from Louis' neck and he totally stops breathing.

Harry's hot breathe invades him, keeps him safe. Safer than he should feel.

"Look where we are, Louis." He whispers, his voice failing, weak and cracking. "I thought I would never be back here." And Louis stops breathing and actually looks around. Looks around and thinks  _I thought I would never have_ _you_ _here again as well._ "You changed so much but you're still the same Louis I remember. Not vaguely. I remember you so well." He continues and slowly lifts his face from Louis' neck and looks forward, his chin on Louis' shoulder. "But you got stronger than you think you did. I noticed you changed so much. You stopped hiding from the alarm clock. You stopped running from the rain when it fell. You started racing the sun to the horizon. You started greeting the moon with a smile. You started to wash your sleepies before having coffee. You started to walk slower when you left work. You stopped answering phone calls from strangers and calling loved ones. I think you hit a point when you stopped living each day like it was your last and you started living each day like it was your first." He finishes with a sight leaving his parted lips. He keeps holding Louis, Louis is being held by him. Strong arms not letting him fall.

Louis is in shock. His eyes wide open looking forward, frozen because he forgot this kind of sensation. He forgot the feeling of having Harry  _touching him like this._ It's been so long, too long that he wants to be here like this for years now.

He thinks about Harry's words and how they always meant something, always had an aim. This time Louis isn't even sure if they have a specific meaning, if they are aimed to make Louis feel better... He doesn't know, it doesn't matter. It can even be something Harry wrote and memorised because they made sense to him. Louis won't notice it. He will only notice how the words hit him with a piece of nostalgia along it and how his bones grab it as if it's a ray of sunshine on the last day of summer.

~*~

Louis wakes up in bed. He was sure he had fallen asleep on the floor with Harry and while a part of him knew he wouldn't wake up the same way, the other part wished he would.

He raises his head and supports his elbows on the mattress to look up better. Harry is in the same place they were last night, his back on the bed and his head slightly rested on the mattress.

He notices Harry wearing the clothes he was wearing yesterday (like he is as well) and that has a blanket covering his legs. Did Harry really slept on the floor?

Louis tries to tilt his head to look better at the younger guy's face and sees that he isn't actually sleeping, he is casually looking forward. With the noise Louis makes in the mattress and with the sheets, Harry looks at the side, meeting Louis' blue eyes on him.

"Good morning." He greets Louis with a small smile and Louis pulls back a bit.

"Did you sleep on the floor?" Louis asks incredulous, his voice husky from being in the morning. Harry’s wasn't as hoarse as normally would be – like normally used to be – so he probably is awake for a while.

"Yeah... We didn't bring anything to the room to make a bed, last night. You fell asleep in my arms and didn't want to wake you up."  _In my arms._ Louis feels his cheeks warming up a bit and then looks at the sheets. Harry rambles something, noticing what he did but Louis is quick to interject, still quietly.

"You could have slept in my bed."  _With me._ But Louis doesn't feel the need to add that. Wouldn't have the courage to.

"It didn't feel right." Harry answers and oh.  _Oh._

"Okay." Louis simply says, trying to ignore everything that is going on in the back of his head. He takes his feet out of the sheets to stand up. "What time is it?"

"Almost nine."

"So early." Louis groans "I feel so sleepy." He yawns. He knows there is no way he could fall asleep again now.

"You didn't sleep much." Louis frowns now sitting up on the edge of the bed, looking down at Harry. "You woke up twice in the middle of the night. I think it was the nightmares, I tried to relax you."

"I –I can't remember that." And the question is, how did he calmed Louis down. "I'm sorry that you had to deal with that." He says sadly.

"It's okay, Louis." He stands up from the floor while Louis does the same from the bed.

"Your body must be all sore."

"A bit. But I'm used to it." Louis doesn't ask anything else, neither Harry does.

They go to the bathroom separately but Louis takes longer just to look at himself in the mirror for a bit.

_But you got stronger than you think you did._

Did he? Harry noticed how much he changed and Louis did too but he can't see the braveness he got, the strength he gain to support himself alone, too broken to let others help. Harry saw it in himself, but Louis can't.

He gets out of the bathroom, hair and teeth brushed, face washed and goes to the room where once again Harry is just staring at the room as if it's the first time he is in here. At first he doesn't realise Louis is back, which makes him see how Harry looks sad, actually  _sad_ looking around.

Looking at the bed where they couldn’t be closer than what they already were, at the window where they called for each other when kids, the picture in the nightstand that made Louis cry so many times, at the corner of the room where his backpack would be every time he would come here after school...

"Harry?" Louis calls worried and Harry is quick to look at Louis like he was caught doing something he shouldn't be doing. Then he smiles, as if seconds ago he didn't look devastated.

"Oh, you're ready." Louis feels like punching him, how can he fake like this in front of Louis. "Should we go downstairs?" He asks before Louis can ask anything. He only nods, there isn't much he can do. He can't know what Harry is thinking anymore, mainly because he doesn't tell him.

When they reach the kitchen Harry leans over against the counter and Louis sits on the seat from the island. Louis looks at the two little bowls on the floor. One with food and the other supposed to be with water.

Daisy is probably coming from upstairs he needs to –  _Daisy._

Louis bites his bottom lip and looks at Harry. Harry is looking forward, his lips pressed in a straight line, eyes watering and  _fuck no._

Louis hears a meow and shuts his eyes. He can't see this.

When he looks away he hears a sob, Harry probably moves and there's another meow.

"Little fellow, hey." Harry sobs and Louis presses his eyes tightly, he should be covering his ears instead. "Hi. Look at you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Harry whispers but Louis can hear. He can hear it and he wants to shout  _shut up_. But he doesn't. "I'm here." Another meow. Daisy doesn't even meows to Louis anymore, now Harry arrives and she even sounds happy.

Louis sighs and dares to look at them. Harry is in his knees on the tile, petting the cat on the head and behind her ears and Daisy has her eyes shut and walking closer to him to have more contact.

"You still have her." Harry says in awe. He cleans his face with the back of his hand and looks up at Louis. Louis wants to puke. Puke and hug that man.

"Of course." Louis sighs. His voice a mixture of softness and tiredness. "She didn't die or anything." He jokes but then cringes. "She doesn't like me anymore, though." He says seriously now, looking at how the cat rubs her furry body in Harry's thigh.

"That's a lie."

"No. She does. I pushed her away." He shrugs and laughs a bit then. "I pushed a cat away as if it was a person, I'm pathetic."

"Louis..."

"She reminded me too much of you. And it seemed like she knew... She knew I was sad and it was because of you. Every time I looked at her... I... I couldn't." He shakes his head and supports his chin in his palm. Harry keeps looking at him while petting Daisy and Louis just dully looks back him, at both. "Stop looking at me like that." he snaps then. Harry is just looking sad and it just doesn't feel okay, it kind of pisses him off. "It's okay now." He sights and Harry looks away immediately.

"Sorry..." He stops. He even stops petting Daisy. "How was I... How was I looking at you?" He quietly asks.

"Sad. Maybe guilty."

"Oh. I didn't mean that."

"It's fine. Just don't do it anymore." Louis says crossing his legs, Daisy walks around Harry, always rubbing herself in his legs and then goes straight to her bowls, going back to Harry again. "She still likes you a lot."

Louis sees his dimples popping out then Harry grabs Daisy in his arms, petting her one more time and then he is walking towards Louis with her. "I'm sure she still like you too." He says and drops the cat in Louis' lap.

He jumps a bit and throws his arms up in the air, not touching her. "Take her. Take her off." He desperately says.

Harry looks curiously at him but then "Hey, it's okay Louis." He rests his hand in Louis' shoulder. The cat seems torn between jumping out of his lap and staying. "It's not too late." Harry looks into his eyes and says seriously. Louis stops panicking and looks back. He sees, he is so glad to see that Harry isn't  _just_ referring to this situation now. It's at everything. "Okay?" Louis opens his mouth but then shuts it, lost in the green from Harry's eyes. Then he goes down to his nose, it looks the same that it did when he was sixteen. His cheekbones and jaw are more defined and then his lips. The same, and it reminds Louis one more time that they were pressed against his once.

He looks up again at his eyes, before Harry notices the way he sees him, before he notices the way he looks at him, what he can see by that look. But Harry is examining Louis' features as well, maybe looking at him like Louis does.

Daisy meows between them and snuggles her little head against Louis' chest. Harry breaks the gaze and looks at her, making Louis do the same. "See..." He whispers. "She just needed a reminder that you too still like her." He smiles softly when Louis looks back at him and then pulls away from the older man.

"Oh. Good morning." Both guys look at the kitchen's door to see Fiona standing there. She looks unsure at them, making Louis chewing the inside of his cheek. Then her eyes stop to look at Daisy in Louis’ lap. "She is... You have her in your lap..." It's not a question is more like a statement she needs to say out loud to believe it’s real. Louis looks down at the cat, who meows and jumps out of him to rub her head in Fiona's feet and walk towards her bowls, asking for water perhaps, since it's empty.

"Well this was something..." She says and walks to the bowls to grab the empty one and fill it with water. "Everyone must be waking up as well. Did you two eat breakfast already?"

Louis doesn't answer so Harry does. "No. Erm, I thought we were waiting for everyone." He feels a bit uncomfortable saying it but then Fiona looks at him surprised maybe and Louis feels it along.

"Oh." She drops the cat's bowl on the counter. "Oh." She repeats. "Okay. Yes, erm, let's eat breakfast together then." She smiles a little and  _what._

_Eat breakfast together._

This has been too much for Louis.

Peter and Zoe appear and their faces remind Louis what happened yesterday. This is awkward. He wants to run away, not sure if he is bringing Harry with him or not. Really, what is this? An awful familiar reunion where everyone is awkwardly standing in the kitchen looking at each other?

Carl appears behind and  _great._ Louis sinks in the seat but there's anything he can do. He looks in disapproval at the scene and Louis takes a deep breathe. He feels suffocated, the walls are shutting, the air is disappearing.

He looks at Harry sees him gulping then he is opening his mouth and Louis can't tell him to shut up.

"Okay, I feel like I need to say something here." Carl tries to say something and everyone is looking at him but "Sir, please." And Louis still wants to run away. Now, more than ever. "I really need to. For you all and for myself. Not that it matters, I don't matter here, it's just selfish saying that but I want to be honest here." Louis admires like always admired him, truly.

“Harry…” Louis tries, he can’t listen to this.

"I really want to apologise for everything.” Harry ignores, talking a bit louder “It doesn't fix anything but it's the first right thing to do." Everyone looks at Harry attentively. Even Peter. "Like I did with Louis. You all deserve as much as Louis did. You did so much for me. This house, this house was home to me. You all were the family I needed but never asked for because I never thought I deserved it. You all supported me in such a way that I'm so grateful. I feel... I always felt like I never thanked you enough because there's no such right way to thank you all. And to apologise. And to show," he takes a deep breathe, licks his lips and looks at the ceiling pressing them together then. "To show how I am feeling." he looks at Louis for a moment. “I just want you all to understand that I didn't leave because I wanted to. I did leave without saying by my free choice. Only because saying goodbye would hurt so badly. It would..." He stops. And breathes. "It would hurt so much. It was selfish and I regret it even though I would do it again. But my parents… it’s not their fault, but I needed to do it."

"Peter, you probably don't remember but the day I left I told you to keep growing up and being a man, a strong one, for this family." Peter nods. "And you did, you did it. Zoe, you grew up and you got so strong and I see how you support everyone here, not forgetting yourself." Zoe looks at him with a small smile in her lips. "Fi –Mrs Fiona," he corrects himself, cringing a bit. "You're such a wonderful mother, the one I wished mine could be. I'm so grateful for the love I received." Fiona takes her hand towards her lips and nods slightly. "And Sir," he looks at Carl. "I'm really afraid right now. But... When I was a kid and Louis invited me to come here for the first time, it was raining and I went to your car without saying a word but you smiled and said hi to me and since then... Since that day you smiled at me every time. I'm so glad Louis has this family and didn't lost it like I did. The family who accepted me so well." He shakes his head the moment Louis thinks about holding his hand. He can't touch him now.

"I'm really sorry, this is so pointless and not appropriated but I needed to let this out. Also, I'm sorry for coming here without warning. It was rude and impolite, I shouldn't have agreed with it." He sighs. "I hope one day I can be forgiven."

"Harry, I –"

"Louis, don't say anything." Carl interrupts.  Otherwise yesterday, he doesn't yell. He doesn't even look harshly at his son. "Harry," he looks at him now and nods. He only nods and Louis feels his heart stopping and Harry let's go his shoulders, previously tensed. "You deserved better parents, kid. I always wanted to say this, I feel like right now I can and you'll believe it."

Harry nods too, holding all his emotions because  _he won’t cry._ Fiona smiles at his husband and walks towards Harry. She walks without letting anyone react and say anything else. Then she hugs hug him. "You were missed." She whispers and Harry lets out a quiet cry. Zoe goes next, followed by Peter too. Louis sees the scene with a proud smile, he doesn't even feel like crying anymore.

He looks at his father who looks back at him. He smiles a little and for Louis that's  _huge._ He tilts his head making signal to the three people hugging each other and walks towards them. Louis takes it as his cue to go as well and when he joins to the group hug he feels more like home than he ever felt these last years.

He guesses that this morning there will be a big breakfast.    
  
~*~

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » i should have done this chapter differently but i was with kind of a writer's block? it sucks i'm so sorry! but the questions: what do you have to say about the way harry held louis? how did he relaxed harry during the night (this will be revealed next chapter)? what do you have to say about louis' dad now and do you think harry dealed things the best way?


	20. Poetic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist
> 
> Gold by Wake Owl 
> 
> Heart like yours by willamette stone
> 
> Home by Ellie Goulding 
> 
> » i'm finally happy with this chapter so let's all make a circle and applaud the effort!!!!

There were some mornings while Louis would go on his way for work, daydreaming about driving in front of a city bus with his car. But then Zayn would rest his hand in his knee, reminding him that life is there in front of him to be lived. So he wouldn't do it. He would delay that thought.

There were other mornings (a lot of mornings, too depressing to even count them) that Louis would stay at home, especially in his college’s days, so the city bus wasn’t an option, a bottle of vodka was, because there was no motivation to keep fighting. The future was blurry and unknown for him, the days were so cold and grey, he felt trapped because the sun wasn’t calling for him and during the night before, the stars didn’t take care of him. So with dark circles under his eyes –the same eyes that were still playing the same nightmares, the same fears over and over again, burning –with  his dry throat and his body shaking he would write in a random piece of paper, sometimes even a napkin, whatever it would come to his heart. Not his mind. His mind was drowning in alcohol and no one could rescue it, him.

In the mornings that he would wake up still drunk, after a long night previously followed by a long day, he would destroy all those words said by heart. All those poems, all those secrets and confessions. All the love was slowly being set on fire. He knew he would regret it eventually, he was forcing the oblivion knowing he wasn’t strong enough to reach the safeness he needed.

Louis would take a shower then, wash everything away, every sore piece he had with him, would wash  _him_ and all the nostalgia and sadness away. It would go away with the water for that little moment, a headache and sore throat replacing that feeling and pain. He wouldn’t whisper evil things into his own ear afterwards, because Zayn would shout them at him. He would recognise that they would become evil being whispered by himself, to himself. Zayn was being his hero in his turn, till he could do that job again for himself.

It was pathetic, he recognised it, he recognises it. He was drunk but anything could intoxicate Louis the way Harry did. He understands he got too deep into this, maybe even got addicted to the sadness, loneliness and just the feeling of not being okay and using pain to relieve… pain. His life was slowly being taken away from him, it was sweet, it smelled of wine and it stroked his hair. He started to see only the black things in life, for so long that he got used to it. No one could paint it in white again, there were too many things that didn’t match with the reality he wanted to dream about, but didn’t. Otherwise, he kept having nightmares and living those awake as well.

But today, this morning, is not like any kind of those previous ones, he doesn’t want to step in front of a city bus. It wouldn’t be beautiful. He wants to live. He wants to pour love into this day until is overflowing. He has breakfast sober with people smiling at him and not shouting evil words that even though they are everything he should hear, he knows them already and considers them. He has that kind of breakfast he long forgot the feeling it transmitted that he can’t even remember that it was felt by him once. The warmness he feels isn’t from the hot tea that slides along his throat (and it doesn’t burn like it used to with vodka) is from the arm pressed against his from the man sitting next to him.

The noises he listens to aren’t from voices torturing him in his head, are from people valorising life around him. He makes up his own words in mind this time, still spoken by his heart. He is awake, he isn’t in bed, he isn’t giving up that isn’t poetic. He is being him. Not fighting but also not giving up. Not happy but also not miserable. Empty but not lonely. It takes time. It doesn’t take one morning, which thankfully started with tears and became smiles. It takes time but Louis has been waiting his whole life that he is able to wait more and more. He will just change and make everything to enjoy while waiting. Because he can still enjoy what’s around him while waiting what’s ahead of him.

~*~

Harry helps Fiona in the kitchen later, Zoe is sitting in the seat from the island looking at them (because  _I might be a woman but the kitchen isn’t my place, I’m going to make my man do it all for me because I can and why not?!)_ and Louis isn’t able to move because somehow Daisy found his leg comfortable enough to rest her head. So he keeps sat on the floor looking at the little (not so little) cat, then looking up at his family and Harry, freezing his ass and eventually almost being walked over by Peter who has a ball underneath his arm and is shouting his victory against his father. Louis can’t remember the day he played football and actually enjoyed it.

He can’t but he will now.

Peter makes him stand up from the floor, he apologises to Daisy and goes outside to play with his brother and dad. He can’t think, he doesn’t allow himself to. Harry just gives him a quick look before he disappears and he is sure there’s a small smile in that expression so everything is okay. It’s okay.

He probably doesn’t smell the best way and now after starting running and sweating in the middle of the street, it won’t make it any better either. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t fucking matter because his father is grinning, being part of his team –  _I can deal with both of you_ , Peter said – asking for the ball and just having that same spirit he used to have when they played football together years ago. Looking at him like he used to look when Louis used to have those games with his team. His father, his family… and Harry, would be there to see him. Louis loved those moments, loved the victories and even the losses because they would still celebrate anyway.

He would look at the benches, smile, maybe miss the ball but his heart would still be so full of pride so maybe – definitely – today he plays as if he is fifteen and has a whole team in a real field playing with and against him. He imagines the houses being the benches filled with familiar faces and there’s just that. Him as a kid, him younger, him still having dreams and fighting for them. Him happy.

He doesn’t know how long the three of them stay there playing, it’s tiring but so, so good. They lose track of who is winning, someone will cheat in the end, but it still  _doesn’t matter._ Carl scores another goal and Louis jumps into his back and the man just keeps laughing. Peter protests about it but Louis ruffles his hair, making him groan again but not containing his smile any longer.

After that long time Louis looks at his house and there’s Zoe in her phone, Fiona reading some book and Harry sat at the end of the stairs, his elbows in his knees looking at them with the biggest smile in his face. Louis has the ball in his feet but he stops to  _look_  better. Harry’s smile wasn’t meant to be seen, it’s obvious by his face when Louis meets his gaze but the blue eyed guy smiles back. Maybe too soon to be in such an old and familiar way but it just so Harry doesn’t drop his own.

He loses his ball when Peter runs to it and scores, throwing his arms up in the air when Carl protests loudly and Louis is fifteen and is playing on a field where he catches a fourteen years old Harry on the bench and needs to smile because he is there.  _He is here._

“I’m tired, I think we should stop here.” Carl says breathing heavily and holding his knees.

“Oh, because you’re losing. Such an excuse dad.” Peter mocks running around the man with the ball in his feet.

“No, because I’m getting old.”

“Again, such an excuse, dad.” Carl shakes his head and Peter laughs at it, still trying to tease him with the ball so they can continue it.

Louis is lost, he walks towards the house, probably thinking that he had agreed with his brother to stop the game there, but he didn’t even say a word.

“Hi.” He says, still with that god damn smile in his lips, which he can’t even notice having it anymore.

“Hi.” Harry answers back, looking up at the smaller guy, same smile, eyes sparkling and Louis wonders if he found the starts. He doesn’t think twice about it.

“How are you feeling?” Louis stops in front of him, his legs almost reaching Harry’s knees, but they don’t touch.

“Very well. You?”

“Sweaty.” He chuckles. “But very well too.” Harry nods and he shows liking the answer and actually there’s no need to exchange more words about what’s going on. They see it and it’s enough. “Do you want to go for a walk? I don’t just –“

“Yes.” Harry answers right away. “I mean, yes… like we can go, walk, around.” He scratches the back of his neck, looking away noticing that he might have answered too quickly and not letting Louis finish. “Sorry.” He says uncomfortably.

“It’s all right.” Louis chuckles. “Come on then.” He says and when Harry looks up at him again he nods and stands up, quickly reminding Louis how tiny he is compared to Harry is, always was. “I’m the older one.” He says rolling his eyes, joking. He doesn’t expect Harry to understand it, especially now.  _Now_. But he also talked in a whisper so maybe –

“Tiny.” Harry giggles, fucking giggles and rests his hand above Louis’ head for brief seconds before pulling away and starting to walk. Louis heart melts but he doesn’t allow himself to go with the flow. He clears his throat, ignores the look his mother and sister – who clearly stops listening to whoever she is talking to on the phone for a little – give him because he knows it too well. And he knows what is  _not_  happening.

He tells his father and Peter that they’re coming back in some minutes and follows Harry, which soon is the otherwise because Louis is the one knowing where he wants to take this walk to.

And Harry knows it too. Somehow. When they reach the place he doesn’t act in shock, he doesn’t look sad, he actually smiles. The grass from the garden looks greener than ever, there aren’t much flowers around but the sky reflexes its colours on the lake and it’s so beautiful. Louis has forgotten how stunning this was.

“It’s been years since I don’t come here.” He confesses, the shit thing about this is that he could think about his grandfather when this place was mentioned but he didn’t. He doesn’t. He thinks about Harry. Harry and their first kiss. Harry and the nightmare when he drowns. Harry and the day he asked him to be his date for the prom. Harry, Harry and Harry. Louis wanted to stop thinking about Harry because it isn’t healthy, it isn’t correct, he doesn’t even feel the same, but he kind of gave up already. He knows, since always, that Harry would always be a big part of him. He knew it since he was a teenager, who still didn’t know he was going to fall in love with his best friend.

“Doesn’t it scare you? Coming here now I mean.” Harry asks unsure. Louis doesn’t even bother to look at him,  _he knows_.

“Now? Now it doesn’t scare me one bit.” Louis smiles looking forward, looking at two kids running around, two teenagers laid down on the wet grass falling for each other. Harry burns his gaze in Louis and it doesn’t hurt one bit. “It doesn’t because I know you won’t disappear.” Louis moves his hand and it slightly and touches Harry’s. A simple brush and Louis really wants to hold it, but he doesn’t. He touches Harry’s skin one last time before pulling away and walking forward. “Come on.” He calls for the taller guy.

Harry follows him right away and Louis almost feels his legs are giving up when he reaches the same familiar tree and sits down underneath it. It’s a bit cold and they didn’t bring their coats, so the moment Harry sits next to Louis, by instinct, he gets closer to the green eyed boy till their legs and arms are touching.

Harry freezes with the sudden contact. “Sorry, it’s cold.” Louis says quietly, now no longer secure of this whole thing.

Harry’s shoulders relax, his legs lean more over Louis’ and he looks down at the older guy. “It’s fine. Really… Fine.” He whispers, his voice soft and his touch. Is touch is welcome and tender and Louis is about to cry by how he missed this. It’s painful even. And to make matters worse, Harry raises his arm to put it above Louis’ shoulders and brings him even closer. The warmth from his body invades Louis’ and he is just… He's hovering over the clouds.

He gets used to the touch, tries his best to keep himself from shaking and looks up at the sky. It’s a greyish blue, the clouds are a mixture of white and a darker tone. He bites his bottom lip, this is happening, he has Harry. He feels Harry next to him and he hates himself for thinking that maybe he will start having him like he needs to from now on. He will get used to it, will get attached –fuck he is already attached and this is the worst. The worst. He is so fucked, he is so going to panic over this. He naturally got used to Harry’s presence, to his new wonderful scent, how he doesn’t need his father’s expensive perfumes anymore to smell like a man but still has a glimpse of a teenager odour in him, how he got stronger and warmer, how he looks gorgeous under the sunlight smiling sweetly and how he still looks gorgeous under the moonlight with tears in his eyes… how he still shows a bit of caring over Louis, how he changed and got stronger and talkative, how he looks at life now, how he is just being himself, how he isn’t giving up, how his soft voice still gives Louis goosebumps, how –

“You know I…” Harry starts and Louis lets out a sigh of relief since it stops his thoughts, a sigh that catches the younger man's attention. “Are you… Are you okay?” Harry asks unsure and Louis can’t look at him. He is afraid, if he looks at Harry it will show him everything he is feeling and he doesn’t want that. However, he can’t even be sure if Harry would be capable of that.

But he still snuggles a bit under Harry’s touch and slightly leans his head over his shoulder, but not really completely touching. “Yes. Go on about what you were saying.”

Harry cleans his throat and his touch loses force around Louis’ shoulder almost as if he feels like he doesn’t want to touch him for a bit. Louis frowns but Harry’s voice interrupts anything that he was about to comment or think about. “The last time I was here, it wasn’t that long ago.”

“What?” Louis pulls a little bit away but Harry shuts his eyes together and makes him come back to his arms.

“Please, just stay close to me.” He softly asks for and Louis is weak and a failure so he can only do what he says so. “I lied when I said that it has been a very long time.” He confesses and Louis’ whole world stops because what the hell is he listening to. “I came here last year. Around January. I was looking for you.”  _Fuck_. “I parked in front of your house and couldn’t move.” Harry’s eyes don’t meet with Louis’. Louis sees himself touching Harry’s chin to turn his face towards him because he wants to have a look. He wants to have Harry’s eyes all to himself. But that doesn’t happen. He only keeps allowing Harry’s arms around him and being slightly leant over him. “Since I arrived to London I had been with this idea that maybe I was going to find you. See you. But I wasn’t really doing for it. So that day I just decided to come here, that maybe I was going to see you. And I did.” His voice crakes. “I saw you with a bag next to you, coming out of the house with your family and… now I remember that Zayn was next to you. And he was so close… so close to you. You were smiling at them. They said goodbye to you two. When they shut the door Zayn took you close to him and kissed your forehead. You looked so happy with him. A part of me felt like I saw what I needed to. It made me be sure that you were okay. You passed right in front of my car, you were so close.” He presses his lips together tightly and Louis is totally in shock looking at him. “But you didn’t see me.” He looks at the side at Louis, finally. “So I…” he shakes his head. “I came here, sat in this same place and cried.” He chuckles, faintly. “I didn’t cry like that for so long but the part of me that felt relieved wasn’t enough to cover the part that was sad. Somehow I even had this feeling that maybe you were coming back to me and you would find me here. But you didn't and I didn't go find you either.”

“You fucking bastard.” Louis pushes him away, Harry’s eyes go wide looking at him. “You fucking…” He sighs and stands up brutally. “Why didn’t you. Fuck, why didn’t you called for me? Why didn’t you stop me? Why did you just… You asshole.” He shouts, Harry is quick to stand up making an attempt to calm Louis down.

“Do you think it’d be any good? It wasn’t the time. I wasn’t ready and you sure wouldn’t want to see me. Do you remember the way you react when you saw me the first time?”

“Are you kidding me?” He yells again. “You know nothing. I sure would have reacted better by that time. So much… So many shit happened after that day. Everything could have been stopped if you showed up. I can’t fucking believe this.” He takes his hands towards his hair, pulling it out a little. “A lot would be different now. I could have you sooner in my life but I didn’t.” he pushes Harry away again, his hands strongly hitting his chest. But Harry takes his wrists in his hands, to stop him to do anything else.

“Louis…” He whispers and Louis looks up at him, his breathe unsteady by now. “Hey…”

“You’re a fucking asshole.”

“I know.” Harry nods and Louis looks away.

“I could have you sooner. I could have gotten better by now.” He tries to release his hands from Harry’s but he doesn’t allow him to.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I disappointed you so much…”

Louis meets his eyes “What are you saying?”

“I’m sorry I left you so broken.”

“Harry!” he tries to call for his attention loudly, but Harry’s grip just gets tighter and he doesn’t hear Louis.

“I’m sorry that I made your life so centred on us.”

“Stop it!”

“I’m sorry that I loved you so much.”

“Harry, stop!”

“I’m sorry that I wanted you so much.”

“Please.” Louis cries out, his eyes already wet.

“I’m sorry that I gave up to take care of myself.” Louis opens his mouth but no sound comes out, his breathe is caught in his throat. “But you need to understand that I did what I thought it was the best.” He pushes Louis’ wrists down to bring him closer to his face. “I failed. But we still have time. We’re still alive.” He says it in such way that Louis understands its meaning so well that makes him want to punch the man in front of him. “And I’m so sorry that my life is still a little big bit of you, especially when you’re so close now.” He finishes, one of his hands dropping Louis’ wrist and leaning it towards his face.

His hand is a bit cold so Louis is sure he can feel how hot his cheek is right now. He caresses Louis’ cheek bones with his thumb and slides them all the way down till his jaw. And Louis is hypnotised by the moment and Harry’s words... Louis is panicking on the inside but on the outside... On the outside he just looks like the most relaxed dude on planet.

He gulps in dry, Harry's eyes fixed on him, his thumb still caressing his skin and no.  _No._ "No, stop!"  Louis says pulling away, from the touch and from Harry.

What is he doing? He can't, Harry can't do this to Louis. Can't disappear and come back and make everything look like anything happened. Well, kind of. But Louis can't allow this. Zayn is the only one who takes care of him now, like this. Harry can't come in like this, even though Louis really wants to, he can't do this.

"You can't do this to me." He half shouts, Harry clearly surprised with his reaction.

He raises his hand to touch Louis but he doesn't allow him to. "Lou..."

"No, don't call me that." And Louis is panicking on the outside already as well.

"Please, Louis." Harry is begging, his tone is desperate especially when Louis starts walking away.

What is he doing? Harry is just right behind him, calling for his name over and over again.  _Louis,_ _Louis wait._ And Louis keeps walking, he always ran away. He always runs away but these last years he didn't have a Harry to call for him, to stop him. No one really called for him. Now Harry is and Louis doesn't know how to stop his legs, he keeps touching the grass, soon hitting the path and walking back to his house. He doesn't know what he wants to. Maybe knows what he needs, just doesn't know if it's the right thing.

_What is he doing?_

"Louis," Harry grabs his forearm tightly, impossible for him to release himself. He doesn't give him time to protest, Harry is pressing Louis against his chest and keeping him trapped. Literally trapped. "Stop. Please stop. It's okay,  _shh."_

"Let me go." Louis yells, voice broken. He can't stand this, can't have Harry touching him like this,  _it fucking kills him._

"I've got you. I'm here."

"No, no, no." Louis shakes his head but Harry has his hand in his nape, keeping him steady. Louis isn't even cold anymore.

"It's okay Louis." And Harry can't be using his words against him, Louis is going nuts. "I'm not going to leave you. I want you next to me."

"Harry..." Louis sobs.

"Louis..." Harry chuckles. He dares to chuckle, Louis is almost crying in his chest, panicking and he laughs and says his name like that. After Louis saying his,  _like that._

"This is not fair." And Harry kisses his head and Louis wants to scream but can't even move with the way Harry's arms are wrapped around his tinier body.

"I have you now. We are okay." Louis wants to shake his head but it seems like Harry doesn't even let him do that. "My Louis..."

"No." And Louis is crying.

~*~

Louis and Harry make the way back to the house when the sun is setting, making the sky a pink and orange colour. Harry looks up the whole way appreciating the view, silence hovers them torturing Louis who keeps looking forward counting the steps they take till they spot his old house, and wondering… wondering why the hell is Harry holding his hand.

Their fingers aren’t intertwined (Louis doesn’t even think the space between them were made for each other fill it anymore), Harry is just casually holding his hand as if he was a little kid. And Louis looks annoyed because he tried twice – mentally – to release his hand but can’t find a way to stop feeling this warm touch.

So it goes thirty one, thirty two, thirty three steps and Louis speaks “Why are you holding my hand?” and his tone isn’t even soft, it’s almost harsh, showing how annoyed he feels because he never agreed on this. He just cried in Harry’s chest because he felt pathetic, then they kept the silence, Louis didn’t meet his green eyes and they stood up to walk back and Harry held his hand without a second thought, without a word.

“Because it’s just like we used to do.” And fuck you Harry Styles. Fuck you because Louis isn’t ready for this, Louis is miserable and still hurt, broken and so sad… but fuck you for making him feel things he couldn’t even remember he once felt. And that they felt good. And warm and…  _fuck you_.

“Things aren’t –“

“I know.” He interrupts Louis just showing that he sure doesn’t want to listen to the end of that sentence. “But we’re trying, remember?” Louis rolls his eyes. Damn you Styles.

When they reach the neighbourhood’s street, Louis spots a familiar car, parking in front of the house across his old one and that’s the moment he truly tries to release his hand from Harry’s bigger one and gets to know that he can actually do it, he wasn’t holding tightly all this time.

“Tomlinson!” The guy who comes out from the black, posh car greets him, waving his hand with a huge smile on his face.

“Hey mate.” Louis says, his tone not as excited as the young man, but he speeds up his pace to get closer to him quicker.

“Didn’t know you were here for a visit you.” He shakes Louis’ hand politely but the way they do it make it seem less formal than it should. It’ll probably make Louis’ hand smell like expensive perfume later, though.

“Since yesterday.” Louis smiles and he bets Harry is a little farther away behind him, probably looking weirdly and uncomfortable looking at the situation.

“Nice to see you!” He smiles widely, there isn’t much light on the street but Louis almost feels uncomfortable to be in front of him since he is wearing simple jeans and a sweater while he is wearing a nice white shirt and pants that seem to be from a suit. Well, it was always like this, Louis thinks. “And who’s this gentleman?” The guy looks at the side and Louis almost jumps with the sight of Harry next to him, leaning over the guy to shake his hand.

“Hi, I’m Harry. Harry Styles.” Louis sees him smiling and where is he? Other dimension?

“Styles, hum? I’m Derek. Derek Johnson.”

“Nice to meet you.” Louis looks weirdly at both guys. He is so impressed with Harry, he almost forgot that now he works in a coffee shop and deals with people every day. This isn’t what Louis was used to. Louis introduced Harry to people, because Harry couldn’t even speak to them. He wouldn’t even introduce Harry to anyone at the end of the day.

“So how’s life man?” He looks at Louis now. who takes some time to answer.

“Erm, good. Walking. I mean,” he shakes his head. “Going. Obviously not walking because life doesn’t have legs. I do. Have legs.” Derek nods as if he had heard the most intelligent thing ever from the day while Harry just laughs. “How’s your mom?” he decides to go for this.

“She’s fine. I just came from a trip so I’m not in tune. Soon will be. What about yours?” Derek laughs too now.

“She’s okay. We’re all okay.” Louis nods.

“Well, you’re invited to have dinner tomorrow at our place. I have someone to introduce you.” Derek grins and winks.

“My mother told me you got a girlfriend.” Louis says with a straight face.

“Why did she have to ruin the surprise?” Derek sighs dramatically.

“It wasn’t meant to be.” Louis chuckles and then rests his hand above his neighbourhood shoulder. “But congrats man, about time…”

“Than –“

“… to leave your parent’s home.” Louis completes with a smile and Derek just looks like he is about to slap him. Harry laughs again because it’s literally hilarious.

“Thank you Louis.” He says then, forcing a smile and a soft tone. “You’re so nice, it makes me emotional.”

“Oh, no need of that, man.” He slaps his shoulder maybe a little too forcefully before letting go.

“Of course.” Derek tries to keep the posture but soon starts laughing, giving up on the character. “Well, I need to go now.” he says waving and walking towards his house. “But don’t forget tomorrow night, my mom will tell yours the details.” Louis nods looking at his friend walking away. “And you’re invited too Styles.” Derek shouts looking at the green eyed boy. “You might miss this house a bit, hum?” He says then, tenderly this time thought, turning around and jogging to the stairs to open the door from his house.

Harry paralyses a bit with the way he said those words, almost as if he knew the memories Harry has been keeping all this time.

Louis puts his hand behind Harry’s back, trying to lead him to the other side of the road. “Hey, it’s okay.”

“Do you think I –“

“You can.” Louis smiles when Harry looks down at him. “You’re fine.” He finishes.

 ~*~

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » what did you think about Harry and Louis' behaviour in this chapter? pretty different from each other and from late chapters but it's important that you can understand what's going on in each minds of them.


	21. Tattoo

It comes the night and Louis doesn't hear what he is used to. The silence. He was never sure if the silence was something he could hear because it's supposed to be the otherwise, right? Something we don't hear, that can't bother us because it doesn't exist. Well he is sure that it is something that bothers him and if it makes him deaf then it is in fact  _something_.

But tonight is so different. The blinds from the window are opened. That's something incredibly new by now because he was used to the darkness from this room that it made him forget how amazing the shades and contours from the place look like at night. He listens to his sister outside the room and Peter laughing at something Fiona says while they go to their rooms.

And now the main point. His room isn't empty, he doesn't feel alone and it sure isn't because he has a mattress on the floor that it isn't used in years. Literally, it’s even the first time Peter is realising its existence.

"Is that thing even comfortable?" Louis asks getting comfortable in bed. He is wearing his usual sweatpants and let's hope Harry doesn't realise that those and the T-shirt he is wearing aren't his. Well, the sweatpants are old, even though they are the perfect size for Louis now but Harry probably doesn't recall them. The t-shirt is an update, a close up from the present Harry.

"Very." Harry answers and he doesn't sound convincing, he actually sounds in pain.

"That shit must be covered with minuscule insects... And dirt."

"I will survive." Harry says and Louis hopes he isn't being too obvious. It’s not like there’s something to be obvious… maybe. But if that Harry isn’t understanding so either Louis is save or disappointed.

“Okay.” He simply answers, pulling the covers up, almost reaching his chin, his fingertips and head only showing. He looks by the corner of his eyes at Harry, he has his hands underneath his head, as a pillow (as if the real pillow is useless for him), he is looking up at the ceiling and the covers reach only a little bit above his hips. He looks comfy and Louis just really wants to stare, memorise more and more of his new features. He wants to learn everything so he can have a clear image in his head so it cannot be able to be forgotten and appear blurry in his mind.

Harry tilts his head to one side, naturally resting it on the pillow and his eyes go direct to Louis. His lips twist into a small smile, quite cheeky even, similar with his eyes. Green shinning for blue.

“Hi.” He says in a husky tone and Louis mentally takes a deep breath and rolls his eyes. This is making him crazy. He is even feeling his cheeks warming up, probably getting flushed and it’s a cold night. The room isn’t even well illuminated for him to feel like this. He can’t do this he – and Harry – need to chill.

Louis quickly looks away trying to act as normal as almost breaking your neck in the pillow can be. Harry laughs, of fucking course, but it’s not really an  _I’m mocking you_  laugh is more like a  _that was cute_ laugh, which is quite disgusting really.

“Rude.” He jokes then and Louis can’t look back at him so he keeps looking forward, with his lips pressed and his eyes bored.

“What?” he asks and doesn’t understand why his raspy tone of voice, but Harry takes it as a joke so that’s fine.

“I said hi and you just dumped me.” Harry answers in a childish voice.

“Hi.” Louis answers in an annoyed one, which takes him a bit of effort because he feels like laughing. It’d come out as a giggle so really better if he keeps it quite.

“Wow Tomlinson,”  _Tomlinson, fucking Tomlinson._ “such enthusiasm.”

“Don’t call me Tomlinson.” It’s as wrong as  _mate_  and really Louis doesn’t need this.  _Louis_  is okay,  _Lou_  it hurts too much so that’s why there’s his name, what most people call him for. Make it normal,  _Styles_. “It makes it sound so formal.”

 “Derek treats you that way,” and there’s a slightly difference in his tone.

“ _Ew_ , why are you even thinking about him.” Louis cringes and finally looks at the side, Harry is not meeting his eyes, he is looking up at the ceiling like previously.

“It just… Came up.”

“Derek is formal himself. That’s why he does that. You don’t.”  _Because you once called me yours._

 “Why?”

“Because… Just –it is what it is, I suppose.” He sighs.

“Okay.” He simply says and they fall into silence.

 _Silence_.

Midnight comes, and Harry is still staring at the ceiling.

Thirty minutes later and his eyes are shut.

1am and Louis is still staring at him.

1:30am and Louis is talking alone.

The silence answers him.

He doesn’t miss Harry like the other nights, although his soul still doesn’t have him.

1:43am and Louis is moving from his position for the fourth time.

The wall is cold and there’s no one to warm him up.

1:56am and Louis is looking at the guy sleeping on the mattress again and in that moment he doesn’t see a twenty four years old Harry.

 2:21am and Louis is reliving his day in his head.

But at 2:35am he feels alone and falls asleep at 2:50am with suddenly bad thoughts invading him.

 ~*~

Louis slowly opens his eyes, no differences found since it’s too dark for him to see and his eyes are still tired and involved in the nightmare still playing on them. He feels his cheeks wet and –dammit he was crying again while sleeping. He still can’t move, he hardly feels something, still in trance, shaking and sleepy from the dream. Something is out, something isn’t going like usual. By now Zayn would be trying to wake him up, or snuggling next to him because he probably had screamed loud enough for him to go to his rescue, also the lights would be on and he wouldn’t be feeling this sweaty and hot since Zayn would be helping him with that as well. But nothing like that is happening.

He is probably slipping the last salty tears he has and his heart is beating fast, but he still tries his best to focus on getting back his vision. He can’t find himself to move but he doesn’t really intends that anyway.

Then he feels the other difference thing from the usual, which is making him feel like something is out.

Someone is holding his hand. Not only simply holding but also caressing it. Slow and invisible circles being drawn in the back of it. And what is this warm feeling. This feeling of relief and as if energy is being transferred to him by this hand.

He hears whispers, not understanding its meaning but at the same time he truly feels like if he opens his eyes he can hear. He can hear because he can also spot Harry, still sat on the floor, his arm across the bed, holding Louis’ hand. His head slightly rested above his arm, looking at his own gesture and Louis is in awe.

 So it was just a dream.

“It’s okay, it’s okay my love.” He hears, Harry’s features darker than what they should be but Louis can still  _see._ “Make the nightmares go away, you can do it.” Louis swears he has been doing this for some minutes now. “Think about the day you taught me how to swim and I had to go on your back because I almost drowned in the pool.” He keeps saying softly, a small laugh escaping his lips with the memory. “Or the day I got sick and you took care of me. You were so good for me, my Louis.” Louis whimpers, Harry is here, it’s all okay. “Think about the day you scored the last goal to win the game and everyone was celebrating and looking for you, but you ran to the benches to hug me. We celebrated all day long and we ate ice cream in that place we used to go all the time.” Louis breathes heavily, trying to steady his respiration. His eyes are fully open now and he truly sees Harry. He is still a bit in trance, the real Louis isn’t truthfully in the room but he can still speak.

“Harry?” it was supposed to be loud, but it comes out as a whisper, his voice weak and husky from sleeping.

“Yes baby, I’m here.”

“You’re here…” he repeats, his voice coming out soft now, his lips twisting looking at the curly haired guy sat on the floor still holding his hand. “Why are you on the floor?” he asks, shutting his eyes one more time. Harry squeezes his hand and raises his head from the mattress. “Must be cold. Did you go to the bathroom?”

“Erm… yes, I did.” Louis hums trying to get comfy in the pillow, keeping his hand locked with Harry’s. “You good?”

“No. ‘m not good, you aren’t here.” He keeps talking softly, sounding younger, so much younger than he really is. “Hurry up.” There’s silence for a second but then Harry moves, drops Louis hand and jumps to bed next to him. He tries to snuggle next to the older boy, who automatically presses their bodies together. He puts his hand above Harry’s belly and rests his head on his forearm. Harry sighs but holds him in place. “Warm.” He whispers, his voice muffled by the fabric from Harry’s shirt.

Harry puts his free hand above Louis’ face, cleaning with his thumb the few tears that were left in his cheek. The older boy smiles with his eyes closed and leans his face to the touch.

“Wanna stay in bed all day.” He speaks again. “Mom and dad are probably going to work.” He continues. “Zoe takes care of Peter, right?”

“It’s Sunday tomorrow, Lou.” Harry chuckles.

“Right…” Louis nods, eyes semi opened but not really understanding what he is saying. “No school then.” He says happily and goes back on resting his head on Harry’s arm.

Silence again. “No school.” Harry repeats, sadly. He sounds sad but Louis doesn’t catch it. Louis thinks anything from the past five years happened.

Louis hums then, Harry’s hand that was once on his cheek is rested on his chest, not really touching Louis’, but the blue eyed boy opens one eye and puts his hand above his wrists, starting to play with Harry’s bracelet, exactly like he used to do, obviously not realising that he doesn’t have his own anymore.

Their hands move up and down along Harry’s chest, according to his breathing. However, after short seconds Harry sighs again and pulls away his hand to stop Louis from touching his wrist. “Louis…” he calls him and for a moment Louis finds some type of difference in the tone of voice, in the way Harry calls him but he has no time to react to it. “Let’s just go back to sleep then, yes?”

“Yes, okay.” Louis answers, keeping his hand steady when Harry pulls away. “Are you okay?”

“I am.” Harry answers, squeezing his hand that is holding Louis by his waist.

“Your parents are good? They let you stay here tomorrow?”

Silence. A longer silence.

“Good night, Lou.” Harry insists and leans over a bit to place a kiss on top of his head. “Sleep well this time, please.” Louis hums and uses Harry as his pillow, closing his tired eyes once again.

~*~

In the morning Louis wakes up with the covers pulled up all the way up to his neck, the pillow nicely fluffy and in a position that says  _I stayed relaxed all night_. He raises his head and sees the mattress that Harry was supposed to be sleeping, with the sheets and covers folded and tidy. The light from the morning sun comes out from the opened window, illuminating the room that somehow feels less empty than the usual. But still not familiar.

He groans, letting his head fall down on the pillow again. He rolls over, facing his belly up and stays looking at the ceiling. Boring.

He takes his phone from the nightstand, clearly ignoring the picture on the old frame and checks the time. 9am it says.

There’s no way he is going to sleep more even if he wishes for, so he stands up, pulls the sheets to the end of bed and walks out of the room.

He goes downstairs after washing his face and brushing his teeth. He listens to the TV from the kitchen and when he reaches it he sees his sister leaned over on the counter with an empty cup in her hand and a magazine next to her.

“Good morning.” He says and when Zoe looks at him, she smiles instantly.

“Good morning, brother.”

“Did you see Harry?”

She puts the cup on the side and looks back at Louis. “He was up really early and said he was going for a run. Is that a thing? Because that’s just –“

“Not Harry at all?” Louis interrupts, chuckling a bit. “Apparently it is now.”

“Well… That’s good.” Louis nods along.

“Was he okay?”

“I think.” Zoe shrugs. “I can’t really tell that, Louis.” She finishes sadly but Louis decides to ignore that one bit and let it go.

“I’m hungry.” He says changing subject. He ends up walking around the kitchen, trying to find some cereal, too lazy to try to do something else. Fiona appears, helping him out after he says  _why you changed place every important thing for me in this house,_ almost making Fiona worried because she thought he was talking serious when he said it made him feel like he didn’t belong here anymore, which is absurd, Louis knows he still has his place in this house. He just knows it isn’t the right one at the moment.

Before Louis can even finish his milk and his conversation with his mom and sister about the dinner tonight, Harry appears in the kitchen and Louis needs a moment. Or two. Maybe three. Because fucking hell.

His shirt is almost as if it’s painted in his body, showing all his contours, the ones Louis wasn’t award of existing at this point. His hair is wet, almost dripping water, which only says that it’s raining. “Good morning. I’m sorry it’s raining.”  _Of course_.

“Hello dear. Want me to find you a towel? Make you a hot tea or something?” Fiona asks, standing up from the chair she was sat on.

“No, no. Finish your breakfast, I just came here to give the keys she lent me.” He says stepping closer to Louis’ sister to give them, with a polite and sweet smile.  _Fucking dripping water_  and Louis is soon  _dripping saliva_  from his mouth. “And is better if I just take a shower.” He finishes, for no reason at all pointing at the hall.

“You still need a towel.” Fiona chuckles.

“I –I will go give him.” Louis finally speaks, trying to articulate everything in his mind. Harry’s body in that wet shirt, Harry coming to his old house after a run, Harry sweetly smiling at his sister, Harry having his  _fucking_ keys. Louis is an asshole for staring and finding hard to breathe and talk at this time. “I just finished.” He says, ignoring the fact that still has milk and some cereals in his bowl but who is him to disappoint Harry Styles, while wanting to take a warm shower in his old bathroom.

Harry nods with a small smile and Louis stands up to walk out of the kitchen to the hall, walking up the stairs. Harry takes his sneakers first, letting them at the end of the stairs before following him.

They go to Louis’ room, where Harry gets some dry clothes while Louis goes to the bathroom attached to reach for some towels, which can be used by Harry.

“Sorry for letting water all over the floor.” Harry says, bent over rummaging through his bag and Louis shouldn’t be thinking about that one day –between many – they took a bath together and forgot about the towels and needed to walk around Louis’ house naked looking for some, wetting the floor, no shame till Harry falls over and Louis has that huge urge to lay down on top of his naked body and just kiss him. Kiss him there in the middle of the hall, where in any minute his family would come and find them in that figure. But Louis didn’t care by that time, he had his best friend and he could kiss him. So he did it, – obviously after laughing because of his fall – he laid down on top of Harry, naked body pressed against naked body, cold warming up, tender gestures being shared, love being given hand in hand between the two and just… fuck it was so good. Louis knew he could do everything, everything he did was good for Harry, everything was enough, just the two were enough and Louis didn’t even see a problem in that. They were happy, they had a wet floor to clean, but they were happy. And when Harry kept apologising for forgetting about the towels and wetting the floor Louis kissed him and even thanked him for that. For everything.

“Thank you.” Louis says and no. Nope. He can’t do this, he can’t be doing this, he grew up, they grew up and can’t go back now. Louis can’t even love him. Louis looks at Harry and can’t even feel love. He just feels sadness and nostalgia, that’s no way to feel towards someone. Especially someone like Harry.

“Excuse me?” Harry asks, raising his head, trying to look at Louis, confused.

“I said it’s okay. And here you have some towels.” He quickly says, putting them above the mattress Harry was in.

“Thank you.” Harry sounds weird, Louis is sure of it, but he won’t do anything about that. He won’t even think about it.

Louis awkwardly stands there behind Harry, not knowing what to do next, so when he turns around to face Louis, he loses it. He just stares at the taller guy thinking if he walks away if he needs to say something and what, thinking that if he stays in the room what would he do and if Harry would find it weird he just, he doesn’t know and – “Is that a tattoo?” Louis asks, looking at Harry’s chest with narrowed eyes.

Harry looks down, as if not even he was aware of that detail in his body. But Louis tries to look closer, underneath the wet shirt and even a bit out of the collar he sees two spots, in each side close to his collarbones and really, what is it? Louis wants to know, Louis didn’t even know that Harry was into these things, Harry did a tattoo and Louis doesn’t know why and when and what’s the meaning behind it – if it has any meaning. And Louis is thinking and he can’t,  _I need to stop_ , he tells himself. Harry doesn’t even look comfortable listening to that subject being brought up.

When Louis is opening his mouth to apologise – it perhaps would come out like  _sorry but can you just tell me what it is? –_ Louis’ phone rings and he is probably thankful for it. Definitely. He looks up at Harry,  _at his face_ , for a moment, and doesn’t even say a word, he just walks past him to grab his phone from the nightstand. 

 _Zayn,_ he reads on the ID and thank you Zayn, thank you.

“Hi babe,” Louis answers right away and Harry, who was weirdly standing in the same place, walks to the mattress to grab the towels.

“I’m just going to…” He awkwardly says, again, pointing at the bathroom, Louis makes a thumbs up – couldn’t get stranger – and Harry leaves. Louis sights in the middle of something he clearly didn’t listen to that Zayn was saying.

“Was that Harry?”

“Yes.” Louis answers, sitting in the edge of the bed.

“Are you okay, Louis?”

“Sorry, yes I am. A little spaced out, just…” he even forgot that he was supposed to be mad at Zayn. Not mad, more like disappointed. But yes, he is and it affects the way he talks and acts with him, even look at him. “Okay, yes, what were you asking previously?”

“I just asked how you were going.”

“Good.” Not a lie.

“Good? You honestly left me confused when you said you were going to take Harry with you…”

“It was a decision made in the last minute.” He bites his bottom lip and listens to the shower being turned on from the bathroom.

“Do you think it was… the best?”

“Yes.” He answers without thinking. “Yes… yes it was I mean… they’re all happy. My family. And I. I think it was good. At first was hard, especially with my father you know, but yesterday everything got better and… wow I can’t believe in what is happening.” He chuckles a bit. He needs to free himself, he needs to stop overthinking, stop turning good things in bad ones, needs to concentrate in the minute, in the present because everything else needs to be left out to enjoy the moment. And Louis might still be too fucked up to keep it but he needs to. He needs to make himself feel happy because at the end of the day he is the only one who can do it, who makes the choice.

“So… everything is okay between you two?”

“Yeah, life is good.”

“That’s really good, little one.” And Zayn sounds really happy for him, which makes him miss the brown eyed guy. He deals with him 24/7 since he can remember now and Louis can’t forget about him. Louis needs to keep valorising Zayn in his life even though, right now, he is disappointed.

“And how are you?” He asks because let’s not talk about him. Enough of that.

“Oh. I am good, yes. Feel a bit lonely.”

“I am coming back tomorrow love, don’t worry.” Louis jokes. “but why don’t you hang out with Liam? Even Niall.”

“I went for breakfast with Niall yesterday.”

“Liam…”

“Oh yeah… no, maybe I will give him a call today.” And Louis honestly thinks when he and Zayn are apart and they talk on the phone they look and sound like his sister talking with her boyfriend, or his mother talking with her friends and just… Louis thinks that’s good. Because Louis needs this, Louis still needs Zayn a lot because for long moments, in London, he is all Louis has. Louis can’t forget that.

So they keep talking till they reach a moment where it’s just rambling and talking about stuff they probably did a month ago, or remembering each other from things they both lived together and that’s far from the  _Louis is disappointed with Zayn thing_ , but Louis ignores it for a bit.

“All right, go on then. I will see you tomorrow little one. Love you.” Zayn says the same moment Harry is coming out from the bathroom, all dressed up and a towel around his shoulders, going behind his neck to prevent his hair to wet his shirt. He looks comfy and fresh and Louis wants to smell him.

_No Louis doesn’t want to smell him._

“Bye, love. See you tomorrow.” Louis says back and hangs up.

“Hi.” Harry says then and Louis feels the need to smile a little.

“Hi.” He answers, Harry scratches the back of his head and Louis stands up.

“Okay, so today we have that dinner at the formal’s guy house?”

_At your old house_

~*~

And the dinner goes pretty well. It had to. The Johnson’s are really friendly, even though not the kind of people Louis would see himself interacting this well with – because too posh and too expensive and too look alike from Harry’s parents – but Louis enjoys their company, so does his family – not Peter included, because he can’t wait to get the hell out of this house to go to his computer. Louis and Derek’s parents spend the night talking, just discussing about what they’ve been doing as if they didn’t see each other almost every day while Zoe talks with Derek’s girlfriend – who Louis called fiancé by mistake and Harry complimented a lot – and Louis, Harry and Derek talk about things in general. About college, because Harry wanted to know about their experience, even though Derek is older.  _Best years of my life_ , Derek answers with a grin while Louis grumbles  _worst time of my miserable life._

It goes on like this and Louis sees how integrated Harry can really get because suddenly he joins Zoe and Cassie – Derek’s girlfriend, typical blonde with green eyes – to the conversation. Travelling is the topic.

“Since I live in New York, we explored most of the States so we’re now going around Europe. However, New York will always be our special place.” Cassie says, holding Derek’s hand above the table. Louis would say she is with him for the money and all the things he gives her but honestly, he knows that look. The way she looks at him is beautiful and Louis can’t be mistaken if he sees it with his own pair of blue eyes.

“I would love to visit New York.” Zoe comments, looking at the couple in both interest and adoration.

“Get a job and get married, maybe you’ll be lucky enough for that.” Louis jokes, raising his eyebrows, teasing her.

“What about you Harry?” Derek looks at the man sat in front of him in the table.

“I have only been in Seattle.” He answers. So he was living in Seattle.

“I went there once with my parents because of business. Didn’t get the time to visit places and to appreciate the ambient. Cassie goes there a lot.” Derek sighs. “Tell me, did you like it?”

“It was all right. I lived there for two and a half years more or less. But honestly, there’s nothing better than London.”

“You live in London now?” Cassie asks her eyes shining glued in Harry’s features. He nods, with a small smile in his lips, as an answer. “I used to live and even though I travel a lot, I still love that place the most.”

“You went to America after moving from here right?” Derek asks and Louis knows it’s not his fault that the guy doesn’t know that this subject isn’t particularly Harry’s favourite but he honestly wants to push him out of the chair. Since they entered this house Harry hasn’t even look around, hasn’t made himself look curious about the place, it almost looks like the first time Louis got here knowing that this house didn’t belong to Harry anymore but to his new neighbour.

“Exactly.”

“What made you change your mind and move out to London? Why not to here again?”

“Erm, it’s… a long story.” He says uncomfortably, looking at Louis for an instant.

“You lived here, Harry?” Cassie asks, showing curiosity.

“Yes, he is the old owner from this house, darling.” Derek answers in Harry’s turn. Cassie looks surprised and Louis asks himself what’s wrong with her because he has noticed the way she looks at Harry as if she is examining him and Louis can’t understand how Harry doesn’t even feel bothered with it. Maybe he didn’t notice, but hell, Louis did.

“Oh my god.” She says then and looks at Harry one more time, with her eyes wide open, mouth almost forming a perfect “o”. “You’re Styles, aren’t you?”

“Yes.” Harry answers, no stuttering, firm tone and Louis is impressed.

“I knew that I recognised you from somewhere.” She grins and Harry narrows his eyes. “You’re my cousin.”  _What the fuck._

“What?” Harry almost laughs. “I’m sorry I don’t think we know each other.” Louis looks at Harry and then at the woman at time. No, not happening. They aren’t even –okay maybe, her eyes perhaps but no, Louis can’t really imagine Harry’s family. Harry having cousins. This is weird.

“Yes we do. I’m sure. You grew up so much, I don’t even blame you if you don’t recognise me because every time you would go visiting us, you didn’t look to anyone. This when you would go with your parents at all.” She continues and Harry looks at her more confused than ever. “I’m Lizzy’s daughter. Sarah’s sister.” And fuck. Louis notices the way Harry’s eyes go wide, looking at the woman in horror. Literally in horror. He clenches his jaw, his throat probably goes dry, his fists shut above the table and Louis wants to rest his hand in his shoulder. Relax him. Do something, but instead he just stares and the guy and waits for what’s happening next. “Are you… okay?” Cassie asks, bowing her brow.

“Yes.” Harry answers in a monotone tone. Everyone else in the table seems oblivious of what is happening but Zoe is looking at Louis probably with the same aim that Louis has when looks at Harry. “I’m sorry it just took me by surprise. I didn’t… Sorry for not recognising you.” His voice almost breaks but Louis is impressed that he is holding himself this well.

“It’s okay, I didn’t expect anything else.” Cassie doesn’t even look like the type of girl Harry described his family to be when he used to go spend Christmas in London. She actually seems nice. “I can’t believe I’m actually talking to you. You can’t imagine how things have been since you disappeared. I mean… can I use this term?” Louis also wants to push her out of the chair even though she speaks carefully and looks at Harry not in a judging way, more like a concerned one.

“It’s okay… I guess.”  _It’s not._

“Are you okay? Like, have you have a house? A job?”

“Yes.” He answers the same way he has been answering and Derek looks at them attentively.

“God,” She shakes her head and Louis can hardly tell but she even seems feeling a bit emotional over this. They’re family, right? Harry can’t even find a way to move. Louis asks himself if he is breathing. “this is insane. You probably can’t believe it but the day you ran away your mom called mine. She was… she sounded sick, insane. She was talking about the note you left and how your father didn’t even want to call the police to look for you.” Harry shuts his eyes and Louis is hitting his limit point and good because it seems like Harry’s limit point is Louis’. “They were dealing with the papers from the divorce and you leaving just –“

“Are you trying to make me feel bad for leaving that place?” Harry interrupts her, he sounds so disturbed, making everyone else stop their conversation to look at Cassie and him. Derek looks so confused that if it wasn’t for the moment it’d be amusing. “I’m sorry,” Harry rubs his temples. Louis’ eyes are locked in his profile and damn, he wants to touch him, he needs to, he needs to help him in this.

“I’m not. I’m sorry,” Cassie says in a hurry, as if wanting to get her message sooner to Harry. “It wasn’t my intension. I understand… I kind of understand why you left them. I’m just trying to show you that they cared. I’m specially talking about Sarah, but I know David did too. You leaving, made them feel really down.”

“I’m sure.” Harry half laughs and then looks around, noticing all eyes on him. “Please, let’s just not…”

“Harry, maybe it’d be good contacting them. It’s been years.”

“No.” Harry says straight away and Louis can’t contain himself when rests his hand above Harry’s forearm, a touch just to remind Harry that he is there and he is okay. Harry instantly stops himself from what he is about to say and looks at the side to Louis. Louis nods and keeps his eyes locked with his green ones. “I’m sorry, this is extremely rude and impolite but I think it’s better if I just… go.” Harry says looking around at everyone, each one looking shocker than the other.

Harry puts his both hands above the table and stands up, walking away from there. Louis looks at his mother, who makes him tones of questions just with his eyes, he doesn’t dare to look at his father, afraid of finding something he doesn’t want to, he looks at Zoe who is telling him  _go, go, go,_ without even saying the words. So he finds it enough, he gives a quick look at Derek and his girlfriend – _Harry’s cousin,_ and stands up.

“I’m sorry, excuse me.” He says quickly and walks away as fast as possible. The noise from the front door shutting was previously heard before and is heard one more time by Louis this time.

Louis doesn’t even need to think or look for Harry, he runs through the small stairs and goes to sidewalk. He sees a silhouette walking quite quickly along the path so Louis follows him. It could even feel like he is being creepy but right now he doesn’t know if it’s a good idea to just pop out next to Harry. He doesn’t even know what he would say, what would be the right thing, what would be what Harry needs and wants to hear. So he follows him till they reach their familiar park.

Harry doesn’t sit under the tree this time, he takes off his shoes and socks, rolls up his jeans and sits near the lake, his feet touching the icing water. Louis sees him and decides to finally get near him. He sits Indian style next to Harry, feeling the wet grass in his bum but looking up at the sky like the younger guy is doing as well. Unlike London, the sky even being a really dark colour, it has stars and Louis feels alive. After everything he can feel alive by looking at a sky full of stars with the sun next to him.

“Hi.” Louis says after some minutes, looking at the side to face Harry’s features. He is so brave, Harry is so damn brave, he was when Louis knew him and got even more afterwards and now he is a hero.

“Hey,” Harry’s weak voice is heard and he slowly looks down at Louis.

“Aren’t your feet cold under water?” he asks looking down at Harry’s legs and then going back up.

“Very.” Harry shrugs and they fall into silence. Louis doesn’t know what he should do and it’s literally killing him, the grass underneath him is eating every piece of him, dragging him down to the dirt and he is letting them. He doesn’t care because he is being useless. Useless and a smoker. He gets his pack of cigarettes from his jacket and the lighter. If they’re killing him then he’ll die with nicotine in his lungs as cause of death because he doesn’t want to deal with the shame. “Can you give me one?” Harry asks when Louis is already giving a drag and taking it between his lips, by his fingers. He looks at Harry attentively for a moment.

“No way I’m letting you get addicted to this shit.”

“I wouldn’t get addictive. It’d be just this one time and I… I need something to distract myself.” He looks up at the sky again, not meeting Louis’ face after the rejection.

“I’m here. To distract you I mean.” Louis puts the cigarettes in his lips again, giving a long drag this time, blowing the smoke then out in direction to the lake. Harry doesn’t say a word and Louis honestly doesn’t want to smoke another one but Harry is making it hard.

“It’s you and me.” He says when Louis is finishing the whole cigarette, and for much he loves to smoke in peace and silence he is also used to how relaxing it is smoking with Zayn so this uncomfortable silence isn’t that welcome.

“What is you and me?” Louis asks, his heart beating hard on his chest, throwing the unlit cigarette away.

“My tattoo.” Correction, Louis heart isn’t even beating, it stopped. “Not literally,” Harry chuckles, he can chuckle while Louis is just paralysed looking at the man, not feeling his legs at all. “It’s not like I tattooed our faces on my chest.” He continues and then briefly looks at Louis, who keeps staring at him, pale, probably going into cardiac arrest and Harry is still laughing. “Right,” he clears his throat. “It’s two swallows. The left one is me and the right one is you.” Louis’ heart is still not beating. “I made it when I established myself in London and after seeing you with Zayn. Wanna know what they mean?" He meets Louis’ eyes. He must be looking terrible but right now he is too dead to realise something. If that makes sense.

“Please.” Louis listens to himself but he can’t recognise his own voice, he can’t feel himself speaking.

“Freedom. What we always wanted together.” He starts and Louis feels his eyes burning. “It means that we both found our way, with the help with the other and not. We did it. The fact that one of them symbolises you also means that you’ll always be with me, you’re part of me. Being free or not, you’re here, so when I don’t feel it you will be there to guide me.” He finishes and Louis gulps in dry.

Harry Styles inked permanently in his skin something so symbolic but so important for both. It reminds Harry Louis, it is a part of Louis. Harry Styles is crazy and never forgot about him.

Louis presses his lips together and nods. Louis nods because there’s no words right now that can express what he is feeling. He wants to say thank you but he doesn’t even have the strength for it. Harry nods back, as if he was answering at something, as if they’re really communicating this way. And it’s enough.

“This is crazy.” Louis says then, his voice breaking. He can’t wait to hug Harry, have him in his arms, make sure he is real and is there, with his freaking feet still under water. “I made one too.” He confesses and Harry looks curiously at him, giving him full attention. “On the same place, shit.” He sinks his fingers in his hair, pulling his fringe to the side. “It says, it is what it is.”

“What does it mean?”

“Life. Life, it is what it is. We are here right now because it is what it is. The pain, the sorrow, the guilt, the love, the hope… it is what it is. It’s almost like, it is meant to be, it is this way for a reason and the result of it will always be something good.”

“You’re saying that everything that happened to us, brought good things and it was meant to be?”

“I’m not saying it was meant to be, but it happened for a reason. It brought me good things as well yes. Like Zayn, a different view to the world and you said and I agreed, our relationship wasn’t healthy so it made it change. Made us change. But you’re back here, and you’re free. We are free. It means something. Somehow, when I did this tattoo I was expecting good things and accepting the bad ones.”

Harry looks at Louis for a long moment, maybe longer than the one Louis took. Then he opens his arms to call for Louis. He approaches Harry, fitting himself under his arm. Harry puts it around his shoulders and make him get close to him.

“Last night you had another dream.” Harry says and Louis was expecting him to talk about his parents, about what happened just a while ago. But apparently it still isn’t the time. “Can you remember anything?” Louis shakes his head. “I tried to relax you again. This time you didn’t call me Zayn.”

“I called you Zayn the other time?”

“Yes, you thought I was Zayn.” Louis tries to speak but Harry doesn’t allow him to. “You called me Harry this time but… I think you kind of lost track of the time because you were talking as if… as if anything had happened. As if I was still living here and we were teens and went to school together –“

“Oh god.” Louis sighs, almost panicking.

“No, no… it’s okay. I mean, it was weird, very weird and I felt… I think I felt sad.”

“Did I do something that –“

“No!” Harry interrupts him. “No, you didn’t, just said some stuff but nothing bad, I swear. You talked about staying in bed all day and then… you talked about my parents.” Louis looks up at the younger man, apologetically. “Ironic, right?” he chuckles but his expression drops, however, he brings Louis even closer to him, their bodies pressed together. “And now I realise, you’re right. I’m free. And I love it, it’s amazing. It makes me happy.” He smiles to himself but Louis sees it, Louis sees it and wants to keep seeing it. “So seeing her tonight,” he starts and Louis doesn’t really know how it happens but Harry finds a way to hide his face on the crook of his neck, resting his head on his shoulder. “made me feel so much fear. That all of this can end.”

“It won’t, you know they can’t do anything to you.” Louis says softly.

“I know that, but just the idea of seeing them… it terrifies me.” He sighs, making Louis feel his hot breathe hitting his skin. “What she said… they didn’t care, the never did. I never understood them, especially the reason why they gave me so much hate instead of love.” There’s a pause. “But… if my parents were different, honestly Louis, I think I wouldn’t be able to love you as much as I did.” Louis’ breath gets stuck in his throat. “Because you were the only person I had to love, the only person that showed me the meaning of that word.” Louis feels Harry’s hand holding his other shoulder and Louis feels. Louis feels Harry’s lips slightly touching his warm skin from his neck. Kissing, pecking, slowly and the touch is hardly there but he is doing it. This small gesture. “So you’re right. It is what it is.”

 ~*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » really weird chapter, at first i wasn't sure about it but then i think it went all right. so how's you thoughts about harry's cousin appearence? do you think it'll change something or lead to something? do you agree with what harry said about loving louis the way he did because he was the only person he had?


	22. Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » really sorry for the wait but i've been writing a new fic and i focused more on that one this past week so i didn't get the patience to write this chapter, especially now with the holidays. Merry Christmas to everyone btw, i'm still not that late!! hope you all had a good day!

 

Goodbyes were never Louis' favourite cup of tea so maybe there are times that he doesn't go visit his family in Doncaster just because then he knows he will have to say goodbye to them, not knowing when he will come back.  

Especially this time. Today he is going back to London and he isn't saying goodbye alone, he isn't saying goodbye with Zayn next to him, who always cheers everyone up even though they're whispering encouraging things and hug each other, this time Louis is saying goodbye with Harry next to him and somehow everything gets ten times sadder than the usual.  

Louis knows his mother is holding herself and his father, even after what happened yesterday still hugs Harry and Louis as a goodbye. Zoe might have told him and Fiona what happened during dinner because they didn't comment on it, which was a relief for Harry – and even for Louis. 

Daisy keeps brushing her muzzle in Harry and Louis' ankles and it's like she knows. She understands everything, like when Harry left and Louis felt crushed down, she knew something was off. Now she remembers Harry's smell and acts like Louis. She wants to keep remembering it and doesn't want to let him go. 

Louis finishes saying goodbye to his brother and sister, who apparently is only going back to Manchester in two days, while Harry pets Daisy, trying to make her let him go in the nicest way.  

"You know... you can take her." Fiona's voice is heard, everyone looks at her giving her full attention. Harry stops petting the cat to look up at the woman who's smiling at him. Louis can't believe what he is listening to.   

"Fio –No..." Harry tries to speak, a bit taken by surprise with her words.  

"She was your idea, Harry." Louis' mother continues. "She was yours and Louis' in the first place. It makes no sense keeping her here with me now." What is stopping Louis to interject in this is the tender smile Fiona has in her face while she speaks and looks at Harry.  

"No, I shouldn't. This is her home."  

"You and Louis are her home." Fiona says softly and Louis looks shocked at her. "She can go back to be closer to you two." No she can't, Louis thinks, she can't because it's not like Louis and Harry are together 24/7 like they were. They don't live close to each other, taking Daisy now would be pointless, Harry having her on his flat back in London would be the same thing as she staying in Doncaster. 

Fiona tries to continue, Harry too astonished to answer yet, but Louis speaks. "Mom," he calls her in a warning. "please..." He says and she looks at him in an apologetic way. He knows she's trying to help, maybe she thinks this would be the best but Louis has a feeling that it wouldn't. They can't force these type of things now, they're starting from the beginning, they can't get attached to things from the past. "I'm just going to bring my suitcase from upstairs. Give me a minute." Harry looks at Louis, probably waiting for him to say something, to look at him, but that doesn't happen.  

Louis walks upstairs to his room. The mattress that once was on the floor, for Harry to sleep, is now stood up against the wall, Louis' bed is also made, the blinds from the window are only half opened and Louis looks around and it looks like the same it did when he came here for Christmas. Sad, lonely and... cold. It's like Harry was never here. 

Louis sighs, he can't deny it, he is still so attached to the past even though he knows he can't do anything to bring it back. He can't, it's a fact, for much they fight for it, things will never be like they were. In one hand it's good because they grew up and maybe they can turn out to make things better this time, however on the other hand it's devastating.  

But Louis wants to change, for better of course. He has Harry now, not the way he needs or wants to but... he doesn't even know how he wants Harry in his life, how he wants things to be between them so it's okay.  _It's okay_. Harry is okay and he is happy and that's what Louis always wanted to be sure of. 

He looks at his nightstand and there's the same picture he sees every time he comes here and every time it makes him feel empty. But today it doesn't. He needs to free himself from all these things that are locking him up, making him feel trapped in his sleep, all the things that made him change through the years need to disappear, need to leave him alone. 

It starts with this picture, in this room. He looks one more time to the way he is looking at Harry, once his whole world, his whole reason of breathing, in the photograph. He memorises it and he is even smiling. He needs to focus in one thing, he was once happy with Harry by his side and he will never forget it.  

He opens the small drawer from the table to put there the picture but something catches his eyes first.  _Harry's letter_. He knows that envelop too well, but it wasn't even supposed to be in this drawer. He doesn't contain himself when grabs it and sits on the edge of the bed, putting the picture next to him, and he opens the envelope to read it. He remembers the day his mother came in and told him that there was something for him in the mail.  

She knew Louis wouldn't answer and opening this letter was the hardest things he has ever done. 

He looks at the first two words on top of the old paper, in that same familiar handwriting.  

 _Hello my love._  

Otherwise other times, when he needs to take a deep breathe, Louis is smiling. 

 _I wish I had the words to articulate how truly_ _remainable_ _(is that even a word?) you are for me._  

 _I wish I could tell you how important you are to me, like you really deserve, with the right choice of words and that it would sound as beautiful as singing you a poem._  

 _You have daisies planted within your smile, and the beauty of the sunrise in every laugh. You are as addictive as pain killers; I swear there’s lightening running through your veins._  

 _I wish I could tell you these things without the help of a pen and paper, but somehow I can’t._  

 _You were always the one who had more words to speak, the right ones… I only limited myself to write everything down._  

 _Don’t worry, you’re still mine by eternal right because I wrote our story in a paper and will keep it with me for as long as I breathe, for as long as your soul is with me into the night. You touched me in so many ways, you touched my heart, you touched my soul, my hands, my lips, my body… you changed my life, my goals, you made me believe that dreaming is all right and it’s better when you have someone to share it with, you made me want to be a person and made me believe that I have the right to be happy because I’m human, and we’re alive and breathing and we’re beautiful._  

 _You taught me that love is blind and every time you pointed at the moon I was looking at your hand… just like you were at mine. And yes, yes god damn yes you’re beautiful enough for my eyes… you’re even too beautiful for my eyes and they glow every time I look at you and I’ll always fall asleep holding my pillow wishing it was you._  

 _I’ve kissed your lips, held your hand, shared your dreams, your bed, I know your smell and I’m addictive to you. You’re so addictive Louis…_  

 _My beautiful Louis._  

 _You always said that I thanked you too many times but I think I never thanked you enough, like I never spoke my feelings to you like I always should. But I always did my best because I wanted to be the best for you. You,_   _who have watched me cry, smile and falling asleep, who knows my fears and helped me to walk by them while telling myself that I am brave..._  

 _And I am brave Louis, I believe you._  

 _And as you move on, remember me, remember us. Pretend that you want it, don't react. I’d spend a lifetime with you if possible, I swear that this is the truth because in twenty years I will remember you, us, and it doesn’t scare me at all. In twenty years I still won’t be able to live without you because I will always be breathing with the idea that I should have kissed you longer…_  

 _You can have my bucket list, because those things there were all meant to be shared with you… but I’m grateful that I could check the last thing on the list because we truly fell for each other._  

 _Thank you, Louis._  

The amazing part of this is when Louis first read this, plus the other times he'd come home and decided to torture himself with these memories is that... he didn’t know the reason why Harry left. There was no explanation. Now he knows and maybe Harry didn't tell him the reason in ink because somehow he also believed they'd meet again and then he could talk to Louis and tell him all the unspoken words. Harry had hope even though he was putting a goodbye letter in a mail box, with no idea if he was even going to come back to that place, come back and see Louis again.  

Louis switches the paper and sees Harry's bucket list, still untouched, with the same number of checks and blank boxes. He doesn't know what he is thinking about when he takes that one paper ripped from Harry's journal and puts on the pocket from his jeans. The letter remains in his hand. 

"Louis?" He hears and quickly raises his head to look at Harry beside the door from his room. "You okay?" He asks and starts walking closer, his expression showing concern. Louis can't even speak, he is just looking at Harry, probably with his lips parted and his cheeks rosy "Have you been crying?" Harry crouches down in front of Louis, his hands rested in Louis' knees. Now Louis feels his eyes a bit wet, once he blinks, but he doesn't feel sad for reading the letter now. He has the same guy in front of him looking at him in concern and touching him in a tender way. Maybe is just the thought of everything coming down to his head, reality hitting him, knowing that the past is gone and this is the present and everything is going to be different.  

"No, I just..." He sniffles and then smiles. A genuine smile, but when he is about to speak Harry interrupts him 

"Is that..." he starts looking down at Louis' lap, his hands slide from his knees to touch Louis' ones. Louis gulps in dry but examines the way Harry looks at the paper, only touching Louis' skin and not daring to touch the letter. His hair falls a bit down, to the front of his forehead but Louis doesn't even think about pulling those locks of hair to the side because it just looks... beautiful. 

He knows he shouldn't but, somehow, looking at Harry this way, not really knowing what he is thinking about but trying to guess, knowing that he is feeling, he is feeling  _something_ , while touching Louis and being so gentle... is beautiful.  

"How could you keep this?" He asks almost in a whisper. 

"It was the last thing you touched." Louis answers, he feels Harry shaking with the answer and squeezing a little Louis' hands. He is reacting. 

"Louis..." He speaks again and his hands move from Louis' to the piece of paper, grabbing it carefully. "Can I keep it?" He asks weakly. "I don't want you to see this again." And Louis wants to protest about it, but isn't he trying to get rid of the past that makes him no good? This is like the worst one. 

"Okay..." That's all Louis answers because there's no way he can manage to say something else. Harry stands up and shoves it into the pocket of his coat, he looks at the side, seeing the picture of him and Louis on the mattress and picks it up too, but only to put it on the same place Louis took but instead planned to save in the drawer. He follows every movement from Harry with his eyes. 

"Let's go?" And Harry smiles. 

~*~ 

"The bloody bastard." Louis groans, giving up on the call he is making.  

"He is still not picking up?" Harry asks looking at the side at Louis. The tube is almost reaching the stop Louis needs to exit. This is why he hates public transports and he still doesn't understand why he didn't travel by car to the station and left it there. If that happened Zayn wouldn't be able to leave the house and maybe he could pick the god damn phone. 

"No. His phone must be on mute. He is not even at home because I tried to call there too and there was no answer." Louis sighs, frustrated. 

"Do you think something happened?" Harry asks and why is he so good, why does he look at least a little bit concerned over something he doesn't need to? 

"Nothing happens to Zayn." Louis chuckles. "And even if it did, I would have known already." 

"You can stay over at mine. At least till you know something." 

"I don't really wanna bother you." And this is such a stupid excuse that even Harry gets it and laughs a bit. 

"You know you don't bother. And after this weekend, I'd feel too lonely in the flat." 

"Do you usually feel lonely?" Louis asks now really curious.  

"Yeah sometimes." Harry looks forward and rests his back completely on the seat. "I can always call Niall or go over to Ed's..." _Oh._  "But it never feels enough... like, it's selfish to say but I don't know." He smiles somehow timidly and then takes his hands to his face. "It's stupid. Anyway." he drops them to reveal his face again and looks at the side at Louis. "What's your thing about not carrying your keys with you,  _bro_?" 

"So then I can stay over yours, _pal_." Louis jokes, raising his eyebrow in a cheekily way and emphasising the word pal.  

And yes, maybe Louis should do this more times, should keep forgetting about carrying his keys and Zayn should not answer his phone and being at home when Louis needs to, because then he can have this. He can have a discussion with Harry about TV series and peperoni in the pizza they delivered. Discuss about cleaning habits – because it's a thing in their lives now – to get to know that now Harry is a very tidy person; about the consequences of going for a run while raining and about simple things such as,  _black and white pictures look better_.  

Louis missed these kind of things, missed the way he laughed around Harry because apparently it's different from the way he usually laughs and he knows... he knows he laughed this way once. It's such an informal feeling that it's comfortable. Random starts to be good again.  

"That cat is a spoiled brat." Louis comments, they're sat on the floor next to Harry's mattress, they had given up from the comfort of the sofa after Harry had showed Louis the latest pictures he had taken. 

"Ed raised him pretty badly. He is going to be an awful father. And then I have to handle his tantrums." Harry chuckles, while Louis is sat Indian style, Harry is almost laid down on the cold floor with his head rested on the mattress.  

"Ed told me he doesn't like coming to your house, so you have to go to his to take care of him when he is out." Harry looks at Louis questionably but doesn't ask anything.  

"Yup, can you believe that once I was giving him food, right? And obviously I gave him the portion I thought it was enough, but what's enough for me isn't enough for him apparently. He is a cat for god's sakes but he probably understood that I wasn't going to give him more, so he attacked me. Literally in the face." He says between pauses, looking at Louis, his hand raised and joining his thumb with his index to make his point. "He took me the food from my hands, ate it and walked away meowing. But wait, that meow sounded like he was mocking me." Louis laughs by the way Harry's tone of voice and face that still changes when he tells something that is beyond one sentence.  

"I can believe that. He did the same with me when I went to Ed's flat. You know to ask for... your keys." He says slower and Harry nods once, still with a smile playing on his face. "We were lucky that Daisy was the sweetest."  

"She still is." Harry says, looking away from Louis and stretching his legs completely, his feet almost reaching the small wardrobe he has in front of them. "I was thinking about getting a cat because of the loneliness I feel sometimes. But I never had the courage for it." Louis looks attentively at Harry's profile. "I would have loved to bring Daisy." Harry confesses, his voice lower than previously and Louis knows it's because he isn't sure if he should say that. "But I didn't have the right to agree with your mother." He finishes and Louis nods even though Harry can't see him. 

"I think we should... like," Louis sighs "forget about the past." 

"What?" Harry quickly turns his look at Louis, sitting on the floor completely.  

"Like, these things that make us stuck in the past, make us talk about it this way. It's the past, Harry. Things won't be like that anymore, everything changed. We can't keep attached to it."  

"I don't want to forget about it." Harry half shouts, narrowing his eyes, making Louis pulling a little away from Harry's side. "I'm not saying things will be the same, but I want to keep reliving them, want to keep all the good memories, I want to talk about it and keep showing you that I was really happy." 

"But this is a chance we got Harry, don't you see?" Louis tries not to raise his voice. "We did something wrong in the past. You said it and I agree. This is our second chance for us to build a better friendship, we can't make the things we did in the past." 

"It's a cat Louis. Was she a mistake? The things we can't do again is build an unhealthy relationship and... and just stay." Harry's tone gets softer every word he speaks, Louis is frozen next to him uncertain if he should stand up, if he should move, if he should speak and even if he should breath. "Everything else was..." he stops himself from continuing, then sighs and is the one standing up. He takes his fingers to his hair, pushing it to the back. Louis looks up, following Harry with his blue eyes, his heart is racing, he isn't even sure how to feel about this. This conversation wasn't supposed to happen but... 

"Finish it." Louis looks down, brings his knees up and keeps his hands above them. He feels Harry's eyes on him, questionably. "Finish what you were going to say." Pause. There's a long pause and then Harry starts walking again through his flat.  

"Everything else was perfect Louis and I want it back."  

Louis' heart stops. He opens his eyes widely, for no reason though because he keeps his eyes locked on the same spot on the floor just a little bit ahead from the wardrobe.  

Harry can't fucking say this. He can't fucking dare to say this, throw this at Louis' face this way as if he knows him. As if he knows him as good as he did years ago.  

But Harry is still the person who knows Louis the best, but was also the person who hurt him the most.  

"I..." Harry starts, his voice gets caught in his throat, he opens and closes his mouth some times before an actual sound coming out. Louis probably doesn't even notice most of his struggle. "I mean, I know –" Harry groans. "Why the fuck did I say this." He mutters but Louis hears. He hears everything, his steps, his heavy breathing... but he is still frozen. "I don't...It's not like I –" he keeps trying to find the right words, his pass getting faster, his fingers sinking harder on his scalp, his breathing getting even more unsteady and Louis' heart is still not working. It could be beating fast at least, but Louis doesn't even feel one heartbeat. "Louis, say something." He half shouts, desperate and looking at the older guy on the floor almost in mercy. Louis doesn't speak a word. "I'm sorry." He quickly says. "I... fuck." He shouts and presses his back against the wall on the living room's part, far from Louis. He slides down and sits on the floor, in the same position as Louis.  

"I can't talk." Harry whimpers and there's silence. "Next to you. My journal. Please." He sounds so weak and Louis is so out of the hemisphere. He can't move even though he listened to it. "Please." Harry repeats after a few seconds of Louis still being paralysed in his place.  

And Louis keeps like that for more minutes.  

Then he moves.   

He raises his head and looks at where Harry is supposed to be. He is looking at the ceiling, his knees brought up almost to his chest and his head against the wall. Louis bites his bottom lip and then looks at his side.   

Harry's journal is there, the same brown book is there, with the faded black ink, with the same paper that Louis once gave him quoting his mother's words (or something he saw) –  _Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness_ , – glued on it as well as the same two pictures, one of Daisy and the other from them when they were eight, playing with leaves. Everything is there even though it looks old. But it's there and Harry still keeps the past with him and that hurts. That hurts more than it should.  

Louis opens it. He doesn't remember Harry ever telling him to go look into his journal and honestly, right now, Louis is afraid of what he can find here. He slowly goes through the pages, not daring to look at the ones he already looked at and at what Harry had told him about. He doesn't even know what he is looking for but he goes through the pages till it reaches a point that there's a ripped one. He flips three more and there's another ripped one. A blank page. A drawing and Louis has sure it is him but he doesn't read what's written underneath it. He flips other and he is already in the right end of the book but there's one text written, another ripped page and in the next one, another text. Then all the pages till the end are blank.  

Louis goes back and realises that... Harry has only made a drawing, writing two pages and ripped one. That's all he did after leaving. The two ripped pages is one from his bucket list and the other one is the one Harry used to write the letter. That fucking letter. 

Louis goes to the first text. 

 _Third month_ , he reads, not really knowing the meaning of that. His tired eyes start reading the sentences. 

 _And here I am again half asleep and half awake and my mind wanders to you and how I wish you were here with me and how I am struggling to breathe and you are my last breath of fresh air and how the smell of you in this t-shirt is making me delirious and I think I'm hallucinating because I think I see you right in front of me with that smile that's like heroin it's horribly addicting and those lips like the ocean that take my breath away and that laugh like the waves that I can listen to all day and your arms like the current that can take me anywhere._  

This was what Harry wrote when he was in America, Louis is sure of it. But... even though he understands what it means he doesn't understand the feelings Harry is trying to transmit. Love? Sadness? Nostalgia? Maybe all at once, maybe pain wasn't the thing Harry wanted to write in his journal anymore, maybe love was a thing that he started to fear. Louis doesn't know. 

So he flips the page and after the ripped one there's more text.   

 _You're here_ , Louis reads at the top of the page and this is recent and Harry's handwriting has changed a little too. 

 _It is only once in a while that you see someone whose electricity and prescience matches yours at that moment. You were and will always be the only one, but we’re on different frequencies now and I can't handle it. I can't handle the simple fact that my view of the world changed because I don't have you next to me the way I had before. Everything changed_ _as well as my love for you. People don’t like love they like that flirty feeling. They don’t love_ _love_ _, love is sacrificial, love is ferocious, it’s not emotive. Most people don’t love_ _love_ _, they love the idea of love. They want the emotion without paying anything for it. They crave for it without even knowing the meaning. It’s ridiculous. So I don't want to make part of that group. I want to keep being the one I was when I called you mine. And I want to call you mine._  

There's nothing else. Louis wants to yell at Harry, this says nothing this just makes him feel more confused this... this is not what Louis pretended to feel when he said to himself that he was going to change for better and put on the side the past to focus on the present.  

He was so good at reading Harry, at understanding him. So he reads it again, then the previous one and then the recent again. 

 _I want to keep being the one I was when I called you mine. And I want to call you mine._  

Fuck. 

He was good at reading Harry because Harry had parts of him. Harry felt what Louis felt as well.  

He reads this text now and... that happens too.  

Louis knows that the love he felt for Harry is different now. That happened to Harry too. 

"You're not in love with me anymore." Louis speaks, not recognising his own voice.  

"Louis, please..." Harry whispers, he doesn't want to listen to this, that's why he couldn't talk about it to Louis.  

"You're not in love with me, you're in love with the idea of being in love with me." He continues, ignoring Harry. "You want to love me again the same way you did. You want everything back, you want those feelings back." Louis is looking at Harry, he is so focused on saying this, of making everything clear for him and for Harry. "Those feelings are still with you, you can't forget about them but you aren't using them well. Because time passed." 

"Please..." Harry repeats and he is not meeting Louis' gaze.  

"Things changed. The love you have inside you isn't enough to cover the pain." Louis sighs. He takes his hands to the pocket of his jeans and takes the folded paper from there, only to put it between the pages where a while ago was placed. "Things can't be the same. But they can be better." Louis whispers, still making sure Harry can hear them.  

He puts Harry's journal on the side and stands up. He finally stands up and walks towards Harry, crouching down straight away when he reaches his side. His hands travel from Harry's leg, to his arm and then to his face. He makes the younger guy look at him by his hand pressed against his cheek and with the available one he puts one lock of Harry's long hair behind his ear. Finally. 

Then Louis nods. 

"I understand."

 ~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » i wasn't expecting this chapter to go like this, it changes a little bit what i intended to, especially because this was something huge. so really important. what do you think about what louis said to harry? was that what harry tried to express when he wrote those texts? what do you think that it is their feelings now? and oay tell me your thoughts because they help me with next chapters.


	23. Leaving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » i wish you all a happy new year, i can't believe i don't update since last year *crowd boos* *leaves* i'm sorry  
> Anywayyyyyy , in the last chapter i dealt with a lot of people feeling confused with what happened, I KNOW it was awful and i don't know what i did there but there's an explanation along the text, i hope you understand now, something just ask now and i will answer :)
> 
> btw THIS IS HUGEEE

_He puts Harry's journal on the side and stands up. He finally stands up and walks towards Harry, crouching down straight away when he reaches his side. His hand travel from Harry's leg, to his arm and then to his face. He makes the younger guy look at him by his hand pressed against his cheek and with the available one he puts one lock of Harry's long hair behind his ear. Finally._

_Then Louis nods._   

 _"I understand."_   

Harry stares back at Louis, his lips a bit parted almost as if he is searching for something in Louis' face, Louis' eyes, Louis' touch, Louis' everything. Louis is smiling a little but Harry keeps with the blank expression, his cheeks getting warmer with Louis' gesture and it's been ages since this happened. Ages since these two shared such a tiny little space, where they could feel the other one breathing, could feel the other one alive.  

"You... You do?" Harry whispers, his voice hardly coming out but Louis understands. He could even understand just by reading his lips.  

Louis drops his hands from Harry's cheek, sliding in a way as if he was caressing his skin. Louis' gaze drops and he looks down, however his lips are still twisted into a smile. "Yes." He quietly answers, not sure if Harry hears it or not.  

And that's the moment everything hits Louis, so hard he even has difficulty to hold himself. This was something huge, what happened was something Louis never dared to even think about, to mention, to even think that I'd be a good idea to talk about with Harry. The precisely words weren't spoken, it was almost vague, filled with metaphors and words for Louis to decipher. But in times he was good with this, at reading Harry, so that's what happened now and Louis feels free again.   

Harry couldn't say it afraid of the consequences, afraid of the way it could come out but what Louis read made him understand that he and Harry are still in the same page of the same book, they were just ripped off and lost. But they were found out and now they need to be put on the same place so the book can make sense again, because they... they were the important part.   

Harry still has Louis kept in his heart and there's no way he can ever get out of there. There's wounds, like Louis has, but it doesn't mean they can't be cured. What Harry feels - and what Louis freaking feels as well - is something between having a crush on someone and saying I love to someone you truly want. He is not quite there because Harry is in love with the idea of being in love with Louis. He wants to love him, he wants to feel that beautiful feeling again, the warmness, the comfort, the relief of knowing that there's someone there to protect him, making him feel safe. That kept Harry alive for so many years, Harry lived for that feeling, lived for him and Louis only. His future was Louis, his present was Louis, everything was  _LouisLouisLouis._   

Harry knows he can't hurt Louis again. He can't and won't allow that to happen, it'd crash him, both. Louis won't let that happen too, he won't let himself break down again and fool himself that maybe he can have back the happiness he once won. That's why he - both, are afraid of trying again. This whole thing is complicated because they have this second chance to make everything even better, to make everything different so there's no room for mistakes.   

So the main point here is, the fact that Harry loved loving Louis makes him want to try again, makes him want to go back to have a relationship like before. But  _before_ wasn't healthy,  _before_ was dependence,  _before_ was irrationality...  _before_ was one. And Louis and Harry are two people, two people with different ideas, different thoughts, different minds and bodies. They can't throw this away and make the same mistake, they can't hurt each other and others. That's why Louis always said that things can't be like they were before, not because it was impossible, not because he thought they couldn't do it, but because they can be better. They can manage to build something better, yet with the same magic.   

So Louis almost feels like crying because he can understand this, it almost makes him have a headache but now he knows he isn't alone in this.   

He lets himself fall, in a way of giving up on his body this time and only to lay his head down above Harry's legs, once the curly haired lad had put them down and stretching them in front of his body. Harry almost takes it by surprise, especially when Louis hugs him by the waist at the same time he turns his head and keeps it rested on his thigh.    

"I didn't know if it was a good idea to talk about this but... we should have done it sooner." He speaks slowly, feeling the fabric from Harry's jeans on his cheek and Harry is still a bit tense with the sudden move but he is soon coming back to normal. Their breathing starts to come out in union, Harry places his hands to the side and Louis keeps his firmly around Harry's waist. He doesn't even think about how weird this is, how uncomfortable it can get to be laid down on the floor. But he doesn't care, dammit, this is happening.   

"Harry..." Louis whispers, after some minutes in silence. "We should try... we should try, please. Something better." he whimpers, he literally whimpers, holding back the emotions even though his eyes burn a little, which interfere with his throat.   

Harry sighs but Louis doesn't even dare to look up at his face, he even shuts his eyes tightly not to fall into temptation. Suddenly, he feels Harry's hands resting above his head, first just staying there, just to have a touch and tell Louis that he is  _there_. Then he starts playing with Louis' small and thin locks of hair, twisting them in his fingers, sinking them into his scalp, caressing his hair in such a tender way that Louis couldn't even feel this way when it was Zayn doing it, to comfort him.   

"Did you, in these past years..." There's a pause and Louis opens his eyes when hears Harry's voice. "Did you have someone else?" And silence again, because Louis can't even think of an answer. However, Harry doesn't stop touching his hair and Louis decides to tighten his grip around Harry's waist.   

But Harry waits for an answer and Louis eventually has to give him one.  

"I didn't." Louis answers softly. "I couldn’t." Harry nods even though he can't see him. "But, that doesn't mean that I... you know." he sighs and closes his eyes again.  

"I know." Harry stops moving his fingers but keeps his hand above his hair. His head falls back, resting it on the wall behind.  

"It was at college, it didn't mean... it didn't mean anything, I swear." His voice comes out so fragile and even sad. "Most of the times I was drunk and it was meant to prove something to myself. In a stupid way. But that's what I became, stupid. And lost."  

"Hey," Harry moves his fingers again, relaxing Louis a little bit. "you are still on time to find yourself. Nothing is lost forever."  

"I'm on my way to do that."  

"I can't be your medicine Louis." Louis stiffens in Harry's laps. "You were mine and that was toxic. You can do it alone. I could have done it alone but I knew I had you so I didn't even try it. That isn't good."  

"But you did it alone. I always told you that you were doing it alone." Louis tries to move and look up at Harry but the younger guy only puts his other hand above Louis' eyes, shaking.  

"You were lying. You knew you were doing most of it. I knew it too. But it's okay now, Louis. I'm still so grateful." He finishes saying the last words going from Louis' hair to the skin from his neck, brushing his thumb there, making Louis shiver. "And I'm going to be by your side, though. It doesn't mean... it doesn't mean I won't be." Louis sighs in relief and tries to nod his head.  

"And did you... have someone?" Harry laughs, not a loud and truthful laugh, but it's almost amusing.  

"I only kissed one person." He confesses then, his fingers massaging Louis' neck, whose expressions keeps getting relaxed.   

"Was it Niall?" Harry laughs again, this time quieter and it ends up with a sigh.  

"No, Louis." he answers softly then and Louis' shoulders relax. "I don't know who it was, I went out once with him though, and Stella too, on my birthday. They took me to this place and it was... you know a weird place." it's Louis' time to laugh a little, noticing how flushed Harry's is getting and how innocent he sounds. "But yeah... it didn't matter. I never really looked for someone, maybe that's why love never showed to me. I didn't want it." There's a pause. Harry's fingertips are no longer cold due the warmness of Louis' skin. "Did you ever kiss Zayn?" Harry asks suddenly and actually pretty naturally, as if the question was in the tip of his tongue waiting to be asked for so long. "I feel like... what you two have is something really..." he stops but quickly finishes. "precious."  

Louis could say a million things to try to change subject, to twist Harry's mind and his own words but... they need to be honest, don't they? They're only talking to each other, they're understanding what's going on so Louis needs to speak, can't hide anything. So he's direct.  

"I did kiss him. Once." He confesses and he is sure Harry just nods and when he gives a quick glance up at him, he sees Harry pressing his lips tightly together and looking forward even though he keeps with the sweet gestures in Louis' skin. "It was... It was in the New Year's party after our conversation." He whispers, wishing he would never need to say this words, because he knows, he knows what Harry is going to think and say next.  

"Oh."  

"I'm sorry," he hugs Harry again by his waist and fuck, should he think now that this is weird? The fact that they've been talking such things in this position, with Harry caressing Louis' nape, just touching him, while Louis feels his eyes wet while his face his rested on his thigh, it should be weird.  _It_   _should_. But there's so much happening that Louis can't care about it. "I know, I know what you're thinking and I swear he was the only person I kissed because I knew...I knew how you always wanted to have that new year's kiss with me," he sinks his face on Harry's fabric. "and I wanted that too, so badly. Since ever. I swear, even before thinking about loving you the way I did, I thought about it. I'm sorry I ruined this for us, but... Was that," he whimpers, cleaning his face on Harry's shirt, Harry is shocked feeling the wetness of Louis' tears. "Was that ever going to happen? Will that ever happen? I don't think... I don't know, I'm so sorry, I -"  

"Hey baby," Harry calls him softly and his tone of voice, so sweet, so calm and he calls him  _baby_ , Harry calls Louis baby, not mate, not just Louis, but baby and there's this tenderness in his voice that Louis recognises but at the same time is like watching one of those homemade videos where Harry's voice is still so little and just like a teenager should sound. It feels nostalgic. "It's okay... it's..." he sighs while Louis tries to keep his sobs quiet. He starts pushing Louis' fringe away from his forehead and tries his best to wipe Louis' small tears away. "Don't cry."   

"I don't even know why I am crying." Louis leans over to the touch of Harry's fingers and takes a deep breathe. "I started hating crying so much."  

"No one likes to cry, Louis." Harry caresses his temples. "But it's good crying."  

"Not always."  

"It is. Was there any time that you started feeling worse after crying? Isn't it the otherwise?" Louis takes some time and thinks. He wipes his face on Harry's jeans one more time and then grabs the end of his shirt tightly, sniffling.   

"It is." He hoarsely answers and Harry softly taps his head this time. They fall into silence and Louis takes that time to think, blankly staring again at one precisely point, waiting for his eyes to heal and himself to process this episode. He isn't even sure what is happening but he will handle it. Harry is here, he will definitely handle it.   

He doesn't know how many time it passes, he doesn't even care about calling Zayn anymore, he doesn't even feel like moving but somehow he yawns, making his eyes watering a bit again and that's Harry's cue to react.  

"You're sleepy."  

"No," Louis doesn't even recognise his voice. "Just... comfy."  

"You're laid down on the floor, Louis." Harry laughs. "And my bum hurts." And it's Louis' turn to laugh. "You must be tired with the trip and everything." Louis only hums and keeps with his position on Harry's lap. "To the bed we go then."  

"No!" he protest, now extending the word even though his voice sounds weak and almost like a kid.  

"Yes!" Harry mimics his tone and Louis doesn't understand, but he never really did when these kind of things happened, but somehow Harry manages to move, making Louis drop his head from his lap, however he also manages to get Louis' in his arms to carry him. And isn't he strong? Louis didn't need to know that Harry is actually able to hold Louis in bridal style, up from the floor only with the strength of his legs.  

Louis literally groans when Harry gets him in his arms and starts walking. He doesn't even get time to put his arms around Harry's neck - but he feels the muscles from his chest and shoulders pressed against his body and that's just too much - because they soon reach the mattress and Harry drops in his knees to lay Louis down on the side of the bed he slept the last time he stayed over.  

"Harry..." Louis pouts, he isn't too award of his actions anymore, he feels like he is floating, all of this events have made him hit his limit and he was so comfy previously otherwise it'd look like.  

"Louis..." Harry says back, a small smile appearing in his lips and Louis really wants to giggle and maybe he is even blushing but he just watches the beautiful boy, whose face is just above his. "You good?" He asks and Louis only nods. "Want me to get your pyjamas?" Louis shakes his head this time. "Are you going to sleep like this?" Louis bites his bottom lip. "I'm not going to undress you babe." Harry laughs and Louis sighs in defeat. Harry shakes his head, still with a grin playing on his lips and then leans over to press a kiss on Louis' nose. He keeps smiling when pulls away. He needs to keep smiling, especially when he looks deeply into Louis' blue eyes. It's just a shame that the room is just illuminated by the Christmas lights Harry has. "I'm going to get ready to sleep, okay?"  

"Okay." Louis mutters.   

Harry pulls away and gets up from bed, pulling over the blankets to cover Louis and then goes undress his clothes and dress his own pyjamas. Louis is subtle, after everything Louis can still be subtle but he watches how Harry's muscles flex with the way he pulls his shirt out from his back, how his arms look like when he unbuttons his jeans and he also admires Harry's tattoo. Harry's tattoo for Louis. He gives with himself smiling a bit with the memory, from not that long ago.   

Harry walks back to the mattress, laying down right next to Louis. "Do you think you'll be able to sleep?"  

"Will you be here?" Louis asks in a tiny, tiny whisper.  

"Of course."  

"Then yes." He answers and he hopes he is right. He really does.  

Harry turns his face to Louis, just to have one last look at him and the older guy truly tries his best not to look back, his eyes too tired to even do that. Harry looks away and rolls over to face his back to Louis and also covering himself better with the blankets.  

"Good night, Lou." He says and Louis' lips move to say the same two words but no sound comes out, making him giving up. "And yes." he says and Louis frowns even though being as sleepy as he is. "Yes we should try. Something better." He finishes and Louis can't speak, this time not only because he is too sleepy, but also because there's no words left. So maybe he stays awake for a little bit more time than he should, the silence making him company but he eventually falls asleep and maybe he has a good dream. He doesn't know, because it's like he didn't dream about anything, which it isn't bad itself. 

~*~ 

Next day Louis wakes and he might panic a little, not only because he is in a much different bed he has been waking up in lately but also because he is alone. And it is Tuesday. He has work.  

He quickly sits up on the mattress and looks around, his heart is beating so fast in his chest, he feels dizzy and so confused that it's even hard to keep his eyes fixed in one place only. He notices he still has his clothes from yesterday, he has sleep in his eyes and his hair is bothering him too much. It must be a mess. 

He crawls to the floor, out of the supposed bed and walks to the kitchen's area. He sees a cup of coffee and a yellow note on the counter at the side. 

 _It must be cold by now, just put on the microwave. I went for a run, get comfy or just go back to sleep because you looked very pretty. -H_  

Louis has time to smile a little with the message, however he gets his phone from his jacket still rested on the couch to check the time. He has two missed class from Zayn but he doesn't even sees that, it's almost a quarter past eight, he is fucked. He shoves it back and then puts the coffee heating up on the microwave as Harry said, meanwhile he gets a pen and writes on the same note Harry has left for him. 

 _I had to go to work, thank you for everything, we will see each other very soon.x_  

He doesn't even think if it sounds right but he has no time to think about that. He goes to the bathroom, pees, washes his face, fixes his hair and even puts a bit of toothpaste in his teeth, too in a hurry to get his toothbrush. He gets back to the kitchen, drinks his coffee while trying to put on his shoes without the help of his hands, resulting in a disaster, really. 

When he finishes, he puts the mug on the sink, dresses his jacket and gets his suitcase. Now the big problem, how is he supposed to get to work if there's no way he can know if a bus is stopping near here and he has no money with him at the moment? He is running down the stairs, the suitcase hitting hard each step he takes and he honestly doesn't know what he is going to do.  

Harry should have remembered that he had to go to work the next day, he should have brought his car, Zayn should have picked the god damn phone and... and...  _fuck_. He can't skip work and maybe he is too stubborn to call Zayn and ask him to pick him up from Harry's. Would he come anyway? Would he pick up the phone this time even after calling Louis an hour ago? 

"Hey, mate!" Louis quickly turns his eyes to the elevator area after he reaches the first floor. And maybe it's Ed who speaks to him but Louis only sees an angel. An angel with ginger hair, but that's just an insignificant detail. 

"Hi, Ed." He tries to act naturally, as if he is not breathing heavily after running down the stairs with a suitcase behind him, as if his eyes don't show his anxiety and as if his hair is looking like that because he decided to brush it that way. 

"You good?" He raises his eyebrow looking at the blue eyed guy. "You look like a runway." Ed looks over at his suitcase and observes better his face. "Did you just rob Harry?" Louis would laugh but now he nods. He is nodding like a fucking idiot, which only makes Ed laughing loudly. "Okay, I won't tell him. I'm going to have a class now so I have no time to worry about that." Louis finds himself laughing as well but then he decides to speak. 

"Sorry man, this is going to sound so inconvenient but, well... I have a problem." He holds tighter his bag in his hand. 

"Oh, I love problems. Always loved problems." Ed jokes, clearly being ironic. 

"Who doesn't, right?" Louis chuckles. "But, yeah, I have to go to work and Harry decided to be healthy so he went for a run, so in conclusion I have no way to get that. And I'm getting late." He sighs. 

"You want a ride then?"  

"Erm, if it's not, like, a bother?" He says carefully but Ed only smiles. 

"Sure, man." He says and starts walking outside, making signal for Louis to follow him. He doesn't even have time to thank the ginger guy because they quickly reach their car and then he speaks.  "Hey, about Harry's key -" 

"Oh, I have it on my wallet I'm glad you remembered!" 

"No, no..." Ed interrupts him with a brief laugh. "That's not... hum, you can keep it." Louis stops rummaging in his bag for his wallet to quickly look at the guy with his hands on the wheel.  

"What? No." He furrows his eyebrows but Ed kind of ignores him, while turning on his car. 

"Yes. You're a good guy and... you know him better than everyone else he hangs out with. He trusts you better than he trusts everyone else he has been talking for the past years. I think it'd be more practical for you to have it." Louis sits straight on the seat and looks carefully at the ginger guy. 

"I can't keep it. That key is yours, Harry gave it to you, you need it and he wants you to have it. He didn't give it to me, I'm new in his life and -" 

"New?" Ed laughs and Louis should feel offended by the way he is laughing at him, but the guy's appearance doesn't let him. "If you're new in his life then why does he talk about you since the first day I entered in his flat and saw that one picture in his wall of a young guy, with blue eyes and that'd make Harry match his wide smile, just by him looking at it? You're not new in his life, otherwise you wouldn't be leaving his flat at eight in the morning, after taking him to god knows where for three days. Yes, I noticed." He finishes and Louis isn't even able to look at him in the eyes. What colour is Ed's eyes? He will never know, he will never know. 

"I can't keep it." Louis ends up saying, looking down at his knees. He hears Ed starting the car after leaving a sigh escaping his lips. Harry could even get mad with Louis for having his key and he doesn't only thinks this way just by the way he reacted when Louis opened the door from his flat that day Harry didn't open the door for him. It's a big step and Louis already thinks things are going so far and quickly. He needs a break, he needs to go slower or he'll get hit by the bus. 

Eventually, Louis tells Ed he is a teacher and indicates him the school he needs to take him to. Ed probably doesn't notice how Louis keeps searching for his wallet in the bag and then takes the key from the little zipper – definitely ignoring the picture he still saves there of him and Harry kissing. He keeps it in his hand, clenching his fit till it leaves the mark in the palm of his hand. 

Ed stops his car in front of the school, not too long after the bell rang for the first period. "Thank you very much, you saved my day." Louis says, smiling the best he can. Ed smiles back and then nods. 

"It's okay. I wasn't in a hurry anyway and I like you, mate." 

"I like you too." Louis laughs. "Except your cat. I don’t like your cat." 

"No one does." Poor cat. 

"I'm going then. Here." He says dropping the key from Harry's flat on the little storage space underneath the radio. 

"All right." Ed nods as if accepting his decision. "If you need anything, you know where I live." 

"Thanks. Have a good day." Louis smiles and leaves the car with everything that is his with him. That's when begins. 

He runs, meeting some students on the way that probably overslept and now are in the same circumstances as him and this time he can't even argue with them. 

~*~ 

"Louis!" Louis hears calling from him while walks along the hallway back to his room, after the morning classes have finished. He doesn’t look back, he tightly grabs his book in his hand, by the side of his body and keeps walking. "Louis." Zayn calls him again but he is quick getting inside of his cabinet - he likes to call it that even though there's more teachers sharing it and he has a tiny space with an empty table. "Didn't you hear me calling you?" Zayn gets in anyway and Louis drops his book on the table, sitting there next to his suitcase spotted on the floor. 

"Zayn," He tries to sound normal. Failing a bit. "no I didn't, I'm sorry." 

"Yes you did you asshole." He rolls his eyes and leans over Louis' desk, crossing his arms against his chest. He looks good, he looks so much better than when Louis had remembered. Everything that happened almost made him forget that he actually missed Zayn a bit, but it's kind of an insult seeing him looking hotter since the last time. He has a messy tie hanging around his neck, the first button from his white shirt is undone, his sleeves are up till his elbows revealing a few tattoos he has on his wrist and arm and his hair is done in a messy quiff that honestly Louis would only use it that way at home after a long day, but Zayn still looks amazing to walk on the catwalk. Louis also rolls his eyes but it's only by the vision. He is surrounded by hot people he can't bang. 

"I'm good, what about you? Long-time no seeing you." Louis smiles and Zayn knows that smile, Zayn knows that smile too well. 

"Hey, I'm sorry, can I explain?" 

"What about you?" He repeats, his smile not losing form. Louis can't believe he is this good. 

Zayn sighs in defeat, he needs to do this in Louis' way. "I'm good."  

"Good." Louis answers, nodding and smiling, that stupid fake smile. Then he only looks down and gets his book and papers to get ready for the next class, even though he is in lunch break. 

"Little one..." Zayn gets closer from Louis' chair and crouches down, holding himself by the tip of his toes.  

"Don't call me that." Louis says way too brutally and then notices it, biting his bottom lip. "Don't call me that... here." He corrects himself, now his tone softer. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, not only for that but for yesterday. I knew you were coming home but I..." He sighs. "And I didn't answer your calls. It wasn't on purpose, I swear, just -" 

"Where were you?" Louis asks, interrupting his friend. Zayn looks a bit surprised at him, which okay, Louis understands why, but he still raises his eyebrows and asks again. "Where?" 

"I was with Liam." Louis furrows his eyebrows. "We were hanging out." 

"For that long? And you couldn't even pick the phone?" Zayn opens his mouth then shuts it. 

"I know... I could," Zayn looks down and then stands up. "I was just distracted, it's no excuse I know... but yeah." 

"Were you out on a bar? You both don't do that when you have work the next day. You only called me at half past seven, was that when it hit you that maybe I needed to get home and a ride for work?" 

"No, shit," Zayn says frustrated and then passes his fingers through his hair. "I was at his place, just hanging out. We drank too much wine perhaps and I ended up staying at his place." Louis can't really believe what he is listening to, it's just bizarre. It's almost as if Zayn forgot about him, Zayn never forgets about him. Apart from that day when he left with Stella, Louis should have stayed mad but he didn't, but this time he doesn’t even know. This isn't Zayn, Zayn doesn't do that, Zayn doesn't disappoint him but lately, after he got to know that he told everything at Liam, he doesn't know anymore. 

"Right," He nods. "I don't even want to know anything else." He says, as calm as possible. 

"Louis," 

"It's fine. It's okay." He takes a deep breathe but then looks up with a small smile on his lips. "You don't need to explain to me what you do or you don't do." Why is he even saying this? "Different lives, remember?" He smiles wider, not with his eyes though, his eyes look blankly at Zayn but his smile covers that up. 

"Hey..." Zayn tries to speak and get closer to Louis again, but he doesn't allow that to happen. He doesn't need Zayn to see that this just crashed him down a bit, he doesn't need to have Zayn trying to read his thoughts and help him with something he doesn't even need to get bothered with. 

"Stop. Don't try to make this." He says calmly, not looking at Zayn. "I said it's fine. Just don't forget about me at the end of the day." He reminds the dark haired guy. 

There's silence for some seconds but Zayn speaks afterwards. "Okay. I'm sorry." Louis nods. "How did you get here? Did you spend well the night?" 

"Harry's neighbour brought me here, since Harry went for a run. And yes, I did spend well the night." He tries his best to keep his tone normal and he really needs to look okay, he needs to look, sound and seem like what he says is the truth. He needs to be good to himself and somehow he knows if he tries to pressure Zayn to say stuff, to make him tell him what he has been doing, almost controlling every step he takes like it had been the last few years, he will feel guilty. He will feel guilty to keep depending on Zayn, to keep thinking that Zayn is a forever, that Zayn owns him everything, even what he does in his life... He will feel guilty to keep doing things the wrong way. 

"Good. Are we good?"  

"We are." Louis nods and rests his hand on Zayn's wrists friendly but is quick to pull away.  

"Good." Zayn repeats, then he walks to his own desk, next to Louis'. 

Louis reaches for his phone and sees two messages from Harry, he doesn't really wants to admit that he was expecting it. 

 _I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT THAT YOU HAD WORK TODAY, I'M SORRY._  

 _Ed sent me a message telling me he gave you a drive, I can't believe it had to be him doing that instead of me._  

Louis shakes his head but types an answer. _All good, I reached on time and I don't blame you for not knowing my schedule LIKE I KNOW YOURS. Kidding. What about having lunch together so I can forgive you?x_  

The answer comes quicker than he thought. _I might be on my way to pick you up already._  

Louis can't stop but smile when reads it and doesn't waste time to get his stuff done, not worrying about bringing anything besides his coat, since he has no money with him - he will have to pay for the meal later to Harry -, to walk away from the room.  

"Where are you going?" Zayn asks noticing Louis walking out. 

"Having lunch with Harry." 

"Oh. I thought we were going together with Liam. As usual, you know?" Fuck. 

"Yes, erm... Sorry I don't really want to ruin this routine and left you guys but -" 

"It's okay." Zayn smiles and it actually seems genuine. Louis doesn't understand. "Go on. Have fun, I'm happy that you two are okay now." Louis nods smiling back. 

"I am too." 

~*~ 

Two weeks pass by and Louis doesn't quite understand his life. It's weird, he doesn't know how to feel, he doesn't know how he manages to sleep, he doesn't know how he manages to just walk out from his flat for work and back there feeling okay. Normal. Happy. 

He has been the most tolerate person with Zayn ever. He talks with him like he talked before he left to Doncaster. He shows him that he is fine, that they are fine. He has been eating lunch with Harry after work and if it's not with him he just goes to his coffee shop visiting him, with Zayn and Liam. It's always good in the middle of the day see Harry, see his eyes, see his smile, see what he does when usually Louis is at work.  

It's good, it's warm and Louis is okay with this whole thing. He likes to believe he is doing things right. He likes to think that he is putting himself first, because he can finally care about himself without needing the others to care about him in the first place. He needs them, yes, but he also needs himself. He needs to be his own medicine. 

He calls his mother more often as well, the weather doesn't bother him, classes go just fine, he has been talking with Johnathan after class almost every day, he is enjoying again what he is doing, he is enjoying his flat a little bit more because he has been going to look out from the window not only when he needs to smoke and he has also stop sleeping on the couch. He still doesn't like his room, much less his bed. He still doesn't like to feel alone, he can't be alone in the flat, or in the streets. He always tries to have someone next to him. It's mostly Harry, especially when somehow he decides to go almost every day pick him up from work. But that's an excuse because at the end Harry goes back to his flat in his own car, as well as Louis goes back to Zayn in his own car as well.  

He just goes there to pick Harry for a walk on the cold street, he might see Niall too often as well but he sticks up for a wave, however Niall always smiles at him before turning back to give attention to Stella or his guitar. 

It's Sunday morning and Louis isn't hangover and soon is around the afternoon and he isn't sleeping, neither sat on the couch watching TV with Zayn. They had lunch at home - Liam was there somehow -, Louis tried to cook something, which only ended up with them ordering Chinese take away and then he finished some work for school, since while Zayn did it in the morning, Louis went doing some grocery with Delilah. Surprising, he knows, but it's good, it's good dealing with new people and she's from the same building and Louis always liked the way she looked and the way she smiled and said good morning to everyone, the way Louis didn't do but wanted to. He saw Liam on the way, probably to make Zayn some company, or maybe they're like high school students, who like to do work together. So that's why he crashed there for a while, till going back home before Louis could even finish work. 

"We haven't had a time only for us, in a while..." Zayn says when Louis appears in the kitchen, if Zayn looked at him he'd ask why he is dressed in such way and not with his sweatpants and hoodie. "Maybe we could hang out today. I miss our old times." 

Louis looks over at him, Zayn has his feet under the coffee table while watching some documentary about sharks. Louis would say he is talking at the TV. 

"Today?" 

"Yes. Why not?" But then Zayn finally looks away from the screen to look at Louis. 

"Erm, yes, okay but I'm going out with Harry now." Zayn raises his eyebrow because, yes, he didn't know about that. 

"Oh, leave it then. We can go another time." He turns around to the screen again. 

"Nonsense." Louis says and walks over towards his friend. "It's just till the end of the day. We can hang out when I come back. Maybe even have dinner out and go watch a movie. Or just have a marvel marathon again like we used to." 

"Can we cuddle?" Zayn asks, hope filling his eyes. 

"We sure can, so get ready." Louis smiles. 

"That sounds good. Have fun with Harry, text me when you think you'll be back soon." Louis nods and walks over again. 

"Okay, love." He hears Zayn laughing and it's an amazing sound, not only because it's Zayn but because Louis did it. Louis made Zayn let out that sound, which is so much better than listening to Zayn shouting at him from worry when he is crouched down in front of a toilet with tears in his eyes. 

~*~ 

"Where are we going?" Louis asks looking at the side, to Harry's profile. His eyes are focused forward but Louis sees a dimple forming up on his cheek just by hearing the sound of Louis' voice. 

"Thought you would never ask." Harry jokes, right in time when they stop on a traffic light. He joins his hands together, rubbing them in each other. "We're going to the aquarium." Louis, who previously was laughing, stops and carefully looks at Harry. The green eyed boy is looking back at him, his look and smile soft and warm. 

"The aquarium?" He says but only to hear the word out loud from him and...  _remember_.  

"Yes, seems good to you?" Harry says and Louis can't almost understand why his tone is so neutral to the subject. 

"Yes..." he says slowly. The light turns green, making Harry drive away, but Louis composes himself and feels the need to repeat in a more steady voice. "Yes." Harry keeps smiling looking at the road and Louis is no one to keep looking at him, but he does it anyway.  

They reach the park that goes to the aquarium itself and Louis can't even say a word, neither ask himself, much less Harry, the reason why he'd bring him here like this. He literally just texted Louis asking him if he wanted to hang out because he was a bit bored and it'd be a waste stay at home in such a sunny day, which is so unusual. Louis accepted because till there he didn't know anything better to do.  

He wonders if he is trying too hard, if they are trying too hard since none of them have touched the subject about  _trying something better_. Louis feels like talking about it but he doesn't know what to say, he just feels like mentioning waiting for something Harry has to say because he likes the subject, it gives him hope and makes him feel all warm on the inside. He doesn't know what to feel, what to think so maybe that's why he doesn't know what to say and keeps quiet. 

His soul is so out of his body that he doesn't even notices what is happening when they get in the building and Harry pays for their tickets. 

"Hey!" Louis protests, waking up. "I have money this time. I can pay."  Harry ignores and walks forward, to the inside. "I'm talking to you, Styles." Louis says loudly quickly walking towards Harry, farther away from him. 

"I'm listening, _Tomlinson_. Now come on." He raises his arms and calls from him, not really looking back and keeping walking inside. 

"Let me pay." Louis stops and he almost looks and sounds like a kid, he even hits his foot on the ground. 

Harry stops and Louis sees his shoulders going up and down slowly, meaning he takes a deep breathe. He turns around, a smirk playing on his face and then he walks towards Louis. The smaller man gives a step behind and looks surprise by the way Harry quickly reaches for him, more specifically for his hand. 

"Aren't these type of discussions only meant to be done when people are on dates?" Harry asks and he doesn't wait for an answer, he doesn't want an answer. He keeps Louis' hand in his and drags him to the inside in a quick step. Louis eyes only keep wide looking at his broad back, his curls moving from the back of his head and okay.  _Okay_. 

It gets calmer. It gets really calmer, they walk around the aquarium and Louis is too fascinated with the vision of what's around and above him. It's so blue, so pretty and it makes him feel like he is really underwater. He is free, he is in peace, it's quiet and relaxing and he is just hanging around with no worries now, his mind cleaned and it makes him forget that there's actual people around him.  

Harry keeps always by his side though, his camera hanging around his neck he is busy taking pictures but he doesn't really forget about Louis. Neither does Louis forgets about him. He keeps looking back making sure Harry is there and he just doesn't notice the way Harry always looks at him after snapping a picture. 

"Louis!" He hears Harry's voice while he is looking at the weird fishes, feeling too overwhelmed to read the name of them but knowing if he did he wouldn't be able to pronounce it anyway. Louis looks around to meet his gaze, his lips twist into a smile just to see the way how beautiful Harry looks with the blue reflecting on his face, contrasting with the dark of the background. The same moment that happens, Harry puts his camera in front of his eyes and snaps a picture of Louis.  

Louis' eyes go wide,  _no, no, no, no_. "No," He walks towards Harry trying to stop him to look at the picture he just took and with the aim of getting the camera and delete it. "give me that, give me!" he says a bit loudly when Harry steps away when Louis tries to grab him. Harry holds the camera with one hand and pushes Louis away gently with the other. 

"Stop it." Harry chuckles, but really, Louis doesn't feel like laughing now. 

"Harry, let me delete it." 

"No." Harry frowns, still with a half-smile on his lips. "What's wrong with you?" 

"Nothing." Louis looks down, realising what he is doing. "Let me just... delete it. Don't look at it." He sounds like an idiot but this is kind of a desperate situation. Harry doesn’t answer and Louis, confused due the silence, looks up and sees Harry looking at the screen from his camera. "Harry..." 

"You look..." Harry starts, not taking his eyes off from the picture. "I thought your eyes looked good with this blue." he says and Louis notices the way his voice changed from before. He dares to walk closer from the taller guy. "So I wanted to..." He stops and Louis is sure he was going to apologise, but he looks up at him and Louis almost panics because what is happening? He feels an overwhelming in his belly, he feels like he is falling over an abyss, or maybe is kind of that feeling he almost falls from the chair or misses a step on the stairs but instead of being for just a moment, it doesn't stop. What did Harry see in the picture? Did he see what Louis feared him to see or did he saw something else and maybe he felt disappointed... or relief. Relief is no good. Disappointment makes Louis confused. "Louis... I can't want you more than I do right now. It will kill me." 

Louis gulps in dry, he needs to drink water, his lips part and his eyes get a bit wide. He feels a familiar feeling in his throat and he wants to move, he wants to take a step forward, but he doesn't want this to happen now.  

Louis wants to tell him  _no, stop_  and that Harry doesn't really want him that much, he doesn't want him that way and he still can handle it well but he can't really find the courage to say that.  

"But I'll want you so much more," he continues and Louis wants to run away. However, he also wants to keep listening to him. "and neither you and I will be able to stop that." he gets one step closer from Louis and puts his hand above his cheek. "And I'm kind of glad of it." 

"You will be killed..." 

"You will be there for me." Harry answers easily and maybe is the way it comes out perfectly that makes Louis shiver. 

Louis wakes up from reality when Harry only keeps his hand there looking at him in fond and that's enough. That's definitely enough for Louis.  "All right, let's keep going." Louis pulls away and starts walking immediately, Harry smiles from behind but follows him proudly.  

~*~ 

Louis doesn't know how it happened, but somehow Harry also takes him for dinner since they spent so much time inside the aquarium. Louis kind of feels it like a déjà vu when Harry stops the car inside of an Italian restaurant. He wants to punch him, then Harry makes him realise that he knows what he is doing because he mentions the day Louis took him on a date in a posh Italian restaurant when they travelled to Liverpool, where he spent almost all his money, so Louis wants to kill him. But the different from today and the day years ago is that this time they don’t drink pepsi, they actually drink the best wine from there. The alcohol makes it all easy for Harry so Louis let him live, also add more details about their first date and how he almost died by how full he was after the dessert, so basically Louis likes to see this day as a reunion. Two old best friends joined to remember the old times. 

So Harry brings Louis home again, and maybe he is a bit too dizzy and it's a little too late but his head is in the clouds. 

"Thank you so much for tonight." Louis says, prolonging the 'o' from the word  _so_.  

"My pleasure." Harry answers and Louis smiles at him, not only because of the words exchanged, but also because Harry's cheeks look way too red and his eyes way too bright. 

"Thank you." Louis repeats, now slower and his voice husky but tender. 

"You're welcome." Harry answers the same way, none of them take their eyes off from each other and Louis nods.  

"Goodbye." it's Harry's time to nod, however he shakes his head next and before Louis can open the door fully he speaks. 

"I want to finish filling all the blank spaces." Louis stops and looks at a specific dark spot from Harry's car. "Thank you for reminding me about that." Louis raises his head and looks one last time at the curly haired lad. He can only smile and nod again, there aren’t words to actually say something that fits here.  

So going to the aquarium, check. And that can only make Louis happy. 

"Have a good night." Louis says before opening the car and leave. Harry probably says something else but he doesn't understand.  

He walks to the building, calls for the elevator and gets in to go to his floor. He takes his keys from the pocket of his jeans and opens the door. He walks to the kitchen where he sees the light from the TV screen illuminating the space. When he gets in he sees Zayn smoking besides the opened window, the TV forgotten and being replaced by the sky. 

 _Fuck._  

Louis is actually glad that he has alcohol in his blood right now. "Zayn?" He calls for his friend. The dark haired man doesn't react to the sound of his voice, he only keeps smoking his cigarette. "I know, man... I'm sorry. I didn't want to do this but I forgot. It makes me sound like an asshole, I know." He admits trying to have some kind of reaction from the other guy. 

Zayn sinks the cigarette on the ashtray slowly and it almost makes Louis nervous. "You always saw me as him." Louis heart falls and hits the floor and when Louis takes a step back, he smashes it with his feet. 

"What?" 

"You wanted him so you used me as your best friend." 

"Stop right there." He says loudly, unlike Zayn, whose voice is actually making Louis want to puke. Zayn finally meets Louis' eyes, he almost looks calm but Louis knows that's Zayn's way of dealing with him. He knows he will change and he'll go to the next method but Louis doesn't want to, doesn't need that.  

"You need to know what you've been doing and what I always hid from you." 

"Like you hid from me that you told everything to Liam?" Louis covers his lips with his hands, he didn't want to say this. He didn't want to reveal this this way. Zayn should have been the one telling him this. 

Zayn doesn’t even react to his words, he doesn't look surprised, doesn't even look guilty. He keeps with the same expression he first had when looked at Louis. "I did it to help you." Louis wants to laugh, he really does. "Everything I do is to help you." 

"Even when you forgot about me when we all hung out and you went with Stella or the when I came back from Doncaster and you were with Liam? Was that to help me?" 

"Do you realise that you're attacking me with that and forgetting about everything I've done for you..." Louis opens his mouth in shock. 

"Fuck you. I don't want to listen to this." Louis shakes his head and turns around. 

"You need to listen to this, Louis." Zayn keeps talking calmly and that's what pisses Louis off the most, Zayn knows what he is doing and Louis hates this. He wants to shout but he bites his bottom lip hard to prevent that to happen. "Louis." Zayn calls him and then he feels a hand grabbing his writs, stopping him to walk away then Zayn is pressing him against the wall close from him. 

"No." Louis shouts in his face. "I'm tired of you treating me like this. You won't do this anymore." He tries to release himself from Zayn but he was always stronger, he always knew how and when he should do this. Zayn knows he hit something Louis doesn't like but needs to listen to and he knows how to deal with it. 

"Can you even imagine how you make me feel Louis? Think about that, for once, try to think about how other people feel." He talks louder close to Louis. The blue eyed guy shuts his eyes, he can't. He can't and he doesn't want to try thinking about how Zayn is feeling. "You found him and you fucking forgot about me." 

"No." Louis shouts and starts moving his body, his eyes getting wet by how frustrated he is feeling but it only makes Zayn grabbing his two wrists.  

"Yes, Louis. I always knew you just wanted to replace him and you used me. But I always acted okay with that. But I don't want you to push me away." 

"I don't. I won't. I can't do that, I'm doing this right, it's not only me and him. I can't do that again." 

"You're forgetting about me, Louis." Louis shakes his head, clenching his jaw and Zayn looks at him sadly. "You always saw him instead of me. That's why you kissed me in the new year's party, that's why you called me Harry after those nightmares." 

"No, Zayn, please..." Louis is actually giving up on releasing himself. 

"That's why you always made me do with you the things you used to do with him. That's why when we fight you never apologised first, because it wasn't worth it for you. That fucking hurt Louis, that fucking hurts." Zayn's voice breaks and fuck no, this isn't happening, Louis can't let this happen. Zayn is even losing his strength and Louis doesn't want to see the way Zayn is looking at him, the way his eyes look like. Zayn never cries. 

Louis sees his opportunity when Zayn loses his grip on his wrist to push him away from him and release himself. Zayn loses his balance and walks some steps behind, however when Louis looks at him he sees him with his arm above his eyes.  

"Stop this." Louis shouts. "You can't say this to me. I don't... You're Zayn, I know you're Zayn." 

"But you always wished I was him," he cries and when he drops his arm to the side Louis sees the small tears falling from his eyes, a thing that Louis never really witnesses. "and that never made you see how much I'd do for you, how much I wished you could be okay every time I'd hear you crying in the middle of the night, or see you getting drunk and losing yourself. He came now and suddenly you're all full of life. I'm so grateful for it but he just did that. He appeared and I did everything but never had that chance to feel like I actually helped you. That you actually got better. He was the one guilty for the way you were and the reason why I was trying to fix you." Zayn sniffs and cleans his face with the sleeves of his shirt. "You wouldn't hear me because at the end of the day you would see my eyes instead of the green ones you wished you could see. I would hug you, I would give you words to hold you, but you wished for his kisses and I'm sorry that I could never give you that. I tried to remind you that I was Zayn... but you wanted me to pretend I was someone I wasn't." 

Louis paralyses. Louis' all world and body freezes. His tears stop falling from his eyes and the colour of his eyes gets darker, almost black. He stops breathing for some seconds, literally, too in shock to actually react to something. He is having a panic attack but he is in silence, he is keeping it down and inside of himself because now it's all too fresh, all too soon, all too dark. He doesn't want it to get darker. 

"Leave." He speaks, emotionless. 

"No." 

"Leave. Now." Zayn shakes his head. "If you don't leave, I will." it pains his heart to even say it. "That will be worse." 

"Worse for who?" Louis looks at Zayn, his eyes transmitting a challenge, being daring. Louis doesn't speak but Zayn gets the answer.  

The dark haired guy presses his lips together, he grabs his jacket from the couch and leaves the kitchen. Louis keeps stood up looking at the floor where only the light from the TV hitting it tells him that there's still life out there, he is still breathing. A few minutes later he hears the front door being shut and he falls. 

Louis has trouble breathing but he doesn't deserve anyone to help him now. He needs to do it in his own. Even though Zayn left - left with bags with him - he did it for Louis. It'd be worse for Louis, he knew that. It'd always be worse for Louis, whatever the situation would be. Leaving is such a strong word for him. Louis can't leave anyone, but he can handle someone leaving him because he handled with it before. He couldn’t leave someone knowing the pain he'd cause. He felt it already. He'd be selfish. 

 

 ~*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » so zouis is mad at each other, i hope you don't hate zayn now, he doesn't deserve your hate, he is good and he isn't a bad character, he wants the best for Louis and he isn't jealous (maybe a bit you see) but he only wants to wake Louis up and he knows how he is dealing with him and he says what louis needs to say , the kind of relationship louis and harry didn't have. Louis needs Zayn, Zayn tries to make Louis need him in a healthy way, but sometimes it doesn't work.
> 
> questions
> 
> what do you think Harry saw in the picture he took from Louis? And what do you think it made Louis so afraid of him seeing it?


	24. Answer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Beautiful Pain - Eminem ft Sia 
> 
> You don't know how lucky you are - Keaton Henson
> 
> Honest - Kodaline 
> 
> » i've been taking so long to update it's frustrating but heyyyyyy long chapter to compensate it.
> 
> ~*~

Louis has been waking up every day at 6am so he can get ready on time to get the bus and go to work, he has been eating left overs and ordering take away too much, he has been watching TV alone and falling asleep in the same couch with the same silence he got used to and not really waking up in the middle of night, because no one was there to wake him up. So he got stuck in his nightmares. 

It fucks him up honestly, everything fucks him up. The house smells like cigarette all the time because he doesn’t even goes by the window to smoke anymore, he doesn’t do his laundry often, he gets home and the only thing he feels like doing is sleeping because at least he won’t be alone in his dreams. For not too long. 

It’s sounds crazy but it’s been almost more than a month that he doesn’t speak with Zayn, making him absent from the flat obviously, which means Louis paid the bill alone this time and he doesn’t know what to do anymore. 

He feels left out and maybe his pride is too high to even go to speak with him first. Well… he doesn’t really want to. He needs a break but he also needs a break from this break. Basically Louis is a mess. Again. And he feels pathetic because once again he feels dependent from people he thought he would never really felt. Even from Liam. He took Zayn's side apparently – isn't he surprised? –, probably because the day from their fight Zayn went to his place and crashed there. If that's what he wants Louis won't beg him to come back. He will eventually come back, he still has some of his stuff in here – a lot of stuff – he just can't make him stay.  

It doesn't even feel a bother for Zayn the fact that they work in the same place. He manages a way for Louis to hardly see him and when they do and walk by each other is like it doesn't even matter, he doesn't look at Louis' face. The blue eyed guy doesn't know how to interpret that, so maybe that's why he still gained the courage to go talk with his friend. He chose to go and Louis is actually thankful that it was him who told Zayn to leave, otherwise it'd be too painful to watch him leave that door with a suitcase. 

Louis hates the fact that since he has no one else to actually be with, he spends more time with Harry and maybe half of that time with Ed too, eating pizza and watching football games, just guys being pals – even though Harry keeps playing in his phone while the two guys discuss what's on TV, once almost hitting each other because they always cheer for the opposite team, or for the opposite contestant when it's xfactor. 

Louis also hated even more the second day after he fought with Zayn, because he called Harry after ignoring his texts the whole two days, it was 8pm when he decided to call him and ask if he wanted to come over and eat something. Maybe because it was going to be the second day he was going to have dinner alone, and that would only hit him harder that Zayn was actually doing  _this_. Of course Harry asked a bunch of questions, of course Louis avoided them, of course Harry ended up knowing that he and Zayn weren't in the best terms, of course Louis didn't tell him the truth but... Harry kind of wanted to make him speak because he noticed the state of him and the state of the flat – Louis might have broken some things and didn't even clean it, and it already smelled too much of cigarette – but Louis wouldn't tell him, he wouldn't. He won't. But Harry insisted till Louis got tired and said  _leave_ , because two more words out of Harry's mouth would make him freak out and talk shit.  

 _I'm not going to fucking leave_. Harry answered and Louis was kind of in shock but didn't tell him a second time because in reality he didn't want him to leave. Like he wanted Zayn to stay. 

So it's April now, Louis is at home because they have a two weeks break, which he kind of hates it right now because he has nothing to do, especially when Harry is still working otherwise him. So he is watching those weird documentaries that you can actually learn something, but it's about absurd things that just bored people would watch it really, which is adequate for Louis right now. 

The phone rings and he swears he doesn't want to answer because okay, this TV show is actually interesting. But when it stops, it rings again so he decides to answer it not go a person die from him ignoring it, and moves only to reach the coffee table – it's a lot really – to grab the noisy thing 

"Hello," He says in an annoyed and husky voice. 

"I knew you were too lazy to answer the phone." He hears a female voice from the other side, it's not his mother so it can only be –  

"Hi Zoe." He tries to fake a friendly voice. "My beautiful and kind sister. How are you?" 

"Too much brother." She chuckles. "But I'm good, thanks for asking. What about you?" 

"Living." He rolls his eyes and wished she could see. He wished she could also read his mind to know what's been up lately, because he certainly can't say it. 

"Always wonderful. So I'm calling you to tell you something important." 

"I hope it's about someone's death or birth, otherwise I'm not interested and it's not important." 

"Jesus, Louis, such a sense of humour let me tell you." She protests and Louis shrugs, ignoring again the fact that she can't see him. "None of those thankfully. Well, the birth is not a bad one I mean, it depends on the situation but –" 

"Rambling. You're rambling and I'm losing my time." 

"I want to ask you nicely to stop being this rude..." 

"Of course, sis." 

"… and to come to my wedding party." 

"Of cour – what the fuck?" Louis' eye get wide and he repeats their two last exchange of words in his mind to see what he lost there, because apparently it's something big. "Wedding? I hope you're not talking about your wedding. You aren't getting married, I don't allow that. Zoe," He shouts her name and starts walking quickly in circles around the living room till the kitchen's part. "Zoe, you're not – what the hell are you saying? Why are you only asking me this, what am I losing here? Zoe –" 

"Louis!" She yells from the other side of the phone, so loud that makes Louis flinch, stop and put the phone away from his ear. "Thank you." She says when he doesn't speak, Louis is kind of in shock at the moment. Wedding? There are some weird words for him. "I'm getting Marriage with George this week." 

"This week?" He freaks out again. "And I only get to know that now? Now?" He says loudly. He isn't mad, he is just surprised with the new and what the hell? He is confused. "No, no, no." He shakes his head and starts walking again, Zoe sighs on the other side. "Remember what I told you? You were only allowed to marry Harry? That's still up." 

"Louis," she actually chuckles now. "that'd be impossible, you know that." 

"Exactly." He lets a small chuckle escape too and then his lips stay in a smile. "You're going to get married? For real?" 

"For real." She says and Louis knows, he knows she is smiling. That's good, that's wonderful.  

"But, now? This week? Wow." he leans over on the counter and takes his free hand above his forehead. "I'm sorry I didn't even..." he sighs and then smiles again. "So soon. You're young. I'm just in shock." 

"Well, this has been getting planned since the beginning of the year." Louis is ready to speak again, protesting again about how can she be telling him this now? He is her brother, they tell each other everything. He can't believe this. "I know, let me speak. He proposed on New Year but the deal is making this a small thing, not many people because what's the deal of inviting people who don't even care? I told mom and dad after you left and I just wanted their reaction to have yours. We're in college, finishing this year, we could wait till next year or wait more three perhaps but... I feel like delaying important decisions aren't my type of thing. And I'm so happy, he is so happy, we make each other happy." She sighs. "Dad said this could be a mistake, we are only dating for four, almost five years. It isn't much, but... we just know these things." She pauses and Louis wonders if he can finally speak but her voice interrupts. "You inspired me on this. Sorry to touch in this subject but you and Harry at that time... That's what inspires me in this relationship and you just know. There's no room for mistakes but if they happen, we need to forgive them, we need to handle the pain but right now we just need to hold each other. Everything always ends well, I believe in happy endings." She finishes and Louis is speechless, what should he says, what can he fucking say without sounding an emotional wreck. 

"Was I the last one to know this?" So he decides to say and Zoe might understand what he is doing, that's why she laughs. 

"I'm so, so, so sorry Louis."  

"I was, I can't believe this. I'm so insulted, I'm not going." He jokes "And stop pouting." He just knows that's what she is doing. 

"I need you there." She speaks like a child and Louis laughs. This is good, this is making him feel better. 

"I will think about that. You're lucky I'm on break." 

"I know, that's why we chose this date, because of you!" He gets the sarcasm and fakes a laugh, while Zoe keeps laughing for real. 

"All right, tell me about it."  

"Okay, but don't interrupt me." She starts and Louis nods – she is still not seeing you Louis – and walks back to the couch, sitting down and turning off the TV. "It's this Friday." Two fucking days, he has two fucking days to get ready for a wedding, she is so killing her and not taking a present with him. "Don't kill me, I know I'm terrible." 

"You're so disorganized." He rolls his eyes one more time. 

"I said not to interrupt me, brother." She sighs annoyed. "Anyway. Get a nice suit, that's important. It's going to be here in Liverpool, we're truly thinking about staying here by the way. God, I have a lot to update you about. Okay," She sounds so excited Louis can imagine her touching her hair, changing positions from where she is sat on, keeping her lips twisted into a smile, her blue eyes shining brightly. Louis actually feels some light in this dark and lonely flat right now. "We have the ceremony in the morning, around noon, so be here early, obviously." he will need to wake up at 7am because of this, he is so making her death's plan "Then we have the normal lunch that probably will turn out as a dinner. Mom, dad and Peter will stay here, in our beach house. “The _beach house._ ”Because in the next day we want to have lunch with everyone and George's parents. I want you here as well, obviously. And the last thing I'm asking you for, okay, the last two things are, first, is Zayn there? I want to invite him as well." Fuck, of course. 

"He is not." He says in a neutral tone and Zoe would say that he only heard the last words she said instead of everything like he should have. "Call him and tell him the news, I'm sure he will be really glad to hear that from you now." 

"Oh, okay." She says and Louis wants to scream ask me what's wrong, ask me if we're okay and if we fought like you and mom always, because it's killing him but if she doesn't ask, he won't say a thing, he doesn't want to be selfish, she's sounding so happy he doesn’t want to ruin anything. "I will call him then. The other thing is," she makes a pause. "I want you to talk with Harry. I want him present too, but I have proposal." 

"A proposal? You're going to propose to him, after all." 

"Shut up, Louis and listen to me."  

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." 

"I want him to be the photograph." She says and Louis... Louis doesn't know why but he starts smiling, grinning, he even stands up from the couch with the new. 

"Really?" He asks happily. 

"Yes," She chuckles. "We talked about him working on that café but that he still tries with photography and well... We will pay him, I'm sure he will do a wonderful job and I talked about him to George and he actually suggested then to give him a try, you know. He has some contacts maybe this work will help him."  

"Zoe, that's wonderful, he is going to be so happy. I will tell him, yes, of course." Just the thought of listening to Harry – no he will even tell him personally, he won't let this opportunity go. Harry will be so happy, he will be grinning like crazy, he will be looking at Louis that way, he will ask a million of times if he is kidding because he can't believe it and Louis will hug him and of course Harry will want to call Zoe afterwards. Congratulate her for the wedding and thank her. And Louis will be watching all of that. 

"I'm sure he will." 

"Thank you." He says and there's a small pause and it is not Louis' place to actually thank her... and he is thanking her for what really? For giving Harry this opportunity? For inviting him for the wedding like she'll invite Zayn? He just feels grateful and Zoe might feel confused and in this situation the normal would be her asking why he is thanking her. For what for. 

Instead, she only says. "You're welcome, brother." 

~*~ 

Friday comes quickly and waiting for it to come, Louis decided to have good days. Because that's it, he decides it, he decides everything it happens to him. It's his choice. So after he told Harry about the wedding and the little job – and of course it happened everything he expected to – they spent their time shopping. Louis always hated it and apparently Harry does too, or they did... it was actually really amusing them walking around the mall to buy a suit, ending up buying each one a shirt – might or might not be matching ones like they once had – and black pants, because a whole suit is too expensive, they didn't save enough for that. Then it was the shoes, apparently Harry had for him ones and when he told Louis he could lend him a pair, Louis kicked him in the ass, literally, because that was to mock him, definitely.  _You're like Sasquatch and I'm Tinkerbell you dumbass_ , making Harry look at him for a moment that Louis honestly felt like it was wrong, because he was supposed to laugh but instead he smiled and said  _cute_ , making Louis kick him again harder since you're not supposed to say these things. 

The next day Louis and Harry came over to Ed one last time, Louis played with the cat, gained a few new scratches and then ended up sleeping over at Harry's so the morning came early and when Louis wakes up he doesn’t know how to feel and it's too early to even think about it, but... apparently not too early for him to feel his heart beating so fast it seems like it's going to fly out of his chest.  

"Louis, I'll bring the water if you don't get up." Louis groans and puts his arms around the pillow, snuggling better and keeping his eyes shut tightly because there's some wrong light in the room right now. "It's late!" 

" _Is not, have time._ " He mumbles, not really making sense but he feels so comfortable, so warm and the déjà vu is just making for him impossible to even move and react towards life and Harry.  

"No we don't. I'm ready but you still have tones of things to do. Come on!" Harry shakes his shoulder and then makes a disgusted sound. " _Lewis_ , you're dribbling on my pillow." fucking déjà vu, and they're going to Liverpool like the same day, years ago.  

"I'm not  _Lewis_." He groans again and moves his face to the other side, but first cleaning his mouth on the pillow case, of course. "This is my pillow." He defends himself because there's no way he could actually move to the other side of the bed during the night. He doesn't know how things really went like... he and Harry just casually and since the first day made it look normal and formal the fact that they sleep in the same bed like before. Even if it's not  _like before_ , they're still sharing the same sheets, mattress and space. Louis hears Harry's little snores, and feels the heat of his body and damn, how can they do this after so many years? It's not normal but Louis feels... "Comfy." he smiles and then hears Harry sighing, probably in annoyance. 

But there's silence, silence for too long and Louis might probably fall asleep again till... 

"You fucker!" He shouts, sitting up on the mattress after feeling the coldness and wetness of the water Harry pours above him. If he remembers well, the morning they had to wake up for their first vacations together in Liverpool, Louis threatened Harry to do this, but he didn't actually do it so this is quite unfair. Even though it makes him think how much they changed, it's like they switched bodies or something.  

"I'm giving you ten minutes to get ready. We need to be there early, I have a job to do." Harry says firmly, his knees against the mattress with the empty jar in his hand and with a funny, although serious, face expression. And maybe that is enough to make Louis get up and get ready because he must look horrific with all the sleep in his eyes, the pale face and the messy hair and it's just embarrassing since Harry looks... this good. His hair pulled back, making it look longer than the usual, his broad shoulders salient, his chest tattoo exposed with that shirt that Louis chose especially because it fit him perfectly. He looks so handsome it makes Louis go insane. But just a little bit. 

And maybe they leave too late and Harry keeps protesting while Louis only laughs, _if you hadn't poured water on me we wouldn't be taking time changing the sheets_ , making Harry shut up for only a minute to continue again. And also, maybe Louis can't speak too much during the trip because Harry plays a too familiar mix on the car and  _wow Louis we're actually going to Liverpool_ ,  _again_  and that's pretty much when Louis' hearts sinks. 

~*~ 

"Why don't you go talk to him?" Louis hears Harry whispering in his ear, next to him. They're in the restaurant already, everyone is gathering around the tables for the appetizers.  

The ceremony was beautiful, somehow Louis didn't know quite well how he would react at it and feel towards it but in reality he loved it. His mother cried next to him, his father brushed her back saying  _remember the day when got married and now we have this wonderful family_ , which made her cry even more and then there was Peter next to him talking about how he will know the right person to marry with. Louis didn't know how to answer him so he ended up asking him if he was ten or something.  

Zoe looked amazing with her long, however simple, white dress and Louis is sure so proud of her. So proud of the smile she kept all the time. So proud of choosing a man who put that ring in her finger with such shine in his eyes. And Louis can't believe she's getting married before him, I mean, it'd be expected but he didn't see it coming now, like this. So to kept his mind off by describing the two as  _the hot couple and what the fuck, how are they real_? 

And Harry... oh, Harry looks like a kid on a theme park. He is doing what he loves in such ambient. Everything looks so bright and shiny it turns everything so catchy. He looked a professional snapping Zoe pictures before getting into the church, he made all those poses and gave those advices. While the priest talked he kept focusing on his job and at watching everything. Louis is liking this even though _why don't you go talk to him_  are basically the first words Harry tells him because he has been very busy. But now he asks Louis this, touches the subject, making Louis ignore the fact that Harry is bent down next to his chair, with the photograph camera in his hands. 

Louis looks at the person Harry is referring to, not sure why and sees Zayn sat on his table, chatting with some of Zoe's friends – as said they didn't invite many people and Louis actually thinks it makes everything more honest.  

Louis had seen Zayn stood up on the row of seats opposite his, in the same corridor as him. He held his both own hands in front of his belly, attentively looking forward, with Liam next to him knowing god knows what, but both wearing a smoking and looking incredibly attractive with their so well done beard and quiff. He is still next to Zayn, not really leaving his side and Louis asks himself if Zoe invited him or if Zayn decided to bring him afraid of being alone. He is pathetic. 

Louis is pathetic too. The most pathetic one really. 

"I'm not going to talk to him. Not today. Especially today." he looks away but not looking at Harry, he looks forward strictly. "He can't even look at me. He doesn't care." Louis finishes and his voice fails a little at hiding the sadness. 

"Louis..." Harry rests his hand above the blue eyed boy's shoulder. "I don't know what happened between you two and why but... did you tell him to leave?" He asks and Louis understands what he means, Harry understands what happened and Louis doesn't even know how he did that. He chews the inside of his cheek and his eyes probably show how shocked he is. Harry's words make him understand the obvious. Zayn is doing this because he thinks that's what Louis wants. He wants him to leave, at least for now and he is respecting Louis. He is giving him space. 

However, Zayn should have known by now that that's not what Louis wants, that's never what he wants. Louis hates being alone, Louis hates this feeling, hates the emptiness, he hates it but he still told Zayn to leave to hurt himself, to see what Zayn’s limit was. And Zayn is hurt too, Louis feels so bad for making him say that out loud, make his friend think that way... Louis hates the fact that Zayn was right. But Louis needs him and Louis also sees a Zayn in him, in their friendship. Always saw a Zayn more than a Harry. 

Louis has no time to answer, to say something because someone calls Harry, so he stands up, pats Louis' head and walks away. It'll be a long night, especially when he has wine everywhere and is in the groom's table with his family and George's one.  

~*~ 

Louis finds fun and distraction with his brother next to him till he decides to go dancing with George's younger sister. There's music, the food is tasty, everyone looks happy and amused and Louis is drinking water. _Water_. His bum hurts by being sat for so long, his wrist aches by being supporting his head in his palm for so long. He got tired of watching Harry – not tired it was more like to discipline himself and stop – walking around with the camera, laughing and meeting new people. He also made a new friend, Louis' little cousin that even he didn't know he had. She is two years old and Louis had never seen such baby. He seriously should communicate better with his family, but look at him now in his sister's wedding drinking water, sat on the same spot he was since the beginning of the evening and looking at his childhood friend, who is having more fun with a family that isn't even his. 

Louis also wonders how it would be if Harry met the rest of his family years ago, when they were still together. They don't know Harry is Louis' childhood best friend – ex boyfriend – they think he is just Zoe's friend, who she decided to hire to take pictures. And allowed him to drink a little bit more of alcohol than he should during his job. It's not fair for Louis. 

He notices how Harry tried to avoid talking with his cousin, Cassie, because of course Zoe invited the neighbours, till this very moment when Derek walks with her under his arm, towards the green eyed guy. Louis almost feels the urge to stand up but he sees Harry smiling and he takes some pictures at the couple, and Louis stays still. He can't do this to Harry, he is a big boy he can take care of himself.  

When Cassie starts talking with Harry and he makes a serious face, Louis decides that is time to look away and leave it to him. He can't do this.  

Then he sees his parents talking with George's and thankfully they get along pretty well. That wouldn't happen if Louis and Harry got married –and  _what the hell_. Louis shakes his head, that's not going to happen, but he thought they were going to stay together when they were younger. So, seeing things that way, maybe it was better like this. Never happening. Zoe is going to have a wonderful life and Louis might feel a bit jealous of it, it's wrong but he can't stop it, however he is happy for her. He always wished that for her and he hopes Peter gets the same luck.  

George and Zoe are sat on the table with their friends, where somehow Zayn and Liam are part of. Well, at least that.  

Louis thanks the gods above when is time to cut the cake so his table can finally be filled with people again and he doesn't look like the depressed older brother anymore, whose life is miserable and his others siblings are the ones who will win at life. He raises his eyebrows looking at nowhere by listening to his own thoughts. At least he didn't smoke yet. Neither drink, of course. So when the employees come to the table to serve the champagne Louis declines it politely, receiving a pleasant smile from his father.  _At least that_.  

Then it comes the toast and _oh shit_  Louis needs to do a speech, so he takes some deep breathes while Carl does his along with Fiona, where they talk about their own marriage – of course – since Zoe was never able to be present – of course again – and then reveal some humiliating scenes about her young age, which Louis is very familiar with some of them. After George's parents and best friend doing theirs, it's Louis' turn and he wants to pull his hair out. He has a small paper with him and it almost seems nothing compared to the essays other people read. It's always like this. 

He stands up from his seat, takes the microphone and smiles. "I'm smiling but I literally want to run away from here." He starts, keeping his fake grin in his face while people laugh and keep their eyes on him. "I'm Louis Tomlinson, a very happy person as you might have noticed, or not because I've spending the last hours sat in this same chair alone and my bum already hurts." Another row of laughs, he looks at his sister and smiles, the fakest smile he can manage to and everyone notices it, keeping laughing. Especially Peter, who is almost falling over his chair. "I'm Zoe's best brother," Peter protests. "sorry insignificant one," Louis says to the younger kid. "or maybe I'm just really the one she hates the most, since I was the last person knowing she was getting married. And she's making me speak in front of this people I never saw or just remember vaguely from my young age. Good job sister," He makes a thumbs up and she laughs, mouthing an  _I'm sorry, I love you._  "Of course you do." He nods and he is almost not able to be heard since people keep laughing.  

"We aren't very similar as you can see, she's a blonde and I'm pretty. Thanks mom." He smiles at Fiona, who shakes her head chuckling. He notices how Carl leans over at his wife and Louis smiles. "I prepared something," He raises the paper in his hand. "But is literally me talking about how good is being here, how happy I am for my sister getting married first than me and the type of good person she is, which is all lies and I'm not even following it." He throws the paper in the air and shrugs, keeping the microphone close to his lips. "That's what you get for inviting me to your wedding two days ago." He tries to say seriously, looking at her but failing a little. "I'm not going to humiliate you either, like our parents did. Thanks me later. But I have a few words to say. First of all," He raises one finger. "good choice." He looks at George. "You found a really pretty man to be next to you and maybe that's the smartest choice you have ever done." George laughs and Zoe tries to make an incredulous face but then starts laughing along her husband. "Now that I look better, he kind of looks like someone we know, don't we Zoe?" Louis smirks and then he looks at Harry, who is close to his table and Louis notices how he has been snapping pictures of him. Louis waves and Harry notices chuckling and he knows what is coming. Zoe is too because she's covering her face in her hands. 

"That's right, the photographer when he was around sixteen years old. My best friend at the time and the guy I was in love with and you decided to kiss while I went to the bathroom." Louis expects a bad reaction from the people but is actually the otherwise, making him a bit relieved. "We both have similar tastes you see. And this is me, casually coming out to everyone, I was always good at this. Always. Am I right?" he looks at his family who nod and laughs along. "Sorry,  _Hazz_." Louis waves again at the green eyed boy, who was laughing but now just looks at Louis with a small smile in his lips. "So this is the point I want to reach. No, not the gay part, don't worry grandma." He looks over at Carl's mother, who gives him a frown but he feels accomplished since everyone seems to be enjoying listening to him. "But yes, the  _love_ part." He makes a disgusted sound. "I know guys, I'm sorry for who is single here." He raises his hand and looks around till more people do the same. When he looks over at Zayn he is looking at Liam and Louis doesn't see their arms raising. He knew it. "I can see very interesting things now." He comments and Zayn quickly turns his eyes to him. Louis smiles a little.  

"But isn't it because of that, that we are here today? Because these two people love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together." He looks over at the couple and his sister smiles at him tenderly. "Good luck with that." He winks and she laughs along with George, who holds her hand above the table. "All my life, my sister can prove it and even agree with me, I spent it living with love around me." Zoe nods and Louis looks forward, proudly. "It's quite an amazing feeling. First when our parents announced to us that we were going to have a baby brother, Peter, then with our deceased grandpa, who we cared so much about. Especially me, but I'm trying not to centre this on me." He says cheekily and people chuckle. "With our parents, who we see them loving each other more every day and I think that's what inspired us the most, because they can always teach us a lot." He smiles at his parents and everyone is in awe. "We had a cat," he chuckles and shakes his head looking down. "that's kind of a challenge but there's also love involved." He sighs. "Then I want to touch this subject because it had a big impact in this family. My love for my best friend that I previously referred." He looks over at Harry, who puts down the camera, he doesn't notice but Zoe is nodding again and people keep their eyes locked with Louis.  

"It changed our family because it was kind of having another brother. He was part of the family and giving the circumstances he wasn't only loved by me, but by everyone else. I'm not going to touch  _that_ subject again sister, don't worry." He looks by the corner of his eyes at Zoe, she laughs and kisses George on the cheek. "But yes, love was a big part of our family and I think in name of my sister, me, my parents and my brother we want to thank Harry." He raises his hand and points at the guy, everyone follows Louis' gesture and applaud. Harry's cheeks are so red but he tries to hide it with his camera. "So thank you." Louis nods and Harry smiles at him. "My sister was my anchor by the time I was discovering myself and that also helped us to learn to love each other too. There wasn’t much love between our relationship but that changed and I started to appreciate her presence a lot more. So yes, she is a very good person, maybe I should have stick up with the other paper." He laughs. "And she learnt a lot too. That's why she is here with George, very happy, very mature and with a new name and dress." He smiles at her and she shakes her head, eyes filled with kindness and lips forming a big grin. "That's what she told me, which I'm very glad to. She said I inspired her, that all the love she saw during the years made her believe in happy endings, made her believe that true love exists and that made me feel really good and happy." 

"So you inspired me too, sister. Because saying that you gave me hope, I can still learn to love again, forgive others," he looks over at Zayn and keeps his eyes with his friend. "appreciate whole types of love," Zayn nods. "that we keep holding us and the ones who wish us happiness." then he looks over at Harry, who has that relaxed expression, that lovely smile and fond in his eyes. "And that once again, there's always a happy ending for everyone." People applaud and Louis breathes, because maybe he had been holding it for too long. "Maybe is better if I just stop here and finally say congratulations to these two beautiful people standing close to me," he points to George and Zoe. "also saying that everyone looks perfect and that it's an honour being present here this day." He smiles. "And finally let people eat freely because that's what they came here for. I'm telling you, Harry ask everyone here to stand next to the person who has made their life worth living for a photo and you'll see the bartender being almost crushed to death." Everyone laughs again and Louis makes sure to see how Harry throws his head down and claps his hands laughing. "Thank you." He smiles and sits down receiving a wave of other applauses and laughter. 

It actually went pretty well. 

~*~ 

"Your toast went pretty well." Louis hears and Harry sits next to him, in Peter's seat. He didn't mind being alone in the table once again while the newlyweds have their dance till everyone else joined them. Louis actually likes seeing it but he also likes to have Harry's presence next to him. 

"It did, didn't it?" He smiles, turning his attention to the guy. The sleeves from his shirt are already up till his elbows, his hair is all messy and sweaty and he puts his camera above the table and looks back at Louis with the sexiest smile he could ever give. 

"Yes, I liked it a lot."  

"Thank you, Harry." Louis smiles, blue meeting green in the middle of the mess and noise of the party. It's Louis and Harry and the people around and that works. That's good. "Are you enjoying this?" Harry nods frenetically and Louis notices his slightly bloodshot eyes and that he is smiling too much. "I bet you are." He laughs. 

"Yes I am. I love this. And I'm really thankful for the opportunity. Your sister looks really pretty." He says looking over at her dancing with George's father. Louis raises his eyebrow and then Harry looks at him giggling. "But you look really hot." Louis is a little taken back with the comment but Harry spoke seriously considering his state, then he leans a little bit over and looks into Louis' eyes. "May I have this dance, please?" 

Louis laughs, forgetting the little fight that is going on his stomach. "You know I can't dance." Does he? Does he still know? 

Harry smirks. "I know... But it's just to be closer. For a bit more." He says offering his hand to Louis. Louis sees his whole life passing in front of his life till the moment Harry said these same words on the day they went to prom. He is killing him. 

The older guy gulps in dry but accepts it anyway. Harry leads Louis to the dance floor where everyone is, half of them wasted, others just really enjoying the time with their partner.  

The song isn't even slow, it's the kind of just dancing around in a club, but Harry grabs Louis' hands and rests them in his own shoulders and when he drops them, he holds Louis' waist, to get him closer to his body. 

Harry smiles and looks down at Louis. They balance their bodies together, just so they don't keep steady in the middle of the place and look at each other like dorks. Louis feels his knees weak and he isn't even drunk.  

"Remember when we talked about getting married?" Harry asks, chuckling and what the fuck, has some respect because Louis wants to fucking cry. "Do you remember, Louis?" he asks more seriously when Louis doesn't answer but keeps surprised looking at him. He nods and then looks down, breaking the gaze. Harry takes his hand from Louis' waist, only to raise his face by his chin, meeting his blue eyes again "no, look at me beautiful." he whispers and puts it in the previous place again. "We were so young but already knew with who we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. We talked about inviting my parents too so they would see how happy I was with you and they would end up being good people. We talked about what we would do in our honeymoon." He laughs again and Louis knows why that's why he groans and hides his face on Harry's shoulder. "Crazy, crazy kids." Harry keeps laughing. "And we would buy a house on the beach, live there, buy another cat so Daisy could have little kittens and then it'd be our turn. Have a baby. And we would see her growing up, yes a she Louis, I said I wanted a girl not a boy." It's Louis' turn to laugh and he pulls his forehead away and looks up at Harry. "And we would be together forever." He says now seriously, no smile, no joke, just eyes locked with Louis' and his voice sounds like an angel and it tastes sweetly. 

And Louis feels so close, so warm so... 

"Hello, can I have this dance with, Harry?" Louis looks at his side and sees Zoe with Fiona ready to take Harry away.  _Take Harry away_. 

"Sure." Louis smiles a little and pulls away from the guy, who is still looking down at him. "All yours, sister." She smiles at him and it means something, Louis just doesn't want to find out what. 

Harry accepts Zoe's hand and Louis goes to his mother.  

"Hello, son." Fiona laughs and Louis puts one of his hand in her waist and with the other holds his hand.  

"I'm not dancing mom." 

"I know let's just pretend." She jokes and starts leading them, making Louis kind of want to puke because she might swing him around too fast. 

"I'm proud of you too. Always was." She says out of nowhere, Louis hears her voice and he feels like he is eighteen and just came out to her. "You think you didn't, but you always did what makes you happy." She smiles and Louis thinks he doesn't need anything else. He has everything, he heard everything and he is so glad of everything, he has just been blind all this time but that could have been changed if he had turned on the light. 

"Thank you mom." He hugs her even though they're right around them dancing and enjoying the music. 

When they move, leaded by Fiona and get close to Harry and Zoe, Louis can hear something.  

"And you take care of my brother. Don't leave him anymore. You have him so locked in the palm of your hand, it's unbelievable." He hears Zoe's voice. 

"But... we aren't dating, you know that Zoe, don't you?" 

"Yes." She answers. "But you don't need that, you two have always been in love. All this time." She finishes, Fiona is looking at Louis, she probably hears that too and now wants a reaction from his son.  

He opens his mouth but shuts again, Fiona keeps smiling at him. He looks around and pulls away from his mother, smiles a little and sees Zayn dancing with Louis' grandmother. She always liked him somehow, she fell in love with him by Christmas. He nods at his mother, squeezes her hand and goes to them, he will deal with Harry later.  _Later._ And he doesn't even want to know what Zoe talked with him more about. 

"Excuse me, I didn't want to interrupt." Louis says coming behind the two. His grandmother looks up at him and Zayn probably thinks Louis wants to dance with her by the way he pulls away and nods but Louis speaks. "But I wanted to dance with my friend, granny." He says politely with a small smile.  

She raises her eyebrow and looks at Zayn then at Louis, with a sigh she leaves and Louis wants to laugh really, she never really was a talkative person with him and always liked better his siblings and apparently Zayn, who now looks at the blue eyed man confused. 

Louis smiles and holds Zayn's hand and puts his other one on his shoulder, "Hi," he says and tries to lead the dance and maybe failing a little. Maybe. Definitely.  

"What are you trying to do, Louis?" Zayn asks, not really sounding annoyed or mad, just really asking in his usual tone, when he speaks with Louis. 

 _That's why when we fight you never apologise first, because it wasn't worth it for you._  

"Apologising to you, showing that it is, in fact, worth it." He says honestly, never stopping looking at Zayn, because he can, he actually can look at Zayn and say these things, he can be honest, he allows Zayn to see the truth behind his eyes. "So I'm sorry. I need you Zayn, it wasn't this fight that made me realise it, I knew it already, it was just really hard to deal with it. With this fight I only got to know how much I hurt you and I'm truly sorry for that. I knew what I was doing but was always afraid of stopping it. I thought you didn't mind and this is the truth." 

"Okay." Zayn nods. "I forgive you." Louis opens his eyes widely. 

"That's it? You won't tell me anything else? You are going to forgiving me just like that?" Louis asks, while leading the dance, ending up to be a mess between the people.  

"Yes," Zayn smiles. "You know what you did and you finally learnt that you need me, you need people to be happy. You saw your mistakes and you will change that. You needed space too, both needed. Our friendship needed this break and you chose when to have it, so I respected it." Louis looks at his friend admired with his words. Zayn always knows how to deal with him, always knows what's the best, always makes Louis want to be a better person.  

"I'm really thankful to have you." He decides to say and Zayn smiles, kissing his forehead. 

"I know little one. I'm thankful to have you too." He answers 

"Well... and aren't you thankful to have Liam as well?" He asks with a smirk, teasing and he knows what's about to come when Zayn makes  _the face_. The fucking face when he looks like he is in the moon and gravity isn't a thing. 

~*~ 

The wind is too cold to be outside, but Louis doesn't consider his choice when decides to sit on the sand imagining the colour of the sea since it's too dark to even see the way the waves hit the ground, but he also imagines that with the way it sounds on his ears. And why's that? Because he isn't alone in the darkness, he has Harry next to him.  

It's too late to even be awake, so Louis knows tonight they won't sleep. His parents and Peter are in the beach house, probably already too into their dreams to even think about what Louis and Harry might be doing outside. They won't know that Harry was too overwhelmed to be inside that house, too energetic to even sleep and Louis was okay with that. They won't know the way Harry asked Louis to just go sit on the sand and watch whatever they could imagine in the darkness, along with the sound of the waves, they won't know how Louis held his hand and lead him outside by the back door and Harry looked around playing in his mind all the lost memories they two have from this place.  

Louis isn't feeling cold, he is actually pretty warm, the wind hits his face and blows his hair to the back, making him smell better Harry's perfume from the jacket he put above Louis' shoulders. 

The moment is too good, too sweet and Louis feels so powerful, so free right now that it doesn't even matter that is new moon up in the sky and the only light they have to actually see some shapes and shadows is the one behind them, from the house.  

"Harry," Louis' voice is heard and it's almost tough for Harry to hear it by being so used to the only sound of the ocean a little bit forward. "Do you remember everything that happened here, in Liverpool?" He asks and Louis knows how special this place is for Harry, for both of them. It has a story, it's when they reached the middle of their relationship and it started something new there to make them keep going.  

"Of course I do." Harry says softly making Louis smile a little.  

"Remember when you told me how you fell for me?" He asks and there's silence, there's silence, which only confirms what Louis knew already. "You said I inspired you to be a better person, you said I chose you to be the one that I knew better than anyone else. You said I accepted you when no one else did. You were fourteen and I couldn’t believe that you felt that way for so long, thinking that you were alone on that." 

"Yes. Yes I do remember." Louis nods and Harry's voice keeps calm and soft and that's wonderful, because Louis' heart is beating too fast. 

"I never told you how I fell for you." Louis heard Harry catching his breath in his throat, he notices how he stiffs in his place and how he shuts his fists, touching the sand on the side of his body. 

"How... How did you?" Harry asks, his voice tiny and different from the other times. Louis isn't used to be the one speaking like this by now, between them. 

"Really slowly. So slowly. But it was beautiful. And I was so young. I fell in love with everything that was in you to hate. I fell in love with everything you hated about yourself. I fell in love with your flaws, turning them into virtues. I fell in love with you in the right way. With every kiss you gave me. With every touch we shared. Nothing you could ever do would let me down, I'm serious though. I loved you for a really long time and even if in some moments, before everything, I didn't get to kiss you, if I could literally just sit by you and hear you talking it'd be so much better than nothing." He pauses and looks up and there is it, there it is the stars shining for them. "How am I supposed to forget about you now?" He asks, a small chuckle coming out between his lips, he doesn't even look at Harry now, he is afraid of knowing what he might be feeling and letting his courage going away. "I melted my brain away to forget you but it never fucking worked. I wished I could just erase you from my memory like in the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, so then I could be happy." He gulps.  

"But then I realised," He looks over at the side at Harry and there it is, green eyes sparkling for him, who needs the starts if he has Harry? "that I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have the memories I have with you." He stops again, looking at Harry's features and he sees so many things there, he sees so many fucking things and feelings, Louis is in the clouds in the sunset and it's wonderful. "But I don't only want memories."  

"Louis..." Harry whispers and Louis notices how he is a bit closer than before, how he is breathing heavily and how he looks at Louis' lips, licking his own. 

"Harry..." Louis lets out, he puts his hand on the sand, somehow meeting Harry's. They don't even react with the touch, is just there and if Louis tries to interlace his fingers between Harry's, casually and as if like that he'd feel not only fill the space between their fingers but every other type of emptiness, they keep with their eyes locked. "I'm going to kiss you now." Louis says in a low tone and Harry only nods and that's his answer. 

 _That's his answer._  

Louis bites his bottom lip, looks at Harry's pink, the ones he knows so well, an upper lip thinner than the bottom one, so beautifully shaped. So Louis doesn't waste time, he rests his hand above Harry's cheek and leans over to press their lips together. 

And there it is. It's like he remembered, it's even better than what he remembers because it has been so long that it tastes better.  

Harry holds Louis' opposite hip right away when they start moving their lips, first slowly and carefully, tenderly and giving time to get used to such incredible feeling. The tip of their noses brush each time they lean their heads to the other side, tasting and sucking each other's lips and that's enough for Louis to decide to move and sit on Harry's lap, letting Harry's jacket fall behind.  

Harry immediately hums in pleasure and maybe even as a thank you for feeling Louis' body closer to him. He parts his legs and rests is thighs next to Harry's legs and throws his arms around his neck, instantly grabbing a fist of Harry from the back with one of his hand.  _Contact, contact and contact._  

It's so warm, so right, so needed that Louis can't stop. Harry gets Louis even closer from his chest by pushing him to himself, by Louis' curve of his bum, making the older boy moan by brushing himself in Harry's jeans. Then he sinks his fingers on Louis waist to keep him still.  

There's more than the sound of the waves in the air now, there's two bodies breathing heavily and desperately, between them there's no more space left. Their lips move in synchrony, now faster and Louis' grip on Harry's hair gets stronger.  

It's like they're kissing as if they've done it for years and never stopped. They know how to do it right, they know where the other's lip begins, they know how to kiss the way the other likes, they know how to touch the other, how to place their hands, how to move... the feeling is almost painful, but it's a beautiful pain. 

" _Louis, Louis... Louis_." Harry repeats between their lips and Louis has to shut his eyes even tighter. This is insane, this is something that is happening and Louis thinks he is finally having a good dream and got rid of the nightmares.  

Louis literally hums as an answer and that makes Harry separate their lips, receiving a sound of disapproval now from the blue eyed man, but it's soon knocked away when Harry's fingertips get on the first buttons of Louis' shirt. he undoes only three, puts the fabric away – and it's so quickly that Louis has no time to recover his breathe – and kisses Louis' neck all the way down till his collarbones. And he gets his lips on the special spot of them, he kisses that place so many times, it's sloppy but so tender.  

Louis has his head thrown on the side to give Harry more space and skin. "So good," Louis whispers and he is like this just by a kiss. A kiss. 

"I missed this so much." Harry says between kisses up from his neck to his jaw. He holds Louis' face and passes his fingers above his lips, touching them and looking at how puffy and red they are. "I missed you so much." Harry whispers and Louis' feels his warm breathe hitting them. 

Then Harry is kissing him again and that's it. 

His brain lights on fire and the warmth spreads throughout his entire body. He is addicted, he can't bare not to be with Harry and he can barely breathe when he is around. This kiss is his salvation and torment. He lived for this moment to come again and he would die with the memory of them on his own lips. Louis dedicated his life to be with him from the moment of that first kiss, for the moment he knows that if he loses him he will lose himself. Harry was and always will be the half that makes him a whole. 

And it's the same with Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » after this what do you have to say about zouis' relationship now? what do you think it was louis' reasons for him to kiss harry?


	25. Alone

"Harry..." Louis whispers, sinking his face on the crook of Harry's neck. It's warm and it smells good, he could fall asleep again like this.  

"Yes, baby?" Harry answers, a smile appearing in his face, he tights his grip on Louis' thighs and Louis keeps holding himself with his arms around his neck. He doesn't lose his strength one bit while climbing the stairs from the house. The amazing thing of it is that Harry knows where he is supposed to go, he remembers.  

"You aren't supposed to carry me." Louis says, his voice muffled in Harry's skin. He is carrying him bride style, it was his sister who got married not him. "Heavy." Harry chuckles with the comment.  

"You said it the last time." Harry whispers, trying not to make much noise because of the family sleeping in the house, as well as with his feet on the stairs. "And you actually got lighter since then." He says closer to Louis' ear. 

"Or you got stronger." Louis whispers back, receiving a  _hum_ as an answer from Harry. The taller boy opens the door from the room and looks around before stepping in with Louis in his arms. There's the same big window in front of the double bed, with the same view for the beach. Harry finds himself smiling then looking down at the blue eyed boy in his arms. "Why did you stop?" Louis groans brushing his nose in Harry's collarbones. 

"For nothing, sorry." Harry quickly answers and shuts the door behind him with his foot, walking over to the bed and laying Louis down there. Louis groans again in protest, but Harry shushes him, and puts the sheets to the side, making him lay down underneath them, with his head above the pillow. "You can't keep sleeping with your clothes on." 

"Help." Louis smirks, however his eyes are closed. The light that comes from the window outside is enough for Harry to see his face. His beard is almost invisible, his eyelashes perfectly curled and leaving a light shadow underneath his cheekbones, his lips are twisted in that said smirk, his thin hair going in all the ways and softly resting on the white pillowcase.  

Harry sighs, too flustered to even speak something. If it wasn't enough Louis falling asleep with his body pressed against his after they pulled away from their kiss, in the same position, with his small arms wrapped around his board shoulders, his lips almost touching his neck, now he has to undress him. It was such a wonderful feeling... the desire to wake him up, lay him down on the sand, his body hovering above the older boy and kissing him again was huge but he ended up just holding him and feeling the breeze hitting them for a little bit more till he decided to go back inside. 

Harry dares to caress Louis' face and pull one lock of hair to the side. Louis leans over to the touch but Harry pulls his hand away to undo the rest of the buttons from his shirt. Harry bites his bottom lip while staring at his chest. "It's beautiful." He murmurs and passes his fingertips above Louis' tattoo, making him lazily opening his eyes to look up at the guy. "Just..." He says then, this time passing his hands above his eyes for Louis to shut them again. He does so and Harry undresses his shirt, putting the sheets on the side to pass to his pants. "Can I?" He asks for permission, his hands barely resting on Louis' waist. 

Louis nods, his eyes still shut and that's Harry's cue to do the same he did with his shirt. Louis helps a bit and there's nothing behind this, both think, it's just Harry taking care of Louis and that's all they need right now. Kindness and care. 

"Won't you feel cold?" Harry asks, unsure of what to do next. He has Louis in underwear in front of him, laid down in a bed and it's just... too much.  

"If you leave me here alone, yes." Louis admits and there's no need for more shared words. Harry leaves the bed but only to take his shirt and jeans off too. He puts all the clothes above Louis' suitcase, that honestly now they see it was useless, and Harry was worried about staying when Louis announced it to him only on the way, for nothing. 

He goes to bed again, it's almost five, Louis was sure that they weren't going to sleep but right now he wants to, he actually feels like sleeping. Harry lays down right next to him, belly up, his hands above it and looking up at the ceiling. 

He hears Louis breathing right next to him and somehow getting closer to his body. "Louis?" 

"Yes, Harry?" He knows, Harry fucking knows Louis is smiling. 

"Remember when we promised each other we would be together in the future?" Louis hums as an answer. "I'm not afraid anymore. Of the future I mean." 

"That's good." Louis says hoarsely, by being half a sleep, but still listens. He has his face turned to Harry's side and his both hands joined under his cheek. 

"And do you remember that we promised living in London and I'd see you looking at the sad sky, but you would love it anyway?" Louis hums again. "That happened." Louis doesn't hum this time, there's silence and a big pause but Harry decides to wait.  

"I kept thinking about the future and you would still appear on it, even not knowing if you were coming back to me." Louis raises his hand to hold Harry's, however he slides down to his wrists to touch the same old bracelet he is so used to see and even though he likes it, he feels sad for not having his anymore. "Now I like to think that you leaving was just... like a trip, for a while. It was all thinking, we took a rest but it came to an end. So you came back home." He looks up to meet Harry's eyes and simply smiles. "You're here now and it's still all the same. You're home, you're still the world for me, Harry."  

"You're still the world for me too, Louis." Harry smiles back and that's everything Louis needs to hear for the night. He gets closer and wraps his arms around Harry, cuddling. Harry moves to the side so they can spoon and maybe that's all Harry has to say for the night as well. That's good. So he just holds Louis' hand and lets him be the big spoon for the moment, feeling him pressed against his body and pressing small kisses along Harry's spine. That's just everything good that exists in the world right now. 

~*~ 

A lot happened before Louis and Harry got in his car to go back to London. Well, not a lot,  _a lot_... but some things.  

In the morning Fiona went to wake up Louis saying that Harry had disappeared from the room he was supposed to be, finding out the two boys cuddling and sharing the same sheets to cover their half–naked bodies. It was the first thing in his list of things his mother didn't need to see it'd spare him the creepy looks, smirks and her gossips with Zoe at dinner. In that time, George and Harry decided to tease Zoe because of Louis' revelation in his speech, which made Louis enjoy better the moment. It all felt like they were a family and Harry wasn't even uncomfortable for being there as he first thought he would be ( _I'm not going, Louis, I stay here waiting for you all to come back_ , but of course that didn't happen). They all went for a walk on the docs, ending up visiting the usual fair it happens there and Louis and Harry also remember coming here once. It has different things of course, but they like to see that even after all this years, things in this city are still the same. Maybe a little like them, while still having those small differences for better. 

Louis felt like staying for a week, maybe going to the beach even though is not the time for that, but he just feels nostalgic and excited at the same time. However, they don't have clothes and neither would he like to stay in the same house with his family, wanting him to stay alone with Harry like the old times. 

Well... Not like the old times, but like the old,  _old_ times. It'd be weird, so around 4pm they decide to leave Liverpool and maybe it costs Louis too much, maybe Harry looks like he is going to cry his eyes out when says goodbye not only to Louis' family, but also to that city, but they get into the car and Louis gets mentally ready to go back home.  _Home_. 

Harry doesn't start the car right away, though and Louis feels a bit confused and lost sat on the passenger seat seeing Harry with one hand on the pocket of his jacket and the other tapping his thigh. 

The he moves before Louis can point out anything and he opens the little drawer under the radio and Louis looks even more confused when he gets a scissor from there. 

"Why the hell do you keep a scissor in your car?" He frowns, asking the first thing it comes to his mind and Harry looks at him, with the utensil in his hand.  

"You never know when you have an accident and your seat belt gets stuck and you can't release yourself." Harry answers easily and Louis thinks he is an idiot, he can't exist, because this is not normal... this is just  _so Harry_. Louis doesn't stop himself from laughing a little and shaking his head. 

"Your belt is fine." He points out, obviously questioning why Harry needs that right now. 

"Yeah I know." He says and then he raises his arm and directs the scissor to his wrist, Louis already feels his heart beating quickly in his chest but when he sees Harry putting the iron thing between his bracelet, it stops. It literally and by the time Harry cuts it off from his wrist Louis feels himself getting pale, wanting to get out of the small space and his eyes burning. What the hell? Did he miss something? Is Harry fucking joking with him? 

Louis widely looks at Harry's wrist, now seeming to be completely naked without the old, leader thing. He feels lost and it's like Harry had cut his own body in half. 

"What the –" He starts but Harry puts his index above Louis' lips, his eyes showing assurance and trying to tell Louis to trust him. But he is confused and half hurt. 

"Hey, do you think it'd do this in vain?" He moves his hand to cup Louis' cheek and smiles a little. Louis' heart keeps beating fast but then Harry reaches over for his pocket, putting the piece of bracelet there but taking other two. That's the moment Louis' eyes get wider and turns his attention to that. "I think since we're making a new history, I guess it'd be good for us to have a new pair of these." He looks over from the two similar bracelets, this time black otherwise the others that were brown, to look up at Louis' face and see his reaction. "I'm sorry for taking the other one that way, but I think if I didn't do it like that I wouldn't have the courage to do it so." He says honestly and Louis meets his eyes. 

"Harry..." He lets out, his voice hoarse, which is unusual. 

"I know I promised you that I would never take it. But, the past... you said we should care about the present now. I'm trying to do it, so..." He hands Louis' the bracelet is supposed to belong to him and it smells like a fresh start and it's brand new, unlike the other one he had once taken off by anger and sorrow surrounding him. Now it's different, this is a new thing, now he is happy and healthy and in his way to feel good about himself, life and towards the others. "Do you –" 

"Harry..." Louis says again but this time he goes over and hugs the guy sat next to him, wrapping his arms around his neck and holding his nape. "Yes." He answer as if there was actually a complete question there. When he pulls away he doesn't look at Harry's face right away, he looks at his hands instead that stayed between their bodies since Louis acted too quickly for him to actually react.  

He grabs the black piece of leather from Harry's hand but instead of putting in his own wrist, he gets Harry's, this time his right one, different from where the other one was during years. He gently passes his fingers in his skin and puts it around his wrist then. Harry nods, not that there is any motive to do it so, but he does anyway and is his turn to do the same in Louis' wrist.  

And Louis wants to kiss Harry after this. He wants to kiss him right there, right now and only stopping after long minutes. Only stopping till they're breathless and Louis had whispered all the things he wants to between their lips brushing together.  

But instead he only leans over and places a quick kiss in the corner of Harry's lip. A disappointment, really, but he thinks they need to speak first before he starts making this a habit. 

"Thank you, Harry. It means a lot."  

"I know." Harry answers smiling back. "It means a lot to me too, you know?" Louis nods, his grin still playing on his lips and he decides to control himself then. He pulls away completely to rest his back on the seat. He looks down at his lap, where he has his hand placed and plays with the new bracelet. He had missed having something to look up to and he sure will gain the same habit of playing with it when he has nothing to do, is nervous or is just bored. "So, let's go, shall we?" 

"Yes." Louis nods and keeps smiling looking down. 

"Actually, I..." Harry starts but when Louis looks over at him, his expression not changing, Harry takes some time looking at him as if he had forgotten about what he was going to say. "You know I –I will talk to you when we arrive." 

"Okay." Louis says, not really overthinking because why would he? He is so relaxed, so happy... his sister had just gotten married, she is happy along with all the members of his family, he has Zayn back (at least they aren't mad at each other anymore) and apparently Zayn has Liam too and Louis... Louis has all these people, the world, the stars, the universe and mostly Harry. 

So Harry drives back to London, the way seeming shorter and taking less time than when they were actually heading to Liverpool, which is okay for Louis. And more okay for him is when Harry parks and helps him to get his suitcase up to his flat, when they open the door, the place isn't empty.  

It smells good and being almost 8 o'clock that’s the most pleasing smell the house can offer him. They get in the kitchen and there's Zayn cooking, with a quite funny apron his parents once brought him from Greek and when he turns around he looks at both guys but locks his gaze with Louis, smiling. 

"Welcome back." He says and Louis' eyes get brighter, his smile wider and he only feels himself moving his legs and running towards the dark haired guy to hug him, looking quite stupid since he then jumps and puts his legs around the guy's waist. It feels like ages since he saw him, even if they saw each other like last night and even danced together. But after solving things and speaking a little about him and Liam, they kind of split up along the way. However now is different and Louis is seeing Zayn in the place he belongs to. Back to him. 

"You're back." He whispers close to his ear and Zayn holds him from under his thighs and tries his best not to walk backwards but just carefully spinning him around. 

"Of course I am, little one." Louis giggles and after giving his friend a quick squeeze he releases himself and goes back to the floor, composing himself. 

"Hi Zayn, good to see you here mate." Harry says then after their moment shared. "I don't want to disturb so I came here just to drop Louis off and make sure he'd be okay." 

"Thank you, Harry." Zayn says honestly, nodding and getting closer from the blue eyed guy next to him. 

"Wait, but didn't you have something to talk with me?" Louis asks, looking fragile and tiny in the same room as his two friends. For too many and different reasons really.  

"Oh..." Harry bites his bottom lip. "Yes but, you probably don't want to hear it now." He stutters a little, making Louis frown. 

"That only makes me want to hear it now, so... you better start." He says, trying to sound a bit like joking and relaxed.  

Zayn looks at the two at time and then looks back at what he was cooking to say "You two talk, I'm going inside for a little then." Harry tries to say something but Zayn is taking off his apron, turning off the oven and walking away.  

Louis still has that shinning and happy expression, leaning over on the counter, looking back at Harry. "So are you deciding to get married too and that's what you want to tell me?" He jokes, laughing a bit and this would be a good joke if it wasn't their situation and story, which makes Louis cringe a little bit, especially when Harry scratches the back of his head and looks at the floor. "Are you, really?" He asks now more seriously. 

"What? No!" Harry says quickly and shakes his hands in front of him as disagreeing with what was said. "That's not it, obviously." He says nervously and that's when Louis knows his expressions falls and it won't stand up any sooner. 

"Then what?" He raises his brow. 

"Listen, Louis..." Fuck, he knew things were going too good to last. 

"Are you going to talk about the kiss? Is that why you look so tense and with that serious face? Was it that bad that it happened?" Louis starts guessing or his throat will dry if he doesn't talk and keeps this little anxiety, starting to grow up. 

"No, no," Harry shakes his head. "Louis, why would I –" he groans. "Just listen to me please." he takes his hands to his hair and Louis would give a step back if it wasn't for the counter.  

He looks attentively at the guy in front of him and sees him taking a deep breathe, this is not going to be good and Harry was right, Louis doesn't want to hear it right now if it's bad. "I'm going back to America." Louis eyes go wide, Harry couldn't be easier with his words and Louis doesn't know if he sees that in a good or bad way. It just hits him harder and faster and not only he is confused but also lost and shocked. 

"You're what?" Louis asks then, he needs to be sure about what he is listening to, this is not happening, he just got Harry he can't be leaving again. 

"Louis," Harry sighs like,  _you listened to it now calm down_ , that's what Louis interprets at this point. "let me just explain this to you, please. I don't want this to be hard." He holds his hands in front of him and why does he look so relaxed? Why is he telling this to Louis like this as if he is telling him a random story? Louis doesn't deserve this. 

He starts shaking his head, he can't think, he can't ratiocinate, the words Harry spoke only mean one thing to him.  _Leaving_. "You can't." 

"Louis, it's my parents." 

"You're leaving me again." He yells and Harry takes a step back, looking at Louis startled. Louis' eyes get darker, he takes his hands to his head and presses his eyes together. "No!" 

"Louis, that's not –" 

"No, no, no. You can't be doing this to me." He keeps talking loudly, his hands holding his head on the sides. He is starting to panic, this moment needs to be an illusion. 

"Lou..." Harry quickly steps closer to the blue eyed guy by seeing his state getting worse and clearly not allowing him to speak. He raises his hand to reach for Louis, but he snaps it away. 

"Don't you dare." He shouts. "So this time you're saying goodbye so it can be okay? Is that it? That's why you gave me this?" He raises his wrist and shows Harry the bracelet, his eyes getting wet. "You're fucking leaving me again." 

"Louis stop." Harry almost shouts and tries again to reach over for him but this time it isn't Louis who pulls him away so he cannot do it, it's Zayn. It's like he appears out of nowhere, he pushes Harry away by his shoulder and gets Louis in his arms.  

"What did you do to him?" Zayn asks furiously, it's not even loud is just really harsh and cold. Harry doesn't need to take a step back since Zayn pushed him far away when he grabbed him. He keeps Louis against his chest and it's almost like a lioness protecting her young.  

"He is leaving... He is leaving again." Louis sobs, hiding his face on Zayn's shirt and grabbing a fist of its fabric on the side. Harry can only look desperate by seeing what is happening.  

"No!" Harry quickly says, trying to defend himself. 

"You're leaving this house." Zayn keeps his voice low, his hand now heading to Louis' back to make him close. "I can't fucking believe you're actually doing this to him. You're –" 

"Please hold on." Harry raises his hands trying his best to calm the two people in front of him down. "This is not... Louis," he looks over at the guy, looking so fragile and tiny. 

"I said go I don't want you to speak with him again." Zayn continues and Louis whimpers next to him, his eyes still shut tightly.  

"I'm not... Louis needs to listen to me, this is not what it seems." Harry tries to prove his point desperately but it's just like every time he talks he gets farther away from Louis. 

"Say goodbye, Harry." Zayn insists, making Louis almost break down, he can't even move away and the dark haired guy, who looks like he is about to punch Harry.  

Harry shakes his head, he is not even afraid. "Don't you see this is just making him worse?" He points at Louis with his face still buried in Zayn's shirt and Harry can't even tell what he is feeling right now. Desperation? Is he sad or mad? Harry just wants to grab Zayn so he can let Louis go, can stop making him look so vulnerable, can stop building this wall between the two. Harry wants to talk with Louis, make him listening to him, because Louis isn't listening. Louis doesn't want to because he is so afraid of feeling alone again, of losing someone again that what Harry told him just made him think the worst and now it's his protective sense waking up from deep down.  

"You being here is making him worst." Zayn almost yells this time and Harry just notices how Louis is trying to hide on Zayn's chest, trying to disappear and this isn't good. 

"He is freaking out." Harry says worried and he just wants to step closer and take Louis with him. He feels like Zayn thinks he is the only one who knows how to deal with Louis, how to take care of him, but he knows too. Louis might have changed but Harry knows this, he will always know. 

"Because of you." 

"I'm not leaving him. Louis," He clenches his fists beside him. "I'm not going to leave you, please." 

"Harry!" Zayn tries to pull Louis behind him and Harry is literally seeing the time he is walking over him and punch him in the face. 

"I'm coming back. I'm coming back to you I promise." Louis whimpers again, tightening his grip around the fabric from Zayn's shirt.  

"Make it stop." Louis whispers but both guys hear him, his legs are barely keeping his weight so he is soon losing his strength by them being trembling so much.  

"See, go. Go now." Zayn keeps raising his voice, losing his control but Harry doesn't believe Louis is referring to Harry's words, he doesn't think he is talking specifically at Zayn to help him to make it stop, make him leave. He can't be. He is talking with himself, he is fighting with himself because he just needs to hear, to control himself and calm down. 

 "I'm just... listen to me, Louis. I beg you. I'm not leaving, you are not understanding." 

"They will make you stay." Louis talks, not loud, he sounds weak, making his voice sound tiny and very low. His voice is also still muffled but it's enough for them to hear him and look at the blue eyed man. "You won't come back..." His voice cracks and he sobs. "Leaving... me..." he cries and Harry is reaching his limit, he can see Louis in this state in the arms of another man. 

"Harry I'm not warning you any more time. You don't know what I'm able to do, so you better leave right now." Zayn tries to keep his voice steady but he is so mad, Harry swears he can see him in flames. 

"Lou... Please, I promise." He repeats and that's probably Louis' limit point too because he lets himself go from Zayn and runs past the green eyed boy to leave the room. They only hear a strong noise of a door shutting and Harry knows he just locked himself in his room.  

It's probably his instinct when he quickly moves to go after the smaller guy but of course Zayn doesn't allow him to when sinks his fingers in his shoulder and makes him stop.  

"You won't." He simply says and his eyes are like bullets looking at Harry. 

The taller guy moves his shoulder, making Zayn's hand move away, probably quite harshly. "I will." He says calmly and getting close to the dark haired man, who clenches his jaw. "You aren't understanding this, I need to speak with him. I finally have him back in my life, how can you not see that I won't leave him." 

"How can I not?" Zayn keeps his tone louder than Harry's. "You weren't the one who picked up his pieces and tried to fix him." 

"Louis doesn't need people to fix him. He has to do it in his own." Harry interrupts him. 

"So that's how you see this? You want to make him do this all alone? He spent the hardest times of his life after you left and I won't allow myself to see him in that state ever again." Zayn says slowly, almost picking Harry in his chest with his index while raising it, to make his point.   

"I won't leave him alone. Ever. And he knows that."  

"That's not what it looked like."  

"He reacted like this in a way of protecting himself, he doesn't know how to deal with this alone. He can't control himself alone and right now he is in his room suffering because he is used to have someone next to him doing everything for him, using that person as medicine." Harry finally raises his voice each word he speaks, proving his point by making small pauses and looking at Zayn deadly in the eyes. But then he stops and repeats his own words in his head. The way he described Louis right now is how he was when he had him in his life. 

He was vulnerable and depended too much on Louis. Because he was all he had. Louis. 

Zayn was all Louis had for long years. He looks at the man in front of him, filled with tattoos in his arms and not much taller than Louis and sees. Zayn is Louis and Louis is Harry. However, Harry sees something in this man that Louis didn't have by that time. Zayn knows his limits, Zayn knows how to control things well and Harry... Harry doesn't know much, but he wants to and he and Louis agreed on a healthy relationship. 

Zayn tried to fix that on Louis and he is right in a way because Louis needs people. He needs people not to fix him but to help him and being the one to give him the tape so he can put the pieces together. And why not having more than one doing that?  

"This isn't good. We need to go talk to him." 

"You aren't going to talk to him, you're –" 

"Yes I am." Harry doesn't let him finish. "You aren't the only one in his life now. I know I screwed up once but..." Harry sighs and sinks his fingers on his hair. "You know it Zayn, you know how much he means to me because you know how much I meant to him." he shakes his head and presses his lips together. "I need you to trust me on this like Louis is trying to do. I won't leave him." He dares to put his hand above Zayn's shoulder and squeezes a little. "You hear me? I won't, I won't do that to him again. I give you my word." he looks down and lets his hand drop. "I need him." and there's silence. 

"He needs you too, so put that in your mind." Zayn says, not as harshly as he was talking previously, but still. 

"I know." Harry says honestly. "He needs us now. But let me speak this time too." He looks up and says. Zayn examines his face and then sighs.  

"I swear I'll punch you if you screw up this. I swear, Harry, don't make me regret helping him to find you." Zayn speaks his last words before walking away from the kitchen and Harry takes it as his cue to follow him as well as seeing it as an opportunity and chance Zayn is giving him. Harry knows he needs it, he needs Zayn's trust because he is a big part of Louis now and Harry needs to accept that. 

They get in front of Louis' room, they can't hear much from the inside with the door shut. Zayn looks at Harry for a second and Harry thinks he is actually asking him what to do now, which is weird. Zayn knows how to deal with Louis, always, but now he is asking for Harry's help. Maybe because he is always afraid of failing and right now he knows he has someone next to him so if he screws up, there won't be that tragic. 

Harry nods and takes a step closer. He knocks at the door twice and doesn't even wait before trying to twist the knob and opens the door. Louis had never closed it, which only means one thing. He doesn't want to be alone.  

"Louis?" Harry calls in a small whisper, opening the door further, making Zayn walk in right behind him. They see the blue eyed boy sat in his bed, with his knees brought up against his chest, while his arms wrap around his legs and playing with the black bracelet in his wrist. He is looking at the window and there's not even much to see. Harry wonders if that's what Louis always wanted, if he wanted beyond the view of his window. He probably did want so looking outside right now only hurts. 

"Go away." He answers, his tone monotone and soulless.  

"We are not going away." he answers and they hear Louis let out a long and deep sigh.  

"Can I get closer and talk to you?" He asks carefully, Zayn looks up attentively at the guy just so he can be sure everything is okay and if there's any signal of anxiety and concern in Harry's expression, so anything can't end up going badly.  

Louis stays some seconds without making any noise, then he is whispering, almost whimpering, some words that they can't quite understand that makes Harry's heart ache and Zayn want to get near Louis and hold him till the pain goes away. Even if it takes years. But that would only make it worst. But then Louis says "Please." and rests his cheek on his knee, still not looking at his two friends. 

Not wanting to be sure what that  _please_ means, Harry approaches him and looks back at Zayn so he can be sure that Harry actually wants him to be close. 

"You know that right now I'm not able to be without you..." Harry starts after sitting in the bed, resting his hand above Louis' head, just slightly petting his hair and he is still not sure about what he can or cannot do but he wants to think about what Louis needs. "I know that's not what we agreed on, but I need you in my life, Louis. You know that, don't you?" He slides his fingers from his hair to the side of neck. Zayn is next to Harry and he could be feeling some kind of weirdness and discomfort but in reality he doesn't. He keeps his eyes on Harry and what he does, what he says, studying his gestures and truly admiring it. Louis doesn't react like this when Zayn touches him, Louis feels the touch right away and he wants it short, he wants it to just be there for a second just to make sure Zayn is still with him. With Harry it's clearly different. He doesn't react because he wants more of it. He doesn't let Harry to know that it's enough.  

"I think I do." Louis answers, his voice still low and his eyes still outside. 

"Be sure then, little one." Zayn speaks and Harry quickly looks at the side surprised, as well as Louis, who finally raises his head to look at them. "Trust him." Zayn sighs, looking up at he ceiling and scratching the back of his head, as if he isn't believing in what he is saying, but prays that he is right.  

Louis nods and Harry sees how easy it is for Zayn to make Louis see things, realise things and how quickly he is to hear him. "I'm sorry that I'm like this." Louis apologises then, his voice sounding so weak and tiny and he looks so fragile and smaller than he actually is that it makes it all worse for the two listen to him saying those words. "I guess I'm just scared... I'm still scared of all of this." He continues, looking away again. "And hate what I became just because of this fear. I panic a lot, Zayn knows it... so I'm sorry for freaking out, for being so insecure and always think about the worst in the first place." He finishes and it even sounds painful and tough to say it out loud, not that he feels like it's an obligation to do it, but because he knows it's true and he has the need to speak it out loud. 

"Please," Harry grabs Louis' hand in his and intertwines their fingers together. "Don't ever apologise for this, don't make it a big deal." Louis looks at the gesture of their fingers perfectly fitting in the space between them. They still match. "I don't want you to feel like you need to apologise to me for who you are. Only apologise to yourself for not being able to accept it. But... I'm sure you'll reach one day when you won't need any of that, because you'll be one hundred percent okay. It takes time, but I believe everyone reach that state in their lives. And when you feel alone think that you have yourself first and then... then try to go outside till you feel claustrophobic with the crowd and finally, finally unlock your phone and go through your contact's list and call the one your finger stops in. It can be random or you can choose it." And Harry wants to say  _call me_ , _you can call me and you can call me right before you think about having yourself first, right before you step outside into the crow_ d but... that's not the right thing. No. He is saying what Louis needs, even thought it's not what he wants. Because Louis still has more people in his list besides him so if he wants to pick someone else to talk in that moment Harry will accept it. He will because that won't mean Louis had forgotten about him.  

Louis smiles, Louis smiles at Harry and then looks over at Zayn and sees the way he is looking at the green eyed boy and then back to him and keeps smiling till he drops his head, looking at his hand locked with Harry's and smiles wider, almost shyly. And that's all, that's all really because he has no words to describe what he truly wants to say, he doesn't even know how his voice would sound and he sure doesn't want to get all emotional because this whole episode has been a totally mess and really weird.  

Harry squeezes his hand, understanding what is happening and it's good. Very, because his words might have worked out and maybe Louis truly listened to them. 

"Now... Can you come with me to America?" Harry asks and it takes everyone by surprise, literally. Louis' eyes even get brighter and bluer, Zayn behind him looks shocked and he wasn't expecting this. "I wanted to ask you that previously. I can't do it without you, Louis. I really can't do it, I would never be able to see or talk to them knowing I'd be there with no one by my side." Louis opens his mouth but no sound comes out, so he shuts it again. "I don't want to happen what you said. I know they can't make me stay with them, I don't even think they will try it but... I'm afraid of their words. And see Louis, everyone is afraid. I'm afraid, you are not alone." Louis looks over at Zayn, Louis knows Zayn is afraid of lots of things too, even in common with him like his future, his dreams, losing his family, losing Louis... Zayn is almost like Louis but in a smoothly way. 

Zayn nods, kind of answering something Louis didn't even ask, maybe even giving him permission or encouragement. Zayn is there too and Louis already confessed he needed him as well. He trusts him almost as much as he trust Harry. 

"I'm also afraid of that. For you and even... even for me. Going with you, Harry." He shakes his head, reality hitting him. "And are you sure you want to see them I mean –" 

"Yes." Harry answers straight away. "I spoke with Cassie –my cousin," he corrects himself and then cringes. "at the wedding –" 

"Wait, Derek's girlfriend is your cousin?" Zayn asks confused, which Harry nods as an answer. "Plot twist for me." He comments. "Listen, do you want me to leave now? I don't really want to but right now you two –" 

"No," Harry says, Louis had stretched his legs in front of his body, making Harry only rest his hand on his knee. "I need –I need to trust you, so stay." Harry doesn't look at his face but he notices Louis' gaze on him though. "I spoke with her," he continues where he was interrupted. "and she contacted her mother and then mine and she suggested me to go see them, otherwise things would get dark. I knew she was going to do this, but I thought I would feel mad yet, I don't. I only want to talk, I think I deserve it. I want to do this for myself and free myself fully. You don't need to go, especially because I need to go as soon as possible but –" 

"I will." Louis interrupts. "I'm going, I'll be next to you and I'll remind you that being afraid is okay like you remind me. Like you used to remind me when we were younger, even thought you were the one, who needed that reminder. So I'm here this time and I'll do it right." It's Harry's turn to smile, relief and finally his concern vanishes because he turned out to see Louis okay and make him see how worthy he is. Louis instantly smiles back at him, blue meeting green and Harry doesn't even notice the way he is softly squeezing Louis' thigh.  

"If you don't mind I'll go too." Zayn clears his throat before speaking. "You know, just in case and to take care of Louis."  

 

 ~*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » who do you think it has the best attitude towards louis? harry or zayn? do you think what they did was the best? I wasn't thinking about making this chapter like this, it's kind of a mess and weird but i guess lately i can't really set with my first idea for the book.


	26. Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> I do not love you by Ron Dope
> 
> Without Words by Ray Lamontagne 
> 
> Always in my head by coldplay

Louis is in an airplane, he looks out of the small window and kind of wants to puke, he looks at his left and wants to jump out of the plane. He doesn't really know how he should feel, the view makes him see an infinite of achievements, of bright colours, of life, adventure and heaven, but at the same time it makes him overthink. He is flying to America and that brings it to the other side of him. Harry. He is coming with Harry and he feels guilty. A part of him tells him,  _yes, Harry invited you to come with him because obviously he needs you when he gets to see his parents, he can't do this by himself_ ; however, the other part tells him that he should feel guilty. He made Harry feel bad for everything that happened, for panicking, for him leaving and making Louis insecure... Now Louis made Harry feel stuck by his side, not sure if he really wants to run away.  

Zayn isn't with them, he isn't and Louis is still fighting with himself about whether he finds that a good thing or not. He decided to trust Harry, since he showed him that he was trying that as well. Zayn needs to give him chances and in his point of view, Louis trusts Harry his own life so Zayn needs to stop being too overprotective and being good to Louis. Being good with their relationship. And Harry seemed happy that he had this final decision. 

Also, Louis has to go to work in less than a week and he is travelling. Again. Oh, and of course, seeing Harry's parents. The ones that made their life change drastically, the ones who supposedly hated him, the ones Louis tried to avoid the most, the ones Louis hated the most since kid. Yeah, just a normal day. 

So he finds hard actually speak with Harry, making the excuse that it's the first time he is in a plane and feels a bit sick. Not that he is going to puke. Well, maybe because Harry is also too close, smells too good and looks too cute, sleepy and cuddly. Louis wants to rest his head above his shoulder and tell him that he doesn't need to feel nervous, that everything is going to be okay. Because Harry is nervous, Louis sees it in his eyes and in the way he is playing with his ring or his bracelet on his wrist, the way he looks too many times at Louis, almost calling for help but he doesn't know Louis is also doing the same on the inside. 

He decides to shut his eyes and next time he is opening them again, is an hour later with Harry's eyes laid down on him and the sky changed into a different colour. Harry's face takes him by surprise because he looks at Louis as if he was caught doing something Louis wasn't supposed to know. He remembers the times when they used to do this but if Harry ever caught Louis staring at him he would smile, like Louis would, so why this? 

So Louis smiles then, lazily opening his eyes and stretching himself in the seat, because why not? "No need to give me that look." He chuckles then because he feels more relaxed, mainly because in this small space of time sleeping, he didn't have a nightmare, which was a thing he was expecting to have, since his thoughts are just worries and concerns of the next events. "Smile." He keeps his small grin playing on his lips and even though Harry is a bit shocked with it, he does it so and that's good for Louis. He feels all warm and suddenly everything seems okay during small minutes. 

Harry takes one of his earphone in his hand, the one he isn't using and offers it to Louis. He nods and accepts it, putting it in his ear.  _Without Words by Ray_ _Lamontagne_  is playing and he knows this song. He knows it very well. He looks up and Harry next to him and the guy isn't with his eyes in him anymore, he is peacefully looking forward. Louis glances at Harry's phone laying on his lap but it's locked. He waits till the song finishes till it starts another one.  _I do not love you by Ron Pope_  starts and Louis feels like he wants to cry, he also knows this song too well. Harry is listening to the playlist they had for each other.  

While Louis wants to cry, Harry is only smiling, making the older guy want to punch him, which is almost amusing. Last time Louis listened to this song he was at the prom slowly dancing in Harry's arms, whispering the lyrics to each other. Ironic. Louis sees Harry mumbling the words, his beautiful lips moving along the song and he is just stupefied looking at him. 

The green eyes boy looks over at Louis one more time, that same smile playing on his lips while mumbling the song and Louis isn't even listening to it anymore, he tries to listen to it from Harry's voice while his lips move. 

 _And all I know is you're the part of me that keeps me strong_  

 _And what I want is for us to face forever_  

 _Standing up together, eyes turned towards the heaven, arm in arm._  

And this is unreal but Harry mouths those exactly words along the man's voice coming from the small earphone, but Louis literally hears his husky tone, whispering the verse as if they were in a dark room, the only light coming is from the opened window and they need to keep quiet, because the night makes them to, so they whisper. Harry is just lovely and Louis needs to quickly look away, otherwise Harry  _will see_  and he will make the younger guy sing the rest of the song for him. 

~*~ 

They land in the airport and Louis is confused to how they're actually going to do this. They might get lost, Louis has never been in Seattle before and it's not like Harry has been here for the past three years. At first he thinks Cassie might be waiting for them to guide them to where they need to go, she put Harry in this, she helps. But that doesn't happen and Harry might have everything figured in his head but Louis has no clue what is going to happen today. He doesn't know where they're staying, if Harry's parents even know he is here, how they're going to find them, what is Harry going to say, when they're going to leave... it's all so uncertain and Louis realises this isn't even his place, isn't even where he should be. 

He finds this situation too weird, too surreal. It's literally a feeling he can't describe because he doesn't even know how he feels. It's like he doesn't exists and his soul left his body so he isn't really leaving the moment, he doesn't know what is happening.  

He has difficulty to walk and carry the bag with him, but he has Harry right next to him, holding the other strap from it – they've been fucking sharing a bag, Louis feels like he is in the clouds – and they're safe, even though he guesses Harry feels kind of the same way, maybe worse and he isn't really thinking about that. 

"Harry..." he hears himself speaking while they walk out of the airport and it's probably his concern speaking louder. Literally loudly. 

"Yes?" Harry stops walking and looks at Louis to give him full attention. He understands. 

"How... What are we going to do?" He bites his bottom lip and he wants to hold Harry, wants to rest his hand above his cheek, caress his cheekbones with his thumb, because Harry looks so emotionless but anxious at the same time, even though he is trying to cover it. But it isn't enough for Louis not to see it. 

"Cassie gave me an address. My parents... They know." Louis wonders what they're thinking and if when they see Harry his mother will cry and his father feel like his heart is going to fall and then hug him. He knows that won't happen, but it should. And Louis wished to even if at the same time he wants to make Harry turn around and run away from even seeing those people. "I want you to trust me on this." He says after looking away. "It'll be weird, maybe confusing, but I will handle it. I just need to know that you're by my side. Can you do it?" He asks glancing over at him for a moment. 

"Of course." Louis feels the need to answer right away. 

"Thank you." He smiles a little and Louis has to see more of that, but he will accept what Harry gives him for now. 

So they get into a taxi and Harry tells the address, thrice, because at first he couldn't pronounce the street in the right way and then because of his accent and the driver didn't really understand, which is pretty weird but at least it kept them for a little before starting their way to the house Cassie addressed to her cousin – her parent's house, Louis' supposes. Won't it all be inappropriate? The whole thing will be, Harry will just appear after years with Louis next to him. But his parents got divorced so his father will be at his ex–sister in law's house. And why now? Why did Harry decide to come now? Why did Cassie speak to him? 

Louis keeps playing with his fingers, going around with his bracelet on his wrist and biting his bottom lip on the way there, Harry doesn't even notice it when he keeps looking outside the window from the car. Life is playing them a prank, Louis just hopes that now they're smart enough not to fall for it.  

Louis tries to distract himself by seeing the city out of the window, by looking at Harry's profile but everything makes him feel more anxious. Looking at the city reminds him why he is there, looking at Harry reminds him that he is more nervous than himself. He could look at the driver but he kind of terrifies Louis. It makes him think that the ride takes an hour when it only takes twenty five minutes. 

The traffic is claustrophobic and the buildings look taller than he imagined they would be. It's Seattle, not New York, he thinks. The sun kind of blinds him when he looks at the sky, after they get out of the car. Harry pays to the man with the few dollars he has in his wallet and then Louis realises where he is. 

They've arrived, the view is insane and the buildings make Louis own life cost less than his clothes. It makes him see the difference between looking around the buildings from London and now these. They have too many windows, they look too big, too bright... too expensive. He feels smaller than he normally feels, but decides to take a deep breath and shuts his mind completely. He looks at the side at Harry, who has their bag in his hand and notices he is looking up at the same buildings as he is, but not looking as surprised as Louis.  

The taxi has left a while ago and Louis wonders if they've been stood up in the middle of the sidewalk because Harry doesn't recognise the place and thinks they're lost. Well, if they're lost,  _let's go back to London where we belong_ , Louis thinks and he honestly wants to say it out loud but it sure wouldn’t be the best. And he knows, he knows what Harry is thinking about right now and what he isn't, and he isn't thinking about how lost they probably are. 

The blue eyed guy looks down and sees Harry's available hand at the side of his body so he decides to grab it. Not the way Harry held his for the first time after years without holding it again, but the way they used to hold while they walked along the street, long before they thought the same thing, being in love. He intertwines their fingers and when Harry looks at him, Louis keeps looking at the way they still fit in each other so well, which makes the green eyed guy look at the gesture as well.  

Louis feels him squeezing his smaller hand and then hears him taking a deep breathe. "Okay, let's go." He says, his voice soft and small but Louis nods and they start walking in direction to the building, the one with the number Harry saw written on the paper Cassie gave to him.  

The funny thing happens when Harry gives their bag to Louis so he doesn't drop his hand when he has to digit the code to enter the residential area. Louis keeps his eyes locked with the taller man's features because it's so worth it, so worth it to look at the way his face, the shape of his lips and the glow in his eyes change.  

Louis finds too tiring the amount of codes and shit they have to press to actually get to the right floor by the lift and the thing is, in this specific building, apparently it can only live two families. Louis finds more uncomfortable each breathe he gives. When the lift stops they spot the only door available to knock. Even the hall looks expensive and Louis wants to throw up.  

With their hands still locked Harry leads him to the front of the big, white door to ring the bell. "Do it." He says quickly and Louis needs to take a small moment to look at him and ask himself if that's what Harry really wants. If Harry is here by free will or because he finds it an obligation, because he might not really want to do this. Louis was sure he didn't want to do this. "Quickly." 

"Are you sure?" Louis asks carefully. "Are you sure you want to do this? Do you need this?" He emphasis the words he thinks he should.  

"Yes. Yes I need this. Please, Lou." He finally looks back at Louis and fuck, the older guy wished he didn't because that look would make him jump out of the bridge if Harry asked to. So he nods, only nods and rings the bell right away. Harry's grip has gotten tighter and tighter but Louis doesn't dare to protest due the pain, he makes himself be quiet by biting his bottom lip.  

Then the door is opened. 

And Louis has never seen such person.  

So his heart is still beating. But Harry's might have stopped a long time ago. It maybe stayed above the clouds.  

"Harry?" The woman speaks and Louis finds some features that makes him remind someone. Or two  _someone's_ , more precisely. Harry's voice gets stuck in the back of his throat but Louis tries to analyse the woman's expression. She doesn't look mad nor sad... not that surprised either. But she looks  _something_ but Louis doesn't know if it's good or bad. 

It looks like she tries to compose herself and maybe she tries too hard, making Louis frown. He is glad Harry haven't dropped his hand because when she looks at him, he would turn around and leave right away. "Please, come in." She says and won't she hug him? Say something else? She must be Cassie's mother, so she's Harry's aunt. Louis doesn't have the kind of relationship he should have with the rest of his family but damn, his aunt cares for him, she would hug him.  

Louis sees Harry's Adam's apple moving in his throat by gulping in dry and he is honestly yelling  _look at me please,_  with his eyes. But Louis is stupid, because it's not like Harry will listen, and Harry is stupid because he should know that Louis would be yelling if he could, to make him look at his way.  

Harry drops Louis' hand and he thinks that's the moment. That's the moment that everything will start and everything will change. Louis wants to grab it again, make him stay and run away from what is happening, but Louis can't. Louis can't do this, he can't influence Harry, he needs to do what he decides and Louis is here only to support him in whatever he does even if he decides something Louis doesn't like, neither agree on. It's not his place, never was, never will be. 

So Harry starts walking and Louis lets him get inside to do the same and follow him. Harry's aunt, who Louis doesn't recall the name right now, looks at Louis for a moment before shutting the door behind them and then nods at him, and Louis hopes that it's kind of her way to say that it's okay for him to be there. 

They walk through the only two short walls to get into a big, huge room, mixing the dining and living room. It's bright due the big window and it has too white and blue. Louis drops the bag from his hand, he sees two people sat on the enormous couch close to the window and this is when Louis truly needs Harry to hold his hand again so he won't run away. And the moment he needs to be holding Harry's so he can bring him with him. So it's a contradiction and Louis doesn't know which one is stronger. 

Harry's mother stands up from the couch right away, her hand covering her lips while his father keeps sat on the same spot, his fingertips from his hands joined, on his lap and his wide eyes looking at Harry. They look older, very older. Louis thinks older than they should look, especially Sarah. But maybe that's because Louis never really looked at them much and now seeing them is kind of a shock.  

Harry is paralysed next to him, he doesn't move, neither flinch nor Louis thinks that he isn't even blinking, just hopes he is breathing. This is not the feeling like Louis saw Harry for the first time in the café a while ago, this is different and brings different feelings, fears and emotions. Louis dares to say that right now, it's being harder for Harry to see his parents than when he saw Louis by that time. Louis doesn't blame him, he just wished he could do something to change that. 

"Son..." Sarah is the one speaking, almost in agony, along with a sigh and Louis notices that she wants to move but can't find the strength. 

"Don’t call me that." Harry answers rapidly, his voice harsh and Louis recognises the tone. It's the same he used to speak with Harry when he knocked at the door from his flat for the first time, to  _talk._  "I'm not your son." 

Louis shakes his head desperate to speak up his thoughts, but once again he can't do this for Harry. But Harry can't react like this and he needs to understand it by himself, it's all so fucked up it makes Louis freak out. But he won't, he will keep steady for Harry's sake. _For Harry_. 

Sarah opens her mouth but then shuts it again, bringing her closed firsts to his lips again. She doesn't look like she used to and that makes Louis rest a little, unlike David, who Louis isn't quite sure how his person is like. 

"You are not here to fight with us." David speaks and no,  _no_ , Louis doesn't want him to speak. He almost forgot how frightening his voice is. And Harry did too, Harry did because he takes a step back, finally moves. "You're here so we can talk." The old man stands up, Sarah's sister has left to other division. He looks over at Louis and  _oh_ , he is almost falling into his knees, Louis doesn't know how Harry is holding himself for over than twenty seconds. "Louis," David says and he notices how he is trying not to sound too mad. It's incredibly how he recognises him and still remembers his name. Louis thinks it's probably written in a death note. "I think we should talk later, but right now can you please leave us?" 

"No." Harry answers in his turn – but it's not like he was going to say something. "He is staying. You can't tell him to leave anymore."  

"Calm down Harry, please." Louis whispers, in a way that only the two can hear. With his jaw clenched and his fists shut by his side he looks over at the smaller guy. The green in his eyes is almost unrecognisable and Louis knows he needs to be held. He also knows Harry won't cry, he always had this rule against crying in front of people, and with people read his parents. Somehow that's good, but Louis also knows is worst when he cries quietly, on the inside, not shedding any tear. 

"Okay." David says, answering at Harry's comment and maybe that's a start. A part of Louis still wants to leave especially if they will have _the_  conversation in front of him. "Can you sit here?" His father keeps moderating his tone and Sarah stays stood up, in the same position beside him. Harry shakes his head as an answer, his lips in a straight line and pressed together. "Do you have anything to tell us?" 

Louis narrows his eyes, is this man serious? He looks over at Harry and sees that he is about to burst into laughter, but not the kind of funny one, just really the kind of broken one, because this is funny in a sad way.  

"You know what I want to say." Harry continues speaking roughly. 

"Please, say it." Sarah speaks this time, Louis would never imagine her looking so fragile. 

"You two ruined my life and made me live in sadness for years." Harry confesses then, which is not really a confession. Everyone knew it. Even Cassie had said that she tried to understand why Harry left. 

David nods as if he is repeating those words in his head over and over again. Louis hopes he takes them to his grave. "Anything else?" He asks. 

Harry shrugs, making his best not to look at both people some steps away from him. "You were never my parents." he says not as roughly as before. Sarah whimpers but David only nods. Louis is finding this so bizarre, he is lost and there's no way he is going to find himself in here. "I hated you two." It's Louis' time to flinch and being taken back by the words. 

He looks in concern at over his friend. Harry had never said this out loud, maybe to himself, Louis doesn't know, but never confessed it this way. He said once _I also hate them sometimes. Hate is a strong word, I can't say it._ _I hate them a little bit but they're my parents, right?_  He had never said it so directly before, had always showed to Louis that the only thing he felt towards them was sadness, fear and sorrow, because somehow little Harry only wanted to receive the love of his family. Harry doesn't hate people, the new one forgives them. But right now he looks too mad to remember the good words he had heard, the words and situations that made believe in himself. 

"Hated?" David asks, truly looking forward to the conversation, apparently. Sarah only looks like she needs to sit. 

"Yes," Harry keeps his head down and Louis screams _lift your head up, keep your heart strong,_  but no one listens. "You're not worth it my hate anymore. You aren't worth anything for me. I can't do that to myself anymore."  _Ouch_ , Louis shuts his eyes and counts to three. He can't do nothing, he is only here to support Harry, to remind him he has he. 

"Harry," Sarah calls him, her voice small in that big room and being almost swallowed by David's voice. 

"We understand." And  _what the hell_? Louis' eyes get wide but Harry doesn't react to those words. "That's why we want to say we're sorry." Sarah looks up at the man next to her. Harry says nothing, Louis feels like the black sheep around the white ones.  

"David and I are very sorry for everything we've caused to you." Sarah continues, after David nodding at her. "We recognise everything we did, we recognise that we weren't the kind of people we should be to you and to ourselves." her voice fails at one point but she recovers. "It took us the way you left us and a month to realise what we have been doing all our lives. To blame ourselves for everything, because it is our fault." She confesses shamefully. "And Lo –Louis... We own you an apology too. There's so much to be said here, I can't put it in words, right now." Louis can't believe in what he is listening to. She takes a step forward but stops. "Harry, we don't expect you to forgive us. It'd take a lifetime but..." She sighs. 

"We want you to come back and stay here." David completes her and that's when everything drops. Harry too. Louis' heart manly. "It'd be tough. Starting from the zero, trying to recover these pieces we've been stepping on. But it isn't a lost case." Harry starts shaking his head, not really able to manage to form coherent sentences and Louis is speechless, his mind stops working and everything is blurry in front of him. "When Cassie told us about you, everything we've been talking gained shape. We've been thinking about a way to contact you. I can get you a job in whatever you want, you can have a better life here." Harry keeps shaking his head, not letting the bad thoughts come in. 

 _They can't hurt Harry. They can't hurt Harry. Harry won't leave you._  Louis keeps saying over and over again in his mind. 

"Listen, Harry," David continues, clearly understanding Harry's message. "I know what you're thinking," he gets closer. "but me and your mother –" 

"No!" Harry manages to say, David sighs, probably to control himself. 

"We gave ourselves a last opportunity. We're a family now, we're better to ourselves, thanks to you. You leaving opened our eyes, made us want to be a family." Louis is shocked, he literally opens his mouth in shock because he can't be hear and listen to this, let Harry listen to this. 

"Are you saying that he leaving you two was a good thing?" Louis steps in, right in front of Harry as if that way he is protecting him. "That seeing him walk away from your lives brought you good things?" He is almost shouting, the veins from his neck popping out and he realises that he still looks at these two people – now especially David – the same way he did years ago. Still feels the same thing, almost as if they still have the power of everything. "You're literally saying that having Harry in your life, stopped you two to be a family, stopped you two to be good people. This is a disgrace and you should be ashamed to actually say it out loud after everything you've done to him," he points at Harry behind him, "and especially after asking him to come back to your lives." 

"Louis," David gives another step back and he didn't change, the way he looks at Louis didn't change and Louis knows this man would never be able to think about the others around him. "You can't simply come here and say these things. You know nothing right now and we're trying to have a civil conversation." He is almost failing at keeping his temper but that's good, that's good because Louis wants to see how he is still the same man that took his Harry away from his life. That made Harry's life a dark tunnel with no end. 

"You're kidding, right?" Louis laughs dryly, he can almost hear Harry's heavy breathing from behind him. "This is sick. You are the one who knows nothing, don't know how it must cost to a kid being treated badly by their own parents. Looking at his friend hugging his mother and finding it something unusual but envying that. You made that to Harry, you made him feel like he didn't deserve anything because you kept giving him nothing. A bed to sleep, food to eat isn't enough. That isn't being a family and you aren't ready to give him that and it is too late to actually do it." Louis finishes, his voice loud, hardly possible to keep his breathing steady and his nerves in place.  

Sarah looks like she is about to cry and the way David looks at him makes him want to roll his eyes. 

But the old man in front of him opens his mouth to speak, but is quick to shut it when is interrupted by a child running to the room, laughing. Louis' eyes give attention to the little boy going to Sarah's direction with a grin on his lips.  

"James!" Harry's aunt appears, kind of running being it a little but impossible with her heels. "I'm sorry, he ran away." She sighs and walks towards the kid. Louis looks at it confused but mostly intrigued by the scene.  

"Wait," David says before she can pick the boy from the floor. Sarah had her hand above the boy's head, with a small smile on her lips looking at him. Louis would give him two years, no more than three. "Harry, this is James. Your brother." Louis almost breaks his neck by how quickly he looks at Harry behind him, his eyes wide open and his knees shaking. This was such a bad idea, everything was, Harry's eyes are watering, his lips are covered by his hand and he isn't even looking back at Louis. He is looking forward at the people that once he lived with and at the little boy, the younger brother he always wished to have but knew it'd be impossible to because if his parents couldn't love him, how would they love another child? 

Louis is feeling exactly the same way he felt back when he found Harry in the corner of the bathroom, sat on the cold tiles with blood in his wrists. He remembers that feeling, it marked him so much that it'd be impossible to and he was meant to never feel it ever again, because he was meant to protect Harry to never see him in that state. It isn't the same state but Louis sees a fragile Harry in front of him right now and once again, it's his parent's fault.  

"We have a family now. We can do it, you just need to be part of it, where you belong." David completes and okay, Louis doesn't notice anything mean or cruel in his tone of voice but they can't do this to Harry. They can't hurt him anymore, they had almost twenty years to make a good parent’s rule, they had twenty years to realise all their mistakes, but the only thing they did was making Harry getting worse. They were cruel, they don't deserve a second chance because Harry living with them all that time was like giving all the chances of the whole world. They beat the record. 

"I don't belong here." Harry says, not letting Louis speak because if he did, he wouldn't be speaking as nicely as he is. "I can't do this." He is having a break down, Louis knows and he needs to look away from Harry's face because it'd kill him to see him this way. "You couldn’t give me love but now you had a kid? Now you name this a family?" He hears Harry sobbing,  _let's go away, let's go away, let's go away_. "You can't do this to me. You can't simply do this to me. I won't allow it, I can't allow myself to fall for this." Harry continues. Sarah walks towards Harry now not stopping midway and when she reaches Louis, Harry gives a step back and sniffles. "No." His voice fails to him but he continues. "There's no way I can't do this." He says sadly. "I want to, I want to have this family. A real family." _Fuck._  "But I can't. My place isn't here, you couldn't have me all those years, you can't have me now." Louis presses his lips together and focuses his eyes in a place on the floor, controlling himself. The worst of this is that Harry doesn't sound mad anymore, he truly sounds sad. 

"I want to tell you I'm sorry for it, but I can't." Even Sarah's sister looks shocked at the tall figure in her house, surprised at the scene. "You don't deserve it." Louis' feels a hand touching his wrist and otherwise his words the touch is gentle. Surprisingly gentle. "A simple I'm sorry also doesn't work, doesn't fix anything. Louis deserved to hear better." He completes and Louis wants to scream, wants to make everything okay with magic. He believed in it once, but with the time passing he forgot even about the meaning of it. Now, when it's needed, he can't do anything about it. It kills him.  

Louis feels himself being dragged when Harry starts walking, he grabs the bag from the floor and Louis can't do nothing to stop Harry. At the end it's his decision and Louis respects it. Respects it more than he expected he would when he first landed. 

"Harry, Harry please, no." Sarah calls for him and Louis hears the sound from the heels behind them.  "Where are – Where are you going?" She asks carefully and Harry stops in the way, Louis doesn't dare to look back at the woman but Harry does. 

"Leaving. We're staying in a hotel or something." Louis doesn't understand how he is even getting the strength to answer at the question.  

"We will give you money. Let's just –" 

"I don't want your money." Harry spits then takes a deep breathe. "There's nothing else to say."  

"There is, let's –" 

"Goodbye." he opens the door and quickly takes Louis from there, shutting the door strongly behind them. 

And Louis is so glad he came with him. 

~*~ 

The struggle to find a reasonable cheap hotel and that also had a place for them was too big, especially if all that time Harry couldn't say a word directed to Louis. Louis respected it but it was always five seconds away to rip his hair out of his hair. Or Harry's head. 

When they finally find one – not that cheap because otherwise it'd be midnight and they would end up sleeping on the street – the first thing Harry did was getting into the shower, leaving a tired and hungry Louis behind, alone in a hotel room. The view isn't bad so Louis lets it open and lays in the bed, not really knowing if Harry prefers it instead of the couch that turns into a bed, or if they'll end up sleeping in the same one. Is it a habit again? Or it did happen the other times because of the situation itself. 

Louis goes with the first one. It’s part of them. 

So he keeps laid down over the covers, his legs stretched and spread out on the mattress. Too tired to stand up again but too jetlagged to sleep. He doesn't know what to think and he clearly can't. 

When he stops listening to the water running from the bathroom he expects Harry to get out as soon as possible but that doesn't happen. He decides to let it be for more minutes, knowing that it's the time for Harry to be alone with himself and recover with his own advices. Louis undresses himself, throwing the clothes to the corner of the room, looks over at the bag besides the couch too far from him and lets himself fall on the mattress again. This time only his legs are spread out but also his arms. 

Then he listens to the door opening and raises his head to look over at Harry. His hair in front of his forehead, half wet, half wavy; his eyes too red to only coming out from the shower. The grey towel stays around his waist, a little bit below his v–lines and he walks in letting out the steam from the bathroom letting the door open. 

"Do you mind if I just lay down next to you?" Louis feels his cheeks getting hot not only because of what Harry says but also because he looks at Louis just like he caught him checking him out.  

"No." He answers too simply, too quickly but gives room for Harry next to him.  

Harry casually walks to the bed and lays down on the right side, his wet hair rested on the pillow, his hands above his warm torso and the towel around his waist matching the duvet. Louis keeps looking at the side at him, biting his bottom lip because this is too much. They're laid down in a bed, next to each other, half naked. Harry is literally naked under that towel and he... well he is literally naked under his underwear.  

"How are you feeling?" Louis asks, clearing his throat because apparently his voice decides to come out husky and not normal at all. 

Harry  _hums_ and takes time to actually speak. "They had a child." He says and Louis decides it's time to turn around, place his elbow on the mattress and support his head over his palm, facing Harry completely. "Did you see the way Sarah looked at him? And the way David said they were a family?" Louis knows it's a rhetoric question but he wants to answer by sayin _g I did and that was what you always deserved._  "Technically I have a brother now." He laughs, again a broken one and it transmit sadness. "I mean... I don't even think that kid is my brother." Louis sighs and decides to take his hands to Harry’s hair.

"He looked like you when you were a bit younger." Louis dares to speak, softly, curling his lock of hair in his finger. 

"He did." Harry smiles a little. "He had the same light hair. I wonder if it'll get curly one day."  

"Me too." Louis smiles too, only by witnessing that dimple appearing on his cheek. "Why? Why did you want to come here and talk to them, Harry?" Louis asks, a bit sadly, after some seconds of silence. Harry shakes his head the best he can, making Louis stop caressing his hair. 

"I thought I deserved it. One last word. One last explanation. Knowing how they're going without me, knowing how I'd feel when seeing them again. It was them who told Cassie that they wanted to talk to me. I think it makes me feel better." 

"You were crying, Harry. You cried the whole time you were showering." 

"I did." He says, his eyes still focused on the ceiling. "But I feel good. Especially after listening to what they said. Let them be. They're strangers for me and the case is closed. I'm okay." He looks over at Louis and smiles. He simply smiles and Louis feels something warm coming from his tights to his belly. "I really am okay, Lou." He keeps grinning and Louis just focused on that. On his lips. Seeing and admiring how real that smile is and it is in front of him. So close. "Thank you, for real. If it wasn't for you there… You're my life saver, you know that? You're still my life saver, my anchor." Louis is melting in that mattress, melting with Harry's words, with the way he looks at him, with the way he smiles... everything about it makes him melt. It tastes sweetly. "Thank you..." He whispers now, the words coming from his tongue slowly and it goes deep into Louis' veins. 

Harry's green eyes travel from Louis' eyes, the one still focused on his lips, to Louis'. Louis’ thin lips. Louis passes his tongue through them, keeping them wet and he sees Harry gulping, his smile momentarily disappearing.  

"Louis..." Harry lets out, almost as if he was breathless. 

"Harry..." Louis answers, calling him almost in the same way.  

That's Harry's cue. He quickly places his hand above Louis' cheek and presses their lips together. There's no hesitation, there's no teasing, he doesn't take time guiding his lips to Louis', he simply does it. Because he was desperate and because both want it. Want it and missed it. 

Louis is quick to answer and he knows it, he knows how to do it, knows Harry's lips like he knows his own body. They move their lips just like they should without messing up.  

Harry hovers his body above Louis', one hand pressed next to his head while Louis keeps his around Harry's neck. He keeps him still and makes him go further, not letting him go away. And he won't go away.  

He travels his hands along Harry's spine, making him shiver and Louis knows it'd happen because of the way he lets his fingertips touch his skin, and Harry kind of answers by slightly biting his bottom lip to make Louis open his mouth to let his tongue in. Louis always loved the fact that no matter what, Harry would always taste like mint and smell like expensive perfume and that happens and makes him go crazy.  _Crazy_.  

Harry literally has his tongue down Louis' mouth and the only sounds heard on that hotel room is the bed’s normal sounds, their heavy breathing and the sloppy song of their lips together.  

It reaches a point that Louis has to grab Harry's locks of hair behind his neck and push him down, Harry's body falling and pressing against his and yes,  _yes_ , that's the feeling he was looking for. He allows himself to let a louder noise coming from his lips and arching his back up a little. 

Harry has his hands all over Louis, he needs  _contact and contact and contact_. It's never enough, he is warm and home. Louis is home and Harry is the universe, they're the stars and their own world is the sun. 

"Lou..." Harry half moans, not able to contain himself from rubbing himself against Louis' tights and Louis helps it. Louis doesn't fucking mind because himself can't control his movements with his hips, and that only gives Harry more friction. 

"God, Harry." Louis lets out when Harry separates their lips only to kiss his jaw and go along his neck. He sucks his skin leaving traces of wet and red spots in his soft skin. So beautiful and so good. "You still make me so crazy."  

"Yeah?" Harry whispers in his ear then, biting and licking his earlobe.  

Louis' body trembles underneath him and he lets out a sound that it should be embarrassing, half whimper half moan, but really, really pitchy and trying to manage to say "Yeah," But he doesn't, mainly because Harry knows him. 

"The sounds you let out still make me crazy too." He teases smirking, Louis bites his lip almost till he can taste blood. "Want to hear them all the time." Louis can't stop himself from making the same noise again, his hands going around Harry's back and down to the start of Harry's towel. He unrolls it from Harry's waist, letting it fall above him. Harry attaches his lips on the curve of Louis' neck kissing and sucking that place again while Louis takes the grey cloth away from him, to the floor.  

"Please..." Harry whispers in Louis' skin, hot breathe aching in his veins and fuck, Harry starts rubbing himself just above Louis' boner. And Louis feels him fully, he is naked and he wants to look. Wants to check Harry out but before that he wants to ask for permission and ask if this is okay, even though he knows it is. But he can't and he shuts his eyes, takes his head back and opens his mouth in pleasure. "Do you want me to stop?" Harry whispers, his voice weak and low, moving his hips in slow motion and just in the right way. 

Louis only manages to shake his head, holding Harry by his waist and trying to move his own hips on the mattress, along Harry's movements. 

"Good," Louis whimpers moving a bit faster so Harry can understand and mimic him. "So good." 

"It's been so long." Harry says, meeting Louis' hips and going faster, slipping a bit rubbing himself on Louis' belly instead and that's worst, that's much worst for both. Harry feels skin and Louis  _feels_ Harry. "So close to you." Harry whispers and Louis is moaning and he never thought he would be just by dry humping, just by simple movements and being not even fully naked. No one would ever be able to make him like this... unless if he was Harry. Harry can, he knew Harry would be the only one making him feel like this, so needed.  

Louis can't even say a word now, he lets Harry do it, really, right now he could only be watching Harry doing the same on the sheets that he would come untouched in his boxers. 

The contact is amazing and Louis haven't had this in ages, this  _type_. _Harry's type_. 

"Little secret," Harry whispers. Louis as always being louder and moaning small  _hums_  and  _ah's_  every time he felt more of Harry. "These past years I've been touching myself only by the thought of you." Louis moans loudly this time, the image of Harry in a bed or in the shower thinking about him and how they used to touch each other, coming screaming his name, makes him go wild. "You want to touch me, I know you do." Louis sounds like he is crying, especially when he agrees with Harry. "But I won't let you touch me." He says and takes Louis' wrists in his hands and presses them next to his head, against the mattress.  

"Harry..." Louis cries, his eyes still shut all this time, missing the way Harry is smirking but at any more movement, biting his lips or shaping his lips into an " _o_ ".  

"Close. So close." Harry moans, rubbing himself just above Louis' hard member, faster and when Louis is about to moan again he presses their lips together. "I'm gonna come." he warns Louis, tightening his grip in Louis' small wrists, feeling in one of them the bracelet he has matching.  

"Please do." Louis manages to say and it's really quick but Harry is loud. The loudest Louis had ever heard him. When Louis feels a warmer liquid in his skin and it's probably the drop of water to him because he is coming, almost painfully in his underwear. 

Harry is still enjoying himself above him, his lips slightly touching their usual place, his breathing unsteady and Louis is shocked about what just happened. And what is happening because he has a naked Harry on top of him and  _come_  in his belly. 

"I'm sorry." Harry groans looking a bit down, the grip on his wrists hardly there so Louis takes the opportunity to release himself. "So sorry..." And he isn't only apologising for coming above Louis, he is sure. 

"Hey," Louis says and grabs Harry's face, his hands in both his cheeks, making him look at him and fuck, it's been a while since he stared at this man looking like this, flushed and so in trance. "It's okay." He smiles. "It's so okay."

 

 ~*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » this chapter was a roller coaster, i swear. sooooooo , do you think harry truly wanted to see his parents? what are your thoughts about david and sarah's suggestion? and what do you think about louis saying it's okay at the end?


	27. Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Friends by Ed Sheeran

There were many, many times that Louis had woken up with a boner till it came the day Harry had caught him after having a very interesting dream about him. There were many, many times that Louis had felt that urge to kiss his best friend, with shining green eyes and pinkish lips till the day he got the courage to do it for real and he felt real, alive and free. There were many, many times that Louis had told Harry he loved him, sometimes not even knowing the meaning he had put on those words to himself, till it came the day he said it and Harry understood the real meaning, it wasn't just as a best friend. There were also many, many times that Louis had cried for Harry and wishing having him there next to him till it came the day he cried when he actually saw him again after years. 

It's not a sad night, at least Louis thinks, but he looks up at the ceiling from the unfamiliar room and doesn't understand how he feels. How he should feel. If it'd be selfish to feel bad, worried and anxious or if it'd be too much to feel radiant. The reality of this is that he doesn't know anything. Till today he hasn't thought about Harry in any different way - at least not drastic way - he only saw him as an angel that had fallen from the sky, landed in front of him and blessed him with his presence, because he needed to, nothing else. He was happy just to have his lost love in front of him, being able to speak with him and feel warm with the rays of sunshine his presence would provide.

But what had happened these past weeks was... interesting and unexpected. Harry had kind of confessed to him, he had kissed Harry and got too close to him as well in this hotel room and till here he hasn't thought about his deep feelings towards the younger guy. He hasn't, he hasn't been asking himself question, wondering about his feelings, talking to his conscience and fighting with himself because once again, it is not right.

Is it still not right? 

Louis didn't ask himself that question yet but Harry had taken over the duvet, next to him, leaving Louis with his bare chest exposed and his mind feeling the breeze, if he can use that play of words, so it's all at its favour to wonder, questioning, think and over think and that's not good. He has a warm and naked body almost pressed against him, on his right, the immense lights coming from the window, slightly illuminating that same person and making him look like flames and Louis wants to touch it. He can get burn but he wants to touch it besides the pain and injuries it can give him.

He taps his fingertips above his torso, one leg covered and the other above the sheets just because it gives him the right temperature. Harry snores a little but his expression looks pacific, happy and his hair is all messy and maybe it needs to be washed but that's the dangerous part, because Louis wants to wash it for him. Louis thinks the contact they had wasn't enough and it is all coming down for him, all the pervert and dirty thoughts he shouldn't be having are hovering his head. All the thoughts he couldn't find himself having about anyone else and thought he had become someone who didn't enjoy it anymore, because sharing something so deep, giving his body to someone else, only felt disgusting, only made him hate himself. Now it disappeared with Harry's smell on his pillow case.

And he wants that smell all over him. Wants to have power but also wants to be controlled. And he wants to intertwine their fingers together and kiss his lips softly. He wants to taste him. Wants to know him again. Wants to have Harry's touch and wants to have everything from him. Wants to give him the world and make him see fireworks. The same fireworks but also make new ones, better ones.

Louis wants to be laid down on messy and dirty sheets, wants to be naked and be sweating, wants to be held, wants to be marked, wants to give and get, wants his knuckles white, wants his lips to bleed, wants to roll his eyes till he sees his brain, wants to moan and make moan, wants to have his limbs aching but the aching of wanting more will always overtop it. So he wants more, wants everything and wants it all from Harry. Beautiful and hot Harry.

It's fucking hard. It's hard controlling himself after not having for so many years this, him, he sees Harry showing his trust, his lust and he becomes obsessed again. Becomes needed again so there's no way he can just turn off the switch that makes him have his own body to himself when he sees Harry, because he wants to share it. Wants to trust it in his hands. 

That didn't change. 

He feels his breath getting heavier and heavier, his thoughts getting deeper and deeper - literally - and Harry's back is so strong, his skin so glowing, his hands so big, his voice so raspy, his lips so kissable and he was once called his. Louis was once his. So his. 

Louis was once inside of him as well. And he was so tight, so perfect, so focused on being good to Louis and only to Louis. He has Harry's face printed in his memory and it's now so detailed that he is going nuts.

He can't really move from his spot, not only because it's comfy and there's no way to go really - especially with the bad lightening - but also because he is paralyzed there. His brain doesn't let him leave that bed with warm sheets.

He feels hot, his cheeks are probably flushed and he tries to casually look at the side where Harry is fully asleep, just to make sure. He slides his hand down his chest, teasing himself with his fingertips - and aren't his nipples still so sensible -, making himself shiver, till he feels his boxer's waistband. They're a clean pair but Louis feels already so nasty that it was just useless.

He dares to start touching himself above his underwear fabric and oh, oh, he isn't only so hard again but also still so sensitive. It makes him immediately let out a groan, biting his lip to shut himself up, his eyes shut in shame but he keeps grabbing his length above the fabric and bumping it, fully. It's not enough, it's actually nothing, but his heart is beating so fast, especially when Harry moves next to him to move from his position and of course, he changes from being belly up to lay on the side. Louis' side.

He is so fucked, but the adrenaline is such that his hand travels to the inside of his boxers and he feels himself. He grabs his own length in his hand, lets his head fall back arcing his spine off of the mattress and the contact is too much for him, he almost forgot how good it feels because when was it the last time? There wasn't a moment he actually felt like doing it, it wasn't enjoyable but now... he feels different, like when he was a teenager and was discovering his body. Louis is doing that. Again. At age twenty six. With his childhood friend next to him. 

Just a normal sleepless night.

Or not, really. 

Perhaps is the adrenaline and also maybe because he had a touch from Harry just a couple of hours ago and he enjoyed, he enjoyed so much... that it's feeling so good. It feels amazing and Louis is insane, probably out of his completely mind but he is forgetting how dirty this feels. He thinks about Harry, his words and the little secret. 

These past years I've been touching myself only by the thought of you.

And that makes him relax even more because if Harry did without his permission, he can do it too. It's almost the same thing. Almost.

Harry was right also, he wanted to touch him. He wanted to get his hands on Harry, fully and remind him who can make him finish hard and good, like Louis can. So he thinks about it, thinks about how it feels and how Harry enjoys and moans for him. Moans his name.

It makes Louis enjoy too. 

Harry next to him makes a little noise during his sleep and oh my god, Louis sees the stars because that was cute, yes, but at the same time Harry can sound hot and sexy as well. It also reminds Louis that Harry is naked with only a sheet covering his shirtless body and it turns it all to be worse.

Or better.

The sounds you let out makes me crazy too. Want to hear them all the time.

So Louis moans, not loud, but just loud enough and just like the way Harry likes it. He goes faster with his hand, rubbing his head with his thumb also to spread the pre-come along his length to be easier and better. He feels like needing more and more but he thinks that everything he ends up doing won't be enough.

Harry had asked him if he wanted to stop, but Louis didn't answer him correctly because damn, he wanted him to keep going forever, to give him more, for them to go further. To kiss him more, touch him more, mark him all over, become one just for a little bit but that it felt like forever, an eternity.

"Yes, please..." He whispers and it's all part of his fantasy where Harry is above him and doesn't quite makes him his slave but almost. Almost because Louis is the one to offer himself and he wants it good. "More." He breathes out, looking by the corner of his eyes at Harry next to him, his lips are parted and his neck exposed, Louis wants to bite and suck his skin. "Yours, I'm all yours." He continues and he feels so brave, how is it possible?

He pushes his hair out of his forehead when he moves from his length down to his balls massaging them and trying to remember just the way Harry used to do and knew it got Louis mad. He also thinks about his lips, those plump and red lips. His watery eyes looking up at Louis while being between his legs.

He grabs a fist of the sheets in his hand and moans again a bit louder. "Harry," He is almost out of vision, he presses his eyes together, strokes his length again, slowly and then fast, but right now he isn't strong enough to tease himself. "Want you so much." He breathes out, spreading out his legs a bit more, feeling the cold air hitting his skin and it makes it feel better. He moves his hips along his hand, the same speed, his hand grabbing his length all around but he knows Harry's hand would grab and stroke him better. He focus on that. "It feels so good. You're so good." He keeps moaning and it's insane. He curls the ends of his toes, his mouth is half opened and his throat and lips are dry. "Close. Do it good baby." He grabs tighter the sheets in his hand, imagining it to be Harry's hair. "Make me come. Please." He whimpers and Louis was always the loud type and maybe that's why he is talking so much, because he can't actually be loud right now. Is close to be a strategy. "Plea - ah," he lets his mouth fall open no sound actually coming till he gives up and it almost sounds like he is crying, but at the same time everyone would distinguish it as a moan. 

Louis feels the warm liquid in his hand and shit, he hasn't done this in a while and now he just came twice in a period of less than twenty four hours. And hard, he came hard. While still enjoying himself he bites his bottom lip, finally shutting his parted lips and they almost curve into a smile by how good it feels. He just slowly and clumsily moves his hand up and down, his leg flinching with the feeling by how sensible he became. 

His chest goes up and down quickly by his heavy breathing and his skin is glowing. He is glowing. He tries to recover from the moment and finally opens his eyes, a bit wet by the episode.

"Lo -Louis?"

"Fuck," he half shouts, the whole shock, when he looks at his side to Harry, makes his body move to the left quickly, falling over from the bed pulling a bit of the sheets with him. The noise is so loud that it kind of covers the fact that he groans in pain... but also in frustration, maybe even shame and the feeling of what the fuck were you thinking, Louis Tomlinson?

He almost wants to cry, his heart hasn't recover yet but it probably won't. He is going to have a heart attack right here, but, fuck, he wants the floor to have a hole so he can fall and hit the first floor from the hotel. 

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god." He whispers under his breathe, his hands covering his face and he isn't even making any effort to get up, he just keeps his back pressed on the uncomfortable carpet, which it hurts as well as his feet since it hit the side of the bed, and that's it. He is going to decompose there maybe.

"Louis are you - wow, Lou..." Harry says and he sounds breathless and with that morning voice, which should be illegal because it's probably what? 3am? It's not the time to have that husky and sexy voice. Louis can't fucking handle this right now. "You were," he breathes out. "fuck, so hot... Can I... Louis I -"

"Shut up!" Louis manages to shout. Shout. He is in pain, embarrassed and mad but manages to make a strict tone as an answer to Harry's rambling and possible the bigger regret of his life.

"But I... I want to touch myself so badly after this." And what the actual fuck? Louis just fell out of bed, Harry should just pretend he didn't see anything, but he isn't. And is making it all worse, leading to Louis' temper get a bit... cold. He is feeling so uncomfortable right now that when listens to those words he quickly stands up and gets closer to him, not really sitting on the mattress, not getting near close to it, but he puts his hands in front of Harry and shuts his eyes, in shame and discomfort, as a signal to make him stop. 

"Please, no!" He doesn't sound mad, he almost sounds broken and this can't be happening. Louis feels like he is going to vanish. "Don't say that. Don’t do anything." And he can't even dare himself to ask since when Harry was watching, if it was right after Louis looked over at him, then he saw a lot. A big lot. "I beg you..."

"Louis?" Harry calls him in concern and Louis can't look at him, can't face reality and he just regrets the fact of having hormones and deciding to feel like this tonight. He acted without thinking. 

Louis feels Harry's hands resting above his but he quickly denies the touch and turns his back around to sit on the floor again, his back against the bed. He takes his knees up close to his chest and covers his whole face with his hands - so dirty, he feels dirty, he smells dirty.

"I can't believe you just saw that." He mumbles, not with the aim of Harry listening to it, otherwise what happens. "I feel so... Shit, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did it. You were sleeping, you were supposed to be sleeping." He keeps mumbling, his voice sounds a bit muffled with his hands, his body is all shaking and when Harry moves to turn on the lamp from the bed side table, Louis kind of screams, more like half screams, half groans in protest and he wants to run away from there, maybe lock himself in the bathroom... everything that keeps him away from Harry now would be great. 

"Hey, you don't need to -" he hears Harry and that makes him cover his ears with his hands, whispering no, no, no to block the sound. Harry is still talking and he listens to the green eyed boy saying his name, though he doesn't dare to touch Louis and he keeps rejecting listening to his words.

But seconds pass, long seconds and Louis feels a small and soft touch on his bare ankles. With his breathing sounding like he is afraid of something, he slowly looks up, his hands still above his ears and sees Harry. Harry with the concerned face Louis got used to but the pacific and tender one as well that Louis is so found of and that can always relax him, even he already feels like he is, he will always feel more. 

Louis, he reads Harry's lips, they part a little and then almost pouting a bit, his tongue slightly touching his front teeth and it brings to the older guy flashbacks from the day he saw him for the first time in the coffee shop. 

Louis keeps staring at the beautiful man till he decides to rest his hands on Louis' to take them away from his ears. Louis misses the warm touch in his ankles. "What are you feeling?" And it’s a normal and simple question, really, but Louis is taken by surprise with it because it's not usual, he wasn't expecting this kind of question being asked first. 

But Louis only has strength and courage to shake his head as an answer.

"Louis, you know there's no need for you to feel like this." Harry says then, his tone transmitting his concert and Louis wants to say but I didn't even answer to your question, you don't know how I am feeling, because Harry doesn't know. He can't possibly know how he is feeling, he might know most of the times - always really - but not about this. "It's me, Harry." He looks into his blue eyes, his hands sliding down Louis' legs till touching his ankles again, drawing invisible circles with his thumbs there.

"I know..." Louis decides to talk, weakly and slowly.

Harry nods, his lips not in a straight line anymore. "Good."

"It just makes me worst knowing it's you." Louis says, breaking down completely, not that he is going to cry but his heart, his soul, his conscious it all falls down, it leaves him and he feels lonely but at the same too heavy to handle himself.

"Why?" Harry takes one of his hand to rest it on Louis' cheek, but the blue eyed boy tries to pull away and look at the side, only to make Harry make him look back at him and not letting Louis pushing him away. "Louis, why?"

"I don't do this, Harry. I don't like it anymore." He confesses and Harry takes his hand away from Louis by free will, observing him attentively as if like that he would find the answers for his questions at the moment. 

"You don't..." Harry starts, confused, he is so confused and Louis is terrifying with this whole situation, with himself as well. "But previously we... we shared something, Louis, that was something."

"I know," Louis says too quickly. "we did, don't get the wrong idea, please. I just..." he sighs and pushes his fringe back, sinking his fingers in his scalp, in frustration. "I don't want to talk about this. Don't make me." He says then, seriously and tries to stand up, he is so ready to leave. Not only the floor but the room and Harry's side. 

Harry doesn't let him though, Harry takes his arm and makes him sit down again, not allowing him to run away. "Louis," He says severely and is the first time Louis hears such tone coming from the green eyed guy. "we're talking about this. That's what you need, speak to someone and actually be listened. You need to." He continues, looking seriously and speaking slowly in a way to focus his point and be understood. Louis kind of looks at the guy in front of him in surprise, then changing his gaze from his face to the way his hand his grabbing his arm. Harry lets him go then, but in a way that makes his fingers slightly brush his skin, tenderly, otherwise his grip and voice. "Talk to me. I feel like I did something wrong and you think there's something wrong with you. That is not okay." He finishes, his tone quite different and softer this time.

Louis gulps in dry, he wants to look away from Harry but he actually isn't able to, similar to something pulling his attention towards the taller guy. Louis can't even notice to the small details and features he would, from Harry. He is looking but not seeing. "You did nothing wrong..." But then... then after these words Louis looks down and green misses blue but the wave from the ocean doesn't come back. Harry wished it would take him with it. "You did everything right. Everything." Louis confesses, a small smile appearing on his lips. "I don't want you to think I didn't like it." quietly Louis grabs Harry's hand and puts it on his lap, playing with his fingers and the bracelet on his wrist. "Because I did, Harry. I did like it so much, it felt so good." He sighs. "But I think that was it... I didn't feel like this way for so long, I didn't want to do this anymore, any kind of sexual interaction... It felt dirty to me."

"But why? What made you feel this way?" Harry dares to ask when Louis keeps looking at their fingers clumsily intertwined but not moving them anymore.

The older man flinches a bit with the question but after biting the inside of his cheek he answers. "I didn't do it with many people. These type of things..." He says, too ashamed and embarrassed to even name it. He feels so young, it's pathetic. "We talked about it already. No one ever hurt me, I promise. It was me. I couldn't enjoy it and the other person always made me feel bad about it. Because I faked it, because I wasn't doing it right or because I didn't look like I was enjoying it. And they were right, I wasn't. I was trying too hard." he lets go Harry's hand and instead of looking down, he looks at the side to where the door from the bathroom is. "I also felt like they were using me, because it'd make them feel better being with someone else while drowning their pain on me. I was already suffering so much but it was like they were throwing their problems at me. So I stopped, I didn't even think about it, I didn't even feel like doing it myself. That's why now I reacted this way, because it's been so long, I didn't have the courage to do it for so long that I don't know what got in my mind. Suddenly I was enjoying it, I felt like touching myself but..." He stops.

"Bu -But?"

"Did you want to do that with me? I mean, we didn't do much, but it was something." he looks at Harry, whose eyes go wide but then frowns a little with the words Louis speaks. "I felt something and I feel like freaking out -"

"Don't." Harry says then. "Lou, why are you even asking me this?" He looks at the guy in front of him in a lovable way, familiar even. It shows such kindness, respect and concern that Louis might explode.

"Because you were sad about your parents and all that. Maybe you wanted to feel better, like the others used to. But this time I enjoyed it and it hurts to think that way." He covers his face with his hands, his voice failing. "And because it's you... it hurts."

"Oh, Louis..." Harry says sadly, quickly bringing the smaller guy closer to him, making him rest his face on his bare chest and it's warm and it sings a song because Louis can hear his heartbeat. It's beating for him. "My sweet, sweet Louis. I would never do such thing to you, my love. I would never, god..." Harry rocks his body back and forth, brushing his hand along Louis' arm, saying those words in his hair. "I respect you so much, I care so much for you. So precious, you're so precious... I wouldn't betray your trust, I would never use you. I told you I was okay. You know why? Because you helped me, after all this time you're still so perfect to my eyes, with all your flaws and virtues, you're perfect. Breathe, Louis, breathe for me." He continues and Louis feels like crying but he also feels like it's such a shame allowing wet tears to fall for these words, they deserve better and Louis isn't sad to start crying. "It felt so good, Louis. I felt so close to you, even if we didn't go all the way. But I'm glad we didn't. We aren't ready and we don't need to do it. Not when you feel like this." He puts his hands on Louis' forearms and makes him look up at him. "And I didn't know about this. From now on please tell me what's on your mind. Right away, tell me. I can't read your mind Louis, I need to know what your feelings are." Louis looks attentively at the boy in front of him, he opens his mouth and words almost come out, but he stops midway and shuts it again. "Please, tell me..." Harry encourages him and it's like he has hope written on his eyes, because that's the way he looks like. He looks like he has hopes.

"Would it be weird if I fell for you all over again?" Louis asks, trying to be as normal as possible but his tone betrays him a little when it sounds weak and maybe too emotional.

Harry's lips twist into a smile and there it is, the two dimples so deep in his cheek that they almost look like they were sculpted there. "No," he shakes his head along his answer. "because I never stopped falling, so I'll be at the end to catch you." 

Louis starts laughing, only because he can't answer at this properly, he has no words, he doesn't have vocabulary to do such thing that implies so much from the universe. "That was so cheeky, you dickhead." He slaps Harry in his bare arm, the sound of skin slapping skin bursts around the room.

"Ouch," Harry jokes, bringing his hand to the slight red area in his forearm and making a face expression as if he was in pain. Louis keeps laughing, more like giggling and doing the thing, covering his lips with his fist and the crinkles by the corner of his eyes making their appearance.

"Don't be so dramatic." Louis keeps with his grin in his face - the Harry's grin - and slaps him again. Harry groans and protests, not saying a thing with sense so Louis only keeps laughing, his back still pressed on the side of the bed.

"Stop it, Louis!" Harry protests, in a childish tone, when Louis pushes him by his chest, teasing.

"Why?" Louis asks and he sees, it's like this since he remembers. They used to do this, playing around and starting this when the moment got too serious and they need to break the ice, it'd always end up like it does next. Louis goes to press his hands on Harry's chest, pushing him in a stronger way now, but this time the younger guy grabs his both wrists in time and takes Louis with him when he loses balance and falls back on the floor.

Louis lets a little squeal leave his lips and his chest then hits Harry's, warm skin feeling warm skin and they're literally face to face. "Because." Harry smirks, still answering at what Louis supposedly asked previously. "Hi." He says then, Louis attentively looking at his face while he only keeps smiling warmly. 

"Hi." Louis answers, feeling his cheeks getting red, he is feeling too much, they're too naked and oh my god, why does this feels like they're back at being teenagers? But why isn't Louis behaving like he used to? Why is Harry doing his roll?

His big hands grab Louis' waist, holding him still and closer - how is it possible? - he keeps with that cheeky smile on his pink and plump lips and Louis feels like rolling his eyes. And he actually does it because Harry is being so smug of himself it's pissing me off. Not because he is being like that but because he has reasons for it.

"What?"

"You're an asshole." Louis says, otherwise his playful smile he is being serious. Well... trying to. He presses his hands on Harry's chest, ignoring the way his skin feels on them and pulls himself up, sitting on the guy's lap.

"You look good like that." Harry says literally checking Louis out, his naked torso so exposed to him, his hands still pressed on his torso, now on his belly, his blue eyes a bit glossy from previously, his lips redder than the usual and his hair just messy, soft and perfect.

"Asshole, I repeat." Louis says, trying his best not to look down at Harry. He tries to leave now but Harry doesn't allow that, he grabs his wrists still in place again, but instead of pulling Louis down with him, he pulls himself up. Louis almost falls back, his back too close from the bed, Harry with his legs almost all spread out but with him between them and they're too close. Too close for their health.

"I want to kiss you." Harry drops Louis' wrists, in a way of saying that he isn't stopping neither making him doing anything. Instead, he only pulls one lock of hair out of the front of his face, taking the opportunity to brush his knuckles on Louis' cheekbones. Louis nods. Louis simply nods and Harry smiles a little. "Yeah?" he looks into Louis' eyes, his hand still above his red cheek. "Then do it." He continues. "So I can be sure. So you can be sure."

Louis doesn't know how many times he had examined Harry's face - body, appearance, personality, - but it's not like he gets tired of it. So he does it, takes the opposite hand of Harry's towards his cheek and with his thumb he draws Harry's lips. It's so sweet, such a lovable gesture that it makes Harry kiss his finger when he feels it above them. Louis can't drop his genuine smile and turn off the light from his eyes.

"Harry..." He whispers as if the green eyed boy's name was a secret and only he was allowed to know it and speak it.

"Louis..." He chuckles, answering him.

"I'm going to kiss you then." Louis laughs along him, but it's still soft and quiet. It's just perfect, the whole scenario is. Harry nods and Louis draws his bottom lip one more time, going to his cheekbones and pulling his hair back from his forehead. 

He leans over, his lips already hovering Harry's, both feeling the hot breathe from the other, but Louis kisses the corner of his mouth instead. Not letting the guy feel disappointed he kisses the tip of his nose and then his jaw, along to his chin and back to the other corner of his lips.

Louis puts his arms tightly around Harry's neck, his hands managing to grab a little bit of hair from the back and their faces still keep really close. So close and soon not having any space when Louis finally joins their lips together and tastes Harry. 

Kissing him slowly, enjoying it and Harry is also so into it that the one hand on the back of Louis' back and the other above his thigh. There's nothing beyond this kiss though, just memories being shared and gestures being given.

They stay there kissing for long minutes, till their lips are swollen, very red and plump, till they're out of breathe and their bodies too hot to tolerate. They go back to bed, same position, no touching but really close. Harry with his back facing Louis and Louis looking up at the ceiling still with the taste of Harry in his skin.

"You know," Harry speaks. "Friends don't sleep in another bed and friends don't kiss me like you do." And Louis knows he is smiling, that's the reality, which makes Louis smiles too. Silently chuckling because fuck, who was he kidding he is not in the situation if I fall for you, he didn't feel indifferent with the way Harry said I never stopped falling. He knows he will be there to hold Louis, helping each other to deal with the fact that they're two, but one complement the other, making it better. 

That's just wonderful and Louis wants to hold Harry too. So he rolls over to the side, gets closer from Harry's back and decides to cuddle, making sure their bodies are pressed and there's no space. They're free but not alone, so Louis cannot be the two, so he guesses he can be free and happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 》got a bit carried away with this chapter, i don't even know what happened and why but i hope it was okay? So what's your thoughts about harry and louis' feelings now? Do you think they are ready to keep with their relationship and develop it into another level? What might Louis be feeling towards this whole situation?


	28. Wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Photograph by Ed Sheeran
> 
> Flowers in your hair by The Lumineers
> 
> I will wait by Mumford & Sons

Louis doesn’t really know how it happened but suddenly he is in London again and on his way to work. He had come back from America with Harry the previous day and he might feel relieved to finally be back home, but he is also feeling different. Weirdly different.

But going a little bit back in time to the morning after everything, meaning _everything_ happened and he woke up. Harry was next to him, making the first thought from the day being the luck he got to finally wake up in peace with Harry actually next to him. That had never happened before. Well, it didn’t happen in years. So he just started looking at him for a little, which was weird, but didn’t make him uncomfortable, much less made Harry because he was sleeping with his mouth opened and snoring loudly. He just needed to start drooling and it’d be perfect. Not beautiful but Louis was smiling like the asshole he is and _thinking what a beautiful bigger asshole I am sharing the bed with_.

Then Harry woke up, around eleven o’clock and Louis actually wonders if he is the same guy who would go for his morning run at seven. He looked sleepy, cosy and warm. Louis wanted to kiss him right there. But he didn’t. Why? Because Harry was the one leaning over, cupping his cheek with a smile on his face and joining their lips together. It was slow but quick.

And when was the last time Louis had this kind of greeting by the morning? He fucking missed it. And afterwards they spent the whole day in bed, eating the food and drinking the small bottles of alcohol (Harry drank the most of them) and then water (Louis kind of drink, see) from the small fridge from the hotel room, just talking, literally, they just talked and maybe shared some lazy kisses and that was their morning and evening.

After a shower – not together though, which was a shame – they decided to go out and walk around the streets till 2am, losing themselves thrice but at least they saw a little from the city. Only to come back to the hotel since they had to be up by six to go to the airport. Louis should have known that Harry had only planned to stay there two days, not sure about what would happen but at least he had the date to come back.

So that happened and kissing each other became a habit too so Louis doesn’t understand what is going on, especially when he sees Liam and Zayn flirting right in front of him and almost eating their faces with their eyes while they eat lunch together. He wants to puke, but at least Harry appears – because of course they went to the coffee shop – and smiles, attends their orders and that’s everything Louis needs. Not to understand the meaning of this, the meaning of his life at the moment but to feel good about it. He looks around and he actually sees things as they are, he sees in colour and not in black and white anymore.

Eventually they go back to school and Louis wants to tell them _I already know you two are together so please kiss and break the tension_ , but he doesn’t because he knows it’d only make Liam blush too much and Zayn find it too cute and he is trying to be the calm type, even though they’re disgusting him.

He is strong.

That’s why when he gets in his classroom – half running to get away from beside the two only people from this school he calls friends – he literally sinks in the chair from the piano and drops his bag on the side making it a loud noise. He is almost out of breathe, meaning he will consider starting to go for runs with Harry.

 _Harry_.

Louis is smiling. Louis just suddenly starts smiling by thinking about that name, that person, then it turns out to be a full grin till he is laughing, basically at himself, by himself, throwing his head back on the chair till he can spot the roof from the room. It’s insane, he feels like going crazy, this isn’t normal. His life is strange but he is finding himself liking it. Just a little bit, there’s still a lot to learn.

In the room it breaks another noise besides his laugh and when he looks forward to see where it comes from, Jonathan is already stood up there watching him.

Louis cleans the small tears that were threatening to fall from laughing and tries to compose himself. Failing a bit, but it’s _whatever_. “Hi, I’m sorry.” He takes a deep breath and tries to give the impression that he is a sane teacher to his student. Jonas knows he isn’t already, so it’s useless and he gives up when the kid cracks up, smiling and even chuckling. “Is your life being strange too?” He decides to ask, after all he is almost that boy’s shrink, honestly.

The boy nods, making his few curls falling to the front of his forehead, he drops his bag on the floor lazily and sits on his spot, still with the same grin placed on his lips.

“Life can be good for us once in a while.” He says and Louis’ smile changes from amused to one that expresses fond and kindness. “We should embrace it, Mr Tomlinson, not calling it _strange_.”

“Oh but I do both.” Louis jokes, adjusting himself in his chair and looking at the kid sat in front of him, still with a similar smile playing on his lips and “Because what do they say? You don't get explanations in real life, you just get moments that are absolutely, utterly, inexplicably odd.” Louis finishes, trying to reminding the quote he once read. Jonathan looks at his teacher attentively only to smile again then.

“Very inspiring, Sir.” Louis notices the young boy’s mocking tone, but laughs anyway so at the end there are two people laughing in the small room that it might or might not make a little bit of echo.

“So how’s your life besides being strange but good?” Louis asks, putting his foot above his opposite thigh as a way of crossing his legs.

“Just that. Strange but good.” The kid looks happy, too happy and Louis can’t stop himself from smiling, his face is literally glowing with the shine of his eye and the kindness that his smile transmits. “You know, there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. William Shakespeare. So I made it be good.”

“Are we using quotes to speak with each other today?” Louis jokes but hell, what is this? This feeling that makes him feel warm as if he was sunbathing on the beach but at the same time fresh as if he was swimming in the ocean. Both things he hasn’t done in a while so it makes it so much more nostalgic, yet special and overwhelming.

“Maybe.” Jonathan chuckles and he drops his head, Louis would feel worried if he wasn’t still grinning. He knows that feeling, Louis can actually recognise what he is seeing, there’s so much happiness, so many good thoughts in the kid’s brain that is becoming heavy to carry it. However, he won’t throw anything away. He is a keeper. “Thank you very much, Mr Tomlinson.”

“Really? For what?” Louis smirks, he is teasing, he is like this always with his students and he actually loves the relationship he built with them along the year. Especially with this one student, he knows it’s not usual, Zayn usually says _your students are your students, they can’t be your friends as well_ , and isn’t he right? He is. Louis knows, but Louis is human and he had been noticing that this is how he is. This is how he became, someone who at any time, any opportunity he gets, he will make people close to him. He will make people remember and think about him, because he needs it. He needs people to like him or he’ll feel too lonely, too empty. It’s wrong, but he knows it’s not as unhealthy as it seems. So it’s all right, he accepts it.

“For… you know…” He struggles with his words, now playing with the shoe laces of his converse, since he is sat Indian style.

“I don’t think I do.” Louis continues and the kid laughs a little.

“For your words, our conversation,” Jonas raises his head, showing his green eyes to Louis and yes, he knows, since the beginning, why he wanted to get along with this kid. Curly hair, green eyes, not much of a talkative person but very, very talented and smart. “It always helps me, it doesn’t make me feel lonely when I think I am lost in this place. You make me think sir, make me want to have a clear vision from the world. That’s wonderful and my life is full of problems, you might think that it’s normal for a teenager, they probably aren’t real problems,” Louis would never think that way, but Jonathan doesn’t really know. “but they are for me and I struggle a lot. But you Mr Tomlinson, you make me feel relived because there’s always this one chance, this one moment that everything will be okay, or will have a medium state. It means a lot to me, it’s good that not all teachers are here to put us down, or to teach us what is only written on a book. You teach me how to live too and I think that’s what school should be. Not only maths, languages, sciences, but also discipline and to handle the future. Because we are meant to learn it alone sometimes and it’s so hard. You make it seem easy.” He finishes and wow, Louis is in awe with the small speech from the kid, impressed even because… because he actually has a purpose here. He is doing what makes him happy, what makes others happy. He is someone here.

 _He is someone_.

“Thank you, Jonas.” He manages to say and he can’t really speak what’s in his mind at the moment, too much and he probably isn’t allowed to do it so. He would hug the boy but that’s probably crossing the boundaries, so he sticks up with that. “Listening to this makes me really happy, you can’t imagine.” And maybe Jonathan can because he can sense it from Louis’ voice and face expression, so he nods and hopes his teacher understands its meaning.

“Dylan and I are also okay now. Like, really, really okay.” He announces with a huge smile on his lips this time and Louis has been talking with this boy for too long to know that this is the smile reserved to _this_ Dylan. It’s funny, also quite pretty because Louis sees a bit of himself in this kid as well as he sees a little of Harry too. Louis once wondered if it was scientifically possible for two males to have a child if Jonathan wouldn’t be their son.

“Really, really?” Louis smiles cheekily because maybe he knows what has been happening since the first time Jonathan told him that he and his best friend were not in good terms. Louis had notices before, Louis knows the way those two kids talk to each other, knows how they look at each other and knows how they talk about each other – well, at least he knows how Jonathan talks about Dylan and honestly, that was enough.

“Yes.” He nods along the words, grinning.

“That’s very good, I’m proud of you kid.”

“You are?” Jonathan asks a bit confused.

“Yes.” Louis only smiles softly. “Because you grew up but stayed loyal to yourself.” And the bell rings.

~*~

Months pass by and everything happens all at once. Zayn and Liam come out to him, well, Liam does because Zayn… Zayn has done that millions of times by the amount of lame discourses he had spoken to Louis about how perfect Liam is, how a good boyfriend he can be, how he makes him hot chocolate with marshmallows, how he is wonderful at massaging his back, how he sings for him so he can relax at the end of the day, how he is a wonderful cooker, _otherwise you Louis_ , which only makes Louis throw soup at his face to symbolize his puke. Harry loves that, because Harry hears too much of that and that can only mean that he has been really present in Louis’ life.

Sometimes he agrees with Louis – rarely – others he encourages Zayn to talk about his relationship with Liam, only to tease Louis of course, Zayn gets it but he never fails at Harry. So he keeps going deeper in the subject, maybe getting too much into detail for the two guy’s sake and sanity but Harry doesn’t protest. No, he comments like _cute_ or _very hot_ and _I want to try that before I die_ , because apparently Harry has a kink for strawberries and Chantilly as well as drinking shots in the other’s body so it’s kind of a perk for Louis too, he just doesn’t want to admit it.

So things had become almost perfect. Louis’ family visits him once, just for the day, knocking at his door at 10am, on a Saturday, which actually matches with the  day Zayn is only supposed to come back by noon, since Friday night had turned out to be his and Liam’s night. _Night_. So it also became Louis and Harry’s night. Just that. Nothing else. Or maybe just something. A lot of kisses, becoming make outs and come in their pants as if they were seventeen again.

So Louis opens the door downstairs from the flat, not even bothering to see who it is because it feels too early for Zayn to come back or for Delilah to even be up so maybe someone rang by mistake. But then there’s a knock at his door and he opens it with sleep in his eyes and a grumpy face because he left someone half naked on the couch – because Louis makes sure not to sleep with Harry in his bed, his bed isn’t home, his bed is a puddle of tears – and curses by the shock of seeing his mother with a grin on his lips, his father with Peter at his side and Zoe with Daisy in her arms and George’s hand on her hip.

The house is too small for all of them and Louis can’t even greet them, panicking because _wait a second I need to clean something_ and he forgets to shut the door in their faces as predicted to run to the kitchen.

It’s useless when they all find out Harry spread out on the sofa – same position he fell asleep on, meant for Louis to be above his chest, between his legs – in his dirty underwear, clothes everywhere and Louis opening the window to let the smell of sex and cigarette go away.

So that happens, as well as Zayn and Liam meeting Ed and becoming great friends, Louis not feeling sure about how that even happens because it all starts with a real argument over eggs and Liam almost punching Ed because he thought he was flirting with Zayn when he only admired his tattoos. Louis has never seen Liam so nervous and furious in his life and he isn’t sure if he wants to watch it again.

Another thing he hopes not to happen again is hugging Niall, because the Irish lad thinks that Louis already likes him, so when he goes with Zayn to his music store, when he greets Zayn, he does the same with Louis, throwing his arms around his neck with the biggest smile he can manage to. So of course Louis pushes him away and of course he pays for three broken CD’s.

The time doesn’t stop so the school year reaches the end too, so the last school play happens and this time Louis had Zayn’s help since they were rehearsing Romeo and Juliet, but with a little bit of Louis’ personal touch. It ends up being really well performed, funny as well as emotional. Louis feels proud of himself at the end instead of anxious because one student forgot his line and one of the boys went on stage with a wig that was supposed to be for one of the girls.

They all hang out to celebrate, Zayn, Liam, Louis, Harry and even Niall and Stella, Ed stopping by a bit later after he finishes his shift at work. And Louis does drink a little bit, although with moderation and once again he feels proud of himself because he is doing it. He is being good to himself, taking care of himself and he still has people around to support him.

Harry pays a round for all of them and Louis gets to know that he has on his wallet the picture he took of him on the aquarium, the one he is giving _that_ look at Harry and it says everything. It just makes him mention the fact that Louis has the picture Harry took on a Polaroid with them kissing when they were eighteen, so it’s only fair. Who’s Louis to be bothered with it?

When Stella gets to know Zayn is actually dating Liam, Louis is sure she is going to freak out, even make a scene there, but Louis clearly doesn’t know her well, which is a shame because now he does want to. She congratulates them adding that she actually does that, she turns guys who used to like girls, like guys and Zayn makes sure to apologise and that it’s not like that. But she laughs and says it’s not the first, neither second and probably won’t be the last time that happens. Which is weird, but Harry also finds it funny. Then Niall makes a pin, saying _I’m sure that wouldn’t be the case for me_ , making everyone turn their attention to him and Stella only says _we will see that_.

Louis wants to know where that will end up to.

Summer starts, they hang out all together more times, because they’re young and Louis actually feels younger, also free, alive and maybe something else he can’t really figure the word out himself, but it’s probably between being hover the clouds when the sun is setting and wearing one of Harry’s shirt when it’s still warm and it makes him feel like he is hugging the guy all the time since it smells like him.

Another story is when Louis gets involved in a fight, not with Niall this time, a random not so random guy in a bar, whose muscles look sculpted in his arms, whose face seems to come out from a magazine and eyes shine brighter than the sun and are bluer than the ocean. Louis doesn’t punch him because he is jealous, also not because he might had drunk a bit too much since he was bored, but because that same guy took his fun away.

The lad should be ashamed to even be doing what he is doing, looking at Harry as if he is the world, buying him a drink, smiling while Harry speaks, getting too close and probably using the excuse that there’s too many noise around and he can’t hear Harry correctly.

So Louis doesn’t like it and when he starts thinking too much, starts getting hard because Liam and Zayn are both hot and are with their tongues deep in each other’s mouth, grinning on each other and when he thinks that he could be do the same show with Harry but he isn’t because some guy is flirting with him and he is letting him so – or he doesn’t notice it, or is just too nice to dump the hot guy – he reaches his limit.

He stands up, walks towards them, tells the guy to back off twice, he doesn’t do it, Harry touches his shoulder in concern, Louis pulls him away, the guy says in his face that he is bothering both him and Harry and that they were having fun together, he says _fuck you_ , the guy says he is the one fucking Harry later,  Louis punches him hard in the face, the bastard only walks a little backwards, Louis’ knuckles start to bleed, then he is the one being hit by the stronger guy, Harry punches the guy and they’re all expelled from the club.

Liam and Zayn too because apparently they couldn’t moan that loud in a gay bar, it sounded too explicit. The stains in their jeans are what is explicit, though.

But Louis and Harry leave together and maybe the atmosphere is a little heavy but apparently Harry finds Louis with jealous very hot, as well as him with his lip bleeding, that’s new but Louis doesn’t let his guard down, so it all finishes with Louis sucking Harry off against the door from his flat making him shout his name loud, to the point of Ed knowing what they’re doing. And that’s what Louis wants and he tells Harry that, he tells him that he doesn’t deserve his lips around him but he is only doing that to show him who’s the one who can flirt with him, be close to him and touch him that way.

Harry comes in short minutes, but that’s something  they won’t ever talk about, like when next Harry asks to touch Louis but he doesn’t let him and that’s Harry’s punishment, which it works because then Louis makes him watch finishing himself and making sure he shows the green eyed guy what he is losing.

~*~

Harry’s birthday arrives and Louis doesn’t admit, not even to himself that he almost forgot about it. He dances around Ed and makes a mental note to give him another cat for Christmas when he mentions it a week sooner.

“What are you giving Harry as a birthday present?” And Louis frowns because _what? Harry doesn’t grow up, Harry doesn’t do birthdays_ but it hits him sooner than later. So after seeing Louis panicking a little – read a lot – Ed gives him an idea, which Louis will tell Harry that it was his own.

So the day comes and Louis is ready. So ready. He fakes being asleep when Harry wakes up and tells him that it’s time for their run – Louis happens to go with him now since it started being less cold and not raining – so when the guy walks out of the front door he stands up in ecstasy and starts rummaging through the kitchen to make the best breakfast he could ever manage to do.

It ends up badly and being not as extraordinary as he wished… meaning a waffle to split up, one glass of orange juice because there weren’t enough oranges, toasts with eggs and one piece of bacon and then coffee because he feels too irritated with the result.

He hears the key in the door and realises that he is still in underwear and with Harry’s white shirt on and the breakfast isn’t even on the table from the balcony.

“But isn’t this just great?” He asks himself out loud, totally angry and wanting to hit himself with the flower he had picked from downstairs.

“It is.” Harry answers, making the smaller guy look at him with hope in his eyes. Harry is smiling with the door opened, looking sweaty but hot and his cheeks are a bit red but Louis doesn’t mind, he wants all of it.

“Everything went wrong.” He looks down.

“I don’t think so.” Harry says, after shutting the door and getting closer to him. He makes Louis look at him by his chin, pecks his lips and takes the flower from his hand. “Perfect.” Harry smiles and Louis wants to roll his eyes and doesn’t want to hit himself with that same flower, but hit Harry. He smiles instead so maybe is still the other way around. “Breakfast in bed?” Louis shakes his head and points at the balcony, where the table on the outside is already set.

“Help me with this.” Louis says casually then, turning around and taking one tray and walking to the door that goes to the balcony. Harry follows him and he looks like a small kid following his father, really.

They eat in silence because Harry keeps speaking with his smile and Louis answers with a bite of lips and a wink. It makes him shiver from head to toe, their feet are locked under the table, there’s a bird sat on the handrail next to them and Harry’s plants are actually in flower. It’s not spring and moments like these are cheesy and cliché. And Louis hates those moments. But not these one in particular.

“I have something for you.” Louis’ voice is heard and Harry is about to open his mouth to say something when Louis raises his index and doesn’t let him so. He gets the envelope that he left on the tray on the floor, to hand it to him.

Harry’s eyes stay on Louis’ small hand holding the piece of paper for a little while till he accepts the present. “Happy birthday, love.” Louis says then and Harry takes the card first and Louis knows he is going to read it out loud, as usual.

“For your birthday I wanted to give you something special that also seemed effortless,” he starts and Louis sighs but he is smiling like a dork, it’s embarrassing. Like Harry, Harry’s face right now is the meaning of embarrassing. “like I just nonchalantly picked it up on the way home from the farmers market or working out or whatever, so you’d be all impressed by both my extreme smoothness and killer gift-giving ability. But that didn’t really work out.” Harry laughs and Louis only stares at him, his chin rested in his palm because that’s his way of admiring the masterpiece he has in front of him. “Louis, you’re amazing.” Louis hums, he isn’t even listening at this point but Harry is looking back at him, in the eyes with the most faithful smile ever. The younger guy then drops his gaze and looks over at the envelope and sees what’s more on the inside and “Lou,” He says almost in a whisper and Louis’ lips twist into a bigger smile while Harry grabs two tickets to the Leeds festival.

“I don’t think you mind if the other jerks come along with us. They bought it too, but you know… it can be only the two of. Sometimes. In the tent too. They don’t come with the packaging.” Harry might think he is joking but he is far from that, Louis is talking seriously, all his words. Especially the jerks part.

So this is when Louis got Harry the perfect birthday present and made him all impressed by both his extreme smoothness and killer gift-giving ability.

~*~

Find a way to put eight people in two cars, with the double of the packing along with them is harder than it might sound. Maybe. But they find a way.

Delilah drives with Stella on the passenger seat and with Louis, Niall and Liam on the back seats, in the other car there’s Ed driving with Harry next to him and a grumpy Zayn in the back. It was all chosen on purpose. Only Stella and Delilah might be happy with the decision, though. However, when they stop halfway somehow they manage to change everything so that Zayn and Liam are next to each other and Louis gladly gets away from Niall. One more Irish song and he’d explode without before opening the door to push the lad out.

When they arrive, the ambient from the festival is insane and Louis takes Harry’s camera away from him so he can capture the green eyed guy’s expression. It’s unique and Louis wants to keep it with him forever and maybe he likes the power he has with the camera in his hands and becomes him the photographer for the day.

He loses count of how many pictures he snaps from Harry, especially when Delilah buys a flower crown that truly matches her hair colour – Louis snaps pictures as well –, but then decides to give it to him since _my hair might match these but your face matches better_ , she says with a smile and Harry promises her a candy. They’re on kindergarten apparently but Louis loves it. He also takes pictures of the place around, only because Harry reminds him so, also at random people and he is sure he has five of Liam and Zayn kissing or just sharing simple and kind gestures while Niall and Ed are behind them mocking them.

It’s all perfect and Louis wants his face painted with neon for later.

After they set their tents on the area, also known as Louis sat on a chair along with Niall eating crisps, first time they’re sharing something, while the others do the whole job with the four tents.

It was a hard task to divide them in tents because Niall didn’t want to let Harry go, so Louis showed him the middle finger and Harry suggested sharing so then Louis shouted _oh, leave it I’ll share with Zayn and Liam_ , who both literally looked at him as if he was a monster. Delilah said she would share with him then but Harry got jealous, same when Ed voluntary, but it only got worse. So at the end it ended up okay and with everyone happy.

Except from Niall.

“Why can’t I share with you, Stella? We know each other longer.” He protests from the chair he is sat on.

“Harry told me you snored.” She says busy with the utensils.

“How does he know that?” Louis shouts and afterwards they need to rebuild one of the tents Harry was working on because Louis destroys it.

~*~

_I came home_

_Like a stone_

_And I fell heavy into your arms_

_These days of dust_

_Which we've known_

_Will blow away with this new sun_

Harry balances his and Louis’ body, his chest pressed against his back, his chin rested on top of his hair and Louis is in trance, he has been dancing all this time and just now he is being held close and warm.

_And I'll kneel down_

_Wait for now_

_And I'll kneel down_

_Know my ground_

His blue eyes are focused on the scene in front of him, the huge screens, the enormous crowd jumping almost in union – because of course Louis made everything for them not to be with the rest of the group during the concerts, so while everyone stayed in the front rows they stayed in the very back, Harry doesn’t mind one bit – the big stage, the stars from the sky on the background and it’s the paradise. Louis in in paradise.

_And I will wait_

_I will wait for you_

_And I will wait_

_I will wait for you_

And he has Harry whispering the lyrics that at the end is not really whispering, is actually singing and Louis always loved his raspy voice. So beautiful and always sounding as if he is singing at Louis.

_So break my step_

_And relent_

_You forgave and I won't forget_

_Know what we've seen_

_And him with less_

_Now in some way_

_Shake the excess_

“Thank you,” He hears Harry saying and Louis smiles and puts his hand above Harry’s, since he has his arms around his neck and letting them touching Louis’ chest. “This is amazing.” Louis brushes his thumb Harry’s skin and goes up till he touches the bracelet from his wrist.

_And I will wait_

_I will wait for you_

_And I will wait_

_I will wait for you_

“I will,” Louis hears Harry and it only makes his heart stop a little. “I waited for so long and I will keep waiting.”

_Now I'll be bold_

_As well as strong_

_Use my head alongside my heart_

_So take my flesh_

_And fix my eyes_

_That tethered mind free from the lies_

Louis turns around, making Harry pulling a little bit away from him, but only to come back being pressed against the shorter guy’s chest. Louis cups his cheeks with both his hands and presses their lips together. The kiss isn’t as fast as it was meant to be, but only because it almost goes along with the song.

_And I'll kneel down_

_Wait for now_

_And I'll kneel down_

_Know my ground_

Harry opens his mouth and pushes his tongue inside Louis’ mouth and he tastes sweet from the milkshake he drank previously, it was adorable and he needed took a picture of him with pink moustache, matching the painting in his face.

_Raise my hands_

_Paint my spirit gold_

_And bow my head_

_Keep my heart slow_

The kiss gets more needed and filled with lust, Harry’s hands slide down to Louis’ back till he reaches the curve from his bum and grabs it, squeezing it his big hands. Louis gasps between their lips, his throat getting dry and his hand going to the back of Harry’s neck to grab a fist of his hair. It’s sexy and their bodies work in union along with their gestures and touches. Harry pulls one hand up to grab Louis’ chin and tilt his head to the side, giving space for his mouth to lick and bite his collarbones. Louis is shaking in his arms so when Harry notices it, he pulls back, looks at his face, smiles and grabs his hand to pull him away from there.

Louis lets himself be guided, he doesn’t mind, he would go anywhere as long as Harry is holding his hand and making him feel safe.

While they walk in direction to their tents, they can hear the pumps from the song and a little of the rest of the lyrics.

_And I will wait_

_I will wait for you_

_And I will wait_

_I will wait for you_

Louis doesn’t even notice how big he is smiling and how he is mentally answering Harry, saying yes _I will wait for you too, forever if I have to_. It’s so unbelievable, Louis thinks they’re going to fall in a hole on the floor and die because everything that has been happening these pasts months are too good to be happening to him. _To him_.

They spot their tent and Harry takes them inside, zipping it shut. They can still see each other by the street lamps outside, even though the lights aren’t as strong as they should.

“What are we doing?” Louis giggles, he literally giggles because he just agreed on coming with Harry back to the tent and not staying to hear the rest of the concert and he doesn’t mind one bit. He is happier than ever and Harry looks prettier than him and everyone else from the world, plus he is still wearing the flower crown and that was the best thing that ever happened to Louis.

“I don’t know,” Harry grins back at him, they’re sat so close and Louis almost doesn’t feel Harry’s hand in his knee.

“Then just kiss me, you fool.” Louis says, still smiling but his eyes transmit everything he wants to and he isn’t joking at all.

Harry doesn’t need to be told twice, he leans over, grabs Louis by the back of his neck and kisses him fully on the lips. It’s faster this time, his hand brushes on Louis’ thigh and it shouldn’t feel like this to Louis, it’s a simple touch and they kissed multiple times already but… the whole moment turns him on so much, is insane. And Harry’s shirt is almost transparent and his birds are showing.

“Fuck, Harry,” Louis finds himself gasping from air when Harry sucks marks on his neck after putting his lips redder than cherries. Harry hums and probably says _I know_ , blowing hot air on Louis’ soft skin. He goes back to Louis’ thin lips, sucking, biting them and it’s all so right and Harry is a wonderful kisser.

He holds Louis and makes him lay down on the mattress they built with blankets and pillows, hovering his body on top of him. Harry’s lips go to Louis’ jaw and then goes down, tracing a wet path along his neck and then pulls on the side the strap from Louis’ tank top to suck and kiss his shoulder.

“I like this on you.” Harry says referring to what Louis is wearing. “But I like it better off.” He looks up at Louis who is biting his bottom lip and has his eyes shut. Louis hums and nods and he is agreeing with whatever Harry says. “Good.” Harry says and his fingertips touch Louis’ skin in his hip area and then he grabs the fabric from his shirt and takes it off, Louis helping when it reaches his head and putting his arms up.

Harry’s hand pass through his chest, brushing his nipples a little, making Louis twist. “ _Hmm_ , you’re still very sensible.” Harry chuckles and leans over. “It’s cute.” He says but takes one of Louis’ nipple in his tongue and _wow_ that’s Louis’ turn on, he instantly sinks his fingers on Harry’s shoulder and it almost hurts. “Want to do things with you.” He whispers and it’s seductively but Louis is sure it took him no effort.

“Please,” Louis whimpers, he is already whimpering.

“Yeah?” Harry looks up at the boy. Louis opens his eyes, looking down, his lip still between his teeth and nods, humming. Harry smiles and with his index he draws an invisible heart on Louis’ chest. It only makes Louis let his head fall back and take his hand above his lips to hide the big grin he is making.

Harry kisses his neck one more time, just because it was in the right angle, he goes down again and unbuttons Louis’ jeans, slowly and carefully he pulls them out of his legs, making it going along with his briefs.

Louis groans by how free and relief he feels, his toes curling at the end of the tent and Harry keeps between his legs, spreading them a little bit more out for him.

“Take your clothes off too.” Louis says, his arm above his eyes now.

“All of them?” Harry asks, his hands holding Louis by his waist and he can’t wait to get his hands on him.

“ _Hmm_ ,” Louis wonders and then looks at Harry with one eye. “leave your briefs.” He pauses. “And the crown.” Harry smiles, making Louis smile back at him and _oh. Fuck, Louis, you’re fucked_ , he thinks to himself. Harry does what said so and he doesn’t even warns Louis when he bends down and takes his whole length in his mouth. “Shit,” Louis curses and takes one hand to Harry’s hair, however, Harry pulls away, grabs his wrists and puts them next to Louis’ head.

“Stay.” He says with a raise of his eyebrows, Louis obeys, nodding and Harry kisses his nose, because of course he can’t be too harsh.

He wraps his one hand at the end of Louis’ length and takes him again, his tongue sliding all the way when he starts bobbing up and down. Louis lets small and pitchy hums leave his lips and he wants to grab Harry’s hair so badly, so fucking badly.

“Your lips,” Louis manages to say when Harry starts doing faster movements, sucking his head then and starting all over again. “So good. Always loved them, Harry. Perfect.” He says, his voice deeper than usual.

“Yes,” Harry says when pulls away, but still staying closer because Louis feels his hot breathe hitting his hardness. “I want you to tell me how you feel. What you think. Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Louis says “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” he repeats, desperate. “Need more. More.” He keeps his sentences short. Harry smirks and takes him in his mouth again, but he switches his both hands to Louis’ bottom, makes him put his knees up and spreads him out fully. “Fuck, you look so good between my thighs.” Louis says making his best to look at Harry, he could look innocent with the flowers in his hair.

Harry puts one of his hand at the end of Louis’ length again but then takes the other one between his legs, sliding one finger inside of Louis and it takes him by surprise since he quickly clenches around Harry, making him groan with Louis in his mouth, which makes it all better, the vibration and warmness and Louis wonders if Harry is breathing.

“You always know what I need.” Louis says in difficulty and he doesn’t know if he should move his hips up and down along Harry’s mouth or his finger. Harry moves both, which is incredible and Louis didn’t remember the sensation of this. “Know me so well, Harry. You’re so good, baby.” Louis moans loudly when Harry movements get fast and he suddenly has two fingers scissoring Louis and what the fuck is this? “Harry,” He whimpers, clenching his fists and grabbing the blankets till his fingers turn white. “I’m close. I can’t be close, I –“ Louis stops when Harry pulls away and stays still with his two fingers inside of him.

Harry smirks looking at Louis’ state, teasing and he groans in protest and moves desperate to find friction, but Harry places his available hand in his waist and places one kiss on his belly. “Stay.” He repeats and Louis sighs. “You’re so beautiful, my love.” Harry kisses his skin again and then looks at his right to kiss the inside of thigh, then he goes down and gets close with his lips till he takes Louis’ balls in his mouth, again without a warning and Louis is going crazy.

“Harry, Harry, Harry…” Louis knows he told him to say what he is feeling but he absolutely can’t, that’s what he is feeling, _Harry_. Harry starts to be an emotion, a feeling, an adjective and it needs to work because he can’t speak his words out. And when Harry starts moving his fingers again and trying to go deeper, Louis is moaning too loudly, as loud as probably the crowd outside. “Harry,” He bites his lip but then his lips part again when sees Harry going again with his mouth but he speaks other words finally. “I don’t want to come yet, please. Want you.” He half whimpers, half moans. “Need you. I need you inside me.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » i'm actually proud of this chapter, feel like it's a little different, i don't have any questions this time but i always expect your comments and feed backs , they're bloody amazing literally i love you guys sometimes it's even hard for me to reply to you bc i do want you , always but wow thank you thank youuu


	29. Flower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » quick info, i might not be able to update next week, im away for a week to london so i wont have much time and opportunity to write. So yeah, also im never happy with these kind of chapters so i'm sorry if it isn't like you expected it would be.   
> Happy valentine's day.

“I don’t want to come yet, please. Want you.” He half whimpers, half moans. “Need you. I need you inside me.”

Harry stops. Harry stops so instantly that it almost makes Louis feel worried for a moment. He takes his fingers out from Louis so quickly that it makes the older guy pant by how empty he suddenly feels. He widely looks at Louis, his eyes focused on his face but the blue eyed man knows he is analysing his expression, trying to check if there’s something there it shouldn’t be. But Louis is still in trance and Harry isn’t doing anything and he needs something.

So Louis moves his hips, desperately trying to find some kind of movement or touch and while one hand is grabbing the blankets behind him, the other is covering his eyes. “Say something. Do something.” He says but Harry doesn’t react and it passes too many seconds – not that many but it feels like minutes – and Louis starts feeling embarrassed and maybe a bit nervous a thing that he never experimented with Harry in this kind of situations, when it involves them naked and sharing touches. “Harry,” and maybe is the way he calls the green eyed lad, almost sounding that he is about to cry that makes Harry finally move and react.

He gets closer from Louis’ face and pulls his hand away, the one he is covering his face with. “Hey,” he whispers. “I’m sorry, Lou.” Louis looks at Harry, whose hand is on his chin now making him keep looking at his eyes. Harry wants to green meet blue, to keep them dry.

But Louis thinks too much and the fact that Harry does this, apologises even, makes him frown. He does his best to pull Harry’s touch away, trying to release himself and he wants to go away, he feels too exposed and what the fuck? He is with Harry, is Harry not a stranger not a guy from college, is Harry and Louis truly wants him.

“Baby,” Harry whispers understanding what Louis is feeling, what he made him feel. “No, no, no,” Harry actually struggles with the words in his head and desperately gets even closer from Louis’ face, starting to kiss every feature of him. His cheeks, his nose, his forehead, his jaw, his chin even his eyes and after every peck he gives he speaks words like Not what you’re thinking and I want you so much and also You’re so beautiful, I’m so glad you still trust me. It kind of relaxes Louis but he needs to know what’s on Harry’s mind. “Love, I just want you to be sure of this. I never… I didn’t imagine us going that deep tonight.” And Louis wants to joke saying deep is where you should be and I’m still not feeling anything, but he doesn’t because now he can’t even joke about anything. Is he sure? Is he sure about this?

“I am sure.” So he answers. And it’s easy for him, it’s actually easy. “Of course I’m sure, Harry.” He puts his hand above Harry’s and joins their foreheads. “It’s you, remember? It’s you, Harry. I always wanted you, no one else. I trust you so much, so much it scares me a little.” He shuts his eyes and breathes above his lips, Harry listens to him attentively. “I’ve never been so sure about something in these past years. That I want you.” He confesses.

“But…” Harry speaks and Louis opens his eyes.

“Do you want to? Let’s make things right, yes? So… if you don’t want to, we can stop here. Or we can do like the other times, I don’t mind. Or cuddle. Maybe go back outside.” Louis assures him and Harry only keeps looking at him for a minute till he decides to answer. And he just nods at first and Louis isn’t sure if he is agreeing with his last or first words.

“I want you for so long.” He smiles. “I need you all the time.” He continues and Louis is smiling too and it only feels right, it makes Louis think this is where he belongs, next to that boy on top of him, who never fails to him, who makes things always okay. “And I want you to be okay with everything we do. With everything I say.”

“I am.”

“Yeah?” Harry makes sure.

“Yeah.” Louis answers, nodding and smiling and he can’t contain himself from getting his lips closer to Harry’s. He stops when they stay brushing in each other, when he feels a little the softness and warmness. He moves his head, making his bottom lip brush Harry’s upper one, making the younger guy groan because why the hell isn’t he kissing him?

Louis smirks then, like the proper tease he is, raises his hips from the blankets, brushes his naked body on Harry’s boner, still under his underwear and afterwards he passes his tongue just across Harry’s lips. The taller guy shuts his eyes and Louis notices how he gulps. So Harry might be nervous but also wants this a lot. That’s a beginning.

“Lou…” He takes one hand to rest on Louis’ waist, keeping him steady underneath him, joining their foreheads again and keeping his lips close. Is hard to believe he was being so dominant previously. “I never… I never actually did this.” Louis raises his eyebrow and while he keeps his eyes wide open, Harry’s are still close. “You know I only had sex with you. You always topped.”

“Oh.”

“Oh.” Harry repeats, his cheeks heating up, and isn’t the inside of the tent already so hot? “So I’m nervous about it and… not sure.” He stammers a little and pulls away from Louis, the older man making a disapproval sound, and sits up on top of Louis’ thighs.

“You rode me once.” Louis decides to say, supporting himself on his elbows.

“That’s not the same.” Harry passes his fingers through his hair.

“You were really good.” Louis smirks, forgetting and not even thinking about how that was the last time they were together, also the way Harry said goodbye. “Like,” he brings himself up too, throwing his arms around Harry and keeping their chests together. “really, really good.” He bites Harry’s inner lip and drags it with him and then giving him one tiny kiss. “Came so hard for you.” Harry twists in his place and Louis can see in his face the effect his own words have on him. He kisses Harry’s jaw and tries to go down till the crock of his neck. “How good was it? All those times we did this?” He sucks his collarbones and Harry had given up on trying anything, he goes along with the flow and even craves for more touch. It has becoming this way of breathing. “So good, wasn’t it?” He goes back to face Harry. “Don’t you miss it, Harry?” Louis says looking deep into his eyes, brushing their lips together once again. “I miss it.” He confesses and he is being serious, he actually does miss it, for someone who thought he didn’t like it anymore. That was because he didn’t have Harry next to him. It only feels right with him. “Now I just really want to feel you. Want you to fill me up. Come inside me.”

“Fuck.” Harry breathes out and Louis smiles one more time in triumph.

"I know right?" He whispers in his ear, biting it then and he knows what – there it is; it gives Harry goosebumps. "How do you feel knowing that I'm like this only for you?" He raises his brow, smirking, but knows Harry won't see it anyway. He kisses his shoulder then and for seconds Harry doesn't move, like he lets Louis do everything to him. "Hm?" he insists on the question since Harry didn't answer, perhaps not knowing that he had to though. But Louis wants to know, he wants to, to be sure.

"Good." Harry's deep voice is heard in the small space from the tent. Louis feels pleased with such place, he feels close, he feels like he doesn't have space but if he wants to run he still can. But he won't so he just feels safe and warm. "Very good. Very... Makes me very happy." Louis giggles, sinking his face on the crock of his neck. His arms still around Harry's neck, whose hands are on Louis' waist keeping him in place.

He hears Harry sighing probably by realisation that maybe he could have chosen other words, but of course he didn't, yet Louis still adores it.

"Of course I always topped, you look like a top but you act like a bottom Harry Styles." Louis teases, raising his head and looking at Harry's face with the smuggest smile ever in his lips. Harry looks almost offended, which is amusing.

But then he is pursing his lips together, sinking his fingers on Louis' body – and damn won't that leave mark, he whispers roughly what seems to be an Oh yeah? and in the next moment he is pushing Louis, laying him down again, letting his body hover the smaller guy.

He doesn't let Louis react, it's so quickly, he grabs Louis' cheeks in his hands and presses their lips together forcefully and in lust. Louis only has time to groan with the whole sudden thing and then he is just groaning by the way Harry terribly – or not – decides to start hip thrusting in his groin, making him go fully hard once again.

He literally shoves his tongue down Louis' mouth, tasting him, taking complete control and Louis only keeps his hands on his shoulders where he had previously placed them in surprise.

Louis spreads his legs so Harry can actually have room between him so he doesn't have to have his spread out and next to his thighs. Louis needs more contact, wants to feel more, also wants touch and pleasure, so Harry knows what he is doing. That's why he lets one hand go down to his thigh, presses his fingers in his skin and joins it with the other.

"Stay." He says with the same tone Louis had remembered him saying just some minutes ago, maybe this time a bit more huskily.

"Harry," Louis groans because Harry would let him do this, would see it as his cue to actually start the thing, but he is being a tease and Louis hates when he is like this, because it turns him on to the point of hurting. It's physically painful.

"Going to make you beg now. Show you how much of a top I can be." Harry whispers in his ear, his hips still moving now changing to go in circles and Louis wants to laugh by the green eyed guy's words but at the same time he wants to scream. "But lube would be useful." He looks down at Louis, he still truly wants to laugh because they are a disaster. "For my fingers." Louis tries to keep his lips in a straight line, Harry had stopped but is close to his face, looking at him in such a sexy way and by his spoken words it just proves one more time that he isn't even trying.

"Oh my god." Louis says and it actually comes out like he is out of breathe. It just needs to find out the reason why.

"I bet Zayn and Liam have it." He says out of nowhere and Louis smiles, just really because he knows he can't laugh or Harry's self-esteem would go down.

"I bet you can't go outside naked to their tent and bring it."

"I bet you can't come with me."

"Deal." Louis grins and fuck it, they might be a disaster but he feels good. They aren't nervous, they are just excited and being themselves. And Louis is used to this every time they did something similar to this, as teenagers, it'd be messy, it never was perfect for much they tried. First time it happened when they were high, second Harry almost fell on the pool, third one they almost got caught by Peter, fourth one Daisy watched and they only noticed it while they were enjoying it already, fifth one Harry started laughing uncontrollably when Louis hit with his head on the headboard from the bed and the list goes on. Not forgetting to point out that the last time they did it, Harry started crying and Louis almost couldn't finish.

But this time no one is crying, they're just happy and they can hear Bastille playing from the stage on the background, which reminds Louis that he really wanted to see them but he is now going to find lube on his best friend's tent.

He actually is and Harry has already taken his underwear off, put it on the corner of their small space, grabbed Louis' hand and unzipped the tent to go out. It's warm but they feel the breeze hitting their naked bodies and that's when Harry starts laughing and Louis throws his head back doing the same because at any time someone can just walk to the area and see them. But they carry on and Harry brings Louis with him, behind him and Louis checks out his bum, looking muscled and Louis really wants to touch it. But then he forgets about it when keeps laughing because they’re walking naked while holding hands and this bizarre. Really bizarre and Louis is too old for this. Maybe that’s why he likes it so much.

Harry crouches them down and gets inside Zayn and Liam's tent. "Where do they -" He starts but Louis goes to Zayn's bag, takes a towel and unwraps it, showing a little dark blue necessaire, with all the stuff he and Liam would find time to need.

"Don't ask." Louis interrupts the curly haired guy, who still has that stupid flower crown in his head, which looks amazing on him naked – especially naked. Louis hands Harry a bottle of lube and then takes from the little bag a condom. "Do you think...?"

Harry shakes his but then adds. "Are you...?"

"I'm clean." Louis nods.

"So am I, right?" He chuckles a bit. "Want to... You know, feel you." Louis bites his bottom lip and quickly puts Zayn's stuff in its place.

"I wonder how it'd be like to do it here." Louis says now laughing, before walking out of the tent.

"They would kill us." Harry comments, laughing as well.

"I think they would just watch." Louis shrugs, joking. "Wank material for both." Harry laughs loudly, too loudly that Louis has to put his hand above his lips and says shh, leading his index to his own. Harry nods but Louis still feels him smiling.

It's Louis' turn to bring Harry out and this time they run to their tent, their feet hurting from stepping on the floor with leaves, branches and too much mud.

When the tent is shut again, the band is playing outside, Louis’ cheeks hurt from grinning too much and Harry’s chest goes up and down quickly by his heavy breathing, the stars start shining brighter. They do. However Louis can’t see it, can’t see the ones up from the sky but he doesn’t care because he is looking at the one who shines brighter, in front of him. So when he missed the beautiful shiny sky at depressing, sad and lonely nights, what he really missed was the glow Harry would give him.

And it is showing right now and maybe Harry notices it. Notices it and feels proud of it.

“Come here.” The younger guy says, giving room for Louis to come closer to his chest and so he does. It’s like they both forget they’re naked and where they are and what they are about to do, because Harry holds Louis in his arms, then pulls his small locks of hair out of his forehead, smiling in fond at the older man and at the end leans over to him.

Their lips meet again and they were already cold by the lack of the other. It’s soft, slow and it means something, it means everything they feel the need to tell each other but are planning on saving it for later. So the kiss is important and a way of delaying things. In a good way.

Harry slowly let’s Louis fall on his back, being on top of him again and Louis never liked this much such position but Harry’s body is board and long and it covers him completely. It makes him feel protected and like there’s someone there to stop the bad things to touch him.

Louis sinks his fingers through Harry’s hair, not even pulling it, it’s just kind, slow and soft. Harry hums between their lips but keeps one hand on Louis’ face and the other on his waist. They keep kissing, it turns to be faster and sloppier so Louis lets one hand fall on Harry’s back, brushing it up and down and trying to mark him, because pulling their lips away now isn’t an option.

But “Harry…” He tries to speak, coming out breathless and muffled. “Harry, Harry…” He presses his thumb on Harry’s shoulders, to make him free his lips to speak properly. He does so, but attaches them right away on Louis’ jaw and cheek. “Forget the fingers.” Harry chuckles with his words, a hot breathe hitting his skin and Louis is – and probably Harry is too – glad that he has done his beard before coming to the trip, because he knows how much Harry likes his skin soft to kiss him better and how like that he can feel Harry’s lips in the best way.

“I thought you liked my fingers.” Harry says huskily against him, making Louis twist, especially while he traces his fingertips along Louis’ chest, all the way down to his belly.

“And… And I do. They’re long and –“ Harry sucks his sweet spot on the crock of his neck, getting his words stuck on his throat for a moment. “Fuck – amazing.”

“Then?” Louis tries to look at the green eyed guy and the fucker even has his eyes closed.

“I –I want you now. Please. Can’t wait any longer.”

“Yeah?” Harry keeps kissing him, not much of their bodies touching and it must be painful for him too. “Why so? Why can’t you wait?”

“Harry,” Louis groans.

“Louis.” Harry keeps chuckling but he knows it isn’t funny. He doesn’t sound amused, but he sure is playing around. “Why?” He insists, brushing his lips along Louis’ neck and then biting his collarbones. Damn, he is all marked, his lips are as red as his skin, his hair as messy as his life right now but isn’t it all worth it? It is.

“Because… I’m desperate. For you.” Louis tries to speak between heavy puffs of breathe.

“And?” He gives one kiss on their usual spot and then just hovers his lips there.

“I’m begging, baby. Please, I need you so badly. I’m so hard for you.” Louis moans, arcing his spine and trying to find something to give him friction. Once again, Harry puts his hands on his waist, presses him against the blankets, keeps him still and smirks.

“Such a good boy you are.” Harry keeps with that cheeky smile on his lips, now raising his head so Louis can actually see it. He wants to punch his pretty face. “Can you turn around for me then?” He asks, carefully though, not as confident as the other times but the words don’t lose its strength.

But Louis doesn’t understand why Harry is being so afraid to this point but he does understand why he is being this careful. Because Harry respects and cares for him. And he trusts Harry so much, Louis trusts him so much, since always and he feels like that will never change, especially when he feels that same way after these years, after Harry literally leaving him without saying a word. He could feel mad at himself because maybe a normal person shouldn’t forgive this fast, but Louis is thinking about himself. Because Zayn is right, he thinks too much about himself and sometimes forgets about the others, that’s what has been happening these past years. But this is where things change, where Harry comes in, because he changes it. And once again Louis is being selfish, he is selfish in a way, but he can’t help changing it. He can’t change himself to that point.

He thinks he did a lot already and that’s true, even if it isn’t the enough, he did and that counts. So he lets it go. He chooses what in his head is the right choice and he has to learn from it, because he is doing this in his own and this the meaning of life. He understands that’s how it works most of the times so doing things in his own, choosing what has to be chosen with his own help is healthy, because then he won’t blame another person when it’s not their fault. It’s his decision, his action and in that moment the consequences come from him.

And he finds weird the fact that he is thinking about this, when he is about to have sex with Harry. With Harry. But maybe it’s an opportune moment as well because it makes part of his choices. He could be saying no I don’t want to, no I don’t feel like we are ready for this, no this isn’t right, but he isn’t. Because he is sure about this and this isn’t something that it has to be chosen by someone else. Of course Harry has to decide, but it’s for himself and combined with Louis’ choice it’ll have a consequence, either bad or good.

So it is the right moment as well. Louis didn’t like doing this, didn’t feel safe neither secure about doing it. He felt disgusted by his own body but he feels different with Harry. So he sees it as a sign. He finally trusts the person he is sharing the moment with and feels good about himself. Both want this.

So Louis gives with himself doing what Harry asked him to – and he asked, didn’t demand it - pressing his bare chest on the blankets and resting his chin on his hands placed in front of his face, above a pillow. Harry keeps between his legs and nothing is happening except that Harry is massaging his back – and he is so thankful he is still having contact with the green eyed guy because he craves some type of touch from Harry and Harry… Harry also can’t take his hands off from Louis – and it’s good. Is too good. Harry’s big palms don’t miss any part of Louis and he moves them and his fingers as if he was working on a piece of art.

He goes to his neck and shoulders and down through his spine and Louis is not nervous at all, he is looking down on the clouds and he is not even there as a body but as soul.

“Okay?” He hears Harry’s husky voice, now close from the back of his neck, breathing above that spot, making Louis’ heart beat fast and chills down his bones.

“Okay.” He answers then and Harry gets it as his answer to everything, especially when he says in such relaxing, confident and soft way, humming in pleasure and comfort.

The younger guy presses a kiss on the same spot he was breathing in on Louis’ neck and goes down all along till the bottom of his spine, letting his hands go down with it, by the side of Louis’ body. And he is still okay, he is still hovering above the sky.

There’s a pause from everything and Louis hears Harry opening the bottle of lube and he probably spreads it out on himself, because he hears him moaning a little by the touch. Then Louis focuses on the sounds outside and it’s all amazing and magic. Louis believes in magic again.

“Still okay?” Harry insists and Louis laughs a little humming as a yes and grabbing the pillow case in his fists. And that’s it, everything good starts so quickly for Louis but this time Harry takes his own time, makes it in his own pace and it’s not like Louis is complaining because tonight he feels like he can think that he belongs to someone, to Harry, because that’s what makes him feel alive.

The taller boy grabs Louis’ by his hips and slowly leads himself inside Louis. And he really, really goes slowly, it’s almost painful because Louis didn’t have much preparation before but mostly because he desires for more, desperately needs more but Harry is making him wait and Louis feels everything. Feels Harry and he wants to feel him all at once, fully and becoming one just for a little bit because he misses it too much.

He hears Harry groaning, still pulling himself inside Louis and fuck, Harry is big and he feels like he can’t handle it. But he wants to and that’s where he finds the pleasure in. Harry moves one of his hand from Louis’ waist to his shoulder and then lets his torso fall forward a little so he can get closer from Louis. His thumb brushing Louis’ skin and Louis knows he is just there with his mouth half opened, no noise coming out and just focusing on Harry right now and when he less expects it Harry is pulling out and in twice, still slowly and Louis feels his bones broking inside of him.

“Lou,” He breathes out from behind “you’re so tight, so fucking tight.” Louis shuts his watery eyes tightly and he wants to see this as his first time. And it is, it is his first time with Harry like this and everything he does for the first time, he needs to do it with Harry. Only Harry matters. Only him. “Baby,” Harry stops with more than half of his length inside of Louis and leans over to press his lips on his shoulder. Small and kind pecks left there make Louis’ skin glow, makes Louis’ world shine. “tell me what to do.” He whispers, his lips placed on the same place. “Want to be good for you.” Louis’ feels his mouth twist into a small smile, Harry brushes his nose on his body and he is smiling too. And the blue eyed man knows it.

Louis doesn’t know quite well how he manages to do it but he raises his head, supports his weight on one hand while the other one goes behind to hold Harry from the back of his neck. He also gets his hips a bit up from the floor, to give a good angle for Harry, who follows all his moves.

“Just move.” Louis whispers, his eyes still shut, his fingers reaching from some of Harry’s locks of hair and it’s like Harry knows what Louis wants when tilts a little bit his head to the side, exposing his neck, because he attaches his lips there and sucks one more red mark kissing it then. “Please.” He pleads remembering what Harry had said to him.

“Everything for you.” Harry’s voice booms across the small space. The kind of tone that can make you sink in as it wraps you up, yet it’s vibrating with power and command, shocking the ground like a storm. He has richness in his tones – luxurious and warmth.

And Louis wants to feel more when he already feels and has everything when Harry does what he said so and he doesn’t feel physical pain anymore, but he wants to scream because his body aches for Harry even as close as they are. Harry moves in and out, slowly, impossibly slowly and thrusting his hips almost like waves and what the fuck? Harry isn’t real and he probably thinks the same about himself, because Harry is someone impossible to breathe in the same world Louis lives in.

“Faster.” Louis strongly grabs the back of Harry’s hair, making the guy half groan from the pain and half moan from having the pain in that moment. But this time he keeps going slowly and Louis knows what he is doing, he does. “Please, Harry. You’re so good, give me faster. Harder.” He says between puffs, his breathe unsteady.

Harry leans over, biting his earlobe and Louis is sure he hears him chuckling just like someone who heard what they wanted. But at least he goes faster like Louis had said, making him bite his bottom lip swallowing the noise he was going to make.

“Don’t pull back your beautiful moans, baby.” Harry whispers, noticing what Louis had done. He hums, coming out almost like a whimper but it still isn’t what Harry was talking about, yet it still turns him on so badly.

Harry’s fingers sink harder on Louis’ hips and Harry is never the loud type but right now Louis is listening to him moaning to himself behind his ear and Louis wished he could see him properly and kiss him swallowing those noises. Keeping them.

Harry keeps moving his hips faster till he decides to go deep, keep a bit longer still and then move out faster to go in with the same speed and do the same. That drives Louis insane and he is already moaning a bit louder his ah’s and hm’s when in reality he just wants to moan Harry’s name like crazy.

“Keep… doing that.” Louis lets his head fall back a little and his hand slides from Harry’s neck, unintentionally caressing him. “Right there.”

“Yeah?” Harry asks breathless and every word he speaks, every sound he makes, it stays marked on Louis’ skin like a tattoo.

“Yeah…” it almost sounds like a sigh but Louis could care less.

Harry hits his prostate, not even losing it once and Louis feels his knees giving up, his legs tired and stuck in place, he doesn’t feel his arm and Harry is just getting faster and faster.

“Louis... Louis tell me how…” he starts but Louis is sure he had finished but just mouths you feel because he gets his words stuck in his throat.

“Good.” Louis begins. “So good, it’s crazy ho –how you make me feel.” Harry hums and he is moaning and Louis feels embarrassed by how close he is, so soon. “Always. You always did this to me.”

“Yours.” Harry slightly bites Louis’ shoulder after listening to those words

“Yes.” Louis moans loudly and it might be an answer to Harry but it also was an answer to his movements. “I like that I was your first and will be your last.”

“Please.” Harry places more kisses on his skin, not only his neck and shoulder but also his back. And somehow Louis understands this please as a yes please let you be my last, don’t let me go.

“How I’m the only one who has seen you like this. Did this to you.”

“Just for you.” Harry hip thrusts slower but only to start going fast again, hitting Louis’ spot over and over again. It pains Louis to speak, it pains Harry to feel Louis around him that tight but it needs to last. They need and want it to last. “I only want to do this with you. Always. Being close to you. So beautiful, so mine.”

“Harry…” Louis whimpers and sinks his fingers on Harry’s hair again, forgetting the flower crown he had been wearing all day and Louis asked him to keep. He gets his hands on it and takes it off to put on himself, looking over at Harry in the eyes so the moment he has it placed on his hair, he parts his lips in pleasure.

“Fuck, Louis,” Louis would smirk in triumph by the effect it has on him but he is feeling his body losing its form and failing to him and it’s worst when Harry decides to go down with his hand one hand that he had rested on Louis’ shoulder, down from his torso to touch his nipples. That only makes the older guy start moving his hips along him as well, creating friction and meeting Harry’s moves with his own. And oh, that’s good, that’s all very good. Wonderful even. “I’m going to come so hard if we keep up like this.” Harry whispers, his lips brushing Louis’ ear while he keeps moving faster and Louis is shaking, literally shaking underneath him, desperate and whining for more and faster and fuck, so good.

Louis still has strength to smile with Harry’s comment and he is so in trance, his cheeks red like Harry’s and he thought Harry looked good and innocent with the flower crown well he looks good and erotic, which is weird but Harry sees it that way; so he still makes himself tilt his head more to Harry’s side, and he notices how Harry has his eyes on him. How Harry is observing him with his radiant eyes, rosy cheeks and lips parted and god Louis wants to kiss him, kiss him as if he was on the street and trying to prove to the people around that he is lucky enough to kiss such guy and that he is happy, yes, Louis wants to kiss Harry and transmit him how happy he is to have him in his life. How happy he is that he doesn’t need permission to touch him anymore, he simply does it, because he can, because he knows Harry lets him. Harry lets him kiss him, lets Louis take care of him like he takes care of Louis. Harry wants to be his. And Louis wants to have Harry in his life like this forever.

“Fuck it,” Louis says and maybe Harry doesn’t hear it but it isn’t meant for him to, because Louis is just accepting what’s in his mind and telling himself that if he wants it he can’t push anything away, he needs to grab it. So he does. He tries to grab Harry’s cheek with the hand he was pulling his hair out to press their lips together.

It’s clumsily like their lives, it’s passionate like their feelings, it’s full of desire like they’ve always lived and it’s just… something. Something and everything at the same time and Louis takes the best of it when roughly moves his lips, leading Harry to do it as well, at the same time he moves his hips along Harry’s, creating friction on his hard member.

“I’m going to fill you up so good, baby.” Harry moans and Louis is going to die for sure if they keep this, but at least he is going to die pleased with everything around him.

“Please, please make me come.” Louis presses his eyes together, their faces still so close and he hears Harry saying something that he can’t quite build up in his mind, because in the next second Harry is taking his hand off from Louis’ waist to put on the mattress they tried to make up and holds himself. Then the other is holding Louis’ head so he doesn’t look away from him, he keeps their lips together and whispers words that stay craved on Louis’ flesh but he still can’t hear it. Harry pounds into him faster but with an amazing rhythm and Louis noises are swallowed by Harry’s mouth and it’s him keeping them.

Louis doesn’t hear anything, he feels Harry’s lips in his a bit parted and he knows there’s tongue involved but there’s this moment, when his whole body freezes and is overflowed by pleasure and there’s no way it will go away. And he doesn’t want it to go away, making sure Harry knows it by calling his name.

Harry doesn’t let him go. Louis enjoys the whole moment and maybe is the way he looks, the way he makes Harry know that he is coming good and hard for him, because of him, showing him how amazing he was that it makes the younger guy breath out a oh my god and throwing his head back, coming inside of Louis, whose body falls completely on the blankets, clenching by the feeling of Harry inside of him and burying his head on the pillow, breathless.

Louis is sure Harry whines the whole moment, but he also doesn’t stop moving, this time slowly, till he finishes and maybe that’s what makes Louis come to his limit.

He can’t move, Harry is laid down on top of him, crushing his naked body but it’s like Louis doesn’t feel a thing. He is too sensible to react and too far from earth to say something. He feels Harry’s hot breathe hitting his neck but he doesn’t even shiver.

Somehow, Harry moves long seconds later of just heavy breathes being heard and Oblivion playing far away – and the green eyed guy should win a medal. Louis protest with a tired groan by how empty he feels and the cold that replaces Harry’s body above him.

“Still alive?” Harry asks and he is speaking as if there was someone else close to them but they don’t want them to listen, which, really? He should have thought about that when he was moaning like crazy, because if someone walked by outside and listened to them, they would know exactly the obscene things that were happening in there.

“Yes, but barely breathing.” Louis says shortly, his voice coming hoarsely and he thinks their first words after this should be others, but anything is perfect between them. Except the kisses, their kisses unveil the whole universe.

Harry chuckles but he moves something and then is talking again and wow, Louis made him speak that way. He is the owner of that voice that screams I got laid and I feel amazing. “Okay, let’s get you cleaned.” Louis groans again but soon turns out to be a pleased sound when Harry touches in his forearm to make him lay down belly up. Unbelievable but Louis missed his touch already.

Harry smiles and maybe takes too long staring down at Louis before starting to pass the towel he was supposed to use tomorrow after showering – somewhere because they still don’t know how that will work – but probably won’t be anymore. He will use Louis’, that’s not even open to debate.

He passes it through Louis’ belly and Louis feels himself blushing – blushing – because not only is Harry seeing him in his most vulnerable state but he is also feeling turned on again by the way he touches him. It’s delicate and no one should blame him because then Harry is spreading out his legs and cleaning him, touching him completely and he needs to moan. He moans but covers his lips with his hands right away in shame.

“Stop.” Louis says muffled but he doesn’t mean his words, he just wants himself to stop, wants to have control over himself, a thing he doesn’t have in a while and it has gotten worse with Harry around.

“Okay baby.” Harry smiles and puts the towel on the side, brings the only sheet they brought with them, with him while he lays down next to Louis. He covers their bodies and he can’t get any closer from Louis than he is. He puts his hand around Louis’ torso, supports his head on the palm of his hand while his elbow supports it all.

“Stop smiling like a dork.” Louis tries to hide his face on Harry’s chest but Harry leans over, kisses his temple and Louis knows what he is going to say next.

“Stop hiding your face from me.” The older guy groans in annoyance, but it’s all a facade since he still raises his head and looks over at Harry, whose face is impossibly close from the smaller guy. Louis stops breathing with the realisation that hits him when sees Harry looking at him as if he was the world and the universe all at once. He raises one of his hand, without having control of it and leans it to Harry’s face. He basically starts drawing Harry’s features, carefully with his fingertips and it’s gentle and lovable. Louis had forgotten how warm this makes him feel. “Lou…” Louis nods as a signal for him to continue talking but he feels like he will change his mind when Harry continues. “It terrifies me what I would do for you. I look at you and I just… I just –“

“Shh,” Louis covers Harry’s lips with his fingers, touching him in such peace and he is in such peace that it calms Harry down. Louis felt, he felt the way his heart was beating fast and the way his tongue was curling in his mouth, how anxious he was feeling to say those next words but Louis just can’t hear them. Not yet. Because he wants to say them to Harry too, he just can’t. Not yet. “lets leave it for another time.” So he says and Harry’s face doesn’t drop in disappointment and concern like Louis feared to happen, because he understands. And once again Harry respects Louis. So much. “But I have you, yeah?” Louis smiles and Harry only doesn’t do it back because he leans over and kisses his lips slowly and just like it would be if he wrote a song.

It’d be dedicated to Louis.

~*~

It’s too early to be with eyes opened since it’s not even sunny yet outside the tent, but Louis feels himself obligated to go out because there’s no way he will be able to fall asleep again. It’s too noisy and he is too cold and feels too alone. If everyone else is outside then he will too – and with everyone he means Harry.

He dresses some underwear, his shorts and another tank top he decided to bring. When he unzips the tent, he sees Zayn, Liam and Delilah sat around the bonfire they set. Zayn of course on Liam’s lap and Delilah drinking some type of energy drink but ready to throw the rest of it in their faces.

“Good morning!” Liam smiles radiantly at him.

“More like, what a good night!” Delilah says when sees Louis and he is sure she sounds ten times more eager than how she looked two seconds ago. He knows it’s not only because of his presence.

“Where’s Harry?” It’s what he asks first, ignoring his friends’ words but mostly because he just really wants to tease them.

“Went for an early walk with Niall and Stella.” Zayn informs him and he has that cheeky smile on his lips that Louis doesn’t see that often.

Louis huffs with the idea of Harry leaving him alone in the morning to go with Niall and Niall. Really, it’s the Niall part that only bothers him. But yeah… he needs to stop this stupid feeling, it’s not right.

“Boring.” He whispers and rolls his eyes sitting between them, crossing his legs. “Is there anything to eat?”

“Rough.” Delilah says and Louis raises his brow looking at her. “He is rough, hum?” She smirks.

“Who’s rough?” Louis asks and Delilah takes her hand to his head to grab the flower crown, now all messy, that stayed for the most part of the night in his head – and that maybe Harry had put in his head again before walking out of the tent in the morning – to shake it in front of Louis, so he can understand who she’s referring to.

“Oh.”

“Oh.” She grins, raising her eyebrows as well in a teasing way.

“I didn’t know you were one of letting others marking you that way, little one.” Zayn smirks and Louis quickly looks at him, frowns and then looks down at his body. He sees numerous marks on his chest and “you should look at your neck and shoulders.” He continues and Louis feels his cheeks and ears too warm. Dammit. He probably has marks all over his body.

“It reminds me one thing, Zaynie.” Well, let him play too and use his own strategy. He stands up, goes to his tent, grabs the bottle of lube he borrowed from Zayn last night and comes back with a pleased smile on his lips. “Here.” He gives it to the couple. “Just so you know our naked bodies touched your things. Also known as your tent. Where you sleep.”

And Louis is a dead person.

~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » why do you think louis didn't let harry finish what he was trying to say?


	30. Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:  
> So soon by marianas trench
> 
> Say you love me by jessie ware
> 
> This love by Taylor Swift
> 
> The one by Kodaline

 

 

Harry, Niall and Stella don’t give signal of life for another hour and Louis just really starts acting a bit too grumpy, especially when he has his friends teasing him, Ed joining them because apparently they reached that level of friendship, which right now Louis isn’t that pleasant about.

He can’t sigh too deeply because Delilah will shout _missing your boy already_?, he can’t be quiet for more than two minutes because Ed will snap _thinking about your boy too much?,_ he can’t talk with Zayn neither with Liam because they’re still in shock and freaking out on the inside after the view Louis gave them so he is just there half breathing half killing people in his mind and really he can’t move a muscle without being judge.

Can they blame him? Can he blame them? He doesn’t feel worried just… annoyed and upset, which it can be worse but it only makes Louis feel mad at himself a thing he doesn’t want to allow himself to be. He doesn’t want to feel mad at himself for feeling like Harry had abandoned him, yet he is at the same time he is mad at Harry for making him feel like this. He shouldn’t be, he shouldn’t be jealous, he shouldn’t be this disappointed for not waking up next to a sleepy naked Harry, he shouldn’t but he is and he doesn’t know if he is just making himself look like a fool by following his friends through the festival and wanting to punch them all.

And punch himself, he didn’t even take off Harry’s flower crown from his head yet and maybe that’s why they are teasing him this much. But he also kind of wants to prove something out of it. Not sure what and why but he is. But it’s not like he is gaining something, besides the thought of being touching what is Harry’s and something that reminds him how Harry touched _him_ last night. Is insane and addictive.

Ed tries to feed him cotton candy to make him wake up from life but that only makes the ginger boy take the pink candy out of his hair, his smirk not placed in his face anymore, after Louis had thrown it at him.

“Ed, he preferred Harry to feed him, of course.” Delilah teases again and Louis can’t hit her neither throw the candy at her as well because she wouldn’t mind the difference since her hair is basically the same colour as it – and if Harry was there he would be snapping pictures of her holding the stick with the pink cotton and _dammit_ – so he only sighs in annoyance again. He notices Zayn looking at her in a threatening way, but she only shrugs.

And it’s not like Louis minds it, like, he wants to laugh with the faces his friends do, he isn’t that mad, but he needs to keep the posture and it’s not like it’s easy to simply act as if this whole thing isn’t bothering him even one bit.

So it’s all very confusing and they keep walking around the festival and maybe they meet new people then, making a new group of friends – that actually are Ed’s mates from Australia – and even if there’s this one cute girl flirting with Louis – literally everyone can see it but she is still quite good at it – the blue eyed man is just thinking that he bought Harry these tickets for his anniversary so it was supposed for them to spend the whole time together. They could be separated from the others once in a while but not the otherwise.

“Do you think it’s wrong?” He dares to speak with Zayn after all this time because he knew that if he did it an hour ago Zayn would puke just with the sound of his voice.

“Yes. What you did was very wrong.” Zayn is joking and Louis knows what he is referring to but he wasn’t talking about that, obviously. So he gets closer from Zayn to make him give him full attention. They are close to the tent from the group they met – very indie, very reggae and definitely very smoky around here –, just hanging out around the little bonfire, eating marshmallows and drinking beer, which is a wonderful combination, while Liam is with Delilah and Ronny, if Louis remembers well the name of him, close to their van, the one that caught them their attention since it’s too colourful. He looks around, noticing that the couple next to them is too occupied with each other, before speaking.

“I’m not… Like, do you think it’s wrong for me to want him here next to me? All the time?” Louis asks a bit embarrassed and only because he never really needed to admit to Zayn so clearly that he wanted someone next to him this badly. Sure he had said to Zayn that he needed Harry with him, but that was different. He _needed,_ now he _wants_. He couldn’t have him, now he can. He missed him, now he just craves Harry’s attention. He feels like being next to him all the time because it never seems enough.

“Oh,” Zayn looks at him a bit surprised but somehow, somehow he looks at him in fond. “No. No, little one, it’s not wrong.” He smiles softly. “Look at me, I want Liam next to me all the time. He is there, two steps away from me and I want him closer. I need him closer to feel okay. So never think it is wrong wanting to have the one you love next to you all the time.” He finishes, the same smile playing on his lips and Louis frowns then opens his mouth to interject but words don’t come out and Zayn expected it, he knew Louis was going to want to say something against the exact words he spoke but at the same time he expected him being speechless, not finding words to protest. He doesn’t have reasons for it. “It’s okay.” Zayn nods and Louis feels relief but at the same time he has something weighting on his chest that can’t come out. He wants to scream but he has no voice.

“Hi. Again.” Chloe, the girl who has been hitting on Louis appears next to them again after going God knows where. Louis looks at her and she smiles. He decided that if he was in college this would be the type of girl he would go for if no other boy seemed interested on him. She is definitely Louis’ type. Long legs but curvy, curly brown hair, hazel eyes, full lips, she even has her nose pierced and also might be three years younger than him. But Louis isn’t at college. And he can’t stop thinking about Harry.

“Hi.” Louis answers not really grinning nor smiling as big as her but he does so, only to be nice. He can be nice once in a while, really.

Meanwhile Liam and Ed appear walking in their direction leaving Ronny and Delilah together still talking next to the van. Ed is smoking but Louis isn’t really sure if it’s only a normal cigarette. He notices him asking Zayn if he wants one as well but by the way Liam looks at him, Zayn is almost forced to say no. Ed shrugs and turns to the couple that was supposed to make company to Louis and Zayn and starts chatting with them. He is really outgoing and easy to talk to, Louis decides.

“Missed me?” She asks, still with the same smile on her lips and the way she speaks those words makes it seem so innocent and sweet, Louis had never seen such thing.

“Erm, maybe?” He raises his brow, he can’t even say no because that would seem so rude and she is nice. Louis admits it, she is nice and has nice topics to talk about even though Louis isn’t that really into surfing. But only the fact that she is Australian makes him want to hear her accent.

“Oh yeah?” She gets a bit closer to him from the chair she sat on but is subtle about it, then giggles giving sparks to her eyes. He wonders if she had also smoked something before they met because Louis doesn’t think she can be like this all the time.

Louis clears his throat and looks away from her, hoping that it can work as some kind of answer. He mentally tells Zayn to help him with this but now that Liam arrived he doesn’t think his mind is going to work right. Zayn clearly doesn’t need any type of weed because Liam makes its work, really.

“You’re very… interesting, Louis.” She continues speaking softly and looks forward too maybe trying to find what Louis is looking at, which is clearly nothing but she doesn’t need to know he is gay and not interested at all thank you very much.

Well… she does need. But Louis has no nice way to tell her.

“Indeed.” He says and she laughs again.

“Your friend is getting along pretty well with Ronny.” Chloe points out, looking at the side at them, when Delilah laughs at something the guy says, who keeps his hand on the van hood next to her waist.

“She is.”

“She is very pretty, isn’t she?” Again the girl sounds so nice and genuine, there’s nothing behind her tone of voice. Louis looks at her and she meets his eyes, sweetly smiling again and nodding maybe waiting for an answer.

“Yes. Yes she is.” Louis agrees and oh man he needs to get away from here because the smoke is making his brain dizzy and he is feeling too trapped even though he is outside.

“You’re a very pretty boy too, Louis.” He actually laughs at this and she looks confused at him. “Hey! What?”

“I never heard a girl calling me pretty.” He keeps laughing a little, this almost reminds him how he used to call Harry pretty, because yes, Harry is pretty. Pretty is a good word to describe Harry since he was a little boy. Louis doesn’t feel himself being pretty and never imagined a girl ever calling him that. Yet, he wouldn’t mind listening it from Harry… Of course he is thinking about Harry right now. “Besides, I’m a man, not a boy my lady.”

“ _My lady_.” She repeats Louis’ words. “I like that.” She smiles and is it Louis just paranoid or is she getting even closer from him? Amazing how she didn’t fall from her chair yet, neither noticed the hickeys on Louis’ skin – or maybe she did, she is just ignoring them. “You know what I like too?” Louis sees her leaning over at him and he can’t breathe. “Your flower crown.” She says in a more childish tone and raises her hand to get it from Louis’ head to put in her own, perhaps.

His blue eyes go wide and the moment she touches it to take it from him he grabs her wrist and takes it from her to put again above his hair. “Right. This stays here.” He says a bit coldly, not really noticing his reaction. He notices Liam’s eyes – and maybe Zayn’s too but mostly Liam’s – on him, catching his action and the girl pouts. She literally pouts as if she was a little kid and really how old is she? “Sorry.” He apologises.

“That was really mean, Louis.” She says sweetly, _sweetly_ , and Louis should be finding her annoying but he isn’t so there’s something wrong with this girl.

“I know. I’m sorry.” He sighs and looks away from her. Jesus he wonders what’s wrong with him… fuck, he knows what’s wrong and it’s not only the fact that is weirdly hot today and the smell of weed is recognisable.

“I don’t know if I can apologise you easily.” She rests her hand on his shoulder, squeezing a bit and is it normal that he is comparing her touch in his skin with Harry’s? Because even though her hands are softer than Harry’s, he feels like it’s warmer when it’s Harry’s hands. With hers, he can even feel her nails, the coldness contrasting with his hot skin and it’s just vague. He doesn’t feel the spark.

And Louis is starting to feel that hot breathe hitting his neck and it doesn’t give him goose grumps, doesn’t excite him, doesn’t make him want more and he notices that this is what he has been feeling this whole time. This whole time he got involved with people at college, that’s why he gave up and started to dislike this whole thing. Because he wasn’t feeling anything, he wasn’t feeling what Harry gives to him.

“Erm, how old are you?” He decides to ask because this is getting uncomfortable and it might be the only question that doesn’t make him act like a dork. Almost.

“Legal.” She smirks and for the first time Louis doesn’t see innocence in her eyes, it’s like she changes. Louis almost wants to throw himself in the bonfire in front of him because after analysing his questions, he was asking for this. He is lucky that the fire by now is low.

Louis probably looks at her kind of shocked kind of looking like a thirteen innocent and virgin boy, which by the way he was during that age – maybe not that innocent but – and basically it’s all written in his face. 

What is he gonna do? _What am I gonna do?_

“Ed, mate!” and what the fuck?

Louis could probably break his neck by how fast he turns his head to meet the owner of the voice. Harry fucking Styles appears, smiling like the sunshine he is, wearing black skinny jeans and a rolling stones shirt, looking hipster as fuck with his sunglasses covering his fantastic green eyes and Louis wants to puke at the same time he wants to jump into a puddle of red petals.

It’s almost as if Louis didn’t know him and was in a bar and suddenly a hot boy appears from outside, with his curls blowing as if he was walking on the catwalk along with the music playing – here being the music played on the festival – and everyone wants to buy him a drink and take him to the closest toilet to do whatever they have to do. And it’s obscene, yes and the girl next to him probably feels attracted to the greatness of his fit and tall body instead and it makes Louis want to push her out of her chair. Finally.

He has a big mark on his neck and everything around is blurry except Harry’s shiny skin for Louis because he did that. He marked him, he knows that but half of the people around him don’t but Louis wished he could tell them. 

Apparently, Harry knows the Australian group too, Louis doesn’t feel that surprised now, especially if they’re Ed’s friends, the probability of Harry knowing them too was high. So he greets everyone, maybe introduces Niall and Stella to them and then they reach Louis and Chloe’s side. The fact that Louis wasn’t the first person Harry’s eyes landed on, makes him pissed.

“Hi, Chloe, nice to see you.” He gives her his polite, dimply and white teeth smile, making Louis violently roll his eyes, and takes his glasses off, to put them in the collar of his shirt, the fucker.

“Nice to see you too, handsome.” She stands up and gives him a kiss on his cheek and well, maybe she is a flirt all the time with pretty boys, since apparently, Louis is one too. Why doesn’t he hate her already?

Harry slides his hand off from her waist, where he previously had rested for three seconds when she leaned close to him. Louis wants his hands on his waist too. All the time. All over his body then.

“Hi, Louis!” He smiles and doesn’t touch him, maybe his smile changes adding a bit more of spark but that’s all. Louis finally has Harry in front of him but it’s like he can’t touch him and doesn’t he want those lips touching his since he woke up… “I see that you met Chloe.” He keeps smiling but Louis says nothing, doesn’t even move from his chair and Harry didn’t and doesn’t feel that touched with the fact that the girl is too close from him and now has her hand rested on his thigh, which when the hell did he give her permission to do it?

But it’s not like he is doing something against it, because Harry isn’t bothered. Maybe. Probably. And Louis is more pissed now, especially when he comes back from nowhere, after all these hours, with Niall – and Stella – next to him after leaving Louis bared naked in a tent after last night and he looks good. Too good for his own health.

“Hi Louis.” Niall greets smiling like the idiot he is and Louis isn’t sure who he wants to punch right now. There’s so many options. So he gives him that sassy, ironic smile he usually gives to Niall 24/7 when he speaks, making Chloe and Harry laugh. _It’s not funny_ , he wants to say, but he just sighs in annoyance.

Maybe that’s when Harry looks at him concerned but quickly changes it, looking from Chloe’s hand on Louis’ thigh, to her face. “So, are you going to stay here for the whole festival?” He asks and her smile keeps in her face like it’s painted there.

Louis looks at the side, where Zayn is – more like Zayn and Liam are, since he is sat on his lap – and yes. They’re looking at him and they know. Louis isn’t sure if they’re amused or just worried, but he shakes that off. Literally, he shakes his head and looks up at Stella who is sitting in front of him. She gives him an apologetic but caring smile and he thinks that with that gesture she says _it’s okay love_ , so he frowns and looks away from her to look at Niall. He is listening to Harry and Chloe talking with each other – and why are they still stood up when she is sat, is just weird, everything is weird. – and then feels Louis’ eyes on him.

He smiles. Of course, because Niall is so good, such an angel fallen from the sky and everyone is blessed to look at his face. Louis wants to punch him in the face, again. So he mouths exactly that, _I want to punch you in the face_. Niall laughs _yeah we can do that later_ , he answers and Louis frowns once again, the idiot probably understood something else.

Louis looks down then, not allowing himself to look at Harry’s face or he would go blind by how shiny it is. He starts playing with his bracelet on his wrist and he can only listen Chloe’s voice, he blocks Harry’s out of his brain. The little shit is probably playing around with him and that not only makes Louis sad but also mad. He is craving Harry’s attention, is pathetic.

“Maybe I should let you two then, you seemed to be having a nice conversation.” Louis hears and looks up to stare at Harry.

“Yeah, sure, leave us.” Louis hears his own voice and he doesn’t recognise himself. But how can Harry be so stupid right now? How can he be doing this to him and hurt him to this point? How can he not see that Louis doesn’t want him to leave but want him not to let him go?

Dammit he almost wants to shout _I bought us these fucking pricey tickets so we could have a good time and you leave me after we have sex_?!

Harry’s expression is unreadable and maybe Louis spoke a bit too loud because everyone is looking at him. Chloe doesn’t get it so she probably thinks Louis is interested on her, the others must think he is just rude and his friends know that Louis is making a scene because he wants Harry all to him, which they might understand too well.

“Come on, Niall.” Harry says disappointed and walks away from the two. He dares to even say that, to walk with Niall next to him as if he ruled the place. Louis couldn’t feel madder.

Maybe he expected Louis to make him stay but Louis isn’t one of whining and Harry should know how self-conscious this makes him feel, how hard expressing these kind of feelings is but he dares to be this disrespectful. Seven years ago this wouldn’t happen.

Seven years ago Louis had his Harry all to himself.

~*~

Twenty minutes pass and Louis is stuck with Chloe on his side and Zayn and Liam on the other changing from between sending him worried looks that he tends to ignore and participate in the conversation from the other, including Ed, Stella, Niall, Harry and the other three Australians from the new group. Delilah had settled down with Ron, not sure how they didn’t get out of topics to talk about since they’re still on the same position, next to the van talking.

Louis had made the big decision that if Harry wants to play this stupid game he will. So during this time he had let Chloe flirt with him how much she wants to – even though he doesn’t go much with the flow – every time he sees Harry laughing at something Niall says, touches him for no apparent reason and when Niall sinks his fingers on Harry’s soft hair.

They look at each other, they do and Louis almost feels intimidated by the way Harry’s eyes look at him up and down, maybe checking him out but then when he sees Chloe so close to him, sometimes even so close that it seems she is whispering on his ear, he looks away, trying to distract himself with the people around him.

Louis doesn’t know who is being the childish here, but he hopes he wins this one. Yet, it’s making him feel weird and just wants to finish this. Wants to say _fuck it_ , put his pride and worries to the side and walk towards Harry kissing him deeply in front of everyone, telling everyone who fault was of those hickeys on their skin. However, the reality is that he does nothing.

“So guys what do you say about going to eat something and then save our place on the field for the show tonight?” Manson suggests, his girlfriend looks up at him and kisses his jaw. They’re disgustingly in love, they look worse than Liam and Zayn and Louis is looking around and seeing these couples, with a stable and admitted relationship and then there’s him.

“Who’s going to perform?” Niall asks, a beer on his hand and Louis doesn’t feel impressed with his question.

“Kodaline, Niall.” Stella answers, rolling her eyes.

“Thanks, love.” Niall smiles at her and Louis raises his eyebrows.

“We should go see them together.” Chloe leans over him and says. Louis feels Harry’s eyes on him and he knows he listened to her words, he even shuts his fists placed above his lap and isn’t subtle at all with the way he clenches his jaw. _Serves you right_ , Louis thinks, _for leaving me to go for a walk with your so adorable friend_.

“Yeah…” Louis answers and even though he doesn’t say it as enthusiastic as he should, it’s enough for Chloe to smile and Harry to fume. Louis and Harry playlist is formed mostly of their songs and Louis was so looking forward to watch them in Harry’s arms like last night. When he got to know they made part of the set list this year, he almost burst into tears by just picturing him and Harry listening and watching them live. Then this happens and he feels like going to his tent and not coming outside again.

 _Shit_ , it’s not even his tent, is his and Harry’s tent.

“Well, Liam and I have some plans but we will catch up with you all later. Save us some space.” Zayn informs them and _no, no, no,_ Louis isn’t ready to be around all this people without Zayn next to him. He won’t do it, he would lose control.

“I’m going with them.” Louis says right away and stands up when his two friends do the same. Zayn looks at him but Louis avoids his eyes, what his eyes might be saying.

“All right, lads, give Ed a call or something.” Manson stands up with his girlfriend under his arm, everyone following his moves. Louis notices once again Harry’s eyes landed on him and this time he actually meets them, looks deeply into them and waits, he actually is stupid enough to wait for something. But nothing comes.

They start putting their stuff on the side ready to go and Harry drops his eyes from Louis. Maybe he thinks the older guy needs space, thinks that if he tries something, he will be too mad to actually listen to him… and Louis puts that option, kind of understands but Harry always tries. Right now he isn’t.

“Can I go with you too?” Chloe sticks on his side and Louis is too irritated to even complain about her presence.

“Whatever you want to do.” He says not even looking at her and that’s when he hears Harry literally sighing in annoyance, harshly putting the chair he was previously sat on, on the side and starting to walk away alone. Eventually Niall starts following him, Ed and Stella give Louis a warning look and even if everyone else finds it odd, they ultimately go in the same direction the other two walked to, after Liam trying to make things less weird, _he acts like that when he wants to go to the bathroom, babe, let’s go shall we?_ , which of course it was just worse but makes everyone disperse to where they intend to go.

“You just casually want to have a three some with us?” Zayn is the one talking right after they start walking, he looks at Chloe who looks very much clueless of the whole thing obviously and adds, “Well, four some.” He twists his nose and Louis sighs.

“Seriously?” Louis looks at his best friend.

“It seemed very much opportune.” Zayn jokes and Liam pats his back. Louis guesses that maybe he is right since, _Liam and I have some plans_ , might have sounded something like _have some plans in our tent with lube, lots of swearing and noises_. They recovered pretty fast after the incident this morning.

“Shut up.” Louis rolls his eyes. “Give me a cigarette please.” Louis asks nervously and Zayn considers it before taking the pack from his pocket and giving it to him plus the lighter.

“I feel like something is out here.” Chloe points out, trying her best to walk as fast as the three boys.

“Really? You’re so perceptive.” Liam snaps and the two other guys look at him shocked. “I’m sorry but this acting is getting on my nerves.” And wow, for something to get on Liam’s nerves must be something big. Louis is looking at his friends with his eyes wide open, the cigarette between his fingers and he almost sees the Liam from that time he wanted to punch Ed because he thought he was flirting with Zayn. “She has been all over you when you clearly showed being uncomfortable with the whole situation. You met him today darling, you won’t get married tomorrow.” Liam says once they stopped and looks at her asking for her full attention.

“Liam!” Louis warns him and the guy composes himself, showing his peaceful expression again. Zayn doesn’t say anything, just stares at him and Louis almost wants to slap him for being turned on by his boyfriend getting mad. But he might understand the feeling. 

Chloe is also shocked looking at him, frozen in the middle of the festival with people walking around. Louis is watching the moment she starts crying, really. “I didn’t particularly pulled her away either, so don’t talk to her that way.” Louis continues. Especially when Harry appeared that’s when Louis was decided to let Chloe get as close to him as she pleased, to affect the younger guy.

“I’m sorry.” Liam sighs and looks down then. “I just don’t like see you two like that.” He says, his voice lower and Louis knows he is referring to him and Harry. Unusual side of Liam being showed now.

Chloe looks at Liam then at Louis and decides to stop there. “I’m sorry I –“

“Hey, it’s all right.” Louis smiles softly at her, is the least he can do, be nice to her after everything. “Jesus, I’m the one who should apologise.” He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair frustrated.

The Killers start playing by the radio that is transmitting music to the whole festival and Louis needs to take another deep breathe. This wasn’t supposed to happen. All of this. How stupid is he?

“I don’t even understand what happened there to be honest.” Zayn finally speaks, confusion taking over him.

“Me neither.” Louis says honestly, he fucked up as much as Harry did, he guesses that maybe he was too upset to think right by that time.

“I’m confused too.” Chloe speaks again. “Should I leave you now? I feel like your friend hates me and you don’t really want me here now.”

“Fuck, no, Chloe.” Louis looks apologetically at her at the same time Liam says “I don’t hate you.” She looks at them as if she is about to say something but stops herself from doing it.

“How about we’re all going to eat some hot dogs and then talk?” Zayn suggests and Louis looks at him but at the inside he is shouting _thank you, you’re the best_. Zayn nods because he almost can listen to it.

So they end up finding a stall where they buy their hotdogs and Chloe chooses something else since Louis finds out she is a vegetarian, which is interesting, he had never met someone like her. Louis doesn’t know how they do it, but they’re probably starting to walk in circles with their food in their hands, drink on the other and talking.

“He was mad.” Chloe says and Louis feels like Liam is going to be sarcastic again and say something like _every time you talk you make sure to remind me how perceptive you are_ , Louis teaches him right, but he sees the brown eyed guy gulping those words and just laugh a little due her words. “You made him mad.”

“He made me mad too.” Louis defends himself, but really he doesn’t want to keep lying to himself about this.

“You should have talked to him.” She continues, Zayn and Liam just watch them attentively. Louis knows, by the way Zayn is looking at him that he is impressed by all of this because Louis opened himself to someone beside him, beside Harry and even beside Liam. Louis kind of came out of his comfort zone, came out to someone besides his group of friends and decided to trust her and tell her about what he feels.

It was funny how she didn’t find herself surprised when Louis said Harry was gay and just a little bit when Louis said that they were kind of having a thing _, I don’t know what type of thing but it involves us doing stuff and being very nice to each other and I find myself liking it a lot and wanting to have it forever_ , he said to her. Also, it was very nice the way she reacted when Louis told her that he knew Harry since they were seven but when they were eighteen, they split up because of some controversies but finally found each other last year after five apart.

“Maybe I should but he knows me so well, he should have known how I was feeling but it was like I wasn’t there for him.”

“Maybe he was waiting for you to tell him that everything was okay.” Zayn interrupts Chloe from talking and when she looks at him, she agrees, as if the words he is speaking are the words she was meant to say. “Perhaps he thought that he needed the green light to keep acting normal, to know that for you everything was fine. Or he didn’t know where he stood up in your life and wanted you to tell him by free will, to not make you feel uncomfortable.” _Right_.

“He should know that it was… okay.” Louis whispers, wanting to say it to himself but they all listen to him.

 

“Did you tell him how you feel already?” Chloe asks and Louis almost gags on his water. Why is he even drinking water? He needs another cigarette.

“Zayn, need a smoke.” He says as if he didn’t listen to Chloe’s question.

“I think you were starting to smoke less.” And he was. He is. But he smokes when he is nervous and maybe with Harry more around he hasn’t felt as anxious and depressed as he would, but right now he is nervous and desperate so he needs it.

“And I am, but I need one. Now.”

“No.” Zayn simply says. “You didn’t answer Chloe.” And he hates that Zayn knows how he feels most of the time. Chloe looks at him and yep, she’s waiting for something.

“Kind of.” He frowns to himself. “Maybe no.”

“Maybe?” She raises her brow.

“Yeah maybe,” he says a bit more desperate and louder. “I don’t know, we already talked about this, us, but damn it’s obvious he should know I’m fucking in love with him.” He slips out, talking fast and not giving time to think if he truly wants to say it out loud. “Shit.” He curses and gets his available hand towards his hair. “Can I have the cig now?” He looks broken at Zayn, who gives at him after a big and meaningful look.

“Then how do you expect him to know that it is, in fact, okay?” Chloe points out and Louis only answers after giving a drag and shoving the pack in his own pocket.

“He just knows, all right?” he doesn’t look at them. “He knows me so I know he does.” He lowers his voice “He has to.” He says more to himself and starts walking a bit faster. After everything, if Louis has no doubts about his own feelings, it’s impossible for Harry not know about them too, he probably even saw them before Louis had considered thinking about it.

~*~

Awkward. If there’s a word to describe the mood right now that’s the one. Everyone is standing on their places in front of the stage, this time actually close to it. It’s already the sunset and the sky is beautiful.

 _Harry is beautiful_. Louis finds himself thinking, looking at the tall boy standing four people besides him. Far. He is so far from Louis and he can’t take his eyes off from him, maybe hoping that like this the green eyed boy can notice him and _look_ at him. But Harry looks mad, pissed. He keeps his jaw clenched, he hasn’t talked with anybody, he keeps static where he is and Louis bets his feet hurt but he is just stubborn to sit on the floor for a little like they all have done some times.  

He has Chloe next to him, whose image, for Louis, has changed a lot after their talk. She doesn’t flirt with him, so it kind of feels like talking with Delilah now. Zayn makes sure not to leave him too, of course then there’s Liam, right next to him Stella and then Niall, being the one next to Harry. Right now Louis doesn’t even feel jealous of him anymore, Harry doesn’t give him any attention. Ed and Ronny tried to talk with him already but Louis only gives them dry and simple answers.

 _He is being the childish, he won_. Louis actually gives him the merit, since he is mad too but isn’t making _this scene_. But since he is winning Louis decides that he is not going to talk to him. His green eyes can’t even meet his blue ones, Harry seems to be battling with himself not to do it. Louis wouldn’t be able to hold for this long because he always has to have a look of Harry.

He sighs, the concert is almost starting and they still haven’t talked. This is so idiotic like they’re fighting without even talking with each other, and for what? Stupid, it’s all stupid and Louis doesn’t know what to do, it’s becoming ridiculous.

The worst of this is that Louis is still wearing Harry’s stupid flower crown and even if he wants to take it, he can’t. First he couldn’t give it to him, second it’d beat the record of the stupidest fight ever and third he simply doesn’t want to let this part of Harry go. He didn’t even let Chloe touch it previously, dammit he is done.

“Have you ever seen them?” He hears Chloe’s sweet voice next to him, catching his attention and turning away from Harry’s sight.

“No.” He shakes his head at the same time he speaks. “Was looking forward to this. Seeing them tonight.” _With him_ , he wants to say but he doesn’t need to because Chloe does so.

“With him.” Louis sighs, it’s almost dramatic and then nods agreeing with her. “He is right there, you know?”

“Doesn’t seem so.” He answers, it’s already so crowed around them, even if he wanted to run away he couldn’t.

“You gay people are so complicated.” She jokes, his tone of voice changing.

“Excuse me? Have you seen the news? Have you walked around the street? You straight people are disgusting.”

“Thank you dear.” She smiles and Louis notes the irony, he laughs a little, shaking his head, his eyes on the floor.

It’s all too blurry and quickly then because in a minute he is seeing the ground and in the other he is seeing the ground _moving_. Or he is the one moving. He feels a strong hand on his forearm pushing him through the crowd and he doesn’t even have time to apologise to them. He takes his hand to hold the crown on his head and lets him being kidnapped, literally he can’t even say anything and his mouth isn’t even covered.

But then he stops and is all the way out of the crowd, on the side of the stage part. He didn’t even notice the time it took. “What the fuck?” He is able to speak and maybe he didn’t mean, he didn’t _want_ to be this harsh but the circumstance asked for it. Harry is in front of him, his fist shut on his side and his gaze hurts on Louis, is trespassing him like blades and he says nothing. “Oh, don’t do this.” Louis says sounding offended. He wants to be nice but he can’t, he has no control over his words and reactions especially when so suddenly Harry decides to remember that Louis exists and they need to talk. “I am the one right here.” Harry frowns and his face gets even more upset, _okay Louis you’re amazing_. “Dammit,” He whispers to himself and kicks a small rock from the ground. “You just didn’t have reasons to do this on the first place.” He speaks this as if Harry was reading his mind and knowing exactly why he is mad at him.

“She was all over you and you let her.”

“I wouldn’t have let her being all over me if you haven’t left me in that tent in the morning to go for a walk with Niall.” He says harshly and raising his voice.

“So you were doing that as revenge?”

“Yes, I was doing that to piss you off and make you do something, but apparently you didn’t give a fuck.” Harry keeps frowning, his voice isn’t near as loud as Louis but mad, he is pissed, so pissed.

“Didn’t give a fuck? If she was a guy I would have punched her, not caring if she was my friend or not. Do you know how fucking disturbing that is?” Harry asks him, his face getting close to Louis but he gives a step backwards in a way to protect himself.

“Fuck you,” Louis groans in frustration. “You made me so mad, just the fact that you appeared there, greeting everyone all nice and shit and then you come to me and say _Hi Louis_ , then it was like I didn’t exist for you. You didn’t even try to talk to me, didn’t explain to me.” His voice breaks a little at the end, the sky is becoming darker and Louis doesn’t feel like keeping this conversation till the stars appear up in the sky. “Didn’t explain to me why you left. Do you realise how bad I felt when I woke up with the other side empty?” He lowers his voice and Harry had relaxed his shoulders, probably because he doesn’t feel angry anymore but rather concern and upset. “And then knowing you left with Niall. And Stella but…” He sighs. “For hours and then you look at me as if nothing happened as if it didn’t… it didn’t –“

“Don’t.” Harry interrupts him and it’s almost painful for Louis to look at him. “I woke up and saw you next to me like that and… I freaked out. Last night started playing on my mind and you looked so perfect laid down next to me, it made every thought cross my mind. I was afraid that when you’d wake up you would freak out too so I didn’t know if it was okay. If you’d be okay with everything.”

“You know me, what the hell Harry? Six years ago you didn’t doubt about anything, you knew when it was okay –“

“That was six years ago, Louis!” Harry raises a bit his tone of voice but it’s not like he is getting mad again, is because he has this point and he wants to Louis really understand it. Louis knows that they’re talking about the same thing and that thing is their feelings. Six years ago Harry didn’t have any doubt about them, about how Louis would feel, he shouldn’t be feeling the otherwise now. Not after everything. “That was such a long time ago, we talked about it already. It’s not that I’m insecure and have doubts but I panicked okay? And was afraid of doing something wrong. I don’t want to do anything wrong Louis,” His voice gets lower and his eyes get brighter.

“I want this to be okay for both, I want to make sure anything ruins us,” _Us._ “because now we’re more exposed, our space got bigger, it’s not just me and you between four walls, it’s me and you and the world. We’re older, we have responsibilities and other priorities and we’re different people now. Fuck, I feel jealous of every person who comes across and looks at you, who talks to you… I’m jealous of Zayn when he touches you, when you touch him, when he calls you pet names, when he takes care of you… he fucking lives with you that makes me crazy.” He laughs at himself, letting a sigh leave his lips and is his turn to take his fingers through his hair. “Louis, this is all so new, now you have a different past where I don’t belong to. That past makes me worry about everything I do because I still don’t know how to handle certain things so I can become your future. I probably don’t even know everything and maybe I won’t ever but... That’s why I went for a walk with Niall and Stella, so I could talk with them, hear their opinion. I needed help either way I’d freak out right there because I couldn’t talk to you about – about you. _Jesus_ , do you know what I mean?” he asks then agitated and while he had probably stepped on the whole ground Louis can’t move.

The shorter man shakes his head but it’s not really to answer Harry’s question but more like to show what he is feeling. “Yes you could. You should have talked to me about this. This, what you told me right now, I deserved hearing it right before I woke up. Instead you left me there wondering if you had just regretted everything, that maybe you thought it didn’t matter that much… do you realise that it even crossed my mind the possibility of you abandoning me like the last time?” He says almost sadly and Harry mouths, whispers to himself _fuck_ and Louis bites his bottom lip. “I would understand it all… I would make you see how much this,” He points his index between their bodies, to Harry and himself at time. “is okay to me. How fucking okay I am with this. How great you make me feel, how important you are to me and how much I want everything you probably are thinking about but wondered if I really wanted or not. Because I want everything you want to give me, want everything we gave each other back then and what we could but didn’t give. I want it now, I want you forever in my life and don’t want to let you go, I don’t want to lose you Harry because –“

His words are swallowed by Harry’s lips being roughly pressed against his and the stars aren’t even up on the sky yet but they’re kissing each other already. Louis might even let out a noise in surprise with the sudden move but he doesn’t waste time when he is kissing Harry back, as vigorously as he is too. Because dammit, he was craving this touch for so long, he doesn’t even care if he hasn’t finished his sentence, if three minutes ago he wanted to punch Harry in the face to notice him, Louis is touching his lips and that’s all that matters to him right now.

Harry hardly cups his cheeks in both his hands and he isn’t even slowly moving his lips against Louis’, it’s like he is in rush to do it but at the same time Louis knows he won’t do it quickly. It kind of seems like he is whispering Louis’ names in heavy breaths and that only makes the older guy press their hips close together and hold him still.

Then Louis understands. Harry isn’t only calling for his name.

 _I love you._ And they’re walking backwards. _My Louis._ And Harry is putting his hands under his thighs, making Louis hold himself on his waist and he almost thinks Harry had everything planned when he is pressing the blue eyed guy back on a tree and joins his own body against Louis. _I love you so much._ He keeps whispering, his lips still attached and Louis isn’t even kissing him back anymore, only has one hand on Harry’s shoulders and the other on his hair because he can’t. _I love you, Lou._

Harry is being sweet now but his kisses are still so dominant as well as messy but kind of perfect. They can hear the singers getting on stage and maybe people walk past them but anything matters unless is their bodies and if they’re incredible close and warm.

“Lou,” Harry pulls his lips away, his parted mouth still close to Louis’ jaw but his eyes search for his blue ones. His strength helps Louis to keep still but he gets one of his hands from under Louis’ thigh to touch his cheek. “why? Why are you crying my love?” Louis shakes his head and unlike the wet tears that stream down his face, he is smiling and petting Harry’s hair.

“It’s been so long since I hear you saying that to me.” Harry sweetly caresses his cheekbones but smiles too and yes this is definitely perfect.

“I never stopped loving you. Yeah?” Louis nods, sniffling and he probably is an idiot for crying only by hearing Harry saying this to him but really, no one can blame him. He leans over and presses one quick and soft kiss on Harry’s lips and they can’t stop smiling, it’s amazing. “I love you.” Harry is grinning by now and that only makes Louis give him a similar kiss. And maybe another. And just one more. “Hmm, looks better on you.” He says then, the third time Louis pulls away, referring to the flower crown Louis didn’t dare to take off. It makes him blush, especially when he thinks that maybe it might have crossed Harry’s mind that Louis didn’t take it off because it’s _his_ and it reminded him everything they did.

He looks away, exposing his neck to Harry and that’s just the opportune moment for him to lean over, slightly bite the skin there and kiss all over again the same spot even if it’s already marked from last night. It makes Louis shiver so then he says, slowly turning his gaze to Harry again. “Kiss me more.” And Harry does, Harry kisses him and when Louis feels like he is going to pull away, he pulls his back by his nape and whispers “Don’t stop.” And Harry doesn’t. Harry doesn’t want to stop either so it turns from a soft kiss to one hungrier, desperate, growing up the lust between their bodies.

It reaches the moment when they literally have to keep their lips parted by how breathless they’re getting. Their tongues fight with each other but Louis lets Harry be in control till he is the one first thrusting his hips against Harry’s hard on. And really, they’re outside where everybody can see them, where five steps ahead there is a huge crowd ready to watch a concert but Louis just wants _HarryHarryHarry_ and his touch. He doesn’t think, the oxygen doesn’t reach his brain and the heartbeat he feels might belong only to Harry’s. He is beating for Louis and now he is also hard for him.

He receives a moan coming from Harry when the band starts introducing themselves and speaking with the crowd and when right in the time Harry starts meeting Louis’ thrust they start playing some kind of instrumental, they maybe start singing too but Louis doesn’t hear. Louis can only hear Harry’s pants close to his ear.

It’s obscene and crazy and he doesn’t know how this is actually happening. Harry bites his ear and afterwards he is whispering dirty words to Louis, actually breathless and his voice sounding huskier, which is worst. Something like _think about what I did to you last night and how good it made you feel_ _and I wished I could fuck you right here against this tree_ , which is rude because Louis literally whimpers and Harry’s hips are synchronised with the song so _what the fuck_?

“Harry, please,” Louis grabs a fist of his hair from the back, pulling Harry closer to his face. The younger guy presses kisses in the skin he catches, his neck, jaw, lips, face, doesn’t really matter Louis feels already glad by how close they are and how much contact they’re getting.

Louis thinks Harry kind of giggles when their hips start moving a bit faster and messily and that’s when he stops and it must have been a struggle for him. It is for Louis and he wonders how many self-control he did to have right now to be able to stop when it started feeling so good.

“Not here baby.” He half whispers above Louis’ lips, letting his feet touch the floor again slowly and delicately. Louis gets his knee between Harry’s legs, pressing a little and it makes Harry shut his eyes and join his lips for a second but then he is opening them, grabbing Louis’ wrists and trapping him again against the tree, smirking. “And not now.” Louis whimpers again, probably in protest and by how sad and even needed that sentence makes him feel. “We should watch the show tonight.” Louis’ eyes get that sparkle and it’s not because of the light around them because that one is poor. Louis’ eyes right now look rich and his heart is warm and his shorts tight on him. But he ignores that last one.

“Okay.” Louis finds himself smiling and Harry does too, it’s lovely and it makes him change from the person he seemed to be a minute ago. They changed, wow, they changed so much.

“Okay.” Harry smiles too, gets Louis closer to him, under his arm and leans over to kiss his temple. “I love you.” Louis hears him saying and before he can say something, Harry is turning his head so he looks at his green eyes, by his chin, and presses a gentle kiss on his lips.

A new song starts, making Harry sing song all the verses from it to him, since _tell me that you want me and I'll be yours completely_ , to _you make my heart feel like it's summer when the rain is pouring down_ and to _life is easy to be scared of with you I am prepared for what is yet to come_ , so Louis was right. This would be better with Harry next to him, especially when he had just told him that he loved him. Harry Styles loves Louis Tomlinson. Better said, never stopped loving Louis Tomlinson.

So they do as said, they watch the whole show even though they are, once again, far away from the stage when they could be in the front row, this time very hard and very sweaty but after it finishes, their lips are attached to each other again and maybe in the morning they receive weird looks from everyone, including their friends because they might have been too loud. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » felt kind of bad for not posting last week but yeah i warned you guys! anyway big things happened in this chapter woah and the fact that it happened this with Chloe and Louis was good to kind of see the way he reacted to it and then how the character development worked when he spoke to her. not sure about the questions i can ask besides what do you think it'll happen in the next chapters, idk guess i like hearing your theories. hope you all had a great week!


	31. Learning

At the last day of the festival they all decide to sit down around the bonfire, after watching the show, not caring if it’s 1 or 2am, they talk. Just catching up with the whole group, including the new one they met from Australia. Louis asked for Chloe’s number so he made her promise him that when she visits the UK again she’ll call him, also she told him to search for her Facebook page on Ed’s so they can keep in touch.

However, next year they’re probably all coming back together and the fact that they actually talked about it, with all seriousness makes Louis’ heart melt. It’s a bizarre situation but he has friends, he made new friends and they’re expecting to still be friends next year. That doesn’t scare Louis. What’s planned. It could scare him. He planned so many things during his life and more than half of them didn’t become what he wished. But he grew up, he changed. He sees the changes in himself and it’s actually a good feeling.

He looks forward and sees Harry laughing at something Ed says to the group and Louis finds himself smiling just with the view, because he didn’t really hear what Ed said, honestly. They agreed on staying separated, as well as Liam and Zayn because everyone knew if they sat together they wouldn’t take their eyes off each other. At least Liam and Zayn. They included Harry and Louis but it was just for teasing because they know – at least Delilah, Stella, Niall and Ed know – that they aren’t like Zayn and Liam. Especially because they aren’t boyfriends. Yet. And also because they don’t do that;  _public affection_.

Louis doesn’t know what is kissing Harry in front of their friends, walking through the street holding his hand. Yes they’ve shared some kisses in public but for example Zayn never saw Louis’ lips near Harry’s. Even at home, they always waited till he went to bed to touch each other. Ed never saw Harry’s hands squeezing Louis and getting his body close to him. When they go to Ed’s house they act just like mere friends. Niall… Niall only know that they might be a thing because Harry tells him, otherwise he’d be oblivious of it. Or maybe he’d notice it on Louis’ jealousy. Or he’d see it the way they look at each other.

It’s rare for them to show the affection they feel towards each other in front of their friends, which is weird because Louis remembers when they were kids, even close to his family he couldn’t stop touching Harry. He’d sit on his lap, touch his leg, hold his hand while they hung out and even kiss him. Louis liked to have that public exposure, show to everyone that Harry is his and no one can actually touch him unless it’s him. Because Harry would only trust Louis. It was Louis and Louis always.

Now he finds himself enjoying this kind of space but of course that when he sees someone touching Harry, even in the most platonic way he wished he could pull that person away and keep him next to him istead. Close. Of course he would like to kiss Harry every time he says something that makes Louis look at him like he is the whole universe in one person, keep Harry’s feet locked with his under the table when they’re eating with Liam and Zayn out or at home, like the couple do. Of course there are times that Louis wants,  _needs_  to touch Harry, like pulling that hair that is out of place where it should be, touch his arm for no apparent reason, kiss his cheek when he sees him at work, hold his hand when they go down the street and of course he would want to introduce Harry as someone more than  _this is Harry, we know each other since we were seven_.

But he lets it go.

And he doesn’t zone out, either isolates himself from the conversation. He shares the thoughts he had during this amazing experience in the festival, he hears what the others have to say, he even shares the episode when Zayn wanted Harry to give him a piggyback and fell on the floor, which resulted in him apologising to the girl that was walking behind them and trying to convince Liam that he sure prefers his piggybacks.

It reaches the point that it seems like everyone feels too tired and sleepy or maybe they already smoke too much and ate too many marshmallows – Stella and Niall’s case – so the comfort of something with a pillow calls for them. So they start walking to their tents, Chloe deciding to stay with Stella since Delilah runs away with Ronny, Liam already takes Zayn in his arms asleep and Niall makes a tantrum for Ed to do the same with him. It ends up being Harry, Louis and him at the end because Ed doesn’t give two shits about the Irish, which is… uncomfortable.

Harry is laughing, carefully laughing because if he wasn’t careful at all he would be waking up the whole camp with his laughter.

“Do you need something?” Louis raises his eyebrows to Niall, from the other side of the bonfire.

“Yeah, I need Harry.” Niall says and Louis frowns. Harry covers his mouth with his hand and hides his face. Louis wants to punch them both. “Babe, can you take me to bed. Please.” He pouts looking at the side at Harry.

“You call him that one more time and you won’t need to be in your tent to fall asleep. I’ll do that myself. Right here.” He challenges the blond man and Niall doesn’t look as scared as he would look months ago. Christ he couldn’t even say hi to Louis without taking one step back. Probably now he feels more relaxed because he is teasing. Also because he has Harry right next to him and knows he won’t let Louis touch him with one finger.

“I love this.” Niall laughs and Louis rolls his eyes. “Relax man,” he stands up from his chair and smiles at Louis. “He is all yours. Keep him safe.” He mouths the last three words so only Louis can read his lips and then disappears into his tent a bit ahead from the fire.

Louis follows him with his eyes and when he loses Niall’s sight he looks at Harry again. He is in the same position as him. Both arms on the armchairs and his legs spread out. He is like inviting Louis for something but he only keeps his brows raised, staring at the green eyed man, whose face is being illuminated by the small fire in front of them. It’s hot. The night is warm and the fire is only making Louis sweating.

Looking at Harry  _makes_  him sweat.

“God, Louis.” Harry says but it’s not in an amusing way, it comes out like he is sighing and releasing something inside of him. “Why do you need to be like that?”

“Like what?” He rolls his eyes and  _fuck_ , he can’t wait to stand up and touch that masterpiece in front of him, it’s been so long.

“So jealous towards Niall.”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed it yet, but I’m like that with everyone that looks at you and breathes next to you.”

“Hot.”

“Thank you. Just keeping an eye on what is mine.”

“So I’m yours now?”

“You always were.” Harry’s lips crack into a full grin and Louis bites his bottom one to keep his own, so he doesn’t lose his posture in this  _so important_  conversation.

“Will I always be?”

“What? Mine?” Harry nods. “Of course.” Louis nods and says seriously. They aren’t even joking, their tone of voice is far from being amusing. “I promised you a forever, didn’t I? So I’ll give you one.” Louis notices how Harry gulps and grabs the armchairs tightly in his fists and then is smiling again, dragging Louis’ whole world into that smile and  _Christ_ , he can’t keep this distance.

“Come here.” And apparently Harry can’t as well.

Louis finally smiles and gladly stands up from his chair to walk towards Harry. He sits on his lap, throws his arms around Harry’s neck and kisses him deeply in the lips. It’s been fifteen hours since that happened and now Louis will enjoy what is his and he probably won’t ever let that guy go.

Maybe the next day they wake up with the sound of everyone packing and Louis opens his eyes, his neck hurts but he is with his face on Harry’s so it smells good and there’s Chloe on her knees next to the chair they are sleeping in, staring at them as if they’re an unknown creature. He feels Harry squeezing his waist and raising his head to meet the fascinated girl.

“What the fuck, Chloe?” Louis asks and Harry yawns, rubbing his eyes to get rid of the sleep and Louis could be concentrating on that but he is more worried that she will kidnap them only with her look.

“I told her to go away before you’d wake up.” Niall says walking past them with a bag in his hands

“I took a picture.” She raises Harry’s camera and smiles big at them. “You’re welcome.” She hands it to Harry, who almost drops it by how astonished he is with the moment and then she stands up, waving. “See you two next year.” Then she stops and looks back. “Or maybe invite me to your wedding.” She smirks and starts walking away again.

“She is really bizarre.” Louis looks up at Harry, who is already looking at him and they just smile at each other for a moment. “Better if we start packing.” Harry nods but doesn’t pull away, neither stop looking at Louis. It’s like they’re in their own little world and Louis doesn’t notice that around them there’s their friends and maybe they aren’t attentive to the moment they’re sharing, but they are there. And this is something. “My body hurts.”

“Mine too.” Harry laughs and their lips are so close that it’s like Louis doesn’t even need a kiss to feel them.

And it actually doesn’t happen because Niall appears behind them and Louis would never guess he had the strength to lift the chair off the ground to throw them both on the floor.

“I’ll fucking kill you!” Louis shouts standing up from the floor, leaving a Harry on the floor in pain and running after Niall who yells for help.

“They’re getting along better, hum?” Zayn asks looking down at Harry, he looks at him in fond and Harry meets his gaze, scratching the back of his head.

“It seems like they are.” He laughs and Zayn nods, only nods and then smiles, offers him a hand to help him to stand up and he possibly helps Harry packing his and Louis’ stuff because of course Louis won’t do it. And of course he kicks Niall’s ass.

The way back to London almost sounds sad and it’s not only because Zayn and Liam are apart once again –  _you just can’t get your mouth off each other_ , Ed shouts and we’re talking about Ed, who never protests about this.  _Yeah you wished you could be kissing my boyfriend instead didn’t you?_  Liam teases and Ed needs to make another discourse about how much of a straight person he is and how he found Zayn’s tattoos amazing  _that day_ , because it’ll always be reminded.  _You know what also is amazing? My boyfriend, Zayn!_  And Liam gets a snog and Delilah, needs to push them away and put one in one car and the other in another – but because everything is over and summer is at the verge of ending and soon the sky will be sad again.

Louis doesn’t feel sad and he doesn’t expect himself feeling sad in three weeks either so, he sings along the songs in the radio – makes everyone sing them too – and rolls down the window to let the warm wind hit his face.

It seems like they take less time arriving at London and they stop first to drop Zayn and Louis in their flat and Louis regrets getting in the car that Zayn was so if that happened Liam and him wouldn’t get the chance to see each other again and Zayn wouldn’t make him go along with them upstairs. So Louis will have to deal with them both tonight as well.

He rolls his eyes while getting his things from the car and then hears Ed “I feel sorry for you mate.”

“Yeah, me too.” Louis says but he laughs, he is okay with that. Kind of. But yes, his best friend is so in love and Louis never admits it, never did and never will but he likes to see it. Likes to see the way the couple interact together.

“So…” Harry leans over against Ed’s car, Zayn is getting his stuff from the car and Niall had to get out of the one he was to go talk with Stella. Louis thinks he is asking her out. He better be. Finally.

“So…” Louis smiles at him, throwing his bag on his back. He feels all the eyes of his six friends in them but he doesn’t feel bothered.

“Need help to deal with the love birds?” Harry tilts his head to Liam and Zayn, Louis chuckles.

“ _Nãh_ , I will be okay. It will be good for us to be apart tonight.” He smiles even speaking those words. Harry nods, he doesn’t feel offended, he understands what Louis means by that, what he truly needs. He might show a bit of disappointment but Louis knows he needs space too. He wished he could have space but still be next to Louis, but it’ll be more worth it like this. “Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Harry keeps smiling looking at Louis and he looks good and Louis is between wanting to give him a cuddle and fucking him on top of the car. The first one seems almost nothing and the second one might be impossible at the moment. “Thank you for the best birthday present.” Louis glances at Ed, he is not going to say it was his idea even though he wishes that more than ever. He looks back at Harry without giving him time to ask for explanations and smiles once again. Because it’s never enough.

“You’re welcome.” Harry bites his lip and he is a fucking bastard Louis needs to admit it. “I guess I will call you.” But Louis gives a step forward and everyone seems to catch their breath.

“That would be cool.” Harry whispers.

“Nice.” And Louis thinks  _they want a show, I’ll give them a show_. He closes the space between Harry and him and presses their lips together. Is sweet, a bit rough and screams possession and need. Harry is caught off guard even if it was written on Louis’ face _I’m going to kiss your stupid face_ , but he rests his hand on Louis’ cheek and follows his gesture.

Louis almost breaks the act giggling when Harry smiles between their lips but he contains himself, pulls away and attacks Harry’s neck then, sucking his skin and briefly kissing the red spot. If he is going to be away from Harry at least the green eyed guy might as well have something that reminds him of Louis every time he looks at himself in the mirror.

“I will see you then.” He says when pulls away completely, Harry looks high against the car, their friends look at them in awe and Louis walks past all of them with the smuggest look he could ever put on, and walks as if he just won the lottery.

At the end he only won Harry, but for him that’s like being a millionaire.

~*~

It’s a normal day, Louis started working two weeks ago, which was rough starting the routine, seeing new faces in his classes and missing the old ones. But he has been following it all right, being as professional as possible but still showing the Louis Tomlinson that is inside of him.

So normal day, right? He is in his lunch break with Liam and Zayn sat in front of him, of course in the same coffee shop Harry is working in. Stella had taken their order and out of nowhere Niall had sat next to them, deciding that it’d be the great time to take a break and have lunch with them. He is pissing Louis off a bit because he can’t shut up, doesn’t let Louis say a word and is giving him a headache, a thing he was managing to control since the beginning of the morning.

Still normal though.

Louis decides do ignore the Irish lad, Liam punching his arm gradually because  _that’s rude Louis_ , but he decides to get some work done now so he doesn’t end up with his schedule full on the weekend.

Fifteen minutes later and their food arrive and  _oh_  it’s still a normal day but just a little bit better.

“Hi lads.” Harry grins, the whole rays of sunshine in one person and everyone greets Harry in union while Louis just takes some more time staring at him before finally speaking.

“Hello love.” Harry looks down at him, while putting their dishes in the table and gives Louis a smile and then decides to lean over and press a kiss on his forehead at the end.

“Here you go, the last one to my favourite person.” Everyone on the table roll their eyes but Louis doesn’t even see it – because if he saw that they just rolled their eyes at something Harry said, he’d kill them – he only focuses on Harry, who gives a pat on his head before preparing to leave and continue work and that’s Louis’ cue to look down at his plate.

“Thank you, gorgeous. I love you.” He says casually and grabs his cutlery to start eating.

The thing is, Harry stops after only giving two steps away from the table and the three pair of eyes are focused on Louis, who isn’t aware of the situation around him neither at what he said. Because the truth is, Louis has been thinking these three words since the first time he kissed Harry. Every time, he had been saying those same words mentally hoping Harry could get them. Maybe he did, sometimes, others not that much but it didn’t stop Louis to stop thinking about it.

He has been to tell Harry since he said to him in the festival and that same night when Harry said those words over and over again, inked them on Louis’ skin while they made love. And he also wanted to say it the third time Harry told him when they were just cuddling on his mattress, on Harry’s flat after he had seen that Harry put the photograph Chloe took of them sleeping, on the wall next to the others. But every time Louis couldn’t say it, only because Harry didn’t give him the opportunity to do it so.

So then he tried to change method and say it without being in a way of answering Harry. But when he opened his mouth, words didn’t come and Louis would always think  _let’s leave it for another time and say it in a special moment_. So he’d delay it and would almost slip up those three words without intention, because it was so hard not to tell Harry how in love he is with him every time he is next to Louis. He makes it hard to keep it when he is constantly treating Louis the way he is. So soft and sweet, lovely and making Louis feel  _this_  special.

Since it has been normal for Louis to say it on his mind and when they were young they used to say it in the most uncommon moments, Louis doesn’t even realise that maybe he had said it out loud and maybe it isn’t as normal as it should be.

“Why are you…?” Louis starts looking at all his friends and then he looks at the side where Harry’s head is just slightly tilted to look at Louis but in the same moment their eyes meet, Harry turns around and starts walking away quickly far away from their table. “Wha –“ and  _wow Louis you’re slow._  “Shit,” He drops his head and says a bit too loud. “Fuck! Fucking hell!” He looks up at his three friends, lips parted, eyes wide open. “I fucked up.” He covers his mouth with his hand and Liam is smiling now, Niall is looking at Zayn with the biggest grin ever and Zayn has the definition of  _heart eyes_  on his face. “Stop you all. This wasn’t –“ he looks at the counter and Harry is there, rumbling through stuff that probably isn’t doing what he should be doing but is brain is probably not working and he needs to keep himself occupied with something. Even if he has other things to do. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.” His voice gets lower.

Here it goes the special moment he wanted to prepare and tell Harry those three stupid words that apparently have so many meaning.

~*~

Louis spends the rest of the day overthinking about what he just did. And how Harry reacted. Jesus, he had never seen his cheeks so flushed and he couldn’t be more obvious when it was Stella starting to come over their table. So he gets home and prohibits Liam to come with Zayn, saying  _not tonight_ , which it makes Zayn almost go with Liam till Louis reminds him that  _maybe, I don’t know, tomorrow we have work and you’re still stuck with me_ so Liam walks away pouting and Louis grabs Zayn inside and doesn’t let him follow him for a kiss.

At the end Louis doesn’t even want Zayn next to him and lays down on the couch, watching TV and eating cheerio’s alone. He hates cheerio’s and he is twenty five, soon to be twenty six and is acting like a teenager.

Suddenly it comes up to his head that it’s been almost a year since he found Harry, since everything happened and now here they are, saying I love you to each other again, being more than best friends, complementing the other and Louis is happy. A year ago he wasn’t, a year ago he doubted himself, doubted the people around him, doubted his future… now everything is brighter and he is stressing over saying three words he had spoken to Harry over and over again.

The bell rings and Louis sighs loudly as if the past minutes he had been carrying bricks place to place instead of being with his ass laid down on the couch. He doesn’t stand up, he won’t stand up but it rings again and the noise stresses him out even more.

“Louis!” He hears Zayn along the bell, shouting full lungs from his room. “The door.”

“No!” He shouts back, loud enough to be heard and for his voice to crack up at the end.

“Go, you lazy butthole.”

“You are the lazy one here.” The bell rings one more time and he doesn’t know what is the loudest, that, or their voices. “I’m in pain. Do that for me please.” He says lower but Zayn hears, mainly because he had already opened the door from his room.

“It was three fucking words, Louis. You have spoken them before and you have admitted it to yourself as well.” Zayn says easily and Louis groans. He is right and he opened the door from downstairs in Louis’ turn and he is a wonderful person. Zayn is great and Louis is stupid.

He stares at the ceiling, his hands above his belly and on top of the blanket that is covering him. It’s probably Liam, who decided that Louis can’t force him to stop seeing his boyfriend and he will have to deal with the two love birds alone because he was stupid enough not to let Zayn drop him on the coffee shop after work so he could go to Harry’s with him.

There’s the sound of the front door shutting and no, Louis isn’t ready to what is coming… especially when it isn’t what he was expecting.

“Lou?” He hears and looks over at the door from where he is and sees Harry awkwardly standing there.

“What the fuck?!” he says out of nowhere, truly because of the surprise of seeing the tall guy there and suddenly listening to his voice. Then he is getting the blanket over himself, covering his face as if like that Harry wouldn’t find him there, as if  _he would stop being there_  and he wouldn’t have to deal with the real world. He is fucking hiding under the blanket because he is blushing and doesn’t know how to deal with this whole situation.

Of course Harry chuckles due the scene and then Louis hears steps and Harry is getting closer to the couch so underneath the blanket will soon no longer be safe but Louis can’t move, much less breathe, really.

“You can breathe,” so Harry notices, since his body isn’t moving up and down. “you realise I know you’re in there, right?” He laughs again and Louis allows himself to breathe again.

“I was hoping you didn’t.” he says picking out of the blanket, just a little bit though, his fingertips also showing when he uncovers his eyes and nose. He sees Harry smiling and he is such a fucker, smiling like the cute idiot he is, Louis is so in love it makes him sick.

“Does it hurt you something?” He asks and Louis frowns but then realises he groaned out loud so that’s why Harry is asking that.

He sighs and uncovers himself fully, throwing the blanket to the floor and standing up. “No, I’m just frustrated.” He pushes his fringe out of the front of his forehead, sinking his fingers and he notices that he had gained that habit from Harry. He looks at his hands and groans again.

“ _Woah_ , Louis.” Harry says not that amused now, a bit more serious and takes a step closer from him. “Breathe, it’s okay.” And  _oh_  those words.

“I know,” he walks away, he can’t be stopped in one spot now, especially not one where Harry is so freaking close. “I know I’m overreacting and I’m sorry for it.”

“No it’s okay. Don’t apologise, please. Just, hey,” he says when sees Louis walking in circles through the living room and around the kitchen’s part. “talk to me. I’m here. It’s me, Harry.”

“Harry…” Louis says, mostly to himself. “I guess I’m frustrated because I wanted to tell you that in a special way.” He stops and looks at Harry, who is five steps away from him. Damn, that’s too far even though they’re in the same compartment, breathing the same air. “To prevent that kind of stuff to happen. You walked away and –“

“It was a surprise.” Louis notices how hard he is trying not to smile.

“It was for me too. I’ve been saying that so many times in my head that I didn’t realise I’ve said it out loud. It’s not like I regret saying it is just that I preferred not saying it that way, there, in that moment. Wanted to wait, I was thinking about taking you out for dinner then would make us go to the Ferris wheel and say it right when we reached the top.” He sighs deeply and Harry isn’t even trying to stop his grin anymore.

“Really?” he asks and he is walking closer to Louis again and he can’t stand it, he can’t or he won’t be able to stop… stop whatever is happening inside of him. But he is scared, Louis never felt this scared on his life. This means so much because Louis loves Harry and Harry loves Louis, they’re in a relationship and Louis only sees two things here. Or this ends up being a forever or in the middle of the way they’ll split up and Louis isn’t ready to lose Harry again. He knows he can deal with his feelings, can keep them, not letting them go, control them… but he doesn’t know about Harry and he doesn’t know the future. He just knows he is ready to whatever it is to come. “I guess that this way I can be called the romantic one.” Louis rolls his eyes. He was freaking out ten seconds ago and now he is fighting to stop himself from smile. “Since always, am I right?” He stops, two steps away from Louis and he could be closer if Louis hadn’t given two behind.

“Don’t be a liar. I was the one first saying those words while you were lay down on a hospital bed and we didn’t even know what they meant. I was the first one asking you to go on a real date.”

“I was the first one confessing. I was always the one initiating our first kiss.” He says with that smug look on his face, it’s like they’re in a competition trying to prove who did what in their years together and who did the best and did first.

“What the fuck? I stole your lips’ virginity on your eleven’s birthday.” And the way Harry smirks makes Louis be sure that he does remember that too. He must remember everything.

“I was the first one falling in love here.” And those words hit Louis in a way that it wasn’t even supposed to hit.

“How can you even know that?” Louis puts his hand on his hip and raises his brow. He is so glad they are actually taking things this way. Louis was imagining this conversation to go worst, he doesn’t know why but he was expecting them to fight by how nervous he was. But maybe that’s what is happening here, they grew up and Louis had such a development as a person, as a person towards others and himself.

Harry shrugs. “I guess I just know. I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw you and you gave me that flower. It was slow, the whole love thing… but the time passed and I was sure that you were the one.” Louis wants to make a disgusting noise and mock Harry for the words he choose to use because he can be so sappy sometimes and Louis isn’t used to that anymore but… he feels himself impossible to do it so by the way he is smiling. They’re both embarrassing but Louis is making the best job.

“Maybe you won this one. I guess I was still an innocent straight boy at age seven.” Harry laughs and yes, he is totally mocking Louis.

“First you were never,  _ever_  innocent and second probably not straight at all because you told me once that you played football just to be closer to boys.”

“I bet I told you that on my early age, like thirteen. That’s the time guys still hate girls and think they’re weird.” Harry rolls his eyes dramatically.

“You used to call me a girl, Louis.”

“Never did that.” He throws his hands up in the air to defend himself. “I might have said once that you looked like a girl because of your eyes and lips but never –“

“Oh Louis,” Harry fakes being shocked. “looking at my lips by that time already? Weren’t you supposed to be innocent?”

“Jesus Christ.” It’s Louis’ time to roll his eyes and he is seriously regretting his life choices.

Harry laughs but then stops kind of in a tragic way, but only because he speaks “I’m so head over heels for you.” Louis looks widely open at him and with a questionable look in his face. “I’m foolishly completely in love with you Louis Tomlinson.” He says slowly, his lips twisting into a charming smile and Louis is melting under that gaze.

“Harry…” He softly calls him.

“I know, it came out of nowhere but I want you to know that. I love you, I’ve been for so long and I still am.”

“Did you ever stopped? Loving me I mean. Be honest.”

Harry doesn’t stop smiling even though Louis’ voice is serious. “No.” He shakes his head. “I might…” He sighs. “I hate saying it but my love for you was in constant changing. Some days I loved you less than I did comparing to when we were still together. Sometimes it looked like it was vanishing,” Louis wants to touch him so badly but the fact that he can’t move from where he is standing, wants to listen to Harry till he has finished makes it impossible. “other times it hurt too much to even think about the way I felt for you. But it never left me, I always had this constant love for you Louis and the day I saw you… for the first time after so many years I knew that everything was real. When we spoke to each other for the first time and even though you looked like you wanted to punch me I was thinking, I want to kiss him and tell him how much I missed him.”

Louis wants to ask  _really?_  Wants to make him continue saying more things, wants to make him confess everything it was left to be said but he has other plans. “I love you,” He smiles “in a language that I don’t fully understand. In words I haven’t find enough courage to forklift out of my chest. Maybe that’s why I was so scared of this. I swear I was and I am. You’re here, we’re here, alive and together and this is insane,” he breathes out. “this is huge and I feel like I’m going to explode by how happy I am and how much I want us to be together, for real and –“

“Fuck, Louis.” Harry interrupts him and it should be impolite and wrong for him to do it so, but Louis feels pleasant and feels like it’s an honour to be shushed by Harry Styles like this. By his lips pressed against his, his hands all over his body and so close. Impossibly close and soon Louis is pressed against the wall, his legs around Harry’s hips and he is so strong, holding Louis only with one hand underneath his thigh – his finger sinking deep on his jeans – and the other is not even on the back of Louis’ neck in a purpose to hold him. Is just there for the contact and lust.

He gasps something similar to  _yes_  and it’s such a simple word but is impossible for Louis to understand it with the kiss and Harry’s tongue trying to get in his mouth and Harry’s hand on his body and Harry’s body pressed against his and just  _HarryHarryHarry_.

“I love you, oh Louis, I love you so much.” Harry presses kisses all over his jaw and then going down to his neck and it could be all sweet and lovely but it’s just rough and desperate. Because that’s what they’re feeling desperation.

“I love you too.” Louis is already breathless and he bets they’ve probably been kissing against this wall for only three minutes more or less, it’s humiliating but it’s been like this with Harry and he wants everything when even that isn’t enough.

“Want you, want you like crazy.” Harry grabs the hair from the back of Louis’ neck and sinks deeper his fingers on his thigh, sucking hard on the crock of his neck and licking the same spot slowly. It just makes Louis moan and holding him tighter with his arms around Harry’s neck.

When Harry moves, bringing Louis with him of course and so he is no longer feeling the wall pressed against his back, Louis asks, his eyes shut in pleasure and in trance from the moment. “Where?”

“Bedroom.” Harrys keeps his lips attached to Louis’ skin while walking towards the door, maybe or maybe not bumping Louis on the walls to get there.

“No, here.” Louis protests, not only because it seems such a far place right now but also because they have never really done anything in Louis’ room. He thinks he hasn’t slept in that bed in months now and the only purpose to go to that room now is because of his clothes, really.

Everyone that visits them don’t feel like sitting on the couch anymore because they know if they don’t end up going to Harry’s everything is done on that couch. Everything.

“Bedroom.” Harry ignores Louis’ complaints and he can’t object to that when Harry leaves a soft kiss on his lips in assurance and maybe that makes Louis relax.

They walk to the hall and then there’s another noise but this time isn’t because Harry had gotten it wrong and pressed Louis against a wall again.

“This is fucking unfair, Louis.” Zayn says by the door of his room. Louis looks at the side at him showing his red and swollen lips. “I’m going to Liam’s and I won’t come back till tomorrow night. You ask your boyfriend to drive you to work.” He might had the aim to speak roughly and show his mad side but it doesn’t work at all, he sounds happy and amused.

He quickly walks out of the flat and they don’t even wait till the door front door is heard to look at each other again and both giggle due the moment. “Boyfriend.” Louis says, his hot breathe hitting Harry’s lips. The green eyed guy nods as if it was a matter of agreeing with him and the word.

Their lips are being joined again and it’s quickly till they reach the room and Harry presses Louis against the wall next to the door. They leave it open because why the fuck not. Besides it’d just give them work and Harry doesn’t want to drop Louis yet.

“Want to have a bit of control today.” Louis makes Harry pull away his lips and whispers on his ear, biting his earlobe then. Those words don’t bring the reaction Louis wished they would have. Harry pulls his head away and looks at him in a serious and rather concerned way.

“Oh god, I’m sorry.” Louis frowns and he is watching the time Harry drops him on the floor so he grips his shoulders and doesn’t let him let go. “I’ve been always taking control in these things, like, being a top since the first time and we never really talked about it. It wasn’t like this, you know, when we were teenagers. You were always in control over everything and I –“ Louis stops him to continue with a kiss, before pulling away sucking his bottom lip and dragging it with him.

“Are you kidding? I love it,” he chuckles. “I think I prefer like this.” Harry seems surprised with it and it only makes Louis want to laugh more because  _how hasn’t he seen it before?_

“Me too.”

“Good.” Louis pulls Harry’s locks of hair away from the front of his face, behind his ear. “Besides, I was thinking about riding your cock. Remember when you did it with me?” Harry moans a little with the memory and by the way Louis’ fingertips are still on his face and how his voice sounds. Slow and sexy. “You do, don’t you baby?” he smirks and leans over to kiss the corner of his lips. “I want to do that with you. Show you how good I can be as well. Want to feel so full with you I will come so hard above you.”

“ _Oh my god_.” It’s Harry’s limit point he breaks the space between their lips hungrily and starts walking backwards till he feels the bed hitting his legs. Louis makes signal for him to lay down and he does it so, taking the older guy with him, making him sit with his legs parted next to his body.

It’s quickly the way they undress himself even though Louis doesn’t dare to get off of his chest and they can’t stop touching each other, being it a simple brush with their legs or a rough kiss even to a kind gesture in the other’s hair.

In reality, Louis doesn’t know how it happens but he is already with his fingers all sticky with lube and with Harry looking high underneath him and he likes it. He feels both powerless and exposed. He has Harry stripping him with his eyes even though he is fully naked above him and that… that turns him on just with the look Harry offers him, the kind of look he can sense what he is thinking.

Louis smirks and he knows what he is doing when he moves his own hand with lube towards his back. Harry doesn’t quite get it till Louis’ lips part, his eyes shut delicately and he lets out a small  _ah_.

He doesn’t give much time for Harry to react to the fact that he is fingering himself because then he is rocking his hips, fucking himself on top of Harry, all spread out and Harry has the best view. The best and he is astonished looking at the way Louis’ fringe bounces while he goes down on his fingers. “Two,” he says, voice weak and failing to himself. “thinking of yours.” Louis continues, he can’t even form proper sentences, he can’t even open his eyes because he knows Harry will be there looking at him, attentively. “Going to be really good and open myself for you.” He moans, his legs failing making him let out a groan and falling, putting his hand on Harry’s chest in a way of holding himself.

He is almost in his hands and knees, with the difference that he has his own two fingers inside of himself, so he only holds himself with one hand, being the one above Harry’s chest. He keeps rocking his fingers back and forth, feeling too good to stop and controling himself.

“Oh god Louis.” Harry finally says something, he literally moans and it almost makes Louis open his eyes. “You look so good. Wish you could see yourself right now.” Louis hums in pleasure and Harry needs to raise his head and slightly kissing the skin he can reach from Louis’ body. “Touch yourself for me, baby.”

“Yes.” He blinks, his eyelashes flustering right above Harry and he stops his fingers to compose himself and changes to support his weight on his knees, on the mattress, next to Harry’s body again. 

The moment he gets his torso straighten up he brings his available hand to his lips. He sucks one finger and then licks his palm all over. Then he slides his hands along his chest and teases himself, slightly pitching his nipples, bringing it a moan from him. Harry is breathing so heavily Louis could think he is having a heart attack.

He goes with his hand then all the way down to touch his hard dick. He starts with the head and then strokes the whole length twice before continuing with his fingers from behind. Harry’s lips part and this time Louis is looking at him in the eyes all the time, all confident and knowing the effect he is having on the younger man.

Harry’s own hand slides down from his body to release some of the tension from his own cock. He does it clumsily, not as precise as Louis, who is literally giving him a show right there.

It starts to get a lot for Louis, the vision of Harry getting himself off by watching him touching himself and the fact that he is really having some kind of release. “Need you.” He whimpers, sweat starting to fall down from his temples.

“Just a little bit more, baby. So beautiful for me. Just, don’t come yet. Can you do it?” The green eyed man tries to say as steady as possible. Louis bites his bottom lip and nods looking down at Harry. His  _boyfriend_.

Of course Louis can do it for Harry, he can do everything, but he reaches a point that it’s starting to become close to his limit and the fact that Harry is there watching Louis leaking pre-cum, making himself come, listening to him being so close and realising that he could be the one doing that to his man, it drives him to his limit as well.

So Harry doesn’t say anything, he is the one touching Louis’ wrists and making him stop and takes his fingers out of himself. “Mine,” he says and brings Louis’ fingers to his lips and Louis watches him parting them and licking his fingers and it almost makes him come right there. The fact that Harry trusts him so much that he wants him so badly and can share everything with him, wants to have these moments with him, makes him crazy.

And they could last longer, yes, but that happens. That happens sometimes with them when all becomes so much, too much for their bodies to handle. The pressure is enormous and they need to release it. So when Louis takes Harry all the way down and starts moving up and down, alternating from slow to fast it doesn’t take them long to start moaning like crazy.

Louis’ fingers are scratching Harry’s chest and he doesn’t even notice. Harry likes the pain it makes him feel, his hands are gripping Louis’ bum from behind, spreading it out to be better the angle and it’s amazing. Overwhelming. 

Louis looks down at Harry and almost makes him want to cry, he has seconds that needs to lean over and press his lips with Harry’s whispering infinite times how much he loves him and he goes back to work with his hips fast, hard and deep. Harry is telling him back, creating bruises on him, marks that will be remarkable and Louis just wants more when he is the one getting that kind of power now. But he doesn’t think and Harry is enjoying him, Harry loves him and is getting there so close just by Louis touch. He can’t fucking think.

Harry is the first one coming but is really the ticket for Louis to go next with the feeling of Harry inside of him. He shots it to his chest, slipping down to Harry’s chest and there’s those seconds that they’re not there yet but when Harry gets to recover his senses, still with Louis above him, he brushes his hand on his own chest and Louis sees him tasting him.

He sees Harry licking his hand with Louis’ come and he was about to ask for a round two just with the sigh. But he feels sore, his legs hurt and he is still so fragile and sensitive that he feels like falling asleep.

Harry notices it and gets a tissue from the bedside table and cleans Louis up and makes him lay down next to him on the mattress. He kisses his temple and they lay down over the mess of the sheets, naked, sweaty, breathing heavily with their chests going up and down quickly and still lost in another world to actually being able to speak.

“You’re amazing.” Eventually Harry cuts the silence a minute later. “Like,  _wow_ , this was amazing.”

“It was…”

“I love you.”

“I love you.” Louis says looking at the side and smiling lazily. It’s good to hear it and actually saying it back. It’s amazing and he missed it.

“I’m glad Zayn actually left.” Harry chuckles and looks at the opened door from the room, Louis only looks at his face and the way his eyes crinkle and in his cheeks appear those annoyingly amazing dimples. He gets his body closer, switches his leg over Harry’s and puts one arm around his chest.

“He should have stayed, how many times did we listened and found him and Liam doing their business?” Harry laughs and instinctively starts playing with his soft hair.

“Business.” He mocks the word Louis used. “I still think they did it on purpose, as revenge, since you decided to tell them about the lube subject on Leeds.”

“Priorities Harry.”

“Telling them that we went to their tent naked to get lube was your priority?” He laughs again and Louis kisses his shoulder, just because he can.

“In that moment, yes.” He smiles and it’s not even because of what they’re talking, is just because everything in general. Everything makes him feel like he should smile. “God, I think my priority right now is falling asleep naked, next to you.” He looks up to meet Harry’s eyes.

“That’s good for me.” Harry kisses the tip of his nose and he shuts his eyes, almost purring with the gesture.

“Makes me think that it’s been ages since I sleep in this bed.”

“I actually never slept in here.” Louis stays in silence and rests his head on Harry’s chest, hiding his face. “What’s wrong gorgeous?”

“Nightmares.” He answers and he finds himself leaning over to the touch of Harry’s fingers on his hair.

“You haven’t them in a while, have you?”

“No, better now. Because of you.” He caresses Harry’s belly, tickling him with his nails and then kisses his skin. “I had them all the time here, though.”

“You won’t have them. I’m here.”

“You are.” There’s silence for a small moment. “Zayn was too. All the time.” Harry hums and suddenly Louis feels so light, so in trance and in the clouds that he just wants to free himself totally. So he speaks. “I think he was right in a way.”

“Tell me.”

“Remember when we got into a pretty big fight before my sister’s wedding?” Harry hums again as an answer. “Well… it was because of you,” He squeezes the sides of Harry’s hip. “Because he felt like since I had you again I wouldn’t need him anymore. Even after everything he had done. I couldn’t see it, how much he had done for me and the only thing I did was making him feel useless and worthless because I always saw you instead of him. I used him as a replacement.”

“Did you?”

Silence again.

“Sometimes.” He gulps. “But I appreciate everything he did for me. It was a lot and I’m so grateful for it. I honestly adore him, he turned to be my best friend and our relationship didn’t allow me to think that maybe he could be you. He wasn’t you, no one could ever replace you. I just don’t think he truly believes in me. In how much I care for him, how I appreciate it and how much I need him. Because I still need and he was so gentle and patient with me. I can’t throw him away, he is just someone I also want to keep with me.”

“He loves you.” Harry brushes Louis’ arm this time with him thumb.

“He says that to me a lot. But, remember when I once told you I could never say those words to someone unless it’s you?”

“Like with Caroline.” Harry chuckles. “It was Caroline right?”

“Yes.” Louis brushes his nose on his chest. “Well, I never said it to him back, because it wasn’t fair for him and for you. But now I believe that there’s different ways to love someone. I love you and I will always tell you by touching your heart and kissing your lips. I love him and I will tell him by touching his hand and showing him how much I care.”

“That’s very good love.” Harry kisses the top of his head, sensing the smell of his hair. “And you know what would make him very happy?”

“What?”

“You know those cards you usually write me?”

“Yes…” he looks up to see where Harry goes with the conversation.

“You could make him one. I love them, make me feel very special, I’m sure it’ll make him too.”

Louis smiles nodding and so he does. Late at night he sits on his desk and makes one of those, just like the way he feels, being truthful to himself and to Zayn. This time he writes,  _Well this just sucks. I wish I had a better way to say it, but my brain feels totally stuck right now. But I just want you to know that even though I might not always have exactly the right words, you will always have me. I’m not going anywhere. So I hope you’re cool with that. Because I love you_.

And it never was so easy. Next day at work he gives it to Zayn, acting as if it was nothing but maybe Zayn cries a little and he didn’t read it out loud like Harry does but it’s amazing to see the way his face changes and how Louis knows he reads it twice. At the end he hugs Louis and he knows he is learning. The people around him know too.

 


	32. Fireworks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Philadelphia - Parachute 
> 
> Pretty Face - Sóley

 

Harry has been basically living with Louis and he only doesn’t pay rent because Louis has been basically living with him as well. They both have a spare toothbrush in each other’s flat, they own each other’s keys and that’s pretty much when they notice that they actually have been driving from house to house and never sleeping alone in cold sheets again. Always together, always too close.

Louis’ wardrobe suddenly starts to overflow with clothes while Harry’s one tends to get the otherwise and is only mainly because Louis prefers to wear Harry’s clothes instead of his own so if Harry starts wearing the same three shirts during the week, every week, and one of them is too tight in his body, it’s none of Louis’ business. Especially because Harry is the one doing his laundry now and Zayn tells them they are starting to look more married than him and Liam, and they’ve bought a puppy and Liam has introduced Zayn to his family and vice versa. 

But seeing things that way, that had happened to Louis and Harry as well, plus Harry had made part of Louis’ family once. It’s still not quite that yet but is almost, especially when Fiona starts calling Harry son again, Peter asking for his advices and Zoe treating him like an older brother. Louis has been visiting his family more often, which might or might not have a bit of Harry’s influence.

They didn’t tell them they were a thing right away, they waited. It wasn’t intentional, it just never seemed the right moment and the topic didn’t come up.

But of course Zoe and Fiona – mostly Fiona since Zoe isn’t always around because she has her husband now – reach that point where they start wondering why the hell are the two boys looking at each other so often and since when Louis started to touch Harry’s hand that way or leaning over that close.

So she just casually throws it out then, the real meaning a bit covered though. “Why are you behaving as if you were eighteen?” And by that time Louis knows that it was the moment he and Harry were a more official thing even though years ago they were already a  _huge_  thing, an  _I never want to let you go_  thing.

Harry looks back at Louis, they smile and Louis interlaces their fingers together above the table. “I guess we can say me and Harry are together.”

“Again.” Harry feels the need to add and that’s the end of the conversation. For now because later Louis sees Fiona crying in the kitchen and when she sees them she hugs both tightly whispering  _my_   _precious family is back again_  and then Carl appears and mocks them but looks at Louis  _that way_  and he knows he is in the right path of life.

So maybe Harry is, in fact, back considered family again and Louis feels like he couldn’t be asking anything more now. Because on top of every amazing thing that happens with him and with Harry… it happens that they’re together. Louis has Harry. And that’s beyond everything the universe had reserved for Louis at this point.

The universe gave him night walks at two in the morning and late talks till four. Gave him coffee in bed, the smell of Harry’s perfume in his car and massages while he is working on school papers. Gave him Polaroid’s while laid down on the couch, furniture out of place so they could dance and lazy kisses in a Sunday afternoon out eating an ice cream like they were thirteen. At the end the universe just made him go back in time and living a life of a child in a grown up body.

And Louis always loved the thought of growing up, having his own life and making plans for the future but then he felt scared and hated the fact that he was growing up, he had responsibility, his destiny was in his hands and everything was uncertain. But he got back to see things from the bright side because he has his sun back in his life.

Louis still doesn’t know how his life turned up like this, it was slow, it actually was… the whole process of changing, of putting in his head that now he has Harry as a  _forever for now_  and they say  _I love you_  to each other, kiss in front of their friends and casually call each other  _boyfriend_  once in a while.

It’s… amazing. Amazing isn’t even the word it should be used but Louis has no other one, better one to use it really.

They still fight, Louis thinks that’s the difference between now and who they were when they were teens. Now they fight but it’s not like it’s not okay. It’s normal and for now they still didn’t fight seriously where one tells the other bad things that he knows he will end up regretting the moment it comes out from his mouth, because it’ll hurt, it’ll hurt like hell and put the other crying maybe, but Louis knows it’ll happen one day eventually. And they’ll learn from it and get over it together. They will reach each other’s limits and learn not to cross them again because it can be fatal.

But yeah, they fight, because of small things and there’s swearing and Louis still didn’t crash anything but he had thrown some pillows to the floor and even at Harry. Harry had screamed at him loudly, which made Zayn look at him in a threatening way that in that moment Louis wanted to tell his best friend  _do something, punch him_. But there was no reason for it because Harry was right that time, Harry was looking for Louis’ health and tell him he needs to eat well and not skip meals and Louis shouted at him saying that he only does that when he’s stressed because of his work a thing Harry doesn’t know what it is. So Harry left. And at 11pm Louis crashed over at his place after buying a goldfish and told Harry that maybe they can have a cat one day but for now they will have the little fish as their son. And it wasn’t a big apologise and it had nothing to do with the subject but Harry smiled and kissed him and it was all okay.

Then soon Christmas Eve arrives, which means Louis is turning twenty six and he feels excited. He feels excited for the whole thing really. He goes to Liverpool to meet with his and George’s family in his and Zoe’s new house, which they end up realising not everyone fits in there so at more or less one in the morning Louis takes Harry by his hand and they drive to his beach house where Harry might give him a late birthday present and lets him fuck him against the counter of the kitchen and then is Harry’s turn to fuck Louis on the floor and just after they’re all sweaty and tired and blown away with the whole sex, they give a walk on the beach. It’s cold, very cold but Louis is warm and he isn’t even that close from Harry.

In the morning they wake up with the sound of his mother calling for them and saying that Christmas dinner will be there because is a bigger place and Daisy might get lost again but this time she really runs out from the back door and only comes back with the smell of the food, covered in sand and with her paws cold.

Louis starts loving Christmas again and when Carl takes Harry’s camera from his hands, Daisy jumps to his lap and Harry holds her still, petting her head. And when Louis looks at his boyfriend smiling, he has flashbacks from the night he turned sixteen and he spent Christmas with Harry for the first time. It’s been ten years. Ten fucking years. And forgetting about the fact that Daisy is very old now, Carl takes a picture of the three like he had taken that year and maybe Louis thinks about putting this one in a frame, on his bedside table like he did with the first one. And then he definitely kisses Harry right there because he can and he just gets hit by the realisation that he is so in love he might explode.

~*~

Is New Year’s Eve, Louis is in Harry’s flat waiting for him to come back from the shower. He feeds their fish – it is called Alberto and Louis doesn’t want to know why Harry decided to name him like that – and then waters plants Harry has all over the place. He had arrived from his morning run, this time Louis didn’t go with him because it’s cold and he doesn’t feel like having his mouth tasting like blood and is throat hurting. He is taking so long Louis is starting to feel annoyed because he didn’t even get a kiss on his lips when he came back. So that’s all very sad, besides they haven’t even talked about what they will be doing tonight. By this time, last year, he was helping Zayn to prepare his own surprise birthday party, which clearly wasn’t a surprise at all. But this year Louis doesn’t feel like throwing a party like the one last year. He have settled down and having tones of people on his flat, getting dunk and still singing Christmas song when obviously is not the time to do that so, doesn’t sound appealing.

He knocks at the door from the bathroom and Harry answers from the other side with a loud  _yes love?_ Louis rolls his eyes but smiles anyway, he gets closer from the door and shouts back. “Have you quite finished?”

“I’m showering.”

“For fifteen minutes.”

“I’m washing my hair.” He hears Harry laughing and Louis gets the image of a naked Harry with water running through his amazing torso grinning, with two dimples popping out from each his cheeks.

“I could wash it for you. And other things.” He suggests because it’s a fact that Louis wakes up every morning horny and when Harry wakes up there’s no time and it’s still too early for Louis to be really awake. So he stands up and leaves Louis in bed to go for his jogging. And Louis needs to handle that alone, or not handling at all because wanking isn’t an option when he has a Harry Styles to please and to be pleased. Yet, when Harry arrives he is too sweaty and looking too hot and sexy for Louis to look at so he takes off his shirt and leaves for a shower. It’s always like this so Harry takes advantage of it and keeps in silence. And silence. And he doesn’t answer. Louis literally rolls his eyes and groans in protest. “Did you fall, hit with your head and died in there?”

“I’m very alive.” Harry answers seconds later and  _oh_.

“Fine. What are we doing tonight?” He slides down through the door and sits with his legs stretched in front of him. He has been dealing with silence for too long and is never good being this apart from Harry so he might as well have a conversation with him like this. Harry shuts the tap so the water isn’t running and Louis expects him to be washing his body or his hair. He should be the one doing all of that but no, Harry prefers taking a shower alone when he comes back from his run.

“I don’t know if Ed wants me to go with him somewhere.” His answer comes muffled but Louis understands it.

“Somewhere?”

“Like a party.” He screams. “I might take Niall you can come with us.”

“You’re playing with me, right?” Louis asks and if Harry could saw his face right now he should fear his own health. But then Harry laughs, Louis clearly hears him laughing and then trying to muffle the sound of it so he doesn’t hear it. Then the water is running again and Louis scoffs, he is fucking mocking him.

Louis quickly gets up from the floor undresses himself in a record time and brutally opens the door plus the curtain from the shower “What the –“ Harry shouts in shock but he has no time to finish and react properly because Louis gets inside, totally naked and still half hard from when he woke up and then got to see Harry.

He shoves Harry against the wall and is just luck that he doesn’t slip and fall on the tile. “You’re getting on my nerves.” He says half seriously half in that adorable way of his and Harry is widely looking at him and his eyes get even wider when Louis gets on his knees in front of him and takes his whole cock in his mouth just like that.

And Louis knows how to suck Harry, he just knows the whole thing. Knows how Harry likes to feel the back of his throat, knows he likes it when Louis licks his whole length, likes when he plays with his head with his tongue, likes when he touches his balls to tease him, likes when he sinks his fingers on his hips or when spreads out his butt cheeks wide and plays with his hole with his fingertips. And Louis does it all, does it all and more.

He keeps looking up at Harry almost innocently with his lips around Harry’s dick, while his eyes are watering and his cheeks are red and is not because of the shower. He manages to do that. Manages to look amazing and Harry tells him how beautiful he looks between his legs every time but today Louis only tells him to shut up.

When Louis gets two finger inside of Harry from behind, going with them fast and deep and just massaging the walls from inside of him Harry lets the loudest moan in surprise and pleasure Louis had ever heard. It’s just a shame that with the sound of the water no one can probably hear it too. Louis feels both blessed and lucky.

Harry grabs Louis’ half wet hair and helps him going back and forth on his dick but Louis takes his fingers out of him and pushes his hand away. Harry whines but Louis does that thing with his tongue through his whole length that makes Harry crazy and then gets Harry’s balls in his mouth, sucking them, puts his two fingers back inside of Harry and feels Harry’s legs shaking. He is about to slide down from the wall and Louis doesn’t want other thing.

“Louis – fucking hell Louis I’m gonna come.” Harry’s voice cracks at the end, Louis pulls away his mouth even though his fingers are still deep inside of Harry. He gets his available hand, strokes his own length twice and comes, biting his lip and throwing his head back not letting himself making no noise. That makes Harry mad because Louis knows how much he loves to hear him. But Louis also knew that he would get off just by touching Harry like this.

He looks up, smirks, gets his fingers out of Harry again and stands up, his legs feeling tired and jelly, but he joins his whole strength to do it so.

“Wha – I didn’t finish.” Harry looks all fucked up at Louis, his lips can look more bruised than Louis’ by how hard he was biting on them, their colour matching the colour of his cheeks.

“Oh, but I did.” Louis smirks, voice rough, passing his fingers through his lips and Harry might just start crying right there, especially when Louis gets out of the shower and wraps his towel around his waist. When he makes the green eyed guy think he is leaving he turns around, has a look at his state – still pressed against the wall, hair all wet, the steam around him and rock hard against his chest – and leans over twisting his index and adding to the gesture “Come here,” Harry’s lips part and he carefully gives a small step forward and reach over Louis’ height.

Louis gets his hand on the back of his neck and joins their lips hardly together, furiously shoving his tongue inside of Harry’s mouth. He pulls back, dragging Harry’s bottom lip along with him. “And don’t finish yourself, because you know that you won’t come as hard as you would with my mouth wrapped around you,  _love_.”

And that’s how Louis teaches his boyfriend a lesson.

~*~

Harry tried. Harry tried so fucking hard to make it a surprise for Louis. But he simply couldn’t. Apparently he is now terrible at keeping things from Louis, especially now after the state he let him be in the shower, this the morning.

So when Harry gets a call and it is from Zayn, Louis sees it. So he asks “Why the hell is Zayn calling you? He only does that when I don’t answer my phone, he never talks to you.”

“Oh it’s because of your surprise tonight.” Harry causally answers and Louis looks at him literally like someone is calling the other  _you’re dumb as fuck_ and Harry takes ten long seconds to realise what he just said to quickly panic by saying “Please forget what I said, you didn’t hear it.” And he even makes gestures like he has a magic wand in hands and acts like he is the fairy godmother from Cinderella making Louis a bit worried because the taller man looks like he is serious about it.

Louis loves him too much to let him live with this big weight on his shoulders so he turns around and walks to Harry’s mattress to go to his laptop and says “What you said? I don’t know what you said!”

Therefore he pulls out his best drama skills when Harry takes him out for fifteen minutes – they just walk for that long till Harry tells him that he mysteriously forgot about where he was taking him – and when they return he looks as surprised as possible when sees Harry flat filled with all their friends, with a big cake and lots of drinks.

Zayn walks to him and puts a princess’ tiara in his head and Harry might cry. Yes Harry, he can’t take his eyes off from Louis the whole time, never. Louis is all happy and glad that this time the New Year’s Eve is going to be passed just with his friends. He has Delilah – who promises staying till half past eleven because she has to be somewhere else then – Stella, Niall, Zayn, Liam and Ed – who is not going anywhere because there’s no party for him to attend this time, the dumbass cancelled it for Louis. So Louis thinks this might be better than a party filled with strange people, or people who he doesn’t really like that much or doesn’t talk that often. He has a small flat filled with people he adores – let’s include Niall here this time – and he is enjoying everything with only one beer in his stomach, he is dancing with people he actually know and feel comfortable with and he feels like home. He feels amazing and Harry still can’t take his eyes off him.

But he doesn’t touch him, he even lets Delilah be all over him, lets her dance with him and even fucking grind on him. She laughs, Louis laughs too and pats her back and it’s all really funny and then Zayn is without his shirt and Liam is drinking from his body and Harry still has his eyes on Louis. Louis drinks a shot from Zayn’s collarbones and Harry has his fucking eyes on him the whole time. He doesn’t stop him, he doesn’t stop him even when he is pouring water all over Niall just because  _I’m the birthday boy Niall, I can do what I want_  and much less when he starts dancing alone, literally giving a show to everyone on the room, touching his own body with his hands, his ass looks amazing on those jeans, Stella is drooling over him, Niall is jealous and Louis is fucking happy and pleased because he is doing with the Irish lad had been doing with him this whole time.

They sing happy birthday, all uncoordinated because Stella and Delilah start but Zayn and Ed start when they are stopping but Niall starts from the middle, Liam is yelling at them because they do everything wrong and is a mess and Harry is laughing his ass off but finally Louis gets a touch from him but it’s not because he blows his candles and wishes for it - he wishes for something else, he wishes for his next birthday to be just like this and to be with the same people in his life.

Harry walks close to him and everybody is watching “Hi,” Harry smiles and gets his hand to the back of Louis’ neck, brushing his thumb there and smiles and Louis is about to smile back but Harry is shoving his face on the cake. He feels like he is going to die with cake on his nostrils, everyone is applauding but then when he opens his eyes, for a moment is all white because of the cream but then he sees Harry’s face and then Harry’s face is in  _his_  face. He licks the cake from Louis and is not even obscene is just… sweet. Sweet and disgusting but Louis is okay with it. Is okay with everything. Mainly with Harry’s laugh, it makes him want to hug him.

And so he does, he does and rubs his face all over his nice and fancy shirt with hearts making him squeal. “I love you.” He kisses his neck and feels Harry softening under his arms. He pulls away and looks around him and says “and I adore all of you.”

“Disgusting!” Ed shouts at the same time Niall jumps and says “I knew it.” And the others are just saying “We love you” and looking in awe at him but Louis looks over at Harry, who is smiling and  _yup_  he is sure about to cry so Louis takes the tiara from his head and puts it on Harry’s head.

“I know you wanted this, that’s why you couldn’t stop looking at me.” He teases.

“Maybe. Or maybe I just want you.” Harry presses a kiss on his temple. “I’m glad you’re alive and in my life.”

“You’re weird.” Louis pulls away and looks at him trying to pull off the weirdest face but on the inside he is just saying  _I love you so much_  and  _you keep me alive_  and  _I’m glad you’re alive too_.

So the night goes on and when Delilah leaves they all decide to go as well because Niall decides that he wants to go watch the fireworks in the city. It’s risky and late for them to go out due the possibility of being swallowed by the crowd on the underground’s station.

“Fuck it, let’s go.” Louis says and grabs his jacket and Harry goes change his dirty shirt from cake to follow him and that’s the answer.

There’s nearly no space inside the underground but Harry keeps his body close to Louis, with an arm next to his body in a way of protection, the same way Liam does with Zayn and he just looks at the side at his best friend and Zayn smiles at him and he knows he is saying that they’re lucky.

“I’m going to kiss the person who will be next to me tonight.” Ed says while they walk through the station.

“What if it’s a man?” Harry asks laughing with Louis under his arm.

“A man will be.” Ed shrugs and everyone laugh because Ed might be Ed, the chilliest guy of all-time but he is probably also the straightest, even Niall can be gayer than him. So that’s a way of starting the year.

They walk up the stairs and the chill air hits their faces. They walk through the street till they spot the London Eye. “Yup, we’re going to die.” Stella comments when sees all the people crowded there. “We’re still in time to change our minds, folks.”

“I’m focused on kissing you under the fireworks tonight, so come on.” Niall says, making her look at him surprised and when he grabs her hand and starts running between everyone in front of them Louis laughs and mentally sings  _Alleluia_  in his head.

“Alleluia plays on the background.” Harry speaks and it’s a fact, they’re soulmates, Louis is sure.

“Indeed.” The blue eyed man agrees.

Zayn looks for his watch to see the time and gets cosy in his jacket next to Liam. “I don’t know about you three but we’re going to stay here. It’s two to midnight, it’s not like we’re going to get further than here.”

“I might stay here too.” Ed says looking around and seeing that tones of people are settling around them already.

“We meet in this same place in twenty then.” Harry says looking at the three. He tightly grabs Louis’ hand and does the same Niall did with Stella, he quickly starts walking past the crowd and Louis might think they’re letting them pass between them on purpose, like Harry paid them to step aside and let them walk closer to the river.

He keeps looking at Harry’s back and the way his curls are free and wild, making him look young if it wasn’t for his long black coat. Louis is impressed with the way their fingers look intertwined and the way Harry is grabbing him so tightly afraid he is going to lose Louis.

It’s almost useless, they won’t get close to the Big Ben by walking this way through so many people even though the walk is minimum but it’s not like Louis is worried about the view they will get as long as he can be as close to Harry as possible. Harry looks quite determinant and runs as fast as he can with Louis behind him, not really pushing people away because Louis sees them actually stepping away by free will. It’s amusing really.

They’re getting in the middle of the small bridge when the countdown starts. Everyone starts shouting  _ten, nine, eight_  and Louis looks up to the big clock and sees the minute hand incredibly close to midnight.  _Seven, six, five_  and Louis starts counting mentally too and sees Harry freezing, stopping in the middle of the road where no cars are passing now since the street is closed, there’s so many people around them but the way Harry turns around to look at Louis is like no one is there.  _Four, three, two_  and Harry doesn’t drop Louis’ hand, he takes advantage of it to pull Louis’ body pressed against his own.

It doesn’t take Louis’ by surprise, he smiles even and there’s that one second, which seems to last an eternity, where Harry looks at Louis and tells him every poem he has written to him before and more only with the way his eyes shine. The way he looks at Louis, just like the way he would look years ago.

 _One_ , Harry presses their lips together while in the background they can hear the fireworks and the noise of the people shouting  _Happy New Year_. It’s just an excuse to kiss each other, really. An excuse to kiss each other in the middle of London and saying that is the most romantic thing ever because every couple does it so. It’s an excuse to say that the first thought of the year Louis has is Harry’s lips pressed against his and Harry’s first thought is having Louis in his life. Just an excuse because it’d happen anyway.

But there’s something else. Something else by the way Harry kisses Louis deeply and doesn’t pull away when half of the people there had to watch the fireworks up in the dark sky while the clock strikes the twelve chimes, because it’s like Louis is Peter Pan and is flying with Harry in his hand, taking him to Neverland.

“Kiss you at midnight, check.” Harry whispers with their lips brushing, eyes still closed and forehead pressed together, with his hands cupping Louis’ cheeks. The shorter man manages to hear him and finds himself smiling and wanting to kiss him and kiss him and  _fucking kiss_  Harry’s life out of him. “It’s about time.” He jokes chuckling and it’s a temptation to feel his hot breathe hitting Louis’ lips.

“I expected it to be sooner.” Louis rests his hands above Harry’s, keeping them on his cheeks and opens his eyes. Harry looks beautiful and Louis is so sure he loves him. Louis is sure Harry loves him and is sure that he wants to keep him in his life.

Harry nods as if agreeing with Louis’ words and leans over again to peck his lips, not giving time for Louis to shut his eyes as well when pulls away. “Happy new year.”

“I can’t lose you.” Louis whispers, his voice showing all the emotions he is feeling.

Harry opens his eyes and simply smiles. “You won’t. I promise.” And at the end Louis doesn’t really watch the fireworks, instead he looks at Harry, whose face is illuminated by them and Ed ends up not even kissing a man, much less a woman.

~*~

Louis’ phone rings during his class and he truly hates when that happens. It’s embarrassing and annoying and it interrupts him when he is in the middle of something important. Lucky him, this time he is sat on his desk while the students are practising an exercise.

It must be Harry, Louis is eighty percent sure it’s him – actually eighty seven percent –, which makes him pissed off. Harry knows he is having a class at this time in the evening so why would he even call him?! Okay, they fought. Harry came picking Louis up to have lunch at his flat, because apparently Harry now cooks. It was his new year’s resolution and is now March and he is doing great and since he had time due his day off, Louis preferred going home rather than eating a sandwich at work.

They were just casually having a chat when suddenly Harry asks “Do you still hate the flat you live in?” because of course he still remembers what Louis once told him.

“It’s bearable now.” Louis answers, it’s still not home but he learnt this past year that home might not be applied to the place he lives in or is currently on but rather the people he is with.

“But are you okay with living with Zayn there?” Louis frowns and notices that Harry isn’t even looking at him, is focused on his half full plate.

“I always lived with Zayn.” And now is more like he is living with Harry and then with Zayn and then with Harry and Zayn and sometimes Liam joining so it’s not like he can define it.

“I know, but once you told me you didn’t like it.”

“I never told you that I didn’t like living with Zayn.” Louis finds the urge to tell him and Harry looks kind of alerted by the way Louis talks to him and realises the words he is using to show his point to Louis.

“I know you like living with Zayn, Louis.” Harry groans and when presses his lips together takes a deep breathe. “I’m talking about living there, the fact that you didn’t look for that in your life, Zayn is just a bonus.”

“Zayn is my best friend. He is not just a bonus.” Louis protests relatively offended.

“Louis, I’m having a hard time in this conversation can you please cooperate?”

“Cooperate? Are you trying to tell me that Zayn doesn’t matter?” Harry frowns and it’s like his breathe gets stuck in his throat.

“What the – Louis! Did you hear me saying that?”

“No but I’m definitely seeing this conversation ending up on the wrong path because you’re touching in subjects I don’t feel comfortable talking about.”

“I’m trying to talk about your plans for the future.”

“That definitely weren’t these and definitely weren’t living with Zayn in a shitty flat and working as a teacher, I get it Harry. I know my plans didn’t end up well why the fuck are you trying to make me talk about them?” Louis raises his voice without thinking.

“Mines didn’t too but I’m working on it.”

“And I’m not?!” Louis shouts and that makes Harry hit with his fists on the table, starling Louis on his chair. He widely looks at Harry and drops his fork on the plate, making a loud noise.

“You’re making me nervous, can I start this again because apparently it didn’t go well on the first try?” He looks at his boyfriend in an apologetic way, definitely regretting what happened in the last two minutes but Louis shakes his head and stands up.

“I don’t want to hear you anymore.” He walks over to his jacket and starts dressing it, Harry runs to him and grabs his arm stopping him to leave. “You better not touch me.” He looks up at Harry and it’s scary, it’s scary and Harry still doesn’t know how to deal with Louis when he acts like this. Zayn knows but he once told Harry that he needs to find his own way to do it so, because Harry’s meaning in Louis’ life is different from Zayn’s.

“Please just don’t go.” Louis hesitates a little but releases himself from Harry’s touch brutally to leave from the flat’s door and this is how he got to school, mad and not in the mood to deal with a room full of students. So he put them practising a really difficult exercise and said that they would do it together next class.

“Sorry, guys.” He says trying to sound the least annoyed possible, however, when he looks over at his phone it isn’t Harry’s name that appears, is Niall’s. He rolls his eyes and declines the call putting his phone on silence. Why on earth would Niall call him in the middle of the afternoon?

His first bet is that Harry went to his encounter to talk about the episode at lunch time, which is a low move really. But he tries to forget it going back to the book he is reading about theatre and live performing. At least that’s interesting.

Three seconds later and he sees his phone lightening again next to him above the desk. He sighs loudly, some of his students look strangely at him but they get back to rehearsing when Louis hits the decline button again.

Louis wants to pull his hair off when Niall’s ID appears on the screen the same moment he had looked away. “Fucking hell,” He mumbles to himself. “I’m sorry, I really have to answer this call just continue what you’re doing, I won’t take long.” He informs them while standing up and grabbing his phone from the desk.

They all nod and Louis quickly goes outside, standing close to the door before answering the call. “What the hell Niall, I’m in the middle of –“

“Harry is in the hospital!” Louis stops right away when listens to Niall’s shaky voice.

“What?” He freezes and his voice suddenly sounds soulless.

“He suffered a car accident and I just received a call from the hospital. I don’t – Louis please come here right now it might be serious and –“ Louis doesn’t let himself hear Niall’s crying voice any longer and ends the call right there not asking for any other explanation. He touches his jean’s pocket, feels his car’s keys and doesn’t waste time when runs out of the hallway to the outside of the school.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck, breathe, breathe, fucking breathe_ , he tells himself in his head when gets in his car but he notices how he is shaking already when grabs his keys to open it. He takes almost a minute to open the door and another to start the car. He looks at his phone screen and sees a text from Niall with the name of the hospital Harry got in and then dials Zayn’s number right away, putting it on speaker while he starts driving off from the parking lot.

He isn’t having classes right now because if he did Louis would start panicking and he would probably just sit on his car and cry, waiting for everything to solve itself.

“Louis?” Zayn answers obviously confused with the call.

“Zayn?” His voice comes out weak and not sounding like himself. “Zayn I need you to – I need you to go to my class and – just tell them to go… let them go I’m on my way to – I can’t teach now I’m going to –“ it’s painful and physically difficult to speak, everything in his head is a mess and it’s starting to even be impossible to see by his watery eyes. He is in the road, not caring about the speed limit and how he is holding his phone with one hand even though he just heard that Harry got in a car accident –  _in a car accident_.

“Little one breathe. Listen to me, breathe and try to speak to me calmly. I can’t understand if you don’t do that.” Zayn tries to sound calm but calm is far from what he is at the moment.

Louis takes a deep breath and stops on the red light, he takes his hands to his hair and sniffs. “I left my students in class alone. I need you to go there and tell them they are excused and get my things, please. I’m on my way to the hospital.” It’s clear that he is making a huge effort to speak without his voice coming out shaky like Niall’s when he gave him the news.

“Hospital? Why are you going to the hospital? Babe, are you okay?” The light turns green and Louis horns when the car in front of him takes two seconds to start driving again.

“Harry. Harry is – please get there afterwards. I will need you, I don’t know –“

“Okay. Okay, okay, Louis. Please drive safely,” Louis feels the tears starting to wet his cheeks.  _He suffered a car accident. It might be serious_. “I won’t take long, I’m still at school. Please breathe. All right, I’m gonna hang up. I love you.” Louis nods even though Zayn doesn’t see it and throws his phone on the passenger seat.

He tries to control his breathing but is almost impossible because if he thinks about one minimal think he loses it and it’s not that easy to get his mind all blank while he is driving and with so much happening.

He doesn’t count how long he takes to reach the hospital but clearly is a lot and he isn’t feeling any better, much the otherwise, makes him feel worse. He runs inside the building and finds the reception area. Tears from anxiety keep streaming down but he doesn’t even notice anymore.

“Excuse me!” He calls from the lady behind the counter “Ha –Harry Edward Styles. He got here today, probably in a space of one, two hours ago. Car accident I suppose.” He keeps his hands above the counter and he never, ever looked at them shaking this much.

The employee gets a look on the computer and Louis keeps looking around maybe hoping to see Niall or just  _someone_  he can look up for. “You need to go to the A&E department, sir. There you will have to wait and a doctor will tell you the state of the patient when possible.”

“He is in the ER?” He asks in horror and the lady nods apologetically.

“It might take a while so you need to be patient.” Louis feels his bottom lip trembling, he thanks for the information and finds his way to the waiting room of the department he needs to be. He doesn’t even run anymore, his body is weak and he has too much to process.

When he gets there he sees a lot of plastic chairs, the colours are pale and Louis looks around to see dozen of people in the same state as him. Between them he sees a blonde guy sat on the corner, isolated from everyone and Louis knows that’s where he needs to sit.

Niall raises his head as if sensing Louis’ presence and as soon he spots Louis walking towards him, he stands up to hug him. For the first time ever, Louis embraces the younger guy, accepting the hug and sinking his face on his shoulder, where he lets the sounds of his sobs muffle away.

“Please tell me something else besides the fact he is in an emergency room.” Louis breathes out, slowly pulling away. Niall’s eyes are red and Louis hopes he had only been crying because of the fear of the news and not because something else. Hopefully, or not, Niall shakes his head and clears his face with the back of his arm.

“They just told me his car got hit by another car and –“ He is about to say something else but shuts his mouth immediately. So he knows something else.

“What? Niall, what?” Louis asks desperately.

“The man who hit him he… he died on the ambulance on the way here.” Louis’ eyes get wide. “But wait,” Niall says in a rush. “He was driving fast and wasn’t wearing seat belt so he flew out of the window.” He looks down, clearly disturbed with what he is saying. “Harry was wearing a seatbelt.” He says as if that would make things any better.

“Which side of the car he hit?” Louis asks, pressing his eyes tightly together. Niall shakes his head again. “Answer.”

“I don’t – I don’t know…”

“They didn’t tell you any other detail?” Niall gives a step back with the way Louis shouts at him, looking like he is about to hit him right there.

“No. And honestly I don’t think I would want to know that detail in particular. They called me from Harry’s phone and I asked the point of the situation so they just informed me that the guy who hit him was taken minutes before in a critical state and just when I got here they told me he passed away.”

“Harry! I don’t care about anything else beside Harry.” Louis presses the subject.

“He was half awake and they were trying not to let him black out. The man said they were taking him here and that was all.”

“That was all? Can’t they do their fucking job properly and tell you his state?” He shouts, everyone get their eyes towards Louis but they don’t look like they are judging him due the condition of the moment.

“They can’t tell his state in the local of the accident. They needed to bring him here. It takes time.” Louis brings his hands to his head, shaking it and looking paranoid. “Louis, you need to calm down.” Niall raises his hand to touch him but Louis snaps it away.

“Don’t you dare to tell me that while he is in there and I’m here waiting for the time someone comes from that door and tell me if he is going to survive.”

“He is going to survive.” Is Niall’s time to shout and hell, they’re clearly arguing in the middle of the waiting room from the hospital and Louis isn’t ready to happen what usually happens with him in bars. “So don’t you  _dare_  to say that! This isn’t my fault so yes, you’re going to calm down, sit down and wait like everyone else.” Louis sees the tears prickling on the corners of Niall’s eyes, which makes Louis’ shoulders not to look as tense as they were. He gulps and doesn’t say a word when takes a seat on the pale, green, plastic chair.

Niall sighs maybe in relief or pain and sits on the chair next to Louis. He rests his fists on his lap for a minute before raising them and putting them around Louis and making him rest his head on his shoulder. Niall pats his hair and kisses the top of his head. It’s weird, definitely weird but makes Louis shut his eyes and put in his brain that he does need to wait.

It just doesn’t make his heart stop beating that fast and looking at his world slowly crumbling down.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » please don't kill me.


	33. Hour

Four hours have passed.  _Four_. So it’s now 9pm and in this space of time a lot happened.

Louis was calm during fifteen minutes while Niall kept trying to comfort him even though he also needed someone to be by his side in that moment. But it wasn’t possible and if he didn’t keep holding Louis, the older man would have a break down right there.

It was all kind of controlled until a doctor appeared. Right in that instant Louis raised his head and when he saw the man with the white vest he stood up as fast as possible, not letting Niall stopping him and grabbed the man to make him speak. The only answer he got was that he needed to wait because they still couldn’t give him information. Louis started shouting like a mad man and Zayn appeared right when he yelled  _how the hell can you know who I am talking about if I didn’t give you a name?_

It wasn’t the worst state Zayn had seen him but the truth is that he knew that it was going to get worse. He took Louis back to the seat, crouched himself in front of him and grabbed his wrists on his lap. Louis tried to fight as always but Zayn is still stronger so he kept him still without saying any word.

It was still too early for Louis to understand that he needed to wait for someone to tell him the good or bad news, so that was when he started crying. Tears didn’t stop streaming down his face and he couldn’t even hide it with the way Zayn was holding his wrists and keep him sat on the chair and he didn’t even have a shoulder to wash his tears because Niall and Liam – who of course came with Zayn – were watching a couple of steps away and it wasn’t Zayn choice to hug his best friend.

Words like _he promised he wouldn’t leave me_ , _we fought today I can’t handle this_ and _I’m not going to live without him_  started leaving Louis’ mouth and it only made Zayn’s grip on his wrist get tighter. The pain flew through Louis’ veins and uncontrolled sobs made those words sound incoherent.

_Little one, listen to my voice. You can’t deal with this situation like this. You will wait like everybody else in this building is doing and you will have faith. Don’t make this hard for you, for us and for the people around who is watching you. You are going to be strong. As strong as Harry is being there. He got this. I got you._

It didn’t make Louis stop crying and shaking, but he started to be quieter. Zayn allowed himself to sit next to him, after his small speech and hold Louis’ hand on his lap, looking at him. It was like this for thirty minutes where Niall learnt that the way he dealt with Louis wasn’t in the most of part the best but also not the worse and where Louis kept between his quiet sobs looking at the floor and mumbling  _this is nightmare and I’m going to wake up_   _soon_.

After those thirty minutes Zayn sat next to Niall, who explained to him what he knew about the accident. Zayn had his eyes watering but he didn’t cry, he blinked the tears away and sat again next to Louis again, whispering  _I’m going to be by your side now_ , who made the blue eyed guy whimpering but didn’t say a word, allowing his best friend to be there for now.

So they still don’t know a thing. Another doctor walks to the waiting room but only to talk with other group of people. The news are bad and Zayn needs to keep Louis next to him as if he was a child, stopping him to stand up and attack the doctor.

The way the people react to the news are no good and apparently Louis can’t handle it as well. He hears something about coma and it brings chills to his spine. He stands up, literally pushing Zayn off of him and walks away from the room. Zayn decides not to follow him because that’s what Louis does when it’s too much, he finds space and isolates himself. Zayn doesn’t know how to deal with these yet and he thinks he never will, especially when it’s something he knows Harry can deal with. Something Harry is the cause of.

Liam appears from the food machine holding a chocolate bar and a cup of coffee that he took from the machine next to the other. He gives the chocolate to Niall, who weakly smiles to him and goes sit next to his boyfriend for the first time since they arrived at the hospital and finally finds the courage to speak.

“How are you?”

“No good. But definitely better than him, which worries me a lot.” Zayn sighs and accepts the coffee Liam hands him. “Thank you.” Liam’s eyes are red and Zayn doesn’t even dare to look at him because he knows he cried not because of the fact Harry is in there but because he saw the way Louis was reacting, the way Zayn helped him and the way both seemed so desperate to just get out of there.

“Do you think Harry really got it?” Zayn bites his lip Liam rests his hand above Zayn’s thigh, squeezing it a bit.

“I had a cousin who had a car accident. He was hit by the car, whose driver was drunk. He was wearing a seatbelt, he was driving carefully, he was going to buy flowers to his mother to her birthday but he wasn’t the lucky one. It wasn’t fair, he didn’t deserve it, it wasn’t his fault but he was the one suffering and passing away. I hate lying to him but sometimes I know I have to because… I actually don’t know anything.” Zayn sights in a guilty way. He tightens his grip on the cardboard cup till his fingers turn white and looks at the coffee’s dark colour, wondering if right now his eyes look like that by the anger and emotions it lands on them. “But I do know I’m also not ready to handle this. I want Harry okay and I don’t know if it’s okay for me to say it but I want him okay not only because of him and because he is my friend but mainly for Louis. I’m not ready to take care of him if something happens to that guy in there. One thing is him suffering knowing that Harry is alive but he just isn’t next to him, because he can’t, other thing is him suffering knowing that he can’t get Harry back and it wasn’t his choice leaving. He could have stayed.” Zayn finishes, pressing his lips tightly together, a gesture Liam mimics.

He grabs Zayn’s hand in his and brings his knuckles to his lips, kissing every single one. “I love you.” Zayn nods, too overflowed with emotions to actual say the words back. He looks at his boyfriend and leans over pressing their lips together and rests his head on Liam’s shoulder. It’s his turn to be held.

Stella appears five minutes later and she runs right away to Niall, who hugs her tightly and they stay like that for some minutes before pulling away. She is still wearing her clothes from work and it’s clear that she is shaking while Niall talks to her about everything – everything that he knows, that is the minimum.

Three cigarettes later and Louis walks in again. His eyes keep focused on the floor, he sits far away from the group, not meeting anyone’s gaze. Stella follows him with her grey eyes but she doesn’t find the courage to actually say something.

They’re all too fragile, too deep in the black hole to move and react to life around. Especially Louis, he is only breathing because it’s a natural thing and he doesn’t need to think about inhaling oxygen every second to survive, so that’s the only reason why he doesn’t stop himself from doing it as well. He doesn’t notice the time passing as well, even though he has his lock screen from his phone unlocked, while staring at his and Harry’s picture in the Leeds Festival – is torture.

He doesn’t like the pain. This time it’s hard, unwelcome and he wants to stop it. The walls look greyer than they seemed when they first got in here, there’s less people around but the ones walking away left with tears and sorrow, the sun has long setting making the whole room darker and sadder. It just has the worst scenario ever.

Louis feels his eyes burning as well as his body, for different reasons since the eyes from his friends are the ones burning his figure and the tears are the ones setting on fire his blue eyes, which is ironic.

Louis had given up on looking hopeful when a doctor appears or walks by around half past seven, he knows it won’t bring any news. He sees Niall and Stella sitting in front of him, glancing at him but they look pitiful. Louis doesn’t want their pity, he doesn’t want them to feel sorry for him. They should feel sorry only for Harry, sorry and worried instead. Louis still thinks he can take care of himself even though he is too deep in the black hole.

Zayn and Liam have been exchanging the kind of gestures Louis needs to share with someone else as well, which reminds him he actually can’t. He had seen Liam crying a little for the past hour but it was him the one holding Zayn instead of the otherwise. They also haven’t made any move to talk and get close to him since they asked him if he wanted to eat something and he ignored the question and by the way he pushed Zayn away from the last time, he might have understood it as  _a leave me alone I don’t want to talk with anyone either wise I’m going to explode and break everything from this building_. And Louis can actually find the courage to do it so Zayn keeps next to Liam far away from him.

He thinks he might have fallen asleep between all those agony moments, perhaps trying to cut the ache but it only makes him realise that he really isn’t having a nightmare. It’s reality because he wakes up with his cheeks wet by the tears streaming down and he is sure he had seen a Harry on the floor surrounded by blood in the bathroom floor.

It doesn’t make any of his friends coming to his rescue, mainly because they are gone. Well, there’s Stella sitting on the same spot he remembers seeing her. She’s looking strangely at him but he recognises the concern and alarm in her gaze. He meets her eyes, when cleans the tears from his face but doesn’t say a thing. He thinks the next time he speaks his voice won’t come out normal.

“Ho –How are you feeling?” She asks, hesitantly.

Louis rests his forehead on the wall next to him. It’s cold, he is actually shaking not only because of the whole situation but also because he is freezing. The wall he is pressed next to is too cold and uncomfortable, the chair much worse and his jacket smells like Harry so he had to take it off.

It would be good talking and just stop this silence but he really isn’t in the mood to and he might not have strength to do it so.

“Erm, the others went downstairs to eat something, Zayn looked like he was about to pass out by how pale he was.” Louis finds a wave of worry hitting him, knowing that he clearly needs his amount of sugar per day and when his levels of stress and anxiety hit its limit his blood pressure drops easily and he might black out for some seconds. Then he remembers that Liam is with him, he is okay as long as he is with him so he tries not to think too much about that too. “They were also going to call Ed. Apparently Delilah isn’t in town so Liam told us that is better if we just don’t tell her anything.”

 _Unless he dies because if that happens we might as well do it. Maybe call his parents too, the possibility of them living with the blame of not caring enough is very high, they deserve it. Then they will only live with their young precious kid._  Louis thinks and it’s pathetic as well as miserable. He needs water, also food and another cigarette.

It’s like Stella can read his thoughts because she looks at him terrified and about to snap out. “Louis!” so she does and she is loud calling his name. It doesn’t startle him, he keeps still in the chair as if nothing had happen. “Just speak god dammit. It’s not fair.”  _No shit. Because it’s not, it’s not fair that such a young man is in an emergency room because of this_. “We’re trying to handle this the best we can. Not make all the matters worse.”  _Because there’s a good way to handle this. Because I should be here smiling and talking as if my boyfriend wasn’t in risk of death_.  _Because if I’m not reacting like all of you I’m the worst_. “And you’ve been sat on that chair for hours as if everything was lost again. Did you give up?”  _Shut up, shut up, shut up. You know nothing_.

“Did you?” Louis keeps his mouth shut like he has been with. “Louis!” She shouts again and Niall appears, quickly walking to her side and resting her hands on his shoulders. He whispers something to her, probably something like  _you shouldn’t be dealing with him like this_.

Zayn walks to the front of him and hands him a bottle of water. It’s the most Louis does. He raises his hand and accepts it. Zayn offers him a tired smile and Louis knows it means nothing that a smile should mean, it is just a reminder that right now is the same if Louis receives it or not.

~*~

It’s eleven when Louis hears a doctor saying  _Harry Edward Styles_  and at first he thinks is only kidding until he sees everyone else around him giving attention to the doctor stood up there, with a paper in his hand. He might be the last one standing up from the chair but he is the first one going to next the man.

“Ye –Yes?” He clears his throat and no one speaks, it’s like they’ve forgotten Louis hasn’t speak in almost five hours. “How is he?”

The man looks down from his glasses and passes his eyes through the paper he is holding to read it. Louis’ heart is about to come out of his chest, he isn’t ready. He isn’t ready to listen so a big part of him is telling him that he should turn around and run to his flat and just hide there. But he stays, the small part of him is winning and he is staying.

“Well the situation is,” Louis takes a deep breathe but he feels everyone else stop breathing. He shuts his fists tightly and he wished he could sink deeper his nails harder on his skin. “we first thought that Mr Styles suffered from a sudden cardiac arrest in the local where the accident occurred due to his shortness of breath and then loss of consciousness. It happened that he suffered from a couple of concussions, which then lead to the said unconsciousness for a long time followed by vomiting and heavy headaches resulted of the impact of his head on the side of the window. We had to keep observing him to prevent side effects and repetitions as well as analysing his short term of loss memory and minimizing the risks. Due to the window breaking he also had medium to serious lacerations and cuts, a broken arm and a knee injury.”

“Is he okay?” Louis asks right in the moment the man finishes.

“He had a lot of luck, it could have been worse since the driver didn’t hit him directly, so he is resting yes.” Louis finds himself breathing in fucking relief, he knows he shouldn’t, he knows Harry has suffered and probably is still too shocked and not okay at all but he finds himself relived.  _He_  is okay. He is resting and Louis needs a chair because he feels his knees failing and his heartbeat in all the parts of his body.

He hears his friends saying something and also talking to each other but he can’t even see properly, his body is the only thing present there because holy fucking shit, he was about to be the one dead in there. These last hours were hell and Louis is crying again without feeling it.

“Yes but we can only allow family right now.” The doctor answers at something one of them as asks and Louis only hears that, the answer.

He feels his own hands cleaning his wet cheeks and he clearly talks in desperation. “I’m family.”

“What are you for him, sir?” The man politely asks looking at him and Stella had walked away to sit, with her hands holding her head in shock by the whole moment.

“I’m his boyfriend.” Louis answer easily.

“I’m sorry but that’s not really–“

“I’m the only family he has and will ever have here so please, consider it. I beg you!” and he is, Louis is begging to the man to let him in and maybe works. He looks attentively at Louis and even though he takes some time he nods, before taking from his pocket a visitor card.

Louis forgets about everyone around him, almost forgets who he is, when the doctor makes signal for him to follow him along the corridor.

It smells like death but Louis is in that state that it doesn’t even matter because Harry is alive. Well, they said he is but he needs to see him to believe it, to be in peace again. He needs proofs because he is in such agony that it doesn’t seem reality the fact he is going to see Harry again. He experienced the moment when he thought he was going to lose him again, this time for real and in a more drastic way and everything makes Louis realise that he is so into this guy that he almost needs him to function. It’s still not okay and healthy but Louis thinks that this is the one thing he won’t be able to fix. Living without Harry.

The man stops in a half shut door and points at it. “He will be soon moved to another room, but for tonight he is going to stay here.”

“He is going to spend the night here?” Louis asks astonished, it’s not surprising but hell, Louis wants to take his boy home and take care of himself.

“Of course, tomorrow too. We need to keep track on him now in case of anything happening.”

“But… is he, like, in risk?” Louis asks precariously.

 The doctor smiles a little and rests his hand above Louis’ shoulder. “Don’t worry he is going to be okay. We’ve got him.” And that’s probably what Louis needed and needs to hear after all. “I’ll leave you now. If anything happens call a doctor, he might has fallen asleep again but he is okay and will probably wake up a little dizzy and tired, yet no need to worry.” The man finishes and leaves with a polite smile. Louis quickly feels a pleasant warmth inside of him, it’s okay, right? It needs to be all okay.

He takes another deep breath and turns to the door. “Fuck,” He whispers to himself and still feels his eyes prickling by the tears, he has got a running nose as well as a sore back and cold body but he is going to see Harry. He needs to see Harry.

When he opens the door he sees that there’s only one bed in the room where Harry is on the left side. Louis doesn’t waste time on walking in, shutting the door behind and going closer.

He sees Harry and it hurts. He remembers that one time Harry fell in the lake and he got sick worried and then came to see him without anyone knowing. It didn’t hurt as much as this because in that time Harry didn’t have his right arm in a cast, tubes up in his nose, his blood receiving hospital serum and his face with that many cuts. He has his eyes shut and Louis needs to see them open  _to be sure_.

He feels like he is going to have a panic attack at any moment but he sits on the chair close to the bed and stares at Harry’s swollen face closer. It’s not anything drastic but Louis can see one stitch close to his eyebrow, his eye is a bit swollen and his lip had been bleeding. He can also see cuts in the side of his collar bones, going down on his casted arm.

Louis dares to raise his hand to touch his face and caresses his cheekbones softly. “Fucking hell Harry.” He whispers. “You got me here, you got me pretty badly.” He sighs deeply going down from his cheeks to his swollen lip, passing the tubes. “Remember when you fell down that lake and I thought you were going to die in my arms?” He chuckles, he actually chuckles but his face drops holding Harry’s free hand, which is rested above his chest. It goes up and down and in some way it relaxes Louis simply by watching those movements. “Somehow that seemed less painful than what you just did to me today.” He rests his elbows in the mattress and raises Harry’s hand, bringing his knuckles close to his lips. “You fucking bastard, I thought you were going to die.” He feels the tears running down his cheeks. “You were going leave me right when you promised me the otherwise. We fought, that didn’t seem the right way to say goodbye to you.” He sighs again, kissing one more time Harry’s skin and looking up to Harry’s face, whose eyes are already open looking at him. “Hey…”

“Hi!” Harry answers, voice rough and weak but he manages to offer Louis a smile. Louis bets his own eyes look redder than Harry’s. “Don’t cry for me, beautiful.” Louis brings Harry’s hand from his lips to his own cheek, leaning to the touch and shutting his eyes to get rid of the last tears.

“Don’t ever do this to me again. I love you.”

“I love you too. I’m here, Lou.” He releases his hand from Louis’ and wipes his tears away. “I’m sorry if I made you worried.” He says and Louis wants to lay down on the floor and think about life and what happened to him these past twenty six years he was alive. He remembers Harry saying this in a hospital bed many years ago and it makes him realise that his feelings for the younger guy have grown up like crazy.

“You better be. Very sorry.” He sobs, his bottom lip trembling.

“I really, really want to kiss you right now.” Harry says, making Louis open his eyes and look at his expression. Louis stands up from the chair, sinks his hand on the mattress next to Harry’s body and leans over to press his lips right in the corner of Harry’s, very carefully while his other hand caresses the side of his face and hair. Harry might flinch in pain but is briefly.

“I missed you.” Louis says, his lips still hovering Harry’s. “Zero to ten, how much in pain are you?”

“Maybe a six and a half.” He groans when Louis moves to sit again. “Seven.” He corrects himself and Louis grabs his hand one more time, rubbing his thumb in the back of it. “My head feels like is going to explode, my mouth tastes like blood, my throat hurts… my whole body hurts. Can’t move my right leg.” Louis nods and gives him an apologetic look and when he is about to open his mouth to say something Harry stops him. “I don’t think I want to know what really happened to me… Though, what happened to the other driver? I can’t remember much but were there other victims?” Louis nods and takes some time to speak.

“One. He didn’t make it to the hospital.”

“Oh.” Louis swears Harry is going to start crying at any moment so he lightly squeezes his hand.

“Baby… don’t think about that now, please.” Harry joins his lips tightly, making him realise the cut there, flinching once again in pain.

“I need to tell you something about where I was driving and –“

“No.” Louis shakes his head. “No, no, no. You’re going to rest now, no talking.” Louis knows Harry is about to protest but he doesn’t allow him to. “Rest. Please.” Harry sighs but nods – well, tries to nod. “I’ll be right here.”

“You will?”

“Of course.” Louis nods, Harry smiles at him and maybe that’s when he allows himself to shut his eyes again.

Louis thinks about a little Harry laid down on this type of bed fourteen years ago and that it almost looks exactly like the same boy in front of him. Same pale face, same thin hair, same pink lips and more importantly the same heart that Louis is so grateful for still being beating.

~*~

Louis doesn’t fall asleep. Apparently the doctors allow him to be in the room with Harry the whole night. Harry manages to get a good amount of hours of sleep, waking up in the middle of the night twice. The first time a nurse comes in to observe him and Louis takes advantage of it to go outside, drink a coffee and smoke a cigarette. He also sees his four friends plus Ed, who probably came later, on the same seats he had left them. Stella and Zayn are asleep so Louis only speaks with Liam, Niall and Ed. He explains to them Harry’s state, making all of them a bit relieved. Niall asks Louis  _and how are you?_  which he replies with  _definitely better_  and a smile.

The second time Harry wakes up they speak for a while, where Harry can’t say coherent sentences by the tiredness and painkillers he had taken previously. He makes a complex declaration of love to Louis, protests about the sky not being blue at night and cries about him being incapably of fucking Louis against the wall because he just really wants to. Louis can only laugh by listening to such things, literally, especially when Harry has one eye semi open and talks as if he was drunk.

When he falls asleep Louis keeps an eye on him and around 6am he decides to call his mother. He knows the time is worrisome so when Fiona answers the call after almost getting in the voice mail, he is not surprised with her alarmed tone, the one he once listened to many times ago.

“Louis? Louis, what’s wrong?

“I’m okay now mom.” He whispers, some feet away from Harry’s bed. “I just need someone to talk to right now.”

“Now? It’s six in the morning, what happened?” She asks desperately. “I’m here, talk to me.”

“Erm, Harry is in the hospital.” Louis starts listening to her stressing out and since he can’t really talk louder than a whisper he lets her ask everything she has to ask, not paying much attention to it because he knows it’d make him feel worse. “Hear me out, please.” He says after her telling him not to stress out.  _Him_ , who is speaking in the calmest tone since the beginning. “He is fine now. Doesn’t look that good, but he will be okay. He got into a car accident and got in here yesterday by the evening.” The words burn in his throat. He rubs his tired eyes and rests his head in the window looking outside at the lights from the city. “Jesus mom I thought he was going to die.”

“Sweetheart, oh my god, why didn’t you call me earlier? My heart, my baby, is he really okay?”

“He is tired mom. It was kind of bad, but he was lucky.” He sighs and turns out to rub his temples afterwards. “I was so scared I think I’m the one not recovering from it.”

“We will be driving there today honey, I will talk to your sister and we will arrive by midday, all right?” 

“Yes… yes that would be good. Thank you mom.” He says, his voice getting softer.

“You’re welcome darling.” She answers and Louis chuckles by the fact she had called him three different pet names in the past minute.

There’s silence then but Fiona doesn’t ask if Louis is still there, doesn’t ask anything, she lets it be until Louis decides to speak again. “Mom, I have something to tell you.” She hums as answer. “Okay…” He takes a deep breathe, he hasn’t been breathing well the past fourteen hours, he doesn’t know how he hasn’t passed out by now. “I don’t want to talk about this with Harry.” He looks over at his boyfriend, who is still deep asleep in the same bed. “I mean, he knows about… the situation, but not about what I’m feeling right now.” Fiona hums again just to make him proceed. “I didn’t tell you but since Harry left years ago, I started having nightmares that stopped me to sleep. It wasn’t until me and Harry solved this…  _solved us_ … that it got better. It was always the same, Harry in pain, Harry dying, me not being able to help him and him telling me that I was the one leaving him.” He slides down the wall to sit on the floor. “I guess I started having some type of anxiety disorder, Zayn wanted to help me when I met him but I kept freaking out all the time. I fucked up a lot mom… and I know I’m an adult now but I still can’t take care of myself alone. And I need Harry in my life. And I need Zayn as well. And you and dad, Peter and Zoe. I need everyone in my life otherwise I will feel lonely and sad. Zayn told me that I needed some type of help. Almost like Harry, remember? But I don’t want to. I don’t. But tonight I didn’t let myself fall asleep because I knew I would have those nightmares again.” He sighs loudly and cleans his nose with the back of his arm. “Mom? Tell me something I need to hear.”

“I love you son and I’m very proud of you.” She says in some way a bit emotional.

“Mom…”

“But that’s what you need to hear.” She says easily and when Louis is disagreeing saying  _no it’s not_ she speaks at the same time as him, as if not letting herself hearing it. “Yes it is Louis. Don’t you think I knew you weren’t okay? Yes I knew. But I also knew you were and are strong enough to get rid of the emptiness and replace it with something good. Something only you would feel like it was right. No one is going to leave no one now, he is staying, you’re staying and I can promise you this. I can tell you as a mother that there is nothing for you to worry about, now. I believe in you two and I believe in you doing what you think is the best for you.”

“Are you sure mom?”

“Yes. Yes I am, Louis.” She answers and Louis bites his bottom lip to keep himself from smiling. Since kid he believes his mother’s words, she is always right, she is the woman in his life apart from his sister, who knows who he is and who he is never going to push away.

“Thank you mom. I love you.” Louis swears she is smiling on the other side.

“I love you too sweetheart, I will see you in a bit okay? Be safe.”

“Yes mom. You too.” And she hangs up and it’s okay. Louis is okay and Harry is about to wake up in a bit so he first needs to do something.

~*~

Is nine in the morning when Louis gets in Harry’s room again and he is awake, with a nurse next to him ready to leave after checking on him and giving him the pills he needs to take. She smiles at Louis and tells him that later today Harry will be able to change room. He notices that he doesn’t have the tubes in his nose and the hospital serum, which he knows are good news.

“Good morning, sleepy beauty.” Louis greets, shutting the door with his available hand and walking close to Harry, who is smiling directly at him. “Brought you something.” He says handing Harry a big bouquet of flowers. “They didn’t have daisies this time.”

“Lou…” Harry grabs them with his healthy hand and brings them close to his nose to smell the roses. “They’re amazing, I love it.”

“I love you.” Louis grabs the again to put in the jar next to his bed.

“I love you.” Harry answers and Louis leans over to kiss his temple. “I feel a bit better today. Zero to ten I will give it a five. Didn’t throw up anymore.”

“I know. I have been here all night, love.”

“Did you?”

“Of course. We even talked the second time you woke up.”

“God, I don’t remember anything.” He gets more comfortable in the bed and Louis adjust the pillow for him, he might shut his eyes tightly due the pain but is quick to recover, smiling again to Louis.

“Well, you said some pretty weird stuff.” Harry tries to raise his eyebrow, looking confused. “Yup, pretty cute telling me how much you loved me and what you feel for me since the beginning. Then the tables turned when you told me you wanted to fuck me against the wall and hear me moaning loudly.” Harry’s face gets all red, murmurs an  _oh god_  and goes with his hand to his face groaning after noticing it was a bad idea. “I know.” Louis laughs and it’s a bit painful for Harry to do it so but he does anyway. “My mom is coming today.”

“You called her?” Harry asks loudly, he sounds better and Louis can’t understand how strong he is being right now by how fast he is recovering since yesterday he saw him and looked like he wasn’t going to make it. Louis just kept that to himself.

“Yes. I needed to talk to her anyway.” He says rather seriously, not meeting Harry’s eyes and the green eyed boy frowns and looks attentively at his boyfriend.

“Are you… okay?”

“Are you?” he asks instead and if Harry was in another mood he would make Louis answer him first.

“Yes.”

“Then I am.” Louis smiles and that smile can make Harry less worried.

“I have to talk to you about something.” Is Harry’s turn to look and sound serious, Louis frowns but gets comfortable in the chair – which is impossible because it’s made of plastic and is too short for him to even rest his head on it. “Can you lay down here next to me?” Harry suggests and Louis can see that it’s a very bad idea and he has this paranoid that he is going to hurt him. Although he sees the look in Harry’s face and how desperate he needs Louis  _that_  close to him. It leads Louis to think that he wants that because of what he has to say needs him to feel Louis close. He doesn’t know if he finds that bad or good.

So Louis nods and stands up, helps Harry to get to the other side. He looks in pain, especially because of his knee but Louis does it quickly and lays down next to him, occupying the minimum space possible so Harry can still feel comfortable.

“Do I have to worry?” Louis asks, his hands above his belly and looking at the ceiling.

“I don’t think you do.” He looks at the side, Harry is smiling now, it brings chills to his spine. He is beautiful, he has a swollen eye and lip, cuts in his face, stitches above his eyebrow but he is still beautiful and Louis is so in love. He needs more touch, so he gets his right hand to the middle of their bodies to hold Harry’s left one, intertwining their fingers.

“Tell me then.”

“Okay. It’s going to be long.” Louis nods and leans over to the side to kiss his shoulder and go back to the same position. “First I want to apologise to you about our fight,” it makes Louis shake his head instantly but Harry shuts him up by saying “I’m the one talking here.” Louis sighs and bites his bottom lip. “I want to apologise because I recognise what I said. You overreacted, yes but… I should have expected it. Especially when I didn’t even talk to you like I wanted to. But… I had a purpose to that conversation, okay? Even though we could have talked about it in another way and it could have gone better.” Louis nods, suddenly finding himself really curious about the whole subject. “Which leads us to where I was driving before the accident happened.” Harry’s voice gets low and it almost seems that it makes him sad. Louis squeezes his hand starting to caress him with his thumb. “I got a new job.” Louis’ eyes go wide and he feels Harry starting to panic and getting tense so he decides that is better to keep the excitement all to himself and let him finish.

“Thank you.” Harry says realising that Louis is doing his best not to speak. “I got but… now I’m not sure? I don’t… I don’t know.” He sighs.

“Why didn’t you talk to me about this before?”

“Louis!” He warns him, looking over and Louis understands that Harry needs time and space to tell him what he is about to say. “I didn’t want to disappoint you once again,” Louis is about to open his mouth again but Harry continues. “I wanted to be sure that I got it first, before telling you. I wouldn’t want to tell you that I didn’t get it.” He looks away from Louis, to face the ceiling. “The thing is that I actually went to the interview and I was expecting them to accept me even before I got there, but I wanted to hear the yes from them first before telling you. Your sister’s husband, George helped me.” Louis’ eyes got wide again, surprised with the new. “We talked on their wedding. He told me that if the photos were good enough and if I worked hard he would talk and show them to his friend that works in a photography company. When he told me which agency it was I almost blacked out, it’s one of the best from London Louis. They go to fashion shows, they make photoshoots with models since glamour to vogue, they travel the world to photograph places for magazines and they still do jobs in weddings like I did it’s just… amazing. Once in a lifetime opportunity.” Louis stares at him and sees Harry smiling only by the idea of it.

“Basically, I was accepted as a beginner. I will start as an assistant, with the smallest jobs, help them and learn what I need to but they assured me that next year, if everything goes well, I can be promoted because they say I actually have skills. Yesterday I just needed to go there to sign the contract. I went there, I talked to George’s friend, I signed it and I’m supposed to start this week. How am I going to do it if I’m like this? Missing my first days of my new job? I even quit the other one already, I’m fucked.”

“Baby…”

“I don’t want to ask more favours to George and get more privileges. It’s not professional and –“

“Harry!” Louis calls his name and sits up, resting his back on the pillows. “Do you realise that you’ve got it already? What happened won’t change it. They won’t fire you because you got in a car accident. You show them the hospital papers to justify your absence and they will understand.”

“They are a big company, Louis. It doesn’t work like that!”

“It does. It will, it will work for you this time. I will talk to George and it doesn’t matter if it is a privilege. You can have it, you will have it to follow your dreams. Oh my god Harry, you actually did it. Do you realise how happy I am right now?” It actually makes Harry smile shyly by listening to it, he even tries to hide his face and not looking at Louis but is almost impossible. Louis leans over again and kisses his exposed neck. “I’m so proud of you my love.” Harry leans to the touch, shutting his eyes in pleasure and he just needs to purr.

“I’m not over yet.”

“No? More good news I hope.” Louis grins, his hot breathe still hitting Harry’s skin.

“It depends. It depends on you. On my job. And now on my car.” It makes him laugh due the end, Louis hums and snuggles his nose on the crook of his neck before pulling away completely.

“If it depends on me, then is a yes.” Louis half jokes, Harry grins looking at the side and tries to move his position again, to feel more comfortable and Louis sees him changing his expression to pain again.

“All right…” He lets his head back and shuts his eyes. “You know I get an early pay check of three thousand pounds when I start working. So around three thousand per month gives me a total of a thirty six thousand pounds per year. When I get the promotion I’ll be getting the money from each picture I take, so if I’m lucky I can go beyond that.” Louis frowns but Harry only looks at him to ask “You earn around two thousand and five hundred pounds per month, right?” Louis nods and he looks away once again. “That gives us a total of five thousand and five hundred pounds per month –“

“Are you teaching me maths or something?” Louis keeps frowning, stopping caressing the back of Harry’s hand with his thumb. “Because I find hard understanding what you’re trying to tell me.”

“I’m trying to tell you that I want to share a house with you.” Louis’ lips part and his blue eyes turn lighter and brighter looking at Harry. “Well, share isn’t the right term. I want to live with you.” Louis doesn’t speak, he keeps staring at Harry, who is looking back at him and at first was actually smiling but now is starting to raise his eyebrows and trying to get a response. The response isn’t coming and his face turns into a complete frown. “Lou, can you please just say something? I’m finding this position quite painful and I’m starting to get worried. Is it too soon? You don’t want to? I understand if you don’t I actually didn’t want to ask you this soon but your sister told me you would say yes.”

“M –My sister…?” he asks whispering and slowly.

“Yes. I’ve been thinking about asking you this for so long, like long before Christmas. Your sister was the one asking me if I had it in mind, especially if I get the job she  _said now you and Louis can finally make your dream come true and own a flat in London, I’m sure he will agree_. And I realised that it is what I exactly wanted.”

“What we exactly wanted…” Louis corrects him, still astonished and focused in one feature of Harry’s face. “Have you really thought about it?”

“Yes. And I looked for houses already. Even if we find a small one that we can pay for rent around two to three thousands that would be good. We’ll be all right. I didn’t want to accept it but your mother said that she can help us. Like she did with your sister so she’ll give us around ten thousand pounds to start.”

“My mom said that?” Louis drops Harry’s hand and sits Indian style looking at Harry in shock. It’s like this moment is not happening. Harry would like to move now but it makes all harder when he can only turn his neck slowly to Louis’ side and move his left hand.

“I’m sorry for doing this without talking to you first and after that conversation we had I understand if you don’t want to leave Zayn behind. But you won’t technically be leaving him and I might or might not have talked to him already about this as well.” Harry pauses trying to get the response he has been waiting for, trying to understand Louis’ reaction and what he is thinking but the older guy is still not giving him what he wants. “I recognise that it is a big step in our relationship, but see, we’ve been practically living together, we were always like this Louis. Fuck,” He shuts his eyes tightly and looks away from his boyfriend. “I wish I could just run away right now.” He groans. “I’m sorry I –“

“Shut up.” Louis says, it doesn’t sound harsh at all but it doesn’t sound the kindest either. “You’re an idiot. If it was me doing this, if it was me asking you this I would just go straight away like, Harry do you want to live with me? Let’s buy a flat, pack our shit and move out. Let’s make our old plans not forgotten.” He says half joking half seriously. Harry only looks confused at him, which makes Louis giggle.  _Fucking giggle_. “But you make a whole speech, say tones of bullshit… you basically direct a whole fucking movie.” He laughs and leans over to kiss Harry’s cheek, resting his forehead on his temple and just staying there like that for a second. “How about we do like this,” he whispers, kissing him one more time. “you first get out of this hospital, I take care of you in your flat then when your arm recovers and you start working we go see those houses, hum?”

“I’m so in love with you.” Harry whispers as well, turning his head to Louis, who carefully pecks his lips once and grins.

“I’m so in love with you too.”

~*~

After Harry changes to another room, Louis’ family arrives and gets to see him along with his five friends. Niall literally starts crying when sees Harry and shows him his disappointment for being waiting twenty one hours to see him looking this great _. I have a swollen face and an arm against my chest, Niall_ , Harry protests but is forced to shut up when Peter jumps in his bed and almost makes his other arm disabled. Louis nearly throws him out of the window by the scream in pain Harry lets out because of his brother.

Louis leaves everyone else catch up with Harry so he lets himself be behind observing the scene. He is finally able to breathe normally and smile till his cheeks hurt.

His mother goes talk to him, but doesn’t touch the subject they talked about on the phone, which he is glad for. She knows if he wanted to talk about it more he would push the conversation to that topic. Instead he talks about the ten thousand pounds she promised Harry, something she only grins and decides to talk about how much he and Harry have grown up. Then Louis is forced to leave her or he would start crying because she begins talking about their childhood, a very emotional topic.

So he walks out of the room, not really wanting to be there when the nurse arrives and sees ten people in a small room and decides to feel the fresh air in his face outside.

He takes his last cigarette from the pack saved on his jeans and lights it up, leading it between his lips.

“What is freaking you out now?” He hears from behind. He doesn’t turn around, he just keeps looking up at the sky and forgetting the amount of cars parked in front of him.

“Some stuff.” Louis answers and then yes, he looks at the side to be faced with Zayn asking him one cigarette as well. “Last one.” He says and blows the smoke once before handing it to Zayn.

“Did you really smoke a whole packet?” Louis nods looking ashamed of it but Zayn decides not to talk about it further. “He is fine Louis. You’ve got him.” Louis smiles a little with the words and then sighs.

“Yes I know.” He thinks about his next actions and then decides to walk closer to Zayn and rest his head on his shoulder.

“Then what’s bothering you, little one?” Zayn puts his hand around his petit body and holds him still against his body.

“Us.” Zayn doesn’t ask, doesn’t even frown with the word given, he just keeps smoking. “Do you have me as well?”

“Always.” He answers easily and Louis makes a small effort to look up at him.

“Will you still have me when I move out with Harry?”

“Will you think I left you if I move out with Liam?”

“Are you going to move out with Liam?” Louis asks instead, not caring if no one is actually answering at the questions given.

“No. Not yet at least, we still didn’t talk about it. We aren’t as serious as you two are in this relationship thing.”

“That’s not true. You two are dating way longer than me and Harry.” He protests but Zayn doesn’t take it as a sign that he might be mad.

“You two have a story Louis. You know you want him forever. He knows he wants a life with you. It’s different.” And it is, Zayn is right and Louis stops a little to think about it, to let it sink and he knows Zayn has a point. And his point is correct.

“I won’t think you left me.” Louis says then after some seconds in silence, sinking his face on Zayn’s chest and holding him by his hip. “You will still be with me.”

“I will still have you.” Zayn says then a small smile playing in his lips. When their eyes meet each other Louis takes some time looking at Zayn,  _really_  looking. Zayn is nodding as if that way he is agreeing with something Louis is thinking. “It’s a close up?” It isn’t meant to be a question but it does sound like one.

Louis bites his bottom lip, he hesitates again but then looks up and leans over to kiss the corner of his lips. He feels Zayn tensing under his touch but then he relaxes and squeezes his hip. “It is a close up.” Louis agrees when pulls away. Zayn smiles at him and takes his hand to caress Louis’ cheekbones. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, little one.”

~*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » of course i didn't kill harry !!!! so yeah, important question, do you think it will be hard for zayn and louis to part ways after this? what's your summary about their relationship throught the story? and finally, do you think harry and louis are ready for this new step?


	34. Colour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rough week for us, i'm not going to talk much about the fact that Zayn left since i've talked enough on my tumblr about it but i just want to say that after those days that the fandom looked so down and sad, now i'm freaking proud of us. Of us and the boys. It's all going to be all right, we are going to be okay!  
> so yeah, this first part of the chapter was made just because of zayn so let's just appreciate the fact that he is not going to leave my fics, ever.

“Do you realise that you’re a fat piece of shit?”  

“Wow Louis, I think we should go slowly, I’m feeling the love you have to give all at once.”  

“I’ve been feeding you for a month now,” Harry raises his plastered hand that first was against his chest, showing him the obvious. “You still have your left hand…” Louis rolls his eyes but at the same time lifts the fork towards Harry’s mouth, he opens it and chews with a smile. 

“You know my left hand can’t do shit, honey.” Harry teases, he might or might not be exaggerating because Harry’s left hand literally has less coordination that one from a right handed person. Is literally the worse and Louis is conscious of it even though he still thinks Harry is doing a bit on purpose. “Besides, feel grateful for me being able to walk properly already.”  

“Yeah I bet it does now since you’ve been wanking every time I go to work or out.” Louis says clearly just focusing on his first words. Harry opens his mouth in indignation and that’s Louis’ cue to put a forkful of rice in his mouth, almost making him choke.  

“That’s so not true.” Harry speaks with his mouth full, Louis shakes his head and is ready to lift his hand to give him more food, when Harry raises his left one to stop him. “Do you realise I’ve been horny all these past weeks, Louis? It’s been three weeks since we don’t have sex. This should only happen when are married and with seventy years old.” 

“Excuse me.” Louis fakes being offended, dramatically taking his hand to his chest. “Are you even thinking about me as well? Like, me? Your boyfriend, who has been taking care of you? Lonely, sad and horny while undressing you every day?” 

“I can let you suck me.” Harry smirks, leaning over Louis’ lips. 

“And what’s the benefits for me?” Louis raises his eyebrows, trying not to show interest on the subject, crossing his arms against his chest.  

“I can kiss you a lot, my mouth still works pretty well too… I can, you know, touch you... with my fingers.” He trails his fingers through Louis’ lips down, from his cheek to his neck and collarbones. Louis feels himself shivering and gulping with the gentle touch and by how close Harry’s lips are from his.   

“Yeah, with your left  _can’t do shit_  hand.” Louis says seriously, with the most monotone expression he can manage to do even though he is about to give up, fall to his knees and just give everything to Harry at this point.  

“Louis!” Harry groans and literally looks like he has loosen a battle, Louis doesn’t waste time on breaking the role and start laughing.  

"Harry!" 

“Stop laughing you jerk, I’m sad.” He pouts and Louis notices how he even tries to cross his arms over his chest but is impossible due his right hand, groaning again in frustration and pain then. “I’m literally tired of this hand.” 

“Me too.” Louis keeps laughing though but leans over and pecks his cheek with his lips. “I planned skyping with Zayn today.” He smiles sweetly and Harry sighs, standing up from his chair so Louis does the same.  

“You saw him like three days ago.”  

“Yeah but he planned telling me everything about his vacations today. I can’t wait till he comes back to tell me about France.” 

“France,” Harry rolls his eyes while they walk to the mattress, forgetting about the plates in the table behind. “he is a lucky bastard, I swear Liam is just the best to him. Who takes his boyfriend for his birthday to France? The city of love.” 

“You’re just jealous.” Louis laughs grabbing the laptop from the floor, he sits on the mattress, rests his back on the wall to put it above his legs and opens it. 

“Oh damn I am!” Harry tries to sit as normal as possible next to Louis, who watches him carefully just in case he loses his balance and ends up falling. His face isn’t swollen anymore, as predictable after three weeks but it was left a scar just above his eyebrow that Louis had memorised it as part of Harry and just something to love in him. 

“Baby,” He rests his head on Harry’s shoulder and presses his lips on the exposed skin from his neck. “I’ll take you on holidays one of these days. Venice if you want, fucking Caribbean if I have to. You will get tired of Paris for how many times we’re going to visit it.” He feels Harry smiling and trying to look down at him so when he raises his head he sees how right he was. “I promise.” He finishes kissing Harry, who smiles between their lips together. 

They’re interrupted with the sound of Zayn calling them on Skype and Louis feels obligated to pull away to answer it.  

“Hi!” Zayn pecks on the screen grinning. He has the best light hitting his face, on the background they can see a huge bed, tones of pillows in it and a painting above it hanging on the wall.  

“Are you like on a five stars hotel or something?” Harry says first, getting close to the screen with his face. Louis needs to pull his head away almost aggressively to see his best friend, who answers an  _almost_ , laughing. 

“Hi love!” The blue eyed guy says, receiving a disapproval look from his boyfriend. 

“Hello little one,” Zayn smiles and it might be the quality of the camera but his eyes shine looking at him.  

“How’s Paris? Is it as beautiful as you expected? I want to know everything.” 

“Is more than what I expected, is amazing.” He says in enthusiasm, stealing a big smile from Louis’ face, the type of making his eyes crinkle.  

Zayn tells them about what he and Liam have been doing the past three days, how they go out for breakfast on this traditional bakery in the morning, how they go to the museums and Zayn feels like he is the masterpiece next to Liam and how tonight they are going to see the Eifel Tower with all the lights. Somehow along the way Harry asks where Liam is but Louis shushes him and makes Zayn keep talking about what their plans are for the next three days and when he tells him that Liam expects to take him on a boat to travel the river tomorrow, he almost tears up with the image. 

“I miss you too.” Louis pouts looking at the screen when Zayn tells the same at him. They’ve never been apart like this, aside from when they argued last year but even there Louis had sure that Zayn was on the same country as him, he could still see him.  

Harry coughs and when Louis looks at him he smiles trying to cover up the jealousy, which only makes Louis giggle. 

“Liam arrived.” Zayn says and looks at his right to where Liam is probably walking in. The two guys see him opening his mouth in shock and when he stands up they see Liam with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. They probably mumble words that might make sense but for Louis and Harry are hard to understand. 

“You’re spoiling him like hell.” Louis says when they pull away from their kiss, Harry next to him making disgusted noises, as if he and Louis are any better.  

“He deserves the world.” Liam says, sitting in the chair Zayn was previously, making his boyfriend sit on his lap. 

“Yeah, the world just doesn’t deserve him.” Louis is the one speaking, Zayn literally blushes and tries to hide his face on Liam’s chest. “Christ man, you turned into a flower.” 

“I thought I was the flower.” Harry says next to him with his puppy eyes.  

“No love, you’re the whole garden for me.” The two guys from the other side of the screen say  _awe_  in union, while Harry grins and makes an approval noise leaning over to peck Louis’ lips.  

“Is it just me or this sounds like a sappy romantic movie?” Liam says, holding Zayn tighter by his waist. “Louis, man, I thought you weren’t one of those.” 

“ _Ugh_ , you met me in a bad time in my life. Now I’ve become who I was when I was seventeen. The worst.” 

“The best.” Harry says softly, snuggling in his neck and shutting his eyes with the warmness.  

“Disgusting.”  

“Speaks the guy, who took his boyfriend to Paris and now surprised him with roses.” Louis rolls his eyes while puts his arm around Harry’s waist, brushing his hip with his thumb. 

“You’re right.” Liam says lowly, making Zayn look at him and kiss his cheek whispering something like  _you’re the best_. 

“Okay guys we better leave you, hum? I feel like you two are getting something I’m not getting in weeks.” Harry says and Louis turns to him, lips parted, and slaps his arm almost as hard as if he wanted to make it as bad as his right one. 

“This is not something you go out and tell everyone.” Louis protests and Zayn and Liam are only laughing on the other side. 

“Oops?” Harry shrugs and honestly Louis wants to punch him. And then maybe kiss his face really hard.  

“Anyway. Yeah, we’re leaving you two. Love, update me once in a while, okay?”  

“Of course, little one.” Zayn nods and then turns to Harry to say way too seriously. “And you take care of him.” 

“It’s more like the otherwise at the moment.” Harry says, raising his broken arm, of fucking course. 

“In a week that’s healthy.” Zayn says not buying his excuse. “Bye, love you!” He says and Liam waves at them before he ends the call, letting Louis with his sentence midway. 

“He didn’t even let me say goodbye, that bastard!” Louis says and starts insulting his best friend by message on Skype knowing that he is probably only going to see it next time he comes online now. 

“He is going to be back soon.” Harry says leaning over him and brushing his shoulder with his good hand. 

“I know…” Louis says after finishing typing his  _not so nice words_  on the keyboard. “I shouldn’t be missing him like this, right?” Harry looks attentively at him and then allows himself to shake his head slowly. “But since you came back from the hospital it’s been harder and harder to be with him. I spend less time at home, there’s days I only see him at work and it hits me how much things have changed.” Harry’s face drops at the end and when Louis realises it, it’s too late. “Baby…” 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to change your relationship with him.” He says not looking over at Louis and trying to pull away from him, almost as if he doesn’t want to feel any touch from the older man. 

“Hey, hey, hey… please don’t.” Louis grabs him, pressing him back to his arm so they’re close. “I didn’t mean it like this. You’re my boyfriend. I still have Zayn, we still have our friends, is not you and me always, it’s healthy… just right now you need me more than ever.” 

“I don’t think you’re ready.” Harry says straight away, he speaks as if he hadn’t thought about the words that came out from his mouth. 

“What?” Louis frowns and pulls him away to have a look at his face. He had an idea about Harry is talking about, he just isn’t  _sure_ and doesn't want to face it 

“For us to live together. If everything goes as predicted I’m going to start work in a week when your parents are going to give us the money along with my early payment. That’s supposed to be the time we should do something.” He bites his bottom lip, eyes focused on the sheets. “But is too early, you aren’t ready to give this step, to be this far from Zayn.” Louis starts shaking his head frantically, desperate to give his point. 

“No. I am ready, Harry. I promise I am. Me and Zayn, we had a closure, he is still going to be in my life. No one is leaving anyone. Everything is going to be okay.” 

“A closure?” Harry narrows his eyes, looking confused and in a way curious. “You two needed a closure for what?” Louis sighs and goes back at resting his back on the wall, trying to relax his shoulders and looking forward.  

“Our feelings I guess.” He confesses. “This might sound really random and painful, we never talked about it, hell me and Zayn never talked about it directly. But I guess our feelings were a bit messed up and confusing. Along these years things got intense, I used to see him as you and he… he got attached. He liked the feeling in a way, knowing that at some point I wanted him to love me as much as you did. It never happened you see but we kissed at the party and I’m not sure if at that time I was seeing him as you or as Zayn. Then we fought because of you and jealousy, which pissed me off a lot because then he started dating Liam.” He breathes out, shuts his eyes for long seconds and then looks over at Harry to find a tough expression to read. “Please don’t be mad at me.” 

"When... When was this closure you talk about?" Harry asks unsure of everything really, of his words, of the words he heard Louis saying and even if he really wants to know what is to come next. 

Louis' breathe gets stuck on his throat, he wants to regret being honest but at this point there's nothing he can do and he knows he needed to have this talk with Harry. "The day my family came to see you in the hospital." he bites his bottom lip and isn't ready to see Harry's expression fall like he had just jumped out of a cliff. 

"That was a month ago, Louis..." he says, his voice breaking. Louis realises that Harry now wants to pull away more than ever but he still doesn't allow it to happen. "We've been together for almost a year." 

"It's not like that," Louis shakes his head and quickly grabs Harry's cheeks in both his hands, he pushes their foreheads together and shuts his eyes while speaking. "I love you, Harry. I literally love you so much and even before we got back together I knew I loved you. I never stopped loving you, you're irreplaceable. Understand when I say I was desperate to find the love you used to give me but it doesn't mean I found it. Doesn't mean I felt it. Is you, is only you." He breathes heavily, his eyes forming tears by how tight he shuts them together and his hands are shaking while touching Harry's skin. "It was different with him and the moment I saw you I was sure it was nothing but attachment and weakness." He whispers not sure if he even wants Harry to hear it, but obviously he does. "Please..."  _Understand_.  

He feels Harry's hand touching his right one, slowly sliding it down from his cheek. It almost makes Louis panic until he opens his eyes and looks at Harry, who stares at him softly. 

"No one cheated no one, right?" 

"No. No, I swear. Zayn loves Liam." Louis analyses the look in Harry's eyes in fear. "You believe in me, don't you?"  

"You love me, right? Only me?" Even though he is going to answer with words, Louis nods. 

"Only you. My whole life. It was only you." It makes Harry smile, his dimples popping out and Louis honestly feels the urge to touch them but instead he feels soft lips touching his and it becomes all blurry and then dark. It's always like this when they kiss for longer than three seconds, they're taken to another world. Then Harry pulls his warm and wet tongue inside Louis' mouth making,  _literally_ making him part his lips and it brings shivers through his spine. It's all he wants, it's all he needs and all these gestures and touches make him moan by how obscene their tongues touching feel and sound. 

"It makes me fucking jealous." Harry speaks, his lips pulling away from Louis' but he trails his tongue along Louis' jaw going down to his neck. "Wished I could fuck you right here, right now," he kisses the sweaty and hot skin from Louis' neck, who tilts his head to give Harry all the space he needs. "to remind you who you belong to. To mark you," He sucks hard till it hurts the skin, leaving a red mark on Louis' soft skin and a whimper from the blue eyed man's mouth. "to remind him that you're mine." 

"Yours." Louis repeats after him, grabbing the hair from Harry's nape.  

"I'm yours too, my love." Harry whispers and Louis is able to feel his hot breathe, meaning he is there and it's an amazing feeling knowing he is so close. 

Louis pulls Harry's face away from his neck by those same small strings of hair he was holding on and makes him look at him in the eyes. "How about we go searching for our possible home and then we talk about that blowjob you suggested earlier?" 

~*~  

"Oh for God's sakes, Niall!" Louis shouts, groaning in annoyance while putting two paint cans on the floor and quickly walking to the Irish lad. "It was the last fucking box, did you really had to drop it?" he grabs it from the floor close to Niall's feet and gives him a glower, making him give a step back. 

"Behave." Harry and Zayn say in union coming from upstairs, their feet touch each step at the same time, everything is a bit terrifying. 

"I hope there isn't any damage in there, otherwise not even Harry can save you from it this time." Louis protests, his voice husky and deeper than his normal tone, just really trying to sound tough, which Harry understands and laughs due it. He looks tinier than usual, he is wearing a massive sweater – which screams Harry and smells like him as well – a beanie and socks on top of the end of his sweatpants, he can only look cute, not dangerous.  

"Those are sheets and a duvet, Lou." The green eyed man says watching Louis walking past him, to go upstairs, to leave it on the room.  

"Another reason for him not to drop it. Is it that heavy?" His voice gets lower and lower by the time he goes to inside the room but he is quick to appear at the top of the stairs, sounding loud again while coming back next to them. "I swear Niall I advice you to go to the gym, you fucking chicken." 

"Stop bullying me." Niall can't even fake being mad or hurt because he says it wearing the biggest smile ever, which is in a way creepy. 

"I'm not bullying you, I'm being your friend by advising you and being honest. There isn't many of my type out there, I mean look at Harry. He told you that shirt looked good on you the other day when red suits you better than blue." 

"He said it matched my eyes." Niall pouts, literally pouts just asking Louis to slap him... or roll his eyes because it takes less energy to do it so. 

"I'm sorry to tell you but he says that to everyone with blue eyes. Only means it when it's with one person. Not you, not Stela, yes that's right, me!" he finishes, pointing at himself with the smuggest smile he could manage to do, raising his eyebrows in a way of teasing. 

"Louis!" 

"Harry!" he smiles at his boyfriend, knowing that he is trying to warn him from the way he speaks to Niall. He just won after this because he has the best come backs, ones that Niall is impossible to beat up and Harry can't resist his smile and voice. 

"You make me feel tired." Zayn is the one speaking, cleaning the sweat from his forehead with his arm and starting to walk towards the door. "I made my part, you two pay me later, I'm leaving to my boyfriend." 

"To the lazy one, of course!" Louis shouts, throwing his arms up in the air. "Yeah go on, leave me behind." 

"Yes he is going to leave you behind." Harry is the one stepping on the scene, walking close to Louis and wrapping an arm around his waist, showing dominance. "I'm keeping you here now." he whispers against Louis' temple, the shorter man rolls his eyes one more time while Zayn just smiles. 

"I guess you will need my ride now, Niall." Zayn says looking over at the blonde guy, who glances over at the couple but then walks towards him. 

"Yup, me and Louis have a lot to do now." Harry says, happier than someone who knows that is going to spend the day cleaning, finishing up unpacking and getting his stuff in place, would sound. He even says it in some enthusiasm, which Louis doesn't waste time showing him how weird he thinks it is, by the look he does. 

The two guys might say their goodbyes, wish them good luck, Zayn even leaves with the biggest smile ever knowing that Louis showed that he is going to be all right and is sure of what he is doing, but it's not like Harry and Louis listen to it or notice it... they might do, but it isn't certain.  

Louis finds himself relieved for noticing that Harry looks at him like he looked years ago, looks at him with the aim of showing and reminding him that he is deeply in love with him. It's relaxing and Louis didn't even know how much he needs that assurance as much as he needs oxygen to live, till now.  

And the thing is, or was in this case, Harry still looked at Louis that same way when he told him to wait one more month after choosing the house, before moving in. Harry actually smiled, nodded and kissed him because he knew that it didn't mean Louis didn't want him, it didn't mean Louis didn't want to live with him, it just meant that he trusted Harry enough to tell him to wait with no fear. It meant he wished that so much that he wanted to feel ready to do it so they could be honestly happy. 

The proof is here, they are happy even though the situation still looks a lot like a dream, they are ready and  _Jesus_ , they're officially living together. They're kind of starting a life together so it's not like it can seem real. 

Harry had been working for almost two months now and Louis is blessed with seeing him doing what he wants, seeing him being pleased with his job, seeing Harry finally being comfortable with who he is, with what he is doing and just being open to the world. Harry doesn't fear living anymore and Louis finds himself wanting to be in the same path as well.  

He is a work in progress like everything is, but he understands it and accepts help. Accepting his parents' help was actually a big step. He tried to reject all the bad thoughts about having someone making his dreams come true as if he wasn't good enough to do it alone, replacing them with the thought that he is actually not giving up and he also worked for it. At first he rejected it and Harry was totally supporting him on that but his mother spoke to him and told him _you and that boy are a long forever and you're my son, my job here is making sure you have what you need to be happy_. It's not like he could argue much. 

So now another work in progress is going to be his and Harry's life that now seems more  _one_ like it did before and this house.  

It took them almost two weeks to stabilise the place, their furniture, papers and a plan to know how they want it to look. Is going to take some time till it looks perfect but right now they have a kitchen, a living room and a bathroom done. However they're probably spending their first days in their home sleeping in a mattress in the middle of the living room. Nothing that it hasn't been happening through these times but Harry seemed very excited to finally have a room that didn't have a door to divide the space from the living room and own a real bed with a nightstand. However, he doesn't mind to give up on it for three days to run away from the smell of fresh paint on the walls. 

They need to clean and organise the spare room but it seems boring and it's not like they have a lot of stuff to put in there. So he and Louis start from putting the stuff that are made to be on the office there. The desk, Harry's old big shelf filled with books and his things from photography are already there now they just need to put the pictures on the wall like it was on Harry's flat and buy some decoration and an armchair.  Too lazy for that now and overexcited with the idea of painting walls they get the material ready and take it to the room. 

Harry starts from protecting the floor with newspapers and plastic bags while Louis gets the cans of paint that are similar to a dark olive green, the brushes and opens the window because of the smell. It's a nice spring day, one that calls for Louis to be outside and just walk around and behaving like the kid he was but now he has work to do. And now he has an adult starting a new stage in his life. 

"So we apply a layer now and tomorrow we do the second one, right?" Louis asks pushing his sleeves up to his elbows, that's what he gets from wearing Harry's clothes and looking like he has paws. 

"Yes, unless you want to do it at the end of the day. It's still early so maybe around nine is dry enough for us to finish it. If you want to." Harry suggests, he has been particularly careful with the way he speaks with Louis and his choice of words even at the choice of dinner and grocery, which makes Louis feel overprotected but in a good way if it's possible. He knows Harry has been nervous with this whole thing and maybe having his doubts about whether or not Louis is ready, but he is sure. He is so sure about it and now he just wants Harry to relax and not worry too much about Louis telling him that he wants to leave this place and go to Zayn's side. It won't happen. 

"Yeah, you're the expert on this, I'm here to follow your rules." Louis winks and covers the small wardrobe and nightstands with plastic from the other side of the room, just in case. Harry nods and starts pushing his hair back and making a small bun on top of his head, small curls popping out from it and from the sides. "That thing looks ridiculously good on you." Louis comments laughing but at the same time with a glimpse of annoyance in his tone. Because it's annoying how good Harry looks in his eyes in all the ways possible. 

"Thank you." Harry smiles and does the same thing Louis did on his sleeves and grabs one big brush to start from one end of the wall. The bed they ordered is going to be in front of it, the white colour of the broad matching the nightstands and the door for the small closet. "You can start on the other end, love. Start from the top and go up and down in a straight line, yeah? If you need help to use the ladder ask me." Louis nods and smiles as well. He knows how to do it, but he finds enjoyable the way Harry explains him it. 

Louis starts playing some music on his iPod, putting it on the support to have a good sound, before grabbing the brush he was meant to use.  

Eventually when Harry is almost reaching the middle and he has only two straps done, Louis has to speak. He is frustrated and Harry's back is too tight on his black tee due the sweat, showing off his shoulder blades by the way he raises his arm to paint. Also, why is he wearing jeans, looking his legs looking incredibly muscled, if he is doing this and using the ladder to reach the highest spots? 

"It's hot in here, innit?" Louis says then, Harry looks over at him when he drops the paint–brush on the floor and steps out of the newspapers.  

"For someone who is wearing that sweater, it must be." Harry teases and does the big mistake of not looking away from Louis when he smirks and bows his eyebrows, that's Louis cheeky look and of course he has to tease Harry when has his eyes on his body. 

"The sweater doesn't bother me one bit." It's a lie but to get Harry looking at him that way while he takes off his sweatpants is worth the effort. He knows how turned on Harry gets when he only wears boxers and his shirt, showing off his amazing legs. Harry bites his bottom lip wishing he could be biting the skin from the inside of Louis' thigh instead. "I like the smell of it." he says then, bringing the collar close to his nose to smell Harry's perfume on it and pushing the end of the fabric down to cover the sight of his black boxers. 

Harry knows what he is doing, especially when Louis bends over to grab the brush from the floor, making sure Harry has a good view of his bum. 

The younger male laughs and shakes his head still with a grin on his lips "Oh you want to play that way?" Harry puts his own brush on the side to take his shirt off from above his head, throwing it far away from them. 

Louis bites his tongue and trails his eyes up and down from Harry's bare chest like he has been doing with the brush on the wall. He clears his throat and casually looks away, going back to work. He hears Harry's laugh again but then is replaced with the sound of his voice singing along  _Earned it by the weeknd_  and  _what the fuck_ , this was Louis' game and he is already winning on the first try just because his voice was made for that song and makes Louis want to shut him by crashing their lips together. It isn't fair, he is smiling but it isn't funny, he is actually mad.  

His voice is louder than the actual song so it's easier for Louis to hear him. He groans but Harry doesn't really listen to it.   

Louis looks over at the ladder next to him and decides to use it to reach the top. He does it normally, he stands there and starts filling the blank spaces and when Harry does a small break from his voice he sighs. But doesn't sigh normally, it's loud enough to attract Harry's attention since that is the kind of sound he hears Louis doing when he gets inside of him when they're having sex. It's almost a whimper but very obscene.  

Louis smirks feeling Harry's eyes on him. He raises his arm to continue his work, the end of the sweater following the movement and showing the waist of his boxers, his hip and a bit of his belly. His tanned and soft skin is totally exposed to Harry, he even makes sure to bend over a bit his bum so it pops out on Harry's eyesight. When he knows Harry is half way from checking him out from down there he moans. This time is an actual moan, not loud, kind of subtle in his best. 

Harry tights his grip from the handle of the brush, till his fingers turn white so when Louis looks over at him with those blue eyes that know what they're doing when meeting his green ones, he wants to lay down on the floor and just stay there to cold out. 

"Can you help me to get down, baby doll?" Harry's breathe gets stuck on his throat, if he actually walks to him now Louis gets to have him on the palm of his hand, he wins it and he doesn't even need to do anything else.  

"I... I'm sure you – you can do it by yourself." Harry answers quickly, causing him to stammer some words. 

"Are you really? I mean, what if I fall?" Louis drops the brush on the floor on purpose, making some bits of paint fly out of the bristles, maybe to make his point... or maybe he just needs his two hands available. "You wouldn't want that baby, would you?" He says slowly, his voice getting a bit deeper, his tongue daringly licking his bottom lip. It's discrete, Louis knows how to do it. "You would catch me, hum?" He gets one hand under the sweater, literally giving a show to Harry on top of the ladder by the way he touches himself. 

"Work." The bastard takes long seconds to simply answer this. He stares, Louis sees him getting hard under his jeans but he just fucking dumps him right there. 

Louis' lips part widely in indignation and of course he doesn't fall when goes down the ladder to the floor in frustration. But he is going to win, even if he has to play it dirty.  

For example getting his hand shoved down the can of paint and walking towards Harry to print his left hand right on his back.  

"That's for using the product and not paying for it." He says and Harry squeals with the coldness and the feel of the ink on his skin. He turns around surprised looking at Louis, who only laughs by his expression.  

"You asshole –" he is ready to paint Louis by using his dirty brush but then stops realising. "Take my shirt off." Louis bites his lip, stopping himself from laughing, shaking his head. "Take. It. Off."  

"Right." He scoffs. "Do you think I'm dumb?" He takes his hand again to Harry's upper arm this time, leaving there the rest of the paint from his hand.  

"Stop!" Harry shouts and grabs his wrist on his fist, tightly so Louis can't release himself. 

"Let me go." He giggles slapping Harry with his other hand so Harry ends up painting Louis' thigh instead, making him start screaming due it. "No!" he releases himself then running to the can and dropping his two hands inside, this time. He raises both of them in front of Harry when he follows him, to make him stop, the dark olive green paint dripping from his fingers to the floor and down to his wrists. "Give one more step and your hair is the one suffering." 

 "You wouldn't."  

"Do not challenge me." he warns the green eyed boy, tilting his head when Harry moves one leg to give one step but stays where he is.  

"But you love challenges." He winks and Louis literally groans but needs to make a big effort not to laugh. "And you also love my hair so there's an inconvenient here." Louis raises his eyebrows waiting for another point to be added but Harry just quickly makes the move to walk close to him, trying to grab his arms but Louis screams once again, yet instead of leading his hands to Harry's hair, he sinks his fingers on his shoulders, panting him there too, to stop him to come further to him. 

"Louis!" 

"Harry!" Louis mimics Harry's tone and then slides down to his bare chest, brushing his nipples, bringing a groan from Harry. "You're turned on after all." 

"You need to take off that shirt." Harry warns him and the way he says it is too sexy for a normal Louis to handle it, but he is feeling the power now he can't back off. 

"I'm not giving you that view." 

"I hate you." 

"Correction, you love me and right now you want to fuck me." 

"Correcting, right now I want to finish painting the wall." 

"I will let you paint me instead." he says lower and slowly this time, allowing himself to get close from Harry's face and whisper near his ear. "My shirt won't be the only thing I'm going to be taking off." He licks his earlobe and feels Harry shivering in front of him. 

He gets one hand to grab Louis' chin, making him look at him, their faces pulled close. "Correction, my shirt." he whispers like Louis did and then has the nerve to pull away, not giving Louis any more kind of touch and walks away again, showing Louis the hand prints on his back. 

" _Shit_ ," Louis mutters and feels himself fuming. He hates when Harry plays it hard to get when he clearly wants it as much as Louis, but just does it because he wants him to keep doing this kind of show. "Stop being a fucking asshole." So he says, loud and doesn't know how he manages to get a handful of paint on his joined hands and throw it right at Harry. It even catches his jeans and a bit of his hair as well. 

It makes Harry turn around, he has all his attention. His look is severe, it hurts when lies down on Louis' body. If he didn't know he would say Harry is mad. But he isn't, Louis just won. 

"You –" Harry starts walking to him, Louis is smiling even when he pushes him against the still blank space of the wall, quite forcefully. "– want to be fucked here this badly?" He asks, his voice strict and close to Louis' lips, his hot breathe hitting his face and just making him breathless. Somehow, Harry won as well.  

"I do."  

"You can't touch me with your hands like that, baby." Harry brushes his lips along Louis' jaw, biting his skin there. Louis shuts his eyes tightly, a weak pant leaving his parted lips. 

"But you can. You can touch me. Just... touch me." He is begging so yeah, after all Harry is the one winning today. 

Harry smiles with his lips still brushing Louis' neck now, he sucks a red mark there and takes his hands to the end of Louis' – his – sweater, his fingertips touching Louis' v–lines there. "I wish I could leave you wearing my shirt." He goes back to Louis' jaw, nibbling on the still small stubble under his chin. "You're so hot, Louis." The blue eyed man hums in response to the words, touches, to everything really. In a way, to Harry's presence. "But you did a mess on me. I will do the same on you." Louis nods, agreeing with the idea. He doesn't know what is on his mind right now besides  _Harry Harry and Harry_.  

With this, Harry is undressing Louis, exposing his beautiful chest to him. He stares for some seconds before leaning over and kissing his collarbones, sucking and licking every inch he can, every inch his lips have been on but still find the need to touch to mark territory, every time. 

"You're perfect my love." Louis moans Harry's name after that, it's basically nothing but Louis' head is a pile of thoughts, all said in Harry's voice. His body heats up with Harry's hands on him but there's no way he wants to cold it down. 

"You. Naked." Louis is already breathing heavily and Harry's eyes lock with his in trance and Louis feels so special, proud and full of self-love by knowing this is what he does with Harry and sometimes he needs to do nothing. 

"Help me." he says not giving importance to what he said previously and clearly not caring if Louis dirties his clothes anymore. "But kiss me first." He smiles, lips inches apart but Louis doesn't waste time on disappearing with the space between them. He crashes their lips together and Harry automatically parts them to let Louis' tongue in, is warm and familiar and he just can't get enough of it. 

Louis kisses their spot between his collarbone and neck after pulling away while unbooting his jeans, without needing to look down. He pulls them down and with that he gets on his knees just in front of Harry, his jeans down till his ankles on the floor. He doesn't step out of them, he looks down at Louis, whose eyes are locked on his face.  

Louis' small hands are on the waistband of his boxers and his eyes keep looking up at him. "Fuck, Louis. What you do to me." He says, his hand stroking Louis' soft hair behind his ear. He almost purrs but stops himself from it when decides to pull down Harry's underwear, putting on display his hard cock in front of his lips. 

Louis kisses the tip of his head and then takes it all the way in till he feels Harry on his throat, his hands gripping Harry's ass, leaving there not only red marks but also paint. He bobs his head, sucking and literally deep throating, while Harry just gently holds him by his hair. He doesn't even pull it, he holds carefully, throwing his own head back in pleasure. 

He feels the coldness hitting him when Louis pulls away, with tears in his eyes by the effort he was putting in but then feels his hot and wet tongue licking his whole length. "So good." Harry moans and Louis takes a quick look above at him and smiles again by his boyfriend's state. 

He sucks the head and when is about to squeeze Harry's balls, he remembers that his hands are dirty so he just keeps licking and then goes down sucking them in his mouth as well, working with his tongue.  

"I love making you feel this good. I like how you taste." He says pulling away a little, breathing above Harry's dick, it just makes him moan once again and this time he actually pulls Louis' hair once. He decides to go back on taking Harry's cock on his mouth, mixing from fast to slow movements. 

"Lo –Louis..." he hears when Harry's legs start shaking. "Fuck – Lay down." Harry says looking down and pulling Louis' head away. He also crouches down and sinks his fingers on Louis' shoulders, helping to lay down with his back on the newspapers, on the floor. He attaches his lips with Louis' being able to taste himself on his tongue, while hovering his body on top of the shorter man.  

"Change of plans, I'm just going to play with you a little." He says, working on taking Louis’ boxers off, kissing the inside of his thighs along the way.

"As long as I get you inside of me and come hard." Louis jokes, a grin playing on his lips looking at Harry's face close.  

"When don't you come hard?" Harry asks narrowing his eyes, his legs parted next to Louis' thighs. 

"Well, there was that time when you were still with your arm against your chest that –" Harry cuts him from continuing kissing him again, pushing his tongue hard inside of his mouth, when Louis is about to raise his hands to touch him, Harry grabs his wrists and pins then down above his head. 

"No touching." Louis rolls his eyes,  _well now he says this_. Harry smirks but attacks his neck, then trailing kisses down to his chest. 

He stops on Louis' nipples, he kisses one of them then sucks it hard between his lips, getting them puffy, red and wet from his saliva. Louis twists, his leg kicking the air from under Harry's groin. Pleased with the result, Harry smiles and carefully bites the other one, quickly getting it hard just asking for him to touch more, to get his mouth there and play with it. 

"Your lips..." Louis moans. "More." Louis pleads, his eyes shut tightly as well as his fists from beside his head. Harry holds himself by his knees and reaches for the can of paint, sipping there just one of his hand, mainly reaching his fingers. Their dicks brush each other while he moves, the fact they're naked and having this much contact, the warmth from their bodies contrasting the air and just being able to smell each other and enjoy it, is amazing and enjoyable. Something that Harry and Louis are glad to be able to share with someone – each other. They like this kind of responsibility.

Harry takes one of Louis' nipples between his fingers, getting it dirty with the paint. Louis opens his eyes and dares to look at Harry, he knows the blue eyed man just wants to laugh with it but he moans instead by the coldness and the way Harry moves his two fingers. 

"You're so unique." Harry leans over and sucks the other nipple again, while playing with the other with his fingers. "I'm so lucky to have you like this." he slides his fingers down from Louis' chest, drawing on him four stripes of colour. It tickles but is the type of tickle that makes Louis arc his spine from the ground. "To have your trust to let me touch you like this." he draws a circle around Louis' navel, sitting down on his lap "You're so damn gorgeous. So hot underneath me." he takes his cleaned hand to Louis nipple one more time, twisting it between his thumb and index while he traces the lines from his collarbones with paint. "I wish I had the ability to just paint something beautiful on you. Maybe the sky. Imagine the sky during the sunset with the stars in it. That would be something worth it to paint on you, Lou." Louis looks at Harry in fond at the same time he has his lips parted obscenely.  

He leans over and pecks Louis' lips in his, sucking his bottom lip, receiving a pleasant noise from Louis. Harry is the one moaning when the older man moves his hips, thrusting them so it makes friction between their bodies. 

"God, I can't wait any longer." He breathes out and Louis smiles, almost in triumph since that was what he wanted to hear. "I'm going to fuck you now, is that okay?" 

"Jesus Christ, Harry, please." Louis says desperately, making Harry laugh. He raises his head to look for his jeans, he grabs them and takes a condom from the front pocket. Louis looks questionably at it so Harry answers his thoughts. "I guess I knew we were somehow going to baptize the house." He shrugs and Louis is the one laughing now. "It’s not to make a mess of it." 

"Of course. Not to prevent STDs like its job is." Louis jokes and even though he is laughing Harry kisses him messily saying  _we’re clean_  in a funny way that Louis doesn’t understand how he can do it right now. 

He puts the condom with his one cleaned hand, carefully ripping it out with his teeth. Louis looks at him above his body as if he was starved, desperate for more even though he is not ready to the end. 

"You don't even need my fingers. Always so ready for me, aren't you?" Harry asks while pushing himself in, not expecting more than a nod from Louis while parts his legs wide to have more access.  

Even though it's uncomfortable and Louis has his back pressed on the floor, these two making love never gets tiring, never gets boring, it just never feels enough. Harry keeps Louis' hands over his head but when he reaches the moment he hits his prostate over and over again – that now he is quicker to reach than it was – he just can't anymore and has Louis pulling his hair and scratching his back, while he moves fast inside of him.  

Harry doesn't mind that Louis is too loud because Louis doesn't mind that he speaks too much. They have their ways of expressing what they feel and somehow they find themselves enjoying what the other has to give. Louis is a needy when it comes to sex and he needs Harry to touch him all over and especially needs to know if Harry is enjoying. Harry knows he is by the way he moans and shouts his name, but Louis needs Harry to tell him how it is to be inside him, how good it feels and Harry does that and much more. He reminds Louis of bits he forgets about himself, tells him things that he didn't know about his body. 

With heavy breathes, dirty and messy kisses they find themselves still enjoying their orgasm laid down, this time Louis above Harry and with newspapers and plastic stuck on their bodies. 

"We aren't finishing this today." Harry laughs, his lips above Louis' hair. Louis finds himself indifferent with that, he has what he wants, the room can wait.  

"We have all the time of the world to finish it." He looks up, brushing his nose on the crook of Harry's neck, his hand squeezing Louis' hip by holding him by his waist. "You smell good." 

"I'm all sweaty." Harry keeps laughing and it is a pleasant sound, Louis doesn’t need the music playing in the background. So he just hums as an answer. "Do you think someone heard us?" Harry asks looking over at the opened window. 

"I hope they did." Louis kisses a red, almost purple, spot from Harry's neck that he previously left there. "The neighbours better get used to it." 

"You're amazing. I love you." Harry says and it's not like is something that someone would reply after what Louis said but is normal for them. Is just okay.  

"You know... Just to make you be sure." Louis starts. "This place doesn't even have the whole furniture but it already feels more like home than any other place I've been in." And Harry looks at him so hopeful, as if the future is showing on the glow of Louis' blue eyes and it is good. The future seems bright, it finally seems right and happy. It is the end because it is okay and they have each other.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can tell you that there's just two chapters left (let's make it three, it'll depend) and idk how to feel about it???? all right tell me what you think is going to happen, is there any more development that it needs to happen? Anything left to be said?


	35. Notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Holes inside by Joe Brooks
> 
> Your Hand in Mine by Explosions in the sky
> 
> » early update but a bit of a short chapter, just one more left ! Important note at the end

Harry living with Louis and vice versa is actually a challenge. Sure they had dealt with being on the same roof for more than twenty four hours together before but the fact that now both have the keys to the same place they call home is different. It’s an official commitment, they have to deal with more responsibilities, if they get mad at each other is not like they can run from the other and find another safe place. They have the same bed to share, the same walls, the same everything.

Living with each other is both learning to go to do some grocery thinking that they need to have a fridge filled with things that both like. Living with each other means learning how to cook, means breakfast together, means watching TV series tangled on the couch with a blanket on top of them. It means an already warm bathroom after the other takes a shower, means both having the same smell, using the same deodorant, means sharing and means seeing the other with sweatpants or pyjamas, just right before getting ready before going outside, every day, where everyone can see them. It means share domestic tasks, like who cleans the bathroom today and the bedroom tomorrow.

It brings us to the point where Louis feels too annoyed and tired to do it so that he decides that is a good idea to get a cloth and clean the dust wearing only boxers and properly sticking his bum out to where Harry is. To the point where Louis hums happy little songs even though he hates cleaning but which makes him shake his hips as a way of dancing. And yes Harry might be a klutz, can act naïve and all that but he reverses that real fast with Louis. So living together brings them more time and privacy to have their moments. So at the end Louis always gets what he wants. He gets to be laid down in the mattress, gets Harry to eat him out for hours before he even gets his fingers in, he gets to be fucked nice and slow until they both come with their lips attached, Harry’s hands tracing all over Louis’ body. And he gets Harry to do all his dirty work, literally cleaning his dirt.

But living together also means that they might get annoyed and mad with each other more often. It’s not like they have serious fights, it’s just that they see each other more often, they share everything with each other so it’s normal fights that couples have. It’s not like they’re tired of seeing each other, is just when Harry reaches his limit and Louis needs his space, it’s hard to fix when you live with your boyfriend.

There’s the types of fights that Harry knew they would have, like when he stays on the phone for too long with Niall when Louis clearly is in a rush to do something – most of the time is to watch their series. Or when Louis goes out with Zayn and says he is back in time for dinner but only comes back late at night where a cold meal waits for him on the table. It is also included here the same talk about adopting a cat when Harry couldn’t even let their goldfish live for a whole year. Harry snapping at him or he just snapping at Harry only makes Louis lock himself in the room and just come out in the middle of the night to find out Harry sat with his back against the wall, next to the door, awake. Awake and waiting for Louis to feel ready to talk.

Or just stupid domestic arguments where Harry is like “Baby, I asked you to pick up your dirty socks from the pile to the washing machine, why did you tell me you’ve done it when you didn’t?”

Louis, tired of listening to the same thing, kicks off his shoes right in Harry’s path knowing he will trip over them later, just like he does every day like clockwork and replies “I don’t know H does it really matter?”making Harry count to ten while deep breathing.

“Yes it matters Louis, now I made the whole laundry and your socks weren’t there, now you’ll have to wear mines.”

“Oh so now there’s a problem of me wearing your stuff?!”

“It’s not about wearing my stuff, is about you lying about that and never have your laundry done because you make piles of literally everything!” And Louis rolls his eyes and grumbles to himself but two hours later he is washing his own socks in the sink and ironing all of the clothes Harry had put on the drier because if Harry isn’t happy, Louis isn’t happy and if Louis isn’t happy, the whole damn world is sad.

Truth to be told, there are mostly good things. And Louis never stops wearing Harry’s clothes anyway – even to go to work not listening to Harry saying that it fits two of him in there, exaggerating in a big level – or trying Harry’s rings because it makes him feel some type of way, but there’s no use because they always fall off. But he doesn’t give up, he keeps trying anyway in the hopes that perhaps his little fingers have grown this time.

“Louis you’re twenty six you’re not growing anymore.”

“First of all, fuck you.” Because Harry looked always more grown up than him and it always pissed him off, even though now he had grown a beard and Harry hadn’t, Harry is taller and has a deeper voice and big everything.

But Louis and Harry are still Louis and Harry.

They get slightly too drunk in the middle of the afternoon and slow dance to dumb cheesy old music, kissing in a way that’s more laughter than actual kissing, mouths clumsy and hands gripping tight and sunlight slanting over them as they move lazily together. They curl up on the sofa together, feet tucked under thighs and arms around shoulders, watching the kind of crap TV that only airs at 3am because they don’t want to go to untangle themselves to go to bed.

They have those hectic mornings when they each need to go to work and they’re rushing around each other, ducking into bathrooms and bedrooms and kitchen cupboards, pausing to straighten tops and press kisses to cheeks. They still go through old photos together, especially when Louis’ family comes to visit, they collapse into laughter every three pictures by zooming in on ones where they’re pulling awful faces, where they are on their early age or ones that were taken at just the wrong moment.

The best are when they are getting ready for nights out together, standing shoulder to shoulder as they brush their teeth or get their faces ready or style their hair, help each other with their clothes, knocking elbows and hips as they try and hog more space, knowing that more space is the only thing they don’t really want to because they want to stay close and together as long as possible. Or even that great feeling when they’re standing quietly together in the kitchen after long, exhausting days, leaning into each other for support, breathing in the smell of home, fingers carding through hair and stroking down spines, until they feel like they can relax and smile properly again.

This is Louis and Harry’s life now. This is what they wanted and now achieved. This is what they have to tell their friends when they hang out together because now they have stories about each other to tell, now they spend more time together but it’s not unhealthy. It’s not because they live together, they have a life together.

~*~

It is on a late night from a Friday that Louis writes again one of his familiar cards for Harry. He had only gone for work around midday so he left food for Louis to eat on his lunch break. He knew Louis would probably not even touch it because he would eat with Liam and Zayn but it’d make him more relaxed doing that. Besides, Louis will eat it anyway at dinner time, since Harry goes to work later it means he comes back home later as well.

It’s ten o’clock, Louis had actually washed the dishes because there’s no Harry to tease by actually not doing that. The house is in silence, Harry isn’t there to put the volume of the TV on thirty seven and Louis can’t sing to anyone. He has no distractions so he might as well get some work done so after that he reminds to get a piece of paper and blue and red sharpie. It takes some time to write the actual card and place it on the small table on the hall, close to the front door so when Harry gets back it’s the first thing he sees when places there his keys.

The fact that Louis only felt like writing it because Harry will come back home tired and because he misses him since they only interacted five minutes together when Louis said goodbye to him before going to work in the morning, leaving Harry in bed still sleeping, make it no doubts that they’re still feeling the same thing. If not, right now, feeling it even harder. It seemed impossible to happen.

He ends up falling asleep on the couch with his laptop on his legs, after just checking out his school work one last time, eyes too heavy to manage to keep opened.

He feels his weight being carried out of the sofa, robust and long limbs carrying him, strong and familiar sense invading his nostrils. He doesn’t notice but he is smiling, eyes semi opened, face hidden on the crook of Harry’s neck, snuggling there and just casually brushing his lips on  _their spot_.

“Bed time for me…” He whispers, weak and pitched voice occupying Harry’s ears.

“Bed time for you.” Harry whispers back, knowing they’re the only ones in that home but still kisses the top of the older man’s head. He lays Louis down in the middle of their bed, throwing to the side the old teddy bear Harry still kept and the pillows. “I’m going to undress you now, all right?” Louis sees Harry’s shadow, still too sleepy to function properly so he just nods.

Harry unbuttons his jeans and takes them off, folding and putting them on the side then. He trails kisses through Louis’ thighs, nothing behind it, he is just finding a bit more of touch.

“Missed you.” Louis is the one breathing out, his smaller hands grabbing Harry’s hair, fitting his locks between his fingers.

“Couldn’t keep my mind off you.” Harry says, his lips not leaving Louis’ skin so when he pulls up his shirt he kisses his belly up till his chest where he has his tattoo, finally taking it off as well from Louis’ arms.

“Yeah?” Louis smiles, his eyes now more open and seeing the way Harry’s lips draw the features of his skin. He takes his fingertips to the back of his neck, brushing his nape with them when Harry gets close to his face.

“Yeah.”

“Kiss me then.” Harry only keeps smiling softly and then does what Louis says, leaning over and pecking Louis’ lips slowly just really enjoying the feeling of them touching.

“Get under the sheets while I get ready. Did you brush your teeth?” Louis nods one more time before Harry crawls out of bed.

He undresses himself, staying only with his underwear, used to Louis’ blue eyes observing every move he does and then goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth and clean his face.

“You wrote one of these to me again.” He hears Harry’s voice. His eyes were shut again but is easier for him to open them this time and sees Harry sat with a leg under his bum, next to him in bed and with a piece of paper in his hand.

“I did.” He confirms, his sleepy voice joining with the sound of the bed moving when he turns his body around to grab Harry from his waist. He shuts his eyes again, the shadows from his eyelashes slightly hitting his cheekbones, thin locks hair falling a little to the front of his forehead teasing Harry to touch them. When he rests his forehead on Harry’s thigh, his head still touching the mattress and his body across from the sheets. Harry smiles in fond with the vision and places one of his hands above Louis’ upper arm, lightly tickling him there. “You can read it.”

And it’s not like Harry needs permission to do it, but Louis is just showing how comfortable he is. They’ve stablished that, Louis needs to update him from his feelings, Harry needs to know how Louis feels from himself because he doesn’t want to start reading Louis, getting inside of his mind even though he is capable to do it so.

“I know we’ve been together for kind of a while now,” Harry starts and Louis sighs by the warmness of the moment, Harry’s hands never leaving him. “and life isn’t all hot dates and romance all the time anymore,” Harry nods, agreeing with the words written there. “but I want you to know that there is nobody I would rather do it with than you. Also, you make me so happy it’s kind of embarrassing.” Harry chuckles at the end, Louis smiling along with the sound. He brings his hands up from Louis’ arm to behind his ear, caressing the spot with the tip of his nails. “You also make me incredibly happy.” Louis hums with the words and leans over to the touch. “Love you so much.” He finishes, taking his journal from the nightstand from his side, to place the card between the pages, next to the others.

Louis mumbles something familiar to _love you too_ while Harry unlocks his arms from around his waist so he can kiss Louis’ forehead. He brings his arms around his tiny body to lay down as well and probably presses more kisses than the ones Louis can count till they both are asleep. In the next morning they still wake up with their cold body tangled up together and it’s too late for Harry to have his morning run.

~*~

Louis and Harry start leaving post it notes around the house for each other. At first it is practical things,  _we’re out of tea, don’t forget to hang up the towels, buy Zoe a birthday present, dinner at Ed’s at 8pm, don’t forget to call your mother to ask at what time she wants us to be in Doncaster._

Then they start having fun with them so there would be yellow papers all around the house. Not knowing how, it started to become a habit. Waking up with one on their foreheads with  _loser_  written on it would be compensated with a  _hey sexy_  with a winky face on the bathroom mirror or a coupon offering one blowjob free of charge followed by a thank you note for said blowjob or  _you look good from the blowjob angle_ , little silly things like that.  

But then no one is sure who starts it but somehow they get sentimental. One day is  _just another reminder that I love_ , another says  _I couldn’t do anything without you_ ,  _you look gorgeous you know just for changing_  and even  _I’ve named my favourite eyelashes of you_  – Harry putting this last one on Louis’ wallet.

But today – god knows how long they’ve been keeping up with this, a year? Maybe, it seems so long but sometimes they might forget they’ve been together for three – Harry comes back home to find this one on the table in the hall,  _remember our first kiss on the lake?_ stuck behind a picture of them when they had around ten years old.

Harry frowns because Louis never reached the point of writing this type of ones, especially when is stuck on a picture of them looking almost twenty years younger. It makes Harry look at it and realise how they’ve changed, for how long they’ve been together, how well he knows Louis by now.

So he walks in and sees another one on the door  _or what you would feel when we used to hold hands around the neighbourhood?_

And there’s more on the stairs, just a trail of posts with messages about their relationship and journey, Louis’ handwriting looks a bit different from the usual, a bit messier in others a bit more careful and it all makes Harry feel something familiar on his belly.

_ Remember when I first said I love you? Can you imagine how the feeling have grown up until now? _

_ You still own me a fan since that time you stepped into mine and broke it. _

_ I also miss Daisy but I don’t want to replace her, no one in my life is replaceable. _

_ I still feel like I’m high next to you since that time we ate brownies. _

_ I know you still prefer Pepsi over wine since our first date. _

_ You looked beautiful that night I laid you down on the side of the pool. _

_ I loved the fact that you showed to me how happy I truly made you feel. _

_ I want to watch you cooking next to my mother more often like I used to see. _

_ I’m glad we completed everything from your bucket list. _

_ But I want you to write more so we can make them come true. _

And closer to the door from their bedroom Harry starts reading

_ You’re my best friend. _

_ You’ll always be my best friend. _

Then on the frame from the door he reads  _And I want to love you for a long forever._ So he finally opens the door, he doesn’t even hesitate one bit, he goes straight for it as if his life depends on that.

There’s Louis and the post it note on his t-shirt reads  _will you marry me?_  and that’s probably when Harry realises the whole thing, realises what this was all about and tears up. He looks at the beautiful man in front of him, whose face has a huge smile plastered in it and hands might be shaking a little next to his body. But there’s Louis, the same Louis Harry remembers slow dancing on prom years ago and the same Louis he slow danced again years later in Zoe’s wedding day. And he is asking Harry to spend the rest of his life with him, he is fucking proposing and Harry can’t move his feet.

He hears Louis taking a deep breath and then gulps before starting. “Marry me.” His voice brings so much confidence to Harry and it’s so soft. Harry never heard him saying such words and he swears he wants Louis to keep repeating them now. “Let’s spend our week nights eating cereal on the floor when there is a perfectly fine table behind us. We can go to the movies and sit in the back row just to make out like kids falling in love for the first time.” Harry covers his lips with his available hand, the one that isn’t holding the others post it notes, his eyes watering quicker. “Marry me.” He repeats. “We’ll paint the rooms of our house and get more paint on us than the walls. We can hold hands and go to parties we end up ditching to drink wine out of the bottle in the bathtub. Marry me. And slow dance with me in our bedroom with an unmade bed and candles on the nightstand.” Louis’ eyes mimic Harry’s, even though Harry is properly crying now, especially when he sees Louis giving a step forward and getting in one knee. It’s getting real. “Let me love you forever.” And he is revealing a small box with a simple ring inside, raising it in front of Harry. “Marry me.” ([x](http://blu3v3ins.tumblr.com/post/115403109530/marry-me-lets-spend-our-week-nights-eating))

And Harry doesn’t need a post it note to answer yes.

 ~*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » I just want to say that this chapter was a lot inspired by prompts and tags on tumblr that i've been collecting for the past months. Next chapter will be a lot bigger since i'm not expecting to write an epilogue.


	36. Built Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Between The Raindrops by Lifehouse
> 
> Married Life by Michael Giacchino
> 
> Drunk in love by Beyoncé

“We are going to get married.” Harry announces, a grin on his face and gripping Louis’ hand in his tightly, on top of his lap. He doesn’t notice since he is catching everyone’s reaction present on the room but Louis is looking at him from his side thinking to himself  _I did this, I deserved listening to him saying this_ .

While Fiona starts crying and the rest of his family smiles the biggest they can, Zayn and Niall look shocked and the rest of their friends just look at each other thinking  _yes they did it_ , the emotions on that room are all the same. Except from two people, whose feelings are so enormous that can’t be comprehended by the other ten in their living room.

This moment is just the beginning of something new, something that it will take a lot of work, will take a lot of Harry and Louis but that will also come out as something good out of a challenge.

They don’t want the perfect wedding but they look forward to a perfect life together, this one not being immune from ups and downs but that’s just what everything is made of and everything they are already ready for.

So between making wedding invitations where Louis made sure to draw a house and then Harry a daisy in all of them because they looked too posh so they wanted to make them look more  _them_ , hire a photographer that happens to be Harry’s friend from work, and choosing the menu and decoration for the wedding party, that made Louis feel like a princess and he decides not to think if that’s a good or bad thing – Harry definitely supports it – they find themselves shopping for their suits. Together, not thinking that the traditional is what should happen.

They don’t know how they decided to leave this for last when it should be one of the first thing done, right after the invitations but is not like they’re worried and stressed about it.

Louis remembers when he went shopping with Harry to buy a suit for her sister’s wedding but this time is definitely different. This time they’re officially together, it’s their own wedding and Harry can’t stop grinning and touching the fabric from all the suits that Louis says are pretty.

They decided that they want to go with the same suit but with different ties – well, Harry wants a bow to himself – and maybe different shoes as well. Harry lets Louis choose, after a small fight because Louis wasn’t agreeing with that option,  _but I’m sure I will like anything you choose, chop suey. And sure will love it better when take I it off at the end of the night_  and the conversation finished there.

“Do you like this one?” Louis appears wearing a black suit that looks like the two last ones that he wore previously, maybe the difference is on the collar, or maybe is all about the shirt. “I think I like this one the best.” He looks at himself in the mirror, spinning around and looking at how his bum fits on the pants. “Doesn’t make my bum look that big.” Which is a lie because it looks like it did on the previous ones. It doesn’t look that small. Harry isn’t worried one bit.

“I love it.”

Louis sighs in annoyance and looks away from the mirror to meet Harry’s eyes. He puts his hand on his hip and even though he didn’t mean it, he is smiling.

“You’ve been saying that in all of the suits I’ve tired and said I liked it.”

“Yes because I do like them as well.” Harry smiles back nodding, his dimples popping out as well as his teeth. The woman in the back that has been helping them, walks towards them with another suit in her hands, a smile plastered in her face.

“Was it this one you were talking about, sir?” She shows Louis the suit, Harry doesn’t look away from Louis but he gives his attention to the woman, a polite smile playing on his lips.

“I’m sorry, but I think we have enough here now and I don’t think we’re even going to be able to choose, right?” He says the last words a bit louder looking at the Harry again to make his point. The younger man laughs, covering his mouth with his hand. The woman seems to be surprised but also too in love with both of them by the way she stares at the scene.

“Well, between all of the suits you’ve tried that one looks the best on you.” She compliments, Louis slowly looks again at her, his eyes shining. “And if I’m allowed to say, I think the pants suit you very well on your hips.” She flushes and Harry finally turns his head to her, jaw clenched.

“Thank you very much.” Louis grins genuinely. “It’s good to have a different opinion besides I love it.” Louis keeps teasing, the lady laughs at the comment. “If you don’t mind bringing another one of these.” Louis continues pointing at the suit he is wearing. “Erm, maybe the size above? I don’t think it’s long enough for that monster sat over there.” He jokes pointing at Harry, who is sitting on the couch next to the mirrors, two steps away from him.

Harry opens his mouth in indignation and Louis only answers with a raise of his eyebrows. The woman laughs one more time and leaves after saying  _no problem at all handsome_ , which might or might not make Harry even madder. Louis knows by the wink she gives him that she is just participating with Louis on teasing Harry.

“That was very inappropriate.” Harry crosses his arms around his body and pouts looking away from Louis’ self-satisfied face.

“You’re very inappropriate.” Louis laughs and walks towards his fiancé.  _Fiancé_.

“No, I would be inappropriate if I spoke out loud what I really wanted to say when I saw you in all of those suits.” He licks his lips watching Louis coming to him. Louis bites his bottom lip and allows himself to sit on Harry’s lap, throwing his arms around his neck and getting their faces close.

“I think that was a very good answer.” Louis kisses his jaw while Harry softly squeezes his thigh. “I would very much like to hear all of those thoughts later.” He whispers close to his ear but his hot breathe still hits a spot from Harry’s jaw line.

“ _Hmm_ , I would very much like to share them.” Harry giggles and leading his hand up to meet Louis’, caressing with his thumb the back of his hand. Louis gives him a kiss on his cheek and pulls a little bit away to look better at the curly haired man.

“So you don’t mind this one, do you?” he asks referring to the suit.

Harry looks down at him, his eyes searching for every curve of Louis’ body and then stopping on his lips to speak. “Not at all. Will you wear a black tie?”

“A matte one.” Louis replies nodding. “Will you wear a matching bow?” Harry laughs and snuggles on the crock of Louis’ neck. It doesn’t smell like it used to because of the new clothes, but is still warm.

“Indeed I will.”  Louis brings his thumb to the back of Harry’s ear to caress the place there.

“I think my father is planning to give you his lucky button that it pins on your sleeve that he wore on his wedding.” Harry raises his head to look at Louis’ eyes, disbelief is recognised on the green of his orbs.

“What? Why?”

Louis shrugs, his cheeks probably hurting from smiling all day.

“Because he wants to, what kind of question is that?”

“Why not giving it to you?”

“He is going to give me his tie clip.” He laughs, Harry slides his hand down and places it on Louis’ lap, making Louis squeeze his shoulder this time and then playing with the end of sleeve from his tee. “Is just a simple gesture, Harry. Nothing special.”

“Is special to me.” With this answer Louis is literally forced to lean over and peck Harry’s lips, not caring if he can’t even give a proper kiss since he can’t fucking stop smiling by how happy he feels doing all of this. Being himself and seeing his future so bright.

“I absolutely love you, Harry Tomlinson.” Harry groans, his eyes watering a bit by the sudden words but not letting Louis notice it when he sinks his face on his shoulder. Louis starts laughing again, brushing Harry’s arm up and down. “Easy, big boy!” He jokes but leans over to kiss Harry’s head. “By the way, we are forgetting about one important thing.”

“What?” His voice comes out muffled, not daring to pull away. They better really buy this one suit because Harry is sure it has some of his tears on the coat now.

“You know, we didn’t decide who would bring us the rings yet.”

“Oh.” Harry finally looks at Louis, sniffling while pulls his face away. Louis notices what happened and smiles in fond, bringing his hand to Harry’s cheek and then cleaning the wetness.

“Yeah.” He says softly, staring at his fiancé.

“We can always ask Cassie and Derek’s daughter.” Louis starts laughing, throwing his head back. Harry holds him with his big palm placed on his back.

“She doesn’t even have a year old, love.” Louis kisses his temple and leans his forehead there.

“We can make Liam and Zayn adopt now.”

“I think they will want to wait a couple of years more till that happens.”

“Well, then we make your brother dress up like a little girl.” Louis laughs loudly one more time, feeling lucky that they’re the only ones in the shop this morning and that the lady is being too nice to them.

“He wouldn’t attend to the wedding.”

“Then, are you sure your sister is not pregnant?”

“Oh my god why did I fell so hard for you?”

~*~

“Lou?”

“Yes, baby?” Louis looks up from his book, Harry appears only in his underwear from the bathroom of their room. His hair is dry, Louis can smell the shower gel from where he is and it just makes him feel cosy and pleased with the ambient around. Harry’s face though, looks serious otherwise how he looked the whole day since they went buying their clothes.

“I want to talk to you.” Louis frowns but shuts the book and places it on his bedside table. He has no clue what is coming from Harry right now and that’s what is making him nervous from seeing him so serious.

“Of course. Come here.” He pats Harry’s side of the bed, making signal for him to sit down.

Harry does it so, his hair falling out to the front of his face. When he is side by side with Louis, the blue eyed guy pulls the small locks of hair to the back of his ear. He leans over and kisses the spot between his collarbone and the crook of his neck, where he had made just some minutes ago a love bite. Louis thinks he has never seen that particular spot free from any type of mark by now.

“What is wrong flower?” He notices how Harry takes a deep breath and plays with the sheets at the side. Then he drops his gaze and looks at Louis, who is glad he does it so instead of looking away and blocking everything away.

“Nothing is wrong, I just want to share what’s been on my mind with you.” Louis nods slowly and decides to pull away and sit Indian style, facing Harry completely.

“Okay. That’s good.” Harry nods and leans over to kiss Louis on his forehead when he pulls away the smile he previously had while leaning over, had disappeared.

“I think… I think I want my parents on the wedding.” Louis isn’t shocked, Louis is far from shocked. He had thought about this before, he had thought about asking Harry if he was okay with the fact his family will be there but Sarah, David and now his brother won’t, even though Cassie, his cousin, will be. He even thought about talking with her to know if she had told her mother because if that had happened, Sarah would know about it too and, would Harry be okay with it?

So this is something Louis is so glad Harry is speaking out with him.

“You think or you’re sure?” Harry looks curiously at Louis, maybe a bit surprised with the question.

“I think I’m sure.” Harry cringes with his own answer. “I don’t know if I will ever be sure of this but it’s crossing my mind.” Louis nods, understanding.

“There’s nothing wrong with this. With you thinking about this, you know that don’t you?” Louis decides to ask, leading his hand to Harry’s leg, stroking it.

“There is not?”

“No, Harry.” Louis assures him and it’s a bit sad how even crossed Harry’s mind to think that it is something not normal.

“Would you be okay if they attended to it?” Louis smiles softly looking at how young Harry sounds and looks like right now. He just wants to cuddle with him under the sheets right now, he wants touch and warmth and be close.

“I’m only okay with it if you’re definitely okay with it.” Harry seems to repeat those words in his mind, nodding after some seconds. “So, are you?”

“I am.” He says, the words coming out of his mouth slowly. “And I really want to know better my brother.” Louis smiles again, himself feeling a tad emotional with all of this. It’s just not usual for him to think that Harry does have the brother he wished for years ago and now he isn’t even able to spend time with him. “It’s not the kid’s fault, right?” Louis nods agreeing and this time bringing his hand to Harry’s curls. The younger man leans over to the touch, closing his eyes. “It’s going to be such a special day to me, to us, I don’t want it to be ruined.”

“It won’t be as long as you’re sure of this. As long as they compromise themselves to respect you.”

“Do you think they’ll be okay with it? With me and you being together, seeing me and you being together?” Harry asks somehow alarmed.

“If they don’t show being okay with it, I’m sorry Harry but I don’t think it’s going to be good having them here.” Harry purses his lips but nods, understanding and definitely agreeing with it too. “But do you want to know my opinion? I think if you invite them to come, they will totally say yes. I don’t believe they’ve changed for real but… I don’t know, I think there’s no sorrow and hate between them and you. I know the last time you talked it didn’t end up well but the way Sarah reacted… I don’t think if she was the same person she would react like that. Besides, it’s been so long.”

“You think so?”

“Yes.” Louis answers and Harry takes another deep breathe.

“What time is in Seattle right now?” he asks but Louis is conscious that he knows the answer to that but the nerves is just making him like this. Either way, the blue eyed man looks behind at the clock on the bedside table and sees  _10pm_.

“Around two in the afternoon.” Louis answers and Harry nods one more time.

“I think I’m going to call them then.” Harry nods mostly to himself. “I’m going to call them now.” And Louis doesn’t notice anything wrong while Harry calls Cassie to ask for his parents’ number. It gives him a lot of time to think while that happens and he is also glad that she doesn’t ask any question about why he would want their number for.

“Okay, it’s this one.” Harry says looking at the number typed on the screen of his mobile phone and Louis has been on the same position all this time waiting for him. “I know it’s stupid but can you hold my hand while I do this?”

Louis chuckles shaking his head because “It’s not stupid,” and then he does it. He kisses every knuckle of Harry and then places their hands on his lap. Harry looks down at it, smiling a little with the ring Louis has on his finger and then looks up, smiling wider. Louis nods as a signal that no one would understand what it means but Harry does. Both do.

Harry hits the call button and every one beep it does from the other side Harry’s heart beats twice the time it takes to listen to the other. Louis feels the tension through his hand and that’s why he keeps caressing his fingers to show that he is there.

When Harry’s expression stiffens and his air gets stuck on his throat Louis knows someone had answered on the other side.

“Am –Am I talking with Sarah Styles?” Louis would laugh at the question but he decides against it for now. “Hi, erm, it’s Harry.” Louis hears someone calling his name loudly and in shock from the other side, a once familiar female voice. “I’m okay, thanks for asking.” Harry gulps and Louis thinks he listens to her saying how surprised she is from him calling and how good it is to listen to him and that’s probably Harry’s break out point. Louis’ shoulders stiffen when sees how Harry is pressing his lips tightly together, how his eyes are shining too much and how his breathing is coming heavier from his nose.

“Baby, please…” Louis whispers bringing his hand to his lips one more time and then leaning the back of it on his cheek.

Harry blinks away the tears “Yes, I am here.” He clears his throat. “It’s good –it’s good listening to you too.” Louis kisses his knuckles again and Harry looks at him for a second. “Is David with you?”  _yes_ , Louis hears. “Can you put on speaker? I want to talk with you two.” Louis doesn’t get what she says next but he bets she probably explains her husband what’s going on before doing what Harry says so. “Hi.” Harry says, a male voice being heard on the other side this time.

“Yes I have something important to tell you two.” Pause, but Louis doesn’t listen to anyone on the other side. He squeezes Harry’s hand and that seems to be enough for Harry to open his mouth to speak. “I’m getting married.” Harry smiles with the words and that brings Louis some type of safety due the moment. There’s a long pause, still silence till he hears someone speaking on the other side. Harry’s expression keeps the same so Louis guesses it’s still code green. “With Louis, yes.” Pause. Someone speaks. “Of course, I’m very happy.” David is talking, Louis is sure. “I’ve got a good job here, just like I wanted. Louis is still a teacher and we bought our own house. I’m not asking for your blessing or anything, obviously, what I’m trying to get from this call is… if you are okay and if you are able to respect me and Louis, I –“ Louis squeezes his hand twice. “– we want you to come to our wedding.”

 _We_. Because Louis wants the best to his future husband.  _We_. Because that’s all is going to be part of their decisions in a couple of weeks.  _We_. Because Louis realises that he doesn’t save any more spite towards Harry’s parents after all this years because it is not healthy.  _We_. Because no matter what everything is going to be okay.

“In two weeks.” Harry answers at something they say after being in silence of a long time. Louis can feel his pulsation on his pulse but Harry still seems okay, definitely nervous and his eyes might be watering a bit but he is okay. They aren’t hurting him and Louis gets that this is important to all of them. “That can be fixed.” More speaking. “There’s no need to buy a night on a hotel, David.” Harry sighs and squeezes Louis’ hand in a way of saying that is still everything okay. “Okay.” Pause. “Really?” Harry is smiling, Harry is actually smiling and Louis feels his own eyes burning. “Okay.” He nods. “Okay, that’s good. Thank you.”

“Cassie is going to be there as well, you can tell your sister to come too, Sarah.” Harry says and Louis thinks he will never get used to hear Harry calling his parents from his first name but he knows it’s his choice and he knows the reasons behind it so he will accept it. “James?” Harry’s smile drops. “Yeah I do. Of course. I want… I want to meet him better.” Harry bites his bottom lip and Louis sees how that little boy seems to mean the most out of everything.

Louis’ eyes shine and he calls for Harry’s attention by dropping his hand and tapping with his index on his upper arm. Harry frowns and looks at him while someone keeps speaking on the other side.

Louis is grinning and then he raises his hand and points at his ring, then at Harry – more like to the phone – and after that makes a gesture of carrying something. Harry’s lips part, his eyes match Louis’ and he mouths  _really?_  which Louis answers with  _if you want to_. Harry smiles and the look he gives Louis shouts  _I love you so much, thank you_.

“Oh and there’s not young kids here so me and Louis would like James to carry the rings, if that’s not a problem with you.” And by his face expression, Louis knows they don’t mind it at all.

~*~

The day of the wedding is insane. Very emotional too. Little James appears with the rings, walking through the tile of the church and Louis doesn’t know if he should cry because the kid looks adorable and so happy even though he probably doesn’t know that well why he is there, because he looks like Harry when he first met him even if he is only five or because Harry is tearing up when sees his little brother smiling at him when stands up next to them with the small basket in his hands.

Then the ceremony begins and Louis is so nervous that he keeps complaining how the church is so cold and that it makes him freezing when in reality he is sweating. Harry notices everything but keeps his lips pressed in a line, doing his best not to let that full grin appear, while his hands keep locked in front of his body, looking down.

Sometimes they look at the small crowd sat looking at them and listening to the priest talking and they smile. They didn’t invited much people because they want to keep this real so Louis’ family is there and he is glad that he can tell Harry’s is as well, next to Cassie, Derek and their daughter. There’s two of Harry’s friends from work and of course their usual group of friends, however Delilah is right next to Ron plus Ed’s group they met from Australia in Leeds. Chloe gives Louis a small smile and a thumbs up and he recalls her thanking him millions of times for inviting her to the wedding, Louis answering that he remembered her saying next time they’d see each other would be in his and Harry’s wedding. So here they are.

Louis is getting married with Harry and when their eyes meet along the way he realises that everything is in fact real. They smile at each other and Louis can’t wait to slide the ring on that man’s finger and finally kiss him. That happens and they also give a show, leaving Liam and Zayn shouting and whistling in the middle of the church, receiving a glare from everyone around.

When they get out of the church for the pictures Louis keeps showing off his nerves, it’s not a bad thing, he is just overwhelmed with the whole day and what is about to come, by the way he is playing with his hands and grumbling about the grass on his shoes. Harry finds it adorable and he ends up whispering on Louis’ ear one more time that he looks gorgeous and that he loves him which results on a picture of Louis kissing Harry deeply like in the movies, which later will probably belong to their blank wall on their room, in a frame.

Before heading out to the garden they reserved to be destined for the actual party and lunch, Harry’s parents walk towards them. Louis notices it first and holds Harry by his waist pulling him close. Harry, surprised with the sudden gesture and almost losing his balance by how quickly Louis does it, looks down at him with a closed mouth and confused smile before looking at where Louis’ eyes are focused on.

“Hello boys, it was beautiful ceremony.” Sarah is the one speaking first, Harry’s eyes quickly lock with hers. She is wearing a light pink dress, her blonde hair is pulled up in a perfect bun, her jewellery seems expensive but her makeup is discrete and soft.

They had no time to speak properly since they arrived, Fiona was the one dealing with James because of the rings and then Harry only shoot David and Sarah a look, in a way of greeting them.

Louis instantly feels Harry’s hand going to his shoulder, squeezing him there carefully.

“Thank you.” Louis nods and gives her a smile, mimicking hers. James is stood up next to them hand in hand with his mother, he keeps looking curiously at Harry, who looks down back at him smiling softly.

“We’re very glad to be here, Harry.” David says, his hand resting on Harry’s shoulder for a moment before pulling away. His eyes show honesty, Harry is forced to look up back at him and Louis observes all their movements.

“I’m happy to hear that.”

“Harry,” Sarah interrupts, she squeezes James’ hand and keeps looking down for long seconds before continuing. “I just hope that this means we can start again.” Her voice cracks a bit at the end and that’s when Louis knows she is being honest. “Have a bit more contact, talk more and just… accept each other.” She purses her lips together and looks at her husband. “This is not right, we should be a family and now you have Louis,” She looks at him smiling warmly. Louis approves this, Louis just wants Harry okay and him having what he deserves. “and he is very welcome to us, like you are.”

“We know that for a long time it wasn’t like this,” David continues “but I guess we grew up. We needed to learn with our mistakes, with what was happening around. We respect every decision you are up to make.”

“And even if you don’t call me mom, we can still try being a family. Support each other.” Sarah completes.

Louis sees Harry inhaling and exhaling slowly, repeating all the words that were said here to himself and thinking.

“Yes.” He nods a small smile playing on his lips. “I guess we can try that.” Louis is the one smiling, grinning actually. He starts brushing his thumb on Harry’s waist as a signal of joy.

Sarah and David also smile at each other and then at them both, Sarah’s eyes shine too much than the usual by how emotive she feels.

“You two look very handsome by the way.” She compliments and then squeezes Louis’ arm, smiling.

“Thank you madame, you also look very pretty.” Louis smiles back politely.

“This little guy here looks very good too.” Harry pulls away from Louis and crouches down to look at his brother. He pecks his cheek with him thumb and index making the boy giggle and pull away with his flushed cheeks. “Did you like walk on the church to bring us the rings?” The boy nods and Louis sees one dimple forming up on his cheek while smiling. “Listen,” Harry rests his hand on his small shoulder. “do you know who I am?” James looks at Harry carefully, his smile getting smaller but the shine of his eyes not disappearing. Louis feels a big urge to just get close to his husband –  _husband_  – to make sure he is okay but he knows he will do it alone.

“Harry.” The boy says in a small and childish voice, playing with his small hands close to his face. Louis would say he looks like a little girl if it wasn’t for the way he is dressing.

“Yes, I am Harry.” He nods, his small curls at the end of his hair moving. “And I’m also your brother, you know?” James smiles big now and in the same moment he is giving one step forward and hugging Harry by his neck, almost making him fall backwards.

And Louis is probably going to start crying again.

He was, if it wasn’t for David pulling his arm and walking two steps away from the other three people.

Louis looks confused at the man but then he speaks. “Erm, I’m going to talk to you about this because I know it would be harder if talked with Harry.” The man scratches the back of his neck, reminding Louis of Harry. “I want to help you two.”

“Help us?” Louis frowns and then raises his eyebrow when the man takes his wallet from his pocket.

“Yes. I wasn’t present like I should in my own son’s life and I know I can’t buy your trust, respect and… buy this family but it’d make me feel better if you accepted this.” He explains, handing Louis a check.

“We don’t really need your money.” Louis shakes his head but says it politely and in a calm tone.

“See this as a wedding gift. Please.” David insists, his tone serious and looking into Louis’ eyes.

“I should talk with Harry about it first, I can’t do this behind his back.”

“I will talk to him afterwards, I won’t make this bad for you. Just accept it.” He shakes the paper in front of Louis to get his attention. Louis looks down and sees the number written there.

“It’s… It’s a lot of money.”

“And it still isn’t enough. Everything that Sarah and I will do from now on won’t be enough after everything we’ve done to him, after all these years of torture. I just want you to understand that this is just a step that my wife and I feel like we need to do it.” Louis looks at the man and then down at the check before taking it.

“Please talk to him then. And about the second step,” Louis starts looking up at the man he once hated. “I think giving Harry time with his brother would be a good option.” David smiles a little and then nods. Louis never thought that one day this man would smile at him like this.

~*~

“You look gorgeous.” Harry whispers in Louis’ ear, his hand gripping Louis’, his hand on his waist and maybe they’re finally dancing properly. Maybe it was all those times they did in their living room in the middle of the afternoon, it was meant for a practice.

“You’ve said that already. Ten times.” Louis chuckles, his eyes shut and his temple close to Harry’s.

“Are you counting?”

“Yes.” Louis admits, turning his face to the side so his lips are slightly touching Harry’s cheek.

They already did a crazy dance with Liam and Zayn that they planned out ahead, a mix of weird songs and odd dance moves just really for the laugh. Niall had danced along an Irish song that after fifteen minutes Louis felt the need to push him away to stop him. Ed had wrote a song for them and sang it as a speech before everything. It was very emotional but funny at the same time. Harry couldn’t stop whispering how lucky he is to have all those people with him and Louis saw right there how he had changed from when he was fifteen and hated living.

Zayn had also given a speech, finishing it with  _now it’s time for me to let Harry take care of you but remember I will always love you and be here for you little one_ , that Louis couldn’t contain himself and run towards his best friend to hug him.

His mother decided make a discourse about how Louis and Harry looked like when they were younger, making sure to tell every memory they had in their minds and some that were forgotten already.  _How lucky are these two men to be together after all these years? I’m so proud of seeing this moment happening because I have a memory from the past of two little boys helping each other, learning the meaning of life together and now I’m seeing them living it_. Harry was the one crying here.

And then again when his family spoke, basically talking about how Harry has such a huge heart for allowing them to be there after everything that happened. When Louis heard  _we are very proud of you Harry Styles_ , his promise of not crying again was broken and then to make matters worse they said  _you fought for your dreams and listened to your heart, not fearing anything and anyone, you did it all alone I hope you know how incredible you are. And how lucky you are to have Louis next to you, who loves you very much since day one_.

Louis swears that after this day a new ocean was born.

Peter was the one saving the day when came up with a story named  _how a nine years old boy loses his innocence when sees his brother with his best friend naked in a bed_. At the end he might had saved the day but couldn’t save his own life when Louis kicked his ass.

“My mom is talking with Sarah.” Louis says then, looking over Harry’s shoulder at the table.

“Are they killing each other?”

“Can’t tell that for sure. Sarah seems to be losing her breathe by how hard she is laughing.” Harry leads the dance to switch their positions.

“Your father is looking at David and making that look that we do when we’re next to Liam and Zayn in public.” Harry continues the observation.

“The  _they are idiots_  one?”

“No, the  _I don’t know them_  one.” Louis laughs and then sinks his face on Harry’s shoulder, biting him. Then he rests his head there and keeps letting Harry lead the dance. From his sight he can see his grandmother dancing with Zayn – of fucking course – a drunk Niall dancing with Stella and almost eating her entire face and then Zoe with Harry’s brother.

“I’m so happy.” Louis whispers but meant for Harry to hear. “Like, it’s not even a small term happy, is a full time happy.” He finishes looking up and seeing Harry. He had stopped now, his hand still holding Louis’ and the other one placed very close to the curve his bum.

“Are you sure is not a drunk happy state?” Harry raises his eyebrow, smiling playfully.

“You’re the drunk here  _mister_.” Louis teases and Harry leans over to bite his nose, receiving a groan along with a laugh from Louis.

“Drunk in love.” He shouts, maybe trying to sing the verse properly but failing miserably and just receiving looks from the people around. Ed starts laughing along with Peter who is next to him and then they all hear Niall shouting back  _we be all night, love_  and that’s when everybody starts singing the song and forcing the DJ to put it playing instead of the slow one it is on.

“You ruined our dance.” Louis protests, crossing his arms against his chest and glowering looking at the taller man.

“Oh baby,” Harry pulls him against his chest by holding his arm, attacking Louis’ neck with kisses and bites when he keeps yelling at him to stop and leave him alone. “we’re married now, you won’t get rid of me that easily.”

That only makes Louis stop complaining and leaning to the touch of Harry’s soft mouth against his skin, bringing shivers through his spine. “ _Hmm_ , married.” He sinks his fingers deep on Harry’s scalp, ruining even more his hairstyle and pressing his body even closer from Harry’s, his knee sliding between Harry’s legs.

“Me telling you we’re married, turns you on?” Harry starts laughing, close to Louis’ Adam’s apple.

“Yes…” Louis breathes out, pushing Harry’s head up so they’re face to face and he can press their lips together. His tongue licks Harry’s lips as a way of telling him to part them and so he can taste him, the small flavour of sweet wine playing on his tongue. They finally learnt to like it.

“I’m going to eat you out so good tonight.” Harry breathes out squeezing Louis’ bum, their lips brushing in each other, his words causing Louis’ heart to beat fast on his chest. He can’t believe Harry still has this effect on him.

“Fuck, yes.” Louis kisses him again, sucking his bottom lip and turning his lips redder than they were before.

“ _Why can't I keep my fingers off you, baby_?” Harry sings along the song and it would work really well if he didn’t do the voice he did, totally joking and ruining the moment. Louis starts laughing, throwing his head back so Harry places his hand on his back to hold him still close to his chest.

“You’re such an idiot.” Louis says, looking at his green eyes staring at him, his hands placed above his chest, his shirt already half unbuttoned. “Absolutely idiot.” He says slowly as if Harry’s eyes threw a spell on him. “An amazing and handsome idiot.” He takes his hands to Harry’s face, then his fingers touch his locks of hair and pulls them away from the front of his face. “I’m so lucky to have you my love. So lucky you came back to me.” Harry’s lips twist, forming a perfect smile, his dimples deep on his flushed cheeks.

“I will always come back to you.” Louis smiles back, agreeing with his words with a small nod. “I love you so much.”

And this is how Louis and Harry built their memories and will now start making the future ones. Like simples things that they can assure themselves the other will be there to share it with him. As walks on the beach in the old summer house in Liverpool, slow mornings drinking coffee naked in bed, hands on each other’s faces when they kiss goodnight, long car trips to end up in a random place not completely lost because Harry still has his camera in his hands and Louis a full bottle of water. Afternoon talks with music playing on the background and a breeze coming from the window, watching fireworks on the Time Square, breakfast in a coffee shop in Paris, cliché kisses on a rainy day in the middle of an unknown street and then… then Louis laid down on the grass watching Harry picking up flowers not with a cat but perhaps with a little baby that maybe will become best friend with the boy next door.

 ~*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » i can't believe it's over guys, honestly. this two books have been so special to me and i'm both sad and happy. happy that i actually finished it and can feel proud of it and sad because it reached the end. i'm very thankful to all of you who followed the two books and took your time to read my work and comment on it. i hope you don't feel disappointed with the end, not much was left to say, now is up to your imagination! 
> 
> i'm not going to stop writing, i'm working on another story "craving beauty" that is about louis being a nude model and harry an artist. i already have over 30.000 words written but will only start posting when i'm finished, which will take some time now. 
> 
> again, thank you so much see you soon :)


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